Case in point: One of my Twitter tribe tweeted that, after almost two years of reconciliation, her husband thought it was best that he leave despite both wanting to rebuild their marriage. Why? Well, according to him, "I can't seem to stop hurting you so it's best that I leave and then you can be happy."
I confess I heard that a few times from my own husband in the wake of D-Day. I recall having suggested it more than once.
But unspoken was this: "I am so scared. I don't know how to do this. I have made such a mess of things and I hate being reminded of it every single day. When you cry. When you have that faraway look in your eyes and I can't reach you. If I wasn't here, you wouldn't be reminded of what a shit I am. And I wouldn't be reminded of what a shit I am."
My code-breaking is due, in large part, to my own pre-married life. I didn't know how to have a healthy relationship. All I'd seen was unhealthy ones. I knew screaming and sulking. I knew the bad kind of silence.
It wasn't until my mom got sober in church basements and began incorporating those 12 steps into her life and into her relationship with me that the code was cracked.
She was scared and so she drank.
I was scared and so I ran away.
Fear drives so many of our actions, whether we're conscious of it or not.
You're scrolling through the OW's social media again? It's not because you desperately want to see her vacation pics, it's because you're scared. And knowing what she's doing gives you the illusion that you have more control than you actually do.
Avoiding that pre-holiday conversation with your dad about his drinking? Of course, you are. You're scared. That he'll gaslight you. That he'll tell you to stay home. That he'll blame you or shame you or otherwise make this your problem, not his.
The thing is that we're all scared. Pretty much all the time. We're scared our kids will take drugs. We're scared our husbands will cheat again. We're scared our friends would pity us or shun us if they knew the truth of our marriage. We're scared our parents will get sick. We're scared we'll outlive our children. We're scared we'll outlive our money. We're scared we'll outlive our planet's resources (well, at least I am).
The list, sadly, goes on.
But the thing about fear is that, as Mark Nepo puts it, "Fear gets its power from our not looking, at either the fear or what we're afraid of."
Facing it strips it of its power. Not immediately, of course. But with time. With practice.
Facing our fear, really noticing when our actions are rooted in it, helps us live our life, the one we want. Not just the one that happens when we're running away.
My daughter woke up sick the other day. She had a shift at work and yet could hardly stand. But her manager tries to control her staff through a twisted mix of passive-aggression, gaslighting and silence. My daughter, a people-pleaser (she's working on it!!), was terrified to call in sick. "She'll get mad at me," she wailed. "She won't believe me," she moaned. "She'll take me off the schedule and I won't get any shifts," she cried.
To which I responded, "you can either call in legitimately sick and treat yourself with respect or you can let someone else's emotional toxicity control you."
Your choice. Your call.
With shaking hands, she made the call.
The sky didn't fall. The world didn't tilt off its axis. Instead, my daughter prioritized self-respect and honesty over letting fear dictate her actions.
I've learned the hard way that letting fear drive the car will take you over the cliff. Or at least close enough to the edge that you're constantly anxious.
The only way to live the life you want is to wrestle back the wheel. Fear will still be there. It will sit in the passenger seat and bark orders and sulk and catalogue all the ways in which you need to listen to it or hellfire will rain down on you.
It's wrong. Mostly.
Sometimes bad things will happen. But they will happen anyway because that's how life works. Anticipating bad things just robs today of sunshine because tomorrow it might rain.
Next time you find yourself looking for the exit door, ask yourself if you're running from fear. Fear isn't the enemy. It can tell us important information. "You're not safe in this relationship." Or, "you have some work to do around your relationship with your mother." Or, "day drinking just might not be a good long-term solution to your pain." Or "keep your gas tank full in case of an alien invasion."
But if you're willing to face it down, to examine the information it's offering in the cold light of day to determine what's legit and what's not, it can become just one of the tools in our belt rather than the only one.
And living a life not governed by fear is authentically yours.
I’m of course terrified that my husband will leave out of fear and make a mistake that will change our lives forever. I can’t do anything about this because I can’t control him, i can only control my fear around it which is really hard. He claims to feel nothing for me and isn’t IN love with me but says he loves me, doesn’t want to hurt me, and doesn’t know what to do. Have any of you dealt with this?
