Oh, how we suffer. In the hours and days and weeks and months following the discovery or disclosure of our partner's affair, we exist in an excruciating state of suspension. It hurts to breathe. It hurts to wake up. It hurts when he walks out the door and it hurts when he stays.
Everything hurts.
But, as I've noted before, sometimes it's what we do to ourselves in the wake of betrayal that hurts us even more.
The fantasies we conjure, for instance. You know the ones. Where we replay how we imagine their interaction went. Where she's witty and beautiful and sexy. Where he's besotted and generous. The truth often resembles nothing like this. But it's almost like we refuse to believe it. Why would anyone risk their marriage, their family for someone who wasn't dazzling and irresistible? It defies logic. And so we cling to this fantasy. Even when it's wrong. Even when it hurts us more.
Or we spend our days longing for things to be different. If only...we tell ourselves. If only he hadn't taken the job where he met her. If only we had insisted he stay home that night. If only we had seen what was happening sooner. Suffering, says Sylvia Boorstein, is our attachment to the idea that now could be otherwise. Spending our days wishing things were different only keeps us tethered to our suffering. It's not like suffering magically vanishes once we say to ourselves, "well, this is my reality so I might has well deal with it". But it does move in the direction of less suffering. It gives us back our power when we accept our situation. When we're so busy wringing our hands, we can't use them. When we let go of our attachment to the idea that things could be different (of course, they could. No matter what our reality is any day of our lives, things could be different...), we free ourselves of the Gordian knot that keeps us stuck.
How?
Well, you practice. If your self-esteem is a bit shaky (and whose isn't after our husbands cheat on us?), then you begin by shoring it up. You check the foundation and patch any cracks. You remind yourself that his cheating has nothing to do with your value. Rather it devalues him, not you. You're as great a catch as ever. You ensure that only those people who think you're awesome, a workshop leader I know calls them "super-fans", the people in your life who support every thing you do, are allowed into your life.
You switch up your affair fantasies. It's more likely true that the fairy tale you're imagining was a bit of a nightmare. I mostly hear stories of kinda crappy sex, miserable and/or unhinged Other Women, shame and self-disgust, feelings of being trapped. It's just as easy to change the channel in your brain to this less idealized (and more accurate) depiction. Imagine an Other Woman with room-clearing flatulence. Or an embarrassing laugh. Or whatever else makes her human and less threatening.
Try and catch yourself when you begin wandering down the "if only...." road. I went right back to the night my husband and I met. If only I had stayed home that night. If only I had said 'no' when he asked me out. Our life is not sliding doors. We're shaped by our choices and those of others. That's life. If, in hindsight, we want to review some of our choices with the clear eyes that come with time and perspective, then by all means, do it. We can all learn to pay more attention to our gut or our intuition or our inner wisdom or our self-respect. We can recognize when we're doing things we don't want to do.
But, mostly, we can release the idea that we had any real control over a decision that our partner made. We didn't make that choice, he did. And he did it for reasons of his own that he, if he wants us to consider giving him a second chance, needs to discern for himself.
Leave that with him.
Focus on you.
Wonderful, devastated you.
The kickass survival site for anyone who's ever been lied to, cheated on and left for dead.
This is so true. If I look at our relationship from the beginning to now, I would not wish that we had never met. We have two beautiful children that would never be the people they are. I wouldn't trade my 3 grand children for any others in the world. The pain of the past 3 years is real but I would never trade the life we built before my h had his mid life crisis and began his nightmare with the cow. I'm just so glad that I found this group of people here that truly understands the pain and struggle of living through betrayal! I'm grateful for the wisdom God has given Elle to continue this blog even though I know it can't have been an easy journey for her and must be a daily struggle to see the new women and men who venture into the world of healing post betrayal!
ReplyDeleteThanks Theresa. I, too, wouldn't give up what I have in order to have avoided the pain. And it can be tough to read some of the stories of the newly betrayed (it seems like a never-ending cascade of heartbreak) but, as I've said before, the warmth and kindness and compassion that you all respond with makes me so grateful for this community -- a community I wouldn't have were it not for the pain I went through. Silver linings indeed.
