I try to keep busy so I don't think about it. But some days that's so hard to do.. On a good note after going for my yearly GYN appointment my STD test all came back negative. And the lump that was found in one of my breast turned out to be nothing.
Why does infidelity rather it be physical or just emotional or verbal hurt us so deeply I feel like my whole marriage has just been a lie. And if he's only done this twice in our 20-year marriage and got caught how many times has he done it that he hasn't been caught? My mind races in wonders all the time and it literally is driving me crazy.
Good for you on the health front. That is great news!
I too have had those thoughts since most people rarely do something one time. The drunk driver rarely gets caught the first and only time they are driving drunk. We have had some really honest and open discussions about this topic. Basically my husband swears he has only had two affairs which overlapped and both were sporadic. I have probed and asked a lot of questions though about if two why not more. What it comes down to is my husband said he honestly only had these two affairs. He will say he did not act like a husband and father while not with us. He left himself vulnerable for what happened. He swears he did not seek out these women they pursued him but that he was obviously available/vulnerable. The reason he got caught was some girl at a bar texted him and then he sent some texts back. He was out of town and it pinged on his iPad he happen to leave home for the first time ever and it woke me up. He had secret email and FB account etc. So he was no angel at all. But everything I can find supports that these were just distractions and negative behaviors. He calls it non sensible behaviors. I of course sometimes still wonder but he swears he has come clean. He tells me none of it was good and he never wants to do any of it again ever. So I have gone forward with this and focused on what he is doing now. His goal is to live a completely transparent life. He said he acts as if I am next to him at all times. He swears this is a good thing. He came up with this imagery on his own and does not feel like he resents me, I am making him act this way or I am mother like. Those were my big concerns. I know there is no longevity in me "making" him do anything. One thing to set boundaries and expectations but in the end I cannot be with him at all time and he has to make the decisions. With time things continue to improve and he continues to have more insight and clarity.
Hopefull 30, I wonder the same thing if you look at the statistics on repeaters, I just think he never got caught because he was out of town and I was a young wife. He denies it when I ask multiple times, multiple ways. OK, this makes no sense but to believe him about the past I want him to tell me something bad about his actions in the past that he knows I wouldn't approve of. I want him to admit to something without being caught. I would not be mad but feel good. OK you can send me to the insane asylum now.
LP, Yes I totally agree. I think the same thing. I am not sure my husband knows what he even did. I do believe that he has told me about any sexual and emotional affairs. The random girl in a bar or IM'in someone 1-2 times, fake fb account messages. I saw a bunch. But he did not delete them. He said he forgot about all of these. From all indications he had not used IM'ing for 4-5 years until dday. So he says he forgot he even did that. I think honestly he was such a mess and did whatever whenever he wanted. So I hammered home that he better tell me about any relationship at all. And we have moved forward and he has told me I believe about any communication. The two other women have contacted him and some of their friends. Each time he has shown me the contact or let me hear the voice mails. Then we blocked the numbers together. I feel the same way about insane asylum needed stat! Or I live in the twilight zone!
It's the selfishness of today... couple that with the ease technology makes. How many of us would be here if it weren't for texting, social media or what's app? Screw tech advances. We are cultivating a society of self absorbed sex addicts. Wait till our snap chat obessed teens age into adult hood... the family unit is doomed. Ps dont let me being you down I just hate my life and suffering in silent torment to try to stay afloat until my babies can fend for themselves. Until I can break it to them the news they will have a baby brother or sister but it didn't come from mommy... daddy decided his thirst for sexual gratification was more important then all of us and played house with a whore ... my poor poor babies. I hate so strong and so much it's awful. I could beat him. I could scream. I can't stand this.
Izzy, I'm so glad that any health concerns have been put to rest. I hope you can take some pleasure in that. And give yourself a break regarding how exhausting and numbing this is. It is horrible to go through...but you're doing it. Just keep insisting on transparency, on honesty and on mutual respect. Make sure you build in lots of time to take care of yourself as you go through this. And please take some time to focus on how to centre yourself so that your mind isn'g always racing and hyper-focussing on him. Consider meditation, yoga, running or anything that helps you keep bringing your mind back to this moment, right now. Not yesterday, not tomorrow, not even an hour from now. Now. You are fine. You will get through this. Moment by moment. And Anonymous, I'm so sorry for the pain you're in. I can imagine how excruciating it must be to see your children so deeply affected by your husband's horrible choice. And I hope you can find a safe place to express that anger. Of course, you're angry. If you don't already have a counsellor, I hope you'll get one where you can process all this pain so that you can heal from this. Betrayal is excruciating. What you're going through is worse still.
Izzy, I'm so happy that you got a clean bill of health.
Anynomous November 3, spot on. 100% of my H's 3 EA's (1 that briefly became physical) were based in email. No other face-to-face contact. Without technology I might have not had a reason to be on this page. Now we might still be in MC because we have other issues besides H's cheating. But without email, who knows. At the time of the A's we didn't even have text enabled phones yet. It was 99% email.
Izzy I'm sorry you are struggling with the constant wondering if he's cheating again. That's been the hardest part for me as well. When I realized that my h had the ow living in this house with him and then he brought me into the same bed I almost went crazy. It's taken us three years to get where we are and believe me we still have a long way to go. I trigger almost every time he travels. I too wondered if he had women he met during those weeks that he stayed across the country. Then I asked him. Hurt his feelings that I even thought that but then post dday, I felt like he owed me the truth and the only way I could stop the wondering was to ask. I explained that to him and he responded with the truth. He didn't have others just that one really crazy woman that wouldn't go away no matter how hard he tried, even after she blew up my world through text and social media. He had to press harassment charges and then it still took another year. I'm not sure how we survived those two years! I'm still a work in progress. One day at a time! Sending hugs! It's hard!
