One of the most difficult things about healing from being hurt by others is how to put wounds to rest when those who have hurt us will not give air to the wound, will not admit to their part in causing the pain. I have struggled with this deeply. Time and again, I find myself confusing the want for justice with the need for a witness of the wound.
~Mark Nepo, The Book of Awakening
One of the more common laments I hear on this site is how the OW isn't "paying" for what she did. If she was single, well, she just moves on. If she's married, we imagine that her husband either doesn't know (and most don't want to tell him) or that he's chosen to move past it. So really, what we're saying when we want the OW to pay for our pain is that we want to see her pay. We want it to be public. Oprah once said that the downside of the karma bus was that we rarely got to see it run over those who did us wrong.
And I get it. Justice. We just want justice, right? Except that focusing on justice – the price we think she should pay (and our husband should pay, for that matter) – often keeps us focused outwardly. Away from the pain. Away from the wound.
But what I've learned through healing from betrayal is that focussing outward keeps us a step removed from our wound but connected to the person who helped create it. It's like being in the middle of the road with a broken leg and trying to chase down the person who ran us over. What we need to do is fix the break first.
But a broken bone is one thing. It shows up on x-rays. A broken heart is another thing entirely. We don't know how to effectively treat a broken heart. And so we tell ourselves that we're being pathetic. We chastise ourselves for our tears. Why aren't we over this? What's wrong with us? We need a witness for our wound, as Mark Nepo says, and yet we can't even do that for ourselves. Far easier, it seems, to stalk her Facebook or Instagram for signs of her misery. Far easier to drive by her house and see the curtains pulled tight.
None of this is easy, my friends. Healing from infidelity just might be the hardest thing you'll ever do. But it starts with acknowledging your pain. Acknowledging just how deep the wound goes. And summoning other witnesses to it, who can assure us that they know it's there too.
It might not erase our desire for justice, our need to see those who hurt us somehow pay for the damage they caused. But it also might. By the time I began to feel healed from my own broken heart, I no longer cared about the OW. I knew by then she had remarried and had a baby. And I hoped, for the baby's sake, that she had done some healing of her own. I hoped for the sake of other women that she never wanted to cause such damage in another's marriage again. But that was nothing I could control. And so I let go.
Your karma comment made me think. In my "investigative" phase - likely 2 years post-D-day - , I made the connection that my husband's "B-list celebrity" affair partner had been horrifically sexually abused by her teacher when she was just 16. It's amazing what's available on the internet when you obsessively search and make connections on the details... I suddenly understood her broken-ness. I felt compassion and pity for her - pity because as a 52 year old professional woman, her life and career would have been ruined had the videos and photos she sent my husband had been made public. I'm slightly proud that I protected her from karma by destroying the images -- I would be prouder had I never contemplated ruining her with them, though. I have certainly learned how flawed I am -- and how everyone of us carries some kind of pain.
ReplyDelete"everyone one of us carries some kind of pain". That is so true and it can free us of that desire for revenge. I, too, learned that the OW had a sad history. Doesn't make what she did okay (I had my own sad history and I didn't cheat) but it does help me understand that those of us who don't transform our pain will often transmit it to others.
DeleteThis reiterated the feelings I had been having. Seeking revenge/justice will only give me temporary, flighting joy. Then I'm back to being a trash fire of emotion. Working on me has helped me tremendously but, the 'what if' guy in me asks: "how do I know FOR SURE if the whole wound has healed"? How am I going to handle it when years down the road that doubt creeps back in. Right now my only answer is that I will burn that bridge when I get there.
ReplyDeleteWe're very poor judges of our future selves. You will be a different person then and will respond to any "what ifs" from that new vantage point. You will have gained experience and insight and will, therefore, respond from that. As best you can, stay rooted in the now and the healing you're doing today.
DeleteI don’t think I ever wanted the OW to “pay” until a few days ago when I found my drunken husband had messaged the OW a sexually explicit message in his drunken stupor. They haven’t seen each other in three years because she’s in another state. But I really wanted her to pay when I texted her that she could have him and then she texted back that maybe I should get lessons on sex and blow jobs so that maybe he’d think more of me and less of her. Now I wish she’d die. And now I, leaving my disgusting husband. Merry Christmas to me. I’m just so sad.
