No more...but not yet.
I read that phrase in a tweet by Samuel from Overcoming Infidelity. And wow, right? "No more...but not yet."
It so beautifully sums up that place so many of us inhabit where, sure, things are better. He's not cheating for one thing (as far as we know), our marriage hasn't collapsed (not yet, anyway). But steps feel tentative, as if at any moment the floor just might fall from beneath us. We hold our breath.
No more.
If we've taken steps to create clear boundaries, then there are many "no mores". No more tolerating his unexplained absences. No more ignoring our own needs. No more telling ourselves that this is just what marriage is like after a few years, after a few kids. No more.
But not yet.
We're not where we want to be, are we? Where is the trust? We don't feel it yet. Where is connection? Not feeling it yet. Are we sure we made the right choice? Not yet. We're not yet able to trust that when he says there was traffic on the way home, that there was, truly, traffic on the way home. Not yet able to believe that "it meant nothing". Not yet able to forget him saying that he loved us but wasn't in love with us. What if he cheats again? What if he's still cheating? What if? No. Not yet.
And so our challenge is to figure out how to inhabit this space of transition, as Samuel calls it. He urges us to face this dark place but to bring backup. Like a superhero with sidekicks. A therapist. A trusted friend. A support group. Online programs. Even, perhaps, this blog.
It will feel horrible. Uncertainty will summon all of your fears. That's okay. Stay with it. You can handle it. It's temporary. We can endure just about anything when we know it won't last.
Inhabit the space of "but not yet". It's where we live most of our lives even as we pretend it's otherwise. And if we can make peace with that, if we can embrace that "today, I'm fine even if I'm not yet where I want to be", we will take ourselves a long way toward genuine joy.
Transitions are hard. That is the nut of it. So hard. Gather together your superhero sidekicks to support you as you carry on.
Definitely this blog, 20 months out, I found you all a year ago. Elle, I read your book in a day, the support on this site is beyond amazing.
ReplyDeleteH has done about as much work on himself and for me (and the kids) as he can and he's still doing his very best but I still get stuck and sometimes it takes days to pull myself out of it. Many more good days than bad now but the bad still feel awful. You have all taught me to take my time, time is everything and emotions do shift, 20 months ago I wouldn't have believed that.
Thank you for all your blogs Elle, for your advice and support and for sharing your pain and heartache. Each and every one of you on here are wonderful. Caroline x
Sending you a hug Caroline! We will get through this.
DeleteGlad you found us, Caroline. And so glad to hear the good days are outnumbering the bad. As the saying goes, when you're going through hell...keep going.
DeleteThank you both and lots of hugs back. We will get through this. After a rotten weekend full of unfortunate triggers, recovery feels like walking through treacle today. I will keep going Cx
DeleteI am almost a year out from D-Day and I am struggling with the “no more” but I am not yet ready to walk away. It feels like an eternity that I am in this transition. My husbands affair had ended before he confessed but it was on and off for nearly 2 years. The saddest part is he couldn’t get an erection the first few times and the COW pushed for him to get viagra. Luckily for her - viagra had just become available over the counter. He says he would never have gone to the doctor to get it. With the viagra - he could have sex- and lots of it! Didn’t think about protection- thought it would be ok because she was older and menopausal. It still makes me feel sick that he needed a tablet to cheat on me and his gorgeous children. We had a great sex life, even during his cheating. It’s so sad and pathetic. He became an empty shell during his affair, was angry one minute, guilt ridden the next. He distanced himself from family and friends, especially his sons. He said horrible things about me and my appearance, picking fights for no reason. I knew in my heart something was wrong. I have stayed - but feel weak for doing so. He is remorseful but still gets angry when I talk too much about it. We have seen 2 therapist but I still feel stuck. We always end up talking about his FOO issues. He says me and his children mean the world to him and he will do whatever it takes? But why is he still so angry? What is it I need for him to do. I believe him when he says he hates her. She showed what a psycho she was when she wouldn’t accept no contact and stalked and harassed him. I saw the fear in his eyes and the realisation she was ver unstable. Why do I still feel my stomach churning every morning and lie awake wondering what I am doing. How do you know when your not yet should be get out. Finding it so hard to believe this pain will ever heal. So grateful to Elle and this site. Without it I would never have got through the worst year of my life.
ReplyDeleteAnonymous, I can feel your pain in every line of your letter. And sadly, so much of what you write sounds so familiar. I hear it all the time.
DeleteDo not tolerate his anger toward you. Do not let him silence you. He's using it to keep you quiet so that he doesn't have to face the shame he feels about violating his own value system. Too bad. He needs his own therapist to work through his FOO stuff and to face his guilt/shame. That's HIS work, not yours. Yours is to process your own pain. I think it might be wise for each of you to work with an individual therapist before couples counselling. He can't hear your pain until he's addressed his own shame. He can't rebuild a marriage when he doesn't really want to talk about why it needs rebuilding.
