The result is that few of us are offered particularly healthy advice from our friends and family, even -- sometimes especially -- if they've gone through it themselves. My friend Annie, with whom I confided because she'd had a similar situation and, I thought, could support me, responded to my comment that I didn't want to lose my marriage with a dismissive, "well, I wouldn't stay". End of conversation.
Sadly, this leaves so many of us feeling doubly injured. We've suffered this grievous injustice, we think, and yet talking about it leaves us open to poorly thought out opinions, self-serving advice or gossip. I learned very quickly to confide in very few people and only those whom I felt sure would simply support me.
Fortunately, I did come across a wonderful Web site – Surviving Infidelity – that allowed me to discuss my situation anonymously and candidly, without fear or judgement. If I did receive unwarranted advice, I simply dismissed what didn't work for me and took what did. Because it was from strangers, it was so much easier to do.
It also inspired me to create this site -- to create a sense of community around the issue of infidelity and to invite other women to join the conversation. Betrayal changes who you are. Never again will you look at the world through the same eyes. It helps to share this new you with others as you figure out where you go from here.
What are some of the Web sites that have helped you? Please post them here for others to try.
The best chat-open to all sides of the triangle, but you better be to the point of accepting responsibility for your own actions. We don't pull our punches or coddle people in the midst of affairs. www.infidelity-help.com
ReplyDeleteI wouldnt use the above site...while they dont coddle they also have no problem attacking you if you question any aspect of their western centric secular individualistic model of attaining 'freedom'. They say they are eyes wide open but what they are are bullies who often employ the same manipulation tactics as abusers to shame and humiliate those coming there looking for help.
DeleteI am shocked at the lack of empathetic honest critical sources for help in this arena. It seems it is either Christian or western secular and no in between and each approach comes with tons of baggage that does little to empower those who really need help.
Anonymous,
DeleteI just found your comment this morning in my spam folder. I'm sorry it got waylaid.
I hope you have found some sources. The last thing any of us need, regardless of how we respond to betrayal, is to be shamed or ridiculed for our response. This is tough enough. We need to support each other, offer guidance when asked and lift each other up.
My husband has lied about drinking, watching porn and now live adult websites. Is that considered cheating and how can i trust him again
DeleteUnknown,
DeleteI'm not whether it matters what it's called, it's certainly dishonesty. And it's perfectly normal for you to be upset by his dishonesty. Have you spoken to him about why he lies to you? Are there consequences for him violating your trust in you? Is this new behaviour or does he have a history of lying to you or others?
I am 4 weeks into learning of my husbands infidelity. We have 4 children and have been married for 21 years. He cheated with a woman from his high school past. It started with finding each other on facebook, hate facebook now. I found texts and emails that spelled out the affair and the fact that they spent 2 nights together out of town. I confronted him and than kicked him out of the house for 10 days. We finally talked, he apologized and said, :it had nothing to do with me" it was his problem and he wanted to work on our marriage. So here we are, going to counseling and trying to work through this web of deceit and lies.
ReplyDeleteI am going through the same betrayal and the situation is close to yours too. I also decided to stay and I am so glad to finally find a site in which others are trying to work it out rather then run.
DeleteGlad you found us!
DeleteI am going through a similar situation. About 5 months in. Married for 16 years, two school aged children. I am still feeling completely devastated - our marriage had problems, but this takes it to a new level. Attending marriage counseling, doing the best I can to move forward and reconcile - incredibly difficult. I feel your pain. I wish you well.
DeleteI have been going through the same. I recently found out that my husband of 23 years was cheating on me with an old high school crush that he found when he created a Facebook account (and never told me because he already had one that he was friends with me and our families) and had been talking and sexting with her for 8 years. In addition to that he also had two women that he was texting/talking and setting up dates with them for 5 months. I trusted him with everything I had. We have 6 children 5 in elementary and one in college. I never saw this coming. He was always so attentive to me and we had such a flirtatious marriage and very active sex life so I am left empty hearted, confused, and devastated. He refuses to leave so I can have time to think, he ends up at my work bringing me lunches and calling/texting me all day, when he never would before. I'm in shock and hurting so much. He is going to counceling now but keeps rescheduling his appointments. I don't understand any if what he did and why.
DeleteHey as to how your feeling I can relate. About the emotional distress. It's way different bc he did it and for me it was her. But like you I never saw it coming still can't believe that it did.
DeleteMy husband and I have been together since 14, and have been married for 11 years now. In 2008 not long after marriage 2 years and our first son turned one. Is when I was betrayed by my husband, best friend. He cheated and lied brought the women to my house after I left. I wanted so much to beat the crap out of her, but my husband was drinking at the time and had guns and I was thinking of my son and wanted to be there for him so I left again. He kept in contact with her for a while but it finally ened after he got off of steroids that he was injecting himself and doubling it. We think this had something to do with his actions. Im not going to lie I retaliating and had a one night stand but immediately knew it was a mistake and never talked to him or done anything again. I was so devastated that I let my husband go break it off with this woman and leave me at home. Once he left I tried calling him and his phone was shut off, so I knew he wasnt comimg back like he said. I eneded up going to the ER in which they were about to send me off to a mental institution because I wanted to hurt someone, needless to say I went AWall bc I had a son that needed me. We got back together which was rough for a couple years and had 2 more kids but the communication with her stopped but I have never forgot the heartache but was getting a lot better amd comfortable with myself and us as a couple and marriage. In 2014 my best friend since 7 th grade was my husband ex in like 6 and 7 th grade which he broke up with her to go with me but before i would go with him I asked my friend if it would bother her in anyway and she said no for me to go ahead and date him. I would have not dated him of she didnt want me to. In 2014 my friend came and stayed with me for a week with her 2 kids and I was so glad to have her it made me feel like a teenager again. I trusted her and my husband bc he always said he couldnt stand her and her ways. So I trusted him and for her she never gave me a reason not to trust her. I told her about our problems and she already knew of the first issue me and my husband were having, we talked a lot about it that week. During that year after she came to visit, my husband started drinking more and started being physically and emotionally abusive but I did fight back. I knew something was wrong bc he never done anything like that before. I noticed he didnt want to hang around my feiend or disnt want me to be around her and my gut was telling me something was off but the trust i had for them I didnt see it coming. My husband and I were fighting about his drinking on our fishing trip and during the night after he passed out I found a KIK app and messages between him and my friend saying that he loved her and which her name had his last name. So I woke him up by slapping him and come to find out that week she stayed with us while I was picking up my kids from school she had kissed him and he didnt stop her or tell her to leave. They decided to keep in touch and hide it from me, her husband knew but I was in the dark. My husband said he wanted to tell me but he didnt want to come in between me and her again. Instead he continued to talk about our problems with her and persoanl stuff between them two which he says she mainly talked but Im sure he had some to say to. She has told me that she let it go way to far and he has said he was sorry for not telling me when it happened. But for the likes of me I can not get over it, it haunts me daily and I am on depression meds just for this. I was betrayed not by one but two. The first issue I was getting my trust back but it seems like once I start feeling better something happens so im afraid to feel better and do not trust bc im afraid of getting hurt. Im so tired of thinking about it bc I dnt understand how someone that says they love you so much and cnt stand the other person could do this. Is there something hes hiding is what keeps going through my mind. I have a gut feeling but not sure if its real or me just living in the past. Or am I just looking for something to happen.
Deleteizzie4,
ReplyDeleteI'm so sorry you're going through this...but glad that you found us. I cringe every time someone mentions Facebook -- though I know that it doesn't make someone cheat, but simply makes it easier.
Brace yourself. I don't know what he's told you, but often the spouse who cheats minimizes what happened to keep you from leaving. Are you sure he's broken off all contact?
I don't want to upset you...but want you to understand and be prepared.
Hang in there. We're here to offer up advice, support and compassion. You CAN get through this. And you WILL come out the other side. Our best advice? Take care of yourself...treat yourself well.
A month ago I found out my husband hooked up with a woman from his childhood through Facebook.....yes, I hate Facebook, too!! I just found out 2 days ago that he hooked up with another lady through a dating site. Then I found his profile on some other sites, including sex dating sites! I'm really hating the internet right now........
ReplyDeleteI'm so sorry you're dealing with this.
ReplyDeleteLike you, my situation just seemed to get worse the more I learned. More sites, more chat rooms, more hookups...
Quick word of advice? Get yourself checked out for STDs even if he says there was no sex. Is he admitting everything? Is he denying? You can install a keylogger on his computer to monitor his activity.
And please keep on posting. I, and certainly others who visit this site, can be a wealth of support. Survivinginfidelity.com is another awesome site -- with a huge user base.
Re. your comment: Like most things, the Internet can work both ways. I hate the ease the Internet has introduced into affairs. If you're gonna cheat, I figure you should have to work harder to get away with it!! (Kidding...sorta.)
But I appreciate that the Internet worked for me in that it opened up a world of other betrayed wives that understood my feelings and could commiserate without judgement (though not always without judgement!).
it doesn't really matter. my husband cheated with his secretary. he claims to think facebook is silly. whatever. he's silly.
