Wednesday, October 11, 2017

Wednesday Word Hug


  1. I belong to know one and I belong nowhere. I just belong to myself and learning this has changed me. I now realize that all the names I got called from the OW and her friends were women trying to fit in, crying out because of their own pain. To plan the destruction of someone's marriage and the destruction of their family is a cry for help from all involved. The sad part about it is that they tried to include my husband into their circle of pain. He had enough of his own pain but thank God he got away from them. That we were able to get away from them and move on. This situation that we have all lived through makes each and everyone of us stronger, it makes us find a strength that we never knew we had. And belonging and fitting in is more of understanding of ourselves. It makes you more aware of who you are once you understand it.

    1. Cathy,
      Yes, this can make things a whole lot clearer for us. When we feel as though we're about to lose everything, our priorities come into focus and we often realize that the one person we need to care for -- ourselves -- has been neglected.

  2. This was one of the most positive aspects of dday and this all coming out. Before dday I had become worn down by the narrative my husband pushed for 10+ years. No matter what or how I asked he would always turn the tables on me. I knew something was off but he had me believing it was all my issue and fault. He was stunned when I told him the day after dday the one positive thing was that I finally realized I was not crazy and it gave an explanation to everything that I could never put a finger on and why he made me feel the way he did for all those years. It was an ah ha moment for sure. I remind myself of that feeling still to this day and especially on challenging days. It is easy to forget how far I have come but I remember pre dday and post dday in those early days. Overall I have not changed as a person but this experience has changed me and to trust myself and believe in myself.

    And the other thing I have noticed is I never thought of myself as a strong person but I totally think differently now. My husband acknowledges my strength in how I have handled this and is so thankful for his second chance.

    1. Hopeful30,
      I don't use the term "warrior" lightly on this site. We have all fought an often invisible brutal battle and come through. Our scars might on the inside but they're there. So strong -- absolutely. And often so much clearer about respecting ourselves.

  3. Just not feeling it. Want to stay in bed and ignore the rest of the world. Job has been beyond stressful, triggers are popping up and I have a feeling that fucking slut is back. I got pressured last Saturday to go visit family and friends. He went out and came home later than I. Sent him a text from work Sunday asking him to save some ribs for my dinner. Got cryptic text back that said ....trap....yeah. He said he has no idea what he meant. To me it meant her boyfriend is suspicious and may be setting a trap. I'm trying not to over react, but fuck, there are no third chances with him. Am I so horrid?

    1. Beagle Mom,
      Can you give yourself a day when you just pull the covers over your head and sleep and cry?
      I'm curious too about being "pressured" to go visit family/friends. How does he pressure you? And what makes you give in to it? Do you have access to his electronic devices? If not, why not? And how does he not remember texts -- was he drinking?
      In short, Beagle Mom, what are the conditions for reconciliation and is he meeting them? If not, what are the consequences.
      Beagle Mom, you are not horrid. You are deeply hurt and willing to give him a second chance. If he can't recognize that as the gift it is, then he's the one who's horrid (and worse!!), not you. Doesn't mean it won't hurt, I know. But it does mean that, ultimately, if he's not up to being a decent, honest, respectful human being, then he's hardly a prize.

    2. I wish I could, but when my Dad got sick, then passed I used a lot of vacation time.

      He had actually started the Monday before saying I should go visit. And he was right, I did. Then come Saturday, it was, when are you leaving? I kept asking what the hurry was and he said we might get bad weather. It is always raining in Florida.

      I checked his phone a few times, nothing, but need to reset the password to get his phone logs. I'm hoping it is paranoia on my part.

      I'm not going to go all bat crap crazy like before. It just gets exhausting at times. Thank you for your concern.

    3. Beagle Mom, I feel for you. If your gut and instinct says he’s lying, trust it. I trusted mine about 10 years after I should have. You are not horrid or crazy and the way you feel should not have to continue.

      Couple ideas:
      So very sorry that you lost your father.
      1) If other relatives need to see you....Either tell them you are enduring some stress right now and can talk on the phone but not visit in person and get their feedback. ....for the future requests

      2) it’s stressful to go away and in the back of your mind stress about the H’s antics. Can you request that he support you and also go away with you? You’re a couple and he should be there with you anyway. Your relatives are also his relatives. Don’t try and make everyone happy without at least him helping with that.

      3) my understanding of my H’s statement of “I don’t know what that means....I don’t remember (fill in the blank) is that it’s a LIE. There was a lot of coverup and ambiguity, that today I don’t put up with. If something doesn’t make sense or add up then the missing part is TRUTH. If it’s unexplainable then try try again buddy!

