I was in an physically and emotionally abusive relationship for 12 yrs. I was young and had 2 children. I finally divorced, I didn’t stay single long. Maybe 8 months. I met this guys who made me laugh, gave-me confidence, I felt safe and in love. We never argued, never said hurtful things. We began to build a life together. I let him and loved with every fiber of my being. He had a very hard life and most successful woman would never given him the opportunity. I’m successful, I make great money, I’m attractive, kind and easy going so let him in. To me and everyone around us we had the perfect relationship. We were in love, not just love but in love. We went every where together, grocery shopping, everywhere. I didn’t want to be anywhere unless we were together. It was mutual. I never questioned his love or faithfulness. In my heart I knew he would never cheat or break my heart. We bought a house together, got married and had children. During my second pregnancy I got text stating if my husband didn’t stop sending sexual messages someone was going to file harassment charges. I questioned, he lied and I believed. Until a few days I just thought check his phone records. So I cross referenced numbers and found woman on Facebook. He lied and finally said he had been sexting this woman from Facebook. I forgave and move on. One year later I helped him start his own business. Then we got a letter from his previous boss who mentioned a woman at his work. Then the truth little by little came out. It was a woman from his work that sent the message to me while 6 months pregnant. I did investigating through google activity. He had been uninstalling and reinstalling hook up apps out entire relationship. I could see the days and times. Xmas eve, 3 days before our wedding. He said he met up with someone but nothing happens. All of the truth was only told when I found lies, continued to dig and question him. I travel for work. He has been on these apps not dating apps hook up apps for years. Chasing woman and I am supposed to believe during my travels he never slept with anyone. I was devastated. My previous abusive husband had never hurt me as deep as this man because he actually had my heart, my soul, my trust, my admiration. I weep for days, a zombie not able to move. We went to therapy for a 3wks. I continued to be furious, then in love, then forgiving, furious again. After 1 month he said he was tired of talking about and if we were going to continue we needed to begin to work on the future.
So here I am 1 yr later. We have only discussed it maybe 4 times in the past year. I’m not healed. I’m in pain, yet I pretend everything is ok. Do I demand to discuss it and go to therapy so I can begin to heal? He is a man who does not talk about his feelings, it is hard for him. But the more I ignore it the more pain I am in. I’m not mad. I’m hurt and I question if he is actually in love me. Was he always searching for someone else because he knew I was not the one?
Can anyone recommend a good book? I travel for work, I’m a mother of 4 children and I have a very busy job. Therapy isn’t an easy task to get to.
Robot, I think Hopeful has given you some great advice. Therapy was important to me and my healing. I would recommend going even if it’s only for you and even if you can’t go as often as some do. There are also online resources. I feel like it’s unfair that he ask you to work on the marriage when you still haven’t really addressed the problem. I don’t think he’s alone though I’m not wanting to discuss it. I will also share that my husband was not great with communicating his feelings in the 15 years we were together before I discovered the affair. In fact, when we were struggling while the affair was ongoing but I did not yet know, I recommended we go to counseling together and he literally yelled at me, “I DON’T NEED COUNSELING TO FIX MY MARRIAGE!” After I discovered what I thought, and was led to believe, was an emotional affair, we both entered therapy separately but with the same therapist. Unfortunately, the affair resumed and he was not honest with our therapist. When the full truth can out a month or so later, we were in the therapists’ office the next day. When he was able to be honest, it changed everything. He’s worked hard over the past 4 years to address the issues that led to the affair and to work to rebuild our relationship. Long story but my point is that even those who aren’t initially open to communicating and therapy can come around. As far as books, I read “Not Just Friends” and “After the Affair”. And I visited this site ALOT. My heart goes out to you for the pain you’re feeling. Even four years put, I can remember how hard it was in the beginning. ❤️
Robot, I am so sorry for the pain you're in. Like you, I completely trusted my husband. Never DREAMED he would cheat. And then, like you, I discovered that he had been hooking up with women our entire relationship. Before wedding and after. I hadn't a clue. Everything you're feeling is perfectly normal. Of course, you're devastated. And of course, you need to talk about this. It's like running somebody over with your car and then forbidding them from talking about it. Nope. You'll notice a tagline at the top of this site -- "My heartbreak, my rules". That speaks to the necessity of YOU setting the terms for healing. YOU get to decide what you know. YOU get to decide what you need. Not him. You cannot build a future when the past foundation is nothing but rubble. You cannot control him but you can control you -- I know therapy is difficult with traveling but I think it's imperative that you have a safe space where you can talk about this. See if you can find someone that you meet in person when you're in town but who's available for phone or Skype appointments when you're out of town. These days, that's not an uncommon ask. As for him, nobody cheats that long and compulsively without some major issues that need addressing. I can't imagine how you can have a healthy relationship with someone unwilling to take a hard look at his own stuff. Burying what he did only means it's eventually going to stink to high heaven. I personally would insist that he seek therapy as a condition of reconciliation. I wouldn't be surprised if he's a sex addict and there are many therapists who specialize in that, including online therapists. My husband sought out a sex addiction specialist and they never met in person. They did it by phone because no sex addiction therapists were in my city. The therapist was incredible. So...short version: You will get through this but you MUST prioritize your own healing. You owe it to yourself and your children to feel whole again.