ReplyDeleteI'm so sorry, Kathy. That's devastating. You deserve so much better than either of them. That's the thing with cheaters. They don't choose someone better than us. They choose someone who doesn't make them feel so bad about themselves...because they're equally awful. Those comments to you were designed to hurt you but remember, it's not what others say to us that hurts, it's whether we choose to believe them.
DeleteOh my Elle
ReplyDeleteHow appropriate this is for me-and I'm sure so many of us.
Because my dumb ass ex is now with his affair skank, all I want is for both of them to suffer in any way possible, and for my ex, to suffer for a bloody long time.
Oh how I want for him and her to feel the pain of anything for what they did to me and my kids.
I don't know when that karma bus will hit him and all the hers who were a part of his cheating life, but I'm more focused on karma hitting him and his current skank, than all the other hers. I believe she's already started receiving some karma. She's a lot younger than him and he doesn't want any more kids - she does, or did want kids but he's had a vasectomy so there goes that dream for her.
And the kids have told me he's had a go at her abou things and she's just sat there and sooked. All I do is laugh, because I think "you wanted him skank, you got him - he's not my problem any more'.
And Elle, you are so right about treating a broken heart. Each heart beats differently so healing is on that persons time line.
And time is a great healer. As the days go by, I care less and less about what he's doing. Simply because what I hear from the kids is that he hasn't changed one bit and I don't miss his crappy personality at all.
He never cared about what he did to me or our family, so I have learned to heal my own wounds. Yes, the scars are deep, but they are just scars.
Hugs
Gabby xo
Merry Christmas Gabby. Glad you're still here. That Karma bus is following your ex and will likely pick up his skank too. Sounds like your heart is healing. Be well my secret sister.
DeleteGabby, Their punishment is each other. They've each chosen a selfish, self-centred fool for a partner.The best revenge you could exact is to leave them behind you.
DeleteThis! I have so much wanted to watch the karma bus plow right over the OW, however I'm smart enough to recognize that this won't really make me feel better about anything. In July 2019 I received an anonymous letter informing me that my husband of 34 years was cheating on me with a woman 21 years younger than him. Yep, a walking cliche he was. This has been the hardest thing I've ever had to deal with. To this day I can't wrap my head around who was this man who had such utter disregard for me, us, and our family. How could he spend time with her during the day and then come home at night to us as if nothing was going on? It's amazing to me that people can be so cruel to each other. She knew I existed and yet convinced herself that it was okay to sneak around with him because according to her "our chosen partners were not satisfying us." Oh, the lies they tell themselves to make it all okay. Quality people these OW are! Today, I still don't know if I am that woman who can stay married to a man who cheated and actually had a relationship with another while married to me. He is trying to do all of the right things. He is in counseling and open to anything I ask. He does show remorse. I'm just stuck at "why didn't you care enough about me when you were making that terrible decision to engage an affair?" I am still in this marriage, however I'm not really sure that I can stay. I am tired, so tired of this being my first thought when I awake and the last thought as I go to sleep. I just want my 'normal' life back. I can't wait for the day when I don't care about the OW and when this affair isn't a constant, perseverative, thought in my mind. Until then, I try to take it one day at a time and I do try to cherish the happy times with my family. I am so thankful that I've found this blog and the wonderful woman who post here. It has been a blessing to know that my feelings are shared by many and that I'm not walking this road alone. Thank you.
ReplyDeleteWendy,
DeleteI'm glad you found us too. And yes, the stories they tell themselves are truly delusional.
You get to decide whether you can stay in this marriage, whether he's doing all the right things or not. If you're not ready to decide yet, that's okay. It took me quite a few years to go from "I'll stay until I'm strong enough to leave" to "I'll stay because this is where I want to be". I had to see the changes in my husband, I had to feel that respect for him and all he was doing to work through his issues. But leaving would have been equally acceptable. Once they cheat, we owe them nothing. My husband had to earn back my respect and trust.
The day will come, Wendy, when you don't think of the affair constantly. But you can hasten that day by not indulging those thoughts as best you can. When you start going down that rabbit hole, distract yourself with something -- a book, TV, a walk outside, a phone call to a friend. Snap an elastic band on your wrist. Anything to train your brain to not go round and round with thoughts of what was.
