Take flight, my friends. |
It’s happened. D-Day. We’ve somehow or other discovered the
excruciating truth that our spouse has been having an affair. Like many of you,
I immediately took the blame. Something must have been entirely wrong with me
or he would not have strayed. We believe all his complaints about not being
giving enough, not being sexually available, not being a better something, or
whatever blame-shifting he engaged with. We now know that’s all bull but at
the time we were desperate for any clues, any hint as to why this might happen
and what we could do to fix it. We wanted some way, no matter how painful, of
taking control of the situation. Sadly, accepting blame is a way to take
control because if it is our fault, then we can change; we can be better, do
more, be perfect and it will be fixed and we won’t hurt anymore. This often
leads us to the “Pick Me Cha-Cha” (aka the Pick Me Dance).
During the Pick Me Dance we do things that seem to make
sense at the time but in hindsight make us shake our heads, cringe, wonder
and feel some regret. How could I have been so crazy? Why did I want sex all
the time? Why did I buy that outfit? I want to flip that script and show you
how the Pick Me Dance is part of the healing process and can put you on the
road to the realization that the only person who needs to pick you is you.
As I look back at my Pick Me Dance, I don’t feel regret. Rather, I look with a great deal of compassion and see that I was
taking tentative steps toward self-care in those “him focused” actions. As I
list some of the funny and sad things I did and reframe them as learning
opportunities or ways to carve a new self out of the rubble, I hope you’ll see
yourself too. I can look back at myself
in those early difficult days with compassion, humor and amazement at how far
I’ve come.
1.
Piles of sexy new underwear and bras
Zero regrets. I had felt unsexy
forever and had not bought new underwear in what seems like a decade. If I did,
it was all about comfort. As I lost weight, I needed to buy new pairs or they
would have ended up around my ankles. And guess what, a thong makes your ass
look great in jeans. Now I have a nice mix of comfy for every day or working
out and sexy for dates or just when I need to give myself an ego boost. I’ve
claimed what started out as an attempt to be sexy enough to compete with the OW
and turned it into claiming sexy for myself. It feels pretty good.
2.
Bikinis and nicer clothes, dresses
Ditto here. My clothes had all
been about covering up, disguising my body and generally making myself
disappear. Now I bought clothes that I looked and felt good in. I even got a
couple of pairs of booty shorts for running. And bikinis were a big step. (Yes,
I have cellulite and no matter how thin I get, I have a curvy, zaftig tum). But
while the clothes started out as a response to him complaining that I made no
effort to look good, they ended as an act of defiance and treating myself as if
I matter. Now I enjoy dressing to highlight my best features. I’ve got great
arms and collar bones. Decent legs too. Sun dresses all the way! Taking pride
in your appearance is not about vanity. It is about showing that you value
yourself.
3.
Wearing makeup, dressing nicer, showering every
day
Again, his complaint was that I
had “let myself go” and I made no effort over my appearance. Thing is, he
wasn’t wrong. It was shitty of him to bring it up in the context of why HE felt
neglected in the relationship. But. I had let myself go. I felt too much shame
about my appearance, my body, my perceived failure at everything to try very
hard. I wanted to be invisible because I did not love who I was. Post D-Day, I
recognized that I needed muster up the courage to shower and brush my teeth
every day. This was the tiniest recognition that I needed to take care of
myself for the coming weeks and months. Wearing makeup, while initially an
effort to please him, also made me feel more confident when I left the house,
at a time when my confidence was completely shattered. People responded
positively to me, my smile and my energy. Over time, I claimed this as
something I do for myself. And I don’t need to wear makeup every time I leave
the house (conversation with my daughter woke me up about that). I can now
choose when it I want to, and I promise, it is no longer about him.
4.