ReplyDeleteSecretary! How cliche. He loses even more points for lack of originality. :) (My husband took up with his "associate" -- fancy name for secretary!)
ReplyDeleteI took my unfaithful husband back, and heard as much unhelpful and unwanted advice as you got. I read on the main infidelity sites: SI, MB, and DB. More recently I have been looking at marriageadvocates.com. There are so many excellent resources on the WWW for betrayed spouses, I am 'almost' glad it hapened when we had access to them, rather than in the pre WWW days.
ReplyDeleteNot sure what MB and DB are. I assume SI is Surviving Infidelity?? Can you provide URLs for the other two?
ReplyDeleteThanks! And thanks for posting.
Elle
A good beginning is half way to success. Unfortunately my reaction to finding out my husband of then ten years had a six week old child was not good. I didn't kick him out, I folded. I believed it was all me. I should have put less into my career, more into the marriage . . . Some of you know what I'm talking about. It's been almost 2 years since my D day (October 30, 2009). I'm still here, physically, however mentally is another story. My step son, I guess that's the proper term for your husband's illegitimate son, spends every other weekend at our home. I have become attached to this very adorable energetic little boy. After all it is not his fault that his parents have no moral compass.
ReplyDeleteI've tried very hard not to become the martyr. After all we are all human and although I believe I would never have an affair, there are other forms of betrayal,
To continue...
ReplyDeleteWe don't talk about our marriage. We don't talk about his affair, which I believe is still continuing. My misguided philosophy is that if I don't want to be lied to, don't ask a question when I know the answer will be a lie.
I think I've made the decision to leave my marriage. I just haven't found the courage to take the first step. Where do you find the strength to venture out on your own?
This is EXACTLY what I've been thinking and feeling! It's like u know he can't b trusted and something isn't right, but u don't look cuz u don't really want to be hurt by the answer, but soon enough you find out, without even having to look! In my case my husband and I were married and divorced, for 3 years, he tried everything to get our relationship back, n after 3 years, I caved, unfortunately! Once we got back together, I Became pregnant with my beautiful daughter, who has made me such a better person, truly a gift from God! Anyway, we are now engaged again, planning the fairytale wedding we never had, and I find out today- accidentally- he's been cheating AGAIN! With multiple women, of course I came across FB messages proving it, he plays roll of coward and DENIES, DENIES, DENIES! SO based on experience, I can tell u, having done it before, the first step truly is the most difficult! It gets easier, and even even feel relief, once u get over that hump! It's not gonna be easy, but if u put yourself and your kiddos first, u will b ok😁 Prayer helps too- if that's your thing
DeleteMissy Myro,
DeleteI'm sorry you've discovered, again, that your husband can't be trusted. I hope the wedding is off and that you are moving forward in your life without him. He's clearly not husband material.
I think accepting a child shows incredible compassion on your part. While it's not the child's fault, the constant reminder can still be tough. And to be able to look at the child and see his value is a testament to your strength, I think, and your humanity.
ReplyDeleteI hope you can get past this, especially now that you're attached to the child. Sounds like he could use someone with integrity in his life. :)
Two years out is still pretty raw, I think. If your husband has learned and grown from this, I would think things will continue to get better. I hope so, for your sake.
it's been 10 days since d-day but the affair happened 2 years ago. he says he didn't know how to tell me. i found out via facebook. he wants to be with me, with our family, to work things out. i don't know what i want. no, wait, i know what i want. i want him to hold me, i want to pretend this never happened, i want my family. but i don't know if that's what is best for me. i like the advice of waiting 6 months, but do i let him live with me during that time? does that confuse things? he has somewhere else he can stay, but its more difficult with the day-to-day stuff. or maybe it's practice? i don't know.
ReplyDeleteI'm so sorry for what you're going through...but glad you found us. And give yourself a break: Of course you don't know what you want. You've just been handled a huge shock and it will take time for your rational brain to catch up with your emotions. Give yourself time to process the information, which is life-changing. In the meantime, tell him that he can begin the process of healing by giving you whatever it is you need: space if that feels right, closeness if that feels right, each at various times if that feels right... Your moods will alter from minute to minute and, if he truly wants to save his marriage and you're willing to let him try, he needs to ride this roller coaster with you.
ReplyDeleteRegarding living arrangements, try and give yourself time to figure out what works for both of you. I didn't want my husband out of my sight until I figured out whether I wanted him gone for good, or here for good. But each woman has to walk the path that suits them.
In other words, there is no right or wrong. There is only what you need right now. And only you can figure that out.
Hang in there. It really, truly does get better...and easier. Time.
Elle
Today is day 86 since I discovered his affair. Today is also the first that that I have tried to think through the pain rather then being lost in it. It still takes my breath away to think about it and the questions and mental images still haunt me, but I think I am finally ready to start sorting through the mess. I decided that time away from him was the only way I would be able to do this so I drove 350 miles to come stay with my mother for a week. Mental Health Vacation. I am finally seeing how horrile I have "dealt" with his betrayl. I managed to stay calm when I confronted him, but all the anger and words that I didnt say have been killing me slowly. At times I don't think I could have even explained how I felt or what I was thinking; let alone how to say it. Apparently I thought I was "dealing"; when in reality I have been on a vicious downward spiral. I now see that I never gave myself permission to be mad, sad, angry and even to mourn; so I have bottled it up. Time to get a shovel and dig in! I know this is just the start and that there will be many more days when it sneaks up on me, but next time I will be prepared. These last few months have been a living hell and by far the hardest thing I have ever been faced with, but if it wasnt for finding this site and some eye opening articles on Oprahs website it may have very well taken me another 86 days to even get out of bed. Thank you for sharing your stories and your pain. Although we can't possibly believe else anyone knows or could survive our pain; it is helpful to know that I am not alone and that there is somewhere I can turn for support. God knows all my "friends" disappeared about two weeks into my spiral. Thank You again.
ReplyDelete~Working on Me, in Colorado
Dear "Me" in Colorado,
ReplyDeleteI'm really glad you found this site and that you're finding other areas on the Web that are helpful. Sadly, this is one those things that friends often can't help us through...even if they've gone through it themselves. Some friends can be wonderful through this...but in others, it can trigger feelings that they don't want to or can't yet look too closely at.
Which is sort of what likely happened to you in the days following D-Day. It's common to numb ourselves to such extreme emotional pain because we simply can't handle it all at once. Letting it trickle out in more manageable amounts is a survival tactic that can spare us in the early days. Of course, it's crucial that we do deal with the feelings at some point. We can't keep them buried forever or they'll come out in really unhealthy ways. But we can deal with them bit by bit.
Like you, I thought I was handling the whole situation quite well. It wasn't until a few months later that I really fell apart. I even considered suicide, though I can now see that I just wanted some way out of the pain and couldn't imagine a day that I would feel okay.
It's the one thing I wish I could really give to anyone reading this site -- the absolute belief that they will be okay. That the devastation will clear and life will make sense again.
It will...but you're right. You're going to have to dig through all the feelings that this has created: sadness, anger, confusion, hurt, resentment, fear... Feel them and then, as best you can, let them go. They exist to prompt you to take action to keep yourself safe. And to remind you that, within yourself, is a haven. Might not feel like it right now, but it's the biggest lesson for me in all of this: I alone am responsible to taking care of myself and ensuring that my needs and wants are considered.
Hang in there. If you want, share your experience and read others' comments about how they're healing from this.
We've walked in your shoes.
Elle
2 months into marriage my husband had an affair with no girlfriend I found out about it and left it at that he then another affair and had a child meanwhile I lost myself he came back we had another child meanwhile I was unaware that he was still having an affair after 3 years we finally got divorced and I thought I was fine I went on with my life thought I was handling it and got remarried to a real nice guy that lives next door 25 years and to our marriage he also had an affair I fell apart all the old feelings from my first marriage came back how could I be So Unworthy of love my husband denied the affair but we split up for 10 days to decide what we want to do I let him come back but my feelings were not changed all I can see what her and all I could think about was my first marriage and all the Affairs that he had I handled it with medication for depression anxiety and pain and curled up I didn't take care of myself I felt unworthy I felt lonely and I totally felt unloved now I've learned that I have to go on with my life take care of myself at least for my children which are now grown and have children of Their Own so I have grandbabies to think of and I have a family that loves me so now I'm looking for ways to handle my feelings so I came across this site and thought I would write and see how many other people have been through what I have been through and learn to live with this pain thank you for listening Terry
DeleteLost my marital innocence about 4 months ago when, I asked my rarely seen anymore husband if we still had a marriage and he said I don't know. Sitting there looking down at the ground I just knew this was not just a I don't know if I love you anymore look.... I demanded is there someone else! Of course silence that screams yes while he musters the courage to say no to your face with every ounce of deceit he has left in him. It fills the space between my chest cavity where my heart has stopped beating and my lungs have refused to do their job anymore. I turned and grabbed my keys and drove down the street to scream at the top of my lungs in a secluded park parking lot. I drove back home after about 20 min. and asked the question again. this time the confession and the nightmare began.
