Sunday, October 18, 2009

Your wedding ring...keep it or toss it?

I took my wedding ring off about two years, not long after I learned of my husband's affair. I don't plan on putting it back on, in spite of the fact that I remain married and we're working hard at rebuilding a relationship based on honesty, commitment and love.
But my ring? It was, to me, a symbol of commitment. And when that commitment was violated, the ring felt like a constant reminder. Instead of a silver circle of endless love, it resembled for me a noose around my neck. Taking it off was an act of reclaiming my power. Of indicating that while I was willing to create a new marriage, the old one, as far as I was concerned, was dead.
There is, like most reactions to a husband's infidelity, no right or wrong reactions (well, except perhaps anything listed in the Criminal Code or the Mental Health Disorders Sourcebook). For some women, their ring remains something that signifies an enduring commitment. For others, well...it's tarnished and broken, figuratively speaking, and it needs to go.
What do you think? Is yours a ring...or a noose?

67 comments:

  1. Here again: me too! I took off my wedding ring the minute I learned about the betrayal. It felt like a noose around my neck anyway and now I knew why. The good news: I bought myself another one to remind me to remain faithful to myself

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    1. I to took my wedding ring off after I discovered my husbands infidelity. I remain in my marriage as I love my husband. My faith plays apart in why I remained in my marriage, and taking my ring off caused me much turmoil as this symbol was placed on in the eyes of God. But even though I have tried to wear it, on and off over 4 years since discovering the affair, it’s as reminder of what it stood for the day I committed to our marriage, but it brings back raw emotions of that day of discovery, and is a constant reminder of the sadness that the day of our wedding meant not the same to my husband as it did for me.
      I have recently bought myself a cheap wedding band and engagement ring, as I have had the odd comment over the years about the rings I put on in replacement of my wedding ring. This is to stop drawing people’s attention to it. I will always remain married in the eyes of god, and my wedding ring is to symbolise that I’m married. But it also reminds me that I can forgive but the pain I cannot forget.
      My husband would like me to wear my wedding ring that he gave me on the day we got married, I just don’t understand, after reading the other peoples experiences, why they don’t get it why we cannot wear it?

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  2. I took mine off and it's sitting in my jewelry box. My husband noticed and I think it bothered him.....he asked why? I said I'm not putting this back on until I am married to a trustworthy husband.

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  3. I took mine off and it will stay off. I intend to sell it for the gold and buy myself something I desire. The husband has to first prove that he can care enough about himself to deal with his sex addiction, and that he cares enough about me to prove I'm worth his effort. He can save up his pennies and buy me a new, less tainted one and start acting like he truly cares rather than he mostly cares about acting out. Bitter? Just today. Tomorrow I'll cry some more, then the next I'll hold his hand while he cries.

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  4. Yeah, mine is off, too. Though I'm technically married, I don't feel like the marriage is legit, given that he lied to me before, during and after. (He's a sex addict, too.)
    And yes, I know that cycle – I cry, then feel better, he cries, then feels better – all to well. Eventually the crying stops and some laughter, once again, creeps into your days.

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  5. I miss my ring. I feel left out and sad when I am with all my friends and family that have their rings on.
    Our rings meant a lot to me and I will not wear another ring till- like Marni said- I am married to a trustworthy husband.
    I sure hope I can spot the difference this time...

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  6. Just discovered your blog...glad I did!

    I stopped wearing my ring, too. My husband eventually noticed and asked why. When I was honest with him, he got upset. (Like you've said...they really don't get it, do they?!) He bought me another ring which I have been wearing on my ring finger. It just feels better. I still have my wedding ring, but I can't bring myself to put it on. I may eventually sell it. But...I'm 1.5 years out and still feel like my decisions might be rash.

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  7. Hi Krist,

    I'm glad you found us. I still don't wear my wedding ring. It's perhaps a symbollic thing...but then again, aren't all wedding rings symbollic? But it's my way of saying that my "old" marriage is over and I won't wear a symbol of it.
    I still wear my engagement ring...which had belonged to my grandmother. It's a connection to strong women in the past. I don't need a ring. If there's anything I learned during my husband's infidelity, it's that ring doesn't really mean anything unless it's backed up by intention.
    Hope you'll keep contributing to the conversation.

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  8. I just found this site. I took my ring of a week ago when the full details of my WH's second affair came out. It is still bothering me that I don't have a ring on, but right now it is just too painful to look at it. It reminds me that WH hasn't worn a ring for years now. He said it was always because of work he was doing, but he took it off when with AP and then eventually lost it (?)

    I want to say that someday I can put it back on...