Robot, I am so sorry. This is all so hard no matter what situation we find ourselves in. And I too like you felt there was no way this would ever happen. My husband had two affairs over ten years. We would even talk about that aspect of the relationship. I was not naive. I would ask if he ever received attention from women or talked to them while he was out or travelling. I cannot tell you the number of time he said no never. I checked his phone but I learned he always deleted everything. He never spent a dime on either woman. I never checked his phone bill though. But saying all of this no one would ever think this would have happened to us. And I think it is fair to say that most husbands/wayward spouses would rather not talk about it ever again and sweep it under the rug. I think at least in our case my husband's ability to compartamentalize made it easier for him to cheat. I know I could never do it.
I do think therapy is good. I would suggest you have a therapist just for you so they can support you and walk you through what you need. That is what I did and it was so helpful. I went to someone 1 1/2 hours from where I lived and we did double appointments every other week at first then once a month. It helped save me driving time and also worked with my busy schedule. I spent a lot of time processing what had happened, setting boundaries/expectations and then as we progressed thinking about and communicating what I wanted and needed in the marriage. I had to make a major point to my husband that having a husband that just does not cheat was not okay. After what he did I needed more and had honestly much higher expectation.
One other thing that worked well for us was we scheduled a meeting one day a week. That was when we focused on anything related to the affair. This really helped him move past being defensive. Otherwise he always wanted the conversations to end. As he has told me now he hated knowing he was the only reason for my pain and that he could never fix it no matter what he did. I also worked really hard to talk less and listen more. Once I did that he started opening up. This took a while for me to get to that point. But he has since opened up more than I could have ever thought possible. I will also say this does not have to do with you, it is about his issues and decisions he made without you. Everything you are feeling is normal. Also some therapist will set up telemed appointments once you have met in person.
I read every book possible out there. The best books I read were all John Gottman books and the Not Just Friends by Shirley Glass. I would also suggest an article by John Gottman from The Atlantic. My husband brought it home from work and he still references it over four years later. It is a great article and might be a good start with your husband at a certain point. It was very powerful for my husband.
Looking for some advice.
ReplyDeleteI was in an physically and emotionally abusive relationship for 12 yrs. I was young and had 2 children. I finally divorced, I didn’t stay single long. Maybe 8 months. I met this guys who made me laugh, gave-me confidence, I felt safe and in love. We never argued, never said hurtful things. We began to build a life together. I let him and loved with every fiber of my being. He had a very hard life and most successful woman would never given him the opportunity. I’m successful, I make great money, I’m attractive, kind and easy going so let him in. To me and everyone around us we had the perfect relationship. We were in love, not just love but in love. We went every where together, grocery shopping, everywhere. I didn’t want to be anywhere unless we were together. It was mutual. I never questioned his love or faithfulness. In my heart I knew he would never cheat or break my heart. We bought a house together, got married and had children. During my second pregnancy I got text stating if my husband didn’t stop sending sexual messages someone was going to file harassment charges. I questioned, he lied and I believed. Until a few days I just thought check his phone records. So I cross referenced numbers and found woman on Facebook. He lied and finally said he had been sexting this woman from Facebook. I forgave and move on. One year later I helped him start his own business. Then we got a letter from his previous boss who mentioned a woman at his work. Then the truth little by little came out. It was a woman from his work that sent the message to me while 6 months pregnant. I did investigating through google activity. He had been uninstalling and reinstalling hook up apps out entire relationship. I could see the days and times. Xmas eve, 3 days before our wedding. He said he met up with someone but nothing happens. All of the truth was only told when I found lies, continued to dig and question him. I travel for work. He has been on these apps not dating apps hook up apps for years. Chasing woman and I am supposed to believe during my travels he never slept with anyone. I was devastated. My previous abusive husband had never hurt me as deep as this man because he actually had my heart, my soul, my trust, my admiration. I weep for days, a zombie not able to move. We went to therapy for a 3wks. I continued to be furious, then in love, then forgiving, furious again. After 1 month he said he was tired of talking about and if we were going to continue we needed to begin to work on the future.
So here I am 1 yr later. We have only discussed it maybe 4 times in the past year. I’m not healed. I’m in pain, yet I pretend everything is ok. Do I demand to discuss it and go to therapy so I can begin to heal? He is a man who does not talk about his feelings, it is hard for him. But the more I ignore it the more pain I am in. I’m not mad. I’m hurt and I question if he is actually in love me. Was he always searching for someone else because he knew I was not the one?
Can anyone recommend a good book? I travel for work, I’m a mother of 4 children and I have a very busy job. Therapy isn’t an easy task to get to.
