Tuesday, June 9, 2020

What's the difference between private and secret?

What's the deal with counsellors who say that unfaithful partners are entitled to "privacy"? To have a bowel movement, yes. To use the phone/computer/etc they used to cheat? No way. I'm not advocating for a police state but I do think there needs to be transparency.
@elletomany

I tweeted that a couple of weeks ago. Responses to it ranged from hell yeah to yeah but to I don't know about this...
I get it. It's confusing. If we've been in a relatively grown-up relationship – by which I mean we haven't made a habit of monitoring our partner's whereabouts or communication – the "total transparency" so many of us talk about with regards to healing can feel weird. Factor in that our heads are spinning, we're terrified/anxious/agonized, and there's not a hard-and-fast rule book for surviving infidelity (though Encyclopedia for the Betrayed is the closest I could create), and it's no wonder we're stymied by what's reasonable to expect from our partners in the wake of their infidelity.
Though lots of us could care less about reasonable. We want to chain our unfaithful partners, take away their phones and computers, and, in some cases, castrate them.
But, in the interest of keeping ourselves out of prison and rebuilding a healthy relationship, let's let "reasonable" be our guide.
To start, let's consider the difference between secrecy and privacy.
Privacy is information that isn't harmful to your partner's health/well-being but that you don't necessary want to share except with the intended recipient. For instance, texting your best friend about your husband's apparent inability to wash dishes.
Secrecy is something that is harmful to your partner's health/well-being.
Where things get muddy is where partners draw the line. For one person, watching porn is private whereas for another, it's secret. It comes down to: If my partner knew I was doing this/communicating this, would he/she be okay with it? If the answer is no, you're keeping it secret. If the answer is yes, it's private. To muddy the waters further, some partners choose to plead ignorance about their partner's response. As in, "I didn't think it would bother you." "I figured you'd be okay with it." When pressed, however, most of us, if we know our partners, know roughly where the line is drawn. And if we don't know, then it's time to ask clearly and, if appropriate, negotiate. Let's take porn again. Your partner sees it as betrayal. You see it as harmless fun. In a healthy relationship, you might discuss how it affects your relationship and reach a compromise.
What happens post-betrayal is that behaviour we thought was fine – lunch with a work colleague, for instance – becomes fraught. When I believed my husband would never cheat on me, it didn't bother me in the least that he sometimes had lunch with colleagues of the opposite sex. After D-Day? No way. My heartbreak, my rules. If he were to violate that, it's secrecy. He knows it's harmful to me and our relationship.
We opt for secrecy to avoid negative consequences. How many of us are told by our partners, when we ask for details, that it's for our good that he doesn't tell us. It would hurt us, we're told.
Yeah, it probably would. But the problem here isn't that the information would hurt us, it's that his behaviour has hurt us. The emphasis is being put on the wrong thing. Only when he has come clean about his behaviour – as much of it as we choose to know – can we start over with a clean slate and a clear understanding of what is and is not acceptable within our relationship. He doesn't get to claim "privacy" when what he's doing is protecting himself from the consequences of bad behaviour. That's not private. It's secret.
The rules, of course, can – and likely should – change with time. In the months following D-Day, my husband no longer went out for a beer or two after hockey. If he wasn't at work, he was at home. My pain required it. Now? My needs are different. He is entitled to privacy. I don't need to know every conversation. I don't check his phone (though I reserve the right to do so, if I feel something's not right). I trust him. Not 100% but enough.
Who wants to live in a police state? Over the long term, that feeds your anxiety, rather than assuaging it.
It's a tired theme but communication is your best tool to address the pain of betrayal and to heal from it. Communication will help you work through what's private versus what's secret. Talk about what you need in the wake of D-Day and continue to talk as those needs evolve. Secrets are toxic no matter who's holding them.
What's the deal with counsellors who say that unfaithful partners are entitled to "privacy"? To have a bowel movement, yes. To use the phone/computer/etc they used to cheat? No way. I'm not advocating for a police state but I do think there needs to be transparency.

9 comments:

  1. Just found your blog! My husband had a two year affair with a co-worker. I discovered it, confronted, and after several more weeks of emails, he finally broke it off. I think. That said, how does one get one's spouse to agree to total transparency, including sharing phone PINs? He would just as soon sweep the affair under the rug, but I need assurance that no contact is indeed being maintained. I cannot get him to talk about the affair, much less get him to share his phone PIN.

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    1. Anonymous, I'm so sorry for the pain you're in but very glad you found us. How do you get him to share passwords, etc? and to talk about the affair? By making it non-negotiable. You'll see the tagline at the top of this site is "my heartbreak, my rules". He violated your trust. He is asking you to forgive something he said he'd never do. He wants you to begin trusting him again. What is he doing to make reconciliation possible? It's not enough to say "I'm no longer cheating" because he has revealed himself to be dishonest. It would be insane to take the word of a many who has revealed himself a liar. He needs to SHOW you that he's worth giving a second chance. And he SHOWS that by giving you access to any and all channels of communication so that you can see he's not lying. He SHOWS that by supporting you in your pain, which includes talking about it. I do not know a single couple who has rebuild a marriage in which they're both happy that haven't had to learn how to talk about really painful, difficult things like infidelity. You can remain married, sure. But it will feel hollow because he hasn't had the deep reckoning that shows you he understand just how badly he's hurt you and that makes him think twice (or three times) about ever doing that to you again.
      I wrote a letter to husbands about this exact thing because SO many of them want us to shut up and move on. Nope. Doesn't work that way. My heartbreak, my rules. https://betrayedwivesclub.blogspot.com/2014/04/my-letter-to-husbands-just-talk-about.html

