Friday, July 19, 2019

Guest Post: What One Year Has Taught Me

by Chinook

Exactly one year ago today, I found some texts on my husband’s phone that just didn’t make sense. That moment was a knife that sliced my life apart. Before. After.

Elle calls them “anti-versaries” and I have spent some time over the past few weeks wondering how I wanted to spend this terrible first anti-versary day. Champagne with girlfriends? Spa day on my own? Something romantic with the new guy I’m seeing? (Spoiler alert: It’s my husband.)

Then a few days ago, a woman in terrible pain left a message on this site asking for help, and it was like a dam bursting: Everything I had to say in response to the questions she asked came flooding out in a thunderous torrent. Today, my first anti-versary, I am posting it for you to read.

None of this is advice. None of this is prescriptive. I just find it sometimes helps to know what other people see from their side of the table. This is what I have lived through. These are the lessons it has taught me so far. May it be of use to you.


#1. ANGER.

When the shock wore off (which took about 12 hours), I didn’t just have anger, I had violent rage. Violent. Rage. A spirit animal — a bird of fire — came and inhabited my body. I packed a bag and walked out, leaving my husband with our two little children and with no indication of when or if I’d be back. My anger was so furious that separation was the safest thing for both of us. That’s when my husband realized just how catastrophic his choices were. That was his rock bottom.

Thank God for that anger. The anger is what carried me through. 

But in short order, anger becomes toxic. After three days, I could feel the rage starting to poison me, so I thanked the Fire Bird and invited it to go inhabit the next woman whose life had cracked open and who was in danger of falling into the abyss. I returned to my life to start sorting things out. The anger remained with me for a long time, and sometimes it did flare into rage, but from that point on, I made a conscious choice to not let it take root in my heart. 



#2. PAIN. 

The pain was more intense than any pain I have ever felt. I gave birth without an epidural or any kind of pain control, and I swear, this was the same level of pain, but sustained. For weeks.

That pain shattered the person I was, which made way for the person I became.


#3. SURVIVING MINUTE TO MINUTE. 

In those early days, the book “When Things Fall Apart” by Pema Chödrön was recommended to me by a friend. It changed everything. It taught me that instead of running from my pain, I should sit with it and see what it had to teach me. 

I took Pema Chödrön’s advice and, when I suddenly looked up at a random moment to see a tsunami of grief crashing down on me, I entered the texture of the moment, and breathed. I noticed the color of the sky, the shape of the leaves, the texture of my child’s hair, the softness of the pillows at my side. I stayed in the moment. Breathed. Gradually, the pain would lessen. It was terribly difficult but I persisted. And every time the tsunami bore down on me anew, it was slightly smaller.

This is how I survived the pain.


#4. THE MOST TRAUMATIZING THING OF ALL.

In some desperate bid to stuff the genie back in the bottle, my husband lied about the extent of his affair every day for weeks. He would swear he had told me the whole truth (which was a lie), only for me to find some credit card statement that didn’t make sense, or some app on his phone with data that seemed off. Confronted, realizing he had no escape, he would cop to this new piece of information, triggering a panic attack in me. “But this is it!” he would swear. “I’ve told you everything now!” 

But he never had. It was like having the floor shift beneath my feet. Like vertigo. “Trickle truth” is the quaint term for this, or even “staggered reveal”. But really, it’s just ongoing betrayal and  it was far more traumatizing than the affair itself.

I had heard of the term “post-traumatic stress” before. I had not yet heard of the term “post-traumatic growth”.


#5. WHAT COURAGE LOOKS LIKE.

As a society, by and large, we only value loud courage, the action hero kind of courage. Punching. Shouting. Kicking him out. Calling a lawyer. Going it alone. 
We don’t value (or even recognize) the silent kinds of courage. The courage to find compassion for yourself and others. The courage to really feel the pain. The courage to use that pain as rocket fuel to power extraordinary growth. The courage to shield our children. The courage of grace. The courage to become our own alchemists, spinning our grief into golden wisdom.

I know so many wise women. Every single one of them has known deep pain.


#6. MAKING THE HARD, HEALTHY CHOICES. 

