Yep, you gotta keep on keeping on. It’s real hard, but with a job and kids that is all you can do. One foot in front of the other after you scrape yourself out of bed. Chin up and count your blessings and have gratitude to keep you going. Hugs to all that are struggling with this today. It gets better and you get better. I’m about hours away from my anniversary of Dday. 3 years out as a survivor. Kicking ass and taking names :)
Todays's message is very relevant as I struggle to decide on another chance after more lies and inappropriate friendships 4 years after the original deception and then subsequent D-day 2. There have been so many stresses and uncertainties I've had to live "in spite of" so difficult. I'd like to ask advice from anyone in counselling. Our MC just doesn't seem to get the infidelity bit. I've been asking for help in mourning the old marriage and some kind of support in this limbo period while my husband does the (helpful) IC to see if he can stop lying and acting out. I explained that us working on our couple issues without exploring my predicament first was insinuating that I was signed up to continuing when really I'm not there yet. In yesterday's session she did not address any concerns or my plea for clarity as to where we were going with the counselling, structure etc and gave us another couples communication exercise. She also made an offhand (and incorrect) remark about it didn't seem to her that I'd had trauma in my background of origin. To summarize, she was helpful at the start but I really think (and my husband agrees) that she is missing the mark. Even his counseller seemed surprised that ours had not raised certain issues. I think she is not good in the infidelity arena. I really think I should change counsellors. Has anyone else done this? I just feel upset and unheard by her.
FOH, I never changed counselors but I think it is important for you to do so or at least try someone else based on what you are saying. I can speak from experience of my husband being in the mental health field. He totally supports the patients and never takes it personally. He wants all of his patients to get what they need and with cognitive behavioral therapy at least there should be progress. Of course progress can be measured in many ways but typically there are some agreed upon goals and/or areas to work on. My husband did not go to therapy and that is for another time and place to discuss. He advised I should seek out therapy for me and also since I chose to tell no one. His suggestion was to find someone who is licensed, specializes in infidelity and also who supports what my goals are. He has practiced with many people who have a predetermined idea of what they think a woman or man should do in this situation no matter what. i know that is not supposed to happen but it does. And I am sure for many their personal experiences shape their treatment of others. I know my husband has said he had a much improved ability for working with those dealing with infidelity, thoughts of infidelity or other issues related to relationship/marriage problems since dday.
One other aspect is any professional with a general degree just has basic classes that cover these topics even marriage much less betrayal. They do not spend a lot of time. My husband said probably if you have a degree in marriage and family then it would dive in deeper. But in reality most people get general background since most people do not know what path they will take career wise. And even with an internship many times it is what they "get" or what is geographically close. Or even as with many professions their careers evolve. So she might not have that much education or background with what you need. I know shortly after dday I had read more and knew more about infidelity than my husband did with a ton more education, professional training and work experience. He had general knowledge and at least knew it was all his fault.
I looked online and search major cities within 1 1/2 hours. I did not want to go to anyone locally since my husband's profession and also he is one of the top go to people where we live. So I expanded my geographical area. I found someone right away who was licensed and had a long career as a marriage/relationship/infidelity therapist. My therapist was great. It reminded me of my pediatrician who has kids a similar age and is so easy to relate to during appointments. My therapist was highly relatable and what I liked is he helped me work through issues but also pushed me forward when needed. And if you try someone new and do not like them then no need to go back. Both my husband and I knew when we saw my therapist website it made sense. It screamed what I needed based on the information related to betrayal and the non judgmental approach put forward.