In the meantime, as you've discovered, the women here are full of wisdom and compassion. You're among friends.
Your story is so like mine.
ReplyDeleteI never wanted revenge on her she did not know me she owed me nothing. He on the other hand owed me everything and came home to me his wife of 34 years the mother of his two kids the woman who stood at his side supporting him. I thought we were everything to each other and found out I was nothing.
56 yrs old affair with a 32 yr old 2 yrs older than his daughter. Still 5 yrs later turns my stomach. I will never understand it.
Luppylu, yes our stories sound similar. My husbands AP is a mere six years older than our oldest child. Yes, they owed us everything and they failed. I just commented to him the other day that I've been here, supporting him, for 35 years now and this is the treatment I get? He is now 60, I am 55 and she hasn't even hit her 40's yet. It is stomach turning and gut wrenching all at the same time. I'm curious, where are you now with your marriage. Have you been able to make it work? Wishing you the best.
DeleteHi Wendy
DeleteWe are still together. It is the hardest thing I have ever been through. My whole world has turned upside down. It took me a long time to accept it had happened I tried everything to rewrite it all. It happened why neither of us understand. Husband is like he used to be, me I am the different one I live in the moment today is ok. All our pre affair memories feel tainted as if they had meant as much to him as they did to me maybe he wouldn’t have forgot me and his son and daughter. We are ok but that is it ok. This site has helped me a lot but I know for me life will never be the safe secure life I thought I had. I hope you can find peace with it all. The pain does ease but it never goes away take care x
What really hurts me is I struggle living with him sometimes but I know I can’t live without him. He does not know this as I can’t let him think what he did will ever be ok with me. Keeping him at arms length is my defence
ReplyDeleteWendy so much of what you say first and last thought ring true with me and I am sure most of us here. It does stop with time, but it takes a long time. For me as his AP was only 2 yrs old than our daughter I really struggled with looking at my daughters body it sounds awful but if I went shopping with her and went into a changing room with her I would look at her and think the body was what he saw naked how could I compete at 53 then yrs old. But also how could he do it he was nothing more than a dirty old man I once even called him a pedo. Those type of feelings have gone now it is just how he could lie and act so normal that will always so with me. He accepts nothing he says is just accepted by me now. He says he understands what he did caused how I am with him. What I accept now is it is hard to live with him sometimes but would be harder to live without him. I will always be sad that he did not feel that way about me in as much as not do it cause he loved could not bear to lose me. I hope you find a way to move on and be happy with or without your h, whatever is right for you. Believe me I am happy now it is just a different happy that I create for myself confident in myself and total respect for the way I have and continue to live my life. Xx
ReplyDeleteInteresting that I never blamed her. I blamed him for having unbridled lust. I believe the reason is always LUST. Over the past 52 years, I have come to realize that when husbands break their marriage vows and commit adultery it is no different than a German Shepherd that notices a female dog in heat and jumps on her. This is my opinion, but it is very rare for a husband to cry and feel remorse and pain over destroying trust and defiling the marriage bed because (I sense) to him it is like taking a walk in the park or playing a sport and when done with his sexual deed, he just feels good and cannot possibly feel or understand that his wife's soul is shattered and dying a little more every day. It is an act of a lustful ego and disgusting pride that a husband does this. It is the ultimate form of selfishness. I am not speaking out of bitterness. They will swear on the Bible they did not do it until you are smarter than they are. I found out where his lust partner worked and tricked her. I went in and sat down and said "my husband told me that he is in love with you and wants a divorce and he wants me to leave and I am leaving. I hope you two have a great life together." She believed me and spilled the beans all about them and began to thank me for giving him to her. She was thrilled. She called my husband after I left to rejoice. Two hours later, my husband came storming in our house calling her every name in the book, that she had spilled the beans and fell for what I told her. He called her stupid and an idiot. I am sure she was crushed. That is how it happened that my husband had to admit it. The hardest part for me was to accept the fact that HE DID NOT LOVE ME. Love does not behave that way.
ReplyDeleteThe ruminating and intrusive thoughts last a lifetime, it seems. This is the AFTER battle. The visual pictures of him lusting after her. It is hellish.
ReplyDelete