DeleteOh Elle – it’s as if you’re inside my head. I so needed this exact thing this morning.
ReplyDeleteI first want to say thank you to everyone who contributes to these boards. I was late in finding this group and felt so utterly alone during the first 2 months after DDay. I read blogs and various things but having real life people to interact with who “get it” … it’s a life saver!
Last week I was struggling with the fact that I didn’t leave when I found out about the OW. I had divorce papers drawn up, signed & notarized … all I had to do was fill out the financial piece at home that same day. I came home – I was ready to push him out the door … I tore up EVERY single card from him that I could find. I threw all of his clothing out of the bedroom. I chucked my ring at him. I … calmed down, we talked, we had sex like we’d never had sex before … and I stayed. He swore he was done. He said he’d cut off ties. That I’d put the fear of God in her by saying if she didn’t move on I’d out to her to her husband … I was sure that was that and we’d be ready to move on. So I stayed. I stayed, I put on boxing gloves, I put on my fanciest dress and I played the pick-me dance because it wasn’t long before I realized that “that’s that” wasn’t really over … I became the sex goddess, I said all the right things, I stroked his ego … then July 8 I found out I was pregnant. And still – I stayed. I stayed and begged him to love me again.
Not once did he have to beg me to stay. Not once did he have to profess his undying love to me. Not once did he have to promise me he’d changed … that he’d never do this again … NOT ONCE! Because I was doing all the work.
Thursday I went to a funeral for a friend who I knew in my crazy days pre-husband. She and I were underage and hanging out with an older crowd doing all kinds of amazing and crazy things. She was 40 and died in her sleep. While I hadn’t seen her in ages, her passing hit me pretty hard. It was a quick reminder just how short life is. It also gave me a chance to reminisce about the old days and the person I was. I’ve thought about that quite often over the past 4 months – the “old Kimberly” … who was she, what did you love about her, what can you bring back. And … truth be known … it helped me to realize why my affair happened 4 years ago. Yes (hanging head) … I was the OW – even if undiscovered, I was the OW. Guilt, shame … I know the feelings H must be feeling and I’ve tried to remember that when all I really want to do is scream and yell.
This weekend was rough. After the funeral I was ready to forgive. To put down my pack of burden and suffering and just let be what be happen. But as soon as my heart made that decision, my brain took over. It’s like the hypervigilance kicked in and the thought of trusting again turned the negative thoughts into overdrive.
H has done nothing to make me feel like I can’t trust him. He’s attentive, he’s thoughtful, he’s making strides … but my bullshit meter is going hay wire and I can’t trust that what he’s doing is real. Does that make sense at all?
I’m so tired. Tired of the affair. Tired of the mistrust. Tired of being on guard at all times. Tired of second guessing myself for making myself the fool waiting for the shoe to drop.
I want more than anything to believe I’m the catch of the century … but today … the negative voices are winning.
Kimberly,
DeleteI'm sorry you're having a tough day. Sometimes, the best we can do on those days in hold on and trust that things will get better. And sometimes too, within those tough days, is some wisdom waiting to be tapped.
The mistrust, the hyper-vigilance you're feeling is, as StillStanding1 wrote so beautifully the other day, pretty normal, under the circumstances. But, as she also wrote, you can take steps to minimize it. Whether or not he's cheating, holding your breath won't change anything. It will simply make it impossible to enjoy what's in front of your right now.
Give StillStanding1's post a re-read and see if it helps.
Wait huh? U had an affair on your husband first and u are upset with him having an affair? Um... does he Know?? Try telling him. I'm no therapst but if you are going to make your marriage work and I'm reading this right you have to both be 100 percent honest. Don't decieved him and expect any less. You reap what you sow and perhaps karma is dealing you your hand back. Deal with it humbly and with the mind that you are also very very much at fault for ruining LIVES maybe there can be forgiveness and then hope for your marriage. What about the wife of your affair??? Thought about that?? I'd love for my husbands OW to have a karma visit too but not like this. It only keeps infedelity and all its horrors growing and it's the undeserved I feel sorry for... not those who have CHOSEN this pain for themselves.
