I would love nothing more than space to listen to my own voice and my own soul, but economic restrictions won't allow me to step away from him. I am from South Africa, and the country has been locked-down for the past 2 weeks, and is to remain locked down for the next 3 weeks. I am locked-down with my finance, who was supposed to be my husband in a month's time but I have recently discovered inappropriate texts between him and multiple women; which is really not a train smash, the only thing is that he keeps lying about things as we try to work it out. I am really willing to forgive and move on, but it's proving impossible because he is continuously deleting things on his phone to limit the truth he shares. I am 23 years old and 3 months pregnant. The counsel we are receiving is really unhelpful; he is being pardoned without rebuke, and I am just being called to forgiving and trusting him despite his continued obscurity.
I try not to be stressed because I am carrying a baby, but stressed is the only thing I am. I am not even heart broken anymore, just stressed.
Oh, honey, I am so so sorry. I can imagine how difficult this is. I do hope you'll do everything you can to keep yourself well and take care of your baby-to-be. You'll see at the top of this site a tagline that reads "My heartbreak, my rules". What that means is that, if your fiance wants you to even consider staying with him, then he needs to come completely clean. He needs to stop deleting and start discussing. He needs to seek help for himself as to why he's going outside of your relationship. If he won't do any of those things, then he's basically telling you that you can expect more of the same. I'm wondering what you can do to keep yourself stable and relatively calm right now. Can you get outside for walks (keeping 6' away from others)? Do you have any support in your life-- a mother, a sister, a friend -- who can listen to you as you work your way through this? I'm glad you found us and I hope you'll continue to post here. And please know, there is an army of women on this site who know what you're going through.
This is my life. Quarantined with the husband who betrayed me 6 weeks ago. I am dealing with so many things right now that just simply trying to breathe takes effort. I have never felt so deeply and utterly alone with such profound sadness. We've been married 5 years and this is the second marriage for both of us. We've always been so close and function so well as pair and this absolutely blew me away. He has been blackmailed by the OW for two years, from the very first time they had sex. She demanded a VERY large sum of money, and he says he only gave her a few thousand dollars to appease her. I am beyond sick. The day after he finally told me I couldn't deal with the overwhelming sadness and took a few pain pills left over from a past surgery, and mixed that with alcohol - not something I am proud of- I honestly just wanted to numb the pain, but not end my life. But I just about did that and ended up on a ventilator and then in an acute psych unit at a mental health facility that forced me to stay. I still have nightmares and flashbacks of those few days. I was released to go home with my husband just as stay at home orders were beginning to be issued in the US. I feel like this is a movie and one day I will wake up. It's honestly been unreal. I am able to see a therapist weekly, which is the one thing that is keeping me sane. I do need to say that I hardly ever drink, so that is thankfully not an issue for me, nor do I ever just pop pills. I do have a chronic health issue that I am treated with a medication that severely compromises my immune system, so I am forced to self- isolate regardless of any state orders. My husband is an essential worker and on the front lines of the virus treatment, so even being in the same house with him is somewhat of a threat. It's overwhelming. I have so many triggers that I feel like I cry daily. He has been in therapy for over a year without my knowledge, trying to deal with his blackmail threats and trying to get up the courage to tell me. I have never felt so vulnerable or so betrayed. I am so stuck in this situation, and so deeply sad that my best friend could hurt me like this. He is convinced we can work through this. Of course I am the best thing that ever happened to him, the kindest and most giving person that he has ever met...blah, blah, blah... Makes me want to puke. As does thinking about him cheating on me. I am trying to tell him how I feel and what I need but he just isn't getting it. I do believe he does want to change, but has NO idea what this has done to me or to our marriage. Is there something he can read that would smack him in the face and help him to realize I can't just "get over it" on his timeline? As if I will ever just get over it at all. Sorry to vent so much, I am just discovering this blog, and finally finding someone who gets it is giving me a ray of home that I am not crazy.
I'm so sorry for everything you've gone through. I know that pain and it's excruciating. You will get through this. I promise you that. And yes, there's something he can read. I'll post a link at the end of my response here. In the meantime, I'm so glad you have a therapist. I want to encourage you to consider that his cheating was never about hurting you (I know it sounds crazy). That he didn't so much do this TO you, as simply do this. We are collateral damage in a damaged person's actions. But that doesn't let him off the hook for trying to understand your feelings. I'm wondering if he's so shame-avoidant that truly acknowledging what this has done to you is too much for him right now. But...that's something for him to work out with this therapist. In the meantime, here are a couple of posts about "getting over it": https://betrayedwivesclub.blogspot.com/2018/06/from-vault-when-you-just-cant-get-over_23.html and https://betrayedwivesclub.blogspot.com/2014/04/my-letter-to-husbands-just-talk-about.html
I would love nothing more than to drop kick my husband’s mistress through the goal post of life. She is from Russia and they created two children together. My son found out he has two siblings but does not want anything to do with them.
It is a long story but it can be summed up pretty well. Husband has affair with Russian girl and gets her pregnant. He hides her away in another state. Then baby number 2 arrives. She moves to the same state I reside in. He is in another country working. The worst part of this is she links herself to him by using their story to build a business of photography. Well she leaves parts out like my son and me. It feels like she is flaunting her life and it is painful.
I don’t talk about this to many people because I feel like I will be judge somehow. I have been to therapy and my son as well. He told me if he felt the way I did about his father he would never speak to him again. Heartbreaking.
