I’ve had a hard time showing up here the past week or so. Like so many, I’ve been gripped by images of protests around the United States and even Canada, where I live. It’s not that I’m not feeling your pain right now. I am. I’m feeling it more acutely because of the clear pain that so many others are feeling right now. My heart feels broken open yet again for a world in pain.
I won’t pretend that I know what it’s like to be Black in the world right now. I have the privilege of growing up in a culture that prioritizes whiteness, that confers upon us status and goodness that we have not necessarily earned. A culture that, largely, protects me. But even with my privilege, I know what it feels like to be betrayed. You know too. And if we’re open to it, that pain we know, that agonizing pain of betrayal, can help us remain open to the pain of others who have felt betrayed for generations. It can help us keep quiet while we listen to their stories. It can, as Nadia Bolz-Weber urges us to do, help us stay curious.
What did you want more than anything in the wake of betrayal? (Except to undo what had happened, of course.) I know what I wanted: Someone to really hear my pain, to not look away, to not wish I were over it, to not imply that my pain was inconvenient or uncomfortable or undignified. I read a quote online this past weekend that resonated: Don’t let those who denied your pain tell you how loud to cry.
The images we’re seeing might look to some of us like an over-reaction. But – oh man! – can I relate to the urge to burn it all down. To act out my rage. When the world won’t listen to our whispers, what choice do we have but to scream.
I am going to count on you, my incredible invisible sisters (and brothers), to keep your comments respectful. I know that what’s happening right now has our emotions heightened. Those among us who are people of color, who belong to marginalized groups, need our compassion right now, not our judgement. They need those of us who’ve been broken-hearted to use that pain, that memory of trauma, to hold ourselves open to their pain. To make space for it. And to understand that their stories hold as much truth as ours.
For those struggling, here are few suggestions for self-care:
•limit your use of social media
•donate to causes that can use your money to amplify their voices
•escape into a book, a movie, a TV show, a hike in the woods
•you are not selfish if you simply do not have room for any more pain right now. You must tend to your own wound first
Yes! Just yes!
ReplyDeleteThis is something I have believed since d-day. I have carried that with me for the last 7 years. It has transformed how I hear my rageful daughter and how I see my marginalized neighbors and community. Holding in your pain so you can get along and "be good" destroys you from the inside. If you don't have a safe way to discharge and process and heal, rage comes spilling forth in big and small ways--for each of us individually and societally. I know this intimately and this knowledge is one of the rare "gifts" of my betrayal.
ReplyDeleteYep, those gifts are there if we're willing to be open to it. A lot has transformed for me too. I no longer think I know how others should express their pain. It's not mine.
DeleteI can't believe being quarantined with my H in those first few days. I was in and out of the house so much to get away, run away. The blind rage was unbelievable. Good suggestions, Elle. This year I grew vegetables in containers. Nurturing something was good and when I'm tending to my big container garden I'm thinking about anything. This year I have done so much nurturing, in my orchard are peaches, apples, pears and cherries. On the fence is grapes. Blue berry bushes. I bought a green house. Others may think infidelity and I think tomatoes and basil. Some other suggestions, I put on a mask and delivered my magazines to widows in our community. For those that can't read a coffee table book. This isn't to NOT think about yourself but gives you an outlet to try to stay sane. I keep thinking about all the cheaters trying to get to the OW and wife finds out via electronic means. I'm surprise we haven't heard more.
ReplyDeleteLLP,
DeleteThose are great things to do. I think there's something primal and restorative about growing something -- a tiny seed or seedling becomes something beautiful or nourishing.