FoH, you absolutely need to feel seen and heard by the MC. You and your husband agree that she is missing the mark. You need to find someone who can serve you both and has experience addressing infidelity. During my d day time, I had already been seeing a therapist for IC. She was OK but not really digging deep into my issues with me. And I realized after dday she just didn't have the training to help me. It was really hard for me at the time, but I ended my therapeutic relationship with her. I had all kinds of cringe worthy co-dependent feelings about it, but ultimately I knew I needed help that she couldn't give me, so I stopped seeing her. I looked for and found someone who had experience with trauma recovery, was also a couples counselor and who has some training and a couple of decades of experience with infidelity. Took a while to find her. (This is my IC btw). You are allowed to stop seeing this MC who does not get it done for you. Not everyone with a shingle out is great at all forms of counseling. I'd argue that many think they can handle all forms of therapy but most are not trained or equipped for infidelity. This is a service you are paying for. Would you keep hiring a plumber who sort of fixed the leak but now the faucet is crooked and then the damn leak starts again? If you google "psychology today therapist" it will take you to their therapist directory. You can search by region and specifically for those offering help for infidelity. You can call them and ask for an initial call or consult to determine if they are right for you. You can ask them questions about how they handle the things that have not been working with your current therapist. The fact that she is not addressing your trauma and your ambivalence (which is so common in the betrayed spouse post d day) and gives you another canned exercise tells me she has no idea what to do with a case like this. Give yourself permission to find another therapist. And stop seeing her if you feel like it is making things worse. While you look for a new, more qualified person, consider taking a page from Hopeful30 and schedule weekly talks. keep a journal and try to have just one topic that you'll cover (we tend to want to talk through everything, men tend to get overwhelmed and feel responsible for it all (right or wrong) so better to focus on one thing at a time.) Set a time limit. Agree in advance that either of you can call a time out if it gets to be too emotional, charged whatever. FoH you already know this therapist is not right for you. Move on.
OMG Fragments of Hope I feel it is so important to have a great relationship with your MC. The first one we used we lasted about 2 weeks with her and moved on. The 2nd one we found was so helpful to both of us she just got it. I can say she helped save our marriage. I never walked away from a session frustrated or angry I walked away feeling positive with hope. wish you all the best but I feel you need to start shopping for a new MC.
FOH, I think this is one of those instances where you need to trust yourself. You have given this person the chance to respond to your stated needs. She isn't. Everything you've written amounts to: "This person isn't helping. She is misstating my background. She doesn't listen. Should I keep seeing her?" Of course you should move on. And I know it isn't as simple as I'm making it sound. I know it can feel exhausting to start over with someone else and doing the whole "getting to know you" stuff. But this woman isn't helpful. It's not you. It's her.
Foh, I understand what you mean, I always thought couple counselling following betrayal would be about the affair but I think what the Counsellor tries to do is get to the root of why they acted out in the first place. It feels kind of hopeless doesn’t it but I reckon they are looking at the bigger picture, because there is generally a bigger picture with our h, my h sounds very similar to yours and his affair had more to do with his upbringing and lifestyle choices than anything to do with me. I hope that makes sense and if you have any concerns just run them by your Counsellor. You may just have a crappy Counsellor but I’d just ask where she is going with her sessions.
Fragments of hope, I am so sorry to hear that you are not getting the help that you and your H need. It's not ideal but I think it would be better to change MC. She is missing the mark on too many things. The trauma is real and need to be addressed. That's just my opinion though
FOH, since you asked, I think you might want to research like Hopeful 30 suggested. Find someone who understands the trauma of infidelity betrayal. My new therapist is great. I've met with her twice for two hours each time and have more to think about than ever. She feels strongly that when infidelity happens MC is a must regardless of each person's background. Even though I have a strong clinical background in the mental health profession it still takes her time to get me out of my head and into my feelings. She challenges me in necessary ways. My husband and I only went to MC a few times and now I know that we have to do it again and for a much longer time. Hang in there. I hope you can find someone with whom you "fit".
Unrelated, but wondered as the news came out this week whether anyone else was triggered by the Khloé Kardashian cheating drama. It happens to plenty of celebrities, but this one hit particularly close to home. I, too, was pregnant on D-Day (almost 3 years ago). I, too, immediately went into labor, but was unfortunately only 7 months along. What followed was hospitalization, strict bedrest, and a month on my back and alone with my painful thoughts, until I gave birth, one month early. And the misfortunes only seemed to continue from there. Having made a lot of progress (in part due to this site), part of me felt ridiculous as I found myself reading article after article, and then crying uncontrollably in my room. I told the two friends who know, and H. All said supportive things, but I just don’t feel like anyone can really understand the way you all do here. On a lighter note, no one else probably enjoys this quite as much, either: http://people.com/tv/khloe-kardashian-fan-flood-tristan-thompson-instagram-page/
Sayonara, Even WITHOUT the betrayal, what you've gone through is an ordeal. And nothing about healing is ridiculous. Are you always this hard on yourself? Jeesh!! You've been through a helluva time. Pregnancy and childbirth is enough emotional upheaval without making things a billion times worse by having a husband who cheated. So...you have the permission of every single woman on this site to read articles, to cry until your eyeballs fall out, to rant and rage and fall to pieces. And then to look your little baby in the eye and let your heart melt because babies are miracles. And they remind us that we are so strong and so amazing so worthy of being loved just because we exist. Be kinder to yourself, Sayonara. Be gentle.
