Hmm...words to ponder. I know who I am, and I know what I want, I just can't have it. I want the man my husband has become after his infidelities and soul searching, but without his betrayals. Impossible. Can't have it both ways. But I also don't seem able to get past the cheating and the lies. I've been reading this blog for three years now and at times it has helped me continue working on our relationship. We've had three years of therapy, and if I could only forget the things he has done we could be incredibly happy. How do women do this? How do you accept the past and move on? Do I cultivate a sense of gratitude that he did not completely ruin our lives? Do I thank his affair partner for not being the type of woman he truly wants to be with? Do I thank God that my husband,at some point, woke up and realized he was trashing his life, and the lives of his family? The damage is done. He has moved on to becoming a better man. His family, however, remains confused, hurt and distrusting. We can't have what we want. We can settle for what we have, or we can walk away.
Anonymous, Two possibilities: One is that you are suffering from post-trauma, in which the infidelity still feels immediate and, therefore, you're suffering as if it's still happening. With post-trauma, our memories don't get stored properly as memories and treatment essentially means refiling those memories as, well, memories. Something that happened but isn't still happening. Option two: You work hard on staying present, rather than consistently looking in the rear-view mirror. You cannot undo what's happened. So you're left with either leaving the marriage because it's not where you want to be, or recognizing that, in order to have the husband you have now, he had to go through some shit (and drag you through it too). Fair? Absolutely not. There is nothing fair about infidelity. But...here we are. Meditation can be really helpful in teaching us to live in the present and to feel our sadness without it pulling us under. Perhaps skip the couples counselling and work on you now. There is no undoing the past. But your focus on it is hurting your present. Think of the time you're spending on something that is completely out of your control. It's been said that healing is giving up any hope of having a better past. Consider what you think is getting in the way...and work on addressing it. At this point, I don't think it's the marriage you have now that's the problem. It's that your past is polluting your present.
I wonder that myself. I'm seven years out. I hate to tell you, you will never forget it ever. I don't accept it, I learn to tolerate it. I know it sounds like settling. I'm not grateful at all. Everyone I ever had a relationship with has cheated on me someway except my dog. Dogs are loyal. I really don't have a straight answer. I just knew my life would be better with him than without him. My choice. It took me 4-5 years to finally decide to put his problems aside and focus on my life. My life with him. Not my life intertwined with his. I can't go back, it won't be like it was before and I don't want it to be. I still have mind movies, triggers not frequently or not at all for several weeks. Like I bought a red cowboy straw hat. Then I felt funny and I realized I saw a picture of the OW with a straw hat looking up. Surprised her mouth wasn't open. Anyway, you will figure it. When you said "we" don't let your children carry on your burdens. Not good in the long run. You don't need to thank anyone for being an asshole. This is your turn, your choice. How much can you tolerate? There is no justice for you and your family. No matter which you look at it, it is catastrophe and it doesn't have to be this way. What you are going through was the hardest part of the healing process for me.
Thanks for your reply. I recognize that it is my choice. The problem is the roller coaster I now live on. I want to stay married to him. I can't stay married to him. I understand that he messed up and is sorry. I can't forgive him. How could he be so stupid? So thoughtless? So selfish? He's a good man who did some terrible things. But is he really a good man? Would a good man really do those things? Yes. No. How do you answer these questions when there is no right answer? Dart board? Nothing is right. Nothing is wrong. Everything is wrong. Your words give me some hope that this phase will pass, only I don't know where my mind will be when it does. The thought of continuing this way for years yet to come makes me nauseous. What does a strong woman do? Stay or go? It seems like it should be as obvious as right or left. Thanks again for sharing your experience. Every little bit helps.
One more thing: Good people can do bad things. Nobody is all good or all bad (well, maybe some are all bad but I don't think that's what we're talking about here). The day I could empathize with my husband -- to recognize that, maybe just maybe, if I'd had his parents, his upbringining, his personality, his inability to manage emotions -- I might have made similar choices. Having a hierarchy in which we consistently put ourselves as morally superior often hurts us too.
