Today I’m struggling. I find myself questioning EVERYTHING to the point where I wish I could escape my thoughts for just a day. I see an attractive woman and start to think “I wonder if he thinks she’s hot, I wonder if he’s turned on by her, I wonder if he’s looking at that girl” I am beyond insecure now and I feel like it consumes my day and thoughts all the time. Will I ever find true happiness within myself? I know I am in control of my own emotions and happiness but why doesn’t it feel this way? My husband has been trying and I always find reasons to talk about the infidelity or ask questions to receive some type of validation. I just wish I could go back to the days before DDay just to feel the peace I felt in my marriage before the shit hit the fan.
A woman's World, So often it's the stories in our own head that cause the most pain. As best you can, notice when you slip down that rabbit hole. Whether or not he finds another woman attractive isn't the issue. It's that you find that threatening (and understandably so). It is really hard. But you do have the control over your own thoughts. Put an elastic band on your wrist and when you start telling yourself those stories, give it a good snap. Or picture a huge red stop sign and remind yourself that this is your imagination, not reality. Call a friend. DAnce to a song. Try and root yourself in the now, now the past, not the future.
Today is hard for me as well. It's been three months since DDay, we have been going to therapy and last week he told me he thinks it's best for him to move out so he can work on himself. He left last night. He still wants to go to therapy but says he has gotten to a point were I annoy him and he wants to appreciate me again. I just feel so torn. I want to make things work but then how long does he need? Am I expected to put my life on hold indefinitely? He says we will take this 2 weeks at a time and reevaluate if he is ready to come home. The kicker of all this, the OW closed on a house she planned to move my husband and my son into. I am trying not to think of that because he has promised that he is not going there, is not going to contact her and he is planning on staying at his parents or his friends. He stayed in a hotel last night. I just feel like it is getting worse not better.
Anonymous, I can feel the hurt, pain and fear in your post and I am so sorry for what you are going through. Your husband taking time to work on himself is a good thing, but if he is simply trying to avoid his own discomfort in seeing you experience the pain of his choices, then that is not so good. If you haven't already, I would insist that he also see an individual therapist during this time (and maybe indefinitely) to help him figure out the reasons why he betrayed you, his family and, likely, himself.
There is no expectation that you put YOUR life on hold during this time. I'm thinking you mean that you feel expected to wait and see what HE wants in order to move forward. Try and use this time to focus on you. The stronger you are (and you ARE STRONG!), the better equipped you will be to remain true to yourself in the chaos that is post-infidelity life. See your own individual therapist, read, exercise, meditate, talk to friends. Do whatever you need to do to start feeling good about yourself as an individual. At 3 months from D-Day I was a complete hot mess, so I know it's hard to believe, but you will feel better and stronger as time passes, and as you seek your own clarity. The work you do on YOU will go a long way to empower you, especially when we are faced with the enormous feelings of powerlessness after betrayal. Take care.
Anonymous, I'm so sorry for the pain you're in. But...he finds YOU annoying? You're a saint for not running over him in your car! I think Calluna has given you really good advice. Get yourself an individual therapist and focus on your healing. Three months is so raw. And he needs to realize that he's done a LOT of damage that needs repairing but that's HIS job. Yours is to focus on you and getting yourself back on solid ground, which includes setting clear boundaries about what is and is not okay with you.
You need to quit worrying about whether he finds another woman attractive and instead find yourself attractive! Own the goddess prize you are. I am no model, but I am a catch. Believe in yourself.
I feel the same way. Every time I see him turn his head toward a woman, I wonder if that is what he likes. Maybe if I dressed like that or wear my hair like hers...then maybe none of this would have happened. Today was hard for me. I find that I want to just cry and hide, but with the kids home, I have to wait for them to go to sleep. The holidays are going to be so hard. Due to the pandemic, we are not able to have our usual family gathering, so it is just us. I have to make believe all is well when I just want to scream and throw the turkey at him! I am still waiting for the whole truth to come out. He says I know everything, but I find out new things every day. I just wish he would tell me so I can begin healing...like ripping off a band aid! But then I wonder, can I take the pain?
Yes, you can take the pain but I'm so sorry you have to. As best you can, reclaim the holidays. What can you do, maybe with your kids, that can help you remember that you are incredible and loved by them? And build in some time for you to rest too. As for what he finds attractive, what these women bring to the table is rarely what we think they bring. They bring a broken moral compass and a willingness to accept scraps. They are little more than props. As my husband's brilliant therapist said to me, "what these women have is nothing you want."
