I recently found your website and it is the fist time I write about this.
I would like to normalize what happened, continue with my relationship, have no doubts, not think about the past, stay with the good, be more sure of myself, have inner peace... But I do have lots of doubts. Just because I cannot stop thinking about it.
I most the times feel lost and confused. Feeling very bad about myself and feeling like I'm losing my identity. With too many repetitive thoughts.
My partner was unfaithful to me, a long time ago, but he confessed it to me 1 year ago. We have been 5 years together.
He kissed someone else, he was 18 and it was only 1 kiss with a friend during a drunken night.
It was only our first months of relationship. We were 15.000 km apart having a long distance relationship. But next month of that, I went to visit him.
After a while, on another occasion also while being some months apart in the distance but still in the relationship he practiced sexting with a stranger, only once.
He confessed these two things to me a year ago because he was feeling too guilty now that finally we moved together.
I felt grateful that he told me because when we were at a distance I always suffered from insecurities and knew that something like this could happen...But I wish it never happened. I was relieved to see that that was the "only" things that happened and that he did not sleep with anyone.
But the months have passed and I have been making it "big" in my head and I feel so much pain.
Could you consider those things infidelity?
We were starting, young, in the distance... But then why is it difficult to forget it? Why does it hurt so much…
I want to forget it. I wish it never happened I would like to normalize what happened and not hurt so much.
Its like if something inside me is "protecting" me and that is why I cannot move forward and forget the negative. Am I doing the good decision staying? Its been a year since I know and I can’t stop thinking about it. I have doubts and I don’t know what I feel anymore. I know there is so much good on him and in our relationship and it would be stupid to consider leaving just for those two things. But then why I can’t stop hurting…
Lately I have a hard time getting up in the morning and not having repetitive thoughts. I'm desperate. I love him very much and I know that our relationship is worth it but I have been suffering with the same subject for a long time. Sometimes I wonder: what if by trying and staying I am not respecting myself? "
If you ever read this, thanks for your time. And if not, thanks for your time also through your page.
I'm so sorry for the pain you're in. To answer a couple of your questions, yes, it's normal to hurt from this and yes, it's infidelity. Think of it this way, any behaviour that a partner wouldn't do in front of their spouse/partner is a betrayal. That includes sexting, kissing, flirting, etc. I think it's good that your partner felt the desire to be honest with you. But I nonetheless think he needs to do some soul-searching about why he violated your trust in the first place. What was he telling himself that allowed him to engage in behaviour that crossed a line? And how can he ensure he doens't do this again. As for your response to this, I suspect it goes beyond your partner's behaviour to something deeper. Do you think you have issues around trust? Have other relationships in your life, including with parents/friends/partners includes violations of your trust? I ask only because you mention being "insecure". I would encourage you to seek counselling to dig deeper into that so that you can heal that part of yourself. The healthier we are emotionally, the healthier our relationships with be and the stronger our boundaries will be, which ensure we feel emotionally safe in a relationship. So no...staying in this relationship, assuming you feel as though your partner is taking steps to understand his behaviour and ensure he doesn't repeat it, isn't disrespecting yourself at all. We are allowed to forgive others for mistakes, just as we hope to be forgiven. But if there's no remorse, if there's no indication that he's willing to learn form this, if there's no indication that he truly recognizes the pain he's caused, then he's not such a good bet for a second chance.
Thanks for sharing anonymous, that’s very brave of you. I too get those negative ruminating thoughts daily, but I feel Able to talk to my husband about it and express what I am feeling, although knowing he can’t do anything about it now as the damage is already done I think if he’s reassuring you and actually remorseful for what he has done then there is hope for forgiveness. Like Elle said in her previous post why do we label them personally and not just the behaviour. If you do deeply love him then see if you can get past it together as a team.
Can I just ask Elle,or anyone for that matter how did you overcome or didn’t you have any fears of what people would think in taking back your husband after an affair? I feel like society and majority of the world has that mentality of once a cheater always a cheater but how did you get to that point of not caring what they thought, I no no one will actually say to my face oh your silly for taking him back (although some family has) but I think I hate the judgment even though I’m probably multiplying it worse in my head? Any thoughts
I love this.
ReplyDeleteI recently found your website and it is the fist time I write about this.