Thanks ladies. I don't think my H is talking to this woman anymore. She lives in another state it's just I don't know for sure if it was REALLY just texting that went on. I get real worried when I text him and he doesn't text me back I wonder why what's he been doing or who he's talking to . Because he seemed to jump right away and answer this whore every time she text him . She was the one who pursued him 99.9% of the text she was the first one to initiate and sometimes there were three or four before he would ever answer her. But the last month when I caught it they were texting each other like wildfire. And she sent quite a few pictures I don't know what they were of my husband says they were just little quotes or cartoon pictures or whatever. But when I talk to her husband he said she likes to send naked pictures of herself, and of course my H says that he has never received any pictures of a naked woman nor has he ever sent any of himself. But I wonder were they dirty little cartoons or what, I just don't know and my mind races and I don't know how to stop it. it seems to have turned me into this insecure needy woman and I feel so worthless and fat and ugly and I just want to stay hid out away from everyone. . I'm just so tried of this. I used to be a strong confident, proud held my head up high kind of woman. Now I'm just a shell of what I used to be. And I'm ready to be over all of this !!! Hugs my friends ♡
Omg.. my heart aches for you if your going through that.. I don't think I could. I don't know for sure if I can get past the texting my H done. But I'm trying ... hugs
I'm sorry for what you are going through. It's just another level to the betrayal and such a deep one. Keep posting here. There is so much wisdom and support. Also, if you look over on the sidebar (not sure it is there on the mobile site) you'll see a link for infidelitycounselingnetwork.org There is some good help there. And keep reading and posting here. There is an army of women here who have your back.
No one knows.... I have three young ones myself... it's going to blow up if it's his.... I'm dying. I want to die. I have to breath every day for my babies... I just had a newborn... I've been waiting and watching her pics on social media to see if there is a belly. She's not talking to anyone either. Prolly telling everyone it was a one night stand... im educated...i know my kids mental health is all wrapped up in how they see thwir parents... I did t want anyone to find out... he knew I woudlnt. Did it when I was most vulnerable... when I was too tired to check in. When I couldn't give anymore of myself.... And he gave it all to her. I think she thought she could keep him if there was a baby. But the shame in a marriwd mans baby might be morw then she wants. I dont know... how could people be so awful. And my husband... mine. Is one like yours... all of you. Mine who would nevwr do this... he DID do all this. He did all this and more. I want to talk. I want to get it out... I want to crucify them both. It's so so shameful. But my kids. I can't. Without them I'd be dead right now. God please have mercy on me it is a sick world I want peace. How could thia all be happening. It's a nightmare.
Anonymous I'm so sorry! Yes this is the nightmare that just keeps giving! It hurts so bad! I'm so sorry a child no children are going to have to deal with this! However, one thing I've learned about children, are very resilient and somehow they manage to get through the mess that their parents create. I know this because I'm watching my grandsons as they cope with a new baby sister and stepdad. This hasn't been easy for them but they are doing it one day at a time. However, this is also the most difficult time of your life! I'm sorry I don't have the right advice on how to deal with your h because I don't know his heart. I only know the pain you feel! It's gut wrenching and it's going to be a roller coaster ride for a while! I'm sending you hugs and prayers and I just wanted you to know that you're not alone!
Oh Anon. My heart aches for you. You will find a way through, one step at a time. Remember that, even if it seems so dark in your nightmare. Find a therapist immediately. You need support. I know you feel shame now, but it is not yours to bear. xoxo
Anonymous, Please please find a professional who can help you through this. Being a mother of three (including a newborn) is hard at the best of times. You need support. You need someone to remind you that you will get through this. I promise you that, no matter what, you will get through this. But it starts with you taking care of yourself first. Getting sleep. Eating well. And finding a safe place where you can process all this pain.
Anonymous November 1, my heart breaks for you and I hope the OW is not pregnant and if she is that it is not your CH's. I hope you and your H insist on a paternity test. And I hope you have an IC, this is too much to handle on your own.
It's seems strange to me that so many women say he "only" had X number of affairs...I feel like 1 was too many..I am sure of at least 5 in the 23 years we have been married. I have thought about little else in the past 6 months since he finally admitted to cheating. I honestly do not think I will be able to stay with him. I can't see him changing at this stage of the game. Mostly I am angry that I was denied the right to be in a normal committed relationship with someone who would have loved me and been faithful to me as I have been to him. Just angry and all the way to my bones sad.
I agree with you. My husband had two overlapping affairs and I never think what you are saying. They lasted for about 10 years even though they were sporadic. None of it is "only". I will say at least for myself I look towards the silver linings in my situation. I think I am glad my husband ended both affairs 15 months before dday all on his own. I see that as a positive since we did not have to deal with an affair fog or him breaking up with anyone. And he had already gotten tired of the affairs on his own. He still had tons of work to do and is still working 2 1/2 years out from dday. My husband stands by the fact that his affairs were really just physical affairs and he never cared about them or felt much for them. I could see how an emotional affair without any physical contact could be more challenging to deal with. But overall I would say any betrayal is hard and requires work and assessment even if it would be as simple as some texts or a lunch with someone. I think anything that is kept secret from a spouse related to a person of the opposite sex. That is our take and what we have set our boundaries around.
Yes. 1 affair is too many. I in a WAY , would rather my husband have had 2 short coursed affairs rather than having one longer one where he told her he loved her, insisted on seeing her over and over, stalked her , and basically was infatuated with her. She must of really meant something to him. If he had two meaningless ones, I’d feel better. But that’s just me...
I wanted to share this because that is way I think of my cyber sisters. Someone said this to me yesterday in a public place so I wanted to say this about YOU - "YOU DON'T WANT TO MESS WITH HER, SHE IS A TIGER, AND EARNED EVERYONE OF THOSE STRIPES."
I'm choosing my thoughts on how my husband Actions show both remorse,regret and he deserves a second chance. He buys me flowers twice a month, he surprised me with a new dress yesterday, he cleans up the kitchen, he occasionally plans a date night, he listens without interrupting me, he respects my outside activities, he is very tender, he tells me when he is depressed, irritated, resentful, I tell him the same and he is not defensive, he washes clothes, he watches my goofy TV shows, I pick the restaurants, movies and what we are going to do over the weekend if he doesn't want to do something he suggests a change, he goes with me to places he is not interested in like an art crawl, local talent show, bridge club,he does show me when he is angry but will talk about it. His love language is to be needed, wanted, appreciated and as much sex as he wants. Do I feel like he tells me the entire truth about the A - no. Do I feel like he tells me the entire truth about his past - no. Do I feel like he is a repeat offender - yes. Do I trust him - no. Will I ever trust him to have my back - no. Will I ever forgive him - partially. Post betrayal is a difficult balance beam to stand on then jump off landing on your feet.
I don't feel like my H is being completely honest about the texting he was caught doing with this whore. And I'm afraid they did something on that 3 day event that they were both at. But I'll never know cause he says it was just texting... ? I know he doesn't text with her anymore. It's just so hurtful cause I'm always asking my H to talk more to me. But yet he could talk so freely to this whore... The first few months he would help around the house with laundry and cleaning the kitchen.and text me alot. But now he's starting to slipping back to his old ways of just coming home and sitting down. And going fishing or hunting with his friends all the time. When I'm not at work I try to spend my free time with him. But I guess he'd rather spend his free time with others....