Thanks so much ladies for your thoughtful input on my counsellor dilemma. I think I might take the next session to speak up for myself and then move on from her. My h is doing huge work in MC but he himself has little confidence in me or my feelings which leaves us in a catch 22 as I am right to be wary right now. He deals with my reservations and triggers stil in a very defensive and often hostile way. He can’t stand what he perceives as me thinking badly of him. I just want him to take ownership of what he has done and deal with the fallout compassionately. A big thing in his past is his mother being overly praising and unconditionally loving he felt he never could be less than perfect whereas with his father (critical) he could never be good enough. So he has this weird dynamic now where he can’t face his failings maturely, it’s all a big panic and attack on me for having a problem. It’s so wearing and impossible to repair from the latest round of lies, deception, disrespect and misplaced inappropriate friendships and lunches with women, one of whom he meets twice a week in his drama course (ends in July). Our 20th wedding anniversary is on Wednesday which adds another poignancy to the whole thing as I found out recently that during the time of the emotional affair with someone else he kissed an ex girlfriend we both knew. Now she is part of our marriage.
FOH- best wishes in your search for a new counselor. I wholeheartedly agree with the other Betrayed Wives. This is trauma and you need an understanding therapist. I too had several ddays and worked hard to set boundaries over 2 years because he kept making poor decisions such as your H. You just want to scream when there is yet another unraveling of pain. It’s pain beyond what one person can handle, so a therapist knowing this alone, is helpful! I had my 20th wedding anniversary this past December and in my mind it was not 20, as he hit the reset button during the affair without my input. He was super proud of 20 and it was just another day for me. I now don’t get real excited about dates. Maybe someday it will return. Celebrate where you are today in the crafting of the new you and be mindful that as hard as this has been, you have made progress (despite continual setbacks). You’ve had so much stress this year, so know our thoughts and prayers are with you. Hugs
FOH- One more thing. One of my ddays was this past week (the major one) and on that day I said to him “do you know what day this is?” He was clueless and said that by me bringing it up I make him feel bad. I said, well this day will always be a date on my radar and I know that although much of my pain has subsided, it a date set in stone. I’m sorry it makes you feel bad and that just means YOU need to do work on YOU and deal with shame, disappointment, etc. Lord knows when I was neck high in my devastation and pain you were in la la land. I can be here for you to talk, but you need to “better” yourself and then come to me. I’ve fixed a shit ton over the years to smooth over rough edges and you need to own up to things and deal with yourself. Not talking about things is never a master plan. Deal with things and you will heal as I have I told him. I can’t be made out to be the bad person on your poor decisions. This too, has a lot to do with his mom. She wasn’t caring, loving or motherly. The relationship I have with my son is the absolute best. I’ve made it a priority, as what she did to my H has impacted him for years and then impacted me and the kids.
FOH, Is it still too early for you to be in MC? Maybe your husband should be doing HIS work on his own while you see an individual counsellor yourself. And then, if it seems like you're ready, find an MC who completely understands the long LONG tail of infidelity and how it continues to impact a relationship years/decades after it's "over". And Heartfelt, "not talking is never a master plan" needs to be stencilled over the bed of every husband who wants a second chance. Brilliant.
