Guest Post: The Things I Learned from the Betrayed Wives Club

by StillStanding1

Dear friends, I know it’s been a while.  I feel like an alum coming back to campus after a long stretch of being away post-graduation. I’ve been thinking a lot about the BWC lately (a friend of a friend is going through a terrible time with a soon-to-be-ex husband who is in affair lala-land and making her life as difficult as possible and we’ve been chatting; some other friends are going through parallel and similarly difficult times; and some new and exciting but challenging times for me) and it got me thinking about all the wonderful gifts I’ve received from participating in this unique and incredible space.

Compassion – I’m talking about compassion for self. This has been life-altering for me. I used to walk around absolutely hating myself. Everything that I did not succeed at meant that I was a complete and utter failure. And then my husband cheated, and I found out. I searched for something, anything to help with the agony. I landed here. Thank goodness and saints be praised. Here I learned that no one was going to know how to be kind to me, if I wasn’t first kind to myself. I learned that no matter how great I was or how hard I worked or how perfect or sexy or whatever I was, I was not going to change the other person. I learned that it was okay to focus on me, to be patient, to be kind and gentle with myself. To let myself rest when I needed. To recognize that some days, getting to the end of it still breathing is a win. And I noticed that my kindness to myself also changed and increased my ability to be kind to others and meet them where they are. This continues to be a lifelong practice, I think. Compassion for self was, for me, the first huge step on the path of recovering from my partner’s infidelity and the collapse of my marriage.

Forgiveness – I learned here that forgiveness is a slippery changeable thing and more importantly, that I am not required to extend it before I am ready. I also learned that rushing to forgiveness does not fix or resolve the thing that begs forgiveness. It's actually the other way around. When the person has done the work, fixed or resolved the thing that has done me harm, then and only then could I open to forgiveness and letting that person have space in my life. I also learned that forgiveness is for me and not for the other person. It is about letting a thing go so it no longer harms me, even if that person has not done the work. It is not about them deserving it. It is about me deserving to be free of the past. Likewise, I learned the power of facing down, owning and integrating my past, forgiving myself for terrible, hurtful choices I’ve made and recognizing that I don’t have to be held captive by a past forever. Finally, I’ve learned that forgiveness is not a destination. It’s not a once and done (at least not for me) but a place I pass through over and over.

Boundaries – It is so hard to sum up the power and impact of boundaries. Elle has written about this so many times because it is so incredibly critical, especially in the wake of infidelity. I learned that it is okay to recognize that I am separate from the people in my life, that there is a place where they stop, and I begin. It was about recognizing when a situation was not healthy for me and removing myself from it and (super important) not taking responsibility for how the other person was going to feel about it. I’ve stopped trying to curate the life experiences for people in my life, including my children. It is not my job to absorb all of life’s blows, so the people around me suffer less. I’m not a human sacrifice. It’s been about treating myself, my body, my time and my needs as if they matter. Because they do. And not apologizing for it and not justifying it.

Saying No – this is boundaries part 2. I learned here that it is okay to say no to things I don’t want to do. That I don’t have to say yes to things that aren’t right for me in order to prove my worth. That I don’t have to let others’ choices, wants and needs dictate the course of my life.  I learned that I don’t have to fix things that aren’t mine to fix. I can say no to old habits, behaviors, situations and people who no longer serve my best interests. I learned that I don’t have to qualify, explain, or otherwise justify my no. I don’t have to suffer to earn the right to say no. I can just say no. No thank you, I’m not baking 10K cookies for the school bake sale. No thank you, I am not hanging out with you and all your drunk friends. I learned that no is not about controlling other people. It’s simply about choosing myself.

Trusting Myself – boundaries part 3. One of the big eye openers for me was learning that my body, on some level, had been warning me, for a long time, that something in my environment was just not right. We are taught, by society, by partners or family members, or co-worker that want us to just sit quietly in our corners, that our intuition is fake. That we are crazy. Everything is fine. Turns out it isn’t. Our nervous systems are highly tuned, super powerful, precision early warning systems. I learned here that if something doesn’t feel right, it probably isn’t. If I feel anxious in a situation, I need to get curious rather than dismiss what I am feeling. It’s become an incredibly powerful tool. I’ve also learned that I can trust myself with money and to be able to provide for my family. That I can know what is best for me in both work and personal life and walk away from things, people, clients that are sucking the joy from my life. I know that there will be both good days and bad days in the future and that I will be able to handle whatever comes.

Self-Acceptance – After working on my stuff and self for so long and learning about self-compassion and boundaries and so many things here, I’ve discovered that I like myself. I’m actually pretty cool to hang out with. That I am me and flawed and kooky in myown ways, fussy, creative, sensitive, strong, brooding, loving, joyful, and deserving of love. I am neither too much nor not enough. I learned that I deserve love without having to hustle for it or otherwise earn it. I’ve learned that I am okay as I am and that I can finally stop treating myself like a project.

Courage – I learned what courage means every time I come to this site. You are all my heroes. Everyone of us who is here wrestling with devastation, heartbreak, trauma; you are all so brave. Bravery can be taking back a remorseful partner even though we are terrified we’ll be hurt again. Bravery can be extending grace to ourselves and each other. Bravery is surviving another day, hour, minute. Bravery can be choosing to leave, even though it is excruciating.  Courage is choosing ourselves over and over, even if it means losing some people.  Courage is trusting that we, our own selves, can take care of ourselves.  Courage is taking any first step, away from a thing that no longer serves us and toward a terrifying and open, clean slate.

Love – Finally, I’ve received the gift of love from so many of you on this site. When I think about it, it fills me up. I’ve learned that love is a lot different than what I saw or experienced growing up. That love we see in books and tv and movies is not what real love feels like. I’ve learned that all different kinds of love can fill our cups, but that no one else is going to be able to love us to wholeness. I need to fill those parts of myself first and then I’m ready to receive love. I have learned here that someone’s inability to love us is about their inability to love and not about how worthy I am of love.  I have learned that the way I want to approach the rest of my time on this earth is from a place of love. And I don’t mean that I love everything and everyone indiscriminately. I’ve learned to be a warrior here too. And that often means standing up for myself and others, fighting good fights when called to, but always with love in my heart.

With gratitude, stand tall warriors! XOXO Still Standing1