ReplyDeleteDear One....Fear....well worth examining but challenging to do so when we are terrified daily, sometimes minute-by-minute!!...you have correct thinking in that you cannot control your husband, nor anyone for that matter...I go to AlAnon...the Serenity Prayer really helps...'Higher Power/God: Grant me the Serenity to accept the things I cannot change, Courage to change the things I can, and the Wisdom to know the difference'. This isn't a religious thing, instead a kind and firm way of giving yourself some peaceful control. I am 11 weeks into D-Day and it has been an emotional nightmare for me, to say the very least. My H doesn't need to tell me he is isn't in love with me...how could he be in love with me after his years of cheating (probably most of our 15 years together) with real people/online-affairs/strip joints/lap-dancers and god knows what else....he may have a sort of love for me, or an idea of love, but to me that is based on our past history and has nothing to do with the present. After finding out about his secret-life (he had no intention of telling me, ever) I told him that basically, he left me years ago and didn't bother to tell me. He agreed. It has been beyond painful but I cannot hide my head in the sand and hope that his 'love' or a romantic idea of any good that we shared will bring him back. We are separated, I told him he could not stay with me anymore. My H, like yours, said he feels nothing for me, he is too 'numb'. How convenient. He wasn't numb until I found out. He slept with me, said he loved me pretty much until my D-Day. So where does that love go overnight? poof! gone overnight? I don't think so. I think, in the case of my H, by him saying he is numb/feels nothing... this is the cowardly way of saying deep down his heart has moved on, away from me. It moved on ages ago. I am so sorry you are going through this.....I have done tons of research on infidelity and therapists say this is the worst thing that can happen in a marriage. Being betrayed by a spouse is horrid. The lying/cheating is a kick to the gut to say the very least. I do not know your situation, if this is the first time he cheated? Does he show remorse and tries to legitimately apologize? Are you financially dependent on him and need him to stay? but you also need to ask yourself if you want to be with someone who disrespects you and put your health at risk. He doesn't want to hurt you? He already has!! By cheating, he has already changed your life forever! Please do not enable him by helping him make decisions. Take care of yourself. Do not isolate, reach out to friends/family/counsel...ask for help, lean on folks you trust and that care about you...I got a great book on Amazon by Tracy Schorn: Leave a Cheater/Gain a Life. It is not a gentle approach by any means, she gives the hard goods and firmly holds your hand through the process, it has really helped me along. Put the focus on YOU and what works for you today. Do not consider his feelings in how you govern yourself. If you want to get through this sanely, you need to pour yourself a Cup of Courage and know that things change whether we want them to or not....seriously, what do YOU want? respect/love/faithfulness/trust/cherish from a partner? can he give you this? I cannot tell you to stay with him or tell him to leave, but I can tell you that you are important, you matter and this is what you must remind yourself of daily. I hope this helps, take what resonates with you and I wish you well on your path....we are all here for each other...Be Well....
Deletebonabeaner, I was there over 4 1/2 years ago. I heard those exact same things. My husband said that all and more. Initially threw it back at me asking how I could not tell. Wrong comment to make to someone who had asked about possible other women and he looked me in the eye and said never. For us it has been a long process and a roller coaster. My husband looking back does not remember a lot of what he said. He was a different person then. I think a lot of what he said was an effort in self preservation. For me looking back it makes sense. For him to maintain two ten year sporadic affairs he was a mess. He did not know who he was and he was depressed. He even ended both of them 15-18 months before dday on his own. Even with that he could not admit or come clean to me on his own. He has told me he thought about making up an excuse to leave me to save his image. For him he told me the I will always love you but I am not in love with you. He in his mind gave himself 6 months of really working and trying. That is what he says anyone needs to change (he is in mental health profession). He did that and he figured out quickly he wanted to stay in the marriage. But it was a long road ahead. He got to the point where love is a verb. He was not living that way. Love was not that at all. He also worked to choose to live his life with transparency and authenticity. He said he wanted to live his life as if I was standing next to him at all times. It took him about three years to start to like himself again. This was the biggest shock. I figured he was okay with all of his choices since he made them. But no he was not. I could go on and on. I set really firm boundaries and expectations. That was critical. I went to therapy. We set one time a week to talk about the affairs/marriage etc. The rest of the week we spent together. A great article he brought home for me is Masters of Love from the Atlantic. Really helpful and it was easy for him to read. Any books made him cry and he could not get through them. Keep posting and please ask any questions!! We are all in this together.
Deletebonabeaner,
DeleteI think there are a whole lot of women who have heard that before. It might be true. But just as likely, it's the words of a deeply confused person who is trying to match up his feelings with his actions. The thinking goes something like this: "I cheated on my wife, therefore I must not be in love with her." Far too often, the truth is: "I cheated on my wife, therefore there must be something wrong with me to risk what matters for people who don't."
It's a long road back and you're under no obligation to accompany him on it.
As you wisely noted, you cannot change him. Your focus needs to be on you and nurturing your own healing. He'll either pull his head out of his ass or he won't. But it's not your job to convince him what he's giving up.
I'm sorry for everything you're going through. But, again, focus on you and what you need to heal from this.
Thank you so much. I feel like I'm lost at sea and your posts are like air-dropped rations. You can't get me out of this hellish ocean but your words help me stay afloat on my journey.