Purchasing an online coaching program for women
to “Be Irresistible”
This one is probably the most
embarrassing but I look back at tender-hearted, sad me and recognize that I
was casting about for something, anything that might let me save my marriage or
increase the likelihood of him picking me. This was a series of videos and articles that help you become a man
magnet, to become irresistible. Some of the marketing was
questionable but as it turns out when you sift the “attracting men” part out
of it, there was some quality instruction (that I turned into a post on here
about working on you). I learned new ways to listen, reflect and engage in
conversation that showed I was interested in paying attention. I use this new
skill often with friends, with my business clients, as well as boys, and it
pays off in better connections. It also gave me my first understanding of
developing and focusing on my strengths and having a rich life, so I can
confidently stand on my own because confidence is attractive. So despite the fact that I am now on a
mailing list where they encourage me to purchase their secret string of texts
that will have him melting with desire for me, I got some really useful life
skills out of this package.
5.
Fat reduction injections, Laser hair removal,
Botox and collagen
Yes I really did all those
things. I had been told I had given up, was not fighting aging (never mind that
I didn’t see the inherent futility and problem of fighting what is inevitable
for us all. These days I’m all about healthy and graceful aging and what feels
right for me). I was already engaged with a weight-loss program pre-D-Day. (I
knew something was terribly, terribly wrong, so in some ways I jumped into the
Pick Me Dance early). The program
involved HCG (Human chorionic gonadotropin
– same as you release when you are pregnant) injections. It also involves an
extremely restricted diet. It cost a lot of money. But I was desperate after
years of failed weight loss and knew I needed to lose weight to start to feel
better about myself. Cue the ironic trumpet fanfare.
The weight loss has been good for
me. My cholesterol numbers are way down. I feel better. I did have 50 lbs to
lose. I do regret the waste of money but since we were still sharing income at
the time, I don’t lose any sleep over it. Verdict is HCG has nothing to do with
weight loss. Not eating (and PTSD) has everything to do with weight loss.
Laser hair removal. Zero Regrets.
Not one. I did a series of sessions for my bikini zone and my underarms. I frequently
had razor burn in those areas in the past. After about seven sessions, the hair
is gone (it will be different for different hair types). I only shave my
armpits once a month now and then it is very fine. Bikini zone? Gone
forever. While I was doing this, I was absolutely
thinking “dammit, I’m gonna be hot for you, jerkface, or I am going to be hot
for some future guy who actually values me.” (Note the defiance creeping in.)
Collagen I did once. Very minimal
amounts under my eyes in folds around the nose and mouth and a tiny bit in the
lips (I did not want that Hollywood, “I’ve been making out with a hot curling
iron” look.) I have to admit, I loved the results. But. The cost was prohibitive. I spent a pile
on a couple of vials (his money). And you need so little, my dermatologist has
a safe where your vials are kept and you can get more done for up to two years
or until you use it up. My results were long-lasting, however, I know I can
save up and do it again if I want to or not if I don’t.
Botox. I am a huge fan. I have
been getting injections since my early 40s. I think it makes a difference in
how your face ages. It is totally safe (been used to treat migraines for
decades before cosmetic use) and reasonably priced. My trade off is that I
don’t color my hair. Money, chemicals, stress, roots grow in in three
weeks. Getting Botox once every six months
costs significantly less than getting my hair colored every month. How does
this fit in to the Pick Me Dance? It was part of trying to be younger than I am
in response to his criticism. It shifted when I made a commitment to myself not
to give this up if things went south. The idea that I deserved to do something
nice for myself was revolutionary at the time.
6.
Sex toys & initiating sex often
Ok, sad, but I know we’ve all
done it in some form. We try to turn ourselves into a sex pot to win him back. Wore
outfits that showed copious amounts of cleavage and leg. Extremely naughty
panties (still in the package). I tried often to initiate sex and except for
the immediate week after D-Day, he always turned me down. It was tough to take.
But the vibrator turned out to be a path toward reclaiming my sexuality. I had
felt unlovable and unsexy for so long. And again, defiance rears it’s head. I
realized on some level that this was going to be a long haul and I needed to
get comfortable taking care of my own needs if he wasn’t. I am so much more
comfortable with my body, sex, what feels good for me and asking for it when I
am with a partner. Health stuff.
