I don't miss him. I do miss the "should have beens" ....the happy, long marriage, the family life for my children, a husband that was honest, loving and caring. hugs Gabby xo
A good reminder for me. Because I have been feeling a lot of grief and loss and loneliness this wonky, off kilter Christmas. Somehow 2 years after, and my first fully divorced, I feel less steady than I did one year after. Maybe my defiance kept me standing last time. Maybe I was still connected enough with my past and a tiny sliver of hope that he still might figure it out, that I was able to feel things. This year everything was just off. Me. The crooked tree. My daughter so angry (I understand. She's allowed. Its still hard.) I just couldn't find in myself, the quiet enjoyment I used to get from this holiday and I think its because I am in such an in between land. And at the end of the day on Christmas Day, I was tired. It had gone OK. Pretty well, with only one scrap between my teens, not bad I guess. And I was on my own for clean up. No horde of family to tell me how great the meal had been and to bring me a glass of wine while they handled the dishes. And I for a good long moment, missed it all. So I am trying to be patient with myself and know that new things are coming. And this year was a break from the past. That next year I can try new things. Maybe invite new friends to dinner. Maybe start a Lost Souls Christmas at my own home or a retreat for betrayed wives christmas somewhere tropical! Who knows? I don't. But I am so relieved to be sitting still. Spending my son's bday with him playing a new game and snoozing in front of the fire. These dark, short days of winter are a reminder to rest. I'm going to do more of that and try to do less looking back. Because what I am missing is kind of an illusion. Rest now. Future later. Much love.
To tell you the truth. It was the most horrible time of my life . The feeling that something was not right , the lies , the fighting . At least when I found out there was the relief that in my head I was not crazy ! It did make it hard to find out by finding a text and him not telling me . But everyday after finding out was better than me not being sure of our relationship and wondering why it was not right. D Day was the worst day of my life and I hope it stays that way
I won't miss the years of not knowing what was wrong,what had I done, why did I feel so alone? Why did he not want to be part of the family he said he wanted? Why the constant anger and criticising? Why did I blame and punish myself? Oh, because he was a monster inside the white night armor and all the sparkling lies blinded me...
Yes!! I am the anon from above . Knowing is better than not knowing. Your post is how I felt . I was made to feel like I was what was wrong with our relationship. It had nothing to do with the fact he was having a affair. It just made it easier for them to continue it .
Remember the feeling you had when you were young and you read that fairy tale or watched that movie and your heart fluttered and you had to read /watch it again and again? You know the one where the princess needs rescuing and a brave and handsome prince comes to her aid. He would fight dragons and conquer all odds and manner of evil to be with his love and save her from danger. I should have read stories of the opposite fashion. Where a bright and wonderful princess, falls in love with the prince but because of his selfishness a wicked witch casts a spell over him blinding him to the princesses good nature. And the story is her hard life in trying to convince him how wonderful she is when he clearly cannot see. It is not until our poor heroin is near death of a broken heart that the prince awakes from the wicked spell he has over him and he grows slowly to be the prince she always deserved from the beginning. Just sayin, might have been nice to get some variation.
Isn't that the true. Things bad for us we can miss. I'm trying to think what I miss? I miss that secure feeling. I miss that I'm not by myself feeling. But that was all really a lie. My therapist said everyone is really by themselves. I miss that I thought I was the type of wife no one would cheat on. I miss that I thought I chose a moral man. I miss that feeling in my mind, and now that my mind will forever be cluttered, stamped like a new calf with a branding iron, getting a tooth pulled without Novocaine, driving and being lost, knowing that I was the one and only. I miss the thoughts was my H "was not like that man", not a coward and not a liar. Wow I'm depressing myself. OK change in direction - see I miss being to stay in one direction, straight ahead. I have to make myself everyday look past the challenges, distractions, background noise and doubts; telling myself I'M DOING IT. My doubts tell me otherwise constantly. I'm creating my own life now. I have to quiet my you aren't good enough, important enough, capable enough to to tell these thoughts I can't listen today. I have to spend time believing in me. I"m not following along anymore. I'm allowed to say no. I'm allowed to protect myself. I'm allowed to put myself first. I don't have patience while the world re-arranges itself. This life doesn't look like the one I expected but that doesn't mean it has to stay that way. I'm so tired of fighting it all. I'm tired for all my friends fighting on everyday. I have to give myself a chance. Why is that SO hard? I have to give that small voice in me a chance. I give everyone else chances. I look forward to the day when I can rest.
Damn. You put the rambling in my head into something coherent, LLP. Thank you for saying what i couldn’t articulate.
The holidays were good and bad for me. The good... the joy I saw in my children, the ability to buy gifts for my husband without feeling disingenuous, realizing that I’m finding my faith again. The bad... the stress that comes with family, having my boundaries overstepped, realizing after time with family that I have much more work to do on me. Sigh.
I read almost every day but have struggled lately to comment because my mind has gone in so many directions. You all mean more to me than you know. I find strength and a bond here that I never expected from people I’ve never met. I hope one day we can though.
I don't miss him.