ReplyDeleteLandofWoz, I think those are among the kindest words I've heard on this site. And they remind me, again, why I continue to keep this blog, 13 years after my own D-Day. We are so far from that awful time that it almost feels like a dream (nightmare!!). Which is my wish for you -- that you heal from this.
DeleteI am currently separated and living 8hrs away from my husband because of this very same thing. Those words are almost word for word his. We had planned to move together. After 5yrs of fighting to save the marriage and just fighting,after the discovery of his affair and his addiction. After one particular fight he just said "I can't move. I'm not strong enough. I'm looking at apartments. We're splitting up." I figured, as my job was ending, and I wasn't happy in the city we lived in, I would move instead. It hasn't been an easy move, or a happy one. But it was a necessary one. I, like your daughter did, should have treated myself with respect long before this. Yet, I'm sad. I miss him. I wanted our marriage to work. I forgave him. But we had zero intimacy. As an SA he had become a sexual anorexic. Afraid of everything. That lack of moving forward was a daily rejection, at a time when I needed reassurance. Hard to tell yourself it wasn't your fault, and that you are a desirable woman, when for five years following discovery, your husband rejects you nightly, and refuses to meet even the most basic of needs. Even just kissing.
ReplyDeleteWhen I texted him recently, asking if he missed me he said: "I miss the things we had. WE aren't the same right now. I miss talking with you, I miss experiencing things with you. I don't miss the way I felt when I saw you weren't happy. Almost always, looking at you, I saw how I wasn't making you happy. That was a terrible feeling inside."
He gets that he's running away. And he is powerless to stop that fear, or to face it. I would much rather be exploring our new city together. But here I am. Alone.
A friend, recently gave me a bracelet with the words "fearless" on it. She said that's how she sees me, even if it's not how I see myself. I told her "I have fear. I am full of fear, and quaking in my boots almost daily. I just refuse to let it defeat me completely. It takes me out from time to time. I'm down on my knees struggling to stand sometimes. But I get back up. And give it another go."
I wish he could.
radlady you're not alone, I'm still in the dredges, but waffle on leaving every day. My H says the things your H said to you as well. He's afraid and doesn't want to face the pain he's caused so he's stagnant. Is your H in therapy? It sounds like he needs help to work through his own issues. You're bad ass for being able to leave even though I'm sure you question your judgment, he needs to help himself before he can be what he needs for you.
DeleteFor us the entire first year was about me dealing with the shock, pain etc. He was there for me trying his hardest. Setting boundaries and expectations. Hoping to set some foundation so I could even consider trusting him again. At around 9 months post dday we had the most epic fight ever. I got so much out honestly. It was bad but needed. At around a year I really started to improve. But there were roller coaster moments. For me when things started to seem like pre dday it was triggering. Then I never expected him to have to work through so much. My best advice is talk less listen more. The quieter I was the more he opened up. He had never done this. He talked about so much and had spent a lot of time thinking through what he had done. It made a big impact on me since it showed he was not sweeping it under the rug. He does say he thinks about it every day still to this day. But we also joke about it if you can believe that. I never thought that would happen... I/we can still struggle at times. But things are better than ever.
Deleteradlady,
DeleteI'm sorry that your husband lacks the courage that you so clearly display. It's truly his loss...in more ways than just his marriage and his best friend, I'm sure.
What absolutely changed my husband was a determination that he wanted to be able to look himself in the mirror -- he was sick of being someone who ran away. He was sick of being disgusted with himself. And that's the key in this, isn't it? It isn't your unhappiness that's so hard for your husband to take, it's his own. If it was just yours, he'd be able to remedy that, by taking steps to show up for you. But he can't/won't. He's too mired in his own self-loathing.
I'm sorry. I know this isn't what you wanted. But I nonetheless think that with your courage (not fearlessness, as you point out, but rather your willingness to feel the fear and take steps anyway), you are going to be more than okay.
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
ReplyDeleteThank you for this post, Elle. I'm late in commenting but I think I've read it at least six times since you posted it. Facing all of the fear this has generated is the hardest thing I have ever done in my life, and I'm hoping it will prove to be among the most worthwhile, too.
ReplyDeleteHi Chinook,
DeleteYou've been missed on this site!! And yes, facing our fear is probably the hardest thing any of us will do, in so many contexts (I have three teenagers who've recently started to drive so...). But if we can keep bringing focus back to us, on what we can control and let go of what we can't, life begins to feel a lot less tough.
Hi Ladies, reading your comments on this site have been really helpful to me. How is everyone doing? It has been a couple of years since these comments and I am just wondering how the healing process is going for all of you....
ReplyDeleteUnknown,
DeleteThe most recent comments typically come on the more recent posts. And what I've discovered over more than a decade of doing this site is that people typically come to the site in absolute agony and, over months, sometimes years, begin to heal and then they come less or not at all. Occasionally, we get updates from not often. I've come to be grateful that so many eventually no longer need this site.