What's the difference between private and secret?

What's the deal with counsellors who say that unfaithful partners are entitled to "privacy"? To have a bowel movement, yes. To use the phone/computer/etc they used to cheat? No way. I'm not advocating for a police state but I do think there needs to be transparency.
@elletomany

I tweeted that a couple of weeks ago. Responses to it ranged from hell yeah to yeah but to I don't know about this...
I get it. It's confusing. If we've been in a relatively grown-up relationship – by which I mean we haven't made a habit of monitoring our partner's whereabouts or communication – the "total transparency" so many of us talk about with regards to healing can feel weird. Factor in that our heads are spinning, we're terrified/anxious/agonized, and there's not a hard-and-fast rule book for surviving infidelity (though Encyclopedia for the Betrayed is the closest I could create), and it's no wonder we're stymied by what's reasonable to expect from our partners in the wake of their infidelity.
Though lots of us could care less about reasonable. We want to chain our unfaithful partners, take away their phones and computers, and, in some cases, castrate them.
But, in the interest of keeping ourselves out of prison and rebuilding a healthy relationship, let's let "reasonable" be our guide.
To start, let's consider the difference between secrecy and privacy.
Privacy is information that isn't harmful to your partner's health/well-being but that you don't necessary want to share except with the intended recipient. For instance, texting your best friend about your husband's apparent inability to wash dishes.
Secrecy is something that is harmful to your partner's health/well-being.
Where things get muddy is where partners draw the line. For one person, watching porn is private whereas for another, it's secret. It comes down to: If my partner knew I was doing this/communicating this, would he/she be okay with it? If the answer is no, you're keeping it secret. If the answer is yes, it's private. To muddy the waters further, some partners choose to plead ignorance about their partner's response. As in, "I didn't think it would bother you." "I figured you'd be okay with it." When pressed, however, most of us, if we know our partners, know roughly where the line is drawn. And if we don't know, then it's time to ask clearly and, if appropriate, negotiate. Let's take porn again. Your partner sees it as betrayal. You see it as harmless fun. In a healthy relationship, you might discuss how it affects your relationship and reach a compromise.
What happens post-betrayal is that behaviour we thought was fine – lunch with a work colleague, for instance – becomes fraught. When I believed my husband would never cheat on me, it didn't bother me in the least that he sometimes had lunch with colleagues of the opposite sex. After D-Day? No way. My heartbreak, my rules. If he were to violate that, it's secrecy. He knows it's harmful to me and our relationship.
We opt for secrecy to avoid negative consequences. How many of us are told by our partners, when we ask for details, that it's for our good that he doesn't tell us. It would hurt us, we're told.
Yeah, it probably would. But the problem here isn't that the information would hurt us, it's that his behaviour has hurt us. The emphasis is being put on the wrong thing. Only when he has come clean about his behaviour – as much of it as we choose to know – can we start over with a clean slate and a clear understanding of what is and is not acceptable within our relationship. He doesn't get to claim "privacy" when what he's doing is protecting himself from the consequences of bad behaviour. That's not private. It's secret.
The rules, of course, can – and likely should – change with time. In the months following D-Day, my husband no longer went out for a beer or two after hockey. If he wasn't at work, he was at home. My pain required it. Now? My needs are different. He is entitled to privacy. I don't need to know every conversation. I don't check his phone (though I reserve the right to do so, if I feel something's not right). I trust him. Not 100% but enough.
Who wants to live in a police state? Over the long term, that feeds your anxiety, rather than assuaging it.
It's a tired theme but communication is your best tool to address the pain of betrayal and to heal from it. Communication will help you work through what's private versus what's secret. Talk about what you need in the wake of D-Day and continue to talk as those needs evolve. Secrets are toxic no matter who's holding them.

What's the deal with counsellors who say that unfaithful partners are entitled to "privacy"? To have a bowel movement, yes. To use the phone/computer/etc they used to cheat? No way. I'm not advocating for a police state but I do think there needs to be transparency.