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    1. ET,
      I still don't wear my wedding ring. I do wear my engagement ring but mostly because it belonged to my grandmother, then mother so it has significance apart from my husband.
      As far as I'm concerned, my wedding ring is meaningless. In my case, my husband's sexual "acting out" began before our marriage so I simply can't believe that our marriage meant much to him though he professes otherwise.
      In any case, those vows have been relegated to the junk heap. And though I still feel "married", I don't need a ring to remind me.
      I sometimes think we'll get remarried some day privately...and at that point perhaps I'll accept that a ring can be imbued with importance.
      But I know for many many people, their ring has such meaning to them. I hope you are able to put it back on someday, assured that your marriage is strong from the challenge.
      Elle

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    2. Elle - I'm curious - 5 years later - where are you on this subject?

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    3. Hi Kimberly,
      Well...funny you should ask. I'm still in the same situation. Wearing my mother's wedding ring, which I put on one day when I missing her (she passed away six months after D-Day 1) and my engagement ring, which my husband gave me but that had been my grandmother's (husband and my mother, whose ring it was, worked something out. It's a ring I asked for and love).
      But...and here's the funny part...I can't get them off. I put on weight (after losing so much weight around D-Day) and I literally cannot get them off without going to a jeweller and having them cut off. I've tried ice cubes, olive oil, and anything else Google can suggest. Not happening.
      So I wear them and, honestly, don't think about them much. My husband and I are doing great -- really great -- and the rings (or lackof) have nothing to do with that. But that's my take on this. We each get to decide what feels right to us.

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    4. Elle - agreed. I threw mine at DH D-Day June 21 and they sit in their box on the shelf. It bugs me that I don't wear one - especially since I'm now 4 months pregnant (God love hysterical bonding). I broached the topic when he left on his first business trip that he didn't take his and I got some lame excuse of he didn't take his because he'd be moving computer equipment, blah blah blah ... and how he wanted us to exchange them again when we were "reconnected." Wearing my ring is actually one of those "tests" that I have created in my head. Like he threw down that gauntlet and now I'm waiting for his lead.

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    5. Hysterical bonding is the reason I have a fourth kid hahahahahaha man it's nice to know I'm not alone. It's been two years since d day and we just made it to our 10 year anniversary. So I got a new set of rings. Still can't wear my old ones since that marriage is dead to me. But in with the new and improved :)

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    6. Bravo Reannine,
      I'm sure it's bit a long tough road. But here you are. And with a beautiful baby!

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  9. Just about 7 months out, and I too took off mine the day I found out. It went on and off a couple times as my husband and I made progress and lost progress. As with many I turned to God with the pain, and asked him to show me the way to stay or go with the marriage. yes, I couldn't make the choice myself because well I was afraid. Not more then two weeks later, I lost my ring. Now I panicked, was this God's answer to end it? Or was he saying the old marriage was gone, which we know it is. My husband's thoughts have always been, "I wore it because it meant so much to you." Well when I told him, fearing he would be upset his comment was "I don't care about the ring, I care about you coming back." Oh yeah did I mention I'm on deployment in Afghanistan. While his words sounded nice, I wonder if they are just words. After all this is the same man that betrayed me while I was out here in Afghanistan. But I too feel that until he wants me to wear one again, to show the world I am his, I will not wear one. He must place it there, or some other that can say "She is the ONLY one and I want everyone to know it!"

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    1. Thank-you so much for sharing your comments. I'm so sorry for what you're having to go through -- and so far away from home, doing such an important and difficult job. Focus on staying safe and trusting that the rest will fall into place with time and a commitment to healing. Whether you stay or go, the most important thing is that your heart heals enough to trust again.

      Elle

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  10. My ring came off after finding out about the adultery, which is now about 8 years ago. At times it still sickens me to the pit of my stomach thinking about what went on. The topic of the past very rarely comes up in conversation, but in the last 6 months she has started broaching the subject. She wants me to wear my ring again and comments that the ring has been off my finger longer than it was on. She has asked me to think about putting it back on,to which I said I would, but I am unable to tell her the reasons why I won’t. The marriage ended the moment the adultery started, and the ring symbolized the trust and faithfulness which was now broken. She feels there is no long term commitment from me because I will not wear my ring, and I could leave at any time.

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    1. It sounds to me as if you both need to talk to each other. She clearly fears that you're not totally committed to the marriage. You perhaps fear that this could happen again and so you don't fully commit.
      Instead, though, you're living in a sort of limbo -- one foot out the door. Which might feel safe to you but isn't, ultimately, very gratifying.
      I know that fear all too well.
      But if you're going to remain in the marriage, then I think you owe it to yourself to give yourself to it. Is there something she isn't doing that you need her to in order to re-establish a sense of safety within the marriage? Is there something she is doing that you need her to stop? Have either of you sought counselling, either as a couple or individually? It doesn't matter how long ago the betrayal was -- if it hasn't been addressed and processed, it can feel like yesterday.
      I hope you'll consider digging further into your own issues around the commitment. With further healing of those old wounds, you just might find yourself committing to a rebuilt marriage -- perhaps symbolized by a new ring.

