Saturday, October 3, 2009

After the affair: Should you stay or go?

As if discovering your husband's affair(s) isn't enough, now you feel you're expected to do something about it. At a time when brushing your teeth seems like a Herculean task, determining whether to fight for your marriage or show him the door is a decision that might be best left for now.
Pre-adultery, when we're still thinking of infidelity in the theoretical sense, most of us consider it a "deal-breaker". Yet, in the cold light of day following the discovery, the situation doesn't always seem so black and white. Karen was willing to give her husband a chance...until he kept saying he "couldn't make up his mind" between the two women and Karen decided her dignity was worth more than her wishy-washy husband. Ericka, a successful lawyer, had the resources to leave, but knew that she wanted to at least try and salvage her marriage. Others – like me, for example – spend months vascillating between the two choices.
What some of us can forgive or at least work at forgiving, others can't. Elizabeth Edwards reportedly believes that serial cheating is worse than a long-term affair.
The thing about betrayal is that, suddenly everything we think we know, we don't.


  1. Yes, I know I am many years late in posting to this. Anyway, you mention reportedly believes that serial cheating is worse than a long-term affair. I like that you wrote that - I think a lot of women think that the opposite of what happened to them is worse - or sometimes better. We like to compare pain, as if it is relevant, and we make it relevant, even though it is not. Digressing - may I ask why you printed that statement? You printed it for a reason and I would love to hear your reason. I was not a fan of either of the Edwards, may she be resting in peace or as I like to hope, possibly even re-incarnated, you never know until it happens, right?, so her name could have been anyone's or no one in particular.

    I hope you get a chance to respond after trying to think back all these years...

    1. Hi there. I was simply reporting was Elizabeth Edwards had said. My husband engaged in both -- a long-term affair and serial cheating and, frankly, they both stink.
      You're right though that we tend to compare pain. And yet, the circumstances often don't matter. What's a deal-breaker to one woman isn't to another. The only thing that really matters is how we heal from whatever happens to us, whether we stay in the marriage or not.
      Thanks for posting...and letting me revisit this post.




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