"...when you risk sharing what hurts the most in the presence of someone who will not invade you or abandon you, you can learn not to invade or abandon yourself."
From Richard Rohr, Daily Meditation
Something powerful happens when we arrive here and discover a community of those who are describing our own specific pain. It invites us in, it pulls us close. We no longer feel alone.
It isn't magic, necessarily. It's just as Richard Rohr says. When we open ourselves to others, when that opening is welcomed without shaming or shunning, it reminds us of our inherent value, our belonging. We learn "not to invade or abandon" ourselves.
It's easier said than done. Betrayal itself is an invasion. Someone uninvited (by us!) has come into that most private relationship. Betrayal is an abandonment. Whether or not our partner has physically left us, they have shut us out emotionally. And no number of "I never planned to leave you" or "it meant nothing" or "I never stopped loving you" changes the fact that we were alone in the marriage. We just didn't know it yet.
Sadly, betrayal carries such shame in our culture. Shame in being left. Shame in being abandoned. As if we are defective. Discarded. It's why we find such comfort in "sharing what hurts the most". Because others who know our pain can give us the space to feel it while also reminding us not to invite more pain by believing those lies about our worth, by accepting the shame when it belongs to those who caused pain.
I know the stomach-churning fear that comes with writing our your pain and clicking "publish". My entire body flooded when I first posted on the Surviving Infidelity site. I felt exposed. My heart laid bare. I was sure someone would figure out who I was and my shame (that I didn't yet realize did not belong to me) would be made clear to all who knew me.
But please know that you will not be shamed here. You will not be shunned. Your pain is our pain. We know it. We felt it. By learning how to not invade or abandon ourselves, we are able to help you not invade or abandon yourselves. It is my absolute favorite thing about this little space we're created here on the giant web: That we show up for each other. That we hold each other up. The kindness. The compassion.
Thank-you to all who provide this here, now and over the many years past. Thank-you to those of you brave enough to share your stories. Thank-you to those who are still silent in the shadows, waiting. You are brave too. And we are ready when you are.
Thank you for this site. It saves lives. It saved mine by showing me a way out of my pain when I finally discovered it, years in. Nothing has been more healing!
ReplyDeleteThank you Elle! I absolutely love this page and feel so open and welcomed right from the start. Your right we are all in this together, all supporting each other your pain is our pain. Thank you to everyone who is apart of this page
ReplyDeleteThank you. It's been just over a year and there are some days I have the exact same pain as the day it happened. It's not everyday any more. I have no friends to talk to about my pain.
ReplyDeleteThat's why we're here. Please, when you're ready, share your story or your thoughts or your questions or your fears or all of the above. There is healing in telling our stories, there is healing in discovering we're not alone, that there is a community of people who know our pain and who are moving through it.
DeleteThank you, you don't imagine how much this blog helps me. I am deeply sad even when a year and a few months have passed. I hope I can find peace as many of you did.
ReplyDeleteI don't think we find peace so much as we create it. We stop doing things that get in the way of our healing. We bathe ourselves in self-compassion. We learn to set and enforce boundaries. That said, it took me long past one year (I'm a slow learner!) to even begin to feel okay. Be patient with yourself. You're healing incrementally even if you can't yet see it.
DeleteAnonymous even just coming on this page shows heaps of strength. I too am still recovering it’s been 8 months since D day, and I too find it a struggle sometimes to even look at him and picture them two together it sickens me. But I’m this 8 months I’ve also learnt a lot about myself and what I deserve and you no what I am enough, I am stronger then what I thought I would be. We have yet to commence therapy due to the covid 19 but we are communicating better and trying as a team. Hang in there, love yourself when your tired love yourself when your weak love yourself when your broken you’ve got this girl!
ReplyDeleteI forgot I had a blogger account, but I’m so happy I found this blog. I have a long way to go to reach peace......but seeing the solidarity in the women here gives me hope. So thank you!!
ReplyDeleteI am so grateful for this blog and the book that Elle wrote. I don't think I could've survived this heartbreak without knowing there are other women out there who have gone down this treacherous path as well.