7.
Exercise
I was working out to be in better
shape, more attractive, compete with the other woman, be whatever enough for
him to stay. But it also kept me sane. Getting out to classes was social and
connected me with new people. Running on my own cleared my head. Solitary
weight lifting cleared the pain and grief out of my body. Social hikes
connected me with people. And now I know it is critical for my mental health.
The more I move, the happier I am. I keep moving for me now.
8.
Cooking elaborate meals, buying gifts, leaving
flowers, little notes
I had read Love Languages. I was
trying any and every thing I could to reach him. Acts of service by cooking
elegant and delicious meals; buying him nice clothes or things
he needed on business trips; and words of affirmation by leaving him little
notes in his desk, wallet or suitcase when he traveled. I left him little
flowers or sprigs of herbs from the garden. I sent him pictures of home when he
was away for work. I tried so many ways to show him what he was risking
losing. I won’t say none of it mattered.
It mattered to me that I tried. It was also the beginning of me understanding
that no matter what I did or didn’t do now or in the past, this was really
about him, his issues, his acting out his pain and his fears and damage. Over
time I shifted to doing these things for myself. Affirmations written on notes
on my mirror where I can see them, cooking foods I like (or ordering sushi!),
setting a little money aside each month to save up for something to gift myself
( a drone for photography – my big hobby, or a new grill, a nice piece of
jewelry – currently obsessed with rings).
9.
Music/art lessons
One of the things I had read
about recovering from trauma in the many helpful and sometimes ridiculous
articles and books I read about saving a marriage, was to just start doing
things differently, start deciding, start doing things, pursue a new hobby, do
something out of character and out of your comfort zone, make a different
choice and change your brain (I normally take this route home. Today I a going
to take a different route. Today I am going to stop and take pictures. Next
week I will drive into the city for a flea market). I took up painting classes.
At first it was about showing him that I was growing, investing in myself and
“interesting” i.e worth keeping. It
quickly became an important creative and emotional outlet for me. It was social
and got me out to meet new people. I also took up piano lessons. Music has
always been his thing; singing and playing guitar. I took piano lessons with
the instructor who already came to the house for my daughter. I wanted to show
an interest in his interests and maybe give us an opportunity to play together
at some distant point. Sweet but so wasted on him. I loved learning
and got some basics pretty quickly. Thought I can’t afford regular lessons, I do
barter with the instructor in exchange for working on her website. Now I
practice when I need a mental break from my desk. I know it is something I can
come back to for the rest of my life.
10. A
tattoo
This was another face of doing
something new and out of character. There was a huge element of “look how edgy
and sexy I am.” But it was also about me, my spiritual journey and reclaiming
my body from past and present trauma. I had identified birds as my messengers
in grim times. I used to meditate on the different winged visitors to see what
they had to teach me. And one day I lined up a bird in flight as my heart
breaking up out of my chest and free. For the first time ever, I thought “that
would make a cool tattoo.” I found art I admired, did an adaptation, sat with
it for a month, made an appointment, waited another month and finally when the
day for the tattoo appointment rolled around, felt excited and ready. Getting a
tattoo on the ribs is pretty painful. It’s high up, so most people never see it.
It is a little sparrow (my symbol of hope) flying up out from my ribs under my
left arm. By the time I got the tattoo,
it was 100% about me and my journey.
Most of us do some form of the Pick Me Dance. I hope you can
look back at your own actions during that painful time with love and
compassion. Mentally wrap that version of you in a warm hug. Then see if you
can reframe any of those things as I have. What did you learn? How did it
evolve for you? How are you now Picking You instead of waiting for him to do
so?
