Good morning everybody! I have a question, an important one...hoping it's alright to ask on this post. So, I found out, just recently, all this mess. And now...my h has a birthday coming up, next week. I'm very confused as to how to treat this. This may sound stupid...but I'm completely broken at this point. So...what do I Do? Is it a normal day in the midst of this madness? What did you do?
His Birthday was a month after the 1st D-Day (10 months ago, which was a minor confession compared to the entire truth he has told me so far starting in March) and despite the mess he created, his Birthday was acknowledged for the children's sake.
Every celebration day i.e. Valentine's Day, Father's Day, Christmas etc. has felt very forced and fake but even if not for the children, I would most likely still have acknowledged them (perhaps not to the same extent), because not acknowledging them would mean my bitterness and rage wins and I would then continue to think about WHY we are not celebrating these days. I felt bigger, braver, better and more powerful than his actions. I hope this makes sense.
I have to own my decision to stay in this relationship (I do have a choice), move forward as best I know how today, and have compassion for this human being who has a great deal of remorse, shame and guilt (he attempted suicide from the same and guilt he feels from his actions). I need to be more powerful than the bitterness and still show compassion for someone whose actions completely flipped my world upside down and inside out and hurt me in the worst possible way - and I need to do this for ME.
You need to do what feels right and good for YOU - there is no play book All Love.
What I have done is do what I felt right. I did not do something just because I felt like my husband wanted it. Granted he is not into birthdays or holidays in general so I got off easy. But for example our anniversary was shortly after dday 2 and I just did not want to do anything for it. He insisted that we go out to dinner and I agreed to that. He gave me a card and flowers etc but I did nothing for him. Honestly so many things seem fake at different points throughout this process. One thing that has helped around holidays or milestone dates is to create a new tradition. So in the end I say it is up to you to figure out what you are okay with. For us I would bring it up to him and say I am trying to figure things out right now and I am not in the best place with you and us but could we go to a movie or go out for a long walk, go to breakfast. Really whatever if you want to suggest something different. Good luck and let us know how it goes.
All Love, I agree with what the others have said. Do what feels right. I found that if it was forced, it didn’t normally end well and I would have a meltdown. I also really like Hopeful’s suggestion of creating a new tradition. I’ve found that since D-Day doing different things with my husband has helped because there’s no past history to compare it to and for me, it doesn’t lead to that feeling of “you and I went here during the affair and I had no clue”. So much less “triggery”.
Spouse of a SA, I just wanted to say thanks for your words on compassion. I needed to hear them today. I sometimes get so caught up in my own pain and emotions that compassion is the last thing on my mind. They say hurt people hurt people and from time to time I see it in my own actions. ❤️
All Love, stay authentic to yourself. I told my H ahead of time, it is just not in me to give you a gift. I just couldn't do it. He bought the OW some really nice gifts to include genuine gold jewelry, flowers, wine etc... He bought me fake jewelry, none of the above. I just could not do it. When I explained why I could buy him anything then he was ready and understood MY why's. He was prepared. I didn't blind sight him like he did me. I ask him would he be hurt if I didn't buy him a Christmas gift on Year 1 and 2. He said he would be hurt and that still didn't change the conversation. If I was only buying him a small token gift, then I would tell him, "on your birthday it is not going to be anything big, because I just can't".
All love , I know how you feel.. our anniversary was just 12 days after d-day. We went away for the weekend but It was so awkward it was like we were two strangers. But I tried to make the best of it. For 20 years he has treated me like a queen and like there was no other woman in the world. Even while he was texting with this woman he never treated me any different so I never knew there was anything wrong. But when I found out they were texting so much and I confronted him he swears that it was just talk that nothing ever happened physically and that it was just friend talk wasn't even anything sexual or out of line. But I'll never know the real truth because he deleted all the messages after I asked him not to. Then his birthday was a month-and-a-half after D-Day I bought him a cake and a card ( mainly because I like birthday cake LOL ) But yes it's very hard to try to act normal when nothing is normal. I'm 6 months out from D-Day and I still have days where I Cry and when he's quiet I wonder why what's wrong who's he talk to. I know she won't text him anymore because I had her number blocked. Unless she uses someone else's phone Hugs ...
All Love, my H's birthday was 2 days after Dday. I could barely breath let alone celebrate his bday. His biggest bday present of his entire life was me making him move in the guest room and agreeing to go to MC with him nstead of throwing him out on the street and filing for divorce. Best I could do was make his bday all about the kids. I took the kids to buy him cards and a cake from them. I didn't get him anything. But he knew it was me that took the kids (they are too young to drive). For the next year's worth of holidays best I've been able to do is to buy the humorous cards. I can't bring myself to get him all mushy stuff that wasn't true at least during the A years. And I don't feel that way about him anymore, at least not yet. For Valentine's I bought him a whole bunch of stuff that says "I love my wife". T-shirt, mug, key ring, you name it. He found the humor in it and he uses it/wears it to show me he's serious about mending the mess he made.