      Elle

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  11. I just found out a week ago about my husbands betrayal, which lasted several months, was physical and emotional. It started while I was pregnant with our now 7 month old who is our third son. I am reeling. Of course, my ring came off and I firmly believe that I won't put it back on. It's too soon to make a decision right now, but we've started counseling and are trying to work through this. No guarantee that it will work at this point. I'm really glad that I found this blog. Thanks for creating it!

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    1. Sarah,
      I'm so sorry for what you're going through. Dealing with a new baby (and two other kids!!) is tough enough without factoring in the emotional maelstrom of discovering an affair.
      Regardless of whether the counselling can help you rebuild a marriage, it can nonetheless help you be partners in parenting your kids should you split up. So it's worth a try.
      And glad you found us. Sorry you needed to.

      Elle

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    2. Hi Sarah,
      The exact same thing happened to me...
      I just found out my husband had an affair while I was pregnant w/ our third and she is now almost one year old. He ended it a few months ago but it is all very painful. I took my ring off and have no intention of putting it back on... it's very sad since I loved my ring. And he asked me how long I was going to go w/out it... he said I really liked seeing you with your rings. I'm sure you did was my response but it's all too fresh now. I never thought I would be in this situation. Much less thinking about working things out, but I feel like I have to for my children and my vows. Any advise?

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  12. It has been 5 months since D-day...I am taking my ring off tonight. 2 weeks ago I caught him in a lie ( he is still talking to OW, they are co workers). He will not give up friendship so I give up the ring. I think I am done.......

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    1. You set your boundaries and he violated them. You're wise to stick to your consequences.
      I'm sorry though. Nothing about this is easy, I know. Even when it's the right choice.

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  13. I have been married almost 33 yrs. My ring came off in Nov.2013 when I found the motel ticket in the car. He left Dec 1. We are still going thru everything, and he loves me, he's just not in love with me. Two kids, two grandkids, and three decades. This is not OW's first rodeo and she is also married. I am very glad I got to your site. Thank you

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    1. Hi Sherry,
      Glad you got here too.
      Oh, how I loathe the "love you but not in love with you" nonsense. What does that even mean? It's like something a 15-year-old would say to break-up with someone.
      I think what he's really saying is that the excitement of love, the romance, is gone. But what so many don't realize is that is a natural consequence of any relationship. It takes time and energy to keep some level of excitement...and even then, it's not going to be like a new relationship.
      Have you told the OW's husband?

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  14. Took off the ring the day I found out. The next day I was possessed with a powerful sense that I was going to be ok no matter what happened - that the immediate future is going to be incredibly difficult, but that I am going to be ok, even great again - and I bought myself an "engagement" ring to myself to wear on my ring finger and remind myself of that feeling whenever a worse one takes over.

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    1. That's a great story! So glad you shared it. We should all feel so loyal and true to ourselves.

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  15. I have been married to a sex addict for 6 yrs. Every year he'd have an affair and I'd throw the ring away, or pawn it, or whatever. Eventually over the course of the next year he would buy me a new one representing his new commitment. I've now had 5. I will not wear one ever again because I can't look at it without thinking of all those other broken promises. We're still together, and he's made some changes that give me hope (on a good day), but as much as I would love one, I know I can't. I've learned about boundaries and this will be the last "second chance", but that aspect is lost forever.

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    1. Anon,
      What are you doing to keep yourself safe while you stay with him? It's crucial for you to acknowledge the role you play in this dance. If he continues to cheat and you continue to stay, what are the costs to you emotionally? Why do you stay? The choice is, of course, yours. But I want it to BE a choice...and not something you're doing out of fear.
      Are you therapy? A 12-step group for partners of sex addicts? I hope you'll begin to control the only thing you can control, yourself.

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  16. My husband's and my original rings are in a safety deposit box. I can't bring myself to have them melted down (for one thing, they are heirlooms from his family), but I can't wear them ever again. They represent our old marriage that was built on lies. My husband was a closet porn addict since long before he met me, and it continued after we got married and eventually escalated into him attempting to cheat on me with someone he met on the internet. (He was unable to actually go through with it, and confessed to me right away and begged for forgiveness, which was why I was willing to give him another chance.) I felt like the ring meant nothing to him--he was wearing it the night he snuck out of the house to go meet the OW.

    We're both committed to saving our marriage, but we're building a new relationship, not carrying on with the old one. We marked our new start with new rings.

    I just want to thank you for your blog. It's been 10 months since D-Day, your blog has given me hope that we can make it.

    ~Gee.

