How do I, after making the decision to stay (because of the children, because I still love him, etc etc), look myself in the mirror and say 'you are not weak for making this decision'. It would appear that a stronger person would say F@#$ this S%^& and end the marriage. I am stuck on this thinking, that somehow staying or keeping the marriage makes me feel "weak".
Susan, A whole lot of us struggle with this, largely because our culture has framed infidelity as a deal-breaker and only pathetic/weak/desperate/fill-in-the-adjective-here stay. Thing is, I don't know a single pathetic woman who stayed. I know plenty of strong women who did. I know plenty of women who drew VERY clear boundaries around what they would and would not tolerate and made it VERY clear to their husbands that they were being given a second chance and that they had better NEVER expect that sort of mercy again. And I know of a whole lot of women who awe with the courage they showed in doing the hard work of rebuilding a marriage and reclaiming themselves. Which is not to say that women who leave aren't also strong and courageous. It IS to say that what choice we make is OURS alone and doesn't indicate courage one way or the other. Some women stay because they can't figure a way to leave and keep food on the table. Or they live in a culture in which divorce is almost impossible. And some women leave because our culture tells them that's the only acceptable option. You believe you're weak for staying because that's what you're telling yourself. But if you start framing it differently, if you start paying attention to the courage it takes to give someone a second chance, you might see yourself differently. Consider this: If a friend told you a story about her marriage that sounded like yours, would you roll your eyes at her decision to stay? Or would you, like a true friend, acknowledge her guts and her compassion and support her for making a choice that felt right to her? The problem is, at least in part, we often don't hear all the stories about reconciliation. Again, our culture encourages us to hide infidelity. And so we don't always know of the many MANY (statistically speaking) people who've rebuild their marriages after infidelity. And here's another thing: When you're at the end of your life, do you want to look back and think that you made choices that were the right ones for you? Or do you want to look back and think, "well, at least people didn't think I was a wimp"? Which is another thing: Most people don't care that much what we do. Once the drama has faded, so have we. So...live your own life, Susan. Staying with a man you love who has broken your heart -- and giving him the chance to show you he can be a better man -- is not for the faint of heart. Whether others in your life know it or not, you are showing enormous courage in keeping your heart soft when it could just as easily grow hard.
Susan, I echo what Elle wrote. When my heart was broken and my soul crushed by my husband's disclosure in June 2015 it was all I could do to breathe. After the dust settled and I picked myself up off the floor and read every single blog post on this site, I gave myself a year to decide what I wanted to do. I knew it might be shorter or longer depending a lot on what my husband chose to do. I set very clear boundaries with zero room for error. He knew he had one chance and one chance only. He gave up all of his passwords and devices. He stopped drinking. He stopped using drugs. He never went anywhere with money in his pocket or a credit card. It was one of the hardest years of my life and he knew that one slip up and I was done. I had a lot of reasons to stay having a long marriage with children and grandchildren and significant financial entanglements. I also learned from this site to get to therapy and open my ears and heart to some truths I knew nothing about in my husbands past. When his history finally came out and I had healed enough (2+ years into this shit show)to find some compassion for him and me, and allow myself to really understand that "hurt people, hurt people" I began to feel more compassion for myself and allow myself to forgive me for not knowing what I didn't know. It has been over five years. I often feel "normal" although this is a new normal. There will never be what I felt before because I can't go back and pretend to not know all that he did for more than 35 years. Yes, 35 years. I am here. I have a pretty good life but what happened before D-day is forever changed in my view. I sometimes grieve that innocence and I know I didn't deserve what happened to me but I have to make a new life and I have. I do that every day. I no longer care how he might act or react about things I want to do. I know I will be okay. He knows I will be okay too. He is still afraid to lose me. He knows I will never forget, even as we move forward. I now understand courage and what it takes to live life fully with eyes open. You can do that too in whatever way works for you. You don't have to make a decision now unless you want to. Had my husband hired another hooker, gone to an AMP or used porn I would have walked out because once he knew what my boundaries were it was up to him to make a choice between me and what he wanted. So far he continues to choose me. 2020 is almost over. Hang in there.
Hey Susan, There's an entire blog posted today, inspired by your question. I hope it helps you to hear the voices of those who see strength in making the choice that's right for you, rather than seeing yourself through judgemental and ignorant eyes.
