How to Save Your Own Life

It was stunning, in hindsight, how quickly I went from euphoria to devastation. I had just wrapped up a wildly successful fundraiser that I was incredibly proud of when I finally had time to take a breath, look around...and realize that my husband was having an affair.
By the time the shock wore off a few months later, I fell into total despair. Plenty of old demons that I thought I'd banished were back taunting me.
The pain was so excruciating, I wished I was dead.
It's hard to write that though I know it's the truth. It feels pathetic. Humiliating. What sort of woman is so reliant on a man's validation that she wishes herself dead if he cheats on her?
Well...this sort of woman.
I'm able to see now how my husband's infidelity reopened those old childhood wounds, and confirmed for me the belief that I was unlovable. At the time, however, I just knew the pain felt bigger than my ability to handle it. I felt so unworthy of love that I thought everyone would be better off without me.
My own mother attempted suicide more than once and so I had that stroke against me too. Statistically speaking, I was more inclined.
I didn't kill myself, obviously. Instead, I doubled down on therapy. Found someone who did EMDR to help me with post-trauma. I ran. I journaled. I meditated. I read volumes of books written to help people like me find their way back. I offered myself affirmations, even though it felt ridiculous and I hardly believed them.
I saved my own life.
And whether or not you want to actually die or, like me, are unable to imagine ever again not feeling this crippling pain, you can save your life too.
How? 
Let me tell you:

1. Save yourself first
Think of this way: You're are drowning. And before you worry about whether your husband on shore is going to throw you a rope or whether he's flirting with another woman on the beach, start swimming toward shore. Keep your head above water. Which is a metaphor for reaching for everything that can keep you afloat. Find a therapist who understands infidelity. Read books by reputable authors about infidelity. Once you shift focus from your unfaithful spouse, you will begin to understand that infidelity is rarely about the person being cheated on. He didn't cheat because there's something wrong with you, he cheated because there's something wrong with him. And fixing it is an inside job for him. Your job is to swim like hell for the shore, with the guidance of a therapist, non-judgemental friend(s), and honest, straightforward support, such as this site, books, podcasts.
As part of this first step, you should set down some non-negotiables, among them: He must end the affair and have zero contact with his affair partner, he must give you any/all access to his modes of communication and he must seek therapy/12-step group or whatever you deem appropriate. Failure to commit to "My heartbreak, my rules" is a loud, clear message that his comfort/privacy is more important than your healing. That's valuable information for you to have as you grapple with whether your want your marriage.

2. Rediscover your worth
We are born worthy of love and acceptance and belonging. Those of us with unhealthy families of origin often forget that. We take the blame for our parents' problems, we assume failure. What I'm proposing sounds deceptively simple. I want you to love yourself back to wholeness. I want you to stop cataloguing your faults (an elastic band around your wrist can serve as an "ouch" reminder to stop. Give it a snap when you criticize yourself for anything from burning dinner to not having a supermodel figure to getting frustrated with your toddler. You are doing your best and our best gets better in an environment of self-compassion. And instead of criticism, I want you to make a concerted effort to offer yourself compliments. Stick with me here, I know it sounds dumb. But science tells us affirmations work. I learned this from my youngest daughter, who was diagnosed with Obsessive Compulsive Disorder when she was 11. She began posting notes around her room to remind her that she didn't have to be perfect (and that, in fact, trying to be perfect exacerbated her OCD): "It's okay to make mistakes", she wrote. "You are an imperfect human just like everyone else", she wrote. I asked her to write some for me, which I posted on my bathroom mirror and read them daily. "You are beautiful, talented and brave," she wrote for me. Just think about it: Every single day started out with me reminding myself that I am beautiful, talented and brave. Don't you think my day is going to go better than if I started out with those words instead of, as I used to, chastising myself for having thick thighs, or crow's feet? You bet! Try it and stick with it for four weeks, minimum.

3. Give yourself compassion
The most surprising thing about infidelity for me was just how crippling it was. Nothing prepared me for the emotional devastation. Most of us imagine anger. We imagine revenge. We don't imagine just how hard it will be to function. To get out of bed. To parent children. To show up to work. To get through a day without completely falling apart.
What's worse is that we blame ourselves for our difficulty managing this. Infidelity is trauma. Of course, we can barely function, we're traumatized. When we accept that, it becomes much easier to extend compassion to ourselves. To stop expecting ourselves to deal with this easily and instead accept the grief that comes with betrayal. To feel our feelings. And to discover that we are stronger than we thought possible.

4. Trust yourself
It can feel impossible that you will ever trust yourself again. Look how wrong you were about this guy! And yet, so many of you look back and recognize that there were signs. Not that he was cheating, necessarily, but that something was wrong. Sometimes it's just a sense of unease. Often, it's that you weren't happy. 
But we get lost, don't we? We get lost in ensuring that those around us are happy. Our own happiness, or satisfaction, or sense that we matter, takes a backseat to children, to aging parents, to bosses, to the seemingly incessant demands on women that we look like a model, cook like Julia Childs, stay fit and well-read. The truth is that nobody has it all. Nobody. Somethings always gotta give and far too often we make it ourselves. 
That has got to change and there is not better time than now. 
And it begins with paying attention to ourselves. It begins with learning how to listen to that deep voice that knows what's best for us. Glennon Doyle calls it The Knowing. We all have it. I promise you it's there even if you've spent a lifetime thinking it's not. So many of us had that deep voice silence so long ago that we fear it's silent forever. It is not. It is waiting for us to wake it back up, to start paying attention to it. How to know if we're hearing it? It will sound like compassion. It will never ask you to do anything that's contrary to your value system. 
Doyle puts it this way:
HOW TO KNOW:
Moment of uncertainty arises
Breathe, turn inward, sink.
Feel around for the Knowing.
Do the next thing it nudges you toward.
Let is stand. (Don’t explain.)
Repeat forever.
(For the rest of your life: Continue to shorten the gap between the Knowing and the doing.)

You are so worth fighting for, my secret sisters. Your life is worth saving. No matter what pain you're in right now, it will pass. You will rise from this.