How Hiring a Dog-Walker Taught me Valuable Lesson in Control (or "Why My Therapist Grew to Hate My Appointments")

How long are you going to wait before you demand the best for yourself? ~Epictetus

Many years ago, I watched Oprah at 4 p.m. on weekdays. One of her frequent guests was Dr. Phil. Dr. Phil had a question he routinely asked those who brought their problems to him. His question was this:

How's that working out for you?

It often struck me as cruel. Sneering. Dismissive.

It was, of course, a perfectly valid question. But it's one we don't want to hear, particularly when we're invested in the story we're telling ourselves about why our lives aren't what we want them to be. We want sympathy. We want gentle platitudes. When we're cataloguing all the ways in which we've been wronged and how we have zero avenues open to us to create change, the last thing we want to hear is some sneering guy on a talk-show dump cold water over our victimhood.

We've been wronged, dammit.

Can't you see that I did nothing to deserve this?

To which I say, fair enough. I believe you. But while those tightly-held convictions might be true, the question remains: How's that working out for you?

To which, if we're honest, the answer is probably, Not so great.

I bring this up because it's easy for us to get stuck in our perception of stuck-ness. I'm reminded of a conversation I had with my therapist many many years ago. My husband refused to walk the dogs that he insisted we get. I worked from home and was therefore well aware just how restless these un-exercised dogs were and so I would walk them, seething with resentment the whole time. I begged my husband to walk them. I pleaded with him. I appealed to his pity (I was pregnant and suffering morning/afternoon/evening sickness and each time I had to pick up stinky poop, I would vomit on our neighbors' lawns). Nope. Didn't work. He would grudgingly agree but then he just...wouldn't.

I took my grievance to my therapist who, I can only speculate in hindsight, must have dreaded my appointments. I mean, honestly, for fuck's sake. I have to listen to this?

But she would listen. And then one day, she said to me, You can't see a solution to this?

Of course, I could see a solution. Duh. The solution was my husband needed to do what I wanted him to do.

She did a poor job of hiding her rolling eyes. No. A solution that doesn't involve you trying to control something you can't control. A solution that involves you controlling what you can control.

Nope. I came up blank. Seriously. I couldn't think of a damn thing. I was so sure that the only solution to my dog-walking woes was for my husband to take care of the dogs he insisted we get. 

She sat back and sighed. Well, she said. I can think of a half-dozen solutions off the top of my head.

Seriously? What magic was this woman capable of?

Such as? I asked.

She sighed and, no doubt, calculated how much she was being paid to listen to me. Such as hiring a dog-walker, for a start.

But my husband doesn't want to pay someone to walk the dogs.

Yes, I actually said that. I thought that my husband's wants/needs were a barrier to me getting what I wanted/needed. He mattered. I didn't.

I think if she hadn't been a pacifist and professional, my therapist would have leaned over and smacked me in the head. God knows, I deserved it.

Well then, he has a choice. Either pay for the dog walker you hire or walk the dogs himself.

My mind was blown. This woman was a genius.

We had our dog walker until we had to pause because of COVID. My husband occasionally grumbled about the cost to which I responded, well, you're welcome to walk them yourself. But if  you won't, then we're keeping the dog walker. Even when we walked our dogs ourselves, which became more frequent, our dogs still got their daily walk with their beloved dog-walker. 

And we all lived happily ever after.

Mostly.

I see so many of you struggling with things that you can't control (ie. whether he goes to therapy, whether he discloses passwords, and so on) and ignoring what you can control (ie. what boundaries you set in place in order to stay in the marriage). I see so many of you waiting rather than demanding the best for yourself, as Epicetus cautions us not to do.

How long are you going to wait? he asks. 

Where did you learn to live on crumbs? Esther Perel asks.

Why are you protecting him from the consequences of his choices? I ask. Why is his need to not be challenged, or to not feel uncomfortable, or to not examine his fucked up childhood more important than your need to feel safe in the marriage, or to have emotional intimacy, or to feel valued and respected and heard?

I know these issues can't be solved by hiring a dog-walker. 

And I know that it hurts to hear How is that working out for you?

And I know that the consequences of you controlling what you can control (for instance, leaving a marriage in which your partner refuses to seek treatment for his addictions or anger issues or whatever) are more painful than shelling out a bit of money for someone to show up with dog leashes.

But if it's not working out for you, all the moaning in the world isn't going to change that. What will work? Prioritizing your needs. Thinking, as one brilliant secret sister put it, of me rather than we. 

You can spend the rest of your life wishing he would metaphorically walk the goddamn dogs. Or you can hire a metaphorical dog-walker (or actual lawyer, or actual therapist, or...) And he can either get on board or stay behind, wondering where you're going without him.