This was a really hard concept for me to grasp and accept. Life had always been about doing the right thing, pushing myself, following what was expected and in turn everything really worked out. This was honestly the first time a to do list or more work could not fix the problem. It has been such a process. And at times it is hard to accept what my husband did, not just for me but for him too. But we have both done what this quote says. I never thought that I could be where I am today. I do remember that day where I told myself this happened but I cannot let it destroy the rest of my life. I was not sure what that meant but I took it one day at a time. Thank you Elle for always providing such thought provoking posts that apply to us no matter where we are in this process/journey.
Unknown, It was tough for me too. I firmly believed that good things happened when you followed the rules. Alas...not always. I was also a fixer. Didn't think there was anything I couldn't fix with sheer force of my will. Learning to just feel all those horribly uncomfortable tsunami-like feelings...let them wash over me and discover that I was still there, was a turning point.
OH MY GOD. ALL of this. Its like a cloud of never ending sadness, shame, guilt, anger and now nothing. After almost 5 months after DDay 2, I either feel all of the above or LITERALLY NOTHING at all. This is where I am at. a huge cloud of nothingness. Sometimes I wonder if it is our mind shutting down so that I don't have a mental breakdown. Its survival. Its all I know anymore.
Twins twice i agree perhaps a numbing agent of nothingness as the extent to feel the blow in full would be knee breaking. That numbing land of flatness is isolating and horrible i recall not even being able to find joy in my childs laughter. I used to love bedtime cuddles that upon dday felt endless and suffocating as it gave me to much time to lay in think. I cant tell tou how long this will last far longer then wed like but i can tell you it will improve even if only minimally at first ... this is wear u need to dig in to look for the slightest glimmer of sparkle, paint your toes and sit idle for tge grat to lift and color to appear. Self care front and center to burn anxiety and let go of the pressures of the say its so hard to go thru this and still function as a mom and in life right. So mac and cheese for dinner, pbj and allow yourself to rest. Try and play more with your kids and take a long shower and cry to try and heal your heart. Im almost 5 years out my dear and that first year i was numb and the second not much improved but in time i noticed the sunrise, the wind blowing how the crickets chipped how a brisk walk in the snow was captivating. Patience and time i know a 4 letter work ... time ... fuck. You got this. Be kind to you.
Thank you Wounded. It sucks to think I am still at the beginning stages of healing. The thought of another year or more of this just makes me feel hopeless. After dday 1 i thought I was finally finding myself again. then dday 2 hits 3 years later.. I really just want to say F it all. its not worth it. Then I think of my kids. and how I would do anything for them to stay happy even if that means me remaining unhappy. Its just not fair. I know everyone says that you have to find your own happiness, that only I can make myself happy. Well damn it. I want someone to make the effort for me like I did for 20 years. Yes I feel entitled. Yes I feel selfish. He got to be. why isn't it my turn? Apparently I am a negative nancy today lol
I’m only a month in and the pain is unbearable. He says he wants to stay and work it out but I don’t even think he’s told me the whole truth yet. I found more info last week that made it so much worse than what he first told me.
Unknown. I am so sorry you are going thru this journey in your life. Having been there myself. You won't ever know everything and truthfully you don't really want to. Healing takes time. Making the decision to let him stay and work things out is hard to make. Again give that time too. Just remember this has nothing to do with you. Search this blog for different things that will help you because there is a lot of information on here. There are a ton strong women on here who have all gone through the same thing. Take your time to heal because it won't happen over night. I hope you find some peace in the New Year.
I found out New Years Eve. I was suspecting it for much longer so it was more dread than shock at first. He was expecting to be caught so he could stop. We have a baby. He cheated because he felt neglected while my body healed post partum. The entitlement and selfishness and audacity. The pain is so raw, it comes in waves and brings me to my knees, but somehow it brought to light this imense strength and courage than I never knew I had. I am devastated, but I will not give up on my marriage. My baby girl deserves better. My husband radiates shame and guilt, and although I have fallen out of love with him now, I still love him and I know he still loves me. I can't throw seven years out the window for 2 months of trash. I can't sleep or eat and obsess over the details which he laid out on the table.I have met up with the girl (19year old ffs) and the stories match, and I can't believe I had the self control not to drive over her or punch her. There's an imense pressure on my chest and I hope that one day, after couple's therapy and individual therapy to sort his issues out, and lots of effort, that I will be able to breathe again and look at the man I married and think that fighting for it was the right choice. But right now I feel nauseous with pain.