      4) try expressing your current feelings and tell him that you have some boundaries that need to be set so that you don’t have anxiety and stress. If he truly cares he will want to make you feel safe.

      5) you will get to a point where you know your worth and can communicate that to him. There are commitments and honesty that you give him and he can trust you. If that isn’t reciprocated then you know in your heart that you can shout “unacceptable” and can walk. Once you get here it feels good. You understand that you are worth it and only for the worthy.

      6) Breathe- make a list of what you need to do and rank them. I’m the queen of stress at work and home as well. Know that it’s okay at this time to slow down and only tackle what’s critical. We have to stop doing it all and being it all for others and tend to our heart and mind. You need the oxygen mask right now and you can tend to the guy in seat 14e when you get enough oxygen.

      7) Lucky #seven. We are all here for you!! :) xo

    4. Heartfelt for the win in 7. Such excellent advice and insight.
      BeagleMom, so very sorry for your loss. Hugs and strength to you.

    5. Nothing in his phone records show communication between the two of them. I need to take care of myself and he needs to understand my triggers. As far as the ambiguity? He has deflected that way since he was a kid. Not justifying, just explaining.

      It was bad after my Dad died. The next day went to the nail salon and son of a bitch, saw her parents and oldest brat out in the parking lot.

      She used to live across the street, but her boyfriend made her move after I told him. But she still lives on my side of town.

      Today H told me we do have some damage from the hurricane. Water got into the garage attic and boards have rotted. Then proceeded to tell me it was a design flaw with all the houses including that whore's house.

      I can't even have my own problems without that slut somehow being woven into it. I don't think he was being malicious, but he didn't need to mention her old house since there are so many neighbors that had the same issue. I blew up. Now I'm getting a headache.

      I'm feeling bat crap crazy right now. At least he and his guy friend are working on our truck and leaving me alone. I thought I was strong and over this shit. Thank you for your kind words. They mean a lot. I'm sure I'll be better in the morning.

    6. Beagle Mom,
      Of course, you're feeling bat crap crazy so, right there, I want you to give yourself permission. You're enduring a whole lot of shit right now, and doing so with a partner who's revealed himself to be less than reliable or sensitive. So're gonna feel crazy. That's a pretty normal response to the crazy/grief/etc. around you.
      Did you tell your husband that you do not want to hear a single reference to this woman, to her house, to the moon that shines over her head. Nothing. Not a word. She is cancer and you have cut her out of your life.
      Be gentle with yourself, Beagle Mom. You are so strong. You are showing that every day. Strong doesn't mean not feeling scared and frustrated and angry. It means owning those feelings and dealing with them in a healthy way. It means showing up for these really difficult days. It means doing what you're doing in incredibly trying circumstances.

    7. Beagle Mom, yes I get your statement about abiguity and him deflecting. Mine is the same way. He grew up in an abusive household and his coping mechanism was to say what others wanted to hear as an answer to avoid the verbal abuse, etc. Early on in our marriage I would find him lying about the stupidest shit. “Did you mail in the rebate for $50? ...did you use the $5 coupon on the diapers, etc.” When he failed at something he would just lie and he did it a lifetime. After Dday we had many ups and downs with the fact that he felt not telling me something was not lying. He just wasn’t telling me he bought her flowers and gifts and texted/talked daily because when I asked I didn’t ask the full truth question. Not sure if that makes sense, but if I didnt ask the question and state exactly what the situation was like, he gave himself a pass to lie. It’s been the most frustrating part of this. He doesn’t even understand his truth because there’s a lifetime of lies that mess it up.

      So for now I hold him accountable for the truth. When he slips I correct his truth and I question things if they don’t make sense. It’s very crazy! I don’t feel the need to lie about anything. Possibly because alternatively, when I mess up I admit it and I apologize and I’m truly remorseful. If you are raised in a way where truth has judgement and harsh consequences, then it’s something you avoid. Honesty, trust and loving him as he learns all this for the first time is an ongoing task in rebuilding our marriage.

    8. Heartfelt, it is a frustrating, enraging situation. I want him to be able to explain the whys of his behavior and why he tortured me with his lies. I found an email to her that he would never put her in harms way, (was hot on their trail, could not prove conclusively). Yet I was ridiculed, lied to, until I found the truth and went on a tirade I'm sure the neighborhood still talks about. Im still on antidepressants and dont see an end in sight for getting off them. I was severely harmed and no one protected me except me.

