This comment appeared below the All-you-need-to-know post-infidelity guide to quashing hyper-vigilance but it really applies to anyone who find themselves here with that perennial question: How will I survive this? While she speaks from the perspective of a wife whose husband responded by making sure he deserved the second chance he was offered. But much of what she says is about learning to take care of you.
Ok here goes...
I am 2.5 years from D-Day 1, almost 2 years from the final D-Day.
It does get better. I promise.
When I first found out, and I read that it would take years to get over this, I honestly thought "screw it." I was sorely tempted to chuck my tattered marriage away but something stopped me. That something initially was my kids, because I didn't want to put them through the trauma of a complicated divorce.
Then I started to see small changes in him. He made the effort to keep me in the loop, involved me in his work, talked about everything and anything, trusted me with his harrowing childhood stories. I slowly, slowly realised that his infidelity was his (terrible) way of escaping, of pushing boundaries, of holding on to something deep within himself that he was scared to live without, because he had never felt good enough, loved enough, safe enough to let go. He messed up and I hated him. I really hated him. I probably hated him for a year solid. He saw me become horribly thin both physically and mentally. I became a ghost person. I wasn't inhabiting my own skin. Instead my heart and mind were locked in another place, piecing together the fragments of truth and hiding from the pain. But you know what? He was there, he rode the wild donkey alongside me, he took my shit but wasn't afraid to call me out when I needed it.
Now, after a lot of work on both our parts, things are different. I hesitate to say better, although they are a vast improvement on the months following dday. We cannot go back, no matter how much living in a bubble can seem appealling. We live in the here and now in all its dirty, messy, beautiful glory. And, shocking as it may sound, I wouldn't have it any other way.
As a result of trauma, of having my world turned upside down, I have been forced to face myself and my own demons. I know myself and I love who I am. Sure, I wish I had behaved with a bit more dignity at time (yeah...the OW heard a few unpleasant truths from me).
To the newly betrayed....you really have got this. It isn't about you but it is an opportunity to make it about you, to put yourself first and realise that you can deal with this shit and come out of it a stronger woman, deserving of love, kindness and honesty.
Hazel
The kickass survival site for anyone who's ever been lied to, cheated on and left for dead.
I could not agree with this more. I am 2 1/2 years past dday. I thought there was no way I would make it through the pain. I had never experienced anything like it. I received great support from my therapist but honestly it was the words of other women here and especially Elle. She urged me to take it one day at a time, not focus on the future, get the answers I need, focus on me, set boundaries, and most of all truly give my husband the second chance if he was willing to make changes. I know I held back to protect myself and hesitated about becoming vulnerable. In the end if I wanted to give this marriage a chance I had to start ever so slowly to give him the opportunity to make changes. He has proven himself over and over. I stayed at first because of my kids and I am glad they gave me reason to work through the hardest time of my entire life. It will always be part of us and our story. He owns it 100% but it has led to us moving forward. There are still hard moments and days but there are more good than bad and what we have together I treasure. If for some reason it ever is not right for either of us I sleep well at night knowing I gave my all and was true and honest to myself and that is all I can do.
ReplyDeleteThis is encouraging to read. I want to believe my husband and all his words. I want to believe that he couldn't be that cruel as to stomp over and over on my heart and lie to me everyday, he can't be that good of an actor. I am also trying to believe him when he says " it was a terrible mistake not a behavior pattern" I just want to believe him :(
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This is where I am at now hopeful 30... my husband is doing every thing right, I want to believe his words and actions but I'm scared? When did you or how did you finally get to do that? Did it help your hurt subeside a little once you did? Was it a positive move? I want to let my guard down and give him the chance to prove himself but I'm scared...when and how did you give your husband that chance?
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trulyheartbroken, This was a major process with ups and downs. Looking back I am amazed I made it and we are still together. So I do not want it to sound like it was easy. There were major highs and then it would feel hopeless again. It is hard to comprehend that he was able to do what he did. In the end at least my husband said literally once he walked out the door he ignored/forgot that he was a husband and a father and did whatever he wanted. All terrible but gives some sense of his frame of mind.
DeleteFor me personally I struggled that he did all of this over 10 years. Granted both affairs were sporadic but the fact that he did it for 10 years was mentally hard for me. He also has told me that his main reason was that he was not ready to get married when we did. This is a struggle for me since he was the one who pushed and initiated all of that. I never brought up or talked about marriage until we were engaged. I think it is maybe more of a reason/excuse when he reflects now vs at the time if that makes sense.
For us I feel like we were able to progress quickly since he broke up with both ow 15 months before dday. He had been over it all for a long time. Not to say he didn't have areas to improve or work on but we did not have to deal with either ow beyond a couple of texts, voice mails and texts from one of the ow friends.