Elle what is so striking about the image you chose it that it is both an expression of the strength it takes to push through these incredibly challenging conditions, to me it also captures the loneliness I feel as I make my way through this harrowing process. And the heaviness of feeling like I’m this fragile version of who I once was and yet need to harness all of my remaining strength and resolve now more than ever to push through the heaviness and darkness that has been foisted upon me. And like A Woman’s World, today I find myself struggling. And I am also wanting to talk almost daily to him about various aspects of his infidelity and shadow life. So many of his choices are just incomprehensible to me. Sometimes I forget that I’ve already asked him the same things before (sometimes many times before). And/or I’ve forgotten the answers. I want to run away from the pain and all of the reminders of the many ways in which he harmed me over the course of the last 9 years, but I also want to try to understand what happened. He asks me if I am trying to torture him with my constant questions and nightly wonderings aloud if I should just leave or if he should just start over so at least one of us might be happy. And yet... I want to stay. I want the husband he promised he would be. I want my family intact. I want to be happy again. But I sometimes feel so helpless and overwhelmed by all of the trauma of his shadow life. He has changed and continues to change who he is. So I wonder is it just that I can’t get out of my own way and embrace the changed man he is? Or is it unreasonable to think that I would be further along in my healing 7 months post d-day while living in a foreign country under the conditions of a global pandemic? I want to go back to being a strong vibrantly colored plant in a field of wildflowers being kissed by the sun, not the green sprig forcing its way through gray cement. Is it everything I already know + a matter of time? Seeking some BWC wisdom on this endless Tuesday. Mimi
Mimi, It takes YEARS to feel past this. I wish that wasn't true but it is. But here's the thing: You are that wildflower. A bit droopy today, perhaps. But still strong and beautiful and resilient. Don't ever forget that. As for talking about it, we all need that. We are processing something that's baffling to us. I'm attaching a post I wrote that might help you be less hard on yourself. I wrote it for the men but also for you, too, for the women who think they should be over it: https://betrayedwivesclub.blogspot.com/2014/04/my-letter-to-husbands-just-talk-about.html
Today I’m struggling. I find myself questioning EVERYTHING to the point where I wish I could escape my thoughts for just a day. I see an attractive woman and start to think “I wonder if he thinks she’s hot, I wonder if he’s turned on by her, I wonder if he’s looking at that girl” I am beyond insecure now and I feel like it consumes my day and thoughts all the time. Will I ever find true happiness within myself? I know I am in control of my own emotions and happiness but why doesn’t it feel this way? My husband has been trying and I always find reasons to talk about the infidelity or ask questions to receive some type of validation. I just wish I could go back to the days before DDay just to feel the peace I felt in my marriage before the shit hit the fan.
ReplyDeleteA woman's World, So often it's the stories in our own head that cause the most pain. As best you can, notice when you slip down that rabbit hole. Whether or not he finds another woman attractive isn't the issue. It's that you find that threatening (and understandably so). It is really hard. But you do have the control over your own thoughts. Put an elastic band on your wrist and when you start telling yourself those stories, give it a good snap. Or picture a huge red stop sign and remind yourself that this is your imagination, not reality. Call a friend. DAnce to a song. Try and root yourself in the now, now the past, not the future.
DeleteToday is hard for me as well. It's been three months since DDay, we have been going to therapy and last week he told me he thinks it's best for him to move out so he can work on himself. He left last night. He still wants to go to therapy but says he has gotten to a point were I annoy him and he wants to appreciate me again. I just feel so torn. I want to make things work but then how long does he need? Am I expected to put my life on hold indefinitely? He says we will take this 2 weeks at a time and reevaluate if he is ready to come home. The kicker of all this, the OW closed on a house she planned to move my husband and my son into. I am trying not to think of that because he has promised that he is not going there, is not going to contact her and he is planning on staying at his parents or his friends. He stayed in a hotel last night. I just feel like it is getting worse not better.
ReplyDeleteAnonymous,
DeleteI can feel the hurt, pain and fear in your post and I am so sorry for what you are going through. Your husband taking time to work on himself is a good thing, but if he is simply trying to avoid his own discomfort in seeing you experience the pain of his choices, then that is not so good. If you haven't already, I would insist that he also see an individual therapist during this time (and maybe indefinitely) to help him figure out the reasons why he betrayed you, his family and, likely, himself.