ReplyDeleteSo sorry for what you're going through. I hope you'll find strength and comfort in the words and women here. We've been there. We're moving through it.
DeleteElle
2 days ago my suspicions of my husband seeing somebody else were confirmed when I overheard a whispered argument between the two. I had asked him outright before if he was seeing someone (as far back as march), but he never admitted it. We have 3year old boy and 1 and a half year old girl who mean the world to us, but he has decided to leave us for her. I just cannot believe that he would give us up to follow this infatuation. He still wants to be part of the children's life and support us, but I just feel heart-broken and humiliated, especially that after the months of lying and stringing me along he has made this decision. I'm just so sad that we're not a family anymore.
DeleteI'm so sorry for what you're going through. This must be excruciating for you, especially with two young kids.
DeleteOn the up side, your kids are so young that you'll likely be spared the agony of watching their little hearts break because they won't really get what's happening beyond daddy not being around quite so much.
As awful as it is, the best thing for your kids is to have a relationship with your husband. And of course, he should support all of you. Forget the humiliation. That's how HE should be feeling. And the woman who would get involved with a married man and father. THEY are the ones who should feel like total douchebags.
A friend of mine cried every time her son would go to his father's house (because he ended up with the OW) but, to her credit, she never said or did anything to change her son's image of his "great" dad. The result is a really well-adjusted kid who's been allowed to love both his parents. And my friend, after licking her wounds for a couple of years, found a really great guy who she married and who is an incredible step-dad to her son. So life can still deliver happily-ever-afters.
For now, just put one foot in front of the other and focus on getting through the next five minutes, half-hour, day, etc. It gets easier.
Get yourself a lawyer and make sure you get every single thing you're entitled to.
And then count yourself lucky that SHE got stuck with the guy who lies and cheats and leaves his family. Of course, as a liar and cheater herself, maybe she hasn't noticed his lack of moral fibre.
Elle
I have been with my husband since I was 15. It was 3 years ago since I discovered my husband was cheating. After almost a year of counseling by a highly recommended therapist, I found my husband was still carrying on the affair even though he professed to love me and "he was only helping the girl as a father figure!". I believed my husband was ill and had a sexual addiction, as was diagnosed and continued to try to save a 40-year marriage. Unfortunately due to my trauma and fear, I did not listen to my new counselor who told me to stop seeing him for 6 months and work on myself. Then I needed to see true humbleness, transparency and sincerity. Not just in words, but in change of behavior and actions, with no time limit for my healing. I am now filing for divorce after finding an article on the Internet which proved that, once again my husband was still in contact with his mistress. I am baffled as he professes to want to be married to our kids. Why does a man do this. It is like half of my heart was ripped off when I found out and there is a permanent scar. I'll never be the same and my kids dont understand after a couple of years, why I still hurt. Can you explain this to me and to them? Will my husband ever be honest or the man I married again?
ReplyDeleteI'm so sorry for the continued pain you're going through.
DeleteWhy does a man do this? Because he's broken. Hurt people hurt people, as the saying goes. He probably does love you the best he's able to love anyone at this point in time. Sadly, it isn't enough.
You're right that you'll never be the same...but that doesn't have to be a bad thing. You'll be wiser. Stronger. You can grow from this and come to a place where you can offer your love to someone better able to offer you his.
Your kids simply don't have the life experience to understand just how deeply betrayal cuts. I'm guessing that, on some level, they're hurt by their father's actions which might also feel like a rejection of them. But on the surface, they just want everything to be "okay" and to trust that their mom is going to get everyone through this.
Whether or not your husband can ever be honest is up to him. If he's willing to seek help for his broken-ness, it's possible. But he'll never be the man you married. He perhaps never was the man you thought you married.
In the meantime, you can't control him or his actions. Your counsellor is wise to encourage you to focus on your own healing. Become the most whole person you can, be a great mom to your kids and trust that, with time and healing, your life can be wonderful, with or without him.
Elle
Betrayal is really hard to work through and you do see the world through different eyes. I haven't shared my story with very many people because it's still raw and a lot of people do respond poorly. I love my husband and want to make my marriage work. People view you and your marriage differently if you share a story like this. I didn't even consider that there would be sites out there where you can talk about it anonymously, so I'll have to check these out. http://beyondaffairs.com/category/surviving-infidelity-testimonials/
ReplyDeleteHollie,
DeleteI hope you will take the time to share your story. It's so important to find a safe space where you feel validated and "normal" for what you're going through. It's hell...but it doesn't last forever.
Welcome.
I'm on day 3 of knowing my husbands affair. I am a true believer in the Lord but its hard to go through this and encourage myself all at the same time. I feel so much anger, pain, broken, and confused. I trust God will heal us and I know this is a test to make me stronger as a woman, new mom, and wife. I love my husband and want to help him fight his "inner demons". I promised before God that I would work out anything and not quit but I am crying out for stength and help!
DeleteWhere do I begin. In march of 2014 I found all these dating sites that my husband had signed up for. He also signed up kik messenger and was having sexting conversations with people. He promised to get help and said that the urge was stemming from a horrible abusive situation from when he was a pre teen. The sexual abuse he encountered was pretty horrific and I justified his actions of the date site and all prior things like drinking amd drugs with this excuse. Then in november of 2014 I found an ad he had placed on craigslist to meet up physically with a man or women. Again he said the urge stemmed from the abuse. But this time I was done. U derstand our ten years of marriage hasnt been the greatest. He is a very verbally abusive and head game kind of person. I didnt even realize the damage he was doing to me. Always given a lose lose situation. For exame if I am stay at mom then I am lazy and need to get a job. So I get a job amd its why isnt the house spotless what do you do all day if your gonna work you need to be able to do both. Of course making sure my job didnt take me out of the home when the kids were there. So anyway in nov I said no more and through his boss found this sober house to live in and help deal with his issues. He begged me even made the statement let me prove I deserve to be your husband. He comes to visit friday night a d stays through sunday untill he has his dinner meeting. Well due to superbowl the guys lastnight meeting off so he stayed the night. Sometimes insomnia gets the best of me and I decided to snoop through his phone. (This is not a norm for me. Last time I found the info it was an alert that popped up on his thag he had a msg from kik and the parital msg that showed up on screen was pretty sexual). Praying I wouldnt find anything I notice his email was shut off. I turned it on and sure enough there was two new emails lookifng to confirm new accounts for hookup sites. Its basically a date for sex. He says they came across his screen and he signed up but never confirmed or even checked out the site. Now I dont know what to do he lives about 70 miles away in the sober house were you are required to attend meetings but otherwise its faith thag you are getting better not babysitters. How do I continue to be able to heal when he keeps doing this. Is thjs repeated behavior even while seeking help somethig I will always have to deal with. And not to mention we made a location change a few years ago to a different state to be by his parents to help them out. He went ahead of by six months and he confessed to me that he had cheated with twi different women while he was up there alone.
ReplyDeleteI'm so sorry for everything you've gone through...and are continuing to go through.
DeleteYour first priority absolutely must be you and your children. You need to ensure that you are in a safe, stable and predictable environment. He has repeatedly lied to you, repeatedly betrayed your trust, and from the sounds of it, been verbally abusive over the years. That has not only deeply wounded you but also your children.
I strongly urge you to seek counselling for yourself. You can't live in that sort of volatile situation without it taking a huge toll on you...and eroding your own self-esteem.
Put aside his recovery for now. He's in the right place and can either learn from it or continue to ignore it. That's HIS choice. Yours is to get yourself emotionally healthier so that you can model self-respect and boundaries to your children.
It sounds as if he's been emotionally unhealthy for many, many years. Sexual abuse has likely created all sorts of issues in him. But to continue to use it as an excuse to mistreat you is simply unacceptable. That said, you need to make it clear that you will no longer put up with it.
So...make yourself and your healing Goal #1. And I would tell him he's not welcome home until you figure things out for yourself.
Recently discovered my husband of 15 years is having an affair with a co- worker. Apart from being devastated I am trying to determine how and what to tell our 14 year old daughter. He has been completely checked out as a parent and husband for the last six months. I have known for a while and kept quiet and have been covering for him telling my daughter daddy is out working hard. He is preparing to leave and I am not sure what to say. I have asked him to re connect with her as he has been ignoring her I imagine from guilt and shame. I wish I could tell her dad has no time for you because he is out with his girlfriend and spending our family money on her but I know it's not fair to put that on her but is it fair to lie to her. I fear she will find out on her own. I have been so worried about my daughter I haven't really processed myself what is happening. I fear my anger will get the best of me one if these days.
ReplyDeleteYour daughter is really lucky to have you...and she's going to need you more than ever.
DeleteI would be inclined to call her school and see if there's a guidance counsellor or school psychologist available who might have some ideas. Sadly I suspect this happens more than most of us realize.