In the end my husband could say all he wanted to say and he is a mental health professional so he knew the right things to say from day one. But it really was him needing to back up those words with actions. As he told me love is a verb and not a feeling. He has told me he did not know what he wanted on dday or what he was capable of doing. He had lived his life 100% for himself and with too many lies to count. He gave himself 6 months to change. He was not doing anything wrong at that point but he meant change to not be focused on himself and to prioritize his life. It was a slow process of him showing me over and over. And if he had even the slightest misstep like not texting me when he said he would it would set me back. Or even not telling me something small and minor. I had to explain to him over and over that even if he is not cheating or doing anything wrong with a woman his behaviors and choices have made me leery and cautious about everything he does. And honestly I remember one therapy session where my therapist said at a certain point I needed to be okay with a little bit of vulnerability. And my therapist said I had set the boundaries and my husband had changed a lot and proved himself over and over and it was time to give him some more rope and see what he did with it. So basically would he make good decisions or hang himself.
It has all been positive. At a certain point I realized I was not living my life and I could not go on in that state forever. There is a time and place to protect yourself as you process all of this and set boundaries and expectations. It came with time and lots of work and him proving himself over and over. I think overall the most important thing is once we were past the initial pain and resetting our marriage was then to work on expectations and communication. Really that is critical for each of us to thrive. Again this will always be part of our marriage but we got to the point where it was not the focus but instead the focus was what kind of marriage did we want and how could we have the best marriage. Give yourself time and go day by day. If your husband is doing the right things then tell him that. If you need space let him know. There were times where I said he was doing everything right but that I was cautious and needed space. He understood. Or if I needed something different from him I would tell him.
One last thing I said so many times to my therapist that I felt like my husband was acting. My therapist finally after 15 months did tell me that there was no way someone could hold it together that good every day and if he could he should go to Hollywood to be an actor. That did make me laugh.
Hopeful - I want you to know how that fills my heart to hear your story. Knowing how I feel right now, this pain and fear is not easy and you are fighting it and beating this monster.I am happy how far you've come and could only wish I had your strength. Sharing your story with me, a total stranger, is heart whelming. Thank you and I hope to be where you and your husband are today myself. My husband is AN AMAZING MAN, I love him with all my heart and can not picture the rest of my life without him. It kills me that he did what he did but I can finally come to terms and realize he made a huge mistake, this is not him and he is proving himself everyday. I have forgiven him and know deep in my heart he is not a monster or evil. Is that a good sign being able to have processed this in 2 and a half months since DDay? I feel I am making progress every day. I am not as sad as I was last week or delusional as I was 1 month ago. Day by day I do feel improvement and see a little more hope. This is a shitty thing to go through and I don't wish this hurt and pain on anyone. I am sorry to all you woman on here makes me sad we have to suffer do to others selfishness but as I'm reading a lot of posts and stories I believe I may come out of this nightmare with umendeous strength I never knew I had. I don't have much memory of the day I found out but I do remember yelling at him "I want my life ( marriage) back, give it back, you had no right to take it away from me" today almost 3 months later I know I don't want my old life (marriage) back, I am working on better, stronger and a more exciting marriage full of love,communication and openess. For now, today, I am taking it day by day. I cry when I need to and that is therapeutic for me. Working on believing him and his words. I hope I get to that someday...
DeleteTrulyheartbroken
DeleteI'm following Hopeful30 in so much of our timeline and she has always in addition to many others that have really understood that it's up to ourselves to heal ourselves but and this is the big but, it also depends on how hard your h is working to prove he's making the changes necessary to enable you to believe and heal over time and many trials and errors. It is possible!
I have read this at least 7 times now...and will continue to read this post every day. I am so thankful for this blog of such amazing woman who not only are helping me through this day by day but the amount of compassion I read and feel is truly uplifting considering the hurt we are all feeling. You woman are all strangers to me but yet I feel so close and connected not to mention cared for. Thank you for all your words of wisdom, your advice and mostly opening your heart to a complete stranger. Today is a good day for me, I have had a few thoughts of the affair but for the first time today in months I've been able to shrug it off with a slight shake to my head followed by a smile reminding me I haven't lost everything. I have been practicing this so much and it always failed BUT today I was able to do it! It really works. I couldn't believe it after I did it, I though wow I didn't immediately start crying? So for that today is a good day. Thank you for listen to my rant and I hope and wish for everyone on this blog to have a special moment like a did today and today is a good day for you as well.
ReplyDeleteXoxoxoxox
I'm so glad you had that experience today! I remember when I had a similar experience when I first began to read and post. I truly felt like this had saved my sanity! Hugs!
DeleteThat is great and it is so important to see the positives. I think that is a major turning point. Once you can start to see the good and look back and see how far you have come it makes each day easier and better. And you are right we are so lucky to have this site. For me it is the "me too" feeling I get when I am here. To not feel so alone or like you are the only one is so powerful.