Take the focus off of him (let him deal with his own stuff) and put it on you. Reconnect with the things that bring you joy. It can be exhausting to feel like you have to spend every minute of a day deciding whether your marriage is going to work or not. Just let him do his own work and then, when he's addressed that stuff, figure out your marriage.
Anonymous, I could have written this almost a year from my D day too. For me, it got better when I quit focusing on him, my marriage, or it’s viability. I began to heal exponentially when I began to focus on me, all my relationships, but NOT my marriage. I grew closer to friends. I started new hobbies. I searched for the joy life has to offer and there is a lot out there. I made a commitment to myself to seek fun and not worry whether I stayed married or not. I was lucky (or maybe he was) that my husband supported and financed anything I chose to do. For me, it became so easy when I realized life is not defined by my marriage or husband. He is just one of many relationships I have. He is my partner in many areas, but he is not and will never be my everything. Slowly, I began to allow myself to love and trust him
ReplyDeleteAgain, but it was never my goal. My goal was and always will be to make sure I am doing what I need to be a happy person. I count on myself to fill my cup. Family, friends, and even he can help with that, but ultimately it’s on me. When I realized I am a complete human whether married or not and that life was good with or without a marriage things got easier. I do love him and am happy with the relationship we have developed, but it’s just that, a relationship... no less no more. Gone are my fears of societal norms and definitions of marriage. Gone are the self doubts of “why am I still here?” “Everyone says I should leave” or even telling myself “I should leave”. As a great therapist once told me “quit shoulding all over yourself”. All I needed to do is love myself. Now when I am having a down day I ask myself “what is really bothering me?” Is it him? Is it his pass deeds? If it’s something he is doing now, I mention it to him. If I am just wallowing in sadness over what he did then I remind myself “I am here. My life is good. Get out and do something fun. Life is a wasting”. The one thing I absolutely refuse to ever do is continually ask myself if I should stay or go. As long as he is treating me with love and respect, I will stay. If he chooses to return to his asshole ways, I am gone. Too much analyzing the what if’s and reliving his fuckery is unhealthy and unproductive. Try to do something fun and joyful for yourself each day. That and time will allow your healing.
Thank you Sv youu are saying exactly what my mum and sister are telling me. You are all right. I am me, not him or the sum of his wrong doings. I have so many wonderful friends and family who love me, for me. I tried to focus on what I love doing today which was essentIally cooking the best roast dinner and being with my children. It felt so good to just be together in the moment without all the pain and hurt. Because we are in a strict lockdown for a while all I can do it enjoy the simple things, I am missing my family and friends. I am great full for your post and hope like you further down the line I will heal. Big hugs to you and all my fellow betrayed sisters xxx
DeleteWow your words are speaking to my souls today. I had a dream last night and it definetly carried into this morning. I was very distant with my husband and didn’t even want to give him a kiss as he left for work this morning. I often find myself consumed by my thoughts and emotions and it does nothing for me. You’re right I need to focus on myself. Whether he goes back to his sneaky ways is on him, I was fine before him I’ll be fine after him. I cannot control anyone’s action and emotions except my own. Thank you so much for these amazing words. It is what I needed.
DeleteHey SV,
DeleteThank-you for this response. I read it after I'd responded and you said exactly what I was trying to say. It's easy (and understandable) to get caught up in trying to make a decision, fix things, etc. But often the best thing we can do is leave them to clean up their own mess while we focus on re-finding our own joy.
Sv—thank you for your post. I am feeling much of the same that you did and wonder at what point did you stop worrying if your marriage was done or if he was still cheering or talking to the OW? I’m barely 2 months out and every day I have some moment where I want to say F*ck it and ask him to leave but I don’t want my marriage to end. It might be selfishness on my part as I have a wonderful life outside of his affair. He’s a wonderful provider and treats me well—again except for the affair.
DeleteHi hurting,
DeleteI am only one month out and I struggle with the constant battle of walking away or fighting for this marriage. Last night was one of them. I asked my husband "what are we doing" but today is a good day. I have to really cherish days like today for my own sanity.
All that is written above has been the broken record in my head and heart. No more. Not yet. And onward, ho!
DeleteOh Elle,
ReplyDeleteI am happy that my perspective may have offered a glimmer of peace to someone. My writing and journey is nowhere near as developed as yours! You are a blessing to so many, including me. I have never been one to subscribe to the “everything happens for a reason” mantra , but the pain you have endured has definitely manifested into something beautiful. You are a gift.
Thank you for such kind words. The truth is that, as I've shared my story here, I've helped heal myself. Which is why I'm such a proponent of sharing our stories. I think there's such power in taking what we know and using it to light someone else's way.