All love you have to do what feels right for you, whether it’s a card, a present or just a happy birthday message it’s up to you and how you feel. Depending on how I’m feeling will depend on what I do. This year I just got him a birthday card from the kids as I just wasn’t feeling like I wanted to do anything for him. I’m sure your h isn’t expecting a big song and dance and well if he is he might be disappointed. No right or wrong answers all love just whatever you feel.. your call xxx
All Love My h birthday is also our anniversary and the first year we had just celebrated 10 days before dday. The second year I can barely remember the steak dinner I was still shell shocked, and the last two years he has planned for a golf weekend out of town with me and it's beginning to feel more natural but I must say it's never going to be the same as it was before. Hugs! I know how hard this road is to travel! You can only do what feels right to you!
All Love--My H's birthday was about a month after D-Day but because he was so absolutely remorseful (at the time--but that's a whole nother story and D-day) I wanted to get him something because he felt like shite. I got him a little sushi set, and one corner was broken on one of the plates so it was half off. It was beautiful and flawed and it felt like the right thing at the time. I would never have considered buying anything broken before that birthday, but this was fitting and i also didnt want to spend anymore than 15 bucks that year anyway. lol. I will tell you this, if he had not showed remorse and had continued to try to keep me in the dark, I would not have dropped a dime on him. it really is totally up to you. totally.
Another thing Elle, I think it's awesome that you posted that group because there are SO few, and I am SO lucky to also have one in my community that is not advertised. It's ALL word of mouth. I'm really fortunate to have it. If you can find one facilitated by a counselor it's truly a lifesaver.
All Love you have to do what feels right to you. I remember 6 months after d Day we had our anniversary and I was trying to buy him a card. I just stood there crying because every card I opened I couldn't relate to. I went home and wrote my own card expressing the good, bad and ugly emotions I had and gave that to him. I felt good about it because it was the truth and how I felt and what I wanted out of life.
Good morning everybody! I have a question, an important one...hoping it's alright to ask on this post. So, I found out, just recently, all this mess. And now...my h has a birthday coming up, next week. I'm very confused as to how to treat this. This may sound stupid...but I'm completely broken at this point. So...what do I Do? Is it a normal day in the midst of this madness? What did you do?
ReplyDeleteAll Love, I'm so sorry you're here - hugs xo
DeleteHis Birthday was a month after the 1st D-Day (10 months ago, which was a minor confession compared to the entire truth he has told me so far starting in March) and despite the mess he created, his Birthday was acknowledged for the children's sake.
Every celebration day i.e. Valentine's Day, Father's Day, Christmas etc. has felt very forced and fake but even if not for the children, I would most likely still have acknowledged them (perhaps not to the same extent), because not acknowledging them would mean my bitterness and rage wins and I would then continue to think about WHY we are not celebrating these days. I felt bigger, braver, better and more powerful than his actions. I hope this makes sense.
I have to own my decision to stay in this relationship (I do have a choice), move forward as best I know how today, and have compassion for this human being who has a great deal of remorse, shame and guilt (he attempted suicide from the same and guilt he feels from his actions). I need to be more powerful than the bitterness and still show compassion for someone whose actions completely flipped my world upside down and inside out and hurt me in the worst possible way - and I need to do this for ME.
You need to do what feels right and good for YOU - there is no play book All Love.
Love to you xo
What I have done is do what I felt right. I did not do something just because I felt like my husband wanted it. Granted he is not into birthdays or holidays in general so I got off easy. But for example our anniversary was shortly after dday 2 and I just did not want to do anything for it. He insisted that we go out to dinner and I agreed to that. He gave me a card and flowers etc but I did nothing for him. Honestly so many things seem fake at different points throughout this process. One thing that has helped around holidays or milestone dates is to create a new tradition. So in the end I say it is up to you to figure out what you are okay with. For us I would bring it up to him and say I am trying to figure things out right now and I am not in the best place with you and us but could we go to a movie or go out for a long walk, go to breakfast. Really whatever if you want to suggest something different. Good luck and let us know how it goes.
DeleteAll Love,
DeleteI agree with what the others have said. Do what feels right. I found that if it was forced, it didn’t normally end well and I would have a meltdown. I also really like Hopeful’s suggestion of creating a new tradition. I’ve found that since D-Day doing different things with my husband has helped because there’s no past history to compare it to and for me, it doesn’t lead to that feeling of “you and I went here during the affair and I had no clue”. So much less “triggery”.