DeleteBeing a part of this site is saving my sanity and making me realize Im not going totally crazy. Right now today I am working very hard to just believe his word, His promises and his constant reassurance. Thats all I have to work with to think positive. He is My rock, my best friend and my only ever real love. I am really having a hard time believing he would continue this charade and be as evil as playing me for a fool? I forgave him because I know even the good make terrible mistakes and his remorse, hurt and tears show me he is affected also and ashamed with guilt of the pain he caused me as he tells me quite often. I also know i did not marry a monster or an actor. So why am I stuck? When will it sink in my brain he's terribly sorry and he will never do this to me again? Today is a good day yes bUT I am also scared to be happy for just a moment.
DeleteXoxoxox
For me forgiveness was more for me. At a certain point it was the past. It did not mean it was forgotten or never discussed or that it never affected me. But it was less of a burden on me. I also saw a change in my husband once I forgave him. I saw him go from appology mode to working on himself. It was as if he was so worried about me and helping me that was all he could handle. I think also until I started to feel better and needed less support he just could not deal with what he had done. What surprised me the most was once i felt better how much time and effort it took him to cope with what he has done. And honestly I think it will always affect him more than me. At first I was overwhelmed but as i learned more about affairs and that it was about him and not me or even our marriage it chang d how I saw things. This changed our dynamic. Don’t get me wrong i still get emotional and have strong feelings but I would say I am more natter of fact about things. I have more clarity.
DeleteTruly heart broken,
DeleteYour question about when can you be certain that he will never do this again. Girl, do I connect with that question!!! (Pretty sure we all do). Here's what I've come to know for me on that: never. I will never have that feeling, that certainty again. How could I? It's a loss. A BIG loss to lose that certainty. I had to sit lots of times and really mourn that loss. I sometimes still miss that certainty and security. But here's the thing, it was never real. I was not safe back then. My certainty and security were fantasized. Even people who have not yet or may never experience infidelity are fantasizing when they tell themselves that they're certain their spouse will not cheat. So while the fantasy feels good, it doesn't help you live your life especially once you know the truth. The truth is this: anyone's life can change in an instant due to no fault of their own in a number of ways. It's unsettling, but once you embrace that and look every day you're given straight in the eye, you can live in an even more fulfilling way than you were with the certainty fantasy you had. One day at a time, making adjustments when you need to, and with the knowledge that you are complete even if others let you down. That certainty fantasy is tempting and felt easier, but the truth is where your strength lives. Mourn the loss of the fantasy, but the beauty in living a life in the truth of the uncertainty is all around you and ready for you. When I hear non betrayed people say things like, "well, at least I know my H would never do that to me." I smile for them. I loved that feeling, but I also know it's not based in truth and it may actually be setting them up to miss or dismiss small indications that their life is not what they thought it was. I can now say that I don't think I'd choose to go back and live in that fantasy (took a long time!). I just know the pain on the other side for so many. I wouldn't want to risk it. Living without that fantasy feels like my diploma. I wouldn't want to give up the diploma although I do not want to go through that "school" again. Here's hoping none of us do!! I do what I can, but must surrender to the possibility and live regardless. Hugs to you today!
Hopeful & Ann - just wow, everyone here is more helpful for me on this terrible journey then my therapist. I have made huge improvements since joining you all, I'm in awe right now. You guys are real and feel or felt what the same as I do and EVERYTHING you write, advise or suggest is all so HELPFUL to me...thank you from the bottom of my heart. This site is what I needed all along. Having you guys in my life right now is what I needed. I can't believe the change in my self-confidence, way of though and realistic beliefs since joining you all. Big hugs to all you WARRIORS and looking forward to be in a better place myself to be able to help the unfortunate new betrayed that will join.
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Truly heart broken,
DeleteI agree with Ann.. for me the answer is Never also.
Several years ago I found out my husband was texting another woman, oh he says it was just friend talk and she was talking to him about a guy he knew because she was in love with him. Well I don't buy that because why would a married man want to talk with a woman about another man? Well I put a big red X on the calendar and told him I better never see her phone number on our bill again after that date. Well things got better I felt safe secure and I knew my husband would never never break my heart or cheat on me! ( my ex-husband cheated on me and it was devastating ) and my current husband knew this and knew how upsetting it was to me and from day one he swore that would never happen again! Well fast forward about 7 or 8 years while my husband is gone away on a three-day business trip I just have to look at the phone bill because he just isn't talking to me very much. Well lo and behold he is texting this one phone number like wildfire so I Googled the number and I found out it belongs to some married whore. He swears up and down that it was just talk and nothing ever happened. But I don't know that for a fact. Shortly after that he's had erectile dysfunction. Twice during sex with me he's just gone limp. He says his back hurts or he just can't concentrate. I call bullshit.. in the 20-plus years we've been together he's never had that problem he says he's old lol he's barely 40.
