Thursday, October 12, 2017

You are entitled!

Esther Perel, couples counsellor and author of the just-released The State of Affairs: Rethinking Infidelity, was being interviewed the other day and she said something that so many of us find difficult but that we absolutely need to hear. She said that, in the wake of a partner's affair, it's the perfect time for the betrayed partner to claim entitlement to what she wants and needs in her life. An affair, says Perel, is often the cheating partner laying claim to something that makes him feel more alive. It's the reconnection with that part of himself that feels excited by life that's a big part of the allure, she says, far more than the sex. But it isn't just the cheating partner who necessarily feels as though life has become routine and mundane – the betrayed partner frequently feels that too. We want to feel young and sexy and alive again too! We just don't necessarily think we'll find that in someone else's bed. Or we've been too busy taking care of everyone else that we've barely given much thought to our own feelings of loss.
But we deserve that. And so, post-betrayal, when we're negotiating reconciliation, is the perfect time to build into our marriage and our life what WE need going forward. It's time to feel entitled, in the best sense of the word.
The hard part, of course, is that too many of us respond to his affair by trying to be more lovable, more worthy of his attention. We mistakenly believe that he cheated because he'd grown bored with us and so we set about making ourselves more interesting, more sexy.
It's not necessarily a bad response but it's for the wrong reason. Rather than rediscovering ourselves for him, we need to do it for us. 
On Monday, StillStanding1 gave us a long list of affirmations she uses to treat herself with kindness and respect. I'm suggesting an action plan that provides the chance to reconnect with ourselves and take pleasure in who we are. 
Over and over on this site, I read of women who've taken up running again because it makes them feel strong and healthy. Or women who've rediscovered knitting or crocheting. (Incidentally, I'm often struck by how many of these activities that help women find themselves are meditative.) Or they've made time for friends again. Or gone back to work.
Let me repeat: This is NOT about making yourself worthy of loving by him. It is about getting back to the truth that you have always been lovable but that, just maybe, you've been neglecting yourself. It's about loving yourself, not proving yourself lovable. 
And I agree with Perel that, as you're negotiating this new marriage, it's time to make some demands. Along with the standard reconciliation pact, tell him he needs to make room for you to pursue your own interests, to have some fun, to keep yourself healthy. To feel alive.
The affair might have done that for him – helped him reconnect to a part of himself he'd lost. It was a huge mistake with painful consequences for everyone. But you can now take this chance to reconnect with yourself. If not now, when?

13 comments:

  1. I have been spending a great amount of time thinking about this the past few days. The difficulty in my current situation is that I was the OW 4 years ago - he stepped out in 2007 ... I stepped out in 2013 ... and now again recently . Since D-Day #2 4 months ago, I have spent a lot of time thinking about why I did what I did ... what was my stepping out about? And as such, what do I want from my marriage going forward. It's amazing at how a catastrophic event can cause one to start looking inward.

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  2. I really like this. I listened to her many times and now understand my husband and myself a little better. I like how she talked about staying in the marriage and being ridiculed for it. I didn't feel entitlement at first but the OW sure did. She thought she was entitled to have my husband and treated me with disdain. Even though the affair was only less than 10 days long. I found a lot of strength in the last few months that I didn't know I had and it feels great. I'm not just his wife, my kids mother, I now have my own identity again and that feels wonderful too.

    I remember after D-day not wanting to upset him in anyway. I guess I was afraid that he would run back to her, not realizing that he was trying to run as far away from her as he could trying not to lose his family in the process. And truthfully I never could figure out why he did this to me, to us, because I always thought we had a really good marriage. That was always the biggest question that he couldn't really answer and I found out a year later why among other things.

    I think that the last two years has brought us closer together even though I always thought that we were close and had a good marriage. But his affair, being as devastating as it was has brought a new closeness with new boundaries and new interest that promotes a healthier marriage for both of us. I hope that this never happens again and we work hard on that everyday. Some days it's easy to slip back into the old comfortable ways of before D-day. It's realizing that we are doing that and find a way to change it so that neither one of us feels what we did then.

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  3. This is so true and such a struggle for me. I keep thinking if I am just thinner, prettier, happier (he always says that - just be happy or I just want you to be happy - blah blah), blonder, more peppy - whatever it is - that he will love me more. I know it's wrong. I know I need to get back to loving myself, REALLY loving myself. It's not about being worthy of love by me. While I don't really want to know what the future holds - I think that would be too much - but there are times that I just wish I knew for sure what would happen. What he is doing - are his words honest and truthful, is he really wanting to come home to me, is he really not talking to her while at work, is it all true and genuine....or is there pain ahead? And yet - I know there is pain ahead - life can be painful, we all experience it in different ways. I've had pain from infertility, child loss, cancer, infidelity - and yes, there will be pain again. But there is also so much joy in life. So much room for joy and love and happiness. I just need to remember to focus on that. What will be will be. I need to love ME, so I can be the mother, wife, friend that I want to be. And someone I love and respect when I look in the mirror.

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    1. Jules, yes you need to love Y❤️U!