Ss1 i wish I’d have done some of the things you did, I was quite tame considering. I think having a 5 month old baby meant my choices were limited, yes I lost weight, got a personal trainer who trained me at home. I planned ‘date nights’ which we had never done before, loads of sex, still loved my big knickers couldn’t part with them lol. D day 1 was 5 years ago and it’s only the last year that I’ve really started doing for me. Taking my boys on holiday without my h was a big achievement for me and we had great times, starting university in September will be another milestone for me. I’m starting to think about me and what I want out of life. Great post ss1 got me thinking .. thank you xx
ReplyDeleteSS1, this is priceless, timely and appreciated. You are a fabulous coach and I thank you for giving me another way to reflect on and reframe the past almost three years of my life.
ReplyDeleteFantastic piece here SS1. Thanks for always being honest.
ReplyDeleteAhhh yes. The "pick me" dance. I had to experience this to realise this dance is not for me. I'm happy to dance solo now!
Time for reflection.
Why shouldn't I have been picked. I was his wife!!! yet here I was fighting for him to pick me - What was I fighting for? An immature, emotionally devoid man-boy with many narcissistic traits.
I too copped the years of criticism of my weight, what I wore, my friends, what I should say and not say.....
I've always known I wasn't 100% happy with him - but I just shut up to keep the peace. Even with his toxic parents who it was alright for them to criticise everyone else, but no one was to say anything to them! The apple did not fall far from the tree with my h and his parents.
I suppose with his affairs, I finally had an "aha - wake up or drown" moment where I didn't want to be who I had become with him for the rest of my life. He didn't want us to grow as a couple - he wanted to mould me into what he wanted, and when I didn't always conform, he did not like it. And whilst I was being myself to a certain extent, I wasn't 100% authentic with me -I'd let him dictate the music! So enough. Enough of listening to his criticisms of me - which in actual fact are criticisms of himself - as he was putting on weight and quite frankly, ageing worse than me!
Whilst I have always been happy, I feel like so much of authentic me was stifled and kept pushed down. Now that I have picked me, I feel like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders and I like who I am. I will still be that caring helpful person, but I will pick who gets my energy and time. I know how to look out for those red flags. I know it's ok, it's necessary, to pick me first.
I'm lucky I have always kept up with my friends and when time and money permitted, did things for myself, so the only real change on a personal level is not having my husband around..... and the more I picked me, the less I missed him....funny. I don't miss him anymore. LOL.
Good riddance to the rotten apples from that tree!
Hugs
Gabby xo
Yes, I guess thinking positive helps a lot.
ReplyDeleteThen, give him a hint on how much you love him everyday. He will come around sooner or later.
He picked you, remember?
Regards,
pfinterest/love
All well said and so familiar! For me I try to focus on pivoting these things done early on to self care. I find that in the end it is about me and sticks with me whether he is here or not as you make the point to mention. Love this!
ReplyDeleteFeeling tired and drained ladies. The doctor has diagnosed a tumuor in my left ear which thankfully it is benign. Scheduling a surgery soon. I have been really fighting myself: my conflicted self. Sorry ladies, I am just feeling drained for the past few weeks. Trying to put things behind after retracting the divorce for my son's sake but I still feel so unsettled and angry. The 'whys' did this happen to me twice and what sins have I done to be punished kept coming. I kept asking God. My faith waivers and I remind myself what my pastor advised: do good and be patient. But I am human.
ReplyDeleteLynn
Gabby I love how you picked you! Your right the more we pick ‘us’ the less likely we are to put up with their unreasonable behaviour. Good riddance to bad apples indeed : ) xxx
ReplyDeleteStill standing 1 right on target! I’m guilty of buying eye makeup even if I know what it causes with my eye condition! Lol the naughty underwear, special perfume yep but I stopped short of a boob job and tummy tuck! Laughing now! I wasn’t about to change me for him but I did demand that he change his behavior! Apparently he’s happier now than ever even with the addition of stress of taking care of my mother 24/7. We are just getting through one day at a time!