There is no expectation that you put YOUR life on hold during this time. I'm thinking you mean that you feel expected to wait and see what HE wants in order to move forward. Try and use this time to focus on you. The stronger you are (and you ARE STRONG!), the better equipped you will be to remain true to yourself in the chaos that is post-infidelity life. See your own individual therapist, read, exercise, meditate, talk to friends. Do whatever you need to do to start feeling good about yourself as an individual. At 3 months from D-Day I was a complete hot mess, so I know it's hard to believe, but you will feel better and stronger as time passes, and as you seek your own clarity. The work you do on YOU will go a long way to empower you, especially when we are faced with the enormous feelings of powerlessness after betrayal. Take care.
Anonymous,
DeleteI'm so sorry for the pain you're in. But...he finds YOU annoying? You're a saint for not running over him in your car! I think Calluna has given you really good advice. Get yourself an individual therapist and focus on your healing. Three months is so raw. And he needs to realize that he's done a LOT of damage that needs repairing but that's HIS job. Yours is to focus on you and getting yourself back on solid ground, which includes setting clear boundaries about what is and is not okay with you.
You need to quit worrying about whether he finds another woman attractive and instead find yourself attractive! Own the goddess prize you are. I am no model, but I am a catch. Believe in yourself.
ReplyDeleteI feel the same way. Every time I see him turn his head toward a woman, I wonder if that is what he likes. Maybe if I dressed like that or wear my hair like hers...then maybe none of this would have happened. Today was hard for me. I find that I want to just cry and hide, but with the kids home, I have to wait for them to go to sleep. The holidays are going to be so hard. Due to the pandemic, we are not able to have our usual family gathering, so it is just us. I have to make believe all is well when I just want to scream and throw the turkey at him! I am still waiting for the whole truth to come out. He says I know everything, but I find out new things every day. I just wish he would tell me so I can begin healing...like ripping off a band aid! But then I wonder, can I take the pain?
ReplyDeleteYes, you can take the pain but I'm so sorry you have to.
DeleteAs best you can, reclaim the holidays. What can you do, maybe with your kids, that can help you remember that you are incredible and loved by them? And build in some time for you to rest too.
As for what he finds attractive, what these women bring to the table is rarely what we think they bring. They bring a broken moral compass and a willingness to accept scraps. They are little more than props. As my husband's brilliant therapist said to me, "what these women have is nothing you want."
Elle what is so striking about the image you chose it that it is both an expression of the strength it takes to push through these incredibly challenging conditions, to me it also captures the loneliness I feel as I make my way through this harrowing process. And the heaviness of feeling like I’m this fragile version of who I once was and yet need to harness all of my remaining strength and resolve now more than ever to push through the heaviness and darkness that has been foisted upon me. And like A Woman’s World, today I find myself struggling. And I am also wanting to talk almost daily to him about various aspects of his infidelity and shadow life. So many of his choices are just incomprehensible to me. Sometimes I forget that I’ve already asked him the same things before (sometimes many times before). And/or I’ve forgotten the answers. I want to run away from the pain and all of the reminders of the many ways in which he harmed me over the course of the last 9 years, but I also want to try to understand what happened. He asks me if I am trying to torture him with my constant questions and nightly wonderings aloud if I should just leave or if he should just start over so at least one of us might be happy. And yet... I want to stay. I want the husband he promised he would be. I want my family intact. I want to be happy again. But I sometimes feel so helpless and overwhelmed by all of the trauma of his shadow life. He has changed and continues to change who he is. So I wonder is it just that I can’t get out of my own way and embrace the changed man he is? Or is it unreasonable to think that I would be further along in my healing 7 months post d-day while living in a foreign country under the conditions of a global pandemic? I want to go back to being a strong vibrantly colored plant in a field of wildflowers being kissed by the sun, not the green sprig forcing its way through gray cement. Is it everything I already know + a matter of time? Seeking some BWC wisdom on this endless Tuesday. Mimi
ReplyDeleteMimi,
DeleteIt takes YEARS to feel past this. I wish that wasn't true but it is.
But here's the thing: You are that wildflower. A bit droopy today, perhaps. But still strong and beautiful and resilient. Don't ever forget that.
As for talking about it, we all need that. We are processing something that's baffling to us. I'm attaching a post I wrote that might help you be less hard on yourself. I wrote it for the men but also for you, too, for the women who think they should be over it: https://betrayedwivesclub.blogspot.com/2014/04/my-letter-to-husbands-just-talk-about.html