Hey friends, it's been a long while. I still read from time to time even though I don't comment or post. For the most part, I feel like what happened with y ex and I is so long ago, it bares little relevance (in a good way) to my life right now. I've also felt a weird hesitation to post, because my life challenges as a single person, just seem less relevant to folks in the immediate storm post d-day. As I find myself in another rough patch, I know the things I learned here at the BWC will see me through. I was diagnosed with early stage breast cancer earlier this summer. Have already had a lumpectomy, my lymph nodes were clear. Did not need chemo and am almost done with radiation treatments. I am officially in remission and plan on staying that way. I have been so fortunate all along the way. So ladies, don't put off that mammogram or any other diagnostic that is due. Here at the tail end of the intense action and preventative treatment, I find myself feeling just tired, and sometimes angry and sometimes resentful. I think because just like when I was dealing with my husband's infidelity and then the divorce, people eventually slow down in their support. You look OK, seem to be fine and you start to feel like maybe you are asking for "too much" . And I think that is why I might be feeling angry today. I'm feeling unsupported. And part of that may be because I am pushing myself too hard. Or not prioritizing my own care. But I also believe that it can be of to feel unsupported by other people, when you've made it clear that you need support. I know all I can do is put it out there and people can choose to step up or not. But a specific thing has happened and I am taking it personally. (cont'd in next post)
I belong to a women's group. There is a virtual retreat this weekend. it is 5 hours on Sat and 6.5 hrs on Sunday. Y'all I am already not down for that kind of time commitment and sitting on Zoom all day long. But I decided to go because I made a certain level of commitment to the other women in the group. (even wen we have our monthly session and it is two hours, I am dead tired after that.) So then I have this schedule conflict. My son has his SATs on Saturday. Picking him up may make me late to the start. My ex will be away for his bday so he can't pick him up. My son already checked with a friend but that friend is going to a different location. It just gets more complicated after that for reasons I wont delve into. So I asked the retreat people if I could arrive late and text when I am ready to join to make sure it was at a good time, like a pause between sessions. I didn't want to be disruptive etc. and they basically came back with a no and a long explanation about creating the container and its energy from the beginning, especially with new people coming in. And then an admonition about choosing myself. And y'all I got so angry. Like tingles on my skin angry. It feels like a big FU to me. I know I am taking it personally and that they are allowed to say no. It also feels like they are prioritizing the new people who have not been in the group and committed to the work since Jan. over me who has. And the choose myself thing really pisses me off. I actually want to pick up my son. That is important to me and my commitment there predates the retreat. I committed to the retreat because I had made a commitment to show up and support the other women in it, not because I wanted to or was excited to be there on zoom for 5 plus hours. I am feeling angry right now and am wrestling with the possibility that choosing myself is not going to this retreat and instead, resting and doing what I want this weekend. And I feel like the small community I had with these women is suddenly rendered false and I am outside of it and I am not sure what happened. That's probably why I found my way back here today. I've been supremely uncomfortable in a lot of places and many of my coping strategies have not been available to me (running and epic workouts have kinda been off the table). I also have given myself permission to be off balance. Finally, thanks to Elle and everyone here who make this a safe place to land. So much to catch up on. I'll try and do a life update over on the Sep/Divorce tab in the next few days. xoxo SS1
SS1 I too echo Beach girl. So glad you got onto this early. Sending you love and health xx I can’t believe this women’s “support” group denied you coming in a little later! FFS! Where’s the support in understanding of others? Glad you’re reaching out here Ss1. I too read often but feel because I’m divorced I don’t have much relevance here. I just feel like I know so many women here and I truly just want to know everyone is going ok. It’s a place I gained a lot of comfort in a time in my life I was so broken, so coming here is a bit like coming back to that comfortable safe place. Hugs Gabby xo
Gabby!!! so pleased to hear from you. Hope you are doing well. I know what you mean about feeling like we have less relevance but I suspect its not true. There were a bunch of us going through it at one point, kind of at the same time. Coming back here is a bit like a class reunion but better because it is a safe comfortable place. I still need to get over to the other tab and do a post. Been working my butt off lately. So happy to see your note Gabby. xoxo
SS1- I don’t even belong to a woman’s group and here I am steaming angry on your behalf! Honestly, what is wrong with people? In this crazy era we are all just doing the best we can day by day, and people should know to support one another and just let the hard and fast rules slide. Especially women. Try to find a way to remember that this too shall pass, and that great moms pick up their kids from the SATs. And be well. Thinking of you.
Hello SS1! Missed you. So glad you caught that cancer early. As for that women's group. Well I feel a little pissed off too. I've learned to look at things from a different angle at times. So, you chose yourself by picking up your son and they didn't respect you for choosing yourself. Fuck em. Big hug. We are all doing the best we can. We haven't seen our kids since Christmas and I have no idea when we will see them again. The grands are getting bigger and we do our best to keep in touch but I turn 70 next year and the sands in the hour glass just slip away. Glad you choose your son because that is choosing you right now in this very space in time.