I think it's really important to ensure she understands that this isn't a rejection of her, even if it feels like one. I think it's fair to acknowledge that your husband's inability to face his feelings means that those around him get hurt. But that it really has nothing to do with those around him (ie. you and her). You two are collateral damage -- the result of someone running from their own emotions instead of being a grown-up and owning them. You don't need to get into too much with her. Ideally your husband will sit down with you and tell her. She certainly doesn't need the nitty-gritty details (the fact that she's pubescent and dealing with her own emerging sexuality can simply amp up the whole extra-marital sex part).
And I applaud you loudly for putting her emotional needs before your own desire to reveal your husband for the idiot he is. It can be sooooo tempting to hurt our spouse by turning the kids against him but in the end, it's the kids who pay the highest price. She deserves to be able to love her flawed idiot of a dad as who he is. She's learning at a young age, unfortunately, that people we love can make horrible life choices. But it's THEIR life choices to make. We get to choose to life our lives differently.
I would also urge you to get her at least a few visits to a psychologist to help her through this. Somebody who can make sure she isn't blaming herself, someone who can help her with the anger she'll likely feel (she might turn the anger inward and become depressed).
This is all worse-case scenario, of course, but I think it's important to be prepared. She might be glad to finally have her niggling suspicions confirmed. It's crazy-making when someone tells you things that don't line up with what you believe to be true. By coming clean and telling her that you wanted to protect her, you're giving her permission to be honest with you too.
And I hope you'll also get yourself counselling so that you're able to stay strong for her...and yourself.
You sound like an incredible mom who doesn't deserve any of this pain. I'm sorry. But I have a feeling you two are going to be just fine.
Elle, Thank you for your reply. My husband is now gone and for whatever reason chose valentines day which devastated our daughter. He chose to leave without telling her first and I had to explain it to her. Snuck out like a thief in the night. Her father was the first to break her heart. I am truly amazed by his selfish and insensitive behavior. He is a coward. He has been texting our daughter and yes she is now angry and chooses not to reply to his messages. She refuses to see him for now and I am not going to force her. He knows where we live and could come if he truly wanted to. I explained to her that texting is not a relationship. He is acting like nothing has changed and wants to take her for lunch and shopping. He is also texting to make plans with her directly and not contacting me. He thinks I have turned her against him but I covered for him for months. She feels how she feels I have listened and watched her cry while he sees none of his destruction. I know it is time for legal advice I am just shocked by his ability to not comprehend what he has done to our family. Myself I am all over the map balling one day and in a rage the next. Hoping legal help will help me to get through yet next while And knowing my rights so I can prepare for my future with my daughter. I am so proud of her she has handled this so well and her father Chose the worst possible way to leave his family. It could have been handled so different and that is probably where my anger comes from. Hopefully time really does heal all wounds. I did recently learn that the co worker he is involved with was laid off so maybe that was karma for her disgusting behavior with my husband.
DeleteYour husband is an ass. I'm so sorry for you and for your daughter. I'm glad she has you to remind her of her value -- that his behaviour is about HIM and not about HER or you. That people we love can disappoint us but that doesn't have to make us bitter. It can just make us wiser.
DeleteAbsolutely get yourself lawyered up and ensure that your rights are protected. It wouldn't hurt for your daughter to see a counsellor to help her sort through this. Fourteen is such a tough age at the best of times. She needs someone who can help her see that not all men are bad, not all sex is wrong and hurtful and that she's got all the resources she needs to survive pain and get back on her feet.
Good luck. I hope you'll continue to keep us posted on how things are going. We're all rooting for you and your incredible daughter.
I found out a little over a year ago my husband was having numerous affairs with prostitutes. My whole life felt like it caved in. I had known for some time before caught him stopping for them. Regardless of what has
ReplyDeletehappened I still love him very much. It is so very difficult to keep moving forward when my head feels one thing and my heart tells me another. Never a truer word spoken that betrayal changes your whole life that it will never be the same again. We want to make it work we have been to counseling but there are so many triggers in every day life that are constant reminders.
Those triggers will lessen with time. If they don't, you're likely suffering for PTSD, which is surprisingly common among those of us who've dealt with betrayal.
DeleteHang in there. Continue to read and post. Sometimes offering advice or sharing support with others helps us get clearer on our own situation. You're among friends...
I found out about 3 weeks ago that my husband of 6 years has been having a year long affair with a coworker. I had suspicion before the actual confirmation but had always been reassured I was being jealous and never would he do that. We had stopped sleeping in the same bed for almost 8 months. He claimed he knew it "kept me awake" with his sleep disturbance at night. Actually I think he probably felt too guilty to share a bed with me. I forced him to tell me every detail the night i found her text messages. He did ( im fairly certain with the horrible details i cant imagine him leaving anything out. Its about as bad as it gets) and cried for the first time in our relationship and basically told me that he only fell to her bc he felt he no longer had me. He says he felt I had checked out. I feel he gave up when things got strained. Things weren't great but I didnt screw anyone else. Although I really wish now I had. Our 4 children are stuck in the crossfire here and I have decided to try to make it work. I do love him but sometimes I look at him and I really just want to smack the hell.out of him. Why do I feel like the inadequate one? Why do I feel like I have to walk on eggshells to keep him from straying? Has anyone else had these feelings? Does it get any better or am I wasting my time thinking we can get back what we had?
ReplyDeleteAnonymous,
DeleteHas anyone else had these feelings? Yep. I would venture ALL of us have had these feelings.
A few things I want you to think about right now. Number one and the MOST important: His cheating is not about you. It has never been about you. Forget what he's telling you. He cheated because he didn't want to face uncomfortable feelings. He cheated because it was easier than feeling scared or lonely or anxious. That's one of the hardest things for we betrayed wives to understand but it had nothing to do with us. We're just collateral damage.
Another thing: You do not need to know right now how this is going to turn out. All you need to know is where you want to be right now...and where it's safe to be right now.
And finally, do you very best -- and I know it's hard -- to protect your kids from the crossfire. This is terrifying for them. And it has NOTHING to do with them. Assure them that they are safe. That they are loved. And that the adults will do their best to handle the adult stuff.
One more thing: A good therapist is worth his/her weight in gold to support you through this. Find one for yourself. And one for your husband. You'll be glad you did.
Don't forget there's tons of info on this site, as well as support and compassion from those of us who've been there. You'll get through this. I promise.
I think my husband's cheating, I've caught him.deleting text messages, messaging women on fb, the list goes on and on, but if I confront him he turns the tables. Why am I going through his phone blah blah blah, we have 2 kids, I recently lost my job and I feel like if I leave him I have no where.to go, no financial means. Idk wat to do. I love him.no doubt about that. and I thought he loved me. I'm heart broken. there's no other way to describe it
ReplyDeleteHeartbroken pretty much sums it up.
DeleteIf your husband is deleting messages, talking to women on FB, etc. it certainly sounds as if he's doing something he shouldn't be.
Can you talk with him openly? Can you tell him your fears? Brace yourself to hear the worst. And brace yourself to be told you're crazy, imagining things, jealous, etc. If your gut says there's something going on, however, I generally think there probably is. It's possible to snoop on social media, install a key logger, etc. though I'm not good at that stuff. Perhaps Google some tricks.
In any case...keep us posted. Let's hope you're wrong.
My husband has been cheating on me virtually with other girls for 5 years- since we have been together. He is a sex/love addict and he doesn't want to fully admit it and take responsibility of changing his situation. He has been an addict for 15 years, but the stupid he is, he believes that our marriage is what is causing him to be this way. I heard a lot only if he can have sex with someone things will be great between us. He wants to get rid of the curiosity that 15 years of porn has brought to him. I am sick of him. I am. I haven't been able to share this with anyone (well accept with his mom and my therapist). He does not even have sex with me because he spends most of his day time either working or sex chatting. I'm stuck in a relationship that I don't want anymore but I'm too scared of leaving as I don't know what the world will bring me. I don't feel I can trust any guy anymore. I don't know what a healthy committed relationship looks like since I haven't been in one. He was my first guy and first love and I am his first. We got married young. My parents make a wonderful role model to me, but they are way older and came before internet porn is available. It is 1am in my time now, and I don't know what to feel anymore, so I thought of writing things down. It makes me feel better when I see that I'm not the only one who's suffering, but at the same time, it makes me feel SAD that men are a**h*** and a lot of girls are suffering because of them. As you can see, I have completely lost my faith in men. The other day it was my graduation, and he didn't sleep with them and I wake up in the morning the graduation day and I was so mad. He was chatting with "friends" ALL FREAKING night and leaving me by myself. Then, after w came back, he got back to chatting again until 11pm at night before he crashed sleeping. I did a mistake of reading his messages, but I felt the urge to do so. He was telling a girl that he "friend" dragged him to a graduation party and there were a lot of hot girls there with sexy legs. That just made me so MAD. I felt like killing him asleep. I do not know what or how to feel now. I want to tell him I'm over with him but hope is what is keeping me in this relationship. I know it sounds like a simple equation and I should leave him especially I'm independent financially and still young. But I think many of you know how hard it is.