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  17. I can't even explain the feeling of oppression that came over me wearing that ring. I took it off the evening I found out about his infidelity and nine months later, not only could I still not wear it, but I couldn't stand to have it in my house. Every time I opened my jewelry box to grab a necklace or some earrings, it was there, mocking me. "I stand for love and commitment. Ha ha, joke's on you!" So, after nine months I sold the stupid thing and I donated the money to my kids' school. I didn't want to have any part of it. That was a year ago now and I haven't regretted it once. We are working on restoring our marriage but it is a slow and agonizing process. I have expressed my desire to have a vow renewal with a new ring to symbolize renewed commitment but my husband isn't interested. That's a whole other issue I guess.

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  18. My husband broke my heart. He's my best friend. He's been visiting those free porn chat sites for 6 months now and saying who knows what to complete naked strangers. This is my first time speaking out about it. I don't want to tell loved ones because I don't want to tarnish his name. I love him. I'm not sure I can forgive him though. Taking my ring off now. Although he has taken my heartbreak and loss of trust serious, maybe this will make it more clear. Porn doesn't offend me but interactive (chat/webcam) porn does. The worst part is right before finding out about the online infidelity he found out he was moving 2 hours away for 6 weeks (for his work) leaving me and our 2 sons. I'm not afraid of parenting solo. I am afraid that the timing could really cause the issue to get worse. I told him we shouldn't speak while he's away but I fear that could make things worse too. I don't know how to deal with this. :(

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  19. My husband doesn't wear his ring, so I am tempted to sell them both. He says it's because it doesn't feel comfortable, but seeing it there on the shelf feels like a slap in the face every time, because I know he just doesn't want to wear it. Do I have to ask him if I can sell his or can I just sell it? I don't want mine, but I don't want to get peanuts for it either.

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  20. I too am a wife of a sex addict (3rd relapse) and took my rings off. He realized it today. He was very sad but so am I. I question myself sometimes and it helps to read these. blogs. After all the betrayal, I am not sure how to put them back on. I too feel like they were a symbol of our commitment to each other and he broke the commitment.

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  21. I am a wife of a husband who went overseas and cheated with 9 other women and lied about several details. He has been home for 2 months want to work on things but gets so mad when I want to talk about it to try to move on. Which I don't even know how. I haven't wore my ring in months. He lied a d said he lost his while overseas but once he came home he put it back on and told me he lied about losing it. How do you stay with someone you love so much but tells you that he don't feel stuck anymore because now he knows he can get someone else in life and it wouldn't be the end of the world if he left me and that he enjoyed the women he was it but yet no one was better then me. It's hard trying to bury this. I am trying but most days i just want to scream and sleep and cry.

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    1. Anonymous,
      It's not just hard to bury this, it's impossible. You can't have a wound like this in your marriage and not have it affect every part of your life. It will come out in some way, often as depression or anxiety or self-loathing.
      Please PLEASE find yourself a therapist who can help you through this in a way that's healthy and can help you find your strength. You deserve so much better than this. Anybody can find people to have sex with them. Trust me, it doesn't make him a prize. It makes him a lousy husband. He simply doesn't want to face that truth.
      Please, Anonymous, keep reading here and gaining strength and wisdom from the incredible women on this site. And find a counsellor to help you. You are so much better than you know.

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  22. I took mine off immediately when he finally admitted to cheating. He still wears his, but wearing it didn't stop him from screwing someone else so that's fairly meaningless.
    It's only been a little over a month since the confession, so I'm riding that awful roller coaster others described and am not sure where I'll end up. We are doing counseling and he seems to be making a genuine effort, but... we'll see. If I decide for sure that I want to stay I would probably wear the ring again, but I would want him to, not propose exactly, but to present it to me and make a new commitment because the marriage we had is destroyed and we'd be starting a new one.

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    1. I think that's a perfectly reasonable expectation -- to essentially make a new commitment with all the awareness and (hopefully) insight that comes from wrestling with the aftermath of infidelity.
      But yes...it takes time to get there. And that's something that I think a lot of us struggle with. We want certainty. We want to know right now how things are going to play out. And yet...if we give ourselves time to digest it all and figure out what we really want, then we're able to make a choice rather than a reaction.

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  23. Anonymous - Today is the 5 month mark for us. At about 1 month I commented on how H didn't take his ring on a business trip - he commented that he didn't because he knew he'd be slipping it on and off (he's an IT guy) and wanted to put them back on when we "reconnected" in a meaningful way for both of us. 2 months H asked me if putting his ring back on would be a sign of his intentions ... I told him no ... that basically I agreed with what you just said - and that I actually HATED those rings. I have had a date in my head that if H didn't do something about my ring situation then I was going to start making my exit plan - because of his statement back in August. After meeting with my therapist last week, I decided that I couldn't "test" him ... that I was going to have to tell him my thoughts on this and that I couldn't stay quiet about it.

