Ya, wow. This. It's the same lesson I learn when I write or do a design for work. You can have invested a lot of time in a piece and maybe you just need to cut it, or maybe it just doesn't visually work with the rest of the brand. I'm pretty good and cutting those things and moving on, because I recognize it had to work them through to get to the next design idea or concept in writing. So much harder to let go when it is decades invested in a marriage, that maybe even didn't start off badly, that had so much promise, but went off the rails, slowly, over time. In retrospect a slo-mo train wreck that could not be stopped.
Men are not men anymore. They are taught to objectify women and not protect them. My husband said he would kill anyone who hurt his daughters. What am amazing instinct. But news flash!! He has hurt them more with his affair then anyone has yet in their life. Our family is our anchor in life's storm... yeah so what happens when the family is the one hurting?? It's awful. It's chaos. It's just so unsettling it rocks you to the core.
Fed up I like your name. I use to be blindsided to his affair... well now I know his true nature... I'm not blindsided I'm fed up. I'm just sad waiting for the next wave to swollow me up so I dont have to do this anymore. I'm exhausted.
Yes, totally. My h said if I ever had a problem, he would do anything to help me. I said "what if my problem is that my husband is leaving me?" Silence
We have had many of these talks. My husband too says this about our kids. But it hits him that he would want to kill anyone if they did it to them what he has done to me. He honestly is so conflicted and feels so bad about himself. I feel like he is filled with inner conflict constantly all his own doing.
I also get often that I would die for you, take a bullet for you... And from dday forward he has always said he will always love me no matter what that it his love for me will never change or lessen.
Hi Blindsided I'm really well - thanks for asking.
I'm sorry to hear you are feeling fed up and exhausted, but that's what all this shit they inflicted upon us does to us. It really is exhausting as you await, wondering what is coming next. The mental anguish plays havoc on your mind and body - so you have to do something to take your mind off this. Do whatever you can Blindsided to get some peace into your life. Have you got someone/IC to share your burden with? Get your body moving, walking, running, dancing. After quite a few D Days and separations for us, it's finally it. Whilst the years of heartache have been unbearable at times, I am now at a place where I can not feel anything for this arse hole I was once married to. (Uggg. I can't believe I was married to that!!!. Lordy. W h a t was I thinking?) I agree with you. How can they do this to hurt their kids? They think it doesn't, but that's just them denying their actions are harmful to anyone so as to justify their shitty choices in life and not be accountable. But that's on them. Selfish, hypocritical man-boys. I will never understand how they can be in a marriage/relationship and damage what they created? Hope you are feeling better by the time you read this. Hugs Gabby xo
I am in the stay or go phase right now so at face value I read this and thought “fuck it, just move on”. But then I flip and my heart takes over from my mind.
I was thinking about this as I was nursing little man last night. I could take this as it pertains to the finality or continuance of my marriage ... or I could view this as it pertains to my views on recovery.
I have always had a hard time with assigning blame. I can step back and view my ownership but in the end someone has to be assigned a verdict. I’ve been so caught up in playing judge and jury that I am missing evidence and I know I need to let that mistake go.
Eh. I know I can’t go back. I know I wouldn’t want the marriage from a year ago. But I would give anything to have a magic pill that would erase the pain and confusion.
Hi Kimberly You have so much going on at the moment with your little baby boy. Easier said than done, but I hope you can focus as much as possible on your little boy and yourself. At some stage you will have to deal with how you want your marriage to look - if you want it to change or just go on the same, what you want and how the financial implications of "moving on" would impact you and the children. My kids are much older, but still in school, and I really could have kicked him out years ago. Sure we had some happy times over the years, but the mental anguish he put me through was not too good - but I had to weigh that up for ME and the kids as to our financial security etc. I know people may say finances are not the be all and end all, but when it can impact heavily and negatively on not only you, but the kids, sometimes some things just have to take a back seat - and yes, it's always the mum/women who sacrifice. It's taken me a while, but I am starting to get myself back on track as in - away from all the criticism he dished out, and the controlling negativity of his being. Thinking of you Gabby xo (Aunty Gabs to your little one)
Lately I’ve been trying to focus on the positive changes. He really seems to be trying. For so long I was looking for any signs of deception and believe me I can find it even if it’s not there.