ReplyDeleteSorry for bothering you all, but I felt the need for someone to read my thoughts.
Graduate,
DeleteI will not mince words. You need to leave right now. You are seeing what the REST OF YOUR LIFE will look like. Please, unless you want to still be writing the same message to this Web site in ten, 20, 30 years...get out.
He is showing you who he is. And, trust me, there are many MANY men out there who are wonderful and kind and trustworthy.
Get yourself into therapy so that you can begin to understand the emotional price you're paying for staying in this relationship...and to learn what a healthy relationship looks like and what healthy boundaries look like. That way, when you do begin dating again, you've got some idea of what's healthy and what's not.
Please, please, please don't put up with this any longer. This is emotional abuse. Don't fall into the trap of thinking that all guys are like this. They're absolutely not. Your husband has a serious problem but unless he's willing to see that -- and he shows no signs of that -- then nothing will change. You need to be the change...by getting out and getting yourself help.
My Husband cheated with his sick o ex...even on our wedding night!! We have 8 kids two are in elementary other four are in Jr high and two are at home. I've stuck it out but I'm finding myself more and note discussed by his actions...makes me want to puke!! I've stayed faithful! I just don't know what to do or where to turn!!
ReplyDeleteRCO,
DeleteJust keep putting one foot in front of the other. Focus on your own healing right now. Take care of yourself. Get yourself a therapist if you don't already have one and begin to work through the pain. Don't force yourself to make any decisions right now.
You'll get through this.
My betrayal came to light in 2006 in the drs office with the results of my and my husbands hiv tests im negative hes possitive.pretty much the bottom dropped out of my life that day ,come to find out my husband had been having homosexual affairs on the downlow for almost 19 yrs,i chose to try to understand all the dynamics of his struggle to hide his truth and why and forgave him and stayed its been 9 yrs later and it has just became a marriage of sorts no more sex anymore and really no physical affection at all anymore,not even companionship im always home alone and he does pretty much what he wants he has a gambling problem and gambles every cent he gets except i dont allow him to get ahld of household budget anymore or id end up homeless now for the past month and a half hes been taking my sons girlfriends mom everywhere with him and i sit at home alone i told him it bothers me and i dont like it and he still does this like i didnt say a word .i have no income of my own as im pending ssd and can,ot support myself now and i find myself thinking at age 56 its too late anyway so just biding my time i guess ive given up and i feel bad and very lonley ALOT...what would you do if you were me????
ReplyDeleteUnknown,
DeleteI think 56 means that you still have a lot of years left to create a life that gives you joy. I think it's time to show this guy the door. But first, get to a lawyer and figure out what you're entitled to financially to ensure that you'll be able to support yourself. Create a plan. You need to get out of this marriage before it eats up the rest of your life. You've served your time. Now it's time to release yourself to happiness.
I just found out 2 months ago today that my husband of 19 years was having an affair We have 3 adult kids i always suspected something was up between the two of them i did ask a couple of times but he denied it. We got in a huge fight last August and he moved into another bedroom where he slept for 8 months. And i beleive that shortly after that is when the affair started it went on for a year. I do beleive i pushed him away by never wanting to do or go with him any where. We almost lost both our sons a couple of years ago to 2 separate accidents and thats when i became with drawn from him My fault I know not much of a marriage. The only reason he told me was because her husband found out about them And my husband didn't want me to hear it from anyone else. It was one of the darkest and saddest days of my life. I cried for days and 2 months later still can't seem to stop crying He answered all the questions i asked He told me he loved her and didn't want to end it with her. We talked all weekend Finally said he wanted to work it out with me and agreed to end it with her. You see they had made plans to leave their spouses and be together even talked marriage. But she wanted to wait till her 16 year old was out of high school. He has ended it with her (he shared some of the email conversion they had when he was ending it ) He tells me repeatedly how sorry he is for everything and that he loves and he's sorry for all the pain he has caused me ane hopes he can make it up to me. He has really been honest with me We are working on fixing whats been broken for a couple of years and getting along great I just can't get the image of them together out of my head Even though we slept apart we were not separated In may at our daughters wedding he told me he loved me and finally moved back in our room but the affair continued until her husband found out 2 months later How can I move on and stop making myself sick over it He told me a couple of weeks ago he misses her misses talking to her But he still says he's sorry about everything But has never said he regrets what he did or the affair and i think that's one of my problems. I don't have closure
ReplyDeleteAnonymous,
DeleteI'm so sorry for what you're going through. You've had some horrible experiences and it's not surprising that your marriage became less stable.
Two months probably seems like an eternity but it's such a short time when dealing with infidelity. You've got a lot of pain to process and rebuilding trust takes years.
I'm not sure we get "closure" so much as we simply stop dwelling on what happened and instead focus on what came of it. If we rebuild a marriage based on honesty and trust and integrity, then often that marriage is a more satisfying one than the "old" one. But, of course, that takes two. And in the meantime, you've got to work through all the devastation of your husband making a choice to be intimate with someone outside your marriage.
I would urge you to get a therapist to help you through this. While you can't make your husband "regret" this, he might come to that conclusion himself when he recognizes just how much pain this has caused. As hard as it is for we betrayed wives to hear, the affair felt good to our spouses. It gave them something that was exciting. But remember, an affair is often about the fantasy not the reality. In other words, it's not the person who excited them, it's the novelty and the danger and the escape of the affair that they have a hard time regretting.
That said, a key part of healing within the marriage is our partner's ability to show empathy -- that they truly understand the pain we're in and regret causing it.
Start by finding yourself a good therapist who can help you deal with the pain of betrayal. And hang in there. You will get through this.
I just found out 2 days ago. Married 10 years. We have 2 boys age 7 and 8 who have autism. I live my life for them with therapies and classes. Hubby works nights as a correction captain. On Thursday I found a hotel receipt from Tuesday night. He was supposed to be working (midnight shift). He checked in 11:30 and out 7am. Then came home to me telling me he was going to sleep from his rough night at work. I confronted him when I found it and he admitted it was 3 times and with someone he contacted from an ad for a "fling with no strings" in a magazine. I am devasted and angry and not sure how to get past it. My world crashed. :(
ReplyDeleteTwo years into my marriage while im seven months pregnant with twins my husband tells me that I don't stimulate him mentally physically emotionally or spiritually. I was devastated. After the birth of our twins I didnt know what do or who to turn to. Soon after the verbal and emotional abuse started. It was particularly bad and escilated into physical intimidation and agressive threats.through all this I wad non provocative and silent to afraid yo do anything else. In our third year of marriage he started seeing someone at work. I repeatedly caught him talking to her and heard her voice in the background while I talked him. But he insisted that I have mental problem. I was forced to see a psychiatrist and psychologist all of whom dont believe that he is cheating instead say I am the unstable. He is comes across as anything besides a cheating spouse. But he doesn't want anyone yo know that he has been cheating for thirteen years with the same person because it would destroy both of their public reputations. Everyday is a struggle because he lies to me all the time and I know it. But im stuck in the relationship because of my four children. I feel emtionally and mentally abused everyday. One minute he is telling how useless and pathetic I am and the next how much we need he cares about. I feel used like the two cheaters have have a real life and a real while my relationship is a lie and im just a pawn in their game.
ReplyDeleteOh honey, I just saw this post. I'm so sorry. You are in an abusive relationship. Please find an agency in your community or a GOOD therapist who can help you build the strength to get out. You deserve so much more than this.
DeleteIt's been almost 3 months since I found out my husband of 10 years was having an affair for 8 months. I never seen it...we were so happy. I have my good days and I have my bad days...my bad days I want to just pack my stuff and leave. we are in consoling and he has been great. He has given me all access to his text messages and emails and phone calls. But I can't stop thinking about him with her to see the future. He is working so hard to repair us. I guess I struggle with it because i don't understand it. He would text everyday just to tell me he loves me, or how much he wanted me. All the time seeing another woman telling her the same. I love him and hate him at the same time. I feel like my heart is battling right now...which one is going to win..the love or hate! The hate is so strong right now at times. He says he will never stop trying! He says he loves me and doesn't want to lose me. But all I can see is he wasn't worried when he was screwing her! He has been bending over backwards jumping at my every need. Begging me to not leave him. Give him a chance to show me how sorry he is and how much he truly does love me. Again all I can see is if he loved me that much how could he have done this to me. I cry a lot. I get angry a lot!! I feel like I'm drowning in my own emotions.
ReplyDeleteFeeling Lost,
DeleteThree months is still pretty raw and your feelings are "normal" under the circumstances. People cheat for all sorts of stupid reasons, but mostly they fall in love with the reflection of themselves in the other person's eyes. They feel exciting and sexy...all the things they don't really believe about themselves. It's a fantasy and it usually has nothing to do with whether they love their spouse. It's only when they realize what they can lose that they realize the Other Woman doesn't matter at all.