ReplyDeleteI do miss the "should have beens"
....the happy, long marriage, the family life for my children, a husband that was honest, loving and caring.
hugs
Gabby xo
A good reminder for me. Because I have been feeling a lot of grief and loss and loneliness this wonky, off kilter Christmas. Somehow 2 years after, and my first fully divorced, I feel less steady than I did one year after. Maybe my defiance kept me standing last time. Maybe I was still connected enough with my past and a tiny sliver of hope that he still might figure it out, that I was able to feel things. This year everything was just off. Me. The crooked tree. My daughter so angry (I understand. She's allowed. Its still hard.) I just couldn't find in myself, the quiet enjoyment I used to get from this holiday and I think its because I am in such an in between land. And at the end of the day on Christmas Day, I was tired. It had gone OK. Pretty well, with only one scrap between my teens, not bad I guess. And I was on my own for clean up. No horde of family to tell me how great the meal had been and to bring me a glass of wine while they handled the dishes. And I for a good long moment, missed it all.
ReplyDeleteSo I am trying to be patient with myself and know that new things are coming. And this year was a break from the past. That next year I can try new things. Maybe invite new friends to dinner. Maybe start a Lost Souls Christmas at my own home or a retreat for betrayed wives christmas somewhere tropical! Who knows? I don't. But I am so relieved to be sitting still. Spending my son's bday with him playing a new game and snoozing in front of the fire. These dark, short days of winter are a reminder to rest. I'm going to do more of that and try to do less looking back. Because what I am missing is kind of an illusion. Rest now. Future later. Much love.
Lord, yes.
ReplyDeleteTo tell you the truth. It was the most horrible time of my life . The feeling that something was not right , the lies , the fighting . At least when I found out there was the relief that in my head I was not crazy ! It did make it hard to find out by finding a text and him not telling me . But everyday after finding out was better than me not being sure of our relationship and wondering why it was not right. D Day was the worst day of my life and I hope it stays that way
ReplyDeleteI won't miss the years of not knowing what was wrong,what had I done, why did I feel so alone? Why did he not want to be part of the family he said he wanted? Why the constant anger and criticising? Why did I blame and punish myself? Oh, because he was a monster inside the white night armor and all the sparkling lies blinded me...
ReplyDeleteYes!! I am the anon from above . Knowing is better than not knowing. Your post is how I felt . I was made to feel like I was what was wrong with our relationship. It had nothing to do with the fact he was having a affair. It just made it easier for them to continue it .
DeleteRemember the feeling you had when you were young and you read that fairy tale or watched that movie and your heart fluttered and you had to read /watch it again and again? You know the one where the princess needs rescuing and a brave and handsome prince comes to her aid. He would fight dragons and conquer all odds and manner of evil to be with his love and save her from danger.
DeleteI should have read stories of the opposite fashion. Where a bright and wonderful princess, falls in love with the prince but because of his selfishness a wicked witch casts a spell over him blinding him to the princesses good nature. And the story is her hard life in trying to convince him how wonderful she is when he clearly cannot see. It is not until our poor heroin is near death of a broken heart that the prince awakes from the wicked spell he has over him and he grows slowly to be the prince she always deserved from the beginning.
Just sayin, might have been nice to get some variation.
Blindsided.
Isn't that the true. Things bad for us we can miss. I'm trying to think what I miss? I miss that secure feeling. I miss that I'm not by myself feeling. But that was all really a lie. My therapist said everyone is really by themselves. I miss that I thought I was the type of wife no one would cheat on. I miss that I thought I chose a moral man. I miss that feeling in my mind, and now that my mind will forever be cluttered, stamped like a new calf with a branding iron, getting a tooth pulled without Novocaine, driving and being lost, knowing that I was the one and only. I miss the thoughts was my H "was not like that man", not a coward and not a liar. Wow I'm depressing myself. OK change in direction - see I miss being to stay in one direction, straight ahead. I have to make myself everyday look past the challenges, distractions, background noise and doubts; telling myself I'M DOING IT. My doubts tell me otherwise constantly. I'm creating my own life now. I have to quiet my you aren't good enough, important enough, capable enough to to tell these thoughts I can't listen today. I have to spend time believing in me. I"m not following along anymore. I'm allowed to say no. I'm allowed to protect myself. I'm allowed to put myself first. I don't have patience while the world re-arranges itself. This life doesn't look like the one I expected but that doesn't mean it has to stay that way. I'm so tired of fighting it all. I'm tired for all my friends fighting on everyday. I have to give myself a chance. Why is that SO hard? I have to give that small voice in me a chance. I give everyone else chances. I look forward to the day when I can rest.
ReplyDeleteDamn. You put the rambling in my head into something coherent, LLP. Thank you for saying what i couldn’t articulate.
DeleteThe holidays were good and bad for me. The good... the joy I saw in my children, the ability to buy gifts for my husband without feeling disingenuous, realizing that I’m finding my faith again. The bad... the stress that comes with family, having my boundaries overstepped, realizing after time with family that I have much more work to do on me. Sigh.
I read almost every day but have struggled lately to comment because my mind has gone in so many directions. You all mean more to me than you know. I find strength and a bond here that I never expected from people I’ve never met. I hope one day we can though.
Hugs and ❤️ as we enter this new year.