Hi Loner and Beach Girl, and thank you. The magic of this place is that I always feel welcome, seen and heard. Thank you. The retreat situation resolved itself. I responded and let them know I was going to opt out of the retreat because I recognized that some of my anger and resentment was about not listening to and trusting my original "no" gut response. Choosing me in this case was giving myself the stress free ability to pick up my son and to have two days of rest rather than two days of deep emotional work. Thanks for your support and for the space here to work that through. The ladies were very accepting of this response and after the event yesterday let me know that they held me there in spirit with the intent of supporting the rest and recovery I need right now. That felt really nice and helps me feel like I can return to the group without defenses up. I forget sometimes, that even though things feel normal (i.e. I'm just kinda used to them now) they are not even a little bit normal. And as a result, I and others may be reacting from unknown and difficult places. Living through a pandemic is hard. Being a single mom is hard. Trying to run a business is hard. Being away from people we love is hard. All of this is hard. I'm glad I chose my son too. Because it doesn't mean I was not choosing myself. Those things don't always equate. xoxo
So I know this doesn't fit the topic, but I come to this site when I need support. I had some hope maybe things were better between us. We have done some counseling. D day was 4 years ago, but if I am reàlly honest I think there have been multiple small betrayals over the years. I don't know why I am so afraid to admit seeing the pattern. Tonight we tried a marriage counseling session because I was triggered by something that happened in June. We lived a fun and peaceful summer to enjoy the last few weeks of our youngest before she left for college. The session started okay, but half in my husband started talking about how I have been a bully in the marriage since our oldest was a baby. I guess he was never happy with me. Feels like the ultimate betrayal to have your whole idea of who you are in the marriage taken away. I have never seen myself as a bully. I have had to be strong through the years for many reasons. My son thinks I am a doormat. 54 and questioning so much about myself. I had the choice of just keeping the peace with feeling all that was hidden from me. I entered the session hoping for some growth and ended it learning the biggest truth. His lack of happiness with me. Not that it excuses his behavior but a really tough truth.
Hey friends, it's been a long while. I still read from time to time even though I don't comment or post. For the most part, I feel like what happened with y ex and I is so long ago, it bares little relevance (in a good way) to my life right now. I've also felt a weird hesitation to post, because my life challenges as a single person, just seem less relevant to folks in the immediate storm post d-day.
ReplyDeleteAs I find myself in another rough patch, I know the things I learned here at the BWC will see me through. I was diagnosed with early stage breast cancer earlier this summer. Have already had a lumpectomy, my lymph nodes were clear. Did not need chemo and am almost done with radiation treatments. I am officially in remission and plan on staying that way. I have been so fortunate all along the way. So ladies, don't put off that mammogram or any other diagnostic that is due.
Here at the tail end of the intense action and preventative treatment, I find myself feeling just tired, and sometimes angry and sometimes resentful. I think because just like when I was dealing with my husband's infidelity and then the divorce, people eventually slow down in their support. You look OK, seem to be fine and you start to feel like maybe you are asking for "too much" . And I think that is why I might be feeling angry today. I'm feeling unsupported. And part of that may be because I am pushing myself too hard. Or not prioritizing my own care. But I also believe that it can be of to feel unsupported by other people, when you've made it clear that you need support. I know all I can do is put it out there and people can choose to step up or not. But a specific thing has happened and I am taking it personally.
(cont'd in next post)
I belong to a women's group. There is a virtual retreat this weekend. it is 5 hours on Sat and 6.5 hrs on Sunday. Y'all I am already not down for that kind of time commitment and sitting on Zoom all day long. But I decided to go because I made a certain level of commitment to the other women in the group. (even wen we have our monthly session and it is two hours, I am dead tired after that.) So then I have this schedule conflict. My son has his SATs on Saturday. Picking him up may make me late to the start. My ex will be away for his bday so he can't pick him up. My son already checked with a friend but that friend is going to a different location. It just gets more complicated after that for reasons I wont delve into. So I asked the retreat people if I could arrive late and text when I am ready to join to make sure it was at a good time, like a pause between sessions. I didn't want to be disruptive etc. and they basically came back with a no and a long explanation about creating the container and its energy from the beginning, especially with new people coming in. And then an admonition about choosing myself. And y'all I got so angry. Like tingles on my skin angry. It feels like a big FU to me. I know I am taking it personally and that they are allowed to say no. It also feels like they are prioritizing the new people who have not been in the group and committed to the work since Jan. over me who has. And the choose myself thing really pisses me off. I actually want to pick up my son. That is important to me and my commitment there predates the retreat. I committed to the retreat because I had made a commitment to show up and support the other women in it, not because I wanted to or was excited to be there on zoom for 5 plus hours. I am feeling angry right now and am wrestling with the possibility that choosing myself is not going to this retreat and instead, resting and doing what I want this weekend. And I feel like the small community I had with these women is suddenly rendered false and I am outside of it and I am not sure what happened. That's probably why I found my way back here today.
