Behind my smile is a hurting heart Behind my laugh I'm falling apart Look closely at me and you'll see The girl I am Isn't me Someday I'll be ME again. Someday , but now I still have along ways to go.
I love this quote. Thank you Elle for all your hard work. Your words (and those of everyone who contribute to this site keep me going). I happened across Stoicism very recently and today marks the start of Stoic week. You can enrol on the course for free here http://modernstoicism.com. I don’t know too much about it, but it’s about accepting where we are now, treating life, with all it’s ups and downs as a journey. I’m hoping it might help me get through the rough spots. Sending love to all my warrior sisters on this Monday morning.xxx
When will that be do you think??? 2 years on and I'm still doubting myself.... not because of my husbands behaviour, as this has truely changed, but because I still feel I'm being judged for staying by some people and that sets me off in a spiral of worry, anxiety and panic........
I have not dealt with this since no one knows that this happened. But in my mind I tell myself that most people might not even know what is really going on with those in their lives. And I do think many of those judgmental people are reacting this way since it makes them feel uncomfortable. If it happened to you maybe it could happen to them. For myself internally I tell myself this could have happened with over half the people I could have ended up with based on the statistics. And if I left my husband statistically there is a chance it could happen again too. Bascially no guaranteers. I mean we talked about this extensively while dating and pre marraige. And I asked my husband very direct questions through the years since I was not naiive that things could happen. Each time he lied to my face. I do think he is lucky I lasted as long as I did and that based on what he did that I gave him a second chance. This is such a hard process. We are at 2 1/2 years and there are times I question this all. The good thing is we talk about what is bothering us now and we are vigilant.
Womanlost - I think you have to throw judgement and opinions out. For the most part did you ever think for a second you would stay and work it out, given this scenario? You can’t for the most part imagine what your reaction to infidelity would be or know the extreme pain it causes without going through it yourself. It’s completely unimaginable!. I had a neighbor that this happened to probably two years prior to my Dday and my reaction was, “well that sucks”. She’s got two kids and he up and took off with the flavor of the month. I didn’t know her well enough to ask about it and her kids were much younger than mine so I wasn’t in her circle of friends. Knowing my extreme pain over the last 2 years I would have been over there in a second with a hug, bottle of wine, and an offer to babysit. I had no idea what she could have been going through, as it hadn’t happened to me. People may think we are weak for working on things and staying, but what I now understand is that there is no sure thing in life. Some very good people hit infidelity in multiple marriages to probably no fault of their own. Everyone is broken in life to some degree and you need to come together as a couple to jointly help each other. If your spouse wants to be committed and work on things you are not weak for giving a second chance. It you stay or leave there is heartbreak and the eventual need to forgive and let go of it or it will kill you. Your decision is your decision and for no other to judge. I wouldn’t wish this pain on anyone even for a second. I’ve replayed the 30 second reel of me uncovering an email that resulted in my Dday. In 30 seconds I fell to my knees and the ripping and crush in my heart is indescribable- I’m sure your story is the same. They have no clue and lucky for them. Alternatively they could think of you as a very strong person in committing to your marriage as you stated with your vows and be empathetic and ask “hey womanlost, how are you today?”
Stay strong and be proud of where you’re at! You’ve come a long way. I can only imagine! ��
Womanlost - I wonder the same thing - when??? I am 19 months from dday, but husband still works with former other woman and I, too, often feel judged for staying, or not insisting more things change, etc. And yet the thing is, there are very few in our inner circle that even know what has been going on. Sometimes I think I a judging myself instead of accepting my choices and living with them...knowing I can change my mind.
I find lately I am just about as angry as I am sad about what has happened. Angry at my husband for his choices, angry at myself that I didn't do better either (not that I caused it, but that I didn't speak up - really speak up - sooner), and just plain sad that after being with this man more than half my life, honestly admitting that most of that time wasn't as good as I thought it was. I mean, I knew it wasn't good - I'm just....sad.
A lot of us deal with that horrible sense of judgement. But I'm reminded what my therapist used to say to me (over and over): It's not what others say to us that's the problem, it's what we say to ourselves. For instance, if someone criticized you for your purple hair, you would think they were crazy (unless you did, in fact, have purple hair). You would think they clearly they didn't know you and your hair color and besides, it's your bloody hair. But if you then said to yourself, "you know, there is something wrong with my hair. It's ugly. It's the wrong colour..." that's where the pain and self-loathing comes in. So...what others are saying (or are not saying) isn't the problem. It's that YOU, on some level, think staying is wrong. A lot of us have absorbed the cultural message that "strong" women leave and "doormats" stay. But, now that we're in the situation, we know that's simply not true. We need to remind ourselves, over and over, that we made a choice. Not a perfect one (I'm not sure there IS a perfect one post-betrayal). We are strong and we are brave. But...are there also lessons within this. You mention that you're angry you didn't speak up or stand up for yourself earlier. Well, can't rewrite history. But you can take steps to create change within your marriage right now. What else do you need to speak up about? In what other ways do you feel disrespected or devalued? So much of our healing depends on the changes we make in ourselves -- the recognition of our strength, the kindness we begin to show ourselves, the respect we insist upon from those around us. What others outside of us think? Who cares. On your death bed, are you going to wish you'd satisfied the critics around you? Or are you going to wish you'd lived your life according to your principles and values, even if that meant swimming upstream? I suspect the latter. You'll never please everyone anyway. It's a fool's game.