I just don't see how when you say you love somebody more than anything in this world that you could be so senseless and hurt us the way they have.
My H doesn't seem very remorseful but then again he says because it was only talk. I hope and pray that that is all it was. But I will promise one thing no matter how old I am this will never never happen again because then he'll be out on his damn ear. And then he can talk and listen to them whores all he wants.
I've yet to forgive him for this and I don't know if I can.
Good luck.
Izzy
I have read this over and over, too...along with the comment from Hopeful 30. Another time where I am just nodding as hard as I can saying "yes, yes, yes." I am just over 18 months out from Dday, and I think both of us stayed in the beginning for the kids. However, I know part of it was hysterical bonding, but I know another part of it was just plain bonding that we hadn't done or felt in years right after Dday and I know that was real. It wasn't just about the kids. I felt it. While there are some days still that I look at our kids and I know that on that day it is only about them because I feel fear or hate or whatever, I know at the end of the day it is more than that. We are getting back to the love - real love - the connection, real emotional connection and the laughter. It is there.
ReplyDeleteI am scared at some point in ever day. A big part of that is the work situation, I won't lie. But it really is just that fear of having to go back to the deep intense hurt of finding out the one you love betrayed you. I pray that never happens again. I had a dark moment this morning when I wanted to revert back to a place of the past - of snooping, of being dishonest myself in trying to find out what was going on and then I reminded myself that was the past me. That was responding to a trigger from the past. That would mean reverting back to an old version of me that I never want to go back to.
As so many of you have reminded me, most recently TryingHard (thank you) - I have to get back to trusting myself. And part of trusting myself is really being the person I want to be. Not a spy, or snooper or person who looks at what is lacking in my husband or myself or my kids...I want to be a person who trusts myself, who loves who I see in the mirror, who looks at those closest to me through a lens of love and gratitude for all we DO have...not what is missing.
I am slowly starting to trust myself more. And that is good.
I call this a work in progress! One day at a time!
DeleteLately it has been challenging for me since my husband has been more committed than ever. It feels too good to be true. I still like to not get ahead of myself too much as far as time goes and he talks about when our kids go off to school and how he cannot wait for us to be together and making plans dreaming about our time together post kids. It is sweet but it can overwhelm me. I do the same thing when I think about snooping or checking social media for the ow. Really nothing good comes of it and I always feel worse after doing it. I agree I need to trust my gut. Every time I have known something was off it was a day when my husband got a text from one of the ow. Each time though he has told me and we have decided what to do together. But I know something is off since the last time he wanted to wait till the kids went to bed before talking. It made me feel so good in the end since I was like yes my gut is working!! He was the most upset since he gets so scared it will jeopardize what he have. He said he thought about just deleting it but he wants to live 100% transparent. All good signs.
DeleteHazel this is excellent. I feel like you just wrote my story. Thanks for letting me see it from the outside, in black & white. You are going to help a lot of women with this post. Hugs to you.
ReplyDeleteHazel,
ReplyDeleteWell said! Loved it the 1st time around but got distracted before I could follow through with my comment. The factual tone made an impression on me. I heard acceptance and courage. Thank
you.
"It isn't about you but it is an opportunity to make it about you, to put yourself first and realise that you can deal with this shit and come out of it a stronger woman, deserving of love, kindness and honesty."
ReplyDeleteThis needs to be tatooed on our arms.
Good morning, had a good day yesterday but went to bed and lashed oUT at my husband with an uncalled for outburst. Thanked him for my new reality that he ASSUMED I could handle due to his selfish acts. He didn't get angry. I do feel bad for these outbursts because I don't believe he deserves to have things thrown in his face when I know he's ashamed already. I feel the more I do so it will make it all better. I need to stop that. How for a good day today and to all of you as well
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After my outburst my husband left me alone for a bit then came to me with concerns that I'm Stuck.. He held his hand out and asked me to take his hand and follow him to happiness and he will never let go. He's realized I'm still stuck in the past and he's in the present. This has made me tear up and realize he's right...we can walk slow together.
DeleteI have had that issue. My husband states that he wants me to be happy. That is his number one wish. We have gone around and around on this topic and had some fights/disagreements about this. To me happiness feels elusive. For him he is his happiest ever. He has told me he never thought he could be transparent and honest with me and still have us be together. He is his happiest ever. He is still sad and feels shame but with the present he is the happiest ever. This is great but at times and even now I feel conflicted since I do not always feel that way. He gets it but I think that is what crushes him the most seeing me not happy. He loves when I laugh and am genuinely happy. It just still happens sporadically. I am not sure what the solution is except lots of time. You are still really early and I think just like a death you have to go through a grieving process about your marriage/relationship. When our husbands did what they did no matter what any betrayal it destroyed our world as we know it. To be totally honest we are over 2 1/2+ years and we still deal with this. It is finally starting to get easier. But if he or anyone else asks if I am happy like what people think are you happy with your life etc. I can not answer honestly yes. But I think it is more that skeptical realistic and according to my husband negative way of seeing the world. The reason I think it is so hard for them is they know they crushed us and caused it. I agree with Ann it was all a fantasy on our part but we still have to cope and work through it.