I also know that we both tend to focus on how the other reacts and it is a vicious cycle of uncertainty. I’m working on focusing solely on how I’m feeling rather than letting how I feel be a reflection of how I interpret his feelings.
I am this point where I think about cutting my loses more than ever. I am so conflicted. I know 100% at this point who I am. Over time I see who my husband is. And he is not who I married. I am not sure if he was ever honest with himself. And at this point I do not worry about him cheating. This is all about who he is as a person. He was/is a charade. Now at this point he has been more transparent. He always was outgoing and confident. And as we work through all of this I see how he has zero self confidence and doubts himself constantly. I can totally see how he decided to cheat even though he was at his height of success. And it is hard. We have built so much, have so much in common, have a really great relationship. I never thought I would feel this way if he was being faithful. I am overwhelmed about what my next step should be.
Hopeful 30, I relate to your post and sometimes feel overwhelmed myself. I've called my husband a chameleon more than a few times over the past almost 3 years. I see him working very hard to become the man he wants to be and I also don't think he will cheat on me again but the damage is already done and we are working to patch all the holes in the walls of our marriage that he made. I'm so much older than you and now that I live in a retirement community I overhear a lot of conversations women have at the pool regarding their lives as widows. It is always eye opening to hear someone say something like, "I don't really believe in love anymore but it would be nice to share my life with a man who would hold my hand and share things with me. I don't have to be in love to appreciate companionship." I'm paraphrasing here of course but this is where I am emotionally. Knowing what I know about my husbands childhood and the experiences he had and then reading about trauma and how that expresses itself in a person's life I can almost understand why he did the things he did from day 1. The sad truth is that I was naive and even if he told me the truth about his childhood way back then I doubt I'd have ever thought he would do the things that he did. Like the women at the pool, I look at my life and my husband and often think, "well we are compatible, we enjoy a lot of the same things, we share children/grandchildren and we are doing our best to live an active and productive life for the final stage" so why rock the boat? I know from talking to some of my older women friends that they do not expect the rush of bells and whistles of their youth when it comes to meeting a man with whom they are compatible but until all this happened, I still felt those warm, gushy loving feelings for my husband even though I also felt my life was joyless at times. Anyone can cheat and do the things my husband did and lie about it to my face. If I were in my 50's and my kids were adults or in college, I'd most likely have decided to just cut my losses with him and live alone. I'd probably take that trip to Costa Rica for birding and I'd go to Iceland to see the northern lights. I'd live frugally and smother my grand kids with love and Peppa Pig pajamas if that is what their little hearts wanted. In the grand scheme, I'm at a rocky peace with staying the course but I have doubts my friend, so many doubts about life, love and the pursuit of happiness as I move closer to 70. The ongoing apologies are nice but nobody "made" him to the things he did. Why do I have PTSD and he gets a second chance to be the person he led me to believe he was 40 years ago? It can and is emotionally exhausting at times to live with this man with whom I've shared so much yet so little.
Beach Girl, Your words are so powerful and mean so much to me. I can see your perspective and being over two decades behind you I am torn. What makes it most hard is how well we do get along, how much he has changed, how hard he has tried, how much fun we have together etc... I could go on and on. It is soul crushing. I honestly feel like we were meant to be together. And more than ever I see that it never wavered in him and it really was 100% all about him and his issues. I just got swept up in his mess as an innocent bystander.