Elle - as always, your support is on point. Thanks for being there for me...for all of us. I think it is so hard for me to let go of what happened in the past. Just when I think I have accepted it (much like the guest post today) - just when I think I have accepted it, it just hits me hard. I made some bad choices in the past trying to get to the truth - some my husband knows about, some he does not. But because of that, I have tortured myself and tortured myself with things I never should have known. And sometimes those things come back to haunt me. It can be as simple as I know he complimented the OW on how he liked her hair - minor, but still - I know he did it. Just today I mentioned needing to do my hair and it lead to a discussion of what is different if I curl it or not? I say to him I don't even know how you like my hair and his reply, much what it has always been to me - "I like it however you like it." I say that is an easy way out answer and leave it at that...but it just hurts to the core knowing he complimented her at one point. And then I get so mad at myself - that was almost 2 years ago, before it all came out, and so much has happened since then. But it is those things that torture me still. And I just want it to stop. And I am sad...and angry...when I remember that it will ALWAYS be a part of me. I have the power to choose how it effects me, but it will always be there.
I've actually always felt strong in myself and sure that I was doing my best. This didn't stop me being terribly hurt and upset by my h's selfish actions.
I do feel scared about people judging me because he left me, but I think that's more about pride than a lack of self-belief. Who knows...
Selkie, I hear you. I felt/feel that sometimes. Like people laugh up their sleeve at the "woman scorned" and create confabulations that we must have been nagging, frigid bitches that forced our men to stray or leave. This narrative makes people feel safe, because if our husbands' cheating and leaving is about how awful We were then it can never happen to THEM. Its a lie but people who have not been here just don't get it, I don't think. And there's societal narrative about single moms, blah blah blah. Its all just so much sexist BS. But also pride, yes, that people will look down on me because my marriage failed, I somehow failed, where they didn't. Again, I think that's around some of my old judgement of self and others and thinking that would keep me safe from that happening. So screw those judgey people. We have bigger fish to fry.
It's a date. Hope we get to everyone there someday. I'm on the correct path.
ReplyDeleteBehind my smile is a hurting heart
ReplyDeleteBehind my laugh I'm falling apart
Look closely at me and you'll see
The girl I am
Isn't me
Someday I'll be ME again. Someday , but now I still have along ways to go.
I love this quote. Thank you Elle for all your hard work. Your words (and those of everyone who contribute to this site keep me going). I happened across Stoicism very recently and today marks the start of Stoic week. You can enrol on the course for free here http://modernstoicism.com. I don’t know too much about it, but it’s about accepting where we are now, treating life, with all it’s ups and downs as a journey. I’m hoping it might help me get through the rough spots. Sending love to all my warrior sisters on this Monday morning.xxx
ReplyDeleteWhen will that be do you think??? 2 years on and I'm still doubting myself.... not because of my husbands behaviour, as this has truely changed, but because I still feel I'm being judged for staying by some people and that sets me off in a spiral of worry, anxiety and panic........
ReplyDeleteI have not dealt with this since no one knows that this happened. But in my mind I tell myself that most people might not even know what is really going on with those in their lives. And I do think many of those judgmental people are reacting this way since it makes them feel uncomfortable. If it happened to you maybe it could happen to them. For myself internally I tell myself this could have happened with over half the people I could have ended up with based on the statistics. And if I left my husband statistically there is a chance it could happen again too. Bascially no guaranteers. I mean we talked about this extensively while dating and pre marraige. And I asked my husband very direct questions through the years since I was not naiive that things could happen. Each time he lied to my face. I do think he is lucky I lasted as long as I did and that based on what he did that I gave him a second chance. This is such a hard process. We are at 2 1/2 years and there are times I question this all. The good thing is we talk about what is bothering us now and we are vigilant.
DeleteWomanlost - I think you have to throw judgement and opinions out. For the most part did you ever think for a second you would stay and work it out, given this scenario? You can’t for the most part imagine what your reaction to infidelity would be or know the extreme pain it causes without going through it yourself. It’s completely unimaginable!. I had a neighbor that this happened to probably two years prior to my Dday and my reaction was, “well that sucks”. She’s got two kids and he up and took off with the flavor of the month. I didn’t know her well enough to ask about it and her kids were much younger than mine so I wasn’t in her circle of friends. Knowing my extreme pain over the last 2 years I would have been over there in a second with a hug, bottle of wine, and an offer to babysit. I had no idea what she could have been going through, as it hadn’t happened to me. People may think we are weak for working on things and staying, but what I now understand is that there is no sure thing in life. Some very good people hit infidelity in multiple marriages to probably no fault of their own. Everyone is broken in life to some degree and you need to come together as a couple to jointly help each other. If your spouse wants to be committed and work on things you are not weak for giving a second chance. It you stay or leave there is heartbreak and the eventual need to forgive and let go of it or it will kill you. Your decision is your decision and for no other to judge. I wouldn’t wish this pain on anyone even for a second. I’ve replayed the 30 second reel of me uncovering an email that resulted in my Dday. In 30 seconds I fell to my knees and the ripping and crush in my heart is indescribable- I’m sure your story is the same. They have no clue and lucky for them. Alternatively they could think of you as a very strong person in committing to your marriage as you stated with your vows and be empathetic and ask “hey womanlost, how are you today?”