DeleteOne thing my husband is a huge advocate for is what is called corrective emotional experiences. Basically doing different or new things to replace old memories. So say we are going on a family vacation we talk in advance even before choosing a location about what it used to be like or how it felt for me. Then what we will do or can do to change it now. Or also if we always went to dinner for our anniversary now we do something totally different. Also I try to anticipate triggers and bring them up. I think by doing these things I had fewer outbursts and he became less defensive.
Also the scheduling one meeting a week and writing daily helped us to create more quality discussion. When I would hold it in or have daily outbursts it was not great. The weekly meeting system helped with that. And also it made a big change for him to prepare and be less defensive. I do make sure to acknowledge when he does not get defensive.
Truly heart broken,
DeleteI believe your H may have mislabeled your state. Instead of being "stuck", I believe you are grieving. Appropriately. And right on time. Those outbursts and meltdowns are part of that process. I hated them! I wanted to hang on to my clarity and my focus in my marriage so badly. If ever there was a right time to be emotionally stable, right? I'm trying to save my marriage and my life Here! I don't need erratic and rapidly changing emotions right now! I'd always been so emotionally "stable" before, so it was particularly hard for me and brand new territory for my husband. I remember the guilt and remorse after a meltdown/tantrum where I cried and told my H, "I don't want to be crazy! I don't like feeling crazy!" He held me and assured me I was not crazy. That's what I needed to hear. These outbursts are going to happen as a part of the grief. There is no way around them, only through. Doing that is the opposite of being "stuck". It does get better, and you will be able to work with them better as you have more experience. Your H calling it "stuck" is his way of wishing you were on the other side of the grief already. Don't we all wish that! When you behave in a way you don't like (outburst), be easy and kind to yourself. You're allowed to grieve, and this is a necessary part. When you talk after and explain your feelings to your H, help him understand that getting through these emotions, while uncomfortable for him, actually propelled you farther toward the other side of your grieving process. Keeping them in is comfortable for HIM, but THAT'S what would keep you stuck. Don't expect yourself to grieve and handle this perfectly. You wouldn't expect your best friend to say and do perfect things when she's grieving, right? Be your own BFF. hugs!!
Hi friends. I was floored and deeply affected emotionally when I read Hazel's post a few days ago and appreciate Elle making it a stand alone. Yesterday was my 2 year 5 month milestone. Although I've had a couple of serious meltdowns over the past two months since moving to the desert, I think the sunshine and warm weather has worked to my advantage emotionally and physically. Hazel's post and so many others from you wounded warriors are really helping me see that I am separate from my husband and his deficits will not become my deficits. He will forever have to live with his life and his life choices. I read a very powerful post the other day (https://tinybuddha.com/blog/leave-the-past-in-the-past-what-matters-most-is-who-you-are-now/) and realized that it applies to me and to my husband. It applies to all of us. I am not regretting staying with my husband although honestly if you have followed me on this blog you know I seem to suffer from rapid cycling bi-polar disorder! Since the last awful triggers that threw me down the dark hole of death I've managed to recognize them quickly, diffuse them successfully and move on. It is so wonderful to have those successes under my belt even though they are all within the last couple of weeks. The one thing I've said to myself when the triggers/thoughts arise is, "It is not happening now. It is done and over. I have no reason to question his sincerity right now as this is happening to me emotionally." Wow, to think I can do this in the midst of some very stressful and sad things surrounding me. All of SS1's suggestions and Hazel's post are really being internalized in real time. Much love friends. Oh, and we did buy a house in the desert and told my adult kids. I fight the thought that I am abandoning them but in reality, they are adults with families of their own and we all need a chance to live our lives. I can still be there for them if they need/want me. I'm just a plane ride away.
ReplyDeleteFirst of all the desert, sun and warmth sounds amazing! I try to get to the infrared sauna as much as possible. It really helps me since I am cold all of the time and it just elevates my mood. I think you are so right about what you right and good for you to recognize it. I find it is very much an emotional vs reality/intellectual conflict for me. I know intellectually what makes sense but my emotions can take me down that rabbit hole. I keep trying to tell myself similar things that you tell yourself.
DeleteAll of this!! Yes!
ReplyDeleteI too am 2 and a half years post DDay. May 2015 was a busy month apparently. And the darkest time in my life soon followed.