In a way I wonder if it is hard for me to see how flawed he was. Sure I knew on dday he was flawed but I saw those as actions. And I should have known whoever did what he did is deeply flawed. And now I do not think it had anything to do with sex at all. He recently told me how he doubts himself all the time and thinks so little of himself and always has. I struggle with this. He has never once acted this way. So I look at him and think is he fake all the time. Does he know who he is even. This is all so strange to me and I think even harder to understand than having an affair. I have been so grounded in who I am since my earliest memories and have changed little. And maybe he has not changed either yet just fakes it all. And that scares me the most. I am not worried about cheating at all these days. I think it is that looking at him I feel more unstable than ever. I am not sure he has enough to give when he cannot be a confident person. I know we all have our issues but I think this is more major. I think being him requires more energy than I was ever aware, then his work in the mental health field is draining in many ways, kids, friends, family.... And deep down I worry he will cut corners. In his mind he will never and has zero interest in other women and as long as he is not going there he is fine. I do trust that but he is spending more time with friends which means more time drinking. For him that leads to more down days. He is still light years away from where he was pre dday but maybe that is what I worry about slipping away. And if he wants to spend his time with his friends no matter how great of guys they are their focus is drinking. Sorry for going on so long, just thinking out loud here.
Hopeful, I understand in some ways how you’re feeling. My husband seems more like the person I married now as he’s worked really hard to deal with his stuff. He brought a lot of stuff into our marriage from his childhood but I wasn’t aware of the extent of it till after discovering the affair and going into joint therapy. So I wonder if he really was who he portrayed himself to be when we met. Or is that just who he wanted to be but couldn’t? Is the person he was during the not so great years and during the affair what was just lurking under the good guy exterior? Or was he really a good guy who just lost his way? We have the childhood stuff to deal with, as welll as the porn addiction so that adds another dimension to it. I’m reading more about sex addiction and the correlation to childhood trauma, but sometimes I find myself completely disregarding that and thinking he did what he did because he wanted to. It’s really hard. We have a better relationship now. He’s very happy now. I’m happy If I’m not thinking about the affair. We enjoy each other’s company and I do still love him. But the work to heal from this is draining and some days I wonder if the things he’s doing will always be enough. My hope for all of us is peace and happiness whichever way our marriages go.
I keep remembering parts of our conversation from the other day. My husband has always said I am too good for him. I honestly think it has been a coping mechanism to not expect a lot from himself and then when he cheated he blamed himself less at the time and went lower level for the ow. One other thing that is interesting is the person that introduced him to both ow always talked about how I was a snob and acted too good. I have never had anyone else say this about me. Stepping back from it all now I can see it came from their insecurities. I grew up where you treated everyone the way you wanted to be treated no matter how much or little they had. Okay back to the story...the other night he said to me as I was laying things on the line basically saying not being with other women as the standard for being a good husband was not enough. I do have very high expectations for our relationship now more than ever. I said to him if he wants to go out with his friends the way he does then we might not be right for each other. I gave him a long list of reasons. It is all so hard as I mention above since when we are together we have an amazing time, could not be happier, make each other laugh, everything between us is great. But when we are not together it is less than great. And it is not just me. He comes home feeling guilty he should have been home sooner even if he does not drink. Honestly I am getting tired of this. It feels like I am dealing with a teenager. I have never been this way even when I was a teenager so my tolerance level is declining rapidly. He will go on and on how he would take a bullet for me, wants to be with me all the time, I never leave his thoughts etc... then he says to me that I do need to decide if being in our marriage is healthy for me. That got me thinking along with this post. I see all the good but at the end of the day is this relationship the root of my anxiety, loneliness, sadness, upset etc...I started thinking I cannot do any more work, give any more ultimatums, establish anymore boundaries. At a certain point if he is not who I need him to be should I cut my losses. Ugh. As I sit here today there is all the good we have but mainly my kids are the motivation to stay. I am not to the point where I can even conceive of not being with them every day. So maybe it is not that bad yet but when will it get to that point? Will I realize it? I too am so tired of this. It is wearing me down. Then in the back of my mind I think can I not be happy. I truly believe he will never cheat again and he has changed so much. Lots to think about...
Hopeful, I hear you. It’s difficult, and there should be a crystal ball or a grown-up Magic 8 ball to answer these unanswerable questions for us!! I’m really hoping that the BWC retreat really happens this fall. How supportive and energizing it will be to be there for one another and put faces to names!!
