How funny that this is the first post I saw coming back here after many many months of being gone. This morning I had a panic attack and started crying in the shower. It's been 4 years since my h affair. We are at a great place in our lives or so I thought. Even through being quarantined. I started painting again which I haven't done in years. But I don't think this was out of the blue. I think it's been pent up for a long time and just needed to be released. Maybe I haven't fully forgiven him or her. My daughter is currently going through the same thing after only being married a year. I know that I feel a lot of her pain. I try to listen to her and be there for her but, it may be affecting me more than I thought. I guess this is making me realize I still have a long journey ahead of me with some of my healing. I know from reading other women's post, who have been here a long time, that this probably isn't uncommon. He's not doing anything wrong in fact he does whatever it takes to be there for me. It's something in me that's missing I guess. Something that needs to be let go and I'm having an issue doing it today. Who knows what feeling tomorrow will bring. It's something I have to figure out myself. Thank's for letting me ramble on. It just felt good to get off my chest.
Anonymous, Be gentle with yourself. Healing is not a straight line. Sometimes what we see as setbacks are reminders that we need to be particularly patient with ourselves, to recognize new struggles. I suspect you're right -- that your daughter's pain is being felt as your own. And when we've gone through it, it can feel particularly acute. But she's lucky to have you. You can remind her that she's stronger than she knows. That she, too, will rise from this. Hang in there, Anonymous.
Hey Anon, I clicked on this post for the same reason and its been almost 7 years for me. I finally started having mostly good days about 3 years ago. But I still have PTSD from those early years, especially the first 2 years post d-day 1. And my husband has been shitty at repair so I don't have much closure. So covid is making my grief and trauma come up again. I woke up everyday for those first 2 years feeling absolute dread and being forced to live through another day, going through the motions when I felt helpless and hopeless and trying to cope with what feels like a catastrophe. I realize that so much of that feeling is emerging for me again and I am trying not to go down the same deep end that I did back then. I am scared that that despair will come back. The only solace that I have right now is that most of the world is in crisis, not just me. Atleast I don't have to suffer alone this time.
It has been a year for me. Almost exactly a year. And I think we have progressed a lot. At least the last 5 months. I am still struggling to deal with managing the triggers. In my situation, he married his mistress and has a child, now 5 years old. He confessed when the child turned 4. Despite deciding that he wants me and wants to stay with thus family, I still feel hurt sometimes. Like a sudden slap on my face, wondering, why or how on earth did this happen?
Hey Anonymous, I'm a bit confused. He's married to his affair partner but wants to be with you? In any case, a year healing from infidelity isn't long. Most experts say three to five years before you really begin to feel like this behind you. Sounds like you've made a lot of progress in a short period of time but I'm not surprised that you still feel blindsided by the pain occasionally.
Anonymous, I understand the “hurt” despite the fact he chooses you. I struggled with that too. Am I really the lucky one because a cheater decided to stay with me instead of the affair partner ? A cheater is not really a big prize. I have wondered if it would be easier to not have had to make the choice to divorce or not. It certainly would have eliminated the burning question as to what is best for me long term. ��♀️ I am almost two years out and the pain is easing, but the questions still linger. Is this right for me? Would I be happier elsewhere? My husband is becoming a better man, but do I even care? The questions to these answers change almost daily. For me, what is working now is not thinking about my marital status, but choosing each day what is best for me, THAT DAY. Being “his wife” is irrelevant. I can enjoy him for companionship when/if I want to and when I don’t want to, I can compartmentalize him like he did with his cheating all those years. It’s ironic that I have learned his bad habits that he is fighting to unlearn. It’s survival for me. Will be together forever? Maybe? Maybe not. For now I am content.
Did you say that your husband married his mistress? Did he divorce you and then come back or was he married to two woman? Who was the legal wife? I hope you find peace. Time does help the pain.
Anonymous, Your story sounds a lot like mine. I really struggled with staying for exactly the reasons you note. Is he such a prize? Might I be better off alone? As you likely know, I stayed and continue to stay and don't regret it. I did what you are doing and asked myself, each day, where do I want to be TODAY? I continue to answer "here. Right here."
Isn't it odd, how when I come here, I find a post that just resonates?
I have been struggling of late, after so many months of feeling settled and that the affairs and addiction were behind me, but in the past month or so I am finding myself again doubting why I am staying. H is not acting out, I have no real reason to question his faithfulness, but I am not happy and I am realising that again, I am here because of the children more than myself right now.
I have accepted there will be better times and harder times, but I hate that I frequently seem to pass through this stage of "I really don't want to be in this marriage". It isn't fair on H, nor me, when I withdraw and cant find a single way to try to connect with him. I know that I SHOULD try to talk to him, because it will never harm if we do talk, but when I hit this wall, I don't want to be happy again because I recognise that the depth of happiness is so unsatisfying and shallow. I spend days having to try hard to be civil, let alone loving. H has struggled with his mental health in lockdown, and I can't find it in me to care or be supportive. He asks me "do you even love me" and I don't want to hurt him, so I fumble my way around an answer, but at that time I don't. And I hate being in a marriage when I don't even feel in love.