The beginning was awful. Daily misery and pain. I lived next to the whore, my friend, so until we moved, it was hell. I stayed for the kids initially. We have a special needs son, which factors into his decision to escape, and caused additional resentment on my part. But I couldn't break our family up.
My husband has worked very hard to earn a place by my side again. And in that time, I've rediscovered myself as well. This site has been invaluable to me. My mom was the one who submitted my address to get the updates. In so happy she did.
I would caution others however, to not go to extremes as I have in some ways. I drink more than I should. I went through a phase where I shopped too much. My attitude was like "fuck it. I deserve this" After all, I was responsible and smart before his affair with money and booze. And look where it got me.
So now I am trying to take a look at how to live my best life. I still get angry and resentful and blame him for my current state. But no one puts that drink to my lips or swipes that credit card but me. I'm a work in progress. And I cling to the better things he does now. The way we connect. The hysterical bonding was strong for a good year and a half. Now, I think it's just a good sex life!
I am mindful of triggers. We stayed in the same town, so that makes it hard. I can easily backslide. But I'm working on it. Every day. Those feelings of being gutted, of being barely able to function. That's long gone. Now it's a dull ache from time to time. And I can push it away. Love to all of you! 😘
I agree it can be easy to get caught up in other things. For me it was working out, cooking, obsessive things I could take care of and control. One thing I am constantly telling myself is to simplify. Do less and buy less. I am happiest when I have fewer commitments. I say no to so many things. It is easy to get over scheduled individually and as a family especially. When we over schedule it does not have possitive effects. Maybe I associate it with pre dday since we were so busy then all doing our own thing. I miss some aspects of it but it just overwhelms me now. The same thing goes for buying things. I buy less than ever and am always pulling things together to donate. Decluttering my home helps me feel better. I want less surrounding me.
DeleteI have yet to watch my favorite series I used to follow, play my online game I used to love and have a phone conversation with my sister or mom that I used to do daily. I'm reading about affairs, playing spy on my H and just in lala land most of the time. The only good thing I have done to keep me sain is my fitness, gym, walks and follow a healthy meal plan...even then I barely still eat, food turn's me off to be honest. That's it. Doing the things that USED to relax me terrify me today. Any of you felt that way in the months after?
ReplyDeleteTrulyheartbroken
DeleteThe short answer is yes. I'm not sure how many months before I was able to do anything but the just go through the motions. I still don't play the on line game that I used to but I have returned to my other favorite pastimes. Gardening came first as I used the digging of the dirt to chop her out of our lives. Then I finished my h quilt for his favorite college football team and then I began to watercolor paint again. Not on the same day but when I felt like it. During this time, 3 years, we've through the engagement, planning the wedding and watched our daughter as she began to rebuild her life with her dream man. This past year we welcomed our first granddaughter and she in addition to her older brothers are a joy for us. I still have up days and down days but I'm having many more up and happy days. Like Hopeful 30, we have made many new memories that are helping us replace the ugly chapter that he chose to write without me in it. During the majority of his affair we were living 2 hours apart because of his work. He chose to end his affair and moved me into the house we own for him to work from. We've had to totally renovate our house and I've had to rid the house of everything she may have used. I reclaimed everything she tried to take away, including my h! He's still about 7-8 years from retirement but we're making plans for when that happens. All his retirement funds have been secured for both of us no matter what happens in the future. In the beginning when his cow first made contact, she tried to make me believe that they 'fell in love' and if money was the problem for me after divorce she was willing for him to 'keep me up'... I laugh at the delusional state of mind she was/is in. By the time this occurred, my h had spent about 18 months telling her that he didn't love her but she was willing to remain his fuck buddie so he had one more time for sex before he broke it completely off. 6 months later she dumped her truth and here we are still stumbling our way to our future. My h feels like things have never been better. I still have my moments. It's a long walk but if we're in it till the end of our lives we must keep walking together through the good the bad and the ugly! Our new mantra is that the best is yet to come!
I know when I was Googling after DDay I would find blogs of all kinds of betrayeds - secular, Christian, scorned and shattered and betrayed and surviving. I was hunting desperately to see that someone - anyone - survived this and made peace with the hurt. Then I came across this site. Elle's story and her painting of reality after being betrayed isn't sunshine and roses ... it's real life.
ReplyDeleteI just wanted to say thank you to the warriors who are years out from DDay and still healing. So many fall away from sharing their experience when things begin to have some sense of normalcy. As someone who is less than 6 months out and who drowns and swims day-to-day ... your continued shedding of the light onto our darkness means the world!
Kimberly-
DeleteI'm a few months near you on this shitty new reality. I am starting to see some positive although my H is helping a lot. Still don't know what my next day will bring but trying to remain focus on what I do have and not lost. I myself was and am still OBSESSED with googling. Not so much since I found this site. My new goal is to not Google as much and the frequency of spying on my H daily phone records, emails etc..I know this isnt healthy but it's helping so I need you reduce the frequency from 89 times a day to maybe a few times a day. It's important for me but I can't obsess as I do, not if I'm trying to move forward. Hope you have a good day today I am know I'm trying!