Beach Girl - I pray you get to do all of those things! Your WH owes you to be able to fulfill your dreams as I’m quite certain you sacrificed much so he could fulfill his sordid dreams!
I understand the ladies at the pool. We live in a world that promised that love is this over the top, Hallmark movie type of thing. But at the end of the day a person who values you is just as important as unconditional love. I think a lot can be learned from those ladies.
Hopeful I’m curious are you afraid to put things down and accept happiness out of fear or is your gut telling you to be leary?
I’m terrified to accept what I think appears to be progress because I thought I was seeing it before and yet there was that nagging gut feeling that told me it was BS. Now I’m terrified that what I’m seeing now is not real. And if I’m happy ... what must go wrong.
Kimberly, I think there is some underlying fear involved with this process. For me what is hardest is I can see major progress and we are in a great place. However as we move along I see who he is. Many have mentioned that feeling here. And I guess he is who he is and part of that allowed him to do what he did. My husband was not madly in love or he was not clueless what this would do. He said he was talking to himself right before he cheated in his head saying don't do it. But I hear how he talks and how he grew up. It is that cavalier attitude of I don't care I will do what I want. Ask for forgiveness after etc. It is coming out more and more as my kids hit and are teens. I see them pushing boundaries and it is as if I am dealing with him. I also found it interesting this weekend it hit me when one of our kids was saying something and I took it seriously. Well he identified it as lying immediately and said that is exactly what he would have said at the same age.
In the end it does not matter what hit is that is going on with him or us. I am far from perfect but he has the issues that affect everyone around him in some way. I can do not more to help him. It is a matter of how much he wants to change.
Ya, wow. This. It's the same lesson I learn when I write or do a design for work. You can have invested a lot of time in a piece and maybe you just need to cut it, or maybe it just doesn't visually work with the rest of the brand. I'm pretty good and cutting those things and moving on, because I recognize it had to work them through to get to the next design idea or concept in writing. So much harder to let go when it is decades invested in a marriage, that maybe even didn't start off badly, that had so much promise, but went off the rails, slowly, over time. In retrospect a slo-mo train wreck that could not be stopped.
ReplyDeleteOh crap. Really? I think I am terrible at this but it is advice I really need. Crap.
ReplyDeleteI know. I'm the QUEEN of not giving up, long after it's clear to everyone else that I should just give up. :)
DeleteIt's worth considering even after decades. When we treat our H as family but they don't. Family love..Not hurt.
ReplyDeleteFedUp
Exactly!!
DeleteGabby xo
Men are not men anymore. They are taught to objectify women and not protect them. My husband said he would kill anyone who hurt his daughters. What am amazing instinct. But news flash!! He has hurt them more with his affair then anyone has yet in their life. Our family is our anchor in life's storm... yeah so what happens when the family is the one hurting?? It's awful. It's chaos. It's just so unsettling it rocks you to the core.
DeleteFed up I like your name. I use to be blindsided to his affair... well now I know his true nature... I'm not blindsided I'm fed up. I'm just sad waiting for the next wave to swollow me up so I dont have to do this anymore. I'm exhausted.
Gabby how r u?
Blindsided
Yes, totally. My h said if I ever had a problem, he would do anything to help me. I said "what if my problem is that my husband is leaving me?" Silence
DeleteWe have had many of these talks. My husband too says this about our kids. But it hits him that he would want to kill anyone if they did it to them what he has done to me. He honestly is so conflicted and feels so bad about himself. I feel like he is filled with inner conflict constantly all his own doing.
DeleteI also get often that I would die for you, take a bullet for you... And from dday forward he has always said he will always love me no matter what that it his love for me will never change or lessen.
Honestly I find it exhausting too.
Hi Blindsided
ReplyDeleteI'm really well - thanks for asking.
I'm sorry to hear you are feeling fed up and exhausted, but that's what all this shit they inflicted upon us does to us.
It really is exhausting as you await, wondering what is coming next. The mental anguish plays havoc on your mind and body - so you have to do something to take your mind off this. Do whatever you can Blindsided to get some peace into your life. Have you got someone/IC to share your burden with? Get your body moving, walking, running, dancing.