Im trying to take each day, allow these feelings to pass, but I guess what it boils down to is when Elle, and Anonymous above asked "where do I want to be today", often the answer is "NOT here", yet I am still staying, in the hope that a week or so later I will feel differently.
Often I do, and it is enough for me to think I am better staying than going, for the children if not for myself. But is this really what I want out of life, and if not, how on earth do I get to the point where I say enough is enough, and try to change things?
My head is so confused and this is DEFINITELY one of those "mind dump" posts which probably doesnt make much sense, but as always, thank you to anyone reading, and ultimately, it just helps to get it down sometimes....
Your comment makes absolute sense Ali. I, like so many others, feel exactly the same as you. For me, the unfairness is what makes me question "What do I want" and "Why and I still here". It's my ego. The fact is my husband suffers from mental health issues and recently spent the 3.5 weeks in the psych ward because of his shame and guilt for what he did. And why did he do it in the first place? Because HE is broken.
Through all of this, I have never wanted to die from the pain, but he has wanted to (including an attempt that almost killed him). There are many days I say to myself - I love him, and then later - I hate him. How dare he do this to me and my children. How dare he take my attention away from my children, parents, siblings, friends and work. Oh the rage I have felt, if he only knew.
It's awful - but despite all of the pain, brain damage, PTSD, ruminations, violations and trauma - it really has made me think longer and harder than I ever have before - what do I want from life, and why am I here. My answer is always because I love him and he is not that person anymore. He is doing what he needs to never be that person again. He is loving and compassionate with me and has never once hinted that I had anything to do with what he did (if he did, I most likely would not be with him).
Of course I wonder everyday if I am making the right choice for me, but when I think of my life in the future without him, my mind doesn't allow me to see it. He's always there.
Acceptance of what he did does not mean you've given him permission to do this again, and it doesn't mean what he did to you is acceptable. it doesn't even mean forgiving him. It means you're acknowledging that he did it and that neither one of you can turn back the time and undo it. It is simply saying: yes, he did that in the past and there isn't a damn thing I can do to change it. For me, that has been freeing and has allowed me to have an open heart for him.
At the end of the day, I will need to heal from this with or without him. So for now, I choose with. There is no playbook, you may need more time to understand your choice - please be easy on yourself and take this day by day xo
How funny that this is the first post I saw coming back here after many many months of being gone. This morning I had a panic attack and started crying in the shower. It's been 4 years since my h affair. We are at a great place in our lives or so I thought. Even through being quarantined. I started painting again which I haven't done in years. But I don't think this was out of the blue. I think it's been pent up for a long time and just needed to be released. Maybe I haven't fully forgiven him or her.
ReplyDeleteMy daughter is currently going through the same thing after only being married a year. I know that I feel a lot of her pain. I try to listen to her and be there for her but, it may be affecting me more than I thought. I guess this is making me realize I still have a long journey ahead of me with some of my healing. I know from reading other women's post, who have been here a long time, that this probably isn't uncommon. He's not doing anything wrong in fact he does whatever it takes to be there for me. It's something in me that's missing I guess. Something that needs to be let go and I'm having an issue doing it today. Who knows what feeling tomorrow will bring. It's something I have to figure out myself.
Thank's for letting me ramble on. It just felt good to get off my chest.
Anonymous,
DeleteBe gentle with yourself. Healing is not a straight line. Sometimes what we see as setbacks are reminders that we need to be particularly patient with ourselves, to recognize new struggles. I suspect you're right -- that your daughter's pain is being felt as your own. And when we've gone through it, it can feel particularly acute. But she's lucky to have you. You can remind her that she's stronger than she knows. That she, too, will rise from this.
Hang in there, Anonymous.
Hey Anon, I clicked on this post for the same reason and its been almost 7 years for me. I finally started having mostly good days about 3 years ago. But I still have PTSD from those early years, especially the first 2 years post d-day 1. And my husband has been shitty at repair so I don't have much closure. So covid is making my grief and trauma come up again. I woke up everyday for those first 2 years feeling absolute dread and being forced to live through another day, going through the motions when I felt helpless and hopeless and trying to cope with what feels like a catastrophe. I realize that so much of that feeling is emerging for me again and I am trying not to go down the same deep end that I did back then. I am scared that that despair will come back. The only solace that I have right now is that most of the world is in crisis, not just me. Atleast I don't have to suffer alone this time.
ReplyDeleteIt has been a year for me. Almost exactly a year. And I think we have progressed a lot. At least the last 5 months. I am still struggling to deal with managing the triggers. In my situation, he married his mistress and has a child, now 5 years old. He confessed when the child turned 4. Despite deciding that he wants me and wants to stay with thus family, I still feel hurt sometimes. Like a sudden slap on my face, wondering, why or how on earth did this happen?
ReplyDeleteHey Anonymous,
DeleteI'm a bit confused. He's married to his affair partner but wants to be with you?
