Monday, October 2, 2017

Fearing Fear

I've been preoccupied lately. My eldest daughter, who's dealing with a relatively recent diagnosis of bipolar spectrum disorder has begun experiencing psychosis. She spent a few days last week in a psychiatric hospital. A day after her release, she called me, whispering that people were watching her.
I handled her hospitalization just fine, thank you very much. I swung into action, organizing my other kids, rescheduling appointments and interviews, all so I could race to the city a few hours away where my daughter is at school.
I met with doctors and psychotherapists and social workers.
After two days, I came home to rest and my husband took over, driving to the city and meeting with doctors, etc.
He returned her to her apartment when she was released. She was eager to get back to school and to her life. And then, just one day later, came the call and a clear indication that the psychosis was back.
Back upstairs to re-pack the bag I had barely unpacked. Back onto the highway.
And this time felt different. I was able to put on a calm face for my daughter but I felt terrified. Terrified that I was going to lose her to her conviction that she was a "burden". Terrified that this disease will transform her, that the potent medication will steal this beautiful, smart, talented, open-hearted girl from the world.
I reached out to friends – desperate for someone to listen to me. I felt an ocean of tears just behind my eyes that seemed blocked. I, a confirmed non-hugger, needed a hug.
And I noticed something.
Fear terrifies people. 
Though all of my friends mean well – and I'm blessed to have really good people in my life – only some can hold our pain. And the ones who can hold our pain have learned to do so because they've learned to hold their own. While all of my friends offered up reassurances, only a couple could just listen without trying to convince me that she'll be fine. And those friends felt like a port in my storm.

A woman posted a comment on this site yesterday. It's rare that I censor anyone but the snake-oil salespeople who insist their potion will transform our errant spouses into repentant Romeos. Even if what someone has written is inflammatory, I hit "publish" because I trust you soul-warriors to rally to each other's defence and because I don't think it's necessarily a bad thing to work through our responses to those who insist we're doormats or pathetic for staying. What's more, occasionally we're offered an insight into the thinking of an Other Woman.
But this woman had nothing to offer other than two sentences of ridicule so I didn't click "publish" because I knew that my immediate response would be to tell her to go fuck herself. I'm in no mood to listen to her boring old clichéd bullshit.
But then, driving home today from helping my daughter through this latest episode and meeting with her doctor yet again, I was mulling over my friends' response to my fear and how it was those who've been in dark places themselves who were best able to be with me in mine. I was thinking about the matter-of-fact empathy of the doctors. And I was listening to a podcast with one of my favorite poets/memoirists Mary Karr who was talking about how she's learned to be kind to herself because, she said, it's impossible to be compassionate with others if we haven't yet learned to be compassionate with ourselves, and it's impossible to be gentle with ourselves, to accept our foibles and our "peccadilloes" (her word, which I love)  without accepting our own.
And it hit me that this low-blow commenter is terrified – of facing her own grief, of facing her own fear of failure, of accepting her own peccadilloes. I don't know her whole story. But I know that nobody would spew such cruelty without deep self-loathing and a deep fear of facing it.

It takes courage to face our fear.
That's what we're doing here every day. Sometimes we move inches, sometimes miles. Sometimes we can't see that we're moving at all. But make no mistake: Showing up, day after day, and working through our fear is brave.
Showing up for others in their dark places is brave.
Because we can only show up and hold another's pain when we're able to hold our own.

41 comments:

  1. Elle your bravery is inspiring. For the past 3 years you have been that friend who listens. I have only told my story here and no one else in my life knows. I haven't posted in a while as I've struggled to find the words to express myself and every time I write something I delete it because I doubt myself so much since all of this has happened. I was so moved by what you wrote and I wanted you to know how you have helped me to get up each day and try to be ok, to help me focus on just taking the next step that's right for me. I just wanted to let you know that you and your family are in my thoughts and that you are definitely brave enough to help your daughter with the challenges she is facing.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Alone,
      Please please know you're not alone. Not at all. As you know, there are a whole lotta of us here.
      And I hope you'll someday be able to share your story with us. I suspect it will sound an awful lot like so many stories on this site.
      Thank-you for your kind words and for coming out of the shadows to express your concern re. my pain. It matters enormously that we do this for each other.

      Delete
  2. Elle, sending love to you and your family as you face this together. I wish there was some crystal ball we could look into to know everything would be ok. People are uncomfortable with fear. I think you are right, only those who have faced it can provide the kind of empathy you need right now. You have supporters all over the world, with you all hours of the day. I know its not in person and hugs don't really translate as well, but we are here. ((((Elle)))). <3 TigerLily

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank-you. I think those of us who've walked through pain -- whatever that pain has looked like -- understand.