    I broached the topic last week ... and we both agreed we didn't want new rings and that it bothered both of us that we weren't wearing them. I'm still without my ring. So my date is still in play in the back of my mind and I have to decide if this is really a deal breaker or not.

    I just wanted to say - you've found the right place. This group of women are AMAZING! It's NOT all sunshine and roses ... there are some who are months out ... years out ... decades out ... and we are all dealing with the horrors of the aftermath ... but we also share the good times too. Which for me was exactly what I was looking for - someone to admit that yes it's hard ... yes there are days you'll want to throw in the towel ... but that YES there are days that you feel healed and that there is hope.

    Welcome!

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    1. Kimberly,
      For 5 months out, you sound incredibly level-headed. I can't say the same for me at that point! And I'm glad your therapist is encouraging you to be straightforward and honest. It can so hard, in the wake of betrayal, to just make ourselves vulnerable again rather than "test". But it's the only way to begin to create a healthy dynamic.
      So glad you found us, Kimberly, and thrilled that you're finding it helpful. As you've discovered, the women on this site are an incredible bunch. In the midst of their own pain, they never fail to reach out to support others.

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  24. When I first found out, I took off both my engagement ring and my wedding band. I was still deciding whether or not to stay in the marriage, and on the days where I thought I would for sure stay, I would wear the engagement ring. This would let my husband know how I was feeling about our future on any given day. My husband actually took my wedding band with the intentions of presenting it to me with a heartfelt apology. On our 12 year anniversary, which was 4 months after D-Day, he surprised me with an upgraded version of my wedding band. He also sold his extra vehicle and put all that money into a bigger diamond for my engagement ring. Now when I look at it, the diamond reminds me of his re-commitment to be honest and the sacrifice that he was willing to make. I actually do love it again. It helped a lot that he sacrificed something of his to make my rings better, and that it still held a lot of meaning to him.

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  25. I haven't worn mine since he finally admitted the scope of his betrayal. I took his from him. He touched another woman wearing my ring. It made me sick to see it or have it touch me. I told him I don't believe it really means anything to him. He's sad about that because he says it does. It didn't stop him putting it where it didn't belong. He's offered new ones. Don't know if I'm committed enough for a new one.

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    1. I took mine off during D-Day and not long after my mother passed away and, going through her jewellery box, I put on her wedding band -- a tiny white gold band. I kept it on while I tried to figure out how I felt about my ring and, in the years that followed, I gained back my "infidelity" diet weight and my mom's ring is stuck on me. She was so tiny. So if I want it off, I'm going to need to get it cut off.

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  26. I’ve been all over the map on this one. Would love to have left them off like others here, but was worried about the judgment (gave birth a month after D-Day) or questions I might get. For a while I wore the band above the engagement ring, away from my heart. My in laws asked me about it, and I said it was because I had lost so much weight that my rings were super loose and I didn’t want the engagement ring getting lost (partially true). Eventually my wedding band got damaged (unintentionally, haha) so I stopped wearing it and dragged my feet getting it repaired. Now I wear it on my right hand and engagement on left. For a long time I thought I would want a new band once I felt ready for recommitment, but lately have been thinking maybe not. I’m still married to the same flawed man I was before. I can’t see post-affair as the “new marriage” some say it is, beyond: the romance is no longer there, I am vigilant for lies, communication hopefully improves, and trust has to be built from scratch. But that idealization and complete trust are never coming back, and I’m no longer sure how a new ring would help anything. Thoughts? Did anyone ask about your rings? How did you respond?

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    1. My sister-in-law noticed that I was wearing my mother's wedding band instead of my own but it made sense that I would put it on after she died. But, for me anyway, the rings are just pieces of jewellery. I don't put a whole lot of meaning into them. I look instead at the actions of my husband. Is he showing me love and respect and honesty? Then, that's worth more than a ring.
      I had thought, like you, that the day might come when I was ready for a "second marriage" and I might want a different ring. But it never came. We settled into this different marriage. And though I once felt like you do -- that I would never trust him fully, or be able to respect him -- the opposite has happened. I do trust him (though I know what he's capable of and I know that if he cheats again, it's over) and I have more respect for him now having watched how hard he worked to battle his own demons. Ive seen the courage it takes to fight for himself and for his family, when it might have been easier to walk away and not have to deal with the fallout of his actions.
      You're still pretty newly betrayed. It took me years to feel well and truly past the pain. It sucks, no matter what.

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    2. I have a co-worker who knows our story who has asked a few times about my ring. No one else has.

      Another romantic holiday has come and gone without so much as a mention of putting them back on.

      He has mentioned them - even put his back on for a few weeks in January - and I've repeated to him what I told him in November - which was he's the one who mentioned when we reconnected he wanted to put them back on in a meaningful way. His attitude is he doesn't know what I mean and he isn't capable of giving me what I want.

      Is it wrong that I want the grand gesture?