I am struggling lately with what "i deserve". I decided to stay with my husband after finding out he was sexting another woman. Never physically met or even spoke on the phone. It has only been 2 months since Dday but now I am leaning more towards the idea of leaving. There are a lot of things that are leading me towards the idea of being single. I have been with him for 5 years now and only married 4 months. Out of the 5 years I am starting to feel like i sure have sacraficed a lot and have got nothing in return. Instead i got betrayal and hurt. On top of all this his son has now entered our lives. He did not have a good relationship with his son's mother so he is now just being a part of his son's life at 6yrs old. His sons mother is an addict and is not allowed to be around him so I have really stepped up as a step mom. I am a teacher and even volunteered to work from home to help my step-son with distance learning. He even calls me mom and has known me less than 6 months. My husband works a swing shift so there are times where i am alone with just his son and it brings me sadness. It is extremely hard trying to rebuild a marriage when I have to stop and play the mom role. I guess what makes it easier to want to walk away is the resentment i feel for not having any control of what has happened. I have had to deal with betrayal and now be a motherly figure to a child i barely know when i have no children myself. I feel anger towards my husband. He knows i have always talked about our goals. Buying our first home, having our first child, and building a life together. It feels like it has all been ripped away from me and I dont know how to cope with it. I am scared that i will let another 5years go by and will look back wishing I had left and another part of me feels hopeful but I am not too sure for what. I am very very torn.
I'm so sorry for everything that you're going through. You'll notice that the tagline on this site is "my heartbreak, my rules" and that's pretty much what we preach here. Staying without exacting change is pretty much accepting that life is going to deliver more of the same. What we realize when we've been betrayed is that life can't stay the same, unless we're committed to misery. We absolutely need to get clear on our own boundaries and insist on change. Which brings me to your letter. While your husband is to blame for the cheating (and yes, sexting is cheating), you need to take responsibility for the conditions that have led to you feeling so resentful. That's not to say it's entirely your fault -- it's not. He has clearly benefited in some ways from you being willing to take the lion's share of responsibility for HIS son. But that's the thing. You don't have to. You can state very clearly what you are willing to do regarding this and what you are not willing to do. So often (and I am completely guilty of this), we don't set clear boundaries, we take on too much, and then we're mad at others for not helping us. In my case, I had to recognize that I tended to play the martyr. I liked being someone that took care of a lot, that helped out whoever needed it. I liked thinking I was saving the world. But then I resented everyone who was happy to let me do it without ALSO stepping up. So...whether or not you leave, it's valuable for you to take a hard look at what you're taking on and consider why you're taking it on. What's in it for you? And what's it costing you? What is okay with you and what isn't (ie. learn to set boundaries)? And then...stop doing things that create resentment. It's like poison to any relationship. I can imagine how hard it is to watch this poor abandoned kid. But you can be a loving presence in his life WITHOUT being largely responsible for him. While you are stepping up, you're essentially allowing your husband to step back knowing that this kid is in good hands. Start here (my heartbreak, my rules) and see if your husband steps up, acknowledges the ways in which he has let you down, and what he's willing to do to make things more equitable. And then...let him. It can feel really uncomfortable to step back when you're accustomed to being the person who does everything. But just...be uncomfortable and let him take responsibility where he should. Give yourself time to consider whether you really want out of this marriage or whether you just need to create a healthier dynamic. Find a professional who can help you both learn to communicate. I hope I don't sound harsh. I know how hard this is and how much pain you're in. But I can also get a sense of the ways in which you would likely take this same dynamic (taking care of everything/everyone) into a new relationship and the same resentments would arise. I suspect a lot of it comes from this idea of "Look at how much I've been doing and this is how you thank me???" outrage.
It resonates deeply with me too. Thank you both for this. I also want to do what is right/ feels right for me, but all these other external influences/voices is somehow disturbing.
It is difficult, especially when we've spent a large part of our lives ignoring our inner voice. Pay attention to how your body feels. Ask yourself where you might have heard whatever the opinion is (ie. do the thoughts in your head sound like your mother? your best friend? your childhood bully? etc.). And get still. It can be hard to hear our own voices over all the noise.