      Delete
  3. Elle, thinking of you and your family.. wish I could do or say more but know that you are in my thoughts and prayers.. love you Elle xxx

    ReplyDelete
  4. Yes!! This is it!

    First, I'm sending you sweet thoughts as you navigate this with your daughter. I hope she does well, and also that you take care of yourself through it.


    It hit me as I read this post. How many of my friends disappeared after I exposed what my husband did. I told and told; my aim was to shame the whore, who is PTO president at the local school and very visible in town. In turn, I shamed my husband, of course. And I am choosing to stay, at least for now.
    So this disclosure horrified our friends. I think it was too much. They were afraid. Like it's catching somehow? Or just that someone close to them was capable of such madness. He fucked the next door neighbor? His friend's wife? And betrayed his wife? Our friend? They couldn't handle it.

    I'm reminded too, of when we had to hospitalize our son for a week In 2013 after an angry episode at school. He is on the autism spectrum and has other issues. We told NO ONE. I was devastated. He did fine while he was there, but I was a shell of myself. We carried that burden alone. We were terrified. And scared to share it.
    No one would understand.
    Finally, when I was pregnant with my daughter in 2007, I found at at 20 weeks that she'd be born with a cleft lip. I spent the second half of my pregnancy plunged into a deep depression. My husband and I and our family and a handful of friends knew. But no one knew my pain. That darkness was mine alone. She was born and had no other problems, thankfully. But the fear...

    So I think about al I've been through, and how much of it I took on alone. I saw a therapist after the affair, and she was stunned, angry even, that I received little to no help through the pregnancy and through our son's struggle. Our marriage was ripe for disconnection. And he responded in kind.

    Me? I just carried the weight of it all. I still do. But I'm better at taking care of myself now, and reaching out for help. And only my very good friends are ones who share it with me. The others? Fuck em.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Tryme,
      Other people's pain makes some people enormously uncomfortable. I've often heard people who get horrible medical news talk about this -- the people who no longer come around because "they don't know what to say". And yes, I also think you're right in that it brings things just a little too close for comfort. If HE could do that, then, well, what is MY husband capable of?
      You are a warrior Tryme, with all you've gone through. And I'm sorry you haven't had the support you needed and deserved. But I'm glad you're learning how to take care of you and to find others who can support you, who are brave enough to walk through the pain with you.

      Delete
  5. LLP here and that was a great article in your last post Steam. Read every word. The "why" procedures fear. His choice that I wasn't not enough produces fear. Part of fear is normal. It pushes me beyond my normal behavior. I can't measure myself by the old values I held so it is fearful to change my measurements. To what? Is is reasonable? It is like filling an empty space. That is the hardest thing about infidelity that produces my fears. I can't measure myself by the old priorities. So I feel very uncertain most of the time and I have to fight my fears everyday. Then am I getting it wrong? His "why's" of - "It was just sex. I hated/loved you and wanted revenge. I hated myself. I felt old. I felt not appreciated. I was selfish. You knew what I was like when you married me. You don't understand how much I just wanted to kill myself, I was that low. I was in power of her. She listened to me. She followed my advice. I was a coward. I was a white knight. I felt sorry for her. She was fun and bubbly. She was like crack. I was addicted." He all over the place. I don't fear any of this stuff. As I write this my fears really revolve around HIS fears, not mine. I don't fear any of this stuff. Try it. Write down all his fears then you will see how they are not your fears. Crazy. I love to think out loud on this site.

    ReplyDelete
  6. I think my phone glitched and my comment got lost so sorry...

    My heart goes out to you, your daughter and your entire family. I wish I could be there for you to give you a hug and just to listen. I have not dealt with this directly but I hear a lot with my husband being in the mental health field. And I guess just like betrayal I try to show empathy even when it is something I have not dealt with myself. Now more than ever I feel that way since unless you have walked in someone's shoes it is hard to really know what they are going through or feeling. I try to listen more and speak less both personally and also with all of these national/global tragedies. Your daughter is lucky to have you and your husband. Has going through betrayal with your husband helped you when facing this even if you are not ready but dealing with it together? I feel like when we face challenges we both acknowledge how thankful we are this came out and have dealt with it together. I think some of it is seeing how we have become such a strong team by going through all of this pain. And also a little bit of if we made it through that we can make it through anything.