Let yourself cry. Find ways to express your anger that aren't going to land you in jail. And be kind and gentle with yourself while you heal.
Thank you, I told my husband about this site. How awesome it is to talk and read about woman that are going through the same things. He thinks it's great for me and has encouraged me to continue. The other woman contacted him yesterday through email...but I have to say the way he handled made me feel good. Without my help he responded very well. He allowed me to read it and make sure I was ok with it before sending it. I didn't want to change one word. He said it perfectly! Basically he told her he loves his wife he wants nothing more then to work it out and the biggest mistake of his life was getting involved with her and there isn't a day that goes by that he doesn't regret it. He told her it was all a lie and he got sucked in by the devil and got away from God but that will never happen again and he will spend the rest of his life loving, taking care of and making it up to me! Then he told her if she contacts him again he will personally contact her husband and inform him of everything. So far he hasn't heard anything back. Thank god!!
ReplyDeleteFeeling Lost,
DeleteI hope you won't hear from her again either. Though these people often don't go away easily. Sounds like your husband has learned a thing or two already about boundaries.
Hang in there, honey. It gets better. I promise.
My husband cheated on me with someone 7 years older than me and she has 5 kids ( he is not a kid person) . Not that being attractive matters but she is not nearly as pretty as me. I feel like nothing and my self confidence is gone. I am crying at work all the time. He works at Boeing so the person he had an affair with works there which has added to my craziness knowing he sees her every day. I believe it is over though. The affair only lasted 3 weeks and was only physical (lunch 2 times and one day at a hotel where he was unable to perform so there was so actual sex) I caught him the day he went to the hotel. I have talked to the woman and she is terrified i will tell everyone at Boeing what kind of person she is. My husband and I are very religious and active in our church and I thought we were best friends so this is especially hard for me. She is my polar opposite. She smokes, swears, wants to give blow jobs in a car and has 5 kids with 4 different husbands. I looked on her facebook and she swears and is rude and crude. I always thought I was the type of wife he wanted.There is zero problems in the sex department. No shortage there ever. How do I feel better and get over this? We are going to Christian counseling as well as with our pastor. I just can't get over the fact he works with her. He has worked there for 30 years. I am thinking terrible thoughts of revenge. I do believe he is sorry but i can't stop punishing and berating him and going over and over in my head the things they said and text eachother in those 3 weeks :( Any ideas?
ReplyDeleteUnknown,
DeleteBoy oh boy, do I know those feelings of rage. I have never felt such anger in my life.
Sometimes, when we're able to really express that rage, it burns itself out. Behind it is, usually, a whole lot of hurt and fear. And when we're able to express those feelings, to have them acknowledged and validated, we can work through them.
Your husband continuing to work with this woman is problematic, to say the least. Can he find a way to have no contact with her? Is her fear of being outed enough to keep her far away from him? If they want to get together, of course, there's not much you can do. But if your husband is committed to rebuilding his marriage, it can certainly help to have her out of the picture as much as possible to ease your fear.
I do want to make a few things clear, based on your comments. Your husband's choice to cheat with this woman has NOTHING to do with you. That's not the same as saying there aren't issues in your marriage that need addressing. It's to say that you could be the absolutely perfect wife...and it won't stop someone from cheating if they're unable or unwilling to deal with their own emotions in a healthy way. Cheating is a distraction from uncomfortable feelings. It's an escape from life. It's about the reflection seen in the other person's eyes, that makes a cheater feel special and interesting. It's about looking outside for something that can only come from inside.
You didn't cause him to cheat. That's on him.
I found out about my husband's affair nearly 2 years ago by discovering the evidence on our family computer. The evidence was from nearly 3 year prior to the day I found out. I was and still am crushed. I was instantly irate, too. Kicked him out immediately and didn't speak to him or let him see our 2 small children for a week. Shortly thereafter, I found out I was actually 8 weeks pregnant with our 3 child. I was shocked and devastated. How was I to work full time, try going back to school, and take care of 3 children on my own?? He promised the affair was short lived but it was almost a double whammy because he was cheating on me with a girl who I considered a close friend and she was also a co-worker of mine. I didn't care how many time it happened- it was still cheating, and lying straight to my face day after day. I tried counseling briefly but I felt like the counselor was rushing my grieving and stopped going. I felt like she expected me to make a decision- stay or leave- and with 3 small children not to mention our monthly finances, it wasn't something I thought I could just decide overnight. So far, we are trying to keep things together. He has since switched jobs to try to be home and more present. I am still working and going to school and trying to keep our little ones happy and healthy. But it seems like even though we agreed to open and honestly communication, I just can't seem to let go of the bitterness and resentment I felt from day 1. It is literally killing me from the inside out. I can't stand feeling so negative all the time but it's as if I've dug myself a deep hole and I can't seem to find the light to find my way out. And at this point, I feel like I love what we had but I'm not in love with him anymore, yet I can't seem to find the strength to separate. I just feel lost and angry.
ReplyDeleteI found out July 30th of this year that my husband and partner of 17 years was having an affair with his sisters best friend and that his sister was encouraging it. His sister and I were so incredibly close. This hit me on so many levels of betrayal. The woman he had the affair with said when our first daughter was born that she should have been her daughter. 14 years ago and his sister told me that. I remember holding my newborn baby and wondered why and how anyone could possibly say or think that. I was at work when I received the phone call from her husband that they were having an affair. My husband denied it but later admitted everything to her husband and told him he could tell me. Another blow. Almost 17 years together and he couldn't even be man enough to tell me what he did. We have two daughters together and I was frantically trying to do everything to repair and restore our marriage. He told me I had not been a good wife for two years. Those two years I was going to school full time and working a full time job and a part time job. He always made me feel like what I was doing was not enough for our family. I was getting a lot of money in scholarships and grants and from my jobs, but I was always made to feel less than. No matter what I did, I was never good enough. And then the woman he has an affair with has never had a job and also has 2 children whom spend most of their time with her mother while she sits at home all day doing nothing. This made me feel even more sick. Here he made me feel like I was such a horrible person when I was sacrificing everything for our family, getting a college education so we wouldn't have to work meaningless jobs and he has an affair with someone who literally offers nothing to society. I took him back one month after D day and that was the biggest mistake. My oldest daughter was and is still angry with him and my younger daughter was happy to have her daddy home. I was trying everything possible to be the perfect wife and mother and his attitude did not change in the least. He showed no remorse or sympathy for what he has done to our family. So tonight, I sat him down and talked to him and he told me he wasn't happy and he wanted out. I just don't understand it. He has a wife who adores him and 2 daughters who worship him. How can we not be enough? I cannot live like this so I told him that he needs to go. That our girls and myself will find our way without him and he can go and search for his happiness while we pick up the pieces of our shattered lives. Why do the cheaters always get to leave while we are left reeling, dealign with the shattered lives and forced to be the strong ones when we were the ones who were betrayed? I just do not understand any of this. I never thought this would happen to us. I was caught so off guard that day her husband called me. I knew we had issues as do all marriages, but I never would have ever assumed he would do this to our family. I hate not having the answers for myself or for my daughters.
ReplyDeleteWell I've been married for 14 years we meet in junior high n hit if off. God blessed me with 3 kids whom i love dearly. But sadly I just found out he's been cheating on me his whole demeanor changed and that was a red flag so I grabbed his phone and as I had suspected found girls phone numbers on his call history same numbers over and over . looked on his location history and he's was going over her house while he was supposed to b at work. He denies it but I don't believe a single word that man says .. 3 kids and 14 years me being at home �� attending to all his needs as well as my childrens . whats done is done he will forever lie about it . I'm in shock I'm my point of view I gave him what he needed but obviously he wanted "fastfood"
ReplyDeleteIt dosen't look like anyone is on this site, but I need to feel like I'm talking to someone one. Ten years ago my husband had a one time incident. Ten years later he had another...the circumstances will sound like BS and I know everyone will tell me I'm stupid, but I can see it's the truth. I never realized my husband is a weak man. He look so strong and together. His best friends sister made the move on him and he fell for it. I know...there is no excuse. But he then felt "buried and afaiad" that she had something on him. He was with her a dozen times over two years and finally had the balls to end it when his friend passed away. He is sick over this, says this is never the man he wanted to be. But, I am sick, too! How to move forward when he isn't doing the right things.
ReplyDeleteAnonymous,
DeleteThere are many on this site but because I moderate comments, the response can take some time.
Let me start by saying how sorry I am for what you're going through. You are among women who know exactly your pain. And your husband's story is not unusual, sadly.
However, the fact that he has stepped out of your marriage at least twice, and with considerable time in between, indicates that he really doesn't understand why he does this, and how to ensure it doesn't happen again. In order for you feel safe in your marriage and to move forward, he needs to get to the bottom of what's driving his behaviour. What story is he telling himself that makes this somehow okay? And where does it come from?