After quite a few D Days and separations for us, it's finally it. Whilst the years of heartache have been unbearable at times, I am now at a place where I can not feel anything for this arse hole I was once married to. (Uggg. I can't believe I was married to that!!!. Lordy. W h a t was I thinking?)
I agree with you. How can they do this to hurt their kids? They think it doesn't, but that's just them denying their actions are harmful to anyone so as to justify their shitty choices in life and not be accountable. But that's on them. Selfish, hypocritical man-boys.
I will never understand how they can be in a marriage/relationship and damage what they created?
Hope you are feeling better by the time you read this.
Hugs
Gabby xo
I am in the stay or go phase right now so at face value I read this and thought “fuck it, just move on”. But then I flip and my heart takes over from my mind.
ReplyDeleteI was thinking about this as I was nursing little man last night. I could take this as it pertains to the finality or continuance of my marriage ... or I could view this as it pertains to my views on recovery.
I have always had a hard time with assigning blame. I can step back and view my ownership but in the end someone has to be assigned a verdict. I’ve been so caught up in playing judge and jury that I am missing evidence and I know I need to let that mistake go.
Eh. I know I can’t go back. I know I wouldn’t want the marriage from a year ago. But I would give anything to have a magic pill that would erase the pain and confusion.
Hi Kimberly
DeleteYou have so much going on at the moment with your little baby boy.
Easier said than done, but I hope you can focus as much as possible on your little boy and yourself. At some stage you will have to deal with how you want your marriage to look - if you want it to change or just go on the same, what you want and how the financial implications of "moving on" would impact you and the children.
My kids are much older, but still in school, and I really could have kicked him out years ago. Sure we had some happy times over the years, but the mental anguish he put me through was not too good - but I had to weigh that up for ME and the kids as to our financial security etc. I know people may say finances are not the be all and end all, but when it can impact heavily and negatively on not only you, but the kids, sometimes some things just have to take a back seat - and yes, it's always the mum/women who sacrifice. It's taken me a while, but I am starting to get myself back on track as in - away from all the criticism he dished out, and the controlling negativity of his being.
Thinking of you
Gabby xo (Aunty Gabs to your little one)
Gabby thank you! I really do appreciate you!
DeleteLately I’ve been trying to focus on the positive changes. He really seems to be trying. For so long I was looking for any signs of deception and believe me I can find it even if it’s not there.
I also know that we both tend to focus on how the other reacts and it is a vicious cycle of uncertainty. I’m working on focusing solely on how I’m feeling rather than letting how I feel be a reflection of how I interpret his feelings.
I am this point where I think about cutting my loses more than ever. I am so conflicted. I know 100% at this point who I am. Over time I see who my husband is. And he is not who I married. I am not sure if he was ever honest with himself. And at this point I do not worry about him cheating. This is all about who he is as a person. He was/is a charade. Now at this point he has been more transparent. He always was outgoing and confident. And as we work through all of this I see how he has zero self confidence and doubts himself constantly. I can totally see how he decided to cheat even though he was at his height of success. And it is hard. We have built so much, have so much in common, have a really great relationship. I never thought I would feel this way if he was being faithful. I am overwhelmed about what my next step should be.