    And speaking of fear you are so right. It is easy to put up walls. I often wonder did I put up walls for all those years to avoid the fear and pain. Who knows? I tried to have direct conversations with my husband. I cannot go back in time and really my only option was to leave him or do what I did. I can see though why people avoid uncomfortable topics. The fear is so big. It is easier to think it will never happen to me etc.

    I am thinking of you, your daughter and your family!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank-you Hopeful 30. It's a challenge but thanks to an incredible mental health hospital, I think we'll get through this.

      Delete
  7. Elle, I am so sorry your daughter is suffering at this time and grateful that you and your husband are able to provide the united front and support she desperately needs at this crucial time in her physical, developmental and emotional life stage. I've walked this path with other friends over the years and found that listening to their pain and offering a hug and hand does wonders. Please know that you have many cushions here for the soft landing you so deserve. Your strength and courage has helped all of us so much and your willingness to share your personal trials show such courage. The stigma of mental illness is alive and well and only those living through this understand the pain of watching a loved one struggle with a faulty brain and skewed thought process. Warm hugs to you as you travel this winding road with your daughter and family.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks BG. I think what you were able to do for your friends is the best that any of us can do -- to simply tell them that you will be with them in their pain.
      yes, the stigma is alive and well. It's so misunderstood. Frankly, I'm not sure I understood it (despite my mother's challenges when I was a teen) until I saw my daughter try so hard to fight it. If you see it up close, you realize it has nothing to do with weakness and everything to do with strength.

      Delete
  8. Hi Elle-- I am so so sorry for what you and your daughter and family are going through. I can't imagine the fear. All I can imagine is the motherly love you have for her and concern that she can manage this disease.

    To your comment about the nasty comment someone left. In fact I do not believe she is fearful. She sounds more like a bully. Interestingly I read an article that it used to be believed that bullies are very insecure scared people. New studies have found they are not scared insecure people. They have an abundance of self esteem and security about their beliefs. Often they are NPD even. Do not give her the benefit of the doubt. I think your first reaction "eff you" was right on.

    Hang in there Elle and as we know, one day at a time. Hugs to you and your daughter.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. H'mmm.
      I re-read her comment this morning (I haven't yet deleted it from the "pending" file) and I'm struck by the fact that she posted. Why? Why does she need us to hear her opinion? Maybe it's an excess of hubris. But there's a reason she's rooting around the Internet for sites about cheating spouses... I suspect she wonders if she's married to one. Or is dating one.

      Delete
    2. Maybe just a curious, bitter OW. I used to read OW sites and learned a lot about them. I didn't dare comment, but ohhhhh how I wanted to, if you know what I mean :)

      Also there's a pretty fanatical contingency of "Dump a Cheater and Once a Cheater Always a Cheater" that really seem to need validation and to pass on their pearls of wisdom to we ill advised reconcilers.

      Who knows? Maybe part jealousy and part trying to convince themselves they made the right decision. Which I find odd because I have never felt any need for validation with regards to my decision to reconcile. I don't get that feeling so much from some others.

      Anyway, I think we all have bigger fish to fry right ? I'm glad you didn't publish it. It just makes us mad and don't we all have enough to be mad about this week?

      Delete
  9. Elle
    I'm so sorry you're having to live through this and as someone who has struggled with depression on and off all my life I can tell you that her struggle is real and she's very blessed to have parents that can love her through her difficult times. I was lucky having my grandmother and she was just always the one that loved me through my toughest times because she knew most of my depression was caused by her daughter and she had to live through my mothers worse times. I'm sending you hugs and prayers for her therapist to guide her through this difficult time.
    Re the post that bothers you, in the early months of my posting on this site I often wondered if the ow in our situation was lurking in the shadows and hiding as one of us. In a way my h betrayed her when he broke her heart by choosing to stay married to me. This ow had convinced herself that my h was denied the love of his life, her, because choosing to stay married was the easy path in life. Just proved what a lousy therapist she is. I couldn't care less if she's stalking me here, hell she stalked me for over two years on social media and driving by my house. She is the one that made me take back my name after reducing me to 't'. So if you think something is fishy about her post, it's probably because of how it smells! Hugs

    ReplyDelete
  10. Elle - sending many thoughts, prayers and hugs to you and your daughter and family during this time. I cannot imagine what you are feeling and going through. Sending you virtual hugs today and always....(HUGS)