FOH, I totally understand where you are. And at least for us it was a huge hurdle for my husband to stop being defensive. We honestly had created a dynamic in our relationship where I backed down on even small stuff. Now I am seeing where he was praised and put on a pedestal his entire life. I am in general a pretty easy going person so that worked. Well until he had two affairs over ten years etc. My therapist said to me that whatever he is feeling is just too bad and I cannot back down. He needs to work past that. I had given him 20 years of trust and allowing him to do what he wants. And based on his actions he lost that freedom. And my therapist said my husband really should get used to the fact it will never be that way again if we want to stay together and have a health relationship. And I took that as a way to phrase it with my husband that we needed to start over and create the type of marriage we both want. And I was really firm and highly demanding of what I want. It has not always been comfortable for my husband. And even on simple things I am so firm now and I think it catches him off guard still.
Maybe Elle is right that more time for each of you would be best before diving into the marriage. And another thing my therapist said which goes to today's post 4/16, I think is that you have to just accept it and that is true for our husbands too. For my husband he felt that it was critical for him to live his life with 100% transparency and as if I was next to him at all times. He has done a lot of work and he said this is the best method and way to live. If he lives an authentic life with 100% transparency then there is nothing to hide. This took him a long time to get to this point. We have talked a lot about his upbringing, his parents and friends. Again no trauma but he has worked to see how it has shaped him. In the end though as he has said he has to live in today and if he wants to be with me he has to take actions that allow him to deserve to be with me. None of this is easy but it helps a lot. Honestly sometimes I feel guilty that I still struggle often since he says and does the right things.
I just wanted to say thanks so much to you all for giving your advice about the counselling and about my husbands defensiveness, it has been really helpful. I've made a few breakthroughs in the last few days which I will share at another time but we've decided to end the MC for the time being while we work on ourselves and will go to a final session with this MC to break with her. Any further MC will be with someone more experienced with infidelity counselling.
I'm glad, FOH. I think it's a wise course of action for both of you.And I'm glad you've had some breakthroughs. Sometimes when we allow ourselves to entertain that we can approach this differently (and when we start to pay attention to our intuition), we do get a few epiphanies.
Yep, you gotta keep on keeping on. It’s real hard, but with a job and kids that is all you can do. One foot in front of the other after you scrape yourself out of bed. Chin up and count your blessings and have gratitude to keep you going. Hugs to all that are struggling with this today. It gets better and you get better. I’m about hours away from my anniversary of Dday. 3 years out as a survivor. Kicking ass and taking names :)
ReplyDeleteI so love it when our warrior side emerges and bellows a "hell no" to the betrayal that brought us to our knees!
DeleteTodays's message is very relevant as I struggle to decide on another chance after more lies and inappropriate friendships 4 years after the original deception and then subsequent D-day 2. There have been so many stresses and uncertainties I've had to live "in spite of" so difficult. I'd like to ask advice from anyone in counselling. Our MC just doesn't seem to get the infidelity bit. I've been asking for help in mourning the old marriage and some kind of support in this limbo period while my husband does the (helpful) IC to see if he can stop lying and acting out. I explained that us working on our couple issues without exploring my predicament first was insinuating that I was signed up to continuing when really I'm not there yet. In yesterday's session she did not address any concerns or my plea for clarity as to where we were going with the counselling, structure etc and gave us another couples communication exercise. She also made an offhand (and incorrect) remark about it didn't seem to her that I'd had trauma in my background of origin. To summarize, she was helpful at the start but I really think (and my husband agrees) that she is missing the mark. Even his counseller seemed surprised that ours had not raised certain issues. I think she is not good in the infidelity arena. I really think I should change counsellors. Has anyone else done this? I just feel upset and unheard by her.
ReplyDeleteFOH, I never changed counselors but I think it is important for you to do so or at least try someone else based on what you are saying. I can speak from experience of my husband being in the mental health field. He totally supports the patients and never takes it personally. He wants all of his patients to get what they need and with cognitive behavioral therapy at least there should be progress. Of course progress can be measured in many ways but typically there are some agreed upon goals and/or areas to work on. My husband did not go to therapy and that is for another time and place to discuss. He advised I should seek out therapy for me and also since I chose to tell no one. His suggestion was to find someone who is licensed, specializes in infidelity and also who supports what my goals are. He has practiced with many people who have a predetermined idea of what they think a woman or man should do in this situation no matter what. i know that is not supposed to happen but it does. And I am sure for many their personal experiences shape their treatment of others. I know my husband has said he had a much improved ability for working with those dealing with infidelity, thoughts of infidelity or other issues related to relationship/marriage problems since dday.
