Hello everyone, I don’t understand all the abbreviations. I’m not very savvy. I found out 19 days ago that my husband has been unfaithful to me. I found graphic photos on his phone. He had put himself on a swinging website. I hate that I found out rather than him coming to me wracked with guilt. I’ve told him that if he can’t be fully honest with me, I will leave. It’s extremely hard as we are a military family, extremely far from home, friends and relatives. I have no one to talk to. No one to give me a hug. I have two children who are old enough that they would pick up on things but too young to be told anything. So I haven’t been able to crumble at all in front of them. I’ve had to be extra bright and merry because we are celebrating Christmas together. I can’t crumble, I have no one to give me a break. He has had very varied sexual experiences. His reasoning being, he didn’t feel loved by me anymore. My gut feeling is that he’s being honest, but I don’t know if I’m being a fool. I’m old fashioned and really believe in my marriage vows, I will only stay however, if he is working at least as hard as me to make it work. He says the reason he chose to do this because is because he still loves me so he didn’t want an emotional affair but needed to feel wanted. We got counselling straight away, we’ve had two joint sessions and one single session. It’s so raw and new. Any advice gratefully received.
I'm so sorry for what you're going through but glad you found us. If possible, please find a counsellor for you alone. You need a place where you don't have to "hold it together", where you can fall apart and there's something there for support and compassion. Right now, it's about getting through the shock, which I know it so hard, especially during the holidays (I found out about my H's affair on December 10 so I remember how horrible that year's Christmas was. I too had young kids. So...give yourself time to absorb this. Focus on what you can do to keep yourself okay -- counselling, time alone, if necessary, exercise, hobbies...whatever you can do. Make sure to eat as well as you can. Try and sleep. And yes, your boundaries are good. He needs to get clear on why he risked his marriage for people who don't matter. Whether or not he "felt loved", isn't an excuse to cheat. So his job is to better understand what he was telling himself that somehow made it okay in his mind to cheat. He'll either step up and show you he's worth a second chance or he won't. But I hope you won't waver on your boundaries. He needs to be doing the heavy lifting to heal himself and support you as you heal. Hang in there, Anonymous. It does get easier but takes a whole lot longer than any of us would like.
Thank you so much for this. You are my hope that I can get through this. It’s hard to find many stories of marriages surviving after this. I really want mine to. I’m not afraid to be on my own though. I do still love him and I do want a family unit and for my children to grow up with their parents together but only if we can be as steady and happy as possible for them. I don’t know what to do about sex, I’m not having any of the urges early on that I’ve heard about. I want to hug him and be intimate eventually but he seems so tarnished by the other people to me. And also I’m curious what you and other people think about not sharing the truth with others. I’m being recommended to keep it between us and the counsellor. I do understand why. But it’s so hard in reality. The other day my sister told me over FaceTime that I was so lucky to have such an amazing husband. I wear my heart on my sleeve and it was so hard not to give anything away. It’s weighing heavily on me to keep it to myself and yet I feel so trapped as I know talking to others could make it so much harder too. Sometimes I feel strong and other times I feel like I’m falling apart. Xx
Sex is a tough one. I know that feeling well of seeing him as somehow...gross...because of the cheating. Watching your husband do the hard work of being a better guy might help. And intimacy isn't, of course, exclusively about sex so you can be intimate with each other until you feel ready for sex. As for talking with people -- it can feel so good to share with someone you can trust. The catch, however, is that sometimes we are ready to forgive/move on and they just...aren't. So I generally just advise people to be careful about who they tell. I remember one friend in particular who routinely told me how "lucky" I was. I wanted to scream. What I ended up saying to her (and anyone else) was "Marriage is really tough and "luck" is usually the product of a lot of hard work". You can probably come up with something along those lines -- in which you feel as though you're not being dishonest while also not feeling as though you have to make anyone privy to the whole story. You are stronger than you know, even when you don't feel it. You'll get through this. Keep your focus on you and your healing and chart your own way forward. There are many marriages that are rebuilt from the ashes of betrayal.