      His infidelities had nothing to do with you inside or out. It had to do with his insecurities or stroking his ego. Everyone enjoys hearing nice compliments, etc but if you constantly look outside your marriage like my H did for validation then why be married?
      I struggled with the same things you are. What do I need to do to fix myself so he stays? In the end, I had a long look at myself and never having a low self esteem prior to Dday, I decided I better get to the bottom of that. I realized that motherhood and marriage really put my needs on the back burner. Funny how you give up so much to make it all happen and become so busy you don’t realize you’ve dismissed so many things you love. Find time doing the thing you love for a weekend or two and you will see your spirits change. Enjoying something transcends your insides to care about self care. It got to a point where I just did my thing and my self esteem got better and better. Did I struggle along the way with all the sadness about why this happened? Most certainly! I had a full 2 years of extreme hell (triggers, panic attacks, trickle truth incidents and many arguments) it’s a long process really and all I can say is be patient, wake each day and push the affair out of your mind as hard as you can and make the day about you. It will come! You can do it!!


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  4. Funny to how all these people searching to find themselves find happiness feel alive whatever...could only seem to find it betraying their partner. I didn't realize I was lost I guess because in 23 years of the same old same old I managed to stay the course but he didn't.

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  5. Funny to how all these people searching to find themselves find happiness feel alive whatever...could only seem to find it betraying their partner. I didn't realize I was lost I guess because in 23 years of the same old same old I managed to stay the course but he didn't.

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    1. This has been hard for me too. I know it is the way the world works but I thought based on everything we talked about while dating, pre marriage and while being married this would not be his choice of ways to act out if unhappy. What it has done has brought to light just how different we are. I was and am the person who believes hard work, perseverance and dedication willl guide you in all you do. I can say I have never had a sleepless night because of my actions. There is some peace with that. Of course there are outside stressors we all deal with. And maybe I try to control my world too much but I know I have given my all for myself and what I believe it. But as I look at my husband he was raised with a mentality to cut corners and think about himself first. And that was reflected with his betrayals. He had continued to work hard to prove himself but I still question him and challenge him at times. And bottom line like you said I feel the exact same way I was dealing with the same old day to day life and it never occurred to me once to cheat on him. Granted I actually had more of the responsibilities in our family. A revealing story looking back is a handyman had come over and my husband made a comment that he did not like this man being in the house with me alone. This handyman did have an affair with a married woman so there is that aspect I kind of accpeted he asked because of that instead of revealing something about his thoughts. I looked at him like he was crazy. I find it odd he was questioning since first of all this person was here since he had refused to do simple things like change light bulbs etc. But also considering what he had been doing for years at this point. I guess it was always easier for him to find fault with me in order to make himself feel better.

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    2. Unknown, it's very sad that they can't keep their vows . 20 + yrs here. Almost 5 months ago I found my H was texting another woman
      Who is married. ( well getting divorced now ) he says that's all it was . But I'm afraid it wasn't. I go today for my yearly exam and gonna ask that the Dr check me for stds .. how embarrassing at my age .. I've never had to be checked.
      I just don't understand why men can't be faithful and honest with the ones who love them.
      I've been married 2 times. And both men have hurt me way beyond what I ever though possible.

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  6. Just an honest opinion here. If you want Esther's book give yourself some time between d-day and reading it. Maybe a lot of time. I'm am closing in on 4 years from d-day 1 and 16 months since d-day two. I would not have been able to handle this early on. And I just started reading it. Give yourself some time and check out "books for the betrayed" here first. That is chock full of amazing books and things you can read right now. I'm not saying the book isn't great the little I have read is, but I cannot hear the term "love affair" without my gut flipping a little.

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    1. Steam, I hear you loud and clear. Although I've listened to several of Perel's podcasts and read a lot of her blogs and articles, it feels like she is so removed from the reality of our pain. It is hard to reach her level of objectiveness because regardless of why our husbands did what they did, and regardless of how many times/places I read "this has nothing to do with you" I want to know why I can still feel so bad. Doing OK in the scheme of life but it is a new reality and I'm still getting use to the new roads.

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  7. Hi Steam.

    Thanks for this feedback. I have been thinking the same thing. I’m about 2 1/2 years post day and I have been wondering.... Can I handle this book right now?? Or yet???

    I love Esther, but she can be a very direct in her style and at times that has been hard.

    I read an online excerpt and it seems really good, I’m planning to get the book. And I’m sure there will be some stomach clinching...

    Lots of love and support sister
    Becky

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  8. I love and hate this post. I think old Esther is selling books trying to see both sides. Old Esther needs to go further on how to re-claim yourself will you are a pile on the floor thrashing about trying to reconcile. Old Esther sounds good but not very practical. She is writing what we observes - big deal. She reminds of a referee who tries to see both sides and sympathizes with both sides. I'm not buying that snake oil approach. We need to re-think infidelity? Culturally yes but personally NO. This post has me thinking this week about what I need to make me feel good not only in the present but future. I told my H, I want to keep back enough money so I could open a posh dog kennel in the future. This would make me happy so we are. I have always wanted to own my own business someday. This post made me get off my mental ass in la-la land. Thanks for posting this.

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  9. The above post was LLP.

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