I don't know about you but no matter how much I recognize the value in and need for boundaries, I still struggle. Years and years of being a pleaser has made "sure, I can do that" or "that's okay" my reflexive response to pretty much anything. You didn't have time to do that one thing I asked you to do? "That's okay." You need me to finish up a job for you? "Sure, I can do that."
Just this morning, I agreed to pay $40 at the dentist for a fluoride treatment that I kinda think is a gimmick because I wanted to be agreeable. Dammit, right?
I'm getting better. I'm learning to build in a pause before I respond. Though it almost pains me, I now (mostly!) say, "let me think about that" when I'm being asked to do something that I'm not sure I want to. Too often, I don't know what I feel about something until I sit with it. My desire to please others remains, in the moment, stronger than my desire to please myself. But if I give myself that moment, if I allow myself time to check in with myself, then I remember: My job is to keep myself safe and my relationships free of resentment. And I can't do that when I'm agreeing to things that are disagreeable to me, or when I'm letting people off the hook for letting me down.
And so, here we are again: Boundaries.
Let's revisit what boundaries are not:
People think boundaries are a wall or moat around your heart, but they’re not
So what are they?
Good boundaries are a drawbridge to self-respect.
~also Brené Brown
Put another way, boundaries are about behaviours, not people.
Put another, another way: Our problem isn't with the people in our lives, necessarily. It's with what they are/are not doing. And when we keep our focus on their behaviour and not on them personally, it's a lot easier to understand how to keep ourselves safe and to have the necessary conversation. These people can still be welcome in our lives but we can put limits on what we will and will not tolerate from them.
What's more, boundaries can change. What feels unacceptable to you right now (going to your husband's company BBQ because he cheated with his assistant) might feel acceptable in a year, or two, or three. In my case, I put limits on how often I saw my husband's family after D-Day. I found them critical and cruel and I decided I no longer would put myself through that. With time, I was able to see them more often while still respecting my limitations.
Boundaries confuse a lot of people because they feel dictatorial. Or selfish. But let's let Brené Brown's words be our guide. They are not a wall or a moat, they are a drawbridge to our self-respect. What do you need to be respectful of ourselves?
•People may not _______________ (For me: People may not lie to me or be dishonest by omission)
•I have a right to ask for ________ (I have a right to ask for honesty)
• It’s okay for me to _______________ (It’s okay for me to say no to things I don't want to do or to take time to figure out what I want to do)
What might you add? I have the right to ask for...what I need to heal (counselling, a separation, a babysitter for time away). People may not...consistently be late. It's okay for me to...prioritize my needs.
It's hard if you don't have a lot of practice. And far too many of us have spent a lifetime squelching our own wants and needs to the point that we often can't identify what ours are. What makes me happy? Well, when everyone else is happy. Sad, huh?
But, I'm learning. Slowly. But I'm learning.
Stay tuned for a post on consequences. What they are and what they're not. Inspired by a Twitter conversation!
The Chapter on boundaries in Lysa Terkeurst's book "Forgiving What You Can't Forget" is also very good! She said that "Boundaries are not to push others away. They are to hold me together." It was a great book, especially if you are a Christian, but even if you're not, there are good things to glean from it.
ReplyDeleteIs there anyway to communicate more regularly with any other women on here? I am over two years out from d-day. Was flipping through my husband's sketchbook and came across a paragraph he wrote TODAY about how much he loved how the AP (a close friend of mine) made him feel, she "adored" him, and "the sex was amazing". We've done so much work these past two years, and reading this shit - over two years out from the end of their affair - makes me question all our work. Questioning if it's worth it. If HE is worth my time. Feeling very, very alone.
ReplyDeleteAnonymous,
DeleteI am so so sorry. What a blow!
I'm not sure what to say...it sounds as though he's still enamoured with the feeling he had. Not with her, per se, but how he felt, which, though he may not yet realize it, is within himself.
However, I'm not sure that helps much.
As for more regular communication -- I've thought a lot about this because I can see how valuable it would be. I've considered a few options but I always come back to a) my lack of tech skills and b) the potential for abuse if I'm not constantly moderating. I have put people in touch before when two people have connected online and they want to take it offline. But it's rare.