DeleteOne other aspect is any professional with a general degree just has basic classes that cover these topics even marriage much less betrayal. They do not spend a lot of time. My husband said probably if you have a degree in marriage and family then it would dive in deeper. But in reality most people get general background since most people do not know what path they will take career wise. And even with an internship many times it is what they "get" or what is geographically close. Or even as with many professions their careers evolve. So she might not have that much education or background with what you need. I know shortly after dday I had read more and knew more about infidelity than my husband did with a ton more education, professional training and work experience. He had general knowledge and at least knew it was all his fault.
I looked online and search major cities within 1 1/2 hours. I did not want to go to anyone locally since my husband's profession and also he is one of the top go to people where we live. So I expanded my geographical area. I found someone right away who was licensed and had a long career as a marriage/relationship/infidelity therapist. My therapist was great. It reminded me of my pediatrician who has kids a similar age and is so easy to relate to during appointments. My therapist was highly relatable and what I liked is he helped me work through issues but also pushed me forward when needed. And if you try someone new and do not like them then no need to go back. Both my husband and I knew when we saw my therapist website it made sense. It screamed what I needed based on the information related to betrayal and the non judgmental approach put forward.
FoH, you absolutely need to feel seen and heard by the MC. You and your husband agree that she is missing the mark. You need to find someone who can serve you both and has experience addressing infidelity. During my d day time, I had already been seeing a therapist for IC. She was OK but not really digging deep into my issues with me. And I realized after dday she just didn't have the training to help me. It was really hard for me at the time, but I ended my therapeutic relationship with her. I had all kinds of cringe worthy co-dependent feelings about it, but ultimately I knew I needed help that she couldn't give me, so I stopped seeing her. I looked for and found someone who had experience with trauma recovery, was also a couples counselor and who has some training and a couple of decades of experience with infidelity. Took a while to find her. (This is my IC btw). You are allowed to stop seeing this MC who does not get it done for you. Not everyone with a shingle out is great at all forms of counseling. I'd argue that many think they can handle all forms of therapy but most are not trained or equipped for infidelity. This is a service you are paying for. Would you keep hiring a plumber who sort of fixed the leak but now the faucet is crooked and then the damn leak starts again?
DeleteIf you google "psychology today therapist" it will take you to their therapist directory. You can search by region and specifically for those offering help for infidelity. You can call them and ask for an initial call or consult to determine if they are right for you. You can ask them questions about how they handle the things that have not been working with your current therapist.
The fact that she is not addressing your trauma and your ambivalence (which is so common in the betrayed spouse post d day) and gives you another canned exercise tells me she has no idea what to do with a case like this. Give yourself permission to find another therapist. And stop seeing her if you feel like it is making things worse. While you look for a new, more qualified person, consider taking a page from Hopeful30 and schedule weekly talks. keep a journal and try to have just one topic that you'll cover (we tend to want to talk through everything, men tend to get overwhelmed and feel responsible for it all (right or wrong) so better to focus on one thing at a time.) Set a time limit. Agree in advance that either of you can call a time out if it gets to be too emotional, charged whatever.
FoH you already know this therapist is not right for you. Move on.
OMG Fragments of Hope I feel it is so important
Deleteto have a great relationship with your MC. The first one we used we lasted about 2 weeks with her and moved on. The 2nd one we found was so helpful to both of us she just got it. I can say she helped save our marriage. I never walked away from a session frustrated or angry I walked away feeling positive with hope. wish you all the best but I feel you need to start shopping for a new MC.
FOH,
DeleteI think this is one of those instances where you need to trust yourself. You have given this person the chance to respond to your stated needs. She isn't. Everything you've written amounts to: "This person isn't helping. She is misstating my background. She doesn't listen. Should I keep seeing her?" Of course you should move on. And I know it isn't as simple as I'm making it sound. I know it can feel exhausting to start over with someone else and doing the whole "getting to know you" stuff.
But this woman isn't helpful. It's not you. It's her.