I can’t thank you enough for these replies. You must be incredibly strong to have been through it and then manage to reply and give advice to so many people. I worry for you that it opens old wounds when you have to read about other peoples hurt and betrayal. Your responses are so full of wisdom, reality and compassion though, so as long as you aren’t burning yourself out by responding, please know they are so gratefully received. I am finding myself wanting to rise from the ashes and kind of cleanse us both with a fresh start. I can imagine I sound very naive. I have to throw myself wholeheartedly into rebuilding trust and faith and if he trampled on that again that is it. He is answering any questions I want answered at any time of the day or night. Agreeing to talk to the counsellor with me or separately, He’s deleted everything from his phone and stopped looking at porn (I don’t know if it is realistic to go cold turkey in that way?). It’s like he got desensitised to the porn and had to keep searching for the next thrill. It worries me for the children’s future, I hate how accessible porn is. I don’t want to be a prude about it. I knew he sometimes watched it, but it’s scary how desensitised people become. I am prepared to work on myself too but he is aware that he has to work extra hard. At the moment I’m getting the right signs that he’s committed to trying to right the wrongs he did as much as is possible. I imagine there’s a ‘honeymoon’ period to this and they quickly get comfortable and try less hard? I will find it hard not to get angry then. I have no anger towards the people he cheated on me with (3 couples and one single lady) he told them he was single. I find it hard to comprehend wanting to be on a swingers site but if they aren’t hurting anyone, that’s up to them. The photos I’ve seen flash through my mind a lot and I am comparing myself to their bodies, and finding it very hard to imagine I’ll ever feel comfortable with having passionate sex with him again. My grandfather’s saying keeps going through my head, ‘What a tangled web we weave when we practice to deceive’. So true! What a mess! I can tell he’s so shocked by the multiple knock on effects. He really did go into his own bubble and now the bubble has burst, he seems in shock by the reality of what he’s done. The big thing I’m learning is how unbelievably different men and women are. I hope I don’t sound sexist. I know there are always exceptions. But I really do feel like he’s from Mars and I’m from Venus at the moment. I’m totally staggered by how he managed to lie and compartmentalise the guilt for about a year. Thank you again Elle, I hope you had a good Christmas.
Porn absolutely desensitizes people and, yes, they can then need more of a thrill. And yes, he can go cold turkey but it absolutely helps if he has a 12-step group or other type of support/community. And yes, a lot of the time, these guys are shocked by what actually happens when their wives find out. They had convinced themselves that "nobody" would get hurt. And the depth of the hurt is a shock too. They anticipate anger but rarely the deep deep pain.
Oh, and please don't worry about me. This site has done far more to help me heal than just about anything else. There is such strength in community. And if I can use what I've gone through to help others through then it feels like my pain has been valuable. So no...it doesn't keep me stuck at all. Rather it reminds me how far I've come.
Hello everyone,
ReplyDeleteI don’t understand all the abbreviations. I’m not very savvy. I found out 19 days ago that my husband has been unfaithful to me. I found graphic photos on his phone. He had put himself on a swinging website. I hate that I found out rather than him coming to me wracked with guilt. I’ve told him that if he can’t be fully honest with me, I will leave. It’s extremely hard as we are a military family, extremely far from home, friends and relatives. I have no one to talk to. No one to give me a hug. I have two children who are old enough that they would pick up on things but too young to be told anything. So I haven’t been able to crumble at all in front of them. I’ve had to be extra bright and merry because we are celebrating Christmas together. I can’t crumble, I have no one to give me a break. He has had very varied sexual experiences. His reasoning being, he didn’t feel loved by me anymore. My gut feeling is that he’s being honest, but I don’t know if I’m being a fool. I’m old fashioned and really believe in my marriage vows, I will only stay however, if he is working at least as hard as me to make it work. He says the reason he chose to do this because is because he still loves me so he didn’t want an emotional affair but needed to feel wanted. We got counselling straight away, we’ve had two joint sessions and one single session. It’s so raw and new. Any advice gratefully received.
I'm so sorry for what you're going through but glad you found us. If possible, please find a counsellor for you alone. You need a place where you don't have to "hold it together", where you can fall apart and there's something there for support and compassion. Right now, it's about getting through the shock, which I know it so hard, especially during the holidays (I found out about my H's affair on December 10 so I remember how horrible that year's Christmas was. I too had young kids.
DeleteSo...give yourself time to absorb this. Focus on what you can do to keep yourself okay -- counselling, time alone, if necessary, exercise, hobbies...whatever you can do. Make sure to eat as well as you can. Try and sleep.
And yes, your boundaries are good. He needs to get clear on why he risked his marriage for people who don't matter. Whether or not he "felt loved", isn't an excuse to cheat. So his job is to better understand what he was telling himself that somehow made it okay in his mind to cheat. He'll either step up and show you he's worth a second chance or he won't. But I hope you won't waver on your boundaries. He needs to be doing the heavy lifting to heal himself and support you as you heal.
Hang in there, Anonymous. It does get easier but takes a whole lot longer than any of us would like.
Thank you so much for this. You are my hope that I can get through this. It’s hard to find many stories of marriages surviving after this. I really want mine to. I’m not afraid to be on my own though. I do still love him and I do want a family unit and for my children to grow up with their parents together but only if we can be as steady and happy as possible for them.