      He can be a kind, caring person, but when he has to face his demons, he is just a boorish, gaslighting asshole. I'm getting to the point where I may have to end things. If he could just answer my questions, support me when I'm triggered and do the hard things to help us move forward, I could move forward. He isn't seeing her, but he thinks it is all on me to get over it so we can move forward.

      In my next life, I won't even have a goldfish!

  4. OMG, I finally worked up the nerve to contact the whores husband. Well ex-husband now he said he divorced her because he found out she was texting somebody else a lot and he thinks there was more going on but he wouldn't go into detail because he wants me to call him. He sent my husband a picture of their divorce papers but my husband never responded back to him. I'm so scared anxious mad ... I don't know what to do should I call him tomorrow and find out more details or do I just let it go and try to rebuild my marriage? I love my husband very much and I don't want to lose them but I also don't want to live with a cheater who will cheat on me and hurt me the way he's hurt me already

    1. The best resource to ask is your husband. I would avoid talking to her ex. It may add even more confusion to things, since it sounds like he never found out the truth. Plus he may take issue with your H and cause you more pain. You never know what people are thinking.
      Your. H needs to fess up the truth on it all. Don’t let him keep things hidden. Ask your H if the OW husband ever contacted him. To me, if he sent the divorce paperwork he was letting your H know....she’s all yours now...I’m done.

    2. izzy, I urge caution here. What you learn from the husband of the OW , you can't unlearn. Remember that what he tells you will be laden with his own baggage, anger, pain and their "stuff". It may or may not give you any useful insight in to what happened. Very likely it will create fears and open wounds you don't need. He's also vulnerable and so are you . Be. So. Careful.
      Yes be mad, its ok to be anxious. I don't know where you are in the process, but if you and H are both committed to trying to rebuild, please consider what this info gathering will do for you? One thing I know is that nothing the betrayed H of the OW can tell you will prevent your husband from hurting you again. Only your H can do that by looking at the how and why. To simmer it all down: Give yourself time to think about it before you agree to speak with the OWs husband. Go slow. Breathe. Let thing splay out. Let things unfold just a bit.

    3. I'm inclined to agree Izzy. You can't presume that this guy is an ally or that he's an emotionally healthy person. Tell your husband you need to know the entire story (or as much as you want to actually know). That he needs to do some soul-searching and memory-searching and provide full disclosure. You can do this within a therapist's office (which isn't a bad idea to have an objective third party) or you can ask him to write it down for you (which is what I did -- though, to this day, I haven't looked at it. I figured I knew as much as I needed to know). But it needs to be out in the open. It will hurt like hell and your husband needs to realize that the hurt of knowing is still better than the hurt of speculating and wondering and imagining.

    4. Anonymous, I feel my husband's not being a hundred percent truthful with me . he has not talked to this woman in a couple of months. But I seen on our phone bill where her husband called my husband and then he sent my husband a picture of their divorce papers when he filed for divorce. I did call him and he told me quite a few things that I didn't know but still there was no proof of any physical contact. her husband said that she had two different men come to her room on separate occasions one of those being my husband and then another man, ( we'll call him darren ) and her husband said oh so you fu**ed both of them, and she said no she didn't fu** Darren! But she never said anything about my husband and she refuses to tell her husband anything about my husband and what went on. And of course then she text my husband and told him that I've been talking to her husband telling him lies and that I'm going to see an attorney and I'm going to go public and it's going to get ugly. And I told my husband if I was going to divorce you I would have already done it. I told him that her marriage was over and she's trying to ruin ours now too.
      It's so sad to be going through this. Her husband cried on the phone to me... I just wish that whore and my H would have thought of how badly it was going to hurt us ..

    5. Izzy, Have you considered waiting a little while before you decide if you want to speak to him? You might change your mind -or- you might feel even more strongly that you need to speak to him. I find in controversial situations waiting to decide is the best decision.

  5. If you want my advice beagle mom your not being horrid enough, he knows exactly what that text meant it came from his phone his brain ask him again until you are satisfied with his response. If your not and you think or your gut is telling you this guy is lying get some boundaries in place and consequences should he break them. You have control of this situation beagle mom and he needs to see that, he isn't running the show, you have given him the biggest gift he will ever get in a second chance if he isn't grateful for that he knows where the door is. Where here for you, we got your back, you got to have your back too. Take some time out for yourself honey, go for a walk take a hot flask of coffee with you and let your mind rest for a few seconds enjoy what's around you, the fluffy clouds in the sky whatever takes you away from the obvious. Come on beagle mom you can do this we are behind you all the way xxx

    1. Thank you Sam A. I love this site, have actually learned more here than from therapy. So thankful for you and the others who have my back. I have everyone's back here too.



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