I know a woman who started a support group in Houston to create exactly the type of anonymous help she wanted.
I've also had a couple of people reach out to me and essentially hire me to "coach" them.
There used to be a fantastic phone resource but it died due to lack of funding. If you have any ideas, I'm certainly open to them.
It's so important to have someone to share our pain with. Are you in therapy?
As for your marriage, I would be questioning it too. I think I would also be very very curious about what my husband had to say about it.
Hi Elle. The husband was directed by his therapist to daily journal about ruminations and such to help track his thought life - looking for triggers and patterns. I happened to stumble across it. I can just hear a certain group of betrayed women on the interwebs chastising me to drop him like a hot potato and questioning why I've stayed this long. And it's discouraging when friends I consider good and wise say things like "pretty sure I couldn't stay..." The fact that a partner might long for someone outside the marriage doesn't scare me that much (I have) - but my husband ACTED on that longing. So things are different now. Is it normal to be over two years out from discovery and still completely boggled by it all?
DeleteWhich brings me to ideas about how to foster more connection. (why does ChumpLady have sooo many comments?? I appreciate some of the empowerment her posts and commenters bring but things seem pretty bitter and rigid over there...) Yes, I'm in therapy, but would love to have some reciprocal conversations with women who have walked this road and healed. I'm curious to know if women who have experienced a double betrayal have actually stayed married to their husbands and had a healthier relationship. People say it's possible. Really? I want to talk to as many of these people as I can. I want to know it's worth the struggle.
Dear Anon,
DeleteI am offering you some info on my situation and some of the things I did to move through my husband's disclosure. I hit the 6 year D-day in mid June and we are still together. My husband did a lot of things in the aftermath of his blowing up my life with his disclosure. The two things he says that helped the most were reading the book by George Collins called "Breaking the Cycle" and taking an 8 week class on Meditation for Addicts. The class was taught by his therapist at the time. In therapy he was able to admit to himself and then to me, that his childhood was not the lovely suburban S.Cal life he presented but was filled with awful neglect, abuse (emotional and sexual) and an early introduction to porn and inappropriate touch by many cousins. He struggled mightily to accept the truths he fought to hide and deny and was (probably still is) a master at compartmentalizing his life and everything in it. I only had the marriage I thought I had in my own mind and my reality but there was another whole script and life going on with him that I had no idea about. We have been married over 40 years. The magic is gone. I see him now for who he is and that is the broken and hopefully healing man who was traumatized from a young age, beginning at birth. Making sense of that life with a narcissistic mother and absent, neglectful and demanding father who had a hair-trigger temper. It continues to be a work in progress. My husband had sex with a secretary twice early in our marriage and then spent the good part of the 10 or so years prior to disclosure with prostitutes while out of town. That still just disgusts me. He says it disgusts him too. We are compatible and get along well. I no longer do anything I don't want to do and I am happy with doing things I want regardless of what he wants. He is grateful I let him stay. We are retired now and living in a warm place in the winter. We play golf and swim and dance and go to live concerts together. We never did much together before this except kids and grandkids. I was so unhappy. It's not a bad life. I don't love him like I did before the magic died but I am happy. I am happy because I don't really care how he feels anymore about what makes me happy. He can join me or not. That is the big difference between then and now. He wants this connection because he has learned to trust me and trust himself.We rarely talk about his past anymore but when I do get triggered or the news brings up stuff related to what he did, we talk about it a little if I need to. He never likes that but I don't care. If I need to talk about it I do. That makes me happy.
I have also tried to find some kind of support group to be able to talk or email with someone who is going through the same thing. This blog is great and does help but being able to communicate on a regular basis with someone and check it would be huge in the healing process.
ReplyDeleteAgreed!
DeleteRetrouvaille is a great peer support group. It does not matter what religion you are. It really helps. It helps to know you are not alone and couples in your area will give you their contact number so you can get advice as they have overcame issues in their marriage..most of which was infidelity.
ReplyDelete