Tuesday, April 14, 2020

What we can learn about control from a rubber band

If you think of your family/household as a “system” of interdependence, you’ll recognize that when one part of the system changes, the rest of it will be forced to change in response. A good metaphor for this is if you picture a group of people in a circle holding onto a large taut rubber band. As everyone leans back, the tension in the band increases. Even if one person lets go of the tension that binds everyone together, the others will inevitably have to rebalance their relationship to one another and to the rubber band (the “system.”)

We may not be able to demand that others change, but we can change ourselves. It’s not easy to relinquish a power struggle or “take the high road” towards reconciliation when in conflict with someone who is unwilling to bend, but you may be surprised at how powerful a change in how you speak or react to others can be in shifting the dynamics among you.

~Susan Epstein, The Woolfer

There you are. Quarantined with the person who broke your heart. Trapped in so many ways. Fighting to breathe through the brain. If betrayal is excruciating, betrayal while forced to remain in your home is exponentially harder. And yet...there you are. 
Let me begin by simply saying, I see you. I see your pain and I see your desperation and I know well the shattering you're experiencing. 
I, of course, had access to a therapist, to my mother, to the day-to-day routine that can give shape to our lives in the midst of an explosion within them. You likely don't. Instead, you are unable to visit parents or adult siblings or friends who might be able to offer comfort. You are unable to seek distraction in work outside your home (unless you aren essential worker, which, right now, only adds more stress to your lives no matter how grateful the rest of us are for your service).
If you are a anything like I, you feel helpless and suffocated by pain at a time when you are being called on to support your children through their own stress, to find meaning in long days and longer nights, to imagine a time when this will be a memory.
Which is why I took note of what therapist Susan Epstein wrote. The entire article is worth your time (and includes links to online group therapy supports and access to domestic violence helpline, though you have to subscribe to read it) but, in particular, Epstein reminds us that we have more power than we might recognize. 
It's a theme we return to on this site, again and again. You cannot control anyone else. But you can control you. That's what Epstein is telling us with her rubber band analogy. If we stop leaning back, the tension in the rubber band shifts.
What does that look like in real life? Maybe it looks like you refusing to be silenced when he says "aren't you ever going to get over this?" Maybe it looks like you walking away when he picks a fight instead of taking the bait. Or maybe it has way less to do with responding to him and a whole lot more to do with your own healing, with transforming how you show up in the world. 
Because – let's say it again – that's really all any of us can control in this world.
And maybe that's the lesson held in this time of quarantine. That so much of the control we think we have is an illusion. That something minute and invisible to the naked eye can alter our world. It's a lesson delivered on D-Day. It's a lesson that shows up in so many parts of our lives and yet the vast majority of us resist it, refuse it. 
But here's what's also important to note: What we can control – ourselves – come sometimes be enough to generate change around us. Not by demanding it or forcing it, but by our own shift, which ripples out to others. 
It's something I've noticed in my own quarantined family of five. When I take steps to manage my own emotions, those around me seem better able to manage their own. When I refuse to participate in drama, the drama tends to fizzle out. To put it another way, it takes two to tango and I can either put on my dancing shoes or sit it out. 
So yeah, it sucks to be confined to our homes. It sucks that we can't see friends, therapists, our favorite barista. And it absolutely sucks to be betrayed. But while we're in forced confinement with the person who hurt us most, we can begin our own healing, which starts with acknowledging that all we can control is ourselves. And that will be enough. 

7 comments:

  1. I needed this today.... I was just furloughed on Friday and found out about my husbands affair last night. He is now working from home as well...and our 5 year old is home with us too. I’ve hardly moved or eaten all day and I don’t know who to turn to for support. He is my best friend and has betrayed me and I don’t have many friends outside our marriage to confide in. I want to talk to my mother but I’m fearful she’ll never forgive him if we work it out....I want to stay strong and happy for my daughter but this will be a struggle. Any words of wisdom welcomed.