ReplyDeleteHopeful 30, I relate to your post and sometimes feel overwhelmed myself. I've called my husband a chameleon more than a few times over the past almost 3 years. I see him working very hard to become the man he wants to be and I also don't think he will cheat on me again but the damage is already done and we are working to patch all the holes in the walls of our marriage that he made. I'm so much older than you and now that I live in a retirement community I overhear a lot of conversations women have at the pool regarding their lives as widows. It is always eye opening to hear someone say something like, "I don't really believe in love anymore but it would be nice to share my life with a man who would hold my hand and share things with me. I don't have to be in love to appreciate companionship." I'm paraphrasing here of course but this is where I am emotionally. Knowing what I know about my husbands childhood and the experiences he had and then reading about trauma and how that expresses itself in a person's life I can almost understand why he did the things he did from day 1. The sad truth is that I was naive and even if he told me the truth about his childhood way back then I doubt I'd have ever thought he would do the things that he did. Like the women at the pool, I look at my life and my husband and often think, "well we are compatible, we enjoy a lot of the same things, we share children/grandchildren and we are doing our best to live an active and productive life for the final stage" so why rock the boat? I know from talking to some of my older women friends that they do not expect the rush of bells and whistles of their youth when it comes to meeting a man with whom they are compatible but until all this happened, I still felt those warm, gushy loving feelings for my husband even though I also felt my life was joyless at times. Anyone can cheat and do the things my husband did and lie about it to my face. If I were in my 50's and my kids were adults or in college, I'd most likely have decided to just cut my losses with him and live alone. I'd probably take that trip to Costa Rica for birding and I'd go to Iceland to see the northern lights. I'd live frugally and smother my grand kids with love and Peppa Pig pajamas if that is what their little hearts wanted. In the grand scheme, I'm at a rocky peace with staying the course but I have doubts my friend, so many doubts about life, love and the pursuit of happiness as I move closer to 70. The ongoing apologies are nice but nobody "made" him to the things he did. Why do I have PTSD and he gets a second chance to be the person he led me to believe he was 40 years ago? It can and is emotionally exhausting at times to live with this man with whom I've shared so much yet so little.
DeleteBeach Girl, Your words are so powerful and mean so much to me. I can see your perspective and being over two decades behind you I am torn. What makes it most hard is how well we do get along, how much he has changed, how hard he has tried, how much fun we have together etc... I could go on and on. It is soul crushing. I honestly feel like we were meant to be together. And more than ever I see that it never wavered in him and it really was 100% all about him and his issues. I just got swept up in his mess as an innocent bystander.
DeleteIn a way I wonder if it is hard for me to see how flawed he was. Sure I knew on dday he was flawed but I saw those as actions. And I should have known whoever did what he did is deeply flawed. And now I do not think it had anything to do with sex at all. He recently told me how he doubts himself all the time and thinks so little of himself and always has. I struggle with this. He has never once acted this way. So I look at him and think is he fake all the time. Does he know who he is even. This is all so strange to me and I think even harder to understand than having an affair. I have been so grounded in who I am since my earliest memories and have changed little. And maybe he has not changed either yet just fakes it all. And that scares me the most. I am not worried about cheating at all these days. I think it is that looking at him I feel more unstable than ever. I am not sure he has enough to give when he cannot be a confident person. I know we all have our issues but I think this is more major. I think being him requires more energy than I was ever aware, then his work in the mental health field is draining in many ways, kids, friends, family.... And deep down I worry he will cut corners. In his mind he will never and has zero interest in other women and as long as he is not going there he is fine. I do trust that but he is spending more time with friends which means more time drinking. For him that leads to more down days. He is still light years away from where he was pre dday but maybe that is what I worry about slipping away. And if he wants to spend his time with his friends no matter how great of guys they are their focus is drinking. Sorry for going on so long, just thinking out loud here.
Thanks again for your reply!
Hopeful,
DeleteI understand in some ways how you’re feeling. My husband seems more like the person I married now as he’s worked really hard to deal with his stuff. He brought a lot of stuff into our marriage from his childhood but I wasn’t aware of the extent of it till after discovering the affair and going into joint therapy. So I wonder if he really was who he portrayed himself to be when we met. Or is that just who he wanted to be but couldn’t? Is the person he was during the not so great years and during the affair what was just lurking under the good guy exterior? Or was he really a good guy who just lost his way? We have the childhood stuff to deal with, as welll as the porn addiction so that adds another dimension to it. I’m reading more about sex addiction and the correlation to childhood trauma, but sometimes I find myself completely disregarding that and thinking he did what he did because he wanted to. It’s really hard.
We have a better relationship now. He’s very happy now. I’m happy If I’m not thinking about the affair. We enjoy each other’s company and I do still love him. But the work to heal from this is draining and some days I wonder if the things he’s doing will always be enough.