I didn’t know where to go...I have all these thoughts in my head. How can I have the courage to stay? Or to let him go after what he did. We have been married for 7 years...together for 12. We have 2 beautiful children who adore him. Found out a week into our 7th anniversary he has been cheating on me with a family friend. Her husbands is my husband’s best friend. How can you do that to a friend?! Her and I were not the best of friends but I considered her a friend. We saw each other a few weeks back and come to find out they had already seen each other twice prior to that gathering. How can either of them show face and act like nothing...AND YOUR CHILDREN ARE THERE? It has been almost a week since I found out. It’s very fresh and I’m so numb. He tells me All the details between their encounter.... Driving up to see her, disgusting messages (sexting) worst of all, if her husband never found out. I’m almost positive my husband would’ve never told me. She was so fake to me! Her and I were I planning New Years to spend all together. How can you be so fake and conniving? I call this past week...”hell week!” It has been the worst week of my life. Trying to fake it around my innocent babies...telling them papa is at work. They HAVE to be with their father, they love him so much. I know this, he was always a better father than husband. He feels regret, remorse, embarrassment. But can I believe him? CAN I HAVE THE COURAGE TO FORGIVE HIM? I keep picturing both of them in my mind and I want it out...I’m so scared of what my future holds...in the end after we spoke I still love him and I hate that I do! It would be so much easier to let go. And another part of me...my children? Do I stay for them? I do know this my love for my children is so much deeper than the HATE I feel for him.
heartbrokenwife, I'm so sorry for what you're going through. I can read the shock and pain in every word. You are a week out so this is still very raw. It takes time to absorb the shock and then begin to figure out where you go from here. Give yourself time. As best you can right now, focus on your immediate needs: Eat. Sleep. Find a therapist who can help you process this. And then, when you're ready, consider what you want next. In the meantime, I hope he has ZERO contact with this woman or her husband. There is no logic behind what they did so you likely will never understand how they could betray not only their spouses but friends. It boggles the mind. There's a ton to read on this site, much of which will remind you that you did nothing to deserve this. You will also notice our tagline: "My heartbreak, my rules", which guides our healing. You get to decide what happens next. But only when you're ready.
Heartbroken wife, I am so sorry for the shock, pain and disbelief you are feeling. I know it all too well. My husband had a 4 year affair with a "friend" of ours. Our kids were friends, we socialized as couples and she and I hung out together quite a bit. The PAIN, anger and embarrassment I felt when I learned that she was in my home, my bed!, with him while I was at work, is unfathomable. It is over 2 years now since D-day, but I still cringe when she, they, come to mind. No regard for anyone but themselves. It's impossible to understand for anyone who knows they just wouldn't, couldn't do that to another human being. But that's just it. They had the misfortune of being born into families of neglect, abuse, disfunction and had to hit rock bottom to see who they really were and what they'd done to their loved ones. Like yours, my husband is my boys' hero. He's an awesome dad. I couldn't imagine destroying their lives. However, I told him he had to leave until I figured out what I wanted. I truly believed we were done. I couldn't imagine being married to such a monster, but I also knew I was in shock and needed time and distance to see everything more clearly. He moved out for 6 months, but he came "home" every morning to get the boys ready for school and take them (as was our usual routine). He attended intense therapy to start looking at the person he really was. We attended marriage counselling, though it started purely as therapy to talk about how to best support our children through our separation. Only once I saw the work he was doing, the amends he was starting to make and his understanding of the hell he was responsible for, did I start to imagine a possible future for us. I eventually saw him displaying courage, not cowardice. Give yourself time. Listen to yourself, you know what you need, but you need to listen VERY attentively right now as your soul is doing a whole lot of screaming and crying. Identify what you need that will allow you that space, that quiet to really listen to yourself. For me, a good trauma therapist, a few close friends to cry with, and several good books about affairs we're helpful. Be compassionate to yourself. I was off work for 6 weeks and a general basket case for a LONG time. Like months. Parenting innocent children through this is SO hard too, so make your h step up and take the lion's share. Take care, you aren't alone and you will feel stronger, I promise.
How do I, after making the decision to stay (because of the children, because I still love him, etc etc), look myself in the mirror and say 'you are not weak for making this decision'. It would appear that a stronger person would say F@#$ this S%^& and end the marriage. I am stuck on this thinking, that somehow staying or keeping the marriage makes me feel "weak".