Izzy, I know for me it was important to get my feelings resolved. My therapist helped me get to the point I was okay with what I knew then setting the boundaries and expectations. Honestly our marriage was out of balance. My husband was selfish and I was taking on too much. I am the kind of person that does stuff and gets things done. At least for my husband's affair it was an escape for him. it could have been any woman. These women meant nothing to him. It was a fling and his way of pretending he had zero obligations or responsibilities and I am sure acting young and care free. None of it is right but he told me point blank when he left the house he ignored the fact he was married or a father. All horrible things but it puts into context what he was thinking. In the end I cannot take any of this personally.Sure it is hard we have been together a long time and married 20+ years. But these are his flaws and issues.
I made it clear he had to tell me everything and zero contact with these women. He had to tell me about anything that he says, does or happens around him that he would not do with me standing next to him. Initially, It was the working through information gathering and processing the pain of the affair. Then we moved into the looking at our marriage/relationship. Was this even a relationship either of us wanted to be in anymore? What did we want, need and expect from our marriage? How can we make it better so we are happy together. This has been our main focus for a while now and it is hard to change habits that are the way you have acted your entire life or for your entire relationship. Change is not easy and it requires constant work from both people. And still now the affairs come up but it is in a way to help us and improve the future.
That feeling of slipping back into old ways has happened many times for us. And time with friends has been an issue. The first year was all going through the pain and discovery then year two was more him dealing with and facing his issues. In year two I felt a major slipping back into old ways/habits. Nothing bad happened at all but it just felt like pre dday.
For my husband he was stressed out worrying about me and I think struggled to enjoy anything. I know it was his guilt. He has been 100% transparent so that was his entire focus was his good behavior. For me I saw everything as intertwined. His drinking, his friends etc. He would argue they knew nothing about what he did and none of it was connected. He has surrounded himself with guys guys that are not into spending time with their wives. I have no idea if they have cheated or not but I would never strive to have marriages like theirs whether there was cheating or not. And the alcohol was a major issue. I still believe he would have never cheated if he had not been drinking. I think it lowers his inhibitions, he makes poor decisions and he feels the depressive effects of alcohol. We have really focused on not only his behaviors/interactions with women but more so on his friends, drinking and decision making. It is exhausting since I feel like I am dealing with a teenager. These are part of the boundaries we set up. He came up with the idea of telling me who, when, where he was going but then he would plan out his night. What time he would be home, if he drank at all and how much he would drink. When he has had blips I have been very matter of fact that he has some decisions to make since giving him a second chance I am not going to live this life. Even if it happens once a year I want more from a husband and my life and I have higher expectations.
He recently went away with friends and wow is he different. He has changed so much both in how he acts, communicates with me and his drinking while he is out of town. It is dramatic. And he is doing this on his own. He is proud of himself and feeling better than ever. Sorry this is so long but I want to say it is possible for change it is challenging though and exhausting. Hang in there!
LP, I appreciate your honesty and sharing your daily life with us. Can I ask? Would you say you have an inner peace in your circumstances, any happiness? I could summarize my situation similarly, but am waiting for a little more settling inside myself. Oh, and a really good belly laugh now and then!
Truth, like your name. I can say I have inner peace with ME. MY happiness is a work in progress as far as undoing all the shitty stuff that served me well for many years but was so unhealthy for me. I'm happier in my marriage that previous to the A. Do I have peace in my mind regarding my marriage - NO. Maybe this is wacky but I separate myself and my identity from my marriage. They are no longer one in the same like they used to be. MYSELF fits inside my marriage. It is like my marriage is a boot but it is not me. I'm the foot that I insert myself into that boot. You don't buy a foot with a boot, just the boot. I took me 3 years to get to this point and 3 years of IC. I still go back to my therapist for a check up or when something happens that I need to see the big picture. I also have to admit being on antidepressants for a year has helped me have a longer fuse about the affair so I don't trigger as much but I still think some little thing about it everyday. I just went to therapy and said, I just want to have some peace. The last year of my therapy was just finding MY inner peace. She gave me practice homework each week. It helped me to see things differently. I wish there was someway I could take a picture and post the handouts, which are self-explanatory. I made a book of them and look them when I'm struggling. If my H had not done the work, I would not be with him. But my inner peace that I worked for ME is mine all the time. You will get there. If you don't feel like letting go then hold on, my therapist would tell me something is unresolved if I hold on. I held on until I could figure it out. Once I identified what I was holding on to and why then I understood how to let it go. I know you will get there in your own good time. Not sure about the belly laugh part that still isn't very often. Maybe when you get to the belly laugh part you can help me.
Browneyedgirl , I wish I knew where to get one.that or if there was a truth serum I could give him.. but if he gets the flu this year and is sick I'll be sure and ask him some questions. ( he tends to ramble off at the mouth when his sick. And he doesn't remember ) It's been 6 months and I still cry on a daily basis. Oh this is so hard. He is the one person I thought would never hurt me..
Izzy, read back through what you have written, He doesn’t spend time with me He doesn’t help out with the chores He is out fishing and with his friends all the time Izzy this guy is showing you he couldn’t care less, and this is your chance to take control and put a stop to all of the Above. Stop waiting for him to throw you a bone, go out and do your own thing, let him think where’s Izzy she’s always out with her friends, stop cooking and cleaning for him until he treats you with respect. Stop putting this guy first, put yourself first!!. Izzy he can only treat you like this for as long as you let him. Figure out what it is you want from him? I’m sorry he’s behaving this way Izzy, you don’t have to put with it. If you havnt already read the page on boundaries it makes complete sense and if he doesn’t comply throw in some consequences, like him sleeping on the couch, no communication whatever it is that works for you. Wishing you the best Izzy you got this .. xxx
I have to share something. The other day I was scrolling Facebook and came across a post from the radio station that I used to listen to in the former state we lived in. It was called therapy day or something like that. Well this woman asked what to do after her husband of 30 years had an affair. He had ended it and said something about being caught up in some circumstances. I felt her pain but what made me mad was all of the comments that people posted. Run, dump him, you can never have trust again. I tried to give her something positive not all of the negative comments. It really pissed me off because not one of these people knew what the real story was. Just someone in pain asking for help. I posted on there to find this blog because of the support she would get no matter what she decides to do. I was so amazed at how many people were willing to tell her to throw away 30 years of marriage. Granted it's not going to be an easy journey for her but I told her only she can make that decision. Cathy
Kudos too you, Cathy, for reaching out and offering compassion and support rather than "advice". We have such a knee-jerk response to infidelity, which leaves so many of us feeling ashamed or forced into a response that doesn't feel right for us. To just give someone permission to take her time, to focus on her own pain and then to make the "next right step" is revolutionary. Sadly.
