Why Cheaters Cheat

by StillStanding1

I was thinking again about why. Why cheaters cheat. Why they plow forward with the awful choices that end up inflicting so much harm on people they profess to care about. You’ve read my theory about there being childhood trauma and/or family dysfunction, because hurt people, hurt people. It’s a neat and tidy theory, that for my own experience, pretty much explains everything. It’s comforting because theories that explain everything and pack experiences or problems into neat little boxes feel like answers. And if there is one thing we want after D-Day, it's answers.

But I kept thinking, because affairs happen in good marriages, as well as dysfunctional ones. People cheat even when there is no obvious or identifiable trauma. My “answer” became less neat and tidy. While my theory addresses a sizable portion of the why, it doesn’t address it all. There is probably no single unified theory of the why. Curious, I went back and started re-reading Peggy Vaughn’s The Monogamy Myth. She goes into some other factors that I think are worth revisiting, because it may help give some additional insight.

Environment. I’m thinking particularly of work environments in this case. I know it was a factor for both my ex and myself. His old company, the one where the cheating happened, was a hard-partying, self-gratifying, entitled and “look at our glamourous NY lifestyle” crowd. There was a ton of fooling around among coworkers regardless of marital status. When it is happening all around you and everyone is indulging in “what makes them happy” and you are not mindful about your own soft spots, you may end up making choices you later regret.

Power and wealth. My ex experienced some wild success at that terrible company and I am 100% sure that the power and prestige went to his head. I am 100% sure that he seemed infinitely more attractive in his power suit, his crazy ability to sell and his prominent position with that company and that the person he ultimately chose to have sex with was probably not the only person to make an attempt at mate poaching. (I also am 100% sure if they’d had to put up with his farting while watching the TV in his grotty sweatpants on a Saturday night, he would have seemed significantly less appealing). And power is not always about big NY money and an Executive VP title. It could be a smaller, out of the way place where someone experiences relatively big success or has a large sphere of public presence and influence. Being a recognizable figure in a small town can have just the same effect on someone who is looking to have their ego stroked.

Peers.The people you choose to spend time with, especially if you are still a person who cares a lot about what other people think of you, can influence your choices. If the people our spouses choose to spend time with encourage drinking and flirting and maintain a “what happens with the guys, stays with the guys” kind of attitude, they may find themselves having their values (if they think about them) compromised over time. This erosion eventually leaks into their own behavior and choices. And peers can often encourage this bad behavior because subconsciously it endorses their own. If you hang out with assholes, you turn into an asshole.

Society. Our western society encourages lies and sneaking when it comes to sex. We’re not supposed to have it or enjoy it as a teen but we know that statistically most do. They just sneak and hide it. That behavior sticks into adulthood. There is a lot of shame around sex and who’s having it. When a person is hiding an affair from a spouse, they are continuing behavior learned as a teen. Society also encourages problematic views of gender, roles and sexuality, all of which play into problematic behaviors when it comes to dealing with and making healthy choices about sex.

Family of origin. I must go back to family of origin. Even in otherwise functional families, if a child was not ever challenged to think about the impact of their choices on others; if a child was perhaps doted on and indulged rather than having to face the reality that you don’t always get what you want, the individual may grow up to be entitled and focused on his own entertainment and stimulation, rather than a true sense of happiness and fulfillment. Maybe there was a lot of love but also some terrible examples when it came to boundaries. Bad boundaries can lead to some unhealthy choices.

And finally – Opportunity. Some people, when faced with the opportunity to cheat, do so without really thinking too much about it. It’s there. They are used to thinking in an entitled way about sex or “happiness” or they like how the attention makes them feel and down the slope they go. Because of the fairy-tale ideals we are told about marriage, many have never thought through how they would handle such a situation and so they act on impulse. They were not aware they even had to be mindful of keeping certain kinds of people at an appropriate distance.

Ultimately, (and in a much more inclusive theory) cheating comes down to environment and opportunity. There is a remarkable number of influences in the environment that set the stage for infidelity. There is a tragically large amount of opportunity in the form of people mindlessly responding to impulse and those influences. And finally, there is a society that endorses it, by glamorizing affairs and being titillated by it. At the same time the public decries it and silences those most impacted.

What makes the difference for us, here, is that we now know, fully, how painful this is. We understand the impact of all those environmental influences, factors and choices. Hopefully, if your relationship is on the mend, your partner is becoming increasingly mindful of the factors that influenced their choices and you are both working on negotiating what your relationship looks like moving forward. And if your relationship has or is coming to an end, you are armed with this newfound knowledge. I am no longer making assumptions about monogamy. It will be negotiated and revisited; what is ok and not ok with me made clear. I encourage you to do the same.