And I did. I gave him a taste of my medicine for years, with a ton of love. BUT. He didn't want it...so I still hope he get's a taste of his own medicine, and chokes on it. Hugs Gabby xo
Floren, it IS hard. And so you don't have to be in a rush to forgive. We often have to work through a mountain of stuff before we can even begin to forgive. We are allowed to sit with our anger or hurt and see where it takes us first. I found for myself, just opening to the possibility of forgiveness some day in the future made me feel lighter. I know some days its hard to swallow, but forgiveness is ultimately about setting ourselves free of the past.
Floren, I am not sure where you are in this process but I will say once I got to the point of being able to forgive I found it benefited me more than my husband. I know everyone was different. My initial hesitation related to worrying that if I gave forgiveness it would be forgotten. But not so at all. It was very liberating for him and it helped me move forward.
I do try, i sometimes fail but I learn from it every time. Had a few emotional moments last few days but it’s helped me to let go of my hurt. The headteacher at the school where I work left after 12 years last week, she was inspiring, an amazing woman a real diamond. I was so emotional I couldn’t stop crying which was a little embarrassing as my colleagues had never seen me cry. But I knew deep down her leaving wasn’t the only thing I was grieving, my marriage was another and the loss of my mother and father, so much hurt and loss had come to the fore front and I needed to let go of it. My colleagues were great and held me for as long as I needed.
It’s interesting as the head wrote me a little note asking me to put myself first whilst I’m busy looking after others,I found this really interesting as she knows very little about my personal life but has seen that this is who I am .,I feel truly blessed to come across such amazing women on my journey through life. All of this is/was gods plan and I have to believe in him and all that he has in store for me for the future. Thank you for listening xx
SAm A, I had an experience a few months after D-Day in which someone I didn't know especially well asked me if was "okay" because "the light has gone out in your eyes." I was stunned. This person knew NOTHING about what was going on. And yet it felt wonderful to be SEEN. It sounds as though this woman really saw you and that's such a validating experience. Take her words to heart. Remind yourself that you were seen, that your actions were noticed. And that she saw not only the goodness of what you do, but the cost to yourself of what you do.
A similar thing happened to me. Someone I barely knew at school told me they were praying for me. She pegged it, Sam. You are so giving. I’m glad you got some of that grief out, and had support.
Selkie, "where to go then?" Where you already are. In your own life. Be there 100%. Claim it. Home is with you. It doesn't need a building or a mailing address or anything else. It's like Dorothy and the red slippers. You've had what you've needed all along.
I'm with SS1. I know that I've tried, at times, to insert myself into others' lives. I wanted them to like me, to value me, like I liked and valued them. It's so easy to look back and see that those people just didn't "see" me. But it's hard when we're in the situation. "Where you already are", "home is with you" is 100% it.
Hi ladies This qoute is how I have chosen to lead my life. I grew up in a difficult home and was always seeking affirmation from others. Had a few casual relationships but with H, my first boyfriend, fiancee then husband. 20 years with him. And I realised after the 2nd affair, I lost myself. Built a home to his way and gave up my dreams because of him and my late mum. So yes, 20 years on...it is time for me. SS1: spot on that Home is with us. I now do things my way and learn to see the treasures I have within me. This self-acceptance and self-value took the 2nd affair to get me started. Woke up and prayed for all the pain of ny past to be reconciled with my present. Prayed for all of us ladies here too. I feel heard and seen with you all. Love Lynn
This hits home for me. From my earliest memories I have always been true to myself. I think looking back I protected myself from my husband and his behaviors during the affair years. On dday I made the decision in my head that I was going to be true to me and do things my way. I was not going to change for him. I had to take care of me and make myself happy. This feeling has only strengthened and my husband has to make his own choices if he wants to be with me. My expectations are higher than ever and I will not back down on them, now more than ever before.
And I did.
ReplyDeleteI gave him a taste of my medicine for years, with a ton of love. BUT. He didn't want it...so I still hope he get's a taste of his own medicine, and chokes on it.
Hugs
Gabby xo
But don't make it your job to give it to him. Don't let that desire trump your own wellbeing and living your life as the best person you can be. xoxo
DeleteHard to be so forgiving
ReplyDeleteFloren, it IS hard. And so you don't have to be in a rush to forgive. We often have to work through a mountain of stuff before we can even begin to forgive. We are allowed to sit with our anger or hurt and see where it takes us first. I found for myself, just opening to the possibility of forgiveness some day in the future made me feel lighter. I know some days its hard to swallow, but forgiveness is ultimately about setting ourselves free of the past.