ReplyDeleteSusan, A whole lot of us struggle with this, largely because our culture has framed infidelity as a deal-breaker and only pathetic/weak/desperate/fill-in-the-adjective-here stay. Thing is, I don't know a single pathetic woman who stayed. I know plenty of strong women who did. I know plenty of women who drew VERY clear boundaries around what they would and would not tolerate and made it VERY clear to their husbands that they were being given a second chance and that they had better NEVER expect that sort of mercy again. And I know of a whole lot of women who awe with the courage they showed in doing the hard work of rebuilding a marriage and reclaiming themselves. Which is not to say that women who leave aren't also strong and courageous. It IS to say that what choice we make is OURS alone and doesn't indicate courage one way or the other. Some women stay because they can't figure a way to leave and keep food on the table. Or they live in a culture in which divorce is almost impossible. And some women leave because our culture tells them that's the only acceptable option. You believe you're weak for staying because that's what you're telling yourself. But if you start framing it differently, if you start paying attention to the courage it takes to give someone a second chance, you might see yourself differently. Consider this: If a friend told you a story about her marriage that sounded like yours, would you roll your eyes at her decision to stay? Or would you, like a true friend, acknowledge her guts and her compassion and support her for making a choice that felt right to her? The problem is, at least in part, we often don't hear all the stories about reconciliation. Again, our culture encourages us to hide infidelity. And so we don't always know of the many MANY (statistically speaking) people who've rebuild their marriages after infidelity.
DeleteAnd here's another thing: When you're at the end of your life, do you want to look back and think that you made choices that were the right ones for you? Or do you want to look back and think, "well, at least people didn't think I was a wimp"? Which is another thing: Most people don't care that much what we do. Once the drama has faded, so have we. So...live your own life, Susan. Staying with a man you love who has broken your heart -- and giving him the chance to show you he can be a better man -- is not for the faint of heart. Whether others in your life know it or not, you are showing enormous courage in keeping your heart soft when it could just as easily grow hard.
Thank you for this.
DeleteSusan, I echo what Elle wrote. When my heart was broken and my soul crushed by my husband's disclosure in June 2015 it was all I could do to breathe. After the dust settled and I picked myself up off the floor and read every single blog post on this site, I gave myself a year to decide what I wanted to do. I knew it might be shorter or longer depending a lot on what my husband chose to do. I set very clear boundaries with zero room for error. He knew he had one chance and one chance only. He gave up all of his passwords and devices. He stopped drinking. He stopped using drugs. He never went anywhere with money in his pocket or a credit card. It was one of the hardest years of my life and he knew that one slip up and I was done. I had a lot of reasons to stay having a long marriage with children and grandchildren and significant financial entanglements. I also learned from this site to get to therapy and open my ears and heart to some truths I knew nothing about in my husbands past. When his history finally came out and I had healed enough (2+ years into this shit show)to find some compassion for him and me, and allow myself to really understand that "hurt people, hurt people" I began to feel more compassion for myself and allow myself to forgive me for not knowing what I didn't know. It has been over five years. I often feel "normal" although this is a new normal. There will never be what I felt before because I can't go back and pretend to not know all that he did for more than 35 years. Yes, 35 years. I am here. I have a pretty good life but what happened before D-day is forever changed in my view. I sometimes grieve that innocence and I know I didn't deserve what happened to me but I have to make a new life and I have. I do that every day. I no longer care how he might act or react about things I want to do. I know I will be okay. He knows I will be okay too. He is still afraid to lose me. He knows I will never forget, even as we move forward. I now understand courage and what it takes to live life fully with eyes open. You can do that too in whatever way works for you. You don't have to make a decision now unless you want to. Had my husband hired another hooker, gone to an AMP or used porn I would have walked out because once he knew what my boundaries were it was up to him to make a choice between me and what he wanted. So far he continues to choose me. 2020 is almost over. Hang in there.
DeleteHey Susan, There's an entire blog posted today, inspired by your question. I hope it helps you to hear the voices of those who see strength in making the choice that's right for you, rather than seeing yourself through judgemental and ignorant eyes.
