Last September, I hosted a Betrayed Wives Club "Your Heartbreak, Your Rules, Your Healing" retreat in North Carolina. The women who showed up with their broken hearts expanded by own heart with their humour and their generosity and their compassion. We laughed, a few of us cried.
Among the surprises was Emily, who had stumbled upon Betrayed Wives Club not long before, Googling for answers. I had just posted about the retreat and, on a whim, she signed up. Even up to a few hours before leaving for the retreat, she was looking for reasons to not come. But she gathered her courage and showed up. And we fell in love with her. She told us she felt inwardly broken, despite how outwardly fabulous she looked. Now, nine months after our retreat (it is not lost on me that nine months is long enough to incubate new life), Emily sent me this. It speaks to her experience of metamorphosis. I suspect her words might awaken something in you too, about your possibility, your beauty, your value:
Among the surprises was Emily, who had stumbled upon Betrayed Wives Club not long before, Googling for answers. I had just posted about the retreat and, on a whim, she signed up. Even up to a few hours before leaving for the retreat, she was looking for reasons to not come. But she gathered her courage and showed up. And we fell in love with her. She told us she felt inwardly broken, despite how outwardly fabulous she looked. Now, nine months after our retreat (it is not lost on me that nine months is long enough to incubate new life), Emily sent me this. It speaks to her experience of metamorphosis. I suspect her words might awaken something in you too, about your possibility, your beauty, your value:
Hello my Friends, Soul Travelers and Sisters,
One year ago today, I found out my husband was living a double life and paying male sex workers throughout the entire 22 years of our marriage. One year since I stepped into a surreal existence that belonged to someone else. Has it only been one year? It seems like ten.
My Higher Self sat me down recently and we had this discussion:
Higher Self: You silly girl, it seems like ten because you have accomplished more in one year than you did in the previous ten.
me: huh?
Higher Self: Every day of the past year belonged to you. Just you. Every day of the past year you have been dedicated to bringing about the changes that you have longed for. Changes that looked daunting and would take you out of your comfort zone. A comfort zone that, in hindsight, was a cocoon. A comfort zone that allowed you to stay wrapped up in denial, sadness, loneliness and fear. You may not have known the details, but you knew something was not right in your marriage.
me: Okay, so he's out of the closet and I am out of the cocoon. What's your point?
Higher Self: Just this. It has taken one long year of daily determination, dogged persistence, enough self-help books to pay for a cruise. Constantly seeking, reaching out for help. Letting go of comfortable shoes that call themselves family and friends but do not lift you up and honor you. Every day every hour every minute. Never giving up. Never giving in. Never losing faith, never losing hope. And while you have amazing growth left before you, it's time for you to let go of the past.
Look in the mirror, Emily. Tell me what you see?
me: I see a beautiful butterfly.
me: I see a beautiful butterfly.
Higher Self: That's exactly what you are. Now spread your wings. Come out into the Spring of your life and enjoy the sunshine and the world that is your very own Garden. And p.s., Emily, this doesn't mean your work is finished. It does not mean the pain is gone. It ust means that you are learning to love yourself, what that looks like and how glorious that feels. You are now ready to be loved by others.
me: My Dear Higher Self. you guided me to this gift through Elle, my sisters, and the BWC. For without them, my soul journey and healing would yet to have begun. I am most grateful. God bless each of you. Never underestimate the power of your love and how you lift others. You are always in my heart.
Love, Emily
P.S. I am finding these resources very helpful:
P.S. I am finding these resources very helpful:
Seth Jordan, 7 Sacred Journeys
Tosha Silver, It's Not Your Money
Sophie Bashford, You Are A Goddess
Emily, beautifully written. And incredible especially given the fact that you’re only one year out. Thank you for sharing ❤️
ReplyDeletePart 1: Hello everyone. Some of you may remember me. It’s been a long time… my husband had a 4 1/2 year affair of which I found out about in January 2015. He told me about the affair. We went through a few months of hell and then a six week separation. He moved back in. Stumbled through two different marriage counselors. The second one for quite a few months. We read the material together. In particular, After the Affair. We had a big blowup in the fall of 2016 and decided to get divorced. We were planning the divorce while living in separate bedrooms, in the same house. That situation only lasted about two months. He moved back into the bedroom and we slowly but surely built upon our relationship. Things were good, albeit a bit off… We were kind to each other and did a lot of fun things together, we were intimate in so much that we held hands, gave each other back rubs, every night before sleep, cuddled, hugged and kissed… Yet sex, which had stopped the previous summer, had not yet resumed. And then last year, June 22nd, I overheard a phone call. I knew what I heard yet he would not admit to it. Two weeks after that, the OW called me. Apparently when we were planning our divorce they resumed their relationship. (I question whether it ever really ended… Did it simply reignite when we decided on the divorce?). After the phone call on the 22nd he was texting her to never contact him again. With that, she became upset and called me.