Spouse of a SA,
I just wanted to say thanks for your words on compassion. I needed to hear them today. I sometimes get so caught up in my own pain and emotions that compassion is the last thing on my mind. They say hurt people hurt people and from time to time I see it in my own actions.
❤️
All Love, stay authentic to yourself. I told my H ahead of time, it is just not in me to give you a gift. I just couldn't do it. He bought the OW some really nice gifts to include genuine gold jewelry, flowers, wine etc... He bought me fake jewelry, none of the above. I just could not do it. When I explained why I could buy him anything then he was ready and understood MY why's. He was prepared. I didn't blind sight him like he did me. I ask him would he be hurt if I didn't buy him a Christmas gift on Year 1 and 2. He said he would be hurt and that still didn't change the conversation. If I was only buying him a small token gift, then I would tell him, "on your birthday it is not going to be anything big, because I just can't".
DeleteAll love ,
DeleteI know how you feel.. our anniversary was just 12 days after d-day. We went away for the weekend but It was so awkward it was like we were two strangers. But I tried to make the best of it. For 20 years he has treated me like a queen and like there was no other woman in the world. Even while he was texting with this woman he never treated me any different so I never knew there was anything wrong. But when I found out they were texting so much and I confronted him he swears that it was just talk that nothing ever happened physically and that it was just friend talk wasn't even anything sexual or out of line. But I'll never know the real truth because he deleted all the messages after I asked him not to.
Then his birthday was a month-and-a-half after D-Day I bought him a cake and a card ( mainly because I like birthday cake LOL )
But yes it's very hard to try to act normal when nothing is normal. I'm 6 months out from D-Day and I still have days where I Cry and when he's quiet I wonder why what's wrong who's he talk to. I know she won't text him anymore because I had her number blocked. Unless she uses someone else's phone
Hugs ...
All Love, my H's birthday was 2 days after Dday. I could barely breath let alone celebrate his bday. His biggest bday present of his entire life was me making him move in the guest room and agreeing to go to MC with him nstead of throwing him out on the street and filing for divorce. Best I could do was make his bday all about the kids. I took the kids to buy him cards and a cake from them. I didn't get him anything. But he knew it was me that took the kids (they are too young to drive). For the next year's worth of holidays best I've been able to do is to buy the humorous cards. I can't bring myself to get him all mushy stuff that wasn't true at least during the A years. And I don't feel that way about him anymore, at least not yet. For Valentine's I bought him a whole bunch of stuff that says "I love my wife". T-shirt, mug, key ring, you name it. He found the humor in it and he uses it/wears it to show me he's serious about mending the mess he made.
DeleteAll love you have to do what feels right for you, whether it’s a card, a present or just a happy birthday message it’s up to you and how you feel. Depending on how I’m feeling will depend on what I do. This year I just got him a birthday card from the kids as I just wasn’t feeling like I wanted to do anything for him. I’m sure your h isn’t expecting a big song and dance and well if he is he might be disappointed. No right or wrong answers all love just whatever you feel.. your call xxx
ReplyDeleteAll Love
ReplyDeleteMy h birthday is also our anniversary and the first year we had just celebrated 10 days before dday. The second year I can barely remember the steak dinner I was still shell shocked, and the last two years he has planned for a golf weekend out of town with me and it's beginning to feel more natural but I must say it's never going to be the same as it was before. Hugs! I know how hard this road is to travel! You can only do what feels right to you!
All Love--My H's birthday was about a month after D-Day but because he was so absolutely remorseful (at the time--but that's a whole nother story and D-day) I wanted to get him something because he felt like shite. I got him a little sushi set, and one corner was broken on one of the plates so it was half off. It was beautiful and flawed and it felt like the right thing at the time. I would never have considered buying anything broken before that birthday, but this was fitting and i also didnt want to spend anymore than 15 bucks that year anyway. lol.
ReplyDeleteI will tell you this, if he had not showed remorse and had continued to try to keep me in the dark, I would not have dropped a dime on him. it really is totally up to you. totally.
Another thing Elle, I think it's awesome that you posted that group because there are SO few, and I am SO lucky to also have one in my community that is not advertised. It's ALL word of mouth. I'm really fortunate to have it. If you can find one facilitated by a counselor it's truly a lifesaver.
ReplyDeleteAll Love you have to do what feels right to you. I remember 6 months after d Day we had our anniversary and I was trying to buy him a card. I just stood there crying because every card I opened I couldn't relate to. I went home and wrote my own card expressing the good, bad and ugly emotions I had and gave that to him. I felt good about it because it was the truth and how I felt and what I wanted out of life.
ReplyDelete