I think it is so true what has been said on here that infidelity is not talked about or really understood in our society. I know I would have thought no way would I stick with my husband if he did xyz. It is so true you never know what is going on and you never know what you would until you are in a situation. This site is so great since I feel like no matter where you are others are supportive. It is the only non judgmental place I have seen or experienced. I find it comforting even just to read what others write and their advice.
Izzy he is lying. He is lying lying lying. I was given the mini affair too... turns out it was 5 months and he had a second wife out of town.... o e that now is carrying his baby. A temp affair and he thought he could leave and it would all be in the past.... well When u treat a whole like a wife u get them thinking all sorts of crazy things.
This is not ur case... I know. It's my nightmare. But look at his remorse. He is lying. Selfish soul destroying cowards. And whores...why is there so many whores out there. I could never.... for what? Meaningless lust.
I just had the weirdest trigger with my husband. We were eating at a Mexican restaurant . I told him to try the poblano I was eating and said it was not hot. He passed. Then he offered me a bite of his . I asked if it was hot he said no . I took a big bite and it was so hot I almost threw up . It took 30 minutes for me to feel ok again. But I was so pissed at him. I asked him if it was hot he said no but it was. Am I rediculous but I was like really . When he said no I believed him with all of my heart. And he was lying . Am I crazy but this just triggered me so bad . Why would he do that???
Anonymous, I think once you discern whether he genuinely didn't think it was spicy or whether he deliberately misled you (for whatever reason), then it's time to talk with him about lying. I came to understand, after D-Day, just how frequently my husband lied about stupid little things. He lied to avoid things he didn't want to do, he lied to not disappoint people, etc. I recalled something my husband had said to me years earlier when I was complaining about his mother and how difficult she is. He told me that he'd learned as a teen that it was easier to just not tell her anything and do what he wanted. If he got caught, he lied. He hated the judgement, the control, the disapproval. So...he avoided it by lying or deceiving. In his mind, no harm was done. In MY mind, it was dishonest. And so...we talked about it. I made it clear that dishonesty is dishonesty in my books. Doesn't matter to me whether it's a big lie or a little one. And I got in the habit of calling him out on it every single time. Was the traffic really that bad or did you leave the office later than you're telling me? Do you really have other plans or did you just not want to do what that person was asking you? Etc. I also challenged myself to be as honest as I can ALL THE TIME. (I don't always succeed. ;)) It's really about setting an intention to do things differently and changing the way you two interact. Most people see that kind of thing harmless. A joke. Ha ha. You burned your mouth on hot food. And if you respond in anger, you can't take a joke. But that's not it at all. ESPECIALLY in the wake of D-Day, honesty is crucial. He needs to show you, day after day after day, that his word means something. That he can be trusted. So I don't actually think you over-reacted. I think you responded to another example of deception or lying. I think you reacted exactly like someone who's bloody fed up of being lied to would react. Give yourself a break. And recognize that you responded in a way proportional to the pain that his lying has caused. And then talk to him about it. Explain why you reacted like did and how you can both set the intention to be more honest in all interactions.
I agree with Elle 100%. My husband did that often. He really had no idea how he was living his life. It almost felt like when I took a step back after dday that I was living with a middle school boy. Things that are not funny and you would not do to someone you love he did often. It was a huge wake up call. Nothing major but even the littlest thing would set me off. He would say he was going to do a load of laundry and I would be waiting for him to finish and realize he never started. He would say he forgot and what is the big deal. So many little things. And even now 2 1/2 years later he knows things will set off a reaction/trigger in me. It could be something minor but after this type of trauma I feel it is normal to react this way. My husband would also always defend others and not see their lies. If a friend would lie to his wife he would laugh it off. Well this got old fast. Again it was a lie about going to watch a game instead of being at work, getting a drink after work instead of being at work or going home etc. But to me these are lies and are wrong. If you want to go watch a game instead of going home be honest. I told him he needed to stop making excuses for others and even reconsider who he hangs out and spends his time with. I think for him it made it easier for him to lie since others around him did the same thing.
Anon, it might be something as simple as he actually didn’t think it was spicy. One thing I’ve learnt about men is that they are black and white. I doubt he did it to hurt you but that’s just my opinion. Obviously you know him better. Having had time to reflect on the situation what do you make of it now?? Xx
I know i overreacted for sure. It was more that i trusted him and he deceived me in that small moment. In my head it just threw me off. He has been doing everything right since dday . We are doing well for the most Part. I still think about the events of the affair a lot . It was two years of my life . It was a affair that was right in front of me . It’s hard not to pick every moment apart.
Anon, Only he can tell you if he was lying to you or not about this one time of course. But from my experience as I said above the reaction is normal for me. I am so sensitive to being lied to even in a small way. It does not matter if it is something minor or irrelevant. It was critical for my husband to understand the aftermath of what he created not only for himself and our marriage but the impact on me. This is not something you get over. I am sure people are all affected differently. Things my husband might make a joke about are not funny. He gets it now. We have had some major discussions related to this topic. And not that we can't laugh or have fun but he does need to tread lightly and think before he speaks or does something. This betrayal makes us second guess everything including ourselves. It is a lot to work through.
And honestly I have the same emotional and physical reaction if others lie to me especially my kids. One of my kids is similar to my husband more and more and those lies feel all too familiar. In a way it is good. I am able to recognize the smallest white lie. Before dday I would have let it slide. Now no way. I want my kids to know how they should act. At a certain point it will be up to them but right now they are at that point where I have the responsibility to show them by example and help them correct those bad behaviors and decisions.
I try to keep busy so I don't think about it. But some days that's so hard to do..
ReplyDeleteOn a good note after going for my yearly GYN appointment my STD test all came back negative. And the lump that was found in one of my breast turned out to be nothing.
Why does infidelity rather it be physical or just emotional or verbal hurt us so deeply I feel like my whole marriage has just been a lie. And if he's only done this twice in our 20-year marriage and got caught how many times has he done it that he hasn't been caught? My mind races in wonders all the time and it literally is driving me crazy.
Good for you on the health front. That is great news!