ReplyDeletePart 2: She called under the guise to apologize, yet it was obvious it was revenge toward my husband. She told me to ask him several questions. Basically, were they seeing one another and were they sleeping together? That night I questioned him. Yes, and yes. I told him to leave (I had actually left the house two weeks prior when he would not give me the truth about the phone call, yet I had come back.). So, on July 5 he left the house that night with the understanding that he would come back in the morning to attend a counseling session with me, with my individual counselor, to discuss divorce. At the end of that session, when the therapist asked what I wanted, I said I wanted him to get individual counseling and wanted us to restart marriage counseling. He agreed. He went to individual counseling for 10 sessions, about three months. Afterward, we went to marriage counseling for several months, honestly I don’t know how long - we just recently stopped. Together we read, “How to help my spouse heal from my affair” and are about half way through the imago book ... yet for the last few weeks, nothing. Until I requested a “chat” - we scheduled it and did it, but like pulling teeth with him. I have the big questions I want to go over ... The Esther Perel questions. I tried ... the meaning? the why? These questions upset him - he doesn’t know.
ReplyDeleteIt's such a nice sharing.
ReplyDeleteThe pain will never go away. It will forever be there. We need to always remind our-self that we are going to be OK, we will be better, we will be happy without them. Never give up. Keep trying. No matter how many times you fall, always get back up, self-pat and speak to yourself : you've done a good job, looks how's far you've come.
No matter how bad the situation you are facing now, remember that the sun will always rise tomorrow.
Lost_AA
Part 3: I asked what he learned from the individual counseling - he: what I knew before, yet reinforced - no contact, nothing, in order to stop the affair.
ReplyDeleteI was so very blue after our talk - I didn’t feel validated. I actually am not even sure why I’m feeling the need to talk about it of late ... I just know that I am. I guess because I never really talked about it in counseling. I didn’t feel safe there ... I wanted to do it alone with my H. I’d been waiting and planning it for so long ... yet didn’t really know what to say. I guess the best thing that came out of it was that he did talk and offer up as best he could ... yes, it’s hard to talk about because he feels “bad” ... yes, people involved in affairs have self-esteem issues ... he hated the lying ... it was a shitstorm he never wants to be in again. Yet he was also defensive at times ... if we rehash all this there may be no trip (we’re going to Europe this summer) ... as in, we’d get so upset with each other... I didn’t back down ... I need the talks so I can go and have a good time.
I recognize that my despair later that day was more than the affair. I’m not sure what’s going on but I am seeing my primary physician today for bloodwork and then later my individual counselor. Hope I didn’t get too lengthy for everyone. I’ve been away from you all for so long, yet felt the need to share … To the ladies who know. Love & Light
Melissa, It's lovely to have your voice here again. I'm sorry for all that you've been going through.
DeleteIt sounds as though you're not getting the sense that he fully acknowledges how much pain he's caused or completely understands why he did it. What's more, it sounds as though you're hoping for support and comfort and he's too caught up in his own stuff to be able to be there for you. And that's a terribly lonely place to be. Alone with your pain, seeking comfort from the person who caused it.
What you're asking for is not unreasonable, Melissa. But it's unclear whether he's really capable of giving you what you need right now. Whether because he isn't emotionally clear on his own stuff or because he doesn't want to do the hard work of becoming capable of supporting you through this.
Either way...it sucks. And I'm sorry. Hope you'll continue to share with us.
Oh Melissa, I'm sorry you have really been going through so much. i just wanted to let you know I'm here and I hear you. I am sorry he is not showing up in the way you need. He sounds like he still has a ton of work to do, maybe with a new therapist who understands infidelity and trauma.
DeleteSending you hugs, Melissa.
Hugs Emily! you are amazing! so glad to know you.
ReplyDeleteHey Melissa,
ReplyDeleteI am so sorry that is what happened. This painful dynamic sound very familiar to me.