After the first few weeks of shock and body-shaking sobbing and furious anger, I realized that I would have to actively rewire my brain to prevent all my unhealthy thoughts and feelings from creating entrenched neural pathways. I knew the anger would poison me. I knew that trolling the other woman’s social media would make me hurt more. I knew that drinking a bottle of wine every night was just making things worse. I knew that the more I thought “poor me”, the more self-pity would feel natural.

And so, I forced myself to make the hard, healthy choices. When the angry thoughts came in, I actively blocked them. When angry feelings erupted, I deliberately calmed my heart rate. When self-pity gripped me, I forced myself to feel gratitude. When I wanted to check the other woman’s Instagram, I opened a fast-paced fiction novel instead. 

I forced myself to make these choices. Forced. It was an act of will. And for a long time, it felt like it wasn’t helping at all. I was still so angry. I was still so consumed by the injustice of it all. I still obsessed over the other woman. But I kept on doing it. 

Now, a year later, my mind and heart are peaceful places in which I want to spend time.


#7. WHAT HURT(S) THE MOST.

Unlike many women I’ve heard from, I knew — knew in my gut — that something was wrong as he was starting the affair. Our marriage was in bad shape despite the years of effort I’d been making but even at that, I felt something shift. I forced us into marriage counseling and it turns out that my instincts were bang on. He booked their first date, thus starting the affair, the same day as our first marriage counseling session. 

I even asked him point-blank one night if he was having an affair. He denied it all, vociferously, and used our therapy sessions to make me think I was imagining things. But I never gaslit myself. I knew something was wrong. 

His affair “only” lasted two months and the physical component was “only” a week long and, if he has finally told me the whole truth (will I ever stop wondering?), never quite made it to being sexual (and yes, I’m defining that term in the broadest possible sense). But it wasn’t the fact that he made out with her multiple times or came close to sleeping with her once. It’s the fact that he made dinner reservations for her, not me. That he sent joking emails to her, not me. That he invited her to go hiking with him, not me. And all the while I was staying home with the two kids, unwittingly facilitating his affair. 

It hurts even now. The hurt reminds me to keep my boundaries where they belong, and to value my preternatural gut feeling over the words of anyone else.


#8. WHO TO TELL.

I know this is unusual but I didn’t make a secret of the fact that I was going through the discovery of having been cheated on. Don’t get me wrong; I didn’t advertise it. But I didn’t hide it for two reasons. The first is because I felt no shame whatsoever—my husband was the one who behaved abominably, not me. Why would I help shield him from being humiliated? Also, I knew I would need people supporting me, and that those people needed to know the truth. In the very, very beginning, I reached out to two women I barely knew that I knew had been cheated on, seeking their advice. I wouldn’t have had those people to turn to if I didn’t know they had been cheated on.

I also instinctively wanted to be a part of the ranks of women who destigmatize subjects like infidelity, which seems to disproportionately hurt women. And if I could help disabuse anyone of the bullshit notion that cheating is something they can do on the sly without hurting anyone, good. 

Now, maybe I can be that for someone else who is as desperate as I was.


#9. HOW MY COMMUNITY REACTED.

My friends were and continue, a year later, to be so supportive, which really speaks to their characters. The whole experience confirmed that I have surrounded myself with a network of extraordinary women who are smart and strong, who understand and embrace the sticky messiness of life, and who will respect and support me whether I stay or go. It also confirmed how remarkable the men and women who are spouses to these friends of mine are. They are people who value self-knowledge and are compassionate and kind.

I have one very close friend who seemed a bit bewildered by the notion that I might not immediately want to divorce my husband. She is the very definition of tact and support, so I could be wrong in my interpretation — she never said anything. But this friend has continued to support me with a very open mind and seems genuinely curious about the whole process. 

My extended family and his extended family were also remarkable. 

But my parents... When things fell apart, I literally couldn’t function. I couldn’t eat, couldn’t sleep, couldn’t work, and could not take care of my children. I was in crisis. I really, really, really needed someone to physically come in and take care of me and my kids for a while. My parents could have done it but for reasons I am still struggling to understand, chose not to. (My very closest friends would have done it if they could, but they all have young children and jobs of their own to juggle.)

So, who did step up to take care of me when I was incapacitated? Here’s where it gets weird. It was my husband, the man whose selfishness put me in that state. 

Looking back on it, that was what first made me consider the possibility of staying.


#10. WHY DID HE DO IT?