DeleteI too have had those thoughts since most people rarely do something one time. The drunk driver rarely gets caught the first and only time they are driving drunk. We have had some really honest and open discussions about this topic. Basically my husband swears he has only had two affairs which overlapped and both were sporadic. I have probed and asked a lot of questions though about if two why not more. What it comes down to is my husband said he honestly only had these two affairs. He will say he did not act like a husband and father while not with us. He left himself vulnerable for what happened. He swears he did not seek out these women they pursued him but that he was obviously available/vulnerable. The reason he got caught was some girl at a bar texted him and then he sent some texts back. He was out of town and it pinged on his iPad he happen to leave home for the first time ever and it woke me up. He had secret email and FB account etc. So he was no angel at all. But everything I can find supports that these were just distractions and negative behaviors. He calls it non sensible behaviors. I of course sometimes still wonder but he swears he has come clean. He tells me none of it was good and he never wants to do any of it again ever. So I have gone forward with this and focused on what he is doing now. His goal is to live a completely transparent life. He said he acts as if I am next to him at all times. He swears this is a good thing. He came up with this imagery on his own and does not feel like he resents me, I am making him act this way or I am mother like. Those were my big concerns. I know there is no longevity in me "making" him do anything. One thing to set boundaries and expectations but in the end I cannot be with him at all time and he has to make the decisions. With time things continue to improve and he continues to have more insight and clarity.
Hopefull 30, I wonder the same thing if you look at the statistics on repeaters, I just think he never got caught because he was out of town and I was a young wife. He denies it when I ask multiple times, multiple ways. OK, this makes no sense but to believe him about the past I want him to tell me something bad about his actions in the past that he knows I wouldn't approve of. I want him to admit to something without being caught. I would not be mad but feel good. OK you can send me to the insane asylum now.
DeleteLP, Yes I totally agree. I think the same thing. I am not sure my husband knows what he even did. I do believe that he has told me about any sexual and emotional affairs. The random girl in a bar or IM'in someone 1-2 times, fake fb account messages. I saw a bunch. But he did not delete them. He said he forgot about all of these. From all indications he had not used IM'ing for 4-5 years until dday. So he says he forgot he even did that. I think honestly he was such a mess and did whatever whenever he wanted. So I hammered home that he better tell me about any relationship at all. And we have moved forward and he has told me I believe about any communication. The two other women have contacted him and some of their friends. Each time he has shown me the contact or let me hear the voice mails. Then we blocked the numbers together. I feel the same way about insane asylum needed stat! Or I live in the twilight zone!
DeleteLP,
DeleteI also agree.
It's the selfishness of today... couple that with the ease technology makes. How many of us would be here if it weren't for texting, social media or what's app? Screw tech advances. We are cultivating a society of self absorbed sex addicts. Wait till our snap chat obessed teens age into adult hood... the family unit is doomed. Ps dont let me being you down I just hate my life and suffering in silent torment to try to stay afloat until my babies can fend for themselves. Until I can break it to them the news they will have a baby brother or sister but it didn't come from mommy... daddy decided his thirst for sexual gratification was more important then all of us and played house with a whore ... my poor poor babies. I hate so strong and so much it's awful. I could beat him. I could scream. I can't stand this.
DeleteIzzy,
DeleteI'm so glad that any health concerns have been put to rest. I hope you can take some pleasure in that.
And give yourself a break regarding how exhausting and numbing this is. It is horrible to go through...but you're doing it. Just keep insisting on transparency, on honesty and on mutual respect. Make sure you build in lots of time to take care of yourself as you go through this. And please take some time to focus on how to centre yourself so that your mind isn'g always racing and hyper-focussing on him. Consider meditation, yoga, running or anything that helps you keep bringing your mind back to this moment, right now. Not yesterday, not tomorrow, not even an hour from now. Now. You are fine. You will get through this. Moment by moment.
And Anonymous, I'm so sorry for the pain you're in. I can imagine how excruciating it must be to see your children so deeply affected by your husband's horrible choice. And I hope you can find a safe place to express that anger. Of course, you're angry. If you don't already have a counsellor, I hope you'll get one where you can process all this pain so that you can heal from this. Betrayal is excruciating. What you're going through is worse still.
Izzy, I'm so happy that you got a clean bill of health.
DeleteAnynomous November 3, spot on. 100% of my H's 3 EA's (1 that briefly became physical) were based in email. No other face-to-face contact. Without technology I might have not had a reason to be on this page. Now we might still be in MC because we have other issues besides H's cheating. But without email, who knows. At the time of the A's we didn't even have text enabled phones yet. It was 99% email.
Izzy
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry you are struggling with the constant wondering if he's cheating again. That's been the hardest part for me as well. When I realized that my h had the ow living in this house with him and then he brought me into the same bed I almost went crazy. It's taken us three years to get where we are and believe me we still have a long way to go. I trigger almost every time he travels. I too wondered if he had women he met during those weeks that he stayed across the country. Then I asked him. Hurt his feelings that I even thought that but then post dday, I felt like he owed me the truth and the only way I could stop the wondering was to ask. I explained that to him and he responded with the truth. He didn't have others just that one really crazy woman that wouldn't go away no matter how hard he tried, even after she blew up my world through text and social media. He had to press harassment charges and then it still took another year. I'm not sure how we survived those two years! I'm still a work in progress. One day at a time! Sending hugs! It's hard!
Thanks ladies. I don't think my H is talking to this woman anymore. She lives in another state it's just I don't know for sure if it was REALLY just texting that went on. I get real worried when I text him and he doesn't text me back I wonder why what's he been doing or who he's talking to . Because he seemed to jump right away and answer this whore every time she text him .
DeleteShe was the one who pursued him 99.9% of the text she was the first one to initiate and sometimes there were three or four before he would ever answer her. But the last month when I caught it they were texting each other like wildfire. And she sent quite a few pictures I don't know what they were of my husband says they were just little quotes or cartoon pictures or whatever. But when I talk to her husband he said she likes to send naked pictures of herself, and of course my H says that he has never received any pictures of a naked woman nor has he ever sent any of himself. But I wonder were they dirty little cartoons or what, I just don't know and my mind races and I don't know how to stop it. it seems to have turned me into this insecure needy woman and I feel so worthless and fat and ugly and I just want to stay hid out away from everyone. . I'm just so tried of this. I used to be a strong confident, proud held my head up high kind of woman. Now I'm just a shell of what I used to be. And I'm ready to be over all of this !!!
