Working in conflict mediation I learned that time passes differently for different people. Someone who has perpetuated a trauma might think the trauma was way in the past, because it was a year ago, a decade ago, half a lifetime ago. Someone who has lived with the impact of that trauma may not see this as “past.” For them, the past might be now, and now, and now, and now. Unaddressed trauma is not packaged away, and is often occurring again and again.
~Pádraig Ó Tuama, from On Being's The Pause
Someone recently described these pandemic days as "an endless Tuesday". We were lamenting the sameness of our days. I see the same four family members every day. I see one friend who's my running partner. I see the occasional grocery store clerk. But a Saturday is pretty much like a Wednesday. Or an endless Tuesday. I have little sense of whether I sent that e-mail a week ago or a month ago. Or two months ago. Time is an untrusty elastic band.
It reminds me, a lot, of what it was like in the days following D-Day. Everything suddenly different. An expectation that I would just adjust. That I would pretend that nothing had changed while everything had.
And this weird sense of time. Had he told me a week ago? Or six weeks ago? How was that possible? What had I done in those intervening days? How could I not remember?
Personal or collective, it's much the same. A sense of foreboding. An endless now. No matter that, in the case of betrayal, that traumatic event, to him, is over. To us, it's now. It's happening now. And now. And now.
"When will you get over this?" he asks, genuinely aghast that we're still devastated a week, a month, a year later. We wish we knew. We don't understand it either. It happened...when exactly? Now. It's happening now.
Trauma is notoriously difficult to treat because the traumatic event has been filed in our brains differently than a non-traumatic memory. It has been filed in the eternal now. Hence the hyper-vigilance, the thudding heart, the shallow breath. Oh no, oh no, oh no, oh no....
Pádraig Ó Tuama calls it "in the waiting" and reminds us that in the waiting, we don't need to be alone. The incredible women of Betrayed Wives Club are here. Professional support is available (which I strongly recommend -- particularly EMDR, which specifically deals with trauma). Books and podcasts are available. In fact, I'm in the process of compiling a list of resources to include on this site so please chime in with whatever has helped you.
But right now, in this endless Tuesday of trauma, call it what it is. Betrayal is trauma. And trust that you can move past this with courage and support and enormous self-compassion.
As Pádraig Ó Tuama puts it, "A new future will only be built on courageous moments, and those are happening now, and now and now."
Thank you for continuing to post on this site. I try not to go on it too much but find myself gravitating toward it no matter what. It brings me comfort knowing there are others out there but not comfort that we are suffering together because of our spouses horrible choices. It will be one year of discovery on December 3rd. While it is extremely painful because of the extent of his long term affair and how I was living in the darkness, I have to say I am glad I am awake. We both say we are not awake because of the affair but because we are both working hard on ourselves and us as a couple. It's not easy...it feels like yesterday. Your concept of time is spot on. For him he thinks he has been a better person for almost a year now. For me I tend to stray to the negative (working on this) and say "it hasn't even been a year since his cock has been inside someeone else." I wish I could be more mature about it. The therapists all say "look, he wants to have mature love with you, he wants to spend his life with you and the children." Um, I thought we had already signed up for that? I struggle with "he got to be immature for two years, when do I get to be immature?!" I don't know what each day will bring but I am trying hard to lean into this pain. I don't know why I was ok with getting lost in the children and not paying attention to him anymore. I honestly didn't. I didn't like the egotistical, asshole he had become and I guess we were both hoping things would get better on their own. What he chose was destroying us even more. So, I try not to obsess over her as much (SO hard on many days) because I know she's not worth it but it's hard not to compare, I try to accept that my husband was so insecure and didn't know how to speak with me and I try to be a better person to come to as a safe space. I can't believe the baggage we bring into relationships at such young ages. I try not to think how I'm almost at 50 and wonder who am I? What do I want? What do I need? I've been trying to fit into other people's worlds for so long. I've read probably 40 self help books, I go to individual and couples therapy. Money that could be going towards our children's education or retirement but it's worth every penny on trying to figure things out. At least it is no longer going to HER. I'm on meds and trying out DBT strategies now. I should look into EMDR. Any suggestions on how to live in the present and not spiral into the past are most welcome. It is getting cold outside and I think "wow, the cold didn't stop him from going to see her." Trivial but anything can trigger me. 2020 has been a crazy year and I admit my faults and self deprecation. I hope 2021 brings me ways to channel my anger for good to make me stronger. I don't want our family to break up and neither does he. Maybe he should have thought things through before he made conscious choices to live a double life. Well, we are both still here. Thank you, Elle for continuing to be a light in the darkness. Thank you to all these amazing ladies who give me hope that with or without him, I will survive. It's the marriage I've always wanted now, it just came at a horrible cost but maybe that's just the way life works. Yes, I hope SHE still gets Covid...I get to be immature in some way. Happy Holidays. Pray for me on Dec. 3...I'll be thinking of all you strong warriors.