I'm so sorry for the pain you're in, DinoLove. Please know you're among friends who know exactly what you're going through. It all sounds incredibly familiar. IN the short term, please focus on your own health and well-being and your beautiful baby girl. Take it moment by moment. The women here, with their wisdom and their compassion, will light your way forward.
This is going to have to be more than one posts. I am 34 days in from dday, and have been on a roller coaster of emotions. My initial reaction as I watched the videos on his phone was complete and utter shock. I had no idea it was coming, I had no suspicions, no inklings, no doubts. He’d been on a day/night out with old work colleagues that he kept up with. He had returned home on the last train and was merry from his day out but not overly inebriated. He apologized for not having been in touch but that his phone had ran out of charge late afternoon and he took the phone from his pocket and put in on to charge. We talked for a bit, he brought me up to date with news of the lads what was happening in their lives. He told me of the funnies that had happened with one lad who couldn’t hold his drink and the news that another had split from his wife, but it was amicable and they were still friends maintaining a good relationship over the shared custody of their teenage daughter. I said I was saddened by that news, asked what had happened and he said nothing as such, just that they had both agreed they weren’t in love with each other anymore so made an amicable decision, I said you know good for them to have that honesty and still be friends not many people can do that. We chatted a little more him getting drowsy and then falling asleep on the chair. I sat to watch something on tv and his phone still plugged in lit up and pinged, then pinged again and then again. I thought this will be the txt I sent earlier asking did he need picked up from train station. It pinged again so I went to switch the sound of and on the screen it showed several txt had came in, one with no name attached just a number saying hope you had a good night, another from one of the lads saying “which one did you end up riding” the first line of the txt or first few words always shows up but you have to open it up to read the rest. I didn’t give much thought to the annonamous number but the one from the friend “which one did you end up riding” if I’m honest didn’t bring suspicion to mind more confusion, What was he talking about and what a strange opening sentence. We have horses and I somewhere in my niavity thought he was talking about them, doh! I opened his phone, we know each other’s passwords, we have no secrets, or so I thought. The message from the friend had no other content other than that one sentence, no other txt between them other than the details for meeting that day. My heart did start to pound now, my brain now kicking in with suspicion. I checked his other messages, a couple from some of the other lads saying it was a good day, have a great Xmas, one from me re pick up. I opened the one that was a number only and fell down to my knees,
Part 2 my whole body shaking furiously, my breathing caught in my throat and I felt short of breath, I could feel the blood drain from me and I was on the verge of passing out. I tried to swallow my mouth so dry I thought I would choke on my tongue. I looked at him in the chair sleeping and looked back to his phone in sheer disbelief! The two can’t be the same person, I was watching a video of him masterbating in the toilets of some pub whispering seductively into his phone, words he had spoken to me, but now for someone else. She was masterbating in her videos asking him did he like what he saw, was she turning him on. It felt like an eternity that I sat there struggling for air, in reality a few minutes. Suddenly, I felt the blood surge through my veins again and the pounding of my heart in my ears became deafening and I jumped to my feet flaying at the unsuspecting sleeping figure in the chair, slapping him hard across the face. He leapt out of the chair shouting “what the hell!” I was screaming at him, mostly incoherently I suspect, “you’ve been having an affair?!!” He’s looking at the phone, looking at me, then back to the phone, his bewildered shocked face slowly turning to fear. Of course he denied it “what! No I haven’t, what the hell are you talking about” he reached out to touch me and I pushed him back into the chair and screamed again “you’ve been cheating on me!!” His face white, his eyes wide, him still denying, I smashed the phone into his face with the video of her playing, shouting “no!, no!, well what the hells this?!” I’m sure you know what followed, lots of excuses, I’m not cheating only sexting, it’s not you it’s me, forgive me, it meant nothing. I threw him out I couldn’t bear to look at him, he asked where am I supposed to go? It was after 2am, the temperature was in the minus degrees, the cars lay white with frost in the drive, he had no coat, I said I didn’t care where, I never wanted to set eyes on him ever again, he could go to her I’m sure she’ll be delighted to have you and I slammed the door shut and locked it. I sat down in the chair and cried uncontrollably thinking how can I survive this.