    ReplyDelete
  11. Elle,
    I’m sending you a hug and will be thinking of you and your family. You have so often been the comforting voice I needed over the past two and a half years. I’m so grateful to hear that you have a good friends who are there to support you. You know you have a whole army of us here.
    Fear makes people uncomfortable. I’m remembering situation at work shortly after my daughter was born where a coworker was pregnant with twins and lost one during the pregnancy. We talked regularly about pregnancy and babies but when that happened I began to back off. Her pain was uncomfortable for me. I was terrified I would say the wrong thing. Fortunately, another friend pulled me aside and pointed out what I was doing. I made the effort to go back to talking with her again. It meant acknowledging the loss of one baby but also anticipating the baby she was still carrying. I’m grateful to the friend who pointed out what I was doing. It was a step toward learning to confront situations where you feel uncomfortable.
    It’s taken the awful experience of infidelity to remind me that I can be there for a friend even if I’ve never experienced what they’re going through. I may not have the right words and I may not be able to “fix it” but I can just be there for them.

    ReplyDelete
  12. Elle,
    I'm so sorry you're going through this difficult time. Your words about pain have helped me so much with my own. Your daughter is so lucky to have you in her corner. I hope you can feel that all of us on this site would all come sit with you now if we could just sit thrre physically. I will be sitting with you in my heart at least until this storm has passed. Thank you for being so compassionate even to the woman with the hate-filled comment. Your light shows the rest of us the way.

    ReplyDelete
  13. Thinking of you and your family, Elle.

    You're right that fear can scare people off. But eventually there is nowhere to run too. The darkness and emptiness are just as much inside us (every human being) as outside.

    I feel hopeful and inspired when I see people facing such things and striving towards the light- not pretending that by turning their back it will all just go away.

    It sounds to me like your daughter is one of these brave people.

    ReplyDelete
  14. Gosh Elle, I'm sorry.

    One of my teen sons received some disappointing diagnoses this year. All related to communication/vision. A series of little heartbreaks. It has been a challenge to share the diagnoses and be told oh don't worry, he's such a bright boy, he'll overcome, he'll thrive in a different way, etc. I'm never sure how to respond. I feel like people think I'm a bad mother if I'm not his loudest cheerleader. But I know his dreams and I know they are now out of reach and I'm sad for him. We need more time to adjust to his new reality.

    Here is my parents' reaction, the only one that made me feel heard: "Ugh its going to be tough. We're so sorry. Let him know we love him." So that is what I'll say to you. You've helped us all immeasurably. I hope this site brings you the same comfort. xo

    ReplyDelete
  15. Elle
    We are currently going through this again with our daughter but, she hasn't been hospitalized this time. Last time she was there for 6 days. There are no real words that express the feelings and fear that I have when we experience this journey in our lives. This time around I feel more fear not knowing what is really wrong with her. She borders on bipolar but, the Dr didn't want to diagnose it at that because there is no manic actions and because of her age. The first time she went throug this was for depression and suicidal thoughts. I remember feeling so pissed off at my husband thinking this was all his fault that I berated him all the way home while he sat in silence driving with tears rolling down his face. We were only four months out from Dday two years ago and I didn't actually know the whole story then like I do now. I know that things for her will be better, as they will for your daughter, it will just take some time. We are still trying to get her medication right. The severe side effects are keeping her out of school as are other issues she's dealing with at this time. She just wants to feel better and normal again and get back to being the happy go lucky girl she was before all of this mess came into our lives. And not all of it was my husband fault she had dealt with bulling at her old school.

    And like Theresa, the OW plays victim so well. I had the pleasure of telling our narcissistic piece of garbage what I think of her and her friends. And by making her so mad she told me everything they did in black and white. I think you should post this woman's comment. I doubt she will take us seriously with our replies. Usually these type of women feel such entitlement that they can't see past there own bullshit.

    I hope both of our daughter's feel better soon and can learn coping skills to lead normal lives. We as parents learn so much from what they go through and how not to feel entitlement but compassion for others. My daughter is my hero with everything that she has been able to overcome.
    Cathy

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Sorry Theresa, I meant like Theresa said. I just noticed I left off that word. I don't want anyone to think that I was attacking her.
      Cathy

      Delete
  16. Elle the bravest, the great and almighty fear can be paralyzing, lonely and exhausting we all know this or at least it sure makes you feel that way until u can see the light again.. Your daughter is experiencing this and for the struggle I am sorry and praying for you. The only think worse as a mama then struggling yourself is watching your child struggle and not be able to fix it fast enough. Just show up Elle, be there to hold her hand. My parent struggles with similar issues and some days it's on and others totally off were it's hard and I need to remind myself of patience. Be kind to you and hold hope and determination in your heart .. hope and determination will kick fear in the ass! I'm wooting for you. Your a great mom and I'm praying for your daughters strength until she can manage this and prevail. Be kind stay walking and writing and again on days it's overwhelming just show up like you told me.