Xoxoxox
Trulyheartbroken - I am glad to know I am not the only one who has struggled with obsessive Googling, or spying, or checking records or e-mails or whatever. When I can keep myself focused on today, what is right in front of me, my mind is more clear and everything seems better. But it's hard. So many times I just want to see that one success story that sounds like mine, or that one source that will make me believe it is all going to be okay, but it's not out there. Sure there are wonderful things like this site and all of you ladies, but at the end of the day - I have to decide for myself what I can live with and what I can't, and so does my H. I still spend a lot of time sick with fear...but I am working through it more and more each day. And I try to remind myself all that I have survived and that I can survive this, too.
DeleteI also read your post last night and started thinking how much of this I put on myself and how little my husband probably thinks of it. I mean, I don't really know how much he thinks of it - I know checking in with me mid day is a time he thinks of the why, and days when I struggle he thinks of it - but beyond that, I don't know. I do know him, though, and I know he isn't spending even a fraction of the time googling things to figure out how to heal this. Of course he looks to me to be the lead on that and I'm just plain tired.
Here's to hoping for a good holiday season this year. Right before Christmas was our first "partial" D-day, that I don't usually count as a partial d-day but that is really what it was, so I know some triggers are ahead for me. But this will be the second holiday season, so I hope and pray it will be easier than the last.
Hugs all around!
Jules, At least for me the private detective mode was a phase. I would say it went from dday through the first four months intensely and then more sporadic through probably 9 months. I had to get to a point where I felt that it was dragging me down and I wanted to stop. I was at the point where I felt it was causing me more negativity and stress. And at that point too I knew that if he wanted to do it all of my detective work would not stop it. He would find a way to cheat if he wanted. But I think it was a critical phase to go through. I have zero interest or desire to google or look anything up. He still shares his pass words, account information and he has told me over and over to pick up his phone at any time and look at anything on there.
DeleteI wondered what my husband was thinking. And I asked him. He also offers up time to time too. He said not a day goes by that he does not think about it. He is triggered/reminded often about what he did. He has told me stories about before dday when cheating would come up when he was with other guys, in a movie, at work etc and how it made him feel sick and like the worst person. For some reason when this happened I figured he would feel bad about what he did but I just thought he had come to grips with it. Well that has been the biggest surprise how much this has affected him. He shows and expresses it in different ways than I do. I like to dig in deep, read, do tons of research and my husband is not as interested in that. I do think some of that is it makes him feel worse. He broke down crying reading the only book he picked out to read. I go through phases of being upset that I have to bring things up. Now more and more he brings things up but this has been a major work in progress. In the end I came to grips that I had to do what worked for me. I still set boundaries and expectations for my husband but I did what was good for me.
Thinking of you this holiday season!
Today is the day I am going to focus on what I have and not what I lost. Rebuilding my marriage is all that is important to me. I love him and forgave him...time to step forward and work at it In a positive way..
ReplyDeleteXoxoxo
Thanks for sharing all your situations... I am not as positive of where all this will lead for me yet? October 14th my world was knocked right off its axis, I found out my husband of 13.5 yrs (been together 19) had been having an emotional affair with our hired hand (she only worked for us for 2 months) and he'd been to her place and they had kissed (I very much believe that is as bad as sex), he keeps telling me that she just gets him and she's easy to talk to! She's so classy especially messing around with her employer and married man who's wife served her supper in the field all fall with his 2 kids in tow?!?
ReplyDeleteHe agreed to delete her contact and I had a bit of hope. Meanwhile he's told me that our marriage has been in trouble for a couple years now, but it was all news to me and frankly I'm still shocked! He's said the words sorry but I don't believe he actually is, he hasn't shown a shred of remorse either, but I have listened to all his concerns and basically all his excuses and starting making changes as I wasn't ready to throw away 19 yrs, nor did my kids deserve this! I'm seeing a therapist, and he agreed to try going to one once farming settled down (but now his story is that he said he'd think about going not that he would actually go).
He told me 2 weeks ago that he did a lot of thinking in the tractor and he honestly doesn't love me anymore and can't see that changing, I'd have to say that broke me more then the lies and deceit!
Last week he admitted that he's still in contact with her even after he promised to delete her contact, and this is where I've lost whatever shred of hope I was hanging on to...
I'm thinking I need to figure out how to turn off the love I have for him, because once I walk out the door I will never return and I want to be ok with that decision... I am staying in the home with my kids until the New Year as I want to give them Christmas where they are comfortable, but it is very painful for me.
This is not the man I married and I've never mistrusted him until her! He says he talked a lot about us to her and she's told him I don't love him, so I guess she knows me more then him?