DeleteAlso Sv, Would you consider writing a post based on what you wrote below -- how you set and clarified boundaries around his use of electronics, among other things? I think it could be really valuable info. Let me know. You can reach me at betrayedwivesclub06 at gmail dot com
DeleteThank you for this. It stopped my tears this morning. 17 months in this is exactly what I struggle with. I had hoped I would be so much better by now, but I am not. I can see happiness dangling in front of me but just daren’t trust it enough to reach out and take it. I beat myself up for being the way I am for so long. I’m desperate to move on. We’ve come a long, long way but the last hurdle looks so high. I’m still afraid to let go of the past and what he did. Why I retreat into my pain instead of being able to move on when he is being so loving and has done so much to help me heal, I have no idea. I have loved him for 36 years, during the vast majority of which he was faithful and loving. Yet I feel stuck. I will continue to hope and add ‘but not yet’ to my armour to try to forgive myself for being so full of fear when he is so full of love. Thank you for being there for me and all of us this morning. X
ReplyDeleteHurting,
DeleteAlthough I am happy with my marriage at the moment, I still don’t think about or worry whether it’s forever or not. It might be until death due is part or it could end tomorrow. I just don’t spend time worrying about it. As for the wondering if he was still speaking to the OW a boundary of mine early on was (one that was non negotiable ) was that he deleted all social media platforms, gave me access to all his devices .. and when I say access I mean immediate. If I asked to see his phone it was immediately handed over. Absolutely no time to check or delete stuff. He downloaded Life 360 so I always knew where he was. He set up all his text messages to be sent to a device that I kept so there was no chance of deleting them. He literally had no privacy. If he left the home he would FaceTime me to prove where he was and who he was with. This was his doing as it was up to him to prove he wasn’t cheating. I refused to be a detective and he knew that if he wasn’t providing full transparency I would have just assumed he was cheating and walked, so the burden was on him. The thing was, if he had wanted to he still could have found a way to cheat. I knew that and although if there was ever any hope of reconciliation he needed to do those things, it was his effort is providing me the bit of comfort that really meant anything. If he had stopped, resisted, or even made me ask then it would have been meaningless. He created the distrust, it was up to him to prove himself trustworthy again. But, as I mentioned before, these things may have helped save the marriage, but they did little for my healing. I think it bothered him when he would “prove” his trustworthiness and I seemed unimpressed. He definitely needed to do it if he wanted any prayer at reconciliation, but I needed to disengage, heal, and be okay with whether he quit cheating or not. It’s hard to explain, but essentially I had to make him irrelevant to my happiness to heal. Lucky for him, he stuck it out and still is.... I am certainly not fully healed, but I feel so good these days. Good enough to allow love for him to grow. A year ago, I was not there. I hope this makes some sense. And for what it’s worth, at two months out I was still a walking zombie. I remember one instance when I was so out of it that my daughter had to order food for me at a restaurant. The waiter was asking for my order and I actually could not remember where I was or what I was supposed to be doing. Hang in there. Life will get better one way or the other.
SV, thank you for this post. I think inner fear is the biggest reason of why some days i push my husband away if he is genuinely trying, or why some days I want to walk away, or even reconsider ever having children with him. I fear the future tremendously now when before I never even thought twice about it. We have always talked about having children in the future and have even gone as far as to pick out names. Now, I dont feel the urge to have children with my husband, and it is due to fear. Fear of him being unfaithful again, fear of feeling this immense pain and betrayal again. It has been very hard and I try not to give in too much into the future because at the end of the day, its not here yet. I need to focus on the present and stop fearing the unknown. Ive always had the type of personality where I am very organized. I lay out my day, make sure things get done on my checklists, I dont like change very much and I think this is why I fear the future so much. I do not know what it looks like, and I have to realize that its okay to fear the unknown sometimes, but it is not okay to let it consume me to the point where i self sabotage myself and my emotions.
DeleteThese posts are what I needed to hear today. I am at a crossroads: the other night my husband admitted that he really gave up on us almost 2 yr ago after I confessed my feeling for my ex I had an emotional affair with. He stayed with me, told me he thought we could fix things and be happy, found a marriage counselor and has been going every week for 3 months. Hearing those words was a shock wave and I realize I need to stand up for myself, love myself, and focus on me not fixing our marriage. We are talking tonight because I told him those words have changed my perspective. I have 3 children - one an adult, one about to become an adult (from previous marriage) and our son who we adopted. This has had an impact on them and I want to make things whole, even myself again. I am a planner too and the unknown is something I am struggling with. My husband has contacted the OW twice since it ended. He will not delete social media ties with her and, the other night he talked about the feelings that developed for her almost immediately as the talked as friends. I forgave him immediately because "I lived in the glass house first" but as much as I want to move forward I feel stuck. It seems like he keeps going back and forth. He expects the "honeymoon" feelings we had when we met and I told him those fade over the time we have been together and mature. I am afraid he will chose to leave and then where am I? There are so many things I do not know what to deal with first but hearing you say it helped to focus on you makes sense. I have control over myself and only I can change if I want to. I have friends but COVID had prevented me from being able to get away and forget about all this even for a couple of hours. This site has been a blessing because I realize what I am feeling is normal and hearing you say to focus on yourself and your happiness, your life is something I needed to hear today.
ReplyDeleteThat's what so many of us want, isn't it? Just to know that everything we're feeling, as crazy as it feels, is "normal". That it's the situation that's crazy, not us. Glad this site gives you that.
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