    ReplyDelete
  17. Elle, I can't say anything other than "ditto" to all the words and sentiments above. And that if I lived near you, I'd bring homemade soup and cookies. Food doesn't fix anything either, but it would be one meal you didn't have to worry about for one day.
    We're circling the wagons and are going to hunker down for a bit with you.
    There have been many times over the last year plus since I discovered BWC that I looked at it as my lifeline. I could think "I still have people. These are my people." They would understand my pain and fear and reach out to support me. I'm so grateful for it and the loving, accepting environment you've created. Thank you.

    ReplyDelete
  18. Elle, I'm sorry you are seeing your daughter deal with a chronic illness. It is terrifying to see your child with an illness. She does sound resilient (wonder why mom?) which is great. She has not given up hope that she will get better. I know how close you are to your daughter from previous posts. I would be terrified too. But you got this one. You are her soft place to fall which makes you a very firm mattress. You know the kind that can hold a ton and not make a dent. Regardless the future - you are her soft place and always will be. You better than anyone know - there is no normal. Measure her differently in your mind not as psychotic or calm but did she have a good or bad day? Did she complete that paper? Did she call her friends today? Did she get out of the hospital and want to resume her life? Maybe she just said, mom I had a paranoid shitty day. Did the medication even her out today so she can function or did she sleep all day? She will find her normal as with any chronic illness. You will be there that "old soft place" until she does. I really love you so much. I wish there was something I could do for you.

    ReplyDelete
  19. Dear Elle

    May grace carry a blessing from my heart to yours. I am holding you and your daughter in my heart.

    You are the person who I think taught me the most about learning to hold my own pain by creating such a beautiful space for all of us. I am so grateful for both what I have learned from you and this space to share with an open heart. In learning to hold my pain I also learned about holding my fear, to breath through the moments when fear was running wild, but not be drug along for the ride.

    During this hard scary time, remember all the loving advice you give us - be kind and gentle with yourself, turn toward the nourishing people in your life, know it is not your fault, feel and breathe. You are not alone all your warrior sisters are with you.

    Much love and hugs
    Becky

    ReplyDelete
  20. Elle,

    I echo what the others have said. I'm so glad you and your husband are there for your daughter. Sending you good thoughts, hugs, and hope you take care of yourself as you so gently remind us to. And Becky is right, you'll never be alone since you have all of us.

    ReplyDelete
  21. Many prayers for you and your daughter.
    Fear can be crippling.. I've learned all to well lately. I always thought of myself as tough and fearless. But the last 4 months I've learned diffently.
    I learned yesterday that the whore my H was texting is getting a divorce. My anxiety level has been through the roof, when I text my H and he doesn't text back right away I'm fearful of is he talking to someone else or if he's being quiet I wonder is he being quiet because he's contemplating on leaving me my mind just goes a million miles an hour and I don't know what to do about it I find myself crying a lot the last few days again.
    I asked my husband last night if he was happy and he said yes he was he tells me he loves me but I don't know if I believe him anymore. He acts like he loves me but he acted that way before he was texting her too. I just don't know what to think anymore I think I'm literally going f****** crazy

    ReplyDelete
  22. I don't know what parts of the world we all are from but on Monday night after the tragic, and that's an understatement, massacre in Las Vegas, Jimmy Kimmel ran a clip from Mr Rogers Neighborhood. In it he tells a story that as a kid, if there was a tragedy in life or on the news, his mother would tell him to "look for the helpers". After reading about and seeing video of these Vegas HEROS who should have been completely unnecessary. This never should have happened, but it did and there they were. One lone gunman, HUNDREDS of helpers. My mind for whatever reason (go figure) jumped to this space you have created Elle. Where every time one guy shatters our hearts, there is an army here to hold each other up. Now i read this about your daughter. What I would not have given to have you, when I was a kid, in my corner as you are for your daughter now. LLP's words for you brought me to tears. The soft place to fall has always been a favorite metaphor of mine. And LLPs words, that you're the type that can hold a ton and not make a dent just got me. Elle I hope you have helpers like you AROUND YOU. People like the people who have found each other here.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Steam, I live in East Yorkshire, England and the mindless suffering inflicted on people in Las Vegas hits us in the same way as if it was in one of our cities. I agree with your words regarding "helpers". One thing this site has taught me is how important is the unconditional support we offer others. Love to you all.xxx