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    1. Anonymous,
      That you were able to get yourself to a computer to post this is HUGE. Give yourself credit for functioning when your entire life has imploded. I want you to know three things: You are not responsible for your husband's cheating. You are not alone in your pain. You will get through this.
      For now, you're probably in some measure shock. Both events in your life are a LOT to deal with. Rest as much as you can. It can help to read (in part because you will see reminders that women survive this and move past this and so will you) but it can also become a lot so build in time to just...be and feed. Go for walks (6' away from people, of course). Listen to music. Bake. Do whatever you can to step away. If you don't already meditate, it can help to build a practice. Your daughter will undoubtedly be feeling stressed too, which can put additional pressure on you to support her when YOU need support. Lower the bar from "strong and happy" to "functional and open to her concerns". It's okay if she's you struggling. She just needs to see that struggles don't kill us. That life is ups and downs and that you are committed to getting through this difficult time and that she will too. Let her know it's okay to feel sad and scared. They're just feelings. Ask your husband to step in too and offer additional support to her.
      I told my kids (my youngest was 4) that "mommy and daddy were going through some problems but that we were working hard to get through them".
      I would urge you to confide in your mother. You need support. But tell her that right now you need non-judgemental support -- you just need a (virtual) shoulder to cry on, not a pitchfork mob.
      And I hope you'll continue to post here. The women here are incredible -- smart and compassionate and strong. You are too.
      I'm so sorry you're dealing with all of this right now. Absolutely sucks. But you are among friends.

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  2. Hi Elle!

    Sometimes I'm quite ok and next minute I'm growing anxious. I can't control my emotions and many times I feel I don't have anyone to talk to since they don't understand my feelings. I don't know what's the best way to get over this and the confinement is not making things easier... Sometimes I feel completely devastated and unable to forgive (while other I feel just good). It's crazy!

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    1. That's pretty normal, even under circumstances that haven't confined us to our homes. It's a roller coaster. The "feel good" part is pretty promising. Hold onto that. It's your reminder that you will continue to feel good more and more as time works its magic.
      The loneliness part is a big piece of this. I felt incredibly alone because the few friends I told (with one exception) weren't very understanding. My mother was incredible but she passed away shortly after, fairly unexpectedly. So...it's tough. Which is exactly why I created this site. We know your pain. We get what you're going through. Please don't hesitate to continue posting.

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    2. Hi!

      I'm so sorry about what happened with your mother. I told my mother and she said that the decision was mine but warned me to be careful and said "you can forgive once but don't be submissive". My sister was not supportive however. She said I was very dumb and this was going to happen again and in my bad days she said that if I had made a decision, I would have to move forward, so I can't unburden myself with her and I think this is the worst part of all: The opinion of your loved ones...

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  3. Reading this has opened up some glimmer of hope. Like many my husband is my best friend (or so i thought). I've placed all my eggs in this one basket and he's dropped it. Speaking of his betrayal makes me feel all sorts of wrong (if that makes sense). He has confessed to his wrong doings and vows to change to save our marriage. Believing this is hard.
    His unfaithfulness has thrown my sleep pattern off along with everything else. I am 7 months pregnant with our rainbow baby. He has stolen all of my joy away. I feel like I'm just here and life is just happening.

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  4. I am 2 years and 1 week since d-day 1. My husband and I have worked through things I know I have come so far. A year ago we moved from dc to Boston. A fresh start in a new city has been so good for us. Gone are the physical reminders. We are closer than we have ever been and are looking towards the future. I find myself going weeks without thinking about the affairs. And then, a few days after my d day anniversary, I had an urge to internet stalk the most recently affair partner. The one I discovered on d day. What are the fucking odds that she would be a travel nurse now and her next assignment is in Boston. I know rationally that she can’t take this new city from me. But I feel frustrated and angry. As if she is infiltrating my safe space again. I also recognize it’s unlikely I’d run into her. But we live blocks away from one of the biggest hospitals in Boston and I can’t help but go down the rabbit hole of anxiety. It feels again like I just can’t win. I want to tell him but I also don't. I know he feels relief that we are back on track. The weight of everything is unbearable at times. Part of me also doesn't want to tell him because I want to be vigilant. Which i know is ridiculous. I do trust him. But all of these emotions come back so intensely. Ugh.

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