Hugs my friends ♡
Has anyone dealt with a baby due to a husbands affair.... :( how. How do you do it.
ReplyDeleteOmg.. my heart aches for you if your going through that.. I don't think I could. I don't know for sure if I can get past the texting my H done. But I'm trying ... hugs
DeleteI have and desperately need someone to talk too.
DeleteI may have posted under my daughters name on accident. anonymous can you reach out to me at timbbey@yahoo.com
DeleteI'm sorry for what you are going through. It's just another level to the betrayal and such a deep one. Keep posting here. There is so much wisdom and support. Also, if you look over on the sidebar (not sure it is there on the mobile site) you'll see a link for infidelitycounselingnetwork.org There is some good help there. And keep reading and posting here. There is an army of women here who have your back.
DeleteNo one knows.... I have three young ones myself... it's going to blow up if it's his.... I'm dying. I want to die. I have to breath every day for my babies... I just had a newborn... I've been waiting and watching her pics on social media to see if there is a belly. She's not talking to anyone either. Prolly telling everyone it was a one night stand... im educated...i know my kids mental health is all wrapped up in how they see thwir parents... I did t want anyone to find out... he knew I woudlnt. Did it when I was most vulnerable... when I was too tired to check in. When I couldn't give anymore of myself.... And he gave it all to her. I think she thought she could keep him if there was a baby. But the shame in a marriwd mans baby might be morw then she wants. I dont know... how could people be so awful. And my husband... mine. Is one like yours... all of you. Mine who would nevwr do this... he DID do all this. He did all this and more. I want to talk. I want to get it out... I want to crucify them both. It's so so shameful. But my kids. I can't. Without them I'd be dead right now. God please have mercy on me it is a sick world I want peace. How could thia all be happening. It's a nightmare.
DeleteAnonymous
DeleteI'm so sorry! Yes this is the nightmare that just keeps giving! It hurts so bad! I'm so sorry a child no children are going to have to deal with this! However, one thing I've learned about children, are very resilient and somehow they manage to get through the mess that their parents create. I know this because I'm watching my grandsons as they cope with a new baby sister and stepdad. This hasn't been easy for them but they are doing it one day at a time. However, this is also the most difficult time of your life! I'm sorry I don't have the right advice on how to deal with your h because I don't know his heart. I only know the pain you feel! It's gut wrenching and it's going to be a roller coaster ride for a while! I'm sending you hugs and prayers and I just wanted you to know that you're not alone!
Oh Anon. My heart aches for you. You will find a way through, one step at a time. Remember that, even if it seems so dark in your nightmare. Find a therapist immediately. You need support. I know you feel shame now, but it is not yours to bear. xoxo
DeleteAnonymous, Please please find a professional who can help you through this. Being a mother of three (including a newborn) is hard at the best of times. You need support. You need someone to remind you that you will get through this. I promise you that, no matter what, you will get through this. But it starts with you taking care of yourself first. Getting sleep. Eating well. And finding a safe place where you can process all this pain.
DeleteAnonymous November 1, my heart breaks for you and I hope the OW is not pregnant and if she is that it is not your CH's. I hope you and your H insist on a paternity test. And I hope you have an IC, this is too much to handle on your own.
DeleteIt's seems strange to me that so many women say he "only" had X number of affairs...I feel like 1 was too many..I am sure of at least 5 in the 23 years we have been married. I have thought about little else in the past 6 months since he finally admitted to cheating. I honestly do not think I will be able to stay with him. I can't see him changing at this stage of the game. Mostly I am angry that I was denied the right to be in a normal committed relationship with someone who would have loved me and been faithful to me as I have been to him. Just angry and all the way to my bones sad.
ReplyDeleteI agree with you. My husband had two overlapping affairs and I never think what you are saying. They lasted for about 10 years even though they were sporadic. None of it is "only". I will say at least for myself I look towards the silver linings in my situation. I think I am glad my husband ended both affairs 15 months before dday all on his own. I see that as a positive since we did not have to deal with an affair fog or him breaking up with anyone. And he had already gotten tired of the affairs on his own. He still had tons of work to do and is still working 2 1/2 years out from dday. My husband stands by the fact that his affairs were really just physical affairs and he never cared about them or felt much for them. I could see how an emotional affair without any physical contact could be more challenging to deal with. But overall I would say any betrayal is hard and requires work and assessment even if it would be as simple as some texts or a lunch with someone. I think anything that is kept secret from a spouse related to a person of the opposite sex. That is our take and what we have set our boundaries around.
DeleteYes. 1 affair is too many. I in a WAY , would rather my husband have had 2 short coursed affairs rather than having one longer one where he told her he loved her, insisted on seeing her over and over, stalked her , and basically was infatuated with her. She must of really meant something to him. If he had two meaningless ones, I’d feel better. But that’s just me...
DeleteI wanted to share this because that is way I think of my cyber sisters. Someone said this to me yesterday in a public place so I wanted to say this about YOU - "YOU DON'T WANT TO MESS WITH HER, SHE IS A TIGER, AND EARNED EVERYONE OF THOSE STRIPES."
ReplyDeleteI'm choosing my thoughts on how my husband Actions show both remorse,regret and he deserves a second chance. He buys me flowers twice a month, he surprised me with a new dress yesterday, he cleans up the kitchen, he occasionally plans a date night, he listens without interrupting me, he respects my outside activities, he is very tender, he tells me when he is depressed, irritated, resentful, I tell him the same and he is not defensive, he washes clothes, he watches my goofy TV shows, I pick the restaurants, movies and what we are going to do over the weekend if he doesn't want to do something he suggests a change, he goes with me to places he is not interested in like an art crawl, local talent show, bridge club,he does show me when he is angry but will talk about it. His love language is to be needed, wanted, appreciated and as much sex as he wants. Do I feel like he tells me the entire truth about the A - no. Do I feel like he tells me the entire truth about his past - no. Do I feel like he is a repeat offender - yes. Do I trust him - no. Will I ever trust him to have my back - no. Will I ever forgive him - partially. Post betrayal is a difficult balance beam to stand on then jump off landing on your feet.
ReplyDeleteI don't feel like my H is being completely honest about the texting he was caught doing with this whore. And I'm afraid they did something on that 3 day event that they were both at. But I'll never know cause he says it was just texting... ?
DeleteI know he doesn't text with her anymore. It's just so hurtful cause I'm always asking my H to talk more to me. But yet he could talk so freely to this whore...
The first few months he would help around the house with laundry and cleaning the kitchen.and text me alot.