Thanks to the work of feminists and relationship experts like Esther Perel (and Elle, although I didn’t know her work at the time), I knew long before I was on the receiving end of infidelity that affairs are 100% because of the cheater and their issues, and 0% because of anything that has to do with the person they are cheating on. I read somewhere that being cheated on is like getting mugged. The only person who causes a mugging is the mugger.

In our case, my husband had an affair because he wanted to escape the problems in our marriage. Ironically, those problems existed largely because of him. A whole lot of crap from his horrible childhood, which he had never had the courage to deal with, suddenly overwhelmed him for reasons I won’t get into. Instead of being brave and facing the crap and accepting that he needed help to deal with it, my husband chose a random opportunity to create a double-life. In that alternate life, he had no responsibilities and therefore nothing to deal with.

I had been working diligently and patiently for years to try and make our marriage better but it turns out that the more effort I put in, the less he felt like he needed to try, and the more he felt entitled to take, take, take. Ain’t that a kick in the teeth? When I discovered his affair, my boundaries came roaring back into place and my healthy sense of entitlement came roaring back. I could literally hear the roaring in my ears as they came back from wherever I had shoved them down to over the years of self-sacrifice.

Those boundaries are all still firmly in place. And they will never budge again.


#11. WHY HER?

Again, thanks to the work of relationship experts like Esther Perel, I knew from the beginning that my husband’s affair wasn’t because I lacked something. I’m an awesome catch. When I started to learn about the other woman, it became clear to me that she was inferior to me in every way I care about: she is less educated, less accomplished, less independent, less self-aware, less ambitious, less beautiful, less wise, less worldly, less well travelled, less confident, nowhere near as well-read… The only things she had going for her were youth (and the lack of obligations that goes along with it) and a higher fitness level (see above re: youth and lack of obligations). And that was the whole point for my husband. He WANTED someone inferior to me because he liked how it made him feel better about himself.

Was I making him feel bad about himself in our marriage? Hell, no. I thought he was awesome and sexy and a fantastic dad, and I told him so all the time. The voice that made him feel inferior wasn’t coming from me, it was coming from inside himself.

So, what did the other woman have? As Elle wisely says: nothing I want. She is damaged. She lacks confidence. She is willing to not ask too many questions about why the older guy she’s dating still seems to be living with his wife and kids despite his claims that they were separating. Do I want to be like her? Of course not. 

The other thing that made him choose her is convenience. She flirted with him. She was available. She was there. And would I ever want a man to choose me primarily because I’m there? Duh. No.

When I start to forget any of this, I picture the other woman as a bug that I am flicking off my sleeve.


#12. PITYING VS. HATING THE OTHER WOMAN. 

Some people say you shouldn’t hate the other woman but rather pity her. I say do both! She was instrumental in nearly effing up my children’s lives by wrecking their family. Of courseI hate that bitch. 
That pathetic, pitiable bitch.


#13. DOESN’T SHE CARE THAT SHE RUINED MY FAMILY?

I had a few fantasies of the other woman’s devastation as she realized how much damage she had done. But would she actuallyfeel devastated? Nope. Because if she did care, she wouldn’t have done it. 

Only a person who is completely messed up could justify damaging another person in this way. I take solace in the fact that although I may be in pain, I am not messed up.


#14. STAYING FOR THE KIDS. 

I am surprised at how rarely I read about kids factoring into people’s decisions to give a cheating spouse a second chance or not. Perhaps it is a rebuttal of the sexist mantra that women should stay in a marriage at all costs for the sake of the children. 

Had we not had children I would have ended things immediately. But we do. 

And it turns out I would do anything for my kids. Including explore the possibility of a new relationship with a man who hurt me but is truly remorseful, truly willing to atone, and truly wanting to become a healthier person.


#15. WHAT WILL OTHER PEOPLE THINK?

Personally, I believe they’ll think whatever you want them to. 

Here’s why.

Most people just don’t care that much about other people’s lives. So, you don’t have to worry about them. 

Some people want to think that other people are dumb and wrong because it makes them feel better about themselves. You don’t have to worry about them, either, because they’re going to judge you for literally everything. Unfollow them on Facebook, cross them off your Christmas card list, dust your hands off and move on.

Then there are the people who don’t know what to think. For those people, you take a page out of Beyoncé’s book and make yourself the hero of your story. Tell the story of your strength, your courage, your grace. 