I would be wary of doing all the emotional labor on this. Unfortunately, I have done that very thing and not only did is make me more resentful and angry but it made him even less able to step up and be accountable. For me, I realized that a good outside therapist should take that role and have a defined and clear process on infidelity recovery. A process that lets you off the hook for making things right and puts him on the hook and works with his recalcitrance. Unfortunately don't think most therapists have a good infidelity playbook. After being through 3, have been doing alot of homework on what training and skills I am looking for in a couples therapist. Some of the better ones recommend no couples therapy until the acting out partner gets some help. Frankly, don't expect much from him until he gets good coaching and therapy.
Wishing you well in your own healing.
MBS,
DeleteThe point about emotional labor is an important one. And it's something that I think so many women take on as a matter of course, without really thinking about it because that's what we're socialized to do. It feels natural to me but then resentment creeps in.
Re. a therapist: There's someone online (I was on his podcast) who is part of Affair Recovery. One of the counsellors is Samuel. I referred a friend to him who's been working with him privately. I think he's wonderful -- he was a cheating spouse so he has ZERO time for the excuses but still has compassion. Here's my episode: http://overcominginfidelitypodcast.com/author-and-infidelity-survivor-elle-grant-drills-down-on-recovering-and-overcoming
And here's the website: https://www.affairrecovery.com/our-blog
That's awesome Elle. You know how I love podcasts... :) I decided that I can't be in a relationship not only being the one who does the bulk of the emotional labor but also getting backlash and scapegoated for doing the hard work and confronting challenges and problems directly. That is my deal breaker.
DeleteThank you, Elle and MBS. My individual therapist yesterday said much the same thing. He suggested I do not speak with my husband about the affair unless there is a couples counselor/therapist involved. Immediately after discovery this time, my husband was able to answer any question I had. However, my questions were more investigative and logistical, rather than ‘meaning’ oriented. Honestly, I am so frustrated with selecting and finding the right therapist, I don’t know where to go from here… I did speak to my individual therapist about him potentially providing couples therapy for my husband and myself. Originally the therapist had suggested otherwise, yet yesterday he said as long as my husband was OK with it he would do it. Truth be told, I don’t know that my husband will ever go back to therapy. That may or may not be a dealbreaker, depending on his behavior.
ReplyDeleteAs you consider whether couples counseling is what you want, I urge you to check out these 2 podcasts. It resonated with me very deeply.
Deletehttp://theaddictedmind.com/episode-21-relational-betrayal-trauma-marnie-breecker/
http://theaddictedmind.com/episode-22-relational-betrayal-trauma-marnie-breecker-part-2/
MBS thank you for the links. I intend on watching them tomorrow
DeleteSession 3 tonight with my new therapist. She’s getting the ax. If I heard one more time “how could you possibly stay with someone who betrayed you” or “do you really want to be intimate with him” I thought I would scream. WHY is it so hard to find a therapist!?!?
Elle - is there a way for you to call out these links from MBS? I'm just 15 minutes in the 1st episode and I'm already crying. Why is it so important for us to find validation in the fact that we're not crazy?
DeleteWhy is it so hard to find a professional who "gets it"? I live in a major metropolitan area -- I'm going to put it out there in case anyone might be local and knows of someone - I live in Kansas City.
Are you Twitter, Kimberly? I'm there and it's amazing the community around infidelity/betrayal. You might put out a call there for names for a great therapist. In the meantime, I'll tweet out these links.
DeleteFYI: You can find me here: https://twitter.com/elletomany
DeleteAnd Elle ... My husband is limited, emotionally. I know that. I don’t know if he’ll ever “get it” or know why. He has put forth more effort than frankly I thought he would. He is going to see his parents this weekend for Father’s Day. They are a mess. Both of them. Their marriage is the worst I’ve ever seen. I asked my husband to dig deep into his emotional best self and ask them about their advance directives. (something we’ve tried in the past, yet they are resistant and dismissive) He acknowledge that as he put it, “that would be difficult for me. The apple doesn’t fall very far from the tree.” He recognizes that he is challenged in that regard. He has definitely made baby steps over the years, but as for Therapy… He has an aversion to it. And as I noted in my other post, I am getting disillusioned with therapy myself.
ReplyDeleteI think I've been really lucky in the therapy dept. My individual therapist, who also worked with my daughter (and diagnosed her bipolar, which was later confirmed by psychiatrists) saved my life. She was incredible. And our couples counsellor is the Husband Whisperer. She's incredible. She has this way of helping each of us see the other's point of view through a lens of compassion and generosity. She's truly amazing. But...I can imagine that a bad (or even mediocre) therapist is frustrating and demoralizing. A waste of time and money. I'm sorry. Cause the good ones will change your life.