ReplyDeleteI love this, SS1. I did almost all of this and arrived where you are, satisfied that these things were ultimately good for me because of how I choose to see them. It's difficult for me to this day that the reasons my H gave initially for having the affairs were mostly true statements about me. I had given up and didn't see myself as sexy. I made no effort to "stay young". I was tired a lot of times and irritated with him often. The thing is, I didn't want to be any of those things. I was responding to my environment the best way I could. Trudging forward despite his lack of engagement with me. After D day, I was able to see the fruits of all my hard labor. NOTHING. All my sacrifices earned me nothing. I was at ground zero. Painful but eye opening. While I did try to cling to the shrapnel that used to be my life (pick me), I also knew I had to stop putting energy into everyone else. They were not refilling me and I was bankrupt.
ReplyDeleteYesterday was my 2 year D day anniversary. I made my yearly donation of a gift card for running shoes to my marriage counselor. She gifts it to someone recovering from infidelity. I decided to take the day off from work to "pick me" and surprised my teenage son on the way to school by taking him with me. He struggles with ADHD and gets his ass handed to him at school every day overcoming those obstacles. I've never let him take off a day before (unless sick). We saw a great art house movie, had delicious seafood (my H doesn't like), went shopping, and for a nature walk. We talked more than we ever have and really had a nice time together. At the end of the day he thanked me. Had tears in his eyes. He said it was one of the best days of his life. I agreed. It was one of mine too. My son doesn't know of the affairs or what I've been through, so to have this day mean something special and wonderful to him is profound. Relationships with teens can get so rough, so I'm happy I carved out this moment with him. April 30th is my own national holiday now. It's a day in which I decide what I want. When I do nice things for me and people around me. It's a day that can spark change, growth, and reflection. Relationships are investigated and renewed. The first April 30th wasn't a lovely day like this one was, but it was most of these other things. I have a whole year now to plan how I will spend the next April 30th. At the end of my life, I should have a large collection of good experiences!
ann, Good for you! I love what you did. The day with your son sounds amazing. And how increcible how it touched him. I too try to be that way with my kids. I am more present than ever and focus on our experiences together. Through all of this I want to value and get as much out of my time with my kids before college. My kids do not know about the affairs either but through our conversations I hope to educate them, open their eyes and have a strong relationship with them.
DeleteSS1, One of the first things I remember talking to my H about after DD was that he admitted he hated my ugly green winter coat. Funny, I hated it too but only bought it because it was $5.00! My focus was on my 3 children, him looking great in the business world & I could make do with an ugly green winter coat with a horrible fake brown fur collar. But, it was only $5.00! The next day it was donated to keep a homeless woman or man warm. I then went shopping with my girlfriend & bought a beautiful wine color leather jacket for $116.00! (remember, it was 1981 so it was quite pricey!) Coincidentally, I busted him traveling with OW in room 116 in a motel in another state. Plus he spent $116.00 in 1 month on long distance phone charges to talk to her. I would have bought that coat for $116.00 if it was a horrible green with a fake fur collar for that price just to prove a point. Letting myself go, my ass! Love y'all, Carol, the First
ReplyDeleteLynn Im sorry your feeling drained but hardly surprised. Try to concentrate on one thing at a time, and you being top of the list. Get yourself well, Back to basics sleep, rest and eat when you can and once your better you will hopefully see things much more clearer. I know when I’m tired and poorly I think of the worse and then become angry all of which is no help so just take a step back and give yourself some time to recover from your tumour, thank god it is benign. This feeling will pass lynn I promise.. sending you love And strength xx
ReplyDeleteThank you Sam A. Sending love and strength back to you too ��
DeleteLovely idea Ann, I bet you wanted to cry when your son said it was one of his best days, made me tearful. What a kind, generous woman you are. I hope your h realises just how lucky he is to have this second chance xx
ReplyDeleteOne pick me dance I did, upon reflection, was the most unhealthy and I don't see it listed here. I held back anger from my H. I didn't yell and scream and tell him I hated him for what he did. It's as if I was convinced he'd leave me if I was too "difficult". After a few weeks, I recognized that my anger needed to be expressed. Out loud. Directly and clearly. Because I can't be the only one who had homicidal and suicidal thoughts...I knew holding that in was killing me. Still, I expressed my anger with clear words, not in a rage, while driving a car (weird). I spelled out what it was like for me. What goes through my mind when i think about what he did. How he had a million choices and he chose this (and that's all on him). To that point I had been flat and emotionless with him. Reassuring even. (Shock? Trying to hold back to be more attractive? Supercompoassionate?) I remember having to take a deep breath and say all that stuff knowing he might leave. He didn't, but I had to be ready for him to (I was!) What did I learn? I have some crazy emotional control that may not serve me well. I care for others at the expense of myself. There's more than one kind of "anger issue" a person can have, and mine is tied to not seeing myself as worthy as I am internally. I think I have to "hold back" to keep people around. This is a tendency I've been working on, and will continue to, since I found out and tried to shield my perpetrator from feeling badly about that. A source of shame for me, but a starting point for growth too. Make up, weight loss, new underwear... these things benefit you. Holding back anger so you're more desirable does you no good. Recognizing it and changing does though!!