Even if the only person you are telling this story to is yourself, when others meet you, they will feel that they are in the presence of a warrior.


#16. YOU GET TO CHOOSE THE WORDS.

As a writer, words are extremely important to me. The words “taking him back” make me feel really uncomfortable. They just don’t reflect my experience. Because “him” – the man who cheated on me – is more or less gone at this point. Instead, over the past year of rocket-fuel-pain-powered growth, my husband has become someone amazingly different. That’s why I prefer these words instead: 

I am seeing if the person I have become might want to have a new marriage with the person he has become.


19 comments:

  1. Chinook,
    I am sitting here in awe of the strength that comes through in what you’ve written. I can tell you that at 4 years out, I’m taking a lot away from this post. I have struggled a lot and my healing has been like a roller coaster. I happen to be on a low so this post came at the right time.
    I love your perspective on whether or not the person you’ve become can have a new relationship with the person he’s become. I’ve said many times how my husband had changed, yet sometimes I still refuse to let myself fully trust him. At this point, a large part of my pain comes from trying to keep up walls to avoid every being blindsided the way I was when this all cane out.
    Thank you for this post! ❤️

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  2. Thank you for this post, Chinook. You are on your way. I still have to work on #15 -- no one cares as much as you do, so stop worrying about it. Most people will follow your lead (even kids). I can hardly believe that we are closing in on five years. As our story unfolds, I love the part where h ends up with me and not her. "Of course I hate that b*." So well said! Keep going. It gets easier, and you are not alone. :)

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  3. Hi Chinook
    3:00 am I was awake too and read your words of courage. Your last statement "The person I have become might want to have a new marriage with the person he has become" is exactly where I am and very powerful to me. We're preparing for full disclosure and polygraph and I will keep your statement front and centre as I go thru the process and what I decide to do next. Your words came to me at the right time. Thank-you!! I needed your words. Hugs and kisses. Carol

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  4. Awesome. Inspiring. Thank you.

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  5. Wow, what powerful words. Each part resonated with me is such meaningful ways. I am just over one year past that day & still struggling with it all. I will save & re-read this post for support and much needed guidance. Thank you!

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  6. This is an amazingly powerful and touching post. It has really helped me identify a lot of what I feel and is full of hope and inspiration. I am 2 weeks away from our anti-versary and have been up and down as to whether we should acknowledge it but maybe I should take a leaf from your book and instead acknowledge the myriad of changes my husband and I have both been through to get us to the point we are now. Thank you!

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  7. What an insightful post. I enjoyed reading about your experiences. Thank you for sharing this most personal journey with us.

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  8. What five years has taught me, just when you think you are over it, I saw the OW BFF in the check out line in the grocery store. This is the same BFF that defended her when I confronted her and OW at Petsmart. I thought the hell with this, I want to make someone uncomfortable. I get in the line behind her and start talking with the BFF husband who seems super nice. So then the BFF sees me and stays up at the bagging section. I call her name, hi Amy. She come back to me and we make small talk. I ask, how is Karen? She says she is divorced and doing great. I ask her about her Parkinson disease. It is miraculously better, her meds are decreased and she can make better decisions. No walker. I ask her if Karen is still going with married men? She says no, she is spending most of her time with her grandchildren. (Sounds like sister Teresa) She said, I'm so sorry that happened to you. I tell her nothing happened to me. I didn't do anything wrong. Then she comes up and hugs me. YUCK YUCK.

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    1. LLP - I so wish I could have stood in that line with you. Thank you for making my Monday morning! I'm sure it was both nerve wracking and exhilarating all at the same time.

      The OW sold her house** and I have no idea where she's moved. On one hand I want to be brave and venture back to her side of town since it's possible she no longer lives there. On the other hand, the entire metropolitan area now feels a little unsafe as I have NO idea where she's at.

      **I now know what her house looked like. I have a new mind movie of them together in the space he said they had sex. She also happened to be selling some of her furniture - which I didn't find until much later - and I wish I would have been brave enough to ask her how many married men she fucked on it. But ... that's my alter/braver ego talking really.