DeleteOkay so i discovered my H (pre d day) use to talk to friends and coworkers about hot women... joke about doing hot women asking if randoms were hot etc. I told him this is not appropriate and he gave me the "are you serious" look. One of the "jokes" about doing another woman was his OW but he thought it was okay because the comment happened before the affair and it was him prompting his friend to have sex with her. All jokinginly of course!!! SICK. He tells me this is just how guys talk. I'm drawing a line and told him it insults me. It insults our family and is no longer acceptable. I told him if he cannot say it in front of me OR his children that it is NOT acceptable. He accepted this VERY reluctantly eith eye rolls and eyes closing and a nod "okay okay fine." I can't even believe I am here. Can someone give me their thoughts??? I married a 15 year old boy. And then bore his children!!! Who are more emotionally mature then him BY the way.
DeleteAnon 8:27 pm. Has he been this way since you have known him? "It is just how guys talk is a rationalization and justification but in the end just an empty excuse. He really sounds like he needs some new friends. Does he truly understand why this is not acceptable? Does he understand how it hurts you? When expressing my displeasure I start by saying, in this situation, "I feel" devalued, hurt, angry, surprised, I have to talk to you like a mother not a partner, which I don't like, uncertain about you. If he understands what this does to YOU then maybe he can understand why he needs to change his conversation. Can you make a plan to do something as a family which is fun instead of him going off with his friends which sound very toxic to a marriage? Does any other woman on BWC know how to handle when your H friends are not good for your marriage?
DeleteThank you xo
ReplyDeleteI have no reasons to be so sad at this point? My husband is working so hard and he's trying so hard. I still have my marriage and his love. I am trying to find that safety again that's all I'm missing. It's hard...I believe if I can find this safety back in my marriage we are on the road to recovery. I'm scared to let my guard down but I also know once I do I will take some of this UNWANTED pain away. Why is it so hard when the outcome can be so rewarding for my marriage...I'm working hard everyday. Didn't ask to add this extra stress on me but I'm still not giving up.
ReplyDeleteWhy is it so hard? Because if you're like me ... this came out of a blind spot and you're in constant fear that the blind spot will come again. I found a quote today that said "I'm not afraid to try again I'm just afraid of getting hurt for the same reason."
DeleteI struggle with giving my H way more credit in his deception than he truly deserves. And as a result, I constantly fear that he's learned as much as I have about deception and that he's learning to stand in front of me and lie direct to my face - when he's never been good at it before.
This had blind sided me most definitely. It's upsetting as he's being so amazing and yet I'm stuck right now. The DAMN what if''s keep interfering in my moving forward.
DeleteTHB and Kimberly,
DeleteWe feel what we feel. We can't control the feelings but we can control our actions. And beating ourselves up for our feelings doesn't make them go away, it just adds a level of guilt or frustration or self-loathing on top of everything else. Why are you sad? You're sad because you're grieving the loss of the marriage you thought you had. That's a very sad thing and it will take as long as it takes. Counter-intuitively, giving yourself permission to be sad can often reduce the sadness. Just let yourself feel it. Don't tell yourself it should be different or you should feel differently. You won't feel sad forever. But you feel sad now. And that's okay.
Oh Elle - I haven't even read all the comments, but like others have said you are once again writing exactly what I need in this moment. I came here today to write something - I wasn't sure what or where - but I needed some support and your post was perfect. I know that once again my situation is pretty unique because my husband does still work with the OW, but I also know that so much of what you all feel is exactly what I feel, so I need to heal this anyway. I think I just feel stuck in the past, or the "if only" as you say here. If only a choice I had made was different in the past, or if only even since dday I had insisted he leave his job or insist it now...and yet when I look at our situation from a step back I don't think it has to be so black and white. But maybe I am just being too naieve, too.
ReplyDeleteStruggling today...not sure what the words are just struggling to trust and let go of the fear.