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  2. I don't typically comment although I am a long time reader, but this really hit a note with me. I am over 3 years out from DDay 1 (there was another less than a year after marriage counseling and reconciling) and I'm divorced since early this year, but wow. The part about counselors saying cheaters are entitled to privacy really hit a nerve. This is EXACTLY what I encountered with a marriage counselor. I was painted as the bad partner because of my reaction to his affair. As if my reaction to it justified his affair. And the counselor was backing him up. What the ever loving hell? I was told that I shouldn't be bringing up things from the past but he was reaching 30 years in the past to tell me why he was justified in cheating. I stated that I wanted/needed full access to all his accounts/passwords if we were going to reconcile and was told by the therapist that if I wanted to try to save my marriage that I had to trust him. Huh? Isn't that how we got there in the first place? But as the obedient patient/wife, I did what I was told. Know what that got me? He continued on with his affair, but now, if I even showed any suspicion at all, I was at fault. Finally nailed him again and it was twisted around to being my fault again and I am divorced and he did a full out smear campaign to show himself as the victim. I guess this is all a round about way of saying to everyone - even if a therapist tells you something, if it feels wrong, it probably is wrong. In my experience, there are likely more bad therapists out there than good and if you find a good one, hold on to them for dear life. I've gotten way more helpful advice from this blog than any therapist. And I now know that I am better off without a man who values me for nothing more than what he can get me to do for him.
    - Older and wiser

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    1. Anonymous, I am SO sorry for what you went through with your husband and SO sorry that you were gaslit by your therapist too. That is unconscionable. You are absolutely right when you say that if something feels wrong, it probably IS wrong.
      Kudos to you for learning to trust your gut over both of them. But such a painful lesson. Thank-you so much for sharing your story because it will do a lot of good for others who are feeling exactly as you did -- that they're being asked by their spouse and therapist to minimize their own feelings and needs. A "marriage" is never more important than honoring than ourselves. You are indeed older and wiser and, may I say, pretty awesome!

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  3. I have decided to reconcile after cheating. It was a moment of heartbreak, but my partner has done everything in his power to regain my trust. We have done therapy and have had immense communication with one another. It sounds odd but it feels like my relationship is almost stronger than it was before. We share everything, are more affectionate, and are completely happy with one another. My friends went through this process with me, and while initially and understandably angered by his cheating and the pain it brought to me, have decided to support my relationship. They understand how much he means to me, but also recognize it was truly a mistake, and he is a still a great person. What I struggle with so much however is my parents and close friends from out of town. My friends who know are highly encouraging me to tell my parents and other friends what happened. But this terrifies me. On one hand, I do want to tell them. It is horrible living with the guilt of not being able to share with them some of the darkest months of my life. I feel like a liar. And my partner feels so guilty around them too. At the same time, I worry that they will be very unsupportive and hate my for my decision. And I hate the idea of my family hating my partner, especially since they have previously had a good relationship. While I do not want my spouse and I to feel guilty around them, I also do not want to put him in a situation where he feels to guilty to approach my family. I would also never want to strain my own relationship with my family, and be with someone they do not like. But losing my partner, especially with how far we have already come, is the most terrifying thing in the world to me.

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    1. Anonymous,
      The problem with secrets is that they signify shame. And you reconciling with someone who has done everything he could to earn a second chance is nothing to be ashamed of. Also...you don't owe anybody anything. You are a grown woman who gets to make the choices she thinks is right. But, I know how hard that can feel when others have supported us in our pain. So, know that, likely, any resistance to re conciliation is THEIR fear that you will be hurt again. Don't take it on. It's their emotions.
      But I would urge you both to just address the situation clearly and honestly. "I know that this is scary for you to hear that we're reconciling. Thank-you for your support but I've given this a lot of consideration and I've made the choice that's right for me. It would mean a lot to me if you would accept that and, I hope, come to support both of us in that choice." Or whatever words feel right to you.
      Your job isn't to please other people. It's to do what's right for you. That can feel really uncomfortable, especially in families where we are accustomed to pleasing others (whether intentionally or not). But this is a circumstance where your partner can step up too with these people -- admit his mistake, own it completely, and promise them, as he's promised you, that he is doing everything he can to be a better person. Whether they accept it or not is out of your control.

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  4. I found out Sat morning, that my husband had a 3 yr affair. It ended a year ago when we moved to another state. She sent me a middle of the night drunken message that I woke up to. He says it was just sex, he loves me, he is sorrh, racked with guilt, etc etc but I cannot even look at him. We had an issue with sexting about 5 years ago. I thought we had gotten past it, but turns out, he just upped the ante. I did not see anything out of the ordinary. At all. We have been together 10 years and I am at a loss. He starts counseling tomorrow, but idk if it's going to matter. I am so angry, hurt and humiliated...again

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    1. Unknown,
      You are undoubtedly reeling from this. It's shocking and appalling and deeply painful. For now, I would encourage you to focus on you and what you need. Are you eating? Are you able to sleep? As best you can, nurutre yourself as you would a good friend who was grieving. Time will make clear whether he's willing to do the incredibly hard work of figuring out why he's jeopardizing what matters to him for someone he says doesn't matter. "Just sex" isn't a good enough reason. There's a whole lot more there that he needs to take a good long look at.
      In the meantime, I hope you will find yourself a good counsellor who can help you process the pain of betrayal, who can remind you that you do NOT deserve this and who will assure you that will get through this. I know it feels like hell right now, but I promise you the day will come when you are past this. For now, take care of yourself.

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  5. Thank you. Yes, hell is appropriate. I have a very good friend who I shared with and she is incredible and making sure I am taking care of myself. Eating is hard amd sleeping is harder, but it's improving a bit each day. It's difficult to even look at him. We have each started counseling on our own. He is killing himself with apologies, tears, words amd tokens of love but to me, they're just empty words and gestures. Time will tell. Thank you for the blog.

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