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    2. I agree Kimberly. I would have like to have been there too.
      Thinking of you LLP
      Hugs
      Gabby xo

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  9. what 3.5 years after an emotional affair has taught me is that my husband can't keep his promise. The promise to spend the rest of our lives proving to me how much he loves me and will never break my heart again. To make a loooong story short, he had to resign from his job after a female coworker accused him of sexual harassment, employer finds deleted app that shows many inappropriate texting to other coworkers including 2 females that sent boob pics, to forcing him to tell me everything which includes 2 separate full on affairs, sex several times with each and in my house etc., and having to separate and tell our 4 kids ages 10 & 12 who are DEVASTATED. I just feel so fucking stupid to believe that a man can change. I am sorry but I just don't see how he could claim he LOVES ME when he KNEW how BAD he broke my heart before. I know I don't deserve this and that I did NOTHING wrong. He got his needs met and then some. He is so upset that he did this and all I feel is ashamed that I spent the last 3 yrs believing his lies. I can't stop taking showers, I feel so gross just thinking about them fucking on our couch in our basement. He has ruined everything, yet is begging to do anything to fix this, from counseling to never having sex again to being ok with me seeing and sleeping with someone else if it means we will eventually be together (gross) but I guess from him that is supposed to be substantial because he is an overly jealous ass. So knowing all of this and KNOWING there is no way to trust him EVER, why am I missing his dumb ass?

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    1. Oh TwinsTwice ... it's times like this I wish we all knew where the others were so we could fly out and be there for you. I think I'd bring my ball bat ... and my disinfectants!

      I'm so sorry!

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    2. Twins Twice--this is NOT advice because I truly understand what you are going through. My H who fell to his knees d-day 1 presented me with a d-day 2 2 and a half years later which was even more awful than the first. He was diagnosed by our therapist as a sex addict on d-day 2--he had hidden it SO well that neither of us saw it, and he was not convinced that he was a sex addict. What she told me in confidence without him present, is that he was most likely going to slip up and that slip up would most likely be his turning point--statistically it is. . I threw his ass out on d-day 2 and he finally took all this crap seriously. He came close to a slip up a year or two later, but as far as i know that's as far as its gone. He truly did change after d-day 2 It wasn't the begging that brought me back, it was that he FINALLY started dealing with his own behaviour. It's a risky bet, at best, but I took it and it seems to be paying off. I am not at all urging you to deal with this again, not at all, I know that I would not deal with it again. Looking back, i have no idea how i dealt the 2nd time after all the promises, but I know now he really did not take it seriously after d-day 1. with my months long bout with hysterical bonding and understanding and caring so much about how HE felt and me forcing him to deal with how I FELT, he forgot to focus on his own issues. Without me after D-day 2 he was forced to sink or swim. I wish you clarity and peace because I know how awful it is. and now sexual harrassment on top of it. So sorry for this mess sister.

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    3. Twins Twice
      My heart is breaking for you.
      My ex cheated after 9 years of marriage when I had our youngest baby who was only a couple of months old. At the time, I didn't know about all that I know now. It was definitely an emotional affair. I believe it was physical, but he denies. My gut tells me otherwise.
      Then fast forward 10 years later to 2015 and BAM! DDay 2, with lots of women and prostitutes (yukkk) followed by DDay3 nearly 2 years ago - with another woman which has ended our marriage and family life.
      I agree with you. He didn't love me. You don't do this to people you love. My ex's only concern in life is himself. He has many narcissistic traits.
      I too believed him when he said he wanted the marriage, the family and he loved us - I was wanting so desperately for our marriage and more importantly a family for our children. He was incapable of change as he is from a dysfunctional family that can't see their wrong in life and not wanting to change. This is how he's grown up and for some reason, his parents have this emotional pull on their kids which has resulted in the kids of this family being fucked up. My ex has never had this shit sorted out.
      So please Twins Twice. This is nothing on you, You have not done anything wrong - no matter what state your marriage is. All these "mens" behaviour is completely on them. This is their wrong doing, their stuff up which unfortunately effects us and our kids. Don't feel stupid thinking he could change. A marriage is based on so many things and you trusted him. He let you down.
      I think you are amazing.
      My ex didn't want to fix our marriage or family as it took too much hard work on his part and he wasn't prepared to put himself through this and being accountable for everything. His actions showed me he couldn't care less for me or our kids.
      I hear all the time how those that stay still feel not 100% trusting and then there's those (like me) whose husbands took off with some skank and the one thing that resonates with us all seems to be the sadness of what our husbands have done to us our marriage and kids. So staying married has it's advantages. Being separated has it's advantages - which for me is not having to put up with his lies and bullshit and control, yet also, the financial strain of now being on my own is weighing heavier on my mind than all the other shit I had to deal with from his cheating.
      You are missing him because you want your marriage and family life for you and the kids. That's so normal,but is your husband up to doing the work to become a normal human and not an ass?
      Sending hugs
      Gabby xo

