Last week, Susan, one of our secret sisters, noted how much difficulty she's having looking herself in the eye. She feels ashamed at staying with her unfaithful husband. She feels pathetic and weak and like, if she had any dignity, she would be out the door.
It's a state I'm familiar with. I, too, spent many weeks/months beating myself up for staying. I told myself I was staying for the kids, at least for now. I told myself that I could leave any time (and I could!). I told myself I just needed to rest until I felt ready to leave.
And all of this was true. But it wasn't the whole story. Because underscoring all those things I was telling myself was this truth: I wanted to stay.
Wanting to stay in a marriage with someone who cheated on you is, shall we say, frowned on in our culture. We all know the tropes: Cheaters are assholes who must pay for what they did. Women who stay are those who agree to "look the other way", who "put up with it". Men who aren't left humiliated are undoubtedly going to do it again because they haven't paid a price for their sins. It's baked into our culture, our songs, our stories.
It's wrong.
We see it here all the time. Incredible strong women who are willing to give their partners another chance but under the strict maxim, "My heartbreak, my rules."
I asked these incredible women to share with Susan how they see their choice to stay (or leave). As usual, they showed up and revealed their wisdom, their integrity and their compassion.
So, to Susan, and anyone else struggling to reconcile their desire to stay with their belief (whether their own or culturally prescribed) that strong women leave...read on:
💪 Strong women listen to their own hearts and voice. Its the hardest thing I have ever done.
❤️ There's no one answer. All the details matter. Healthy women deal with whatever life throws them. No one wants to be betrayed but it happens. Some can move on with, some not. Either is okay.
💪 Perfect. You have to get to know yourself, what you think you can do, and what your spouse is capable of in terms of change. It’s hard. But so is leaving.
❤️ I stayed and i am now one of the strongest women i know. Leaving would have made me strong too , single and strong. But married with my family in tact took just as much strength.
💪 It takes a strong woman not make a knee jerk decision to leave.
A mature adult lets the dust settle and makes a decision that is right for her (& her kids).
💪 Staying also takes a lot strength. It’s just focused differently then leaving. There is nothing weak in trying to figure out what is right for yourself after your world has been blown apart. Better clearer choices can be made as the dust settles.
Strong women are the ones who find & know their self worth, regardless of whether they stay or leave.
💪 Strong people face the truth and make the right decision for them.
I would tell her that having a big heart and deep love for her SO isn’t weakness. It takes strength to stay and face the pain, and work through it day after day. It takes strength to still try and see the good in this person. And It also takes strength to leave.
💪 My husband's AP's family and friends told me I was dumb. I stayed with a cheater. She tried everything to break up our family knowing how hard it was for me to stay. I had to forgive the ultimate sin and take everyone's crap and swallow it. That takes strength. It takes someone brave and bold to do the hardest thing. And I didn't settle. I made the choice. I didn't just go back because I didn't have any other options. I made the choice because it is what was right for me. And anyone who judges is a c@#t.
❤️ She definitely should not “put up with it”. To stay, she needs to go for recovery...and that’s not putting up with it. It’s staying with a plan. It takes strength & courage as you all know. Courage to face society’s & oneself’s judgement and to heal with the one who hurt her...
💪 I think it takes a very strong woman/man to stay and put in the work to try and repair their marriage and rebuild trust. This is the hardest thing I’ve ever done in my 53 yrs. I hope she reads all of these because she is SUPER STRONG!!!
❤️ She isn’t weak for staying. It takes a lot of strength to navigate this bs. However- the fact she’s having second thoughts about staying and sees herself as weak is something she should explore. If she’s staying out of fear of being alone, for example.
💪 1) She has to like her own reasons for staying 2)she has to have her own back on her decision 3) cultural myth is nothing. This is her life. She gets to make the rules
❤️ It’s her life; she should do what she wants to do.
💪 Staying and putting in the work for a new marriage is SO much harder for betrayer & betrayed. Walking away isn’t easy & still requires years of healing but deciding to stay & become different & better requires strength; willingness to learn & grow, daily forgiveness, & hard work.
❤️ I have faced many people who would not do what I have done. Shown some compassion to a man who is truly sorry for his actions.
💪 Put herself first whether that means staying or going.
❤️ Staying takes far more strength than leaving. You have to be able to look past the lying, the deceit, the anger, the hate, the devastation, the destruction of your confidence and certainty and rebuild yourself and your relationship. You have to forgive without bitterness. But stay because you believe that it is the right thing to do for you or your family. Don't stay to meet other people's expectations and beliefs. If you stay, know that you will be stronger than you were before. Finally love and hugs from us. We know how hard it is.
💪 This is something I struggle with immensely too. Ppl are complex. Lives are complex. Love can survive & grow through adversity. The strongest people are those who can hold pain in their hearts & STILL stay someone who caused it. That's radical acceptance & love. Fk what ppl think
