This isn’t me at all, I wear my heart on my sleeve. There probably isn’t anyone in my circle who doesn’t know about my h affairs, I feel lighter for sharing my load, if people judge me with that information that’s on them.. I’ve done nothing wrong other than give him more than he deserves .. xx
I totally keep it all in. My main motivation is my kids. We try to be as honest with them as possible but I feel this would break them. And I know how inquisitive they are it would eat them alive.
Hopeful 30, I feel the same way you do regarding how your kids would take this. I know kids adapt to their lives, regardless of the direction it takes but I've deliberately decided to shield my adult kids from the actions/behaviors of their father. It is a burden I do not want them to share with me. Both of my therapists plus my best friend somewhat disagree with my approach because it puts all the burden on me. I protect them at my own expense. I have deep resentments that I have chosen to keep this secret from my family so they still idolize him and think he is just a wonderful guy. I die a little bit every day because of this yet I cannot imagine doing anything else unless he decided to go back to his old ways. In your post from yesterday you mentioned that your husband is drinking again and partying more. Does he recognize that? The fact that he is in the mental health field and therefore says he doesn't need counseling is a cop-out and he knows it. I've a large circle of professional friends including doctors who finally got help after getting their ego put to bed. It is not a crime to admit you need another person's opinion and there is an old saying, "The doctor who treats himself has a fool for a patient" If you really want to get to the bottom of his "You are too good for me" BS, insist he go to couples counseling with you so he can be honest and transparent in front of a professional peer. It sure looks to me like he is making the rules for your healing and your pain and suffering are not being acknowledged in front of a witness. My therapist has convinced me that this witnessing of pain is important for change, growth and healing to occur. It was very hard for my husband to go to counseling with me and to see my pain and be asked, "How does it make you feel to see her cry?" "How does it make you feel to witness the effects of your betrayal and lies to her?" Since this is the one thing you have not done with him, I'd say it would be worth a shot in order to move forward. My husband said he would go back to counseling with me if I wanted and I may do that at some point. I watched him cry, squirm, and feel the full effects of my sadness, anger and disgust and I watched him respond to our therapist. It was very helpful for me to see him confronted by a neutral party. He could not sugar coat it or make excuses. Much love to you.
Beach Girl, Yes all good points. Sometimes there is drinking sometimes it is just out with friends with no drinking. At the crux of it is he enjoys his friends. However if by chance or on purpose he was drawn to friends who like to drink. He has admitted to me what he told me as how he saw himself is not accurate. He has told me that once he has a drink it is hard for him to stop. It is just hard for me to comprehend since I can take it or leave it and go months without drinking. We never drink at home only in social settings with friends for both of us.
I backed off on making him join me in therapy since my therapist was okay with it based on his progress and felt like we might end up just going through the motions. My therapist was adamant to not tell my kids as long as we are making progress and committed to making this work. My therapist felt if we separated and were living apart then something would need to be said otherwise the idea was it would be too damaging and not really serve any purpose. More than ever I want my kids to see their dad in a positive light and I feel he has really stepped up more than ever and deserves that. The damage would be too major especially if they knew even the "g" version. I struggle with when my one child reminds me of him. It is hard for me to go through it. Granted this is a pre teen working through things and he was an adult. However their behavior is so similar it sends chills up and down my spine. At this point I am so used to people gushing about him to me. He struggles with it more than I do since he feels like a hypocrite with everyone especially his parents. He has brought up how his parents and siblings would be irate and disgusted with him.
I have been worn down from flu/sickness, overly busy with work and a million other things. I so need to make this a priority. Right now I have been taking care of myself by getting sleep when I can. It needs to move to the top of my priority/to do list!
Hopeful 30, I hope you get the rest you need over the weekend. I was very sick with the flu in March and into April myself and had nobody to care for so I could rest. My husband did wait on me hand and foot and tried to get me to go to the ER when my fever hit 106 but I'm a stubborn old lady and took more Tylenol but geesh you are a mom, wife, worker and exhausted warrior sister so please do your best to get some rest. Hugs to you
This isn’t me at all, I wear my heart on my sleeve. There probably isn’t anyone in my circle who doesn’t know about my h affairs, I feel lighter for sharing my load, if people judge me with that information that’s on them.. I’ve done nothing wrong other than give him more than he deserves .. xx
ReplyDeleteI’m sometimes too quick to open my mouth and pour it out! The good the bad and the ugly! Living one day at a time!