Jules, you feel insecure. If you feel insecure, then what would make you secure? Talk about it with you H. Just tell him I feel very insecure about you working with the OW. Tell him what he can to to help you. Discuss the possibility of him finding another job. Just discuss it, you not demanding anything. Maybe you might feel better if you could bring him lunch randomly to work. Everyone at his work seeing your presence makes a statement. What made me feel better is I established a presence even though I wasn't there. Here is what I did- I brought him a fancy coffee in the morning, I had cleavage showing too. Tell his co-workers good morning as they came by then leave. I would write notes and put it in his pocket. I would randomly bring him lunch (I insisted we eat in the board room) or randomly show up and take him to lunch. I would drop by to ask his opinion on something. If he had a meeting, I would wait in his office. I reminded him you are work and we are still connected. You want that connection even though he is at work. I felt very awkward at first but then it became normal. Soon he would call me and ask if I was coming by. Then I felt safer. I also sent him seductive text - "Your in my inappropriate thoughts". "Guess what color of panties i have on?". This isn't pick me it is flirty. I had to learn how to flirt again, by the way. My H loves it when I flirt with him. Being assertive but not in a bitchy way - I had to learn that too.
DeleteOkay,thank you. Looking forward to not always feel so sad, it's exhausting :(
ReplyDeleteI need advice, my H has approached me several times in the past 5 years on his "sexual unhappiness" ad I have not taken it seriously or tried to make things better. He promised me today that he WILL give me the respect to approach me again IF he starts to feel this way again and NOT be unfaithful for a second time. He reminds me daily "I want YOU, I am so sorry for this pain I have caused, I will NEVER do this to you again" He seems genuine about this and reminds me of that every time we talk when I'm sad. I would like to believe him as it would make this journey a little easier...should I believe him? He promised to voice out once again if things are heading back to the way things were that led to his first infidelity....
ReplyDeleteTrulyheartbrokenhearted
DeleteI'm not sure anyone can tell you how to respond to your h and his promises. I'm sure we've all had those doubts about that promise. Even 3 years past those doubts can creep up on me. However, I'm working through the doubts one day at a time while watching how he treats me on a daily basis. My marriage is 39 years old and we've had ups and downs these years but nothing compared to his decision to have sex with another woman. He's had to work really hard and on a daily basis to keep my heart moving forward. Takes time and I too thought it would be faster than this but what I know now is it just takes as long as it takes and then you can still have doubts and triggers and the constant life struggles to get through to a better tomorrow. Sending hugs.
To me it does not matter what the challenge is in a marriage there are a million better ways to deal with it than having an affair. For us it has been about figuring out what kind of marriage we both want and if it will work between us. And sex and intimacy is a big part but not everything. For me there had to be no contact, no inappropriate behavior with any women, and many other boundaries in place beyond ever sleeping with someone else.I think that is a step in the right direction for him to say that. My husband told me if he was ever unhappy with us or had feelings of not wanting to be faithful he would tell me. It was a good thing to verbalize but I took it was a grain of salt again asking him to prove to me by his actions. Again at least for us words are good but I want to see action backing up those words. And my husband had a high hurdle. He lied to my face multiple times over the years. I asked him directly about other women since I was not naive that something could happen and at least three times he looked me in the eye when asking if he ever got attention from other women or had any women interested him he would say "no never, nothing like that ever happens, etc.). So I want to see him in action.
DeleteHopeful - My husband has told me over and over he would tell me if he feels unhappy again and neglected just as your husband said. How did that make you feel when he said that? Did that give you a little more confidence?
DeleteTrulyheartbroken - I would encourage the two of you to talk a little more about the “why” he chose to go outside your marriage. It’s more than the sex for my situation. It was him being lost and getting caught up in the excitement of something new and multiple women stroking his ego.
DeleteI got overloaded with my job, the kids, the oil changes, house maintenance, etc and he literally left it all on my plate for years. After many years of him being a non participant with the kids, etc, i got tired of pleading for help and stressing the importance of being my partner in this marriage and parent journey. I moved on when he refused to step up, and unfortunately he chose to move outside our marriage. He turned 50 and was at a crossroads. Lost weight and got in shape and tossed the kids and i to the side while he met his selfish needs. So it’s more than sex sometimes, so investigate that. We read the 5 Love Languages book by Chapman and I realized we have very different love languages and as glaring as it was, we just never spoke up about what was important to us and filled our tank.