Robot,
DeleteI think Hopeful has given you some great advice. Therapy was important to me and my healing. I would recommend going even if it’s only for you and even if you can’t go as often as some do. There are also online resources.
I feel like it’s unfair that he ask you to work on the marriage when you still haven’t really addressed the problem. I don’t think he’s alone though I’m not wanting to discuss it.
I will also share that my husband was not great with communicating his feelings in the 15 years we were together before I discovered the affair. In fact, when we were struggling while the affair was ongoing but I did not yet know, I recommended we go to counseling together and he literally yelled at me, “I DON’T NEED COUNSELING TO FIX MY MARRIAGE!”
After I discovered what I thought, and was led to believe, was an emotional affair, we both entered therapy separately but with the same therapist. Unfortunately, the affair resumed and he was not honest with our therapist. When the full truth can out a month or so later, we were in the therapists’ office the next day. When he was able to be honest, it changed everything. He’s worked hard over the past 4 years to address the issues that led to the affair and to work to rebuild our relationship. Long story but my point is that even those who aren’t initially open to communicating and therapy can come around.
As far as books, I read “Not Just Friends” and “After the
Affair”. And I visited this site ALOT.
My heart goes out to you for the pain you’re feeling. Even four years put, I can remember how hard it was in the beginning. ❤️
Robot,
DeleteI am so sorry for the pain you're in. Like you, I completely trusted my husband. Never DREAMED he would cheat. And then, like you, I discovered that he had been hooking up with women our entire relationship. Before wedding and after. I hadn't a clue.
Everything you're feeling is perfectly normal. Of course, you're devastated. And of course, you need to talk about this. It's like running somebody over with your car and then forbidding them from talking about it. Nope. You'll notice a tagline at the top of this site -- "My heartbreak, my rules". That speaks to the necessity of YOU setting the terms for healing. YOU get to decide what you know. YOU get to decide what you need. Not him. You cannot build a future when the past foundation is nothing but rubble.
You cannot control him but you can control you -- I know therapy is difficult with traveling but I think it's imperative that you have a safe space where you can talk about this. See if you can find someone that you meet in person when you're in town but who's available for phone or Skype appointments when you're out of town. These days, that's not an uncommon ask.
As for him, nobody cheats that long and compulsively without some major issues that need addressing. I can't imagine how you can have a healthy relationship with someone unwilling to take a hard look at his own stuff. Burying what he did only means it's eventually going to stink to high heaven. I personally would insist that he seek therapy as a condition of reconciliation. I wouldn't be surprised if he's a sex addict and there are many therapists who specialize in that, including online therapists. My husband sought out a sex addiction specialist and they never met in person. They did it by phone because no sex addiction therapists were in my city. The therapist was incredible.
So...short version: You will get through this but you MUST prioritize your own healing. You owe it to yourself and your children to feel whole again.
Robot, I am so sorry. This is all so hard no matter what situation we find ourselves in. And I too like you felt there was no way this would ever happen. My husband had two affairs over ten years. We would even talk about that aspect of the relationship. I was not naive. I would ask if he ever received attention from women or talked to them while he was out or travelling. I cannot tell you the number of time he said no never. I checked his phone but I learned he always deleted everything. He never spent a dime on either woman. I never checked his phone bill though. But saying all of this no one would ever think this would have happened to us. And I think it is fair to say that most husbands/wayward spouses would rather not talk about it ever again and sweep it under the rug. I think at least in our case my husband's ability to compartamentalize made it easier for him to cheat. I know I could never do it.
ReplyDeleteI do think therapy is good. I would suggest you have a therapist just for you so they can support you and walk you through what you need. That is what I did and it was so helpful. I went to someone 1 1/2 hours from where I lived and we did double appointments every other week at first then once a month. It helped save me driving time and also worked with my busy schedule. I spent a lot of time processing what had happened, setting boundaries/expectations and then as we progressed thinking about and communicating what I wanted and needed in the marriage. I had to make a major point to my husband that having a husband that just does not cheat was not okay. After what he did I needed more and had honestly much higher expectation.
One other thing that worked well for us was we scheduled a meeting one day a week. That was when we focused on anything related to the affair. This really helped him move past being defensive. Otherwise he always wanted the conversations to end. As he has told me now he hated knowing he was the only reason for my pain and that he could never fix it no matter what he did. I also worked really hard to talk less and listen more. Once I did that he started opening up. This took a while for me to get to that point. But he has since opened up more than I could have ever thought possible. I will also say this does not have to do with you, it is about his issues and decisions he made without you. Everything you are feeling is normal. Also some therapist will set up telemed appointments once you have met in person.
I read every book possible out there. The best books I read were all John Gottman books and the Not Just Friends by Shirley Glass. I would also suggest an article by John Gottman from The Atlantic. My husband brought it home from work and he still references it over four years later. It is a great article and might be a good start with your husband at a certain point. It was very powerful for my husband.