Part 3 It’s been 34 days, we’ve wept, shouted, screamed, clung to each other, made love passionately, I’ve slapped his face several times and thrown things at him �� I’ve walked out 3 times and thrown him out twice, outed his infidelity to our adult children and he has confessed all to them, we have soul searched and analyzed everything, it’s been exhausting physically, mentally. It is his issue 100% he has an appointment for a councilor this Monday coming and we are looking into joint counseling. We are making plans, targets, but taking it slow one step at a time. We have been together 40yrs, have 4 adult children, 3 grandchildren and two adopted boys of 10 & 11, we have a life that we invested in together, a life of ups, downs, anger, joy, sadnesses and extatic happinesses, but most importantly of love. Things aren’t great, but they are better than 34 days ago, 10 days ago. There are times when something is said or done that takes me right back to that traumatic moment of dday and I am overwhelmed with hurt and doubt again, I cry, lash out, scream some more, then reflect, analyze and remind myself this is not me or anything I have done, this is all him and he has a lot of work to do to gain back my trust and respect, and I have hope because I do see his shame in his face and hear it in his words and I won’t let what’s happened define who I am or who we are and what we had and I’m hopeful we can mend the broken bits and grow stronger together again. It’s a journey x
Anonymous, My own heart pounded as I read your story. It took me back to that horrible day in my own marriage. I'm so sorry for the pain you're in (and, yes, him too) but glad that you've found us. Everything you describe sounds incredibly familiar to all of us. I hope you'll continue to share your story. I can help you process the trauma of that moment to keep telling your story. And I would urge you to get counselling just for you too. Betrayal is trauma and if you treat it as such, you can move past it more effectively and file it in a healthier way in your brain. In the meantime, breathe. Trust that you are strong enough to handle this. And that the day will come when this will be a part of your story, not the whole of it.
This was a really hard concept for me to grasp and accept. Life had always been about doing the right thing, pushing myself, following what was expected and in turn everything really worked out. This was honestly the first time a to do list or more work could not fix the problem. It has been such a process. And at times it is hard to accept what my husband did, not just for me but for him too. But we have both done what this quote says. I never thought that I could be where I am today. I do remember that day where I told myself this happened but I cannot let it destroy the rest of my life. I was not sure what that meant but I took it one day at a time. Thank you Elle for always providing such thought provoking posts that apply to us no matter where we are in this process/journey.
ReplyDeleteUnknown, It was tough for me too. I firmly believed that good things happened when you followed the rules. Alas...not always. I was also a fixer. Didn't think there was anything I couldn't fix with sheer force of my will. Learning to just feel all those horribly uncomfortable tsunami-like feelings...let them wash over me and discover that I was still there, was a turning point.
DeleteOH MY GOD. ALL of this. Its like a cloud of never ending sadness, shame, guilt, anger and now nothing. After almost 5 months after DDay 2, I either feel all of the above or LITERALLY NOTHING at all. This is where I am at. a huge cloud of nothingness. Sometimes I wonder if it is our mind shutting down so that I don't have a mental breakdown. Its survival. Its all I know anymore.
ReplyDeleteTwins twice i agree perhaps a numbing agent of nothingness as the extent to feel the blow in full would be knee breaking. That numbing land of flatness is isolating and horrible i recall not even being able to find joy in my childs laughter. I used to love bedtime cuddles that upon dday felt endless and suffocating as it gave me to much time to lay in think. I cant tell tou how long this will last far longer then wed like but i can tell you it will improve even if only minimally at first ... this is wear u need to dig in to look for the slightest glimmer of sparkle, paint your toes and sit idle for tge grat to lift and color to appear. Self care front and center to burn anxiety and let go of the pressures of the say its so hard to go thru this and still function as a mom and in life right. So mac and cheese for dinner, pbj and allow yourself to rest. Try and play more with your kids and take a long shower and cry to try and heal your heart. Im almost 5 years out my dear and that first year i was numb and the second not much improved but in time i noticed the sunrise, the wind blowing how the crickets chipped how a brisk walk in the snow was captivating. Patience and time i know a 4 letter work ... time ... fuck. You got this. Be kind to you.