But now he's starting to slipping back to his old ways of just coming home and sitting down. And going fishing or hunting with his friends all the time. When I'm not at work I try to spend my free time with him. But I guess he'd rather spend his free time with others....
LP, It is such a balance. So many highs and lows. A major roller coaster ride!
DeleteIzzy, I know for me it was important to get my feelings resolved. My therapist helped me get to the point I was okay with what I knew then setting the boundaries and expectations. Honestly our marriage was out of balance. My husband was selfish and I was taking on too much. I am the kind of person that does stuff and gets things done. At least for my husband's affair it was an escape for him. it could have been any woman. These women meant nothing to him. It was a fling and his way of pretending he had zero obligations or responsibilities and I am sure acting young and care free. None of it is right but he told me point blank when he left the house he ignored the fact he was married or a father. All horrible things but it puts into context what he was thinking. In the end I cannot take any of this personally.Sure it is hard we have been together a long time and married 20+ years. But these are his flaws and issues.
DeleteI made it clear he had to tell me everything and zero contact with these women. He had to tell me about anything that he says, does or happens around him that he would not do with me standing next to him. Initially, It was the working through information gathering and processing the pain of the affair. Then we moved into the looking at our marriage/relationship. Was this even a relationship either of us wanted to be in anymore? What did we want, need and expect from our marriage? How can we make it better so we are happy together. This has been our main focus for a while now and it is hard to change habits that are the way you have acted your entire life or for your entire relationship. Change is not easy and it requires constant work from both people. And still now the affairs come up but it is in a way to help us and improve the future.
That feeling of slipping back into old ways has happened many times for us. And time with friends has been an issue. The first year was all going through the pain and discovery then year two was more him dealing with and facing his issues. In year two I felt a major slipping back into old ways/habits. Nothing bad happened at all but it just felt like pre dday.
For my husband he was stressed out worrying about me and I think struggled to enjoy anything. I know it was his guilt. He has been 100% transparent so that was his entire focus was his good behavior. For me I saw everything as intertwined. His drinking, his friends etc. He would argue they knew nothing about what he did and none of it was connected. He has surrounded himself with guys guys that are not into spending time with their wives. I have no idea if they have cheated or not but I would never strive to have marriages like theirs whether there was cheating or not. And the alcohol was a major issue. I still believe he would have never cheated if he had not been drinking. I think it lowers his inhibitions, he makes poor decisions and he feels the depressive effects of alcohol. We have really focused on not only his behaviors/interactions with women but more so on his friends, drinking and decision making. It is exhausting since I feel like I am dealing with a teenager. These are part of the boundaries we set up. He came up with the idea of telling me who, when, where he was going but then he would plan out his night. What time he would be home, if he drank at all and how much he would drink. When he has had blips I have been very matter of fact that he has some decisions to make since giving him a second chance I am not going to live this life. Even if it happens once a year I want more from a husband and my life and I have higher expectations.
He recently went away with friends and wow is he different. He has changed so much both in how he acts, communicates with me and his drinking while he is out of town. It is dramatic. And he is doing this on his own. He is proud of himself and feeling better than ever. Sorry this is so long but I want to say it is possible for change it is challenging though and exhausting. Hang in there!
LP,
DeleteI appreciate your honesty and sharing your daily life with us.
Can I ask? Would you say you have an inner peace in your circumstances, any happiness?
I could summarize my situation similarly, but am waiting for a little more settling inside myself. Oh, and a really good belly laugh now and then!
Truth, like your name. I can say I have inner peace with ME. MY happiness is a work in progress as far as undoing all the shitty stuff that served me well for many years but was so unhealthy for me. I'm happier in my marriage that previous to the A. Do I have peace in my mind regarding my marriage - NO. Maybe this is wacky but I separate myself and my identity from my marriage. They are no longer one in the same like they used to be. MYSELF fits inside my marriage. It is like my marriage is a boot but it is not me. I'm the foot that I insert myself into that boot. You don't buy a foot with a boot, just the boot. I took me 3 years to get to this point and 3 years of IC. I still go back to my therapist for a check up or when something happens that I need to see the big picture. I also have to admit being on antidepressants for a year has helped me have a longer fuse about the affair so I don't trigger as much but I still think some little thing about it everyday. I just went to therapy and said, I just want to have some peace. The last year of my therapy was just finding MY inner peace. She gave me practice homework each week. It helped me to see things differently. I wish there was someway I could take a picture and post the handouts, which are self-explanatory. I made a book of them and look them when I'm struggling. If my H had not done the work, I would not be with him. But my inner peace that I worked for ME is mine all the time. You will get there. If you don't feel like letting go then hold on, my therapist would tell me something is unresolved if I hold on. I held on until I could figure it out. Once I identified what I was holding on to and why then I understood how to let it go. I know you will get there in your own good time. Not sure about the belly laugh part that still isn't very often. Maybe when you get to the belly laugh part you can help me.
DeleteLP,
DeleteYour words give me hope and courage. Thank you!
Izzy, have you considered asking your H to take a polygraph?
DeleteBrowneyedgirl , I wish I knew where to get one.that or if there was a truth serum I could give him.. but if he gets the flu this year and is sick I'll be sure and ask him some questions. ( he tends to ramble off at the mouth when his sick. And he doesn't remember )
DeleteIt's been 6 months and I still cry on a daily basis. Oh this is so hard. He is the one person I thought would never hurt me..
Izzy, read back through what you have written,
ReplyDeleteHe doesn’t spend time with me
He doesn’t help out with the chores
He is out fishing and with his friends all the time
Izzy this guy is showing you he couldn’t care less, and this is your chance to take control and put a stop to all of the Above. Stop waiting for him to throw you a bone, go out and do your own thing, let him think where’s Izzy she’s always out with her friends, stop cooking and cleaning for him until he treats you with respect. Stop putting this guy first, put yourself first!!. Izzy he can only treat you like this for as long as you let him. Figure out what it is you want from him? I’m sorry he’s behaving this way Izzy, you don’t have to put with it. If you havnt already read the page on boundaries it makes complete sense and if he doesn’t comply throw in some consequences, like him sleeping on the couch, no communication whatever it is that works for you. Wishing you the best Izzy you got this .. xxx
Sam A is so right on. Make respect the goal. You will be better off for it.