ReplyDeleteElle this is so, so spot on. My now feels like some endless now stretching back and forth in time and never quite setting down stakes in the here and now. It’s the now that includes his private previously hidden life that he has processed and lived with for almost a decade. For me it is part of my now. I am experiencing all of the impact now, as if it were happening now. But then also it’s like this unrelenting whiplash sometimes too. I find myself blissfully lost in the temporal now and then BAM!!! the shadow now creeps back in like an unwelcome horrible forgotten nightmare and my now becomes flooded with overwhelming pain and horror, leaving me in a state of shock. I drift in and out of now. The blissful now with all of the good and amazing things and people and that shadow now with all of its trauma and carnage. The shadow now leaves me ripped apart and unmoored. The endlessly fluid now of betrayal trauma. In the now of being a happy laughing mother who is suddenly knocked over when the shadow now creeps back in without warning and crashes over me with waves of fury that leave me crumpled up and helplessly sobbing (again). And slowly I am finding ways to grasp onto the now: the LEGO characters strewn about in repose after an epic battle do not lie. They are in he now. And so I wipe away the tears and get back up because I too want to be in the now. So for me - for now - I am trying to live in the now. Both the now that is temporally present and the now that sneaks in to cast its dark and forbidding shadows. Riffing on your earlier post, Elle, the one true thing I do know right now is that I am ok for now. And that - for me anyway - hope has not yet run its course. Sending thanks to the BWC community for all of the continued wisdom-sharing and support. Anonymous, I will be thinking about you and sending you good wishes on December 3. Mimi
DeleteWhen I read your reply to Elle's post...I said to myself. Did I write this? It is so very strange how similar our stories are, except my D Day is December 17th. My heart is still so broken and I wonder if I will ever be able to move forward. In the past year (with all the craziness with the virus) we have sold our home (he was there with her often), moved away from our area and we are building a new house in another town. My husband bought me new wedding rings and recommitted to me in front of our adult children. (He never thought about how this would effect them- I think repairing those relationships maybe more difficult than the repair between the two of us) I feel like I am on a roller coaster. Sometimes I look at him and think "I love you so very much- we can get through this and come out stronger in the end" and the next minute I think "I hate you down to the core- you don't deserve me". A couple of days ago it hit me... that is who I now am- a woman that her husband cheated on. Regardless of whether I stay with him or not- that is who I am. So much like you I think about all the money spent on therapy sessions this year and all the vindicate, yes-immature, thoughts I have had toward the OW. At least I can say I don't have to live with the guilt my husband has to live with each day. My hope for me and for all of us that has experienced this horrible tragedy is that each day is a bit more bearable. I can definitely say that after one year I am doing so much better than Dec 17, 2019. We will all be strong for each other in the coming weeks!
DeleteMy best to all of you who come here looking for light in the darkness. What strikes me is that you are the ones creating that light in your own lives, you are the ones using your pain to reach out to others.