ReplyDeleteann - I love this. Sadly I can relate to this so much. I’m still working on finding my voice. It’s a work in progress.
DeleteTruthfully I’m afraid to release it all because at this point it feels like it could become an out of control inferno.
Yes Ann, and Kimberley, this is me too! And I don't know why or how I got to be that way.
DeleteThat's why I appreciated the mediator/counsellor. She provided a neutral space where my h had to listen to me and couldn't just tune out or turn it on to himself. She asked really helpful questions to start me off- instead of getting sidetracked by my h's tangents as tended to happen outside the centre.
It was the only time we were 'alone' together without our toddler daughter. Obviously I didn't want to express destructive emotions in front of her.
If you have the chance to get to a neutral zone, seize it!
LOL I did many of these things. I already wore thong underwear, but I remember I could do the hula hoop with it so had to purchase smaller.
ReplyDeleteI am in the midst of this dance right now. I know I let myself go to keep up with other things in my life, but right now...its all about me. My kids are in college so I have the time to work on myself and whatever makes me feel better about myself. Botox? Check. Appt with plastic surgeon? Check. Personal trainer 3x/week? Check. Makeup every day? Check. New clothes? Check. I figure that if I do it for myself, then it's ok if the H doesn't "pick me". Then I and perhaps some other lucky man will reap the rewards of my time and effort.
ReplyDeleteElleBelle, I feel you. I'm sorry your in this spot but glad you found us. I had the same thinking. I was doing the pick me dance and knew (to some degree) that it was a desperate attempt to be more loveable. But I also realized I hadn't done things that were all about me in eons. And if my now ex was dumb enough to let me go (he was) some other lucky human was going to enjoy the new me. And I found over the course of the dance, that it shifted from being aimed at him to "please please pick me" to just being about me picking myself. So much more important.
DeleteThe only caution I would urge is really think long and hard about any permanent unalterable change to your body. its yours. You are free to do what you want. But just be slow about making any decisions. There's plenty of time. (That's just my PSA on make sure you are coming from a place of self love vs not enoughness and that's 100% my stuff).
I'm grateful for your comment on this past post. Its the perfect timing (while my ex is being his classic self centered, life is a crisis put me in a daytime tv drama self) for a reminder to me that I need to keep choosing me. As many times as it takes.
And ElleBelle, keep choosing you. No matter what happens. If he gets his head out of his ass and wakes up to what he is losing in time to make amends or if you decide you are done and ready to move one or any one of a hundred other things; no matter what, YOU will be OK.
ElleBelle and SS1, "Keep choosing you" is about the best advice I've ever heard.
DeleteAnd SS1's point about making choices from a place of self-love and care and nurturing is key too. I LOVE makeup and clothes and making myself pretty. But I can always tell when it's coming from a place of "I need to look the part" and when it's coming from a place of pleasure in myself.