Hmm...words to ponder. I know who I am, and I know what I want, I just can't have it. I want the man my husband has become after his infidelities and soul searching, but without his betrayals. Impossible. Can't have it both ways. But I also don't seem able to get past the cheating and the lies. I've been reading this blog for three years now and at times it has helped me continue working on our relationship. We've had three years of therapy, and if I could only forget the things he has done we could be incredibly happy. How do women do this? How do you accept the past and move on? Do I cultivate a sense of gratitude that he did not completely ruin our lives? Do I thank his affair partner for not being the type of woman he truly wants to be with? Do I thank God that my husband,at some point, woke up and realized he was trashing his life, and the lives of his family? The damage is done. He has moved on to becoming a better man. His family, however, remains confused, hurt and distrusting. We can't have what we want. We can settle for what we have, or we can walk away.
ReplyDeleteAnonymous,
DeleteTwo possibilities: One is that you are suffering from post-trauma, in which the infidelity still feels immediate and, therefore, you're suffering as if it's still happening. With post-trauma, our memories don't get stored properly as memories and treatment essentially means refiling those memories as, well, memories. Something that happened but isn't still happening.
Option two: You work hard on staying present, rather than consistently looking in the rear-view mirror. You cannot undo what's happened. So you're left with either leaving the marriage because it's not where you want to be, or recognizing that, in order to have the husband you have now, he had to go through some shit (and drag you through it too). Fair? Absolutely not. There is nothing fair about infidelity. But...here we are. Meditation can be really helpful in teaching us to live in the present and to feel our sadness without it pulling us under. Perhaps skip the couples counselling and work on you now. There is no undoing the past. But your focus on it is hurting your present. Think of the time you're spending on something that is completely out of your control. It's been said that healing is giving up any hope of having a better past.
Consider what you think is getting in the way...and work on addressing it. At this point, I don't think it's the marriage you have now that's the problem. It's that your past is polluting your present.
I wonder that myself. I'm seven years out. I hate to tell you, you will never forget it ever. I don't accept it, I learn to tolerate it. I know it sounds like settling. I'm not grateful at all. Everyone I ever had a relationship with has cheated on me someway except my dog. Dogs are loyal. I really don't have a straight answer. I just knew my life would be better with him than without him. My choice. It took me 4-5 years to finally decide to put his problems aside and focus on my life. My life with him. Not my life intertwined with his. I can't go back, it won't be like it was before and I don't want it to be. I still have mind movies, triggers not frequently or not at all for several weeks. Like I bought a red cowboy straw hat. Then I felt funny and I realized I saw a picture of the OW with a straw hat looking up. Surprised her mouth wasn't open. Anyway, you will figure it. When you said "we" don't let your children carry on your burdens. Not good in the long run. You don't need to thank anyone for being an asshole. This is your turn, your choice. How much can you tolerate? There is no justice for you and your family. No matter which you look at it, it is catastrophe and it doesn't have to be this way. What you are going through was the hardest part of the healing process for me.
ReplyDeleteThanks for your reply. I recognize that it is my choice. The problem is the roller coaster I now live on. I want to stay married to him. I can't stay married to him. I understand that he messed up and is sorry. I can't forgive him. How could he be so stupid? So thoughtless? So selfish? He's a good man who did some terrible things. But is he really a good man? Would a good man really do those things? Yes. No. How do you answer these questions when there is no right answer? Dart board? Nothing is right. Nothing is wrong. Everything is wrong. Your words give me some hope that this phase will pass, only I don't know where my mind will be when it does. The thought of continuing this way for years yet to come makes me nauseous. What does a strong woman do? Stay or go? It seems like it should be as obvious as right or left. Thanks again for sharing your experience. Every little bit helps.
ReplyDeleteOne more thing: Good people can do bad things. Nobody is all good or all bad (well, maybe some are all bad but I don't think that's what we're talking about here). The day I could empathize with my husband -- to recognize that, maybe just maybe, if I'd had his parents, his upbringining, his personality, his inability to manage emotions -- I might have made similar choices. Having a hierarchy in which we consistently put ourselves as morally superior often hurts us too.
Delete