Keeping the lines of communication are important and a daily chore. It’s hard to plow through it. I hope that as things get more and more transparent that it just gets easier. We’ve moved boulders in our 2.5 years since Dday and we still find it hard to get past some.
Keep on keeping on. Just don’t be hard on yourself that you failed even when he brought it up. He more than likely failed in areas that were important to you as well. Just as you want him to speak up when he’s unhappy, you also need to find your voice. You are so worth it!
Trulyheartbroken- my husband also had issues pre marriage with self worth. He grew up with divorce and at 16 lost his dad. His stepfather physically abused him and mother mentally abused. We never had a huge conversation about all this pain, but looking back, i can see this had set him up to continuously seek validation from others. It all makes sense now. So with some there are early issues of feeling loved and accepted as well. As a wife it’s not like you can fill a void that has been missing for years. His mom let him down and my role wasn’t going to be easy. Unless you come from that background you have no idea about that pain to run and tackle it.
DeleteI went through feeling different emotions. I was glad he offered those assurances. However i was skeptical. Due to my husbands profession and also him telling me that he knew what he was doing was horrible before he did it made me question if he was being genuine or if he could follow through. It sounded to me like something good to say at the moment. But if caught in the same situation would he really follow that promise. We had talked about this tyke is stuff in our last and assured me that it would never happen. And as he has told me he has the luxury of knowing i never would do the same to him. In the end he agreed that it was a good promise and statement but it needed to be followed up by action and following boundaries that supported it.
DeleteTHB, I would want to know how does he act when he is sexually unhappy? Word are just words. My husband was not sexually satisfied and I wasn't. I learned from him how to not like sex. He was rough, one and done, a selfish lover. So then I just checked the box and it was a routine and boring as watching grass grow. I came out and asked my H - What could I do to make you feel appreciated? What could I do to make you feel loved? What could I do that is better in bed? I explained to him what I didn't like about his type of sex. He was surprised but as I explained and gave his several examples, he remembers and felt bad. I said, "Remember when I would ask you to make sweet tender love to me?" Do you remember when you bruised my nipples and showed then to you? I was surprised about how simple it was to make him feel sexually good. Some it is had nothing to do with sex. He asked me to make out with him on the couch. He wanted to hold my hand while we watched TV. He wanted me to initiate sex often instead of him. He wanted me to wear sexy but comfortable night gowns and throw out the don't fuck me ones. He wanted maybe 5 minutes in the morning to cuddle and make out. This is simple stuff. Not at all what I thought he was going to say like - Wear a teddy with heels, stand on your head, while I tie you to the bed etc. It was teenage flirty stiff, simple stuff. I was surprised. You can never be sure he is telling truth and wondering about something that may not happen will drive you crazy. You can only try to correct what is missing. This is not pick me stuff but normal marriage stuff when 2 people love each other. In my head it was hard to separate the pick me game, act like an AP and showing wife love.
DeleteLLP I think you are so right. At a certain point the conversations have to be had and in detail. I know we have talked about things my friends nor my husbands friends have ever spoken to their spouses about. We actually talked time to time about these things but not enough. I think to go along with this the Love Language book is helpful. I really makes you realize what works for each of you and what is important. My husband's highest love language is touch and that is my lowest. So of course I never think to hold his had, initiate a kiss, rub back, scratch him.... But it is so simple what he wants. And he realized I wanted help without asking for it or having to give him a to do list. It really was so simple both ways. And even if we are busy and less connected if we both make an effort towards each other it helps so much. If you get a chance read the article Masters of Love in The Atlantic. It is a great article about marriage and communication. It was one of the few things my husband read and he brought home and showed it to me. It was a game changer for him. It is by Gottman and is so good.
DeleteThis is so true: "Suffering is our attachment to the idea that now could be otherwise." I truly think that now COULD be otherwise and I can't understand why it is not.
ReplyDeleteLiving with a toddler, I see how quickly hurt and sadness can be forgotten, as my child is caught up in the joy of the moment. But I guess the horrible burden of being an adult is that we can remember, we can imagine, and we have the illusion of control or being able to alter our circumstances...