In other words, he needs to find a therapist who can help his sift through his behaviour and why, when he isn't being the "man he wanted to be", he does this.
While he's sorting himself out, I would also urge you to find a therapist who can support you as you process the grief and anger around betrayal. It's excruciating and a good therapist can help you heal from it in a way that makes you stronger and better able to trust and respect yourself through this. He/she can help you learn to enforce boundaries.
A marriage can grow stronger after this but it takes two people willing to do the uncomfortable work of rebuilding. It takes a truly remorseful cheater who's willing to take a hard look at himself.
You'll find a ton of support on this site (though you're far more likely to get replies if you post in any of the "regular" links rather than on old blog posts, or on the newer blog posts where people are still active).
Welcome. We're glad you found us.
Me and my husband have been married 14 years have 5 beautiful children have been through soo much cheated on each other and still together but very unhappy just found out he's been cheating for a little over a year my daughter's friend's mother was in a abusive relationship where she had no where to turn to so me out the kindness of my heart gave her a place to stay big mistake on my end she said my husband text her from my phone one night while I was asleep and ever since he has been cheating with her she left her husband and her kids and moved in with a friend of hers called my husband's voicemail he had promised he had stopped talking to her but he didn't called his voicemail from my phone and she was on their this is because he had got his phone number changed but he gave it to her again I address the issue with him he denied it until I put my phone on speaker and called his voicemail he got furious and said I was being nosy us women aren't stupid we know when a man isn't being faithful so ever since the marriage has hit rock bottom nothing I do makes him happy but he wants to stay in the marriage and live a unhappy life why is that?
ReplyDeleteMe and my husband have been married 14 years have 5 beautiful children have been through soo much cheated on each other and still together but very unhappy just found out he's been cheating for a little over a year my daughter's friend's mother was in a abusive relationship where she had no where to turn to so me out the kindness of my heart gave her a place to stay big mistake on my end she said my husband text her from my phone one night while I was asleep and ever since he has been cheating with her she left her husband and her kids and moved in with a friend of hers called my husband's voicemail he had promised he had stopped talking to her but he didn't called his voicemail from my phone and she was on their this is because he had got his phone number changed but he gave it to her again I address the issue with him he denied it until I put my phone on speaker and called his voicemail he got furious and said I was being nosy us women aren't stupid we know when a man isn't being faithful so ever since the marriage has hit rock bottom nothing I do makes him happy but he wants to stay in the marriage and live a unhappy life why is that?
ReplyDeleteLala, A better question is why do you want to stay with him when your marriage has already been marked by cheating on both sides and when he's clearly unwilling to make changes needed to rebuild your marriage? What do you get out it? I'm not saying you shouldn't want to be there, I'm just encouraging you to really ask yourself some tough questions in order to figure out what you really want going forward and how you might achieve that. Without him taking full responsibility for what he's done and without either of you taking the time and energy to really get to the root of why neither of you has been faithful, then I don't think the prognosis for your marriage is a good one. However, if you are both willing to do the hard work of looking at yourselves and your behaviour within the marriage and if you're both willing to learn how to be good partners to each other, then you can rebuild a good solid marriage. It's not easy. But it's possible.
DeleteI found out my husband was cheating about 2 months ago. It has been going on for at least a year. We've been together for 13 years and have 3 kids. The last year we had split up for a few months to work on our relationship (when I say split we just lived separately but still together not seeing other people was the arrangement) as our relationship got put on hold raising my children. It has been so difficult for me as he had lied and manipulated me and I can't get over it. The affair is out in the open and he's still with her which is killer cause he introduced my kids to her less than 2 weeks after telling me. And I still catch him in lies about the dumbest stuff. Why can't I just let it go cause I know I deserve so much more!! I've been going through this obsessive stage where I want to know his every move...I try to keep occupied but not helping...please help
ReplyDeleteThank you SO much for finding this site. I don't feel so completely alone, standing in my kitchen sobbing. My D-day was yesterday, 4th of July, a real independence day, when I found texts soliciting sex on my husband's phone...to 4 separate women. We have been married a month and 5 days. I feel so usepess...so pathetic. I don't want to be part of a community. I want a faithful Husband.
ReplyDeleteMy husband and I have been married for 11 years. I am on day 4 of finding out about a year long affair. Our marriage was always so easy. We were lovers, best friends, and an amazing realtionship that made everyone we know jealous. I never once suspected he would do anything like this. He had been withdrawn recently & blamed it on depression spawning from extreme stress at work. Then out of no where he confesses that he has been very involved with someone else and was not sure he wanted to end the relationship b/c he loves her. He then says he loves me too so is very conflicted about who he should be with. I told him to save out marriage he had to end it, which he said he did. Then he left to recover from his heart break. Not over what he had to do me but to mourn the side relationship. I have spoken to him a couple of times since he left. He says he wants to work things out with.me, but I am not sure I can stay. He shattered our life, my perception of him, my perception of what I thought real love was. He left me to nurse heart break of an affair??? Isn't that what I am supposed to do??? I want to work on our marriage but I just dont know that I am strong enough. That I can ever forgive him. I feel emotions I never knew I had. Confusion, loss, loss, betrayed just to name a few. Not one ounce of security. I guess I know what I need to do, just so sad to move forward.
ReplyDeleteUnknown,
DeleteYour husband has abandoned you emotionally and now physically. So, of course, you're feeling confused, loss and grief. And shock that you were so wrong about this person you considered your best friend.
There is no "right" way through betrayal. And it takes strength no matter which path you choose. But, in the early days, we're so often reeling from the shock and grief that it's not the best time to make a long-term decision. By all means, state your conditions to even consider reconciliation with him. To leave you while he mourns his heartbreak shows an incredible lack of empathy for what you're going through. But give yourself time to figure out what's next. Seek support wherever you can. You did not deserve this in any way and it can feel traumatizing to think you can't trust your own judgement. If you haven't already, find a good therapist who can help you process the pain you're in. Above all, be gentle with yourself and give yourself the time and space to heal.
Found out a couple months ago my husband of only 3 and 1/2 years cheated with a Mutual friend . Going to councling and we’re still together but it’s hard , when I ask him were he has been or what he has been doing he gets angry , guess he thinks I should be over it , I hold it in and try to smile , but I’m hurt and destroyed inside . I don’t no what to do any more . I cry all the time , and on top of that I found out three weeks after brain surgery . So I’m going threw so much right now and no one to talk to
ReplyDeleteTammy,
DeleteI'm so sorry for what you're going through. Everyone here knows the pain you're in and how alone you feel. And on top the excruciating pain of betrayal, you're recovering from brain surgery. You are incredibly strong, though I know you don't feel it right now.
I'm curious what your counsellor says about his anger and reluctance to tell you where he's been? It's perfectly natural, in the wake of betrayal, for you to need reassurance that he is where he says he is, that he's doing what he says he's doing, that he's not lying or cheating again. And the way we rebuild trust is by seeking out that reassurance and, sometimes, checking that what our husbands are telling us is true.
It takes two people to rebuild a marriage. What your husband is asking you to do is to give him a second chance. Why would you do that if he's not willing to do EVERYTHING he can to show that he deserves that second chance? He's giving you NO good reason to stay and plenty of reasons to leave.
So that's where I would start. I would make it clear that if he wants you to stay and rebuild a marriage then here are the rules. They start with Absolutely NO Contact with the Other Woman. And then, it's about transparency. You deserve access to his phone, his computer, etc. And he needs to commit to answering all your questions, no matter how intrusive he thinks they are, and to helping you slowly regain your trust in him.
Cheating on you at all, but especially after you've undergone serious surgery, was a devastating choice on his part. He needs to SHOW you that he will never do that to you again and do everything he can to show you that you are safe with him. If he can't do that, Tammy, then I honestly don't know how your marriage will ever feel safe for you again.
Please continue to post on this site. You're far more likely to get responses if you comment beneath the newer blog posts. But there's a ton of information on this site and an incredible community of wise, warm and wonderful women who will support you and guide you through.
Tammy, you didn't deserve any of this. And I'm so sorry for what you're going through. But you get to decide now what you're going to do going forward. You should not have to hold your feelings in. They are perfectly legitimate and deserve expression. The only way to process pain is to work through it. Please also get yourself an individual counsellor who can help you through this. You deserve support. You deserve kindness. You deserve respect. Give it to yourself.
Hello, I am a man, a husband, and I was unfaithful.
ReplyDeleteHi I never thought I would be posting anything like this to try and find out what to do. I have been very married for almost 8yrs I been knowing my husband been having affairs. He told me that this last time was when I was working and it's because I don't give him head often. I'm the only one who is working at this time. And I just don't understand. I love him. I don't want to leave him how can I save my extremely broken marriage
ReplyDeleteTrying wife,
DeleteI'm so sorry for what you're going through. You can't "fix" a marriage with someone who is excusing his behaviour by blaming you. If oral sex is that important to him, then perhaps it's something you can work through in therapy. But it sounds as though he's simply making excuses for his behaviour. What do you get out of this relationship that has kept you for eight years with someone who is unfaithful to you and not making any indication that he plans to change? I would urge you to seek counselling for yourself to figure out why you're settling for crumbs. You deserve better than this.