Thinking of you today heartfelt, recreate today with something wonderful.. xxx
ReplyDeleteFoh, I understand what you mean, I always thought couple counselling following betrayal would be about the affair but I think what the Counsellor tries to do is get to the root of why they acted out in the first place. It feels kind of hopeless doesn’t it but I reckon they are looking at the bigger picture, because there is generally a bigger picture with our h, my h sounds very similar to yours and his affair had more to do with his upbringing and lifestyle choices than anything to do with me. I hope that makes sense and if you have any concerns just run them by your Counsellor. You may just have a crappy Counsellor but I’d just ask where she is going with her sessions.
ReplyDeleteHope you and your h get the support you need xx
Fragments of hope, I am so sorry to hear that you are not getting the help that you and your H need. It's not ideal but I think it would be better to change MC. She is missing the mark on too many things. The trauma is real and need to be addressed. That's just my opinion though
ReplyDeleteFOH, since you asked, I think you might want to research like Hopeful 30 suggested. Find someone who understands the trauma of infidelity betrayal. My new therapist is great. I've met with her twice for two hours each time and have more to think about than ever. She feels strongly that when infidelity happens MC is a must regardless of each person's background. Even though I have a strong clinical background in the mental health profession it still takes her time to get me out of my head and into my feelings. She challenges me in necessary ways. My husband and I only went to MC a few times and now I know that we have to do it again and for a much longer time. Hang in there. I hope you can find someone with whom you "fit".
ReplyDeleteUnrelated, but wondered as the news came out this week whether anyone else was triggered by the Khloé Kardashian cheating drama. It happens to plenty of celebrities, but this one hit particularly close to home. I, too, was pregnant on D-Day (almost 3 years ago). I, too, immediately went into labor, but was unfortunately only 7 months along. What followed was hospitalization, strict bedrest, and a month on my back and alone with my painful thoughts, until I gave birth, one month early. And the misfortunes only seemed to continue from there. Having made a lot of progress (in part due to this site), part of me felt ridiculous as I found myself reading article after article, and then crying uncontrollably in my room. I told the two friends who know, and H. All said supportive things, but I just don’t feel like anyone can really understand the way you all do here. On a lighter note, no one else probably enjoys this quite as much, either: http://people.com/tv/khloe-kardashian-fan-flood-tristan-thompson-instagram-page/
ReplyDeleteSayonara,
DeleteEven WITHOUT the betrayal, what you've gone through is an ordeal. And nothing about healing is ridiculous. Are you always this hard on yourself? Jeesh!! You've been through a helluva time. Pregnancy and childbirth is enough emotional upheaval without making things a billion times worse by having a husband who cheated.
So...you have the permission of every single woman on this site to read articles, to cry until your eyeballs fall out, to rant and rage and fall to pieces. And then to look your little baby in the eye and let your heart melt because babies are miracles.
And they remind us that we are so strong and so amazing so worthy of being loved just because we exist.
Be kinder to yourself, Sayonara. Be gentle.
Thanks so much ladies for your thoughtful input on my counsellor dilemma. I think I might take the next session to speak up for myself and then move on from her. My h is doing huge work in MC but he himself has little confidence in me or my feelings which leaves us in a catch 22 as I am right to be wary right now. He deals with my reservations and triggers stil in a very defensive and often hostile way. He can’t stand what he perceives as me thinking badly of him. I just want him to take ownership of what he has done and deal with the fallout compassionately. A big thing in his past is his mother being overly praising and unconditionally loving he felt he never could be less than perfect whereas with his father (critical) he could never be good enough. So he has this weird dynamic now where he can’t face his failings maturely, it’s all a big panic and attack on me for having a problem. It’s so wearing and impossible to repair from the latest round of lies, deception, disrespect and misplaced inappropriate friendships and lunches with women, one of whom he meets twice a week in his drama course (ends in July). Our 20th wedding anniversary is on Wednesday which adds another poignancy to the whole thing as I found out recently that during the time of the emotional affair with someone else he kissed an ex girlfriend we both knew. Now she is part of our marriage.
ReplyDeleteFOH- best wishes in your search for a new counselor. I wholeheartedly agree with the other Betrayed Wives. This is trauma and you need an understanding therapist.