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    4. Kimberly, I have several friends up for the bat, shovel you name it but I would definitely enjoy the company.
      Steam, I too am wondering if he has an underlying mental issue or sex addiction. We were each others firsts. We met at ages 17 & 19. Married at 22, kids at 25 & 27. Married 15 years. How do you not see the addiction? What if he isn't telling me everything? How does counseling help an addict like that?
      Gabby, ugh girl I know I didn't do a single thing wrong. Was I a perfect wife, nope but I constantly tried. I showed up. I met his needs. or so I thought. I feel just sick. He is begging me to just give it time, that he will do anything. I just don't see how that will change. Can a heart be too broken to be fixed, even if he does "everything" right from here on out?

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  10. Thank you for this. It’s nice to not feel alone.

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  11. Chinook❤️

    I am coming up on one year since my husbands betrayal and this is exactly what I needed to read. I feel like i still have so many issues because of the incident. I find myself doing better one week, and then the next, I'm back on her social media (selfishly, enjoying the fact that she's getting fat). I feel like even after almost a year, I've still lost myself. I became so fixated on her because i had convinced myself that she was this amazing, sexy, confident thing, when in fact, she's not. At all. And drowning out my own confidence with constant thoughts of her and feeling like she was so much more than i was and unless i was like her my husband wouldn't want me or find me sexy and i wouldn't be good enough. It happened once and he waited a couple of months to tell me and went into total self destruct mode and i knew something was totally wrong. Knowing the girl personally made it worse for me, but it was because she was "there" and the only friend that we had that we knew had 0 self respect. She flaunted her singleness, boobs, long dark hair, no friends because she was too good for people, and her bartending job with 0 responsibilities as an almost 30 year old. I've read a lot of articles on this site and they have all helped beyond just a thank you, but this one takes the cake for sure. It reminded me that it's okay to be myself, and that yes, this girl and i are different, and i thank God for that. Thank you for the reminder and the insight after a year of working hard a changing habits and healing. Gives me hope for coming up on a year and is a great reminder that even though things are moving and healing slowly still, they're still moving. Thank you❤️

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  12. Dandelion, snowbird, acambridgegal, TwinsTwice, LLP, eleanorose, Steam, MPetitt, SSW:

    Thank you for taking the time to read this and for letting me know that these words were helpful. That’s exactly how I wanted to honour this past year.

    In the end, I did nothing special for my first anti-versary. I couldn’t: one of my children had a fever and, later, I had a family function to attend. So, I worked from home. I exercised. I drank lots of water. I drank some wine. I did laundry. I folded it. I was triggered. I dealt with it. I was imperfect. I showed up.

    I had a regular day. And I think that in the end, that was the right thing for me. I turns out, I didn’t need to commemorate my D-day anti-versary. Much better to stir it in with all the other busy, imperfect, regular days of my past, meaningless and, ultimately, forgotten.

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  13. Oh my goodness. This post. THIS POST. Thank you, Chinook, for cataloging all of this in such an open and brave way. It sounds like you and I both got cheated on - and found out about the affairs - at around the same time. It, too, has been about a year for me (July 22). I bookmarked this post so that I can read it and remind myself of how far I have come and the lessons I have learned. I forget them. My husband likewise cheated with someone younger, less educated, less accomplished, WAY uglier, and below my pay grade who ended up being truly psycho, divorcing her husband and planning a marriage to mine (hilariously), etc etc. So much of what you wrote echoes my own experience and my own thoughts. I stayed because he is and has done some grueling work on being real and honest and a person of integrity. We are both no longer the people we were before, however, and our marriage is completely different. It still hurts, though. My eyes are forever opened. The greatest struggle for me has been creating new neural pathways. I fight and work on this every.damn.day. My heart is with you and all the women on this site.

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