My hope for all of us is peace and happiness whichever way our marriages go.
I keep remembering parts of our conversation from the other day. My husband has always said I am too good for him. I honestly think it has been a coping mechanism to not expect a lot from himself and then when he cheated he blamed himself less at the time and went lower level for the ow. One other thing that is interesting is the person that introduced him to both ow always talked about how I was a snob and acted too good. I have never had anyone else say this about me. Stepping back from it all now I can see it came from their insecurities. I grew up where you treated everyone the way you wanted to be treated no matter how much or little they had. Okay back to the story...the other night he said to me as I was laying things on the line basically saying not being with other women as the standard for being a good husband was not enough. I do have very high expectations for our relationship now more than ever. I said to him if he wants to go out with his friends the way he does then we might not be right for each other. I gave him a long list of reasons. It is all so hard as I mention above since when we are together we have an amazing time, could not be happier, make each other laugh, everything between us is great. But when we are not together it is less than great. And it is not just me. He comes home feeling guilty he should have been home sooner even if he does not drink. Honestly I am getting tired of this. It feels like I am dealing with a teenager. I have never been this way even when I was a teenager so my tolerance level is declining rapidly. He will go on and on how he would take a bullet for me, wants to be with me all the time, I never leave his thoughts etc... then he says to me that I do need to decide if being in our marriage is healthy for me. That got me thinking along with this post. I see all the good but at the end of the day is this relationship the root of my anxiety, loneliness, sadness, upset etc...I started thinking I cannot do any more work, give any more ultimatums, establish anymore boundaries. At a certain point if he is not who I need him to be should I cut my losses. Ugh. As I sit here today there is all the good we have but mainly my kids are the motivation to stay. I am not to the point where I can even conceive of not being with them every day. So maybe it is not that bad yet but when will it get to that point? Will I realize it? I too am so tired of this. It is wearing me down. Then in the back of my mind I think can I not be happy. I truly believe he will never cheat again and he has changed so much. Lots to think about...
DeleteHopeful, I hear you. It’s difficult, and there should be a crystal ball or a grown-up Magic 8 ball to answer these unanswerable questions for us!! I’m really hoping that the BWC retreat really happens this fall. How supportive and energizing it will be to be there for one another and put faces to names!!
DeleteBeach Girl - I pray you get to do all of those things! Your WH owes you to be able to fulfill your dreams as I’m quite certain you sacrificed much so he could fulfill his sordid dreams!
ReplyDeleteI understand the ladies at the pool. We live in a world that promised that love is this over the top, Hallmark movie type of thing. But at the end of the day a person who values you is just as important as unconditional love. I think a lot can be learned from those ladies.
Hopeful I’m curious are you afraid to put things down and accept happiness out of fear or is your gut telling you to be leary?
ReplyDeleteI’m terrified to accept what I think appears to be progress because I thought I was seeing it before and yet there was that nagging gut feeling that told me it was BS. Now I’m terrified that what I’m seeing now is not real. And if I’m happy ... what must go wrong.
This limbo state is such a mind fuck!!
Kimberly, I think there is some underlying fear involved with this process. For me what is hardest is I can see major progress and we are in a great place. However as we move along I see who he is. Many have mentioned that feeling here. And I guess he is who he is and part of that allowed him to do what he did. My husband was not madly in love or he was not clueless what this would do. He said he was talking to himself right before he cheated in his head saying don't do it. But I hear how he talks and how he grew up. It is that cavalier attitude of I don't care I will do what I want. Ask for forgiveness after etc. It is coming out more and more as my kids hit and are teens. I see them pushing boundaries and it is as if I am dealing with him. I also found it interesting this weekend it hit me when one of our kids was saying something and I took it seriously. Well he identified it as lying immediately and said that is exactly what he would have said at the same age.
ReplyDeleteIn the end it does not matter what hit is that is going on with him or us. I am far from perfect but he has the issues that affect everyone around him in some way. I can do not more to help him. It is a matter of how much he wants to change.