ReplyDeleteThank you Wounded. It sucks to think I am still at the beginning stages of healing. The thought of another year or more of this just makes me feel hopeless. After dday 1 i thought I was finally finding myself again. then dday 2 hits 3 years later.. I really just want to say F it all. its not worth it. Then I think of my kids. and how I would do anything for them to stay happy even if that means me remaining unhappy. Its just not fair. I know everyone says that you have to find your own happiness, that only I can make myself happy. Well damn it. I want someone to make the effort for me like I did for 20 years. Yes I feel entitled. Yes I feel selfish. He got to be. why isn't it my turn? Apparently I am a negative nancy today lol
DeleteI’m only a month in and the pain is unbearable. He says he wants to stay and work it out but I don’t even think he’s told me the whole truth yet. I found more info last week that made it so much worse than what he first told me.
ReplyDeleteUnknown. I am so sorry you are going thru this journey in your life. Having been there myself. You won't ever know everything and truthfully you don't really want to. Healing takes time. Making the decision to let him stay and work things out is hard to make. Again give that time too. Just remember this has nothing to do with you. Search this blog for different things that will help you because there is a lot of information on here. There are a ton strong women on here who have all gone through the same thing. Take your time to heal because it won't happen over night. I hope you find some peace in the New Year.
DeleteThis comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDeleteI found out New Years Eve. I was suspecting it for much longer so it was more dread than shock at first. He was expecting to be caught so he could stop. We have a baby. He cheated because he felt neglected while my body healed post partum. The entitlement and selfishness and audacity. The pain is so raw, it comes in waves and brings me to my knees, but somehow it brought to light this imense strength and courage than I never knew I had. I am devastated, but I will not give up on my marriage. My baby girl deserves better. My husband radiates shame and guilt, and although I have fallen out of love with him now, I still love him and I know he still loves me. I can't throw seven years out the window for 2 months of trash. I can't sleep or eat and obsess over the details which he laid out on the table.I have met up with the girl (19year old ffs) and the stories match, and I can't believe I had the self control not to drive over her or punch her. There's an imense pressure on my chest and I hope that one day, after couple's therapy and individual therapy to sort his issues out, and lots of effort, that I will be able to breathe again and look at the man I married and think that fighting for it was the right choice. But right now I feel nauseous with pain.
ReplyDeleteI'm so sorry for the pain you're in, DinoLove. Please know you're among friends who know exactly what you're going through. It all sounds incredibly familiar. IN the short term, please focus on your own health and well-being and your beautiful baby girl. Take it moment by moment. The women here, with their wisdom and their compassion, will light your way forward.
DeleteThis is going to have to be more than one posts.
ReplyDeleteI am 34 days in from dday, and have been on a roller coaster of emotions. My initial reaction as I watched the videos on his phone was complete and utter shock. I had no idea it was coming, I had no suspicions, no inklings, no doubts. He’d been on a day/night out with old work colleagues that he kept up with. He had returned home on the last train and was merry from his day out but not overly inebriated. He apologized for not having been in touch but that his phone had ran out of charge late afternoon and he took the phone from his pocket and put in on to charge. We talked for a bit, he brought me up to date with news of the lads what was happening in their lives. He told me of the funnies that had happened with one lad who couldn’t hold his drink and the news that another had split from his wife, but it was amicable and they were still friends maintaining a good relationship over the shared custody of their teenage daughter. I said I was saddened by that news, asked what had happened and he said nothing as such, just that they had both agreed they weren’t in love with each other anymore so made an amicable decision, I said you know good for them to have that honesty and still be friends not many people can do that. We chatted a little more him getting drowsy and then falling asleep on the chair. I sat to watch something on tv and his phone still plugged in lit up and pinged, then pinged again and then again. I thought this will be the txt I sent earlier asking did he need picked up from train station. It pinged again so I went to switch the sound of and on the screen it showed several txt had came in, one with no name attached just a number saying hope you had a good night, another from one of the lads saying “which one did you end up riding” the first line of the txt or first few words always shows up but you have to open it up to