ReplyDeleteI've been supremely uncomfortable in a lot of places and many of my coping strategies have not been available to me (running and epic workouts have kinda been off the table). I also have given myself permission to be off balance.
Finally, thanks to Elle and everyone here who make this a safe place to land. So much to catch up on. I'll try and do a life update over on the Sep/Divorce tab in the next few days. xoxo SS1
SS1
DeleteI too echo Beach girl. So glad you got onto this early. Sending you love and health xx
I can’t believe this women’s “support” group denied you coming in a little later! FFS! Where’s the support in understanding of others?
Glad you’re reaching out here Ss1. I too read often but feel because I’m divorced I don’t have much relevance here. I just feel like I know so many women here and I truly just want to know everyone is going ok.
It’s a place I gained a lot of comfort in a time in my life I was so broken, so coming here is a bit like coming back to that comfortable safe place.
Hugs
Gabby xo
Gabby!!! so pleased to hear from you. Hope you are doing well. I know what you mean about feeling like we have less relevance but I suspect its not true. There were a bunch of us going through it at one point, kind of at the same time. Coming back here is a bit like a class reunion but better because it is a safe comfortable place. I still need to get over to the other tab and do a post. Been working my butt off lately. So happy to see your note Gabby. xoxo
DeleteSS1- I don’t even belong to a woman’s group and here I am steaming angry on your behalf! Honestly, what is wrong with people? In this crazy era we are all just doing the best we can day by day, and people should know to support one another and just let the hard and fast rules slide. Especially women. Try to find a way to remember that this too shall pass, and that great moms pick up their kids from the SATs. And be well. Thinking of you.
ReplyDeleteHello SS1! Missed you. So glad you caught that cancer early. As for that women's group. Well I feel a little pissed off too. I've learned to look at things from a different angle at times. So, you chose yourself by picking up your son and they didn't respect you for choosing yourself. Fuck em. Big hug. We are all doing the best we can. We haven't seen our kids since Christmas and I have no idea when we will see them again. The grands are getting bigger and we do our best to keep in touch but I turn 70 next year and the sands in the hour glass just slip away. Glad you choose your son because that is choosing you right now in this very space in time.
ReplyDeleteHi Loner and Beach Girl, and thank you. The magic of this place is that I always feel welcome, seen and heard. Thank you. The retreat situation resolved itself. I responded and let them know I was going to opt out of the retreat because I recognized that some of my anger and resentment was about not listening to and trusting my original "no" gut response. Choosing me in this case was giving myself the stress free ability to pick up my son and to have two days of rest rather than two days of deep emotional work. Thanks for your support and for the space here to work that through. The ladies were very accepting of this response and after the event yesterday let me know that they held me there in spirit with the intent of supporting the rest and recovery I need right now. That felt really nice and helps me feel like I can return to the group without defenses up.
ReplyDeleteI forget sometimes, that even though things feel normal (i.e. I'm just kinda used to them now) they are not even a little bit normal. And as a result, I and others may be reacting from unknown and difficult places. Living through a pandemic is hard. Being a single mom is hard. Trying to run a business is hard. Being away from people we love is hard. All of this is hard. I'm glad I chose my son too. Because it doesn't mean I was not choosing myself. Those things don't always equate. xoxo
So I know this doesn't fit the topic, but I come to this site when I need support. I had some hope maybe things were better between us. We have done some counseling. D day was 4 years ago, but if I am reàlly honest I think there have been multiple small betrayals over the years. I don't know why I am so afraid to admit seeing the pattern. Tonight we tried a marriage counseling session because I was triggered by something that happened in June. We lived a fun and peaceful summer to enjoy the last few weeks of our youngest before she left for college. The session started okay, but half in my husband started talking about how I have been a bully in the marriage since our oldest was a baby. I guess he was never happy with me. Feels like the ultimate betrayal to have your whole idea of who you are in the marriage taken away. I have never seen myself as a bully. I have had to be strong through the years for many reasons. My son thinks I am a doormat. 54 and questioning so much about myself. I had the choice of just keeping the peace with feeling all that was hidden from me. I entered the session hoping for some growth and ended it learning the biggest truth. His lack of happiness with me. Not that it excuses his behavior but a really tough truth.
ReplyDeleteAnonymous, I'm so intrigued by your experience that I'm going to answer it in today's blog post. Stay tuned.
Delete