ReplyDeleteD-Day for me was 4 months ago when a woman showed up at my door and introduced herself as my husband's girlfriend. This was in front of my 8 year old daughter who was home at the time.
D-Day 2 came just yesterday when the results from annual pap came back abnormal and HPV test came back positive. Since it was high risk strain of HPV a biopsy was promptly done this morning. Of course I went ahead and had full STD testing done as well. 10 years of marriage you never think you'll be subjected to the humiliation of confessing to your OB/GYN, the same woman who delivered both of your children, that this is as a result of your husband's recent infidelity. We are working through things day by day but this has truly been such a painful and humiliating setback.
Thank you to everyone who gets on here and shares their grief, pain and sometimes even victories too. It's nice to know we are not alone when your whole world has been ripped apart.
Shattered: thank you for sharing that story, I too had found out I had caught a sti from my H aswell. It makes you feel dirty and grosse and like you have done something wrong. Please don’t think it’s your fault at all, I no your pain trust me I do as I’m sure there are many others who do aswell. It did make us take a few steps back as it was a lot to deal with but we delt with it. Just wanted to weigh in that your not alone.
ReplyDeleteThe pain I feel is beyond measurable, it's so overwhelming I feel it's going to swallow me whole. I try so hard to keep my sh$t together, sometimes I do well others not so much. My husband has been everything I wished he was before this bs. And as wonderful as that is, sometimes I wonder why the f*** couldn't he do this before?
ReplyDeleteI’ve been looking for a place for support for some long.
ReplyDeleteI chose to stay with my H after his affair was disclosed, after the other women and her friends have spent the last 18mths harassing and abusing me, I never once replied which is my only proud moment through this trauma.
It’s been 18mths full of my lies and more trauma but I’m still trying to hang on the dream that my 25yr marriage is going to make it and that my H isn’t the person he has turned into.
Any support or tips on how to manage my anxiety, mange’s the overthinking, get stronger, get self worth.
Hi to all you strong, wonderful women...
ReplyDeleteI am so relieved to have found other women that can understand my pain. Not that I wish it on anyone! But I have felt so alone and empty since I found out Xmas eve 2019 that my husband of 10 years had an affair with his ex. Who contacted me to inform me about their affair because he ended it. She enjoyed sending me every message they exchanged. Lied about their affair too.
Its been 9 months of a total rollercoaster of emotions. I initially asked him to leave and wanted out of our marriage. We have 2 young sons and I do love my husband. I decided to give him a channce as he begged for forgiveness. He has answered every question of mine-many many times. And has shown remorse. He admits fault. Hes not the most open and loving man and struggles with showing affection. Hes trying but gets frustrated with my emotional needs. He was the one to admit having sex with the OW as he said he wanted it all out in the open. The OW initially denied being intimate, claimed she was decent. Admitted she has hated me for years and stalked me of facebook. I didnt even know she existed! She also admitted it was my husband that ended it. She soon changed her mind and got nasty and has told me they not only slept together but states it all started years ago. My husband admits to being in touch years ago but only admits and is adamant he only got intimate in 2019. He is deeply sorry and says he didn't search for an affair. It was more that she listened to him. And they both lost their fathers at the same time. Our marriage had issues, we didn't communicate or was as Intimate as we Should have been. I moved from my own cityeavibg family and myife to be with him after marrying, we had a premature son and he had a father with dementia. It was alot for us as a young married couple. We drifted and I take responsibility for our marital issues too. But I will never take blame for his affair. I felt alone too but I didnt choose to stray. Im now finding hes getting frustrated because its 9 months on and I'm still struggling to believe his version of events because the OW took pleasure in twisting her side to it all. Who do I believe? My husband has lied but this woman wanted my husband for years and hated on me for having the man she wanted to marry. I struggle with my over active mind and thoughts every day . Im almost hoping I will wake one day and the thoughts be gone. I want to move forward and forgive and I almost think I've pushed myself to quickly.Thank you all for simply allowing me to express the above xx
You saved my life. And my son's life. Thank youu
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