DeleteMBS, thank you. Kimberly and all, I love the articles and videos generated by Affair Recovery. The link I will attach here is to an article about therapists and how they do not know how to treat patients with experienced infidelity. Or I should say, many do not know how to treat. I actually sent this article to a few therapists and asked them to read it, including the individual counselor.
ReplyDeletehttps://www.affairrecovery.com/newsletter/founder/therapist-mistakes-with-infidelity-recovery
thanks for this Melissa. Affair Recovery does great work.
DeleteMelissa, that AR post was one that gave me hope for therapy 6 years ago. I should have given it to our first therapist and asked her if she was on board and then given her the ax if she wasn't. But I put my trust in other people too much, and didn't trust my own instinct and needs. If nothing, the last 5 years have given me the confidence to be upfront and clearer with people and be ready to move on if they are not okay with it--the week's "Thursday Thought" was very spot on.
DeleteMBS, and Elle, please explain your comments in regards to ‘emotional labor.’ I’m gathering that you mean I should not be doing the emotional work for my husband, nor for us as a couple, but rather the emotional work for myself. Correct?
ReplyDeleteyeah, "emotional labor" generally refers to the notion that women are largely responsible for relationships. And yes, you are responsible for your emotional work -- stating your wants/needs, being honest and reliable, etc. Women plan the anniversaries, the romantic dinners, the thoughtful gestures. And, often, post-betrayal, women are the ones insisting on therapy, on reading books, on doing the work of healing. Not in all relationships but in many.
DeleteWhat Elle said.... as usual. Freeing myself of that emotional labor is that best thing I have ever done (and continue to do as it is a work in progress). I did and continue to do alot of inventory and investment in what makes me who I want to be and I discovered that I was wasting alot of energy on getting him to be a better person. He is not a bad person but he is not one who takes responsibility for his life. But that isn't my job. I had to kick him out so that I could focus on myself because being with him was so draining. He is now working on himself much more but without me around as a crutch and scapegoat.
DeleteLadies, my biggest struggle is the continuation of the affair during our reconciliation period. I actually understand the fact that he went back to her while we were getting a divorce. What I don’t understand is the continuation of the affair once it was apparent we were not divorcing. I know none of you can tell me why. He maintains that he wanted to end it, yet did so only by being less available and avoiding what could become an intimate situation… toward the end of the affair. He could not bring himself to just tell her, point-blank that it was over. He could not do that until he thought he was losing me. His need to please people and his inability to say no is astonishing. You have never in your life seen a person do more volunteer work, day in and day out, for anyone and everyone. Although he maintains he now sees the light, in that he will not put himself in a potential affair situation again, I have a very real concern that he would not be able to say no to the next damsel in distress. I know there were other ladies here that had a second Dday or a continuation of the affair or something of the sort… I would certainly appreciate any ‘me too’ stories. Any insights… Thank you.
ReplyDeleteI know I sound like a broken record but that's where therapy can really help. He needs to see that this isn't about him being a nice guy -- that it's about him getting something out of it that's not entirely healthy. Feeding his ego, or his need to be needed, or another insatiable aspect of his personality. Risking YOU in the process -- in other words, risking what he actually wants for someone who temporarily scratches a persistent itch. It's the itch he needs to identify and find healthier ways of scratching it.
DeleteGiven his reticence re. therapy, I'm not sure if there are books that address this... anyone??
https://www.amazon.com/White-Knight-Syndrome-Rescuing-Yourself/dp/1626543690
DeleteThank you Elle. I read some articles. Definitely similarities. Obviously, I’m not a psychologist, but some of what I read pretty much screams, yes! When he and I met, I could have been defined as the damsel in distress, in so much as I was new to the area, no family,- A bit naïve and socially shy. Over the years I grew stronger and more confident in many areas. My career took off and I developed a wide circle of friends and activities. I was no longer shy, but rather the leader, in many cases. Classic to the syndrome, that is when my husband had an affair. Thank you for the insight.
ReplyDeleteMy father had an emotional affair on my mother. My mother was always incredibly strong -- one of those women who, had she been born in a different era -- would be running a company or running for president. My father never felt needed. So he ended up "friends" with a woman who was a train wreck. He was able to recognize, after the fact, that he completely loved that feeling of being the white knight -- of rescuing this woman from her messed up marriage, messed up life. Didn't work, of course. She just took her circus somewhere else.
Delete