DeleteStay strong and be proud of where you’re at! You’ve come a long way. I can only imagine! ��
Womanlost - I wonder the same thing - when??? I am 19 months from dday, but husband still works with former other woman and I, too, often feel judged for staying, or not insisting more things change, etc. And yet the thing is, there are very few in our inner circle that even know what has been going on. Sometimes I think I a judging myself instead of accepting my choices and living with them...knowing I can change my mind.
DeleteI find lately I am just about as angry as I am sad about what has happened. Angry at my husband for his choices, angry at myself that I didn't do better either (not that I caused it, but that I didn't speak up - really speak up - sooner), and just plain sad that after being with this man more than half my life, honestly admitting that most of that time wasn't as good as I thought it was. I mean, I knew it wasn't good - I'm just....sad.
A lot of us deal with that horrible sense of judgement. But I'm reminded what my therapist used to say to me (over and over): It's not what others say to us that's the problem, it's what we say to ourselves. For instance, if someone criticized you for your purple hair, you would think they were crazy (unless you did, in fact, have purple hair). You would think they clearly they didn't know you and your hair color and besides, it's your bloody hair. But if you then said to yourself, "you know, there is something wrong with my hair. It's ugly. It's the wrong colour..." that's where the pain and self-loathing comes in.
DeleteSo...what others are saying (or are not saying) isn't the problem. It's that YOU, on some level, think staying is wrong. A lot of us have absorbed the cultural message that "strong" women leave and "doormats" stay. But, now that we're in the situation, we know that's simply not true.
We need to remind ourselves, over and over, that we made a choice. Not a perfect one (I'm not sure there IS a perfect one post-betrayal). We are strong and we are brave.
But...are there also lessons within this. You mention that you're angry you didn't speak up or stand up for yourself earlier. Well, can't rewrite history. But you can take steps to create change within your marriage right now. What else do you need to speak up about? In what other ways do you feel disrespected or devalued?
So much of our healing depends on the changes we make in ourselves -- the recognition of our strength, the kindness we begin to show ourselves, the respect we insist upon from those around us. What others outside of us think? Who cares. On your death bed, are you going to wish you'd satisfied the critics around you? Or are you going to wish you'd lived your life according to your principles and values, even if that meant swimming upstream? I suspect the latter. You'll never please everyone anyway. It's a fool's game.
Elle - as always, your support is on point. Thanks for being there for me...for all of us. I think it is so hard for me to let go of what happened in the past. Just when I think I have accepted it (much like the guest post today) - just when I think I have accepted it, it just hits me hard. I made some bad choices in the past trying to get to the truth - some my husband knows about, some he does not. But because of that, I have tortured myself and tortured myself with things I never should have known. And sometimes those things come back to haunt me. It can be as simple as I know he complimented the OW on how he liked her hair - minor, but still - I know he did it. Just today I mentioned needing to do my hair and it lead to a discussion of what is different if I curl it or not? I say to him I don't even know how you like my hair and his reply, much what it has always been to me - "I like it however you like it." I say that is an easy way out answer and leave it at that...but it just hurts to the core knowing he complimented her at one point. And then I get so mad at myself - that was almost 2 years ago, before it all came out, and so much has happened since then. But it is those things that torture me still. And I just want it to stop. And I am sad...and angry...when I remember that it will ALWAYS be a part of me. I have the power to choose how it effects me, but it will always be there.
DeleteSorry to be down. Thanks for listening!
I've actually always felt strong in myself and sure that I was doing my best. This didn't stop me being terribly hurt and upset by my h's selfish actions.
ReplyDeleteI do feel scared about people judging me because he left me, but I think that's more about pride than a lack of self-belief. Who knows...
Selkie, I hear you. I felt/feel that sometimes. Like people laugh up their sleeve at the "woman scorned" and create confabulations that we must have been nagging, frigid bitches that forced our men to stray or leave. This narrative makes people feel safe, because if our husbands' cheating and leaving is about how awful We were then it can never happen to THEM. Its a lie but people who have not been here just don't get it, I don't think. And there's societal narrative about single moms, blah blah blah. Its all just so much sexist BS.
ReplyDeleteBut also pride, yes, that people will look down on me because my marriage failed, I somehow failed, where they didn't. Again, I think that's around some of my old judgement of self and others and thinking that would keep me safe from that happening.
So screw those judgey people. We have bigger fish to fry.