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    3. Kimberly, It's not wrong that you want the grand gesture but you need to communicate that to him, if you haven't already. If there's any silver lining to infidelity, it's that the new marriage absolutely has to have better communication -- there needs to be open and honest dialogue about what we want, what we need, what our expectations are. We fall prey to these mythologies around "love" -- if someone "loves" us, then they should just know what we want. Doesnt' work that way. Tell him what you need from him. Talk it through. Is it the "grand gesture" or do you just need romance from him on a regular basis and, if so, what does that look like for you? If it is the "grand gesture", what does THAT look like. Do you want him to pick you out a ring, do you want to choose one, do you want to re-set the stone you have, etc. Think it through...and then talk it over with him.

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    4. Elle - I have ... both in person and in e-mails. Short of providing him a script ... I don't know what else to do.

      I think it's the continued "I can't do that" ... that makes me angry and bitter.

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    5. And why can't he? What does he say when you ask what the hurdle is? It might be forced and scripted at first. It might feel uncomfortable -- new behaviour always does. But he certainly "can" do it. I'm curious why he won't. And I certainly don't blame you for feeling angry and bitter, as a result. Given what you're doing for him, surely what you're asking is reasonable. More than that, it's honest. It's you sharing your feelings.

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  27. My husband's occasional drinking turned into full on alcoholism and he fell in love with his co-worker. I tired for months to make him see the light but finally threw my wedding ring out and returned all the other jewellery he ever bought me. That was in August last year. He since then went to a deaddiction center.. has been sober for 6 months and we live together in our new home. If you look at our life on paper it's perfect. Only I know that I'm saving up to buy a new home in another city as soon as my son is 18 and leaves home.

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  28. morecompletethanherJune 5, 2018 at 7:47 PM

    I will never put mine on again which is a shame because I loved them so much. But they're symbol of his love and fidelity and the fidelity means nothing so to me those rings are worthless.

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  29. I took my wedding ring off 2 years ago and bought another one for myself. The new ring is much prettier than the last, but it also sits in a drawer. I can’t bring myself to wear either one of them because his infidelity cut me to the core. He is not the same person I married. I am also not the same. I am so broken. I feel as though I am falling down a deep dark never-ending pit. It is so hard to forgive and move on, I feel like such an idiot for staying with him. I hate who I am now and I have lost all the passion in my life. I am trying my hardest to work things out with him, but being with him feels more like an unwanted chore now. He still wears his ring. The same one he wore when he cheated several times, though for a week he had removed it when he was with the other woman because he smashed his finger at work. I’ve asked him many times to take it off, but he refuses. I don’t know what he’s thinking. The marriage we had is gone.

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  30. 8 years ago I stopped wearing my wedding rings. It was close to 2 months after our 2nd child was born. He used to work in a food chain restaurant in the city and he had the night shift. When he got home I noticed he was not wearing his ring. When I asked about it he said "I took it off because it gets me in trouble with the girls at my job". My heart is beating just as hard as the day this was said to me. I asked what he meant and he said it was basically getting him a lot of attention from the ladies with their questions about his personal life, but what I actually heard was "I am embarrassed of you". Shortly after one of those girls tap kissed him (as per him) and when I asked him why didn't he push her away since he claimed he wasn't even attracted to her (but the multiple pages on the pohone bill begged to differ), he said "I didn't want to break her heart". This phrase was said to me once by someone I was madly in love with in the past and for the 2nd time around I heard it again, but from my husband's mouth. Those rings symbolized my heart. The hard work we both put in to pay them off and the vows we made...Those rings represented my heart. To my heart was not good enough though because at the time he would rather spare the hearts of the other women. 2 years later he got a trucking job, but needed a few items and cash, but we were broke. I flat out told him let's go to the pawn shop and sell the rings. He looked at me as If I was nuts, but I told him I meant to say pawn and when we got the cash we could get them out again. We got $200 from the rings and he went on his way. I got the notice from the pawn shop, but I didn't care. Those rings now meant a broken everything and I never wanted to See them or him again. I feel into depression, became bitter and nasty toward him because I accidentally found out that he upheld conversations with his brothers ex girl friend and In was honestly through
    trying to work with someone who just didn't love me. About 2 to 3 months went by where I didn't have to see him since he was trucking and the distance helped, he came back home and apologized. Said he changed. I laughed so hard and told him to bug off. I treated him like a b***h for 2 months because most men love to be treated that way instead of being treated nicely. Then I felt the Lord say toi me "That's enough now. He's good". When I did a revision, I realized there was a change, but I was too busy trying to make him uncomfortable! No more going out, comiing home after the sun was up..just work and home! We talked and told him I was ready to move on with our marriage in a positive way. We now have 4 kids and he has been consistent. No locks on phones, secrets, privacy, nothing. All is GOOD. In the 16th of this month is our 11th anniversary and he has talked about getting rings before yet my answer remains the same; NO. We talked about it a few hours ago and I was completely honest. I mentioned those things that I wrote and said to him that I am not willing to look stupid again and he says it will never happen again and I believe him, but I'm not willing to put myself in that position again just in case. I told him I don't want to see him with the new rings off because I will snap and assume he is still embarrassed of me or that he doesn't want to break another girls heart while what is left of mine breaks away. He is extremely dissappointed and thinks I don't live him ad much because he WANTS to propose to me and have new rings, but I rather get a bracelet, an anklet or a necklace. A ring is a sour reminder to me that my heart was never meant sparing. Sorry if this was so long, but I wanted to give a back story so you guys could better understand. I've been unwanted by parents since my very beginning and my grandparents whom raised me with so much love are dead. I'm guessing that the feeling of not being wanted and then being displaced made the ordeal more devastating and tougher to get over.