DeleteI have to share something. The other day I was scrolling Facebook and came across a post from the radio station that I used to listen to in the former state we lived in. It was called therapy day or something like that. Well this woman asked what to do after her husband of 30 years had an affair. He had ended it and said something about being caught up in some circumstances. I felt her pain but what made me mad was all of the comments that people posted. Run, dump him, you can never have trust again. I tried to give her something positive not all of the negative comments. It really pissed me off because not one of these people knew what the real story was. Just someone in pain asking for help. I posted on there to find this blog because of the support she would get no matter what she decides to do. I was so amazed at how many people were willing to tell her to throw away 30 years of marriage. Granted it's not going to be an easy journey for her but I told her only she can make that decision.
ReplyDeleteCathy
Kudos too you, Cathy, for reaching out and offering compassion and support rather than "advice". We have such a knee-jerk response to infidelity, which leaves so many of us feeling ashamed or forced into a response that doesn't feel right for us. To just give someone permission to take her time, to focus on her own pain and then to make the "next right step" is revolutionary. Sadly.
DeleteI think it is so true what has been said on here that infidelity is not talked about or really understood in our society. I know I would have thought no way would I stick with my husband if he did xyz. It is so true you never know what is going on and you never know what you would until you are in a situation. This site is so great since I feel like no matter where you are others are supportive. It is the only non judgmental place I have seen or experienced. I find it comforting even just to read what others write and their advice.
DeleteIzzy he is lying. He is lying lying lying. I was given the mini affair too... turns out it was 5 months and he had a second wife out of town.... o e that now is carrying his baby. A temp affair and he thought he could leave and it would all be in the past.... well When u treat a whole like a wife u get them thinking all sorts of crazy things.
DeleteThis is not ur case... I know. It's my nightmare. But look at his remorse. He is lying. Selfish soul destroying cowards. And whores...why is there so many whores out there. I could never.... for what? Meaningless lust.
I just had the weirdest trigger with my husband. We were eating at a Mexican restaurant . I told him to try the poblano I was eating and said it was not hot. He passed. Then he offered me a bite of his . I asked if it was hot he said no . I took a big bite and it was so hot I almost threw up . It took 30 minutes for me to feel ok again. But I was so pissed at him. I asked him if it was hot he said no but it was. Am I rediculous but I was like really . When he said no I believed him with all of my heart. And he was lying . Am I crazy but this just triggered me so bad . Why would he do that???
ReplyDeleteAnonymous, I think once you discern whether he genuinely didn't think it was spicy or whether he deliberately misled you (for whatever reason), then it's time to talk with him about lying. I came to understand, after D-Day, just how frequently my husband lied about stupid little things. He lied to avoid things he didn't want to do, he lied to not disappoint people, etc. I recalled something my husband had said to me years earlier when I was complaining about his mother and how difficult she is. He told me that he'd learned as a teen that it was easier to just not tell her anything and do what he wanted. If he got caught, he lied. He hated the judgement, the control, the disapproval. So...he avoided it by lying or deceiving. In his mind, no harm was done. In MY mind, it was dishonest.
DeleteAnd so...we talked about it. I made it clear that dishonesty is dishonesty in my books. Doesn't matter to me whether it's a big lie or a little one. And I got in the habit of calling him out on it every single time. Was the traffic really that bad or did you leave the office later than you're telling me? Do you really have other plans or did you just not want to do what that person was asking you? Etc. I also challenged myself to be as honest as I can ALL THE TIME. (I don't always succeed. ;)) It's really about setting an intention to do things differently and changing the way you two interact. Most people see that kind of thing harmless. A joke. Ha ha. You burned your mouth on hot food. And if you respond in anger, you can't take a joke. But that's not it at all. ESPECIALLY in the wake of D-Day, honesty is crucial. He needs to show you, day after day after day, that his word means something. That he can be trusted. So I don't actually think you over-reacted. I think you responded to another example of deception or lying. I think you reacted exactly like someone who's bloody fed up of being lied to would react.
Give yourself a break. And recognize that you responded in a way proportional to the pain that his lying has caused. And then talk to him about it. Explain why you reacted like did and how you can both set the intention to be more honest in all interactions.
I agree with Elle 100%. My husband did that often. He really had no idea how he was living his life. It almost felt like when I took a step back after dday that I was living with a middle school boy. Things that are not funny and you would not do to someone you love he did often. It was a huge wake up call. Nothing major but even the littlest thing would set me off. He would say he was going to do a load of laundry and I would be waiting for him to finish and realize he never started. He would say he forgot and what is the big deal. So many little things. And even now 2 1/2 years later he knows things will set off a reaction/trigger in me. It could be something minor but after this type of trauma I feel it is normal to react this way. My husband would also always defend others and not see their lies. If a friend would lie to his wife he would laugh it off. Well this got old fast. Again it was a lie about going to watch a game instead of being at work, getting a drink after work instead of being at work or going home etc. But to me these are lies and are wrong. If you want to go watch a game instead of going home be honest. I told him he needed to stop making excuses for others and even reconsider who he hangs out and spends his time with. I think for him it made it easier for him to lie since others around him did the same thing.
DeleteAnon, it might be something as simple as he actually didn’t think it was spicy. One thing I’ve learnt about men is that they are black and white. I doubt he did it to hurt you but that’s just my opinion. Obviously you know him better. Having had time to reflect on the situation what do you make of it now?? Xx
ReplyDeleteI know i overreacted for sure. It was more that i trusted him and he deceived me in that small moment. In my head it just threw me off. He has been doing everything right since dday . We are doing well for the most Part. I still think about the events of the affair a lot . It was two years of my life . It was a affair that was right in front of me . It’s hard not to pick every moment apart.
ReplyDeleteAnon, Only he can tell you if he was lying to you or not about this one time of course. But from my experience as I said above the reaction is normal for me. I am so sensitive to being lied to even in a small way. It does not matter if it is something minor or irrelevant. It was critical for my husband to understand the aftermath of what he created not only for himself and our marriage but the impact on me. This is not something you get over. I am sure people are all affected differently. Things my husband might make a joke about are not funny. He gets it now. We have had some major discussions related to this topic. And not that we can't laugh or have fun but he does need to tread lightly and think before he speaks or does something. This betrayal makes us second guess everything including ourselves. It is a lot to work through.
DeleteAnd honestly I have the same emotional and physical reaction if others lie to me especially my kids. One of my kids is similar to my husband more and more and those lies feel all too familiar. In a way it is good. I am able to recognize the smallest white lie. Before dday I would have let it slide. Now no way. I want my kids to know how they should act. At a certain point it will be up to them but right now they are at that point where I have the responsibility to show them by example and help them correct those bad behaviors and decisions.