I would love nothing more than space to listen to my own voice and my own soul, but economic restrictions won't allow me to step away from him. I am from South Africa, and the country has been locked-down for the past 2 weeks, and is to remain locked down for the next 3 weeks. I am locked-down with my finance, who was supposed to be my husband in a month's time but I have recently discovered inappropriate texts between him and multiple women; which is really not a train smash, the only thing is that he keeps lying about things as we try to work it out. I am really willing to forgive and move on, but it's proving impossible because he is continuously deleting things on his phone to limit the truth he shares. I am 23 years old and 3 months pregnant. The counsel we are receiving is really unhelpful; he is being pardoned without rebuke, and I am just being called to forgiving and trusting him despite his continued obscurity.
ReplyDeleteI try not to be stressed because I am carrying a baby, but stressed is the only thing I am. I am not even heart broken anymore, just stressed.
Oh, honey, I am so so sorry. I can imagine how difficult this is. I do hope you'll do everything you can to keep yourself well and take care of your baby-to-be.
DeleteYou'll see at the top of this site a tagline that reads "My heartbreak, my rules". What that means is that, if your fiance wants you to even consider staying with him, then he needs to come completely clean. He needs to stop deleting and start discussing. He needs to seek help for himself as to why he's going outside of your relationship. If he won't do any of those things, then he's basically telling you that you can expect more of the same.
I'm wondering what you can do to keep yourself stable and relatively calm right now. Can you get outside for walks (keeping 6' away from others)? Do you have any support in your life-- a mother, a sister, a friend -- who can listen to you as you work your way through this?
I'm glad you found us and I hope you'll continue to post here. And please know, there is an army of women on this site who know what you're going through.
This is my life. Quarantined with the husband who betrayed me 6 weeks ago. I am dealing with so many things right now that just simply trying to breathe takes effort. I have never felt so deeply and utterly alone with such profound sadness. We've been married 5 years and this is the second marriage for both of us. We've always been so close and function so well as pair and this absolutely blew me away. He has been blackmailed by the OW for two years, from the very first time they had sex. She demanded a VERY large sum of money, and he says he only gave her a few thousand dollars to appease her. I am beyond sick. The day after he finally told me I couldn't deal with the overwhelming sadness and took a few pain pills left over from a past surgery, and mixed that with alcohol - not something I am proud of- I honestly just wanted to numb the pain, but not end my life. But I just about did that and ended up on a ventilator and then in an acute psych unit at a mental health facility that forced me to stay. I still have nightmares and flashbacks of those few days. I was released to go home with my husband just as stay at home orders were beginning to be issued in the US. I feel like this is a movie and one day I will wake up. It's honestly been unreal. I am able to see a therapist weekly, which is the one thing that is keeping me sane. I do need to say that I hardly ever drink, so that is thankfully not an issue for me, nor do I ever just pop pills. I do have a chronic health issue that I am treated with a medication that severely compromises my immune system, so I am forced to self- isolate regardless of any state orders. My husband is an essential worker and on the front lines of the virus treatment, so even being in the same house with him is somewhat of a threat. It's overwhelming. I have so many triggers that I feel like I cry daily. He has been in therapy for over a year without my knowledge, trying to deal with his blackmail threats and trying to get up the courage to tell me. I have never felt so vulnerable or so betrayed. I am so stuck in this situation, and so deeply sad that my best friend could hurt me like this. He is convinced we can work through this. Of course I am the best thing that ever happened to him, the kindest and most giving person that he has ever met...blah, blah, blah... Makes me want to puke. As does thinking about him cheating on me. I am trying to tell him how I feel and what I need but he just isn't getting it. I do believe he does want to change, but has NO idea what this has done to me or to our marriage. Is there something he can read that would smack him in the face and help him to realize I can't just "get over it" on his timeline? As if I will ever just get over it at all.
ReplyDeleteSorry to vent so much, I am just discovering this blog, and finally finding someone who gets it is giving me a ray of home that I am not crazy.
I'm so sorry for everything you've gone through. I know that pain and it's excruciating.
DeleteYou will get through this. I promise you that. And yes, there's something he can read. I'll post a link at the end of my response here.
In the meantime, I'm so glad you have a therapist. I want to encourage you to consider that his cheating was never about hurting you (I know it sounds crazy). That he didn't so much do this TO you, as simply do this. We are collateral damage in a damaged person's actions.
But that doesn't let him off the hook for trying to understand your feelings. I'm wondering if he's so shame-avoidant that truly acknowledging what this has done to you is too much for him right now. But...that's something for him to work out with this therapist. In the meantime, here are a couple of posts about "getting over it": https://betrayedwivesclub.blogspot.com/2018/06/from-vault-when-you-just-cant-get-over_23.html
and
https://betrayedwivesclub.blogspot.com/2014/04/my-letter-to-husbands-just-talk-about.html
I would love nothing more than to drop kick my husband’s mistress through the goal post of life. She is from Russia and they created two children together. My son found out he has two siblings but does not want anything to do with them.
ReplyDeleteIt is a long story but it can be summed up pretty well. Husband has affair with Russian girl and gets her pregnant. He hides her away in another state. Then baby number 2 arrives. She moves to the same state I reside in. He is in another country working. The worst part of this is she links herself to him by using their story to build a business of photography. Well she leaves parts out like my son and me. It feels like she is flaunting her life and it is painful.
I don’t talk about this to many people because I feel like I will be judge somehow. I have been to therapy and my son as well. He told me if he felt the way I did about his father he would never speak to him again. Heartbreaking.