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    Replies
    1. Naima Medina - I'm guessing your last sentence truly does add to the hurt but it's painful even without that little piece of history.

      I say do what feels best to YOU. Maybe in time you'll be more receptive to the idea of a ring ... but for now ... follow your gut.

      I'm sporting my ring again. I've been wearing it for a little over a month ... it feels foreign even though I wore it every day (except for the times it's been at the jeweler being resized or cleaned) for 14 years. I'm not sure it matters to me if I wear it or not ... it's just an accessory at this point.

      It could just as easily be a bracelet or a necklace or a ring pop ...

      Delete
  31. My H removed the ring first after telling me that he is tired and need to be alone. He asked for divorced but i do not agree, instead i ask for separation..i know that he is having affair but he do not want to admit it. So, i removed our wedding band as well.

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    Replies
    1. I'm sorry for what you're going through. It sounds as though your husband has checked out of the marriage. That's so painful. I hope you find support and healing here.

      Delete
  32. I haven't worn my rings since I found out 3 months ago. He wore his while he was having sex with her and continues to wear it. It upsets me that he wears it now because it didn't mean anything then why should it now? He hasn't said anything about me not wearing my rings, I miss them, but they represent a lie and if he wants me to wear them then he needs to make me a new ring with the new marriage that will have to come out of this. He doesn't even know if he wants to be here and is on the fence about fixing the marriage. He's all about himself, but keeps dragging me along for the ride. When is the right time to give up?

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  33. I wish I had the answer for you. What I can tell you is that if you set your eyes on how much bigger Jesus is you will what true love really is. Men are men. Not all are the same, but the vast majority do awful things like this. Don't let that poison your heart though. It will make you sick to the point of death while he continues to live and live is life.

    ReplyDelete
  34. I've removed my rings as well. It's been a little over a year. I found out that he was having an affair online. He created a new social media acct. Was looking at porn and talking to OW. I was 7months pregnant it had started when I was 3 months. I was devastated. We are still married i don't know what I really want anymore there's days I love him and days I want to run. I look at my ring and feel anger. He still wears his ring and I tell him all the time to take it off. It upsets him that I don't wear mine. I just don't know how I feel about wearing them again. I thought about selling them but I feel I might regret it.