DeleteI woke up to that blog this morning, there is great strength here. Thank you
DeleteI am struggling lately with what "i deserve". I decided to stay with my husband after finding out he was sexting another woman. Never physically met or even spoke on the phone. It has only been 2 months since Dday but now I am leaning more towards the idea of leaving. There are a lot of things that are leading me towards the idea of being single. I have been with him for 5 years now and only married 4 months. Out of the 5 years I am starting to feel like i sure have sacraficed a lot and have got nothing in return. Instead i got betrayal and hurt. On top of all this his son has now entered our lives. He did not have a good relationship with his son's mother so he is now just being a part of his son's life at 6yrs old. His sons mother is an addict and is not allowed to be around him so I have really stepped up as a step mom. I am a teacher and even volunteered to work from home to help my step-son with distance learning. He even calls me mom and has known me less than 6 months. My husband works a swing shift so there are times where i am alone with just his son and it brings me sadness. It is extremely hard trying to rebuild a marriage when I have to stop and play the mom role. I guess what makes it easier to want to walk away is the resentment i feel for not having any control of what has happened. I have had to deal with betrayal and now be a motherly figure to a child i barely know when i have no children myself. I feel anger towards my husband. He knows i have always talked about our goals. Buying our first home, having our first child, and building a life together. It feels like it has all been ripped away from me and I dont know how to cope with it. I am scared that i will let another 5years go by and will look back wishing I had left and another part of me feels hopeful but I am not too sure for what. I am very very torn.
ReplyDeleteI'm so sorry for everything that you're going through. You'll notice that the tagline on this site is "my heartbreak, my rules" and that's pretty much what we preach here. Staying without exacting change is pretty much accepting that life is going to deliver more of the same. What we realize when we've been betrayed is that life can't stay the same, unless we're committed to misery. We absolutely need to get clear on our own boundaries and insist on change.
DeleteWhich brings me to your letter. While your husband is to blame for the cheating (and yes, sexting is cheating), you need to take responsibility for the conditions that have led to you feeling so resentful. That's not to say it's entirely your fault -- it's not. He has clearly benefited in some ways from you being willing to take the lion's share of responsibility for HIS son. But that's the thing. You don't have to. You can state very clearly what you are willing to do regarding this and what you are not willing to do. So often (and I am completely guilty of this), we don't set clear boundaries, we take on too much, and then we're mad at others for not helping us. In my case, I had to recognize that I tended to play the martyr. I liked being someone that took care of a lot, that helped out whoever needed it. I liked thinking I was saving the world. But then I resented everyone who was happy to let me do it without ALSO stepping up.
So...whether or not you leave, it's valuable for you to take a hard look at what you're taking on and consider why you're taking it on. What's in it for you? And what's it costing you? What is okay with you and what isn't (ie. learn to set boundaries)?
And then...stop doing things that create resentment. It's like poison to any relationship. I can imagine how hard it is to watch this poor abandoned kid. But you can be a loving presence in his life WITHOUT being largely responsible for him. While you are stepping up, you're essentially allowing your husband to step back knowing that this kid is in good hands.
Start here (my heartbreak, my rules) and see if your husband steps up, acknowledges the ways in which he has let you down, and what he's willing to do to make things more equitable. And then...let him. It can feel really uncomfortable to step back when you're accustomed to being the person who does everything. But just...be uncomfortable and let him take responsibility where he should.
Give yourself time to consider whether you really want out of this marriage or whether you just need to create a healthier dynamic. Find a professional who can help you both learn to communicate.
I hope I don't sound harsh. I know how hard this is and how much pain you're in. But I can also get a sense of the ways in which you would likely take this same dynamic (taking care of everything/everyone) into a new relationship and the same resentments would arise. I suspect a lot of it comes from this idea of "Look at how much I've been doing and this is how you thank me???" outrage.
It resonates deeply with me too. Thank you both for this. I also want to do what is right/ feels right for me, but all these other external influences/voices is somehow disturbing.
ReplyDelete...also not exactly knowing what is internal or external voice is very difficult at times
ReplyDeleteIt is difficult, especially when we've spent a large part of our lives ignoring our inner voice. Pay attention to how your body feels. Ask yourself where you might have heard whatever the opinion is (ie. do the thoughts in your head sound like your mother? your best friend? your childhood bully? etc.). And get still. It can be hard to hear our own voices over all the noise.