DeleteI don’t know what to do about sex, I’m not having any of the urges early on that I’ve heard about. I want to hug him and be intimate eventually but he seems so tarnished by the other people to me. And also I’m curious what you and other people think about not sharing the truth with others. I’m being recommended to keep it between us and the counsellor. I do understand why. But it’s so hard in reality. The other day my sister told me over FaceTime that I was so lucky to have such an amazing husband. I wear my heart on my sleeve and it was so hard not to give anything away. It’s weighing heavily on me to keep it to myself and yet I feel so trapped as I know talking to others could make it so much harder too. Sometimes I feel strong and other times I feel like I’m falling apart. Xx
Sex is a tough one. I know that feeling well of seeing him as somehow...gross...because of the cheating. Watching your husband do the hard work of being a better guy might help. And intimacy isn't, of course, exclusively about sex so you can be intimate with each other until you feel ready for sex.
DeleteAs for talking with people -- it can feel so good to share with someone you can trust. The catch, however, is that sometimes we are ready to forgive/move on and they just...aren't. So I generally just advise people to be careful about who they tell. I remember one friend in particular who routinely told me how "lucky" I was. I wanted to scream. What I ended up saying to her (and anyone else) was "Marriage is really tough and "luck" is usually the product of a lot of hard work". You can probably come up with something along those lines -- in which you feel as though you're not being dishonest while also not feeling as though you have to make anyone privy to the whole story.
You are stronger than you know, even when you don't feel it. You'll get through this. Keep your focus on you and your healing and chart your own way forward. There are many marriages that are rebuilt from the ashes of betrayal.
Can girlfriends join this club
ReplyDeleteYep. And husbands and boyfriends too. Anyone who's been cheated on and wants community to help them heal.
DeleteI can’t thank you enough for these replies. You must be incredibly strong to have been through it and then manage to reply and give advice to so many people. I worry for you that it opens old wounds when you have to read about other peoples hurt and betrayal. Your responses are so full of wisdom, reality and compassion though, so as long as you aren’t burning yourself out by responding, please know they are so gratefully received.
ReplyDeleteI am finding myself wanting to rise from the ashes and kind of cleanse us both with a fresh start. I can imagine I sound very naive. I have to throw myself wholeheartedly into rebuilding trust and faith and if he trampled on that again that is it. He is answering any questions I want answered at any time of the day or night. Agreeing to talk to the counsellor with me or separately, He’s deleted everything from his phone and stopped looking at porn (I don’t know if it is realistic to go cold turkey in that way?). It’s like he got desensitised to the porn and had to keep searching for the next thrill. It worries me for the children’s future, I hate how accessible porn is. I don’t want to be a prude about it. I knew he sometimes watched it, but it’s scary how desensitised people become.
I am prepared to work on myself too but he is aware that he has to work extra hard. At the moment I’m getting the right signs that he’s committed to trying to right the wrongs he did as much as is possible. I imagine there’s a ‘honeymoon’ period to this and they quickly get comfortable and try less hard? I will find it hard not to get angry then. I have no anger towards the people he cheated on me with (3 couples and one single lady) he told them he was single. I find it hard to comprehend wanting to be on a swingers site but if they aren’t hurting anyone, that’s up to them. The photos I’ve seen flash through my mind a lot and I am comparing myself to their bodies, and finding it very hard to imagine I’ll ever feel comfortable with having passionate sex with him again.
My grandfather’s saying keeps going through my head,
‘What a tangled web we weave when we practice to deceive’. So true! What a mess! I can tell he’s so shocked by the multiple knock on effects. He really did go into his own bubble and now the bubble has burst, he seems in shock by the reality of what he’s done.
The big thing I’m learning is how unbelievably different men and women are. I hope I don’t sound sexist. I know there are always exceptions. But I really do feel like he’s from Mars and I’m from Venus at the moment. I’m totally staggered by how he managed to lie and compartmentalise the guilt for about a year.
Thank you again Elle, I hope you had a good Christmas.
Porn absolutely desensitizes people and, yes, they can then need more of a thrill. And yes, he can go cold turkey but it absolutely helps if he has a 12-step group or other type of support/community.
DeleteAnd yes, a lot of the time, these guys are shocked by what actually happens when their wives find out. They had convinced themselves that "nobody" would get hurt. And the depth of the hurt is a shock too. They anticipate anger but rarely the deep deep pain.
Oh, and please don't worry about me. This site has done far more to help me heal than just about anything else. There is such strength in community. And if I can use what I've gone through to help others through then it feels like my pain has been valuable. So no...it doesn't keep me stuck at all. Rather it reminds me how far I've come.
Delete