Im glad to have found this site and people who can understand what I am going through. My husband cheated on me through social media, dating sites, live web cam sites, and porn sites. I am heartbroken. Please someone let me know it can get better. Thank you.
ReplyDeleteI'm so sorry for the pain you're in. Everyone here know how devastating betrayal is. But we also know that, yes, it does get better. It takes a lot of time and lot of work. And it certainly helps if you have a remorseful spouse who takes full responsibility for the choices he made. But YOU will heal from this. Keep reading. Tell your story when you're ready. And trust that there's wisdom and support and compassion on this site that will light your way forward.
Delete2 months ago my husband sent me a text by mistake that was meant for another woman. We've been married a very long time with 4 adult children. We have a troubled marriage and we had both seen attorneys but hadn't informed each other of that. I thought I wouldn't care but I do. He calls it a friendship & doesn't want to end it. But he is unsure of where we stand and I am more confused that ever as I believe he is too. We are talking & somewhat rediscovering our relationship. As bad as our marriage was I trusted him. Betrayal is one of the worst kinds of pain. It started as an emotional affair for a year that then turned physical last September. I feel so much pain like so many others here.
ReplyDeleteBetrayal is excruciating but it can sometimes shake us out of wherever we are. Sometimes it forces our hand. Sounds like time to consider whether you two want to recommit to your relationship or take some time apart. The status quo of just carrying on is over... I know it hurts, Anonymous. But what is your gut saying?
DeleteI am getting married in 1 month, and have a 14 month old daughter with my future husband. Tonight I found out he has been sexting other people our whole relationship. I have accused him in the past. He has never made me feel crazy but little things nagged at me. We had been talking about a threesome. I found evidence and he first tried to say he was just trying to find someone for us.The problem is most of the sexting has been with drag queens. I am so hurt by the lying. I dont care who it was. He says he was embarrassed to tell me. I dont know what to do. I dont know if I want to stay with him just because I want to be married. Or if maybe I should try to work though this. I love him so much. He is an amazing father and has always been amazing to me while dealing with my depression. I feel I cant cancel our wedding as it is a destination wedding and people have paid so much. I cant talk to anyone because I dont want to change their opinions of him especially if we stay together. How do you fix the trust?
ReplyDeleteAnonymous,
DeleteYou are in one helluva tough spot. For one thing, you JUST found out so it's impossible to really know whether this guy made some stupid mistakes and will learn from them, or whether this is the guy you're about to marry.
Honestly....I would urge you to cancel the wedding. I think it's impossible to really work toward figuring this out with this date hanging over your head. Doesn't mean you can't still go on a trip with your friends/family. But I think I'd cancel the ceremony.
In the meantime, what is he saying? You mention that you had accused him before. Did he deny it? What's up with the drag queens? Are you expecting monogamy from him or is it the dishonesty? It sounds as though, at the very least, you two need to have a really candid conversation about what your expectations are of your relationship with each other -- holding nothing back. And while it's wonderful that he was a good partner to you during your depression, that's pretty much what you should be able to expect from a partner. It certainly doesn't give him a pass to cheat on you (and yes, sexting is cheating. Intimacy is not just physical. Anything that he feels compels to hide is his first clue that he shouldn't be doing it).
Can you find a therapist who might also help you through this? You need a safe place to talk about the relationship. Maybe couples counselling?
Thing is, Anonymous, life is long. You want to make sure that this guy is going to be the partner you can rely on through life, who is honest with you and with whom you feel emotionally safe. Far better to know whether he's capable of that BEFORE you say "I do."
It's too much to take, to horrid to live. The true of several affairs and years of betrayals it's mentally exhausting.
ReplyDeleteI trusted and married a man that did not care about the pain he is causing me or our kids. Almost 19 years of marriage 3 kids I gave it all to someone with corrupted values. Tired of listening to his lies daily. I did move out if the bedroom,
I am going back to school. I am reconnecting with who I am. Doing things that I feel passionate about like painting. I will become a better version of me.
Life is a gift from God. For the love of my children and the rest of my days this man will be taken away by God. I trust Jesus to Bright the darkness of betrayal and bring peace, health, wealth, and love to my house
Anonymous,
DeleteI am so sorry for the pain you've been in. I hope you know that your strength is greater than the pain, your ability to move forward is greater than your past. You will become a better version of you because you deserve so much better. And it will be wonderful.
He met a stripper 3 times, no sexual interaction, just kissed twice then had flirtatious 1 month communication with her, sending pictures about "dreaming of her"; "imagining kissing her" when I found out he said it was just a flirtation that got out of hand and he had no intention of taking it further. Is that cheating, why do I feel so hurt, more so In think than if he had had a physical 1 night stand. Just thinking back on the messages that he sent her make me feel irrelevant, its like he's betrayed something our personal private space, particularly since, looking back on when he messaged her, many times he was here at home or out to dinner/lunch with me/or family and I was suspicious but he always said he was busy with work and stressed
ReplyDeleteAnonymous,
DeleteAnything that is kept secret because it's a violation of his commitment to you (which includes honesty, sexual fidelity, emotional fidelity, intimacy) is a betrayal. He met this woman secretly. He kissed this woman. He talked to her secretly. He shared photographs with her. ALL of that is a betrayal. It is cheating. As Dr. Phil puts it, "if you wouldn't do it with your wife right beside you watching, then you shouldn't be doing it." Don't let him minimize this. It is very serious and he needs to hold himself completely accountable and examine why he was stepping outside his marriage.
is this page still active?
ReplyDeleteIt's been 4 years since I found out about my husband's affair. 4 psinfull years.
ReplyDeletesometimes I wish I didn't know. do many things happened in the aftermath that he resents me for, blames me for.
I told his parents, hoping to get some support, as I couldn't talk to my parents. his mum turned it on me, saying I was to blame, being a temperamental person and very moody....seriously. hes been into porn since before I knew him. at first he could hide it, being magazines and all, then with internet he would say, it was the last time, he had a week moment, etc etc. 23 years later I dont trust him at all!! we've been together 23 yrs married 21.
He still hasn't owned up to his parents, he avoids it, saying he didn't want them to know and it has nothing to do with them, so why talk to them about it.
but his mum still blames me for her son having an affair. I caused him to sin according to her.
I feel like shit. pardon my language.
I've tried to commit suicide, started drinking and cutting myself. I went into worst depression ever. a friend of mine confronted my husband and then he lost his shit and told me I was conniving behind his back, and that I had betrayed him.
he demanded that I never speak to my friend again. (we still have contact, but she has withdrawn a lot because she doesn't want to make things more difficult for me)
I would divorce him, I wanted to, but he made so many promises and I believed him. now 4 yrs later, it's all such a mess, and everyone who knows says I should move on.
he says I should move on and stop bringing up the past. but it's not resolved for me yet.
we have u children, youngest born after I found out about affair.
even if I wanted to I couldn't leave him, I dont want everyone knowing, and I don't want to drag his name through the mud. that's not who I am.
I cant support the kids on my own.
I stay with him because I have no other option, that's all.
I do love him but not as I used to. tryst is non existant.
Hi I found out my husband of 36 years had been having an affair for a year, I found out on the 1st Oct the other women messaged me it broke me to piece but I thought if we talk it might make it better to understand. When talking last night he said since his stroke 3 years ago his been different in his head maybe that's y he did it he said he knows this is were he wants to be but couldn't say weather he loved me or not and that broke my heart cos I have been trying to get over it and I still love him to bits. I feel so alone at the moment and not sure what I should do any advice pls.
ReplyDeleteFor get it shouldn't have done this
ReplyDeleteMy husband of 30 yrs (he's 67 yrs old) had a health problem six yrs ago that left him paralyzed from the waist down. Within a couple months he regained his ability to walk but still has issues after 6 yrs with bowel and bladder issues ( needs meds for that to work). I assumed that since we weren't having sex, that he had a problem in that area as well. Turns out there is no problem and he in fact has been having an affair and just continued to let me believe he couldn't perform sexually. I knew something wasn't right but didn't confront him until recently. He admitted to seeing someone but said just a week ago that he wasn't able to have sex. Yesterday I finally got him to admit that he had no problem getting an erection at times. He says now that he ended the affair and wants to try and make our marriage work. Isn't this the best story yet??
DeleteBooBoo, I'm so sorry. But glad you found us.
DeleteSadly, you're story sounds pretty common. Not the specifics, but the overall reason men cheat: To escape their reality. To feel powerful and attractive and distract themselves. Affairs are a fantasy. In your husband's case, perhaps the fantasy was that he was a "man", not someone who struggled with mobility and bladder issues.
In any case, whether your leave or decide to give him a chance to redeem himself, I hope you'll take care of you and ensure that you have the support you need the process the deep pain of betrayal. You're among friends here.