ReplyDeleteI would like to normalize what happened, continue with my relationship, have no doubts, not think about the past, stay with the good, be more sure of myself, have inner peace...
But I do have lots of doubts. Just because I cannot stop thinking about it.
I most the times feel lost and confused. Feeling very bad about myself and feeling like I'm losing my identity.
With too many repetitive thoughts.
My partner was unfaithful to me, a long time ago, but he confessed it to me 1 year ago. We have been 5 years together.
He kissed someone else, he was 18 and it was only 1 kiss with a friend during a drunken night.
It was only our first months of relationship. We were 15.000 km apart having a long distance relationship. But next month of that, I went to visit him.
After a while, on another occasion also while being some months apart in the distance but still in the relationship he practiced sexting with a stranger, only once.
He confessed these two things to me a year ago because he was feeling too guilty now that finally we moved together.
I felt grateful that he told me because when we were at a distance I always suffered from insecurities and knew that something like this could happen...But I wish it never happened.
I was relieved to see that that was the "only" things that happened and that he did not sleep with anyone.
But the months have passed and I have been making it "big" in my head and I feel so much pain.
Could you consider those things infidelity?
We were starting, young, in the distance... But then why is it difficult to forget it? Why does it hurt so much…
I want to forget it. I wish it never happened I would like to normalize what happened and not hurt so much.
Its like if something inside me is "protecting" me and that is why I cannot move forward and forget the negative. Am I doing the good decision staying? Its been a year since I know and I can’t stop thinking about it. I have doubts and I don’t know what I feel anymore. I know there is so much good on him and in our relationship and it would be stupid to consider leaving just for those two things. But then why I can’t stop hurting…
Lately I have a hard time getting up in the morning and not having repetitive thoughts. I'm desperate. I love him very much and I know that our relationship is worth it but I have been suffering with the same subject for a long time. Sometimes I wonder: what if by trying and staying I am not respecting myself? "
If you ever read this, thanks for your time. And if not, thanks for your time also through your page.
I'm so sorry for the pain you're in. To answer a couple of your questions, yes, it's normal to hurt from this and yes, it's infidelity. Think of it this way, any behaviour that a partner wouldn't do in front of their spouse/partner is a betrayal. That includes sexting, kissing, flirting, etc.
DeleteI think it's good that your partner felt the desire to be honest with you. But I nonetheless think he needs to do some soul-searching about why he violated your trust in the first place. What was he telling himself that allowed him to engage in behaviour that crossed a line? And how can he ensure he doens't do this again.
As for your response to this, I suspect it goes beyond your partner's behaviour to something deeper. Do you think you have issues around trust? Have other relationships in your life, including with parents/friends/partners includes violations of your trust? I ask only because you mention being "insecure". I would encourage you to seek counselling to dig deeper into that so that you can heal that part of yourself. The healthier we are emotionally, the healthier our relationships with be and the stronger our boundaries will be, which ensure we feel emotionally safe in a relationship.
So no...staying in this relationship, assuming you feel as though your partner is taking steps to understand his behaviour and ensure he doesn't repeat it, isn't disrespecting yourself at all. We are allowed to forgive others for mistakes, just as we hope to be forgiven. But if there's no remorse, if there's no indication that he's willing to learn form this, if there's no indication that he truly recognizes the pain he's caused, then he's not such a good bet for a second chance.
Thanks for sharing anonymous, that’s very brave of you. I too get those negative ruminating thoughts daily, but I feel Able to talk to my husband about it and express what I am feeling, although knowing he can’t do anything about it now as the damage is already done I think if he’s reassuring you and actually remorseful for what he has done then there is hope for forgiveness. Like Elle said in her previous post why do we label them personally and not just the behaviour. If you do deeply love him then see if you can get past it together as a team.
ReplyDeleteCan I just ask Elle,or anyone for that matter how did you overcome or didn’t you have any fears of what people would think in taking back your husband after an affair? I feel like society and majority of the world has that mentality of once a cheater always a cheater but how did you get to that point of not caring what they thought, I no no one will actually say to my face oh your silly for taking him back (although some family has) but I think I hate the judgment even though I’m probably multiplying it worse in my head? Any thoughts
ReplyDelete