Jen - my heart breaks for you. I am only 5 months out (today as a matter of fact) and reading your story reminded me of mine - married 14 years, together 17. I would encourage you to read about affair fog. I did NOT make things easier in the emotional department - but it certainly helped me understand what was really driving my H's thought process. H held on to his OW for over 2 months but mentally it was closer to 3. I also read I Love You, but I'm Not IN Love with You ... by Andrew Marshall. I won't lie - it was a kick to the gut ... but helped me make sense of what was going on.
DeleteH has since admitted that the further he got away from the OW ... the less confused he felt. And he says he's still working out why he didn't put forth more effort into making changes instead of doing what he did ... but that's a HUGE leap from when he was ready to let me and our 3 kids walk out the door without so much a thought.
I think that you have a solid plan in place - making changes for YOU can only help YOU in the long run ... but also giving yourself time to get through the holidays before you make a final move.
You've found an amazing support system ... we're here for you!
Jen R. - It’s hard to listen to what they say and know what is reality when it’s an Emitional affair. They feel conflicted and more attached to the OW. Mine too said we had nothing in common and the day that he broke things off with her...day after Dday, we argued and he blurted out...”don’t make me regret my decision!” This came out when he challenged me when i said NO contact with the OW and no social media following. He told me they would remain friends, as he’s a grown man and can handle it. You have man WTF moments in this affair fog and it lingers. Really you can handle it, when it seems that you soooo inappropriately mishandled it just a day ago??? There were many arguments that took place between he and i and he clearly was off his rails and had the mentality of a single guy. If you seek something, more than likely you will in fact find it, is what I would tell him. If you are married and looking, you will find someone.
DeleteThe thing is, when men do this they are broken and it’s their failings, not yours. You may have failed to connect in your marriage like he wanted, but if you are like me, you are tending to your kids and their needs while he’s handling his selfish needs. You two fell in love and it’s obviously easy to grow apart during marriage when life happens. Priorities change and you can’t always focus on your marriage like you should. He’s getting attention and his ego stroked from her and I’ve come to realize that these OW are broken as well. They are willing to fill their void white they rip things apart from a family. She’s new, fresh exciting but has baggage that will soon be uncovered.
So, I would challenge him to think in his tractor today about this... If he used all of his energy & effort for the next 7 days thinking about you and the two of your needs, could things turn around? He can’t expect things to improve if he literally has already given up. Nothing that lasts long is to come easy and nothing that comes easy lasts long. Have him look inward to what the real issue is. Does he understand what the end result will do to you, your kids, your extended family? i wouldn’t give up just yet. He’s not thinking clearly and it is hard for him to understand life without you and the kids when he’s got all of you going on now. Give him a little reality of what life would be like without you. If he has many comforts of home maybe pull back on some. Cooking, being available, make plans with family, etc. sometimes it’s needed to go away to make them realize.
Sorry you are in pain today and dealing with this Jen. We are here for you. I’m 2.5 years out and proof that nothing in common in a marriage can turn around. You have highs and lows and fall out of love many times during marriage. It’s tough work for the tough!
Thinking of you today!
Jen, I'm so sorry you are going through this. What an awful, gut punching time. That waffling he is doing is just so selfish and so like what my H did.
DeleteIf he is still in touch with the OW, then I call bullshit on anything he says or does. He is not able to think cleary and as Kimberly suggests under the influence of the "affair fog" which is a simple name for the state of limerance, when your brain is in a heightened state in a new "relationship" and looks an awful lot like it is on drugs.
So my question for you Jen is what are the consequences to him should he fail to end things with her? Why does he get to live under a roof with you and your kids and carry on his affair?
I know you want to keep Christmas normal for your kids (I did the same thing). But please start thinking about what you need and what you will and will not tolerate.
I'm also going to gently suggest that you do not leave/move out of that house. Go and get some free legal advice first. I was advised not to leave under any circumstances. Instead, I would advise that if he will not end the affair and go no contact, that he needs to move out. As of yet, he has experienced no consequences for his actions. He's having his cake and eating it too.
I've read the Andrew Marshall book mentioned above and a host of others. Also, try "Not just Friends: by Shirley glass. Please also find a counselor or therapist or pastor you can talk to. Get support from a trusted friend. And come back here. There are tons of wise women (and men) who have been where you are and have gotten through this.
I know it is hard, but I can promise that no matter who this all turns out, you will be OK. But start today by taking care of you. Hugs!
Jen, So sorry to hear you are going through this. None of this is easy and for me at least my husband minimized aspects of his two affairs. We had been together almost 25 years and married almost 20 years and he had two overlapping 10 year affairs. Both were sporadic so very hard to detect even looking back. I do not understand it all and never will. I will say anything he has told me even now 2 1