Oh My - How this hits home so hard. After 17 years of marriage, D-Day 1 was February 13, 2019...we've had two more...or where the truth was slowly spilled out - but I've been living in a haze of not really wanting to know and living in the settling for his presence instead of my own worth and sanity for over a year, until it all came full crisis in July and I broke in the worst way. Since July 8th, waking up in a hospital - I have started over again...born anew...and putting in my boundaries...FINALLY. Doors must be closed, all forms of communication stopped...and RADICAL honesty must happen...MY heartbreak, My rules. The details are tough...but they cleanse the air of distrust. The pain of knowing is often better than the pain of wonder and the decisions I make on my own.
One of the decisions I've made for the last several years was to test his love...to threaten to leave...to try to get him to chase and love me, instead of just being honest about my love and fear.
My work in this is to be my whole and true self as well. I LOVE him - with all my heart. Because I know I am worth having again...I can say it. I lied to myself that he had to show me I was worth it, and in that created a vicious cycle of pain for both of us. Our last chance is based on total truth at this point. No more I'm okay and going to live with this because I want you...instead...I LOVE YOU - and if you can't receive it, hold it precious and return it with honesty and reciprocity - we cannot exist as an US. The boundaries are there, the counseling is in full effect for him, us...me.
He is saying all the right things, but I know at my core that this post is the TRUTH! I will never trust him again - but it doesn't matter because I trust myself. Sitting here in tears of peace and joy that someone else can speak my truth in such clarity. I am OK. I am Enough. I am Worthy. I am also a MESS..and so is He. He is a cheater. He broke me. He is trying to redeem. WE are a work in progress and will be forever...but then again...maybe we should have been all along.
What I love most about your post is that you've discovered what I hope every woman discovers in the wake of infidelity: Their own value. It's something far too many of us lose sight of as we figure out life as a wife and, often, as a mom. We keep the peace. We swallow our anger and frustration. We ignore our wants. You are reclaiming your life and making it clear that he's welcome in your life -- indeed desired in your life -- but that you will not tolerate disrespect or dishonesty. You're showing so many of us how to respond to this hell with honesty and integrity.
I'm so glad you found us too! Sadly, I think there are likely many people in your world who understand your feelings, you just don't know it. I've often thought we need some sort of signal, or symbol so that we're recognizable to each other -- "you too?" Statistically, there are many of us. But here, we don't need to hide behind a smile. Here, we can share our feelings, our fears, our triumphs. You are among friends.
Unfortunately that is not true...I'm being told "I wasn't smart enough when meeting people, this is why I had infidelity" and the stupid "growth" plan from others. If someone connected to my feelings, they couldn't even utter these words...I didn't even have friends to support my healing journey, all I got was blaming, saying all the time: we, who got cheated, victimized ourselves!
Oh My - How this hits home so hard. After 17 years of marriage, D-Day 1 was February 13, 2019...we've had two more...or where the truth was slowly spilled out - but I've been living in a haze of not really wanting to know and living in the settling for his presence instead of my own worth and sanity for over a year, until it all came full crisis in July and I broke in the worst way. Since July 8th, waking up in a hospital - I have started over again...born anew...and putting in my boundaries...FINALLY. Doors must be closed, all forms of communication stopped...and RADICAL honesty must happen...MY heartbreak, My rules. The details are tough...but they cleanse the air of distrust. The pain of knowing is often better than the pain of wonder and the decisions I make on my own.
ReplyDeleteOne of the decisions I've made for the last several years was to test his love...to threaten to leave...to try to get him to chase and love me, instead of just being honest about my love and fear.
My work in this is to be my whole and true self as well. I LOVE him - with all my heart. Because I know I am worth having again...I can say it. I lied to myself that he had to show me I was worth it, and in that created a vicious cycle of pain for both of us. Our last chance is based on total truth at this point. No more I'm okay and going to live with this because I want you...instead...I LOVE YOU - and if you can't receive it, hold it precious and return it with honesty and reciprocity - we cannot exist as an US. The boundaries are there, the counseling is in full effect for him, us...me.
He is saying all the right things, but I know at my core that this post is the TRUTH! I will never trust him again - but it doesn't matter because I trust myself. Sitting here in tears of peace and joy that someone else can speak my truth in such clarity. I am OK. I am Enough. I am Worthy. I am also a MESS..and so is He. He is a cheater. He broke me. He is trying to redeem. WE are a work in progress and will be forever...but then again...maybe we should have been all along.
What I love most about your post is that you've discovered what I hope every woman discovers in the wake of infidelity: Their own value. It's something far too many of us lose sight of as we figure out life as a wife and, often, as a mom. We keep the peace. We swallow our anger and frustration. We ignore our wants. You are reclaiming your life and making it clear that he's welcome in your life -- indeed desired in your life -- but that you will not tolerate disrespect or dishonesty. You're showing so many of us how to respond to this hell with honesty and integrity.
DeleteSo happy to find this blog, finally there is someone out there who understands all my feelings! Nobody did!
ReplyDeleteI'm so glad you found us too! Sadly, I think there are likely many people in your world who understand your feelings, you just don't know it. I've often thought we need some sort of signal, or symbol so that we're recognizable to each other -- "you too?" Statistically, there are many of us.
DeleteBut here, we don't need to hide behind a smile. Here, we can share our feelings, our fears, our triumphs. You are among friends.
Unfortunately that is not true...I'm being told "I wasn't smart enough when meeting people, this is why I had infidelity" and the stupid "growth" plan from others. If someone connected to my feelings, they couldn't even utter these words...I didn't even have friends to support my healing journey, all I got was blaming, saying all the time: we, who got cheated, victimized ourselves!
ReplyDelete