DeleteThank you for this. Today is one of those bad days when I'm questioning my self. Needed to hear this. ❤️
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry you're having a rough day. I hope today's (Dec. 7) post helps.
DeleteI didn’t know where to go...I have all these thoughts in my head. How can I have the courage to stay? Or to let him go after what he did. We have been married for 7 years...together for 12. We have 2 beautiful children who adore him. Found out a week into our 7th anniversary he has been cheating on me with a family friend. Her husbands is my husband’s best friend. How can you do that to a friend?! Her and I were not the best of friends but I considered her a friend. We saw each other a few weeks back and come to find out they had already seen each other twice prior to that gathering. How can either of them show face and act like nothing...AND YOUR CHILDREN ARE THERE?
ReplyDeleteIt has been almost a week since I found out. It’s very fresh and I’m so numb. He tells me All the details between their encounter.... Driving up to see her, disgusting messages (sexting) worst of all, if her husband never found out. I’m almost positive my husband would’ve never told me. She was so fake to me! Her and I were I planning New Years to spend all together. How can you be so fake and conniving?
I call this past week...”hell week!” It has been the worst week of my life. Trying to fake it around my innocent babies...telling them papa is at work. They HAVE to be with their father, they love him so much. I know this, he was always a better father than husband.
He feels regret, remorse, embarrassment. But can I believe him? CAN I HAVE THE COURAGE TO FORGIVE HIM? I keep picturing both of them in my mind and I want it out...I’m so scared of what my future holds...in the end after we spoke I still love him and I hate that I do! It would be so much easier to let go. And another part of me...my children? Do I stay for them? I do know this my love for my children is so much deeper than the HATE I feel for him.
heartbrokenwife,
DeleteI'm so sorry for what you're going through. I can read the shock and pain in every word. You are a week out so this is still very raw. It takes time to absorb the shock and then begin to figure out where you go from here. Give yourself time. As best you can right now, focus on your immediate needs: Eat. Sleep. Find a therapist who can help you process this. And then, when you're ready, consider what you want next. In the meantime, I hope he has ZERO contact with this woman or her husband. There is no logic behind what they did so you likely will never understand how they could betray not only their spouses but friends. It boggles the mind.
There's a ton to read on this site, much of which will remind you that you did nothing to deserve this. You will also notice our tagline: "My heartbreak, my rules", which guides our healing. You get to decide what happens next. But only when you're ready.
Heartbroken wife,
DeleteI am so sorry for the shock, pain and disbelief you are feeling. I know it all too well. My husband had a 4 year affair with a "friend" of ours. Our kids were friends, we socialized as couples and she and I hung out together quite a bit. The PAIN, anger and embarrassment I felt when I learned that she was in my home, my bed!, with him while I was at work, is unfathomable. It is over 2 years now since D-day, but I still cringe when she, they, come to mind. No regard for anyone but themselves. It's impossible to understand for anyone who knows they just wouldn't, couldn't do that to another human being. But that's just it. They had the misfortune of being born into families of neglect, abuse, disfunction and had to hit rock bottom to see who they really were and what they'd done to their loved ones.
Like yours, my husband is my boys' hero. He's an awesome dad. I couldn't imagine destroying their lives. However, I told him he had to leave until I figured out what I wanted. I truly believed we were done. I couldn't imagine being married to such a monster, but I also knew I was in shock and needed time and distance to see everything more clearly.
He moved out for 6 months, but he came "home" every morning to get the boys ready for school and take them (as was our usual routine). He attended intense therapy to start looking at the person he really was. We attended marriage counselling, though it started purely as therapy to talk about how to best support our children through our separation. Only once I saw the work he was doing, the amends he was starting to make and his understanding of the hell he was responsible for, did I start to imagine a possible future for us. I eventually saw him displaying courage, not cowardice.
Give yourself time. Listen to yourself, you know what you need, but you need to listen VERY attentively right now as your soul is doing a whole lot of screaming and crying. Identify what you need that will allow you that space, that quiet to really listen to yourself. For me, a good trauma therapist, a few close friends to cry with, and several good books about affairs we're helpful.
Be compassionate to yourself. I was off work for 6 weeks and a general basket case for a LONG time. Like months. Parenting innocent children through this is SO hard too, so make your h step up and take the lion's share. Take care, you aren't alone and you will feel stronger, I promise.