I can't stop feeling that all of this situation is so unnecessary. I cannot still admit to myself that (for whatever unspoken and certainly not conscious reason) my husband CHOSE to turn his back. And... this is the really crazy part... he seems to think we can be great friends now.
I do not feel hatred towards him. But I cannot be his friend in these circumstances. At the moment I am faced with a really difficult choice. If I stay geographically close, our child sees both her parents, but I am far from my homeland and better career prospects. If I move (with her), she will not see her father very much... and I will be even more of a solo parent than I already am.
Suffering is also feeling that you have responsibility for the welfare of others (like my daughter) but that you are being blocked or unable to give them everything you wish they could have.
Selkie, I have some thoughts for you. They are just my opinion and have a lot to do with my own rumblings, but I want to think about what is best for you in this situation and not just now but in the long term.
DeleteLike you, I do not feel hatred toward my ex. I'm angry sometimes, resentful sometimes, disappointed and often just really sad for him (and me too). I remain on good terms with him because this is good for our kids. But I know in my heart that if there were no kids the situation and my choices would be vastly different and I would have little to know contact except for matters of business. Mine too seems to think we can still be great friends because we had started that way and for a long time still were. Its not my job to bring home the truth that our friendship, without a tremendous amount of work and a lot of ongoing apologies, will never be the same.
The thing is, consciously or unconsciously, he made and continues to make shitty choices. There are consequences for his choices. The responsibility for him seeing his daughter is with him to a large degree. Your child will grow up and leave the nest some day. Think about where you want to be with your life and career when that happens. Think about what it would be like to move back to your homeland (be closer to extended family support I assume) and have those better career prospects (this is a huge deal). How does that feel in your body? In your head? and then think about staying close geographically and the size of that economic sacrifice? How does it feel when you think about that?
If you go to your home country, then it is on him to figure out how he gets to see her and the financial impact of the travel. It's not your job to make that easy for him at the sacrifice of your own well being. It may involve a different sacrifice from you. Maybe your child will need to spend a month every summer with him, away from you.
I would encourage you to think about the pros and cons of each, talk it through with a counselor (if you are seeing on), visit a lawyer to talk about the child custody ramifications and how it might work, ask opinions for people besides me.
But in all of this put yourself in the center of your story. I feel like when you are considering staying nearby, you may be having your H still in the middle. Its hard to remember that with their choices they have freed us of being responsible for making them OK.
That's my rant. I'll disclose that as my divorce was finalized, I'm angry about sacrificing my career and losing the economic investment I made in his. I'm pissed. It's a feminist issue for me. And I don't want to see women making economic sacrifices that have long term consequences.
Jane Austen said 'Single women have a dreadful propensity to being poor." This is back in the early 1800s. How sad is it that this is still true.
Selkie, ultimately the choice is yours (regardless of what I've said above). You don't need to make a decision right now. Sit with it, let things unfold, allow for more information to come your way (even or especially if that info is from your gut or heart). God bless Selkie. All will be well.
I agree with all of your insights. Based on how your husband/father of your daughter will handle this will reveal your options. Child custody does vary by state and if he is agreeable then you can set up what you want but many people are not agreeable and then it can take a lot of professionals and hours in court. It really just depends. Typically the person who challenges has to pay all of the legal and professional costs. However if he is flexible it can be an option. Find a good attorney and a good psychologist that does child custody work in your state. Unless you know he would not challenge it at all then I think as SS1 said you have to ask yourself those questions.
DeleteThank you, Still Standing 1. Good points in there. I need to talk over my options with a professional- you're right.
DeleteI have spent so long thinking of us as a family that it is really weird to cut loose. But that is really the only way out of this limbo.
With time, I hope I will feel strong enough to start everything again and be a good parent to my little one who will surely be asking me where her 'papa' is.
Next step, arrange time for myself to reflect and explore options. Then, consult a legal advisor.
Hopeful30, my h is very floaty about anything involving responsibility. So far, he is refusing any practical progress.. but he has said more than once that it would serve him right if he never saw his daughter. Self-centred melodramatic nonsense, but I think it shows he is not planning to contest anything about custody.
So all the responsibility lies with me for our daughter's future.
Thank you both for your replies. It really does help me to know that you care and understand.