read the rest. I didn’t give much thought to the annonamous number but the one from the friend “which one did you end up riding” if I’m honest didn’t bring suspicion to mind more confusion, What was he talking about and what a strange opening sentence. We have horses and I somewhere in my niavity thought he was talking about them, doh! I opened his phone, we know each other’s passwords, we have no secrets, or so I thought. The message from the friend had no other content other than that one sentence, no other txt between them other than the details for meeting that day. My heart did start to pound now, my brain now kicking in with suspicion. I checked his other messages, a couple from some of the other lads saying it was a good day, have a great Xmas, one from me re pick up. I opened the one that was a number only and fell down to my knees,
Part 2
ReplyDeletemy whole body shaking furiously, my breathing caught in my throat and I felt short of breath, I could feel the blood drain from me and I was on the verge of passing out. I tried to swallow my mouth so dry I thought I would choke on my tongue. I looked at him in the chair sleeping and looked back to his phone in sheer disbelief! The two can’t be the same person, I was watching a video of him masterbating in the toilets of some pub whispering seductively into his phone, words he had spoken to me, but now for someone else. She was masterbating in her videos asking him did he like what he saw, was she turning him on. It felt like an eternity that I sat there struggling for air, in reality a few minutes. Suddenly, I felt the blood surge through my veins again and the pounding of my heart in my ears became deafening and I jumped to my feet flaying at the unsuspecting sleeping figure in the chair, slapping him hard across the face. He leapt out of the chair shouting “what the hell!” I was screaming at him, mostly incoherently I suspect, “you’ve been having an affair?!!” He’s looking at the phone, looking at me, then back to the phone, his bewildered shocked face slowly turning to fear. Of course he denied it “what! No I haven’t, what the hell are you talking about” he reached out to touch me and I pushed him back into the chair and screamed again “you’ve been cheating on me!!” His face white, his eyes wide, him still denying, I smashed the phone into his face with the video of her playing, shouting “no!, no!, well what the hells this?!” I’m sure you know what followed, lots of excuses, I’m not cheating only sexting, it’s not you it’s me, forgive me, it meant nothing. I threw him out I couldn’t bear to look at him, he asked where am I supposed to go? It was after 2am, the temperature was in the minus degrees, the cars lay white with frost in the drive, he had no coat, I said I didn’t care where, I never wanted to set eyes on him ever again, he could go to her I’m sure she’ll be delighted to have you and I slammed the door shut and locked it. I sat down in the chair and cried uncontrollably thinking how can I survive this.
Part 3
ReplyDeleteIt’s been 34 days, we’ve wept, shouted, screamed, clung to each other, made love passionately, I’ve slapped his face several times and thrown things at him �� I’ve walked out 3 times and thrown him out twice, outed his infidelity to our adult children and he has confessed all to them, we have soul searched and analyzed everything, it’s been exhausting physically, mentally. It is his issue 100% he has an appointment for a councilor this Monday coming and we are looking into joint counseling. We are making plans, targets, but taking it slow one step at a time. We have been together 40yrs, have 4 adult children, 3 grandchildren and two adopted boys of 10 & 11, we have a life that we invested in together, a life of ups, downs, anger, joy, sadnesses and extatic happinesses, but most importantly of love. Things aren’t great, but they are better than 34 days ago, 10 days ago. There are times when something is said or done that takes me right back to that traumatic moment of dday and I am overwhelmed with hurt and doubt again, I cry, lash out, scream some more, then reflect, analyze and remind myself this is not me or anything I have done, this is all him and he has a lot of work to do to gain back my trust and respect, and I have hope because I do see his shame in his face and hear it in his words and I won’t let what’s happened define who I am or who we are and what we had and I’m hopeful we can mend the broken bits and grow stronger together again. It’s a journey x
Anonymous,
DeleteMy own heart pounded as I read your story. It took me back to that horrible day in my own marriage. I'm so sorry for the pain you're in (and, yes, him too) but glad that you've found us. Everything you describe sounds incredibly familiar to all of us.
I hope you'll continue to share your story. I can help you process the trauma of that moment to keep telling your story. And I would urge you to get counselling just for you too. Betrayal is trauma and if you treat it as such, you can move past it more effectively and file it in a healthier way in your brain.
In the meantime, breathe. Trust that you are strong enough to handle this. And that the day will come when this will be a part of your story, not the whole of it.