ReplyDeleteMe too. Oh that is so me to.
DeleteBlindsided.
I am right there with both of you!!!
ReplyDeleteSam A and Theresa
ReplyDeleteLike you Cheryl, I'm right there with you all.
Hugs
Gabby xo
I totally keep it all in. My main motivation is my kids. We try to be as honest with them as possible but I feel this would break them. And I know how inquisitive they are it would eat them alive.
ReplyDeleteHopeful 30, I feel the same way you do regarding how your kids would take this. I know kids adapt to their lives, regardless of the direction it takes but I've deliberately decided to shield my adult kids from the actions/behaviors of their father. It is a burden I do not want them to share with me. Both of my therapists plus my best friend somewhat disagree with my approach because it puts all the burden on me. I protect them at my own expense. I have deep resentments that I have chosen to keep this secret from my family so they still idolize him and think he is just a wonderful guy. I die a little bit every day because of this yet I cannot imagine doing anything else unless he decided to go back to his old ways. In your post from yesterday you mentioned that your husband is drinking again and partying more. Does he recognize that? The fact that he is in the mental health field and therefore says he doesn't need counseling is a cop-out and he knows it. I've a large circle of professional friends including doctors who finally got help after getting their ego put to bed. It is not a crime to admit you need another person's opinion and there is an old saying, "The doctor who treats himself has a fool for a patient" If you really want to get to the bottom of his "You are too good for me" BS, insist he go to couples counseling with you so he can be honest and transparent in front of a professional peer. It sure looks to me like he is making the rules for your healing and your pain and suffering are not being acknowledged in front of a witness. My therapist has convinced me that this witnessing of pain is important for change, growth and healing to occur. It was very hard for my husband to go to counseling with me and to see my pain and be asked, "How does it make you feel to see her cry?" "How does it make you feel to witness the effects of your betrayal and lies to her?" Since this is the one thing you have not done with him, I'd say it would be worth a shot in order to move forward. My husband said he would go back to counseling with me if I wanted and I may do that at some point. I watched him cry, squirm, and feel the full effects of my sadness, anger and disgust and I watched him respond to our therapist. It was very helpful for me to see him confronted by a neutral party. He could not sugar coat it or make excuses. Much love to you.
DeleteBeach Girl, Yes all good points. Sometimes there is drinking sometimes it is just out with friends with no drinking. At the crux of it is he enjoys his friends. However if by chance or on purpose he was drawn to friends who like to drink. He has admitted to me what he told me as how he saw himself is not accurate. He has told me that once he has a drink it is hard for him to stop. It is just hard for me to comprehend since I can take it or leave it and go months without drinking. We never drink at home only in social settings with friends for both of us.
DeleteI backed off on making him join me in therapy since my therapist was okay with it based on his progress and felt like we might end up just going through the motions. My therapist was adamant to not tell my kids as long as we are making progress and committed to making this work. My therapist felt if we separated and were living apart then something would need to be said otherwise the idea was it would be too damaging and not really serve any purpose. More than ever I want my kids to see their dad in a positive light and I feel he has really stepped up more than ever and deserves that. The damage would be too major especially if they knew even the "g" version. I struggle with when my one child reminds me of him. It is hard for me to go through it. Granted this is a pre teen working through things and he was an adult. However their behavior is so similar it sends chills up and down my spine. At this point I am so used to people gushing about him to me. He struggles with it more than I do since he feels like a hypocrite with everyone especially his parents. He has brought up how his parents and siblings would be irate and disgusted with him.
I have been worn down from flu/sickness, overly busy with work and a million other things. I so need to make this a priority. Right now I have been taking care of myself by getting sleep when I can. It needs to move to the top of my priority/to do list!
Hopeful 30, I hope you get the rest you need over the weekend. I was very sick with the flu in March and into April myself and had nobody to care for so I could rest. My husband did wait on me hand and foot and tried to get me to go to the ER when my fever hit 106 but I'm a stubborn old lady and took more Tylenol but geesh you are a mom, wife, worker and exhausted warrior sister so please do your best to get some rest. Hugs to you
Delete