      Delete
  23. My son has had two psychotic breaks, the first with a suicide attempt and with the second, his friends got him to the hospital before he could hurt himself. But they gave me his suicide note. Thankfully I shoved it in a pocket and it got washed. He was in a psych ward both times. I had to make the decision both times to have him Baker acted. He is now married and living across the country, happy and healthy. There is always a fear when I see a call from him or no call from him. As much as the affair changed me, these incidents were far more traumatic. I am never without my phone. I obsessively check every notification and if I am at work and get a call from a number I don't recognize, I frantically Google it.

    There is nothing that ever prepares a parent to deal with our child's mental health issues. You are in my thoughts and prayers. Keep reaching out to your friends for those much needed hugs.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Beagle Mom and all others who are struggling with problems with their children. I have always said if the worst thing that ever happens to me is my husbands infidelity, then I am a fortunate person and have had a great life. There can be NOTHING worse than struggling with what you and Elle and others have struggled with. My heart goes out to all of you. It's you mothers who struggle with this that are MY heroes because nothing else matters in comparison. I hate that you have to experience this pain. Hugs to all of you

      Delete
    2. You are so sweet. Thank you for your kind words. But don't discount your pain and trauma from your husband's cheating ways. Hugs to you too!

      Delete
  24. Big Hugs to you Elle, I feel your pain. Its so hard to watch your child suffer, I also deal with the fear of my sons future. Mental illness is not an easy subject to talk about. Take care of yourself as you know it's so important.

    ReplyDelete
  25. Elle, I'm sending you a virtual hug. Your daughter is a strong young lady and I have no doubt it is because you raised her. And your comment on fear: "nobody would spew such cruelty without deep self-loathing and a deep fear of facing it." Yep. I also suspect that same lacking of self is what lead many of our CS's & the OW's open to betrayal. We BW look at what they did and say 'I could never...' and we couldn't because we had self-love & respect.

    ReplyDelete
  26. Elle, you have dealt dealt with so much, and you have used your experiences to help so many people. It breaks my heart that you now have this valley to walk, as well. You have such strength and wisdom. But this, this is a terrifying thing. Your daughter sounds like such a beautiful soul. I pray that she will find her way back to health and stability, and that you will have the help and support you need as you hold her hand.

    ReplyDelete
  27. Hi Elle,
    My post got swallowed before the weekend so I just wanted to come back to wish you and your daughter and the whole family well. As you know we’ve had struggles with our son’s mental health and my friend’s daughter is going through very similar difficulties to your daughter. What is difficult about all our struggles with our children, with infidelity, with life in general is the uncertainty. You want to feel that you do something for your daughter and that she’ll be okay, you think she is on an even keel but then you get the phone call to say that she isn’t doing well. You rally again, thinking of how to help her but you’d love some security for her. My son has come out of his severe anxiety and depression and gone back to school, he seems to be stronger, this period of stability has been a reprieve for us – there are others in the Out-of-Schoolers group who still live with uncertainty and are trying to do their best to find options for their teens. With regard to infidelity, following a recent incident when my husband fell short, I had a bit of a line in the sand conversation. I encouraged my husband to take tips from the anxiety (local and Steven Stosney) courses I am doing and help himself by showing compassion for the people around him, helping him out of his self-hatred and making him feel stronger and positive. It’s what we do here, trying to support each other, it’s what the betrayed do, trying to understand and see things from our spouses perspectives, trying to stay when it’s hard to do so, it’s what we do as parents or as carers for other family members. It’s what we need to do for ourselves, show deep compassion and understanding. My husband’s efforts since D-day 2 three years ago were inconsistent, he fell back into other smaller deceptions, the uncertainty caused by the affair did not go away. I will always still have to live with uncertainty, we all do in life but this living with care and compassion seems to have struck a chord for him (once I told him how it could heal him, make him feel good about himself) and whatever happens, there is a much more caring and considerate atmosphere here. With mental health issues too, it’s important that the person feels that they can still be competent with help, they are still valued and contributing and loved. I’ve no doubt Elle that you can send that message to your daughter. Love and best wishes x

    ReplyDelete
  28. Elle, so very sorry to hear this. My prayers will be with you.

    ReplyDelete

LinkWithin

Related Posts with Thumbnails