DeleteMy D-Day is coming up too (Dec. 10) and I can honestly say it might just slip by without me giving it any thought. It is so far in the rear-view mirror.
I've been "here" for almost three years now. Here is the first place I stumbled for help in the early days of the horror when there was no sleep to be found. The Betrayed Wives Club IS the #1 resource I would recommend. I never participated much in the comments, but opening the emails with the posts always breathed a little validation and hope into my weary spirit. I would also suggest people try Trauma Sensitive Yoga and this is coming from someone who never did yoga--not even for a week in middle school P.E. Support groups have a bigger reach now--thanks to covid many have began Zoom meetings which is amazing. Not sure what kind of specific group could work for you, but my ESTRANGED (I have come to love that word) spouse is deep in sexual addiction so his infidelities were of the craigslist hook-up and "massage" parlor charade variety so the anon version of the 12 step program has helped me tremendously. Lastly, I just wanted to point out the biggest lesson I have learned regarding "time" and healing. In the early days of my spouse's "faux recovery", he asked me, "Why can't it just take two weeks?" In the moment, it was extremely hurtful. I couldn't say anything because I was so shocked and further wounded that I just crumpled. Time takes time. What I have learned is that if the person who caused you the trauma or anybody else for that matter can't or won't give you the time you need, that is their problem. YOU can give it to yourself. All the time YOU need.
ReplyDeleteGiving yourself the time you need is incredibly important. And far too often we feel as though we need to decide rightnow! what it is that we want to do. Impossible when so many of us are crumpled on the floor.
DeleteAnd thanks for the info re. trauma sensitive yoga. Yoga was a godsend for me, a place to just put it all aside and breathe.
Speaking of Zoom meetings and other resources to turn to for support, I have found an incredible group of women through the Betrayal Trauma Recovery website. For a monthly fee you can participate in numerous groups offered every day with coaches experienced in betrayal trauma recovery, some of whom are experts in navigating separation, financial issues, etc. There is also an option to schedule individual sessions with their coaches. The community I’ve found there through the Zoom meetings is the only resource I’ve found as helpful as Elle and the BWC community. I find it’s sometimes helpful to be able to listen to and share experiences with other women who are going through the heartbreaking challenges of betrayal recovery. And like BWC there is no judgment or hidden agenda - just support for healing. Just a suggestion that others might also find helpful. Mimi
ReplyDeleteMimi,
DeleteThanks for that info. I'm compiling a resources section and I'll definitely add that.
Anonymous it has almost been a year for me and I’m exactly where you are except I put him out and have not allowed him back in, but he’s “trying” ( actions don’t match the words) to get back in. I feel the same anger and hate but it’s honestly too debilitating at times so for my health I fight against it these days. I don’t look at the other multiple women he engaged with as anyone to be jealous of or concerned with. Think of it this way, those women weren’t important, they just served a selfish purpose and he in turn served a selfish purpose for them. Think about them like a bunch of lonely clowns. It’s all fake stuff. My husband was the amazing friend and lover, gifts and all. Everything was fake, if they had to live real life with him it wouldn’t be so wonderful. Yes it sucks and I’m angry because I’m still the one who has to be the adult and take care of home because of my decision to put him out, but I’m trying to control my anger because it’s reliving something I already lived. We can’t punish ourselves by suffering more than we already have both after finding out about the cheating and for the relationship that we lived through when it was going on. These men aren’t worth your mental sanity. Find yourself, take time for yourself, make new friends let him see that you can mentally survive on your own if you have to. If you’re going to be in a relationship he still needs to see you living. I was a zombie for years holding down the fort while so much bs was going on in my face. I don’t ever intend to let a man feel so “comfortable” again.
ReplyDeleteHopeful,
DeleteNo, these women often mean nothing. They are props.
I'm glad you've reclaimed yourself! Thanks for sharing your story.