In any case, a year healing from infidelity isn't long. Most experts say three to five years before you really begin to feel like this behind you. Sounds like you've made a lot of progress in a short period of time but I'm not surprised that you still feel blindsided by the pain occasionally.
Anonymous, I understand the “hurt” despite the fact he chooses you. I struggled with that too. Am I really the lucky one because a cheater decided to stay with me instead of the affair partner ? A cheater is not really a big prize. I have wondered if it would be easier to not have had to make the choice to divorce or not. It certainly would have eliminated the burning question as to what is best for me long term. ��♀️ I am almost two years out and the pain is easing, but the questions still linger. Is this right for me? Would I be happier elsewhere? My husband is becoming a better man, but do I even care? The questions to these answers change almost daily. For me, what is working now is not thinking about my marital status, but choosing each day what is best for me, THAT DAY. Being “his wife” is irrelevant. I can enjoy him for companionship when/if I want to and when I don’t want to, I can compartmentalize him like he did with his cheating all those years. It’s ironic that I have learned his bad habits that he is fighting to unlearn. It’s survival for me. Will be together forever? Maybe? Maybe not. For now I am content.
ReplyDeleteDid you say that your husband married his mistress? Did he divorce you and then come back or was he married to two woman? Who was the legal wife? I hope you find peace. Time does help the pain.
Anonymous,
DeleteYour story sounds a lot like mine. I really struggled with staying for exactly the reasons you note. Is he such a prize? Might I be better off alone? As you likely know, I stayed and continue to stay and don't regret it. I did what you are doing and asked myself, each day, where do I want to be TODAY? I continue to answer "here. Right here."
Isn't it odd, how when I come here, I find a post that just resonates?
ReplyDeleteI have been struggling of late, after so many months of feeling settled and that the affairs and addiction were behind me, but in the past month or so I am finding myself again doubting why I am staying. H is not acting out, I have no real reason to question his faithfulness, but I am not happy and I am realising that again, I am here because of the children more than myself right now.
I have accepted there will be better times and harder times, but I hate that I frequently seem to pass through this stage of "I really don't want to be in this marriage". It isn't fair on H, nor me, when I withdraw and cant find a single way to try to connect with him. I know that I SHOULD try to talk to him, because it will never harm if we do talk, but when I hit this wall, I don't want to be happy again because I recognise that the depth of happiness is so unsatisfying and shallow. I spend days having to try hard to be civil, let alone loving. H has struggled with his mental health in lockdown, and I can't find it in me to care or be supportive. He asks me "do you even love me" and I don't want to hurt him, so I fumble my way around an answer, but at that time I don't. And I hate being in a marriage when I don't even feel in love.
Im trying to take each day, allow these feelings to pass, but I guess what it boils down to is when Elle, and Anonymous above asked "where do I want to be today", often the answer is "NOT here", yet I am still staying, in the hope that a week or so later I will feel differently.
Often I do, and it is enough for me to think I am better staying than going, for the children if not for myself. But is this really what I want out of life, and if not, how on earth do I get to the point where I say enough is enough, and try to change things?
My head is so confused and this is DEFINITELY one of those "mind dump" posts which probably doesnt make much sense, but as always, thank you to anyone reading, and ultimately, it just helps to get it down sometimes....
Your comment makes absolute sense Ali. I, like so many others, feel exactly the same as you. For me, the unfairness is what makes me question "What do I want" and "Why and I still here". It's my ego. The fact is my husband suffers from mental health issues and recently spent the 3.5 weeks in the psych ward because of his shame and guilt for what he did. And why did he do it in the first place? Because HE is broken.
ReplyDeleteThrough all of this, I have never wanted to die from the pain, but he has wanted to (including an attempt that almost killed him). There are many days I say to myself - I love him, and then later - I hate him. How dare he do this to me and my children. How dare he take my attention away from my children, parents, siblings, friends and work. Oh the rage I have felt, if he only knew.
It's awful - but despite all of the pain, brain damage, PTSD, ruminations, violations and trauma - it really has made me think longer and harder than I ever have before - what do I want from life, and why am I here. My answer is always because I love him and he is not that person anymore. He is doing what he needs to never be that person again. He is loving and compassionate with me and has never once hinted that I had anything to do with what he did (if he did, I most likely would not be with him).
Of course I wonder everyday if I am making the right choice for me, but when I think of my life in the future without him, my mind doesn't allow me to see it. He's always there.
Acceptance of what he did does not mean you've given him permission to do this again, and it doesn't mean what he did to you is acceptable. it doesn't even mean forgiving him. It means you're acknowledging that he did it and that neither one of you can turn back the time and undo it. It is simply saying: yes, he did that in the past and there isn't a damn thing I can do to change it. For me, that has been freeing and has allowed me to have an open heart for him.
At the end of the day, I will need to heal from this with or without him. So for now, I choose with. There is no playbook, you may need more time to understand your choice - please be easy on yourself and take this day by day xo