    ReplyDelete
  35. I found out almost 2 weeks ago that my husband cheated on me with several women online. He had took a picture of me and my dog and I wanted him to send it to me. He didn't send it right away, so I went into his phone to send it to myself. When I went into his gallery I saw he had pics of 3 naked women saved in his phone, along with a picture of an erect penis that he had sent to them in order for them to send pics back.
    I've never loved anyone like him ever in my life. Anyone I've been with before have been abusive either physically, emotionally, or both. My husband knew this. He Also knew that my ex husband also cheated on me. It started with chatting online, getting pics of naked women, then he had sex with several of them. My husband I'm married to now knew all of this. But still had online affairs for the last 2 months.
    We had a perfect relationship. Even in the last 2 months that he had been cheating, he made love to me, said he loves me so much, he's so happy with me, I'm the best, etc... But these are things we always tell each other. We're husband and wife & best friends. I've done everything to make sure he's always happy.
    He said I did nothing wrong. He said it was his own stupidity that caused this. It started with him playing games online, then someone sent him a flirtatious message and he started chatting with her, And it escalated from there. Soon he created a profile under a fake name and was getting all this attention by women. Then they sent nude pictures and said things I can't repeat or I will become physically sick like I did 2 days ago because I googled the site he was on and looked at it to see what kind of chat rooms he was in.
    I never trusted any man after all I've been through in my past, until I met him. Now that trust is gone. I told him I wanted a divorce, and he begged me not to. He begged for another chance. I said I'd give him a second chance. But he will never get another 1 ever again.
    I feel my rings are tainted. They meant the absolute world to me. I love this man more than anything on earth.
    Now those rings I've been so proud to wear, because I was such a proud wife; are in a ring box, not on my finger where they belong. Because he couldn't resist a flirtatious message.
    He said at the time when he did that, he was bored. He said he just wanted to feel how it felt to be wanted by others.
    I said I will give him a chance, but I don't know if my heart can heal because it is broken to pieces. He said he'd buy me a new ring. I don't feel my rings mean anything to him because of what he did. But we were only married a year and a half when he decided he didn't care what those rings symbolized. I feel I want a new ring because we are starting a new chapter in our lives, but I wonder if we get those rings blessed, could that help? He's willing to do that today. I just told him last night about that idea. He said he'll do anything. He's been very remorseful, and trying very hard since the day everything came out. I can't tell my family. They know him as the man of my dreams, the love of my life and my best friend. We had a beautiful fairytale wedding and a fairytale love story. I thought about suicide because I just felt if he of all people can do this to me, after he said what he did was just an "act" that went too far. If the one man I thought would never hurt me did, how could there be any hope for any other man ever again?
    I've only told a few people about this. They don't know everything I said here. I'm so glad I found somewhere to let it all out.
    I do feel stronger about having him buy me a new ring to start a new chapter in our marriage, but wonder if I should just get my rings blessed instead? If anyone read this far, I'd like to know what you think.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Anonymous,
      Your husband is right. This is not about you at all, it is about his stupidity. Everything you write that he told you rings true. And it sounds as though he has an insight that, frankly, a lot of guys don't have, at least not so quickly.
      Here's the thing, Anonymous. You are two weeks out. Your brain and body and heart are still reeling from this. It will take time to absorb the shock and figure out next steps. In the meantime, keep those rings in the box. Give yourself time.
      And please, as crazy as it sounds, don't take his cheating personally. It really isn't about you, or his happiness with you. It's about what's going on inside himself, what messages he's telling himself, what lines he's allowing himself to cross. If he's not in therapy, he probably should be, and if you're not, I would urge you too to find someone who can help you process this pain (and, likely, a whole lot of pain from previous relationships).
      Anonymous, you will get through this. As much as you're hurting (and trust me, all of us here know just how devastating and excruciating betrayal is), you're got something of a best-case scenario in that your husband is admitting what he did, acknowledging total responsibility and taking steps to make amends. He sounds like a good guy who made a horrible choice and who, I hope, will learn from this and become an even better guy.

      Delete
  36. I just found the need to find you. After discovering my husband addiction to webcam girls. My rings are now resting in piece inside a tiny wooden coffin. Which is how I see that relationship dead. Now if only I could see if a new one can be built...

    ReplyDelete
  37. I took off my ring the moment I discovered about my husband's infidelity. It's been 8 months now and I still don't see the need to wear it as he's broken the trust and commitment. He's remorseful and wants another chance but I don't know if I can ever get over his act of betrayal. We've been married for almost 20 years and this is not the first time he's cheated. I'm so heartbroken and at a crossroads.

    ReplyDelete
  38. I also took off my engagement ring the moment i found out about his betrayal. I told him that the ring felt fake and its a constant reminder of what he had done 3months before he proposed to me. He is remorseful and don't have the answer to my biggest question :WHY? He wants us to seek professional help so we busy looking for a reliable therapist. He told me that when im ready that he'll get me a new ring.

    ReplyDelete
  39. I haven't worn my original rings for over 5 years. I don't know if I will ever be able to again. He put the ring on me as a sign of his love and fidelity, and it no longer symbolizes that.. A few months after he dropped a bomb on our life and broke me, he bought me an anniversary band and later added another ring to make it a set. We recently had a setback with him falling back into his deceitful online behavior and I took those rings off as well. I only wear them now when I know we will be seeing family who might notice and ask questions.

    My "marriage" is essentially dead to me. What I focus on now is nurturing our new relationship. It may seem like a petty distinction, but the vows are broken and it makes me sad to use the term "marriage". At this point I don't think renewing vows are an option, as I don't know if I can trust new vows. I don't want a new ring because I fear it would just end up in the graveyard of tainted, vow-broken rings. He still wears his. I have no problem with that since I have kept my vows and his ring is still a sign of my love and fidelity.

    ReplyDelete
  40. It is interesting to find this discussion. I've been so conflicted about my wedding set since the discovery of my husband's affair. As luck would have it, I lost a small stone from it a few weeks ago. I took the whole set off to prevent further damage...and I feel better. In its place I am wearing an "I am Enough" ring which really feels more appropriate. The wedding ring was his promise of fidelity to me, and he broke that promise...while wearing the ring. We are still together and working hard on the relationship, but the "marriage" we had is gone. Our best hope together is to find a new and better path. If I repair the rings I will want to have them rededicated. As is, they are a reminder of his choice to break his promise.

    ReplyDelete

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