DeleteI too had several ddays and worked hard to set boundaries over 2 years because he kept making poor decisions such as your H. You just want to scream when there is yet another unraveling of pain. It’s pain beyond what one person can handle, so a therapist knowing this alone, is helpful!
I had my 20th wedding anniversary this past December and in my mind it was not 20, as he hit the reset button during the affair without my input. He was super proud of 20 and it was just another day for me. I now don’t get real excited about dates. Maybe someday it will return. Celebrate where you are today in the crafting of the new you and be mindful that as hard as this has been, you have made progress (despite continual setbacks). You’ve had so much stress this year, so know our thoughts and prayers are with you. Hugs
FOH- One more thing. One of my ddays was this past week (the major one) and on that day I said to him “do you know what day this is?” He was clueless and said that by me bringing it up I make him feel bad. I said, well this day will always be a date on my radar and I know that although much of my pain has subsided, it a date set in stone. I’m sorry it makes you feel bad and that just means YOU need to do work on YOU and deal with shame, disappointment, etc. Lord knows when I was neck high in my devastation and pain you were in la la land. I can be here for you to talk, but you need to “better” yourself and then come to me. I’ve fixed a shit ton over the years to smooth over rough edges and you need to own up to things and deal with yourself. Not talking about things is never a master plan. Deal with things and you will heal as I have I told him. I can’t be made out to be the bad person on your poor decisions.
DeleteThis too, has a lot to do with his mom. She wasn’t caring, loving or motherly. The relationship I have with my son is the absolute best. I’ve made it a priority, as what she did to my H has impacted him for years and then impacted me and the kids.
FOH,
DeleteIs it still too early for you to be in MC? Maybe your husband should be doing HIS work on his own while you see an individual counsellor yourself. And then, if it seems like you're ready, find an MC who completely understands the long LONG tail of infidelity and how it continues to impact a relationship years/decades after it's "over".
And Heartfelt, "not talking is never a master plan" needs to be stencilled over the bed of every husband who wants a second chance. Brilliant.
FOH, I totally understand where you are. And at least for us it was a huge hurdle for my husband to stop being defensive. We honestly had created a dynamic in our relationship where I backed down on even small stuff. Now I am seeing where he was praised and put on a pedestal his entire life. I am in general a pretty easy going person so that worked. Well until he had two affairs over ten years etc. My therapist said to me that whatever he is feeling is just too bad and I cannot back down. He needs to work past that. I had given him 20 years of trust and allowing him to do what he wants. And based on his actions he lost that freedom. And my therapist said my husband really should get used to the fact it will never be that way again if we want to stay together and have a health relationship. And I took that as a way to phrase it with my husband that we needed to start over and create the type of marriage we both want. And I was really firm and highly demanding of what I want. It has not always been comfortable for my husband. And even on simple things I am so firm now and I think it catches him off guard still.
DeleteMaybe Elle is right that more time for each of you would be best before diving into the marriage. And another thing my therapist said which goes to today's post 4/16, I think is that you have to just accept it and that is true for our husbands too. For my husband he felt that it was critical for him to live his life with 100% transparency and as if I was next to him at all times. He has done a lot of work and he said this is the best method and way to live. If he lives an authentic life with 100% transparency then there is nothing to hide. This took him a long time to get to this point. We have talked a lot about his upbringing, his parents and friends. Again no trauma but he has worked to see how it has shaped him. In the end though as he has said he has to live in today and if he wants to be with me he has to take actions that allow him to deserve to be with me. None of this is easy but it helps a lot. Honestly sometimes I feel guilty that I still struggle often since he says and does the right things.
I just wanted to say thanks so much to you all for giving your advice about the counselling and about my husbands defensiveness, it has been really helpful. I've made a few breakthroughs in the last few days which I will share at another time but we've decided to end the MC for the time being while we work on ourselves and will go to a final session with this MC to break with her. Any further MC will be with someone more experienced with infidelity counselling.
ReplyDeleteI'm glad, FOH. I think it's a wise course of action for both of you.And I'm glad you've had some breakthroughs. Sometimes when we allow ourselves to entertain that we can approach this differently (and when we start to pay attention to our intuition), we do get a few epiphanies.
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