DeleteFloren, I am not sure where you are in this process but I will say once I got to the point of being able to forgive I found it benefited me more than my husband. I know everyone was different. My initial hesitation related to worrying that if I gave forgiveness it would be forgotten. But not so at all. It was very liberating for him and it helped me move forward.
DeleteI do try, i sometimes fail but I learn from it every time. Had a few emotional moments last few days but it’s helped me to let go of my hurt. The headteacher at the school where I work left after 12 years last week, she was inspiring, an amazing woman a real diamond. I was so emotional I couldn’t stop crying which was a little embarrassing as my colleagues had never seen me cry. But I knew deep down her leaving wasn’t the only thing I was grieving, my marriage was another and the loss of my mother and father, so much hurt and loss had come to the fore front and I needed to let go of it. My colleagues were great and held me for as long as I needed.
ReplyDeleteIt’s interesting as the head wrote me a little note asking me to put myself first whilst I’m busy looking after others,I found this really interesting as she knows very little about my personal life but has seen that this is who I am .,I feel truly blessed to come across such amazing women on my journey through life. All of this is/was gods plan and I have to believe in him and all that he has in store for me for the future. Thank you for listening xx
SAm A,
DeleteI had an experience a few months after D-Day in which someone I didn't know especially well asked me if was "okay" because "the light has gone out in your eyes." I was stunned. This person knew NOTHING about what was going on. And yet it felt wonderful to be SEEN. It sounds as though this woman really saw you and that's such a validating experience. Take her words to heart. Remind yourself that you were seen, that your actions were noticed. And that she saw not only the goodness of what you do, but the cost to yourself of what you do.
A similar thing happened to me. Someone I barely knew at school told me they were praying for me.
DeleteShe pegged it, Sam. You are so giving. I’m glad you got some of that grief out, and had support.
"Removing yourself from lives you want to be in..." This jars with the rest a little. Where to go then?
ReplyDeleteSelkie, "where to go then?" Where you already are. In your own life. Be there 100%. Claim it. Home is with you. It doesn't need a building or a mailing address or anything else. It's like Dorothy and the red slippers. You've had what you've needed all along.
DeleteI'm with SS1. I know that I've tried, at times, to insert myself into others' lives. I wanted them to like me, to value me, like I liked and valued them. It's so easy to look back and see that those people just didn't "see" me. But it's hard when we're in the situation. "Where you already are", "home is with you" is 100% it.
DeleteThis part confused me too. Why would you remove yourself from a life you want to be in?
DeleteAha! Thank you, all. I hadn't thought of it as 'other people's lives' - more as 'possible lives for me'.
DeleteIt is so hard to see the difference between what we want and what we need - or what we think we want and who we are.
I know I want connection and love, and I know that I can't make that happen. I can give love, but I have no control over whether other people do.
By the way, thank you all for yours!
Hi ladies
ReplyDeleteThis qoute is how I have chosen to lead my life. I grew up in a difficult home and was always seeking affirmation from others. Had a few casual relationships but with H, my first boyfriend, fiancee then husband. 20 years with him. And I realised after the 2nd affair, I lost myself. Built a home to his way and gave up my dreams because of him and my late mum. So yes, 20 years on...it is time for me.
SS1: spot on that Home is with us. I now do things my way and learn to see the treasures I have within me. This self-acceptance and self-value took the 2nd affair to get me started.
Woke up and prayed for all the pain of ny past to be reconciled with my present. Prayed for all of us ladies here too. I feel heard and seen with you all.
Love Lynn
Beautifully put Elle, thank you xx
ReplyDeleteLynn
ReplyDeleteThat’s what keeps us moving forward, knowing that we are seen and heard! Hugs!
This hits home for me. From my earliest memories I have always been true to myself. I think looking back I protected myself from my husband and his behaviors during the affair years. On dday I made the decision in my head that I was going to be true to me and do things my way. I was not going to change for him. I had to take care of me and make myself happy. This feeling has only strengthened and my husband has to make his own choices if he wants to be with me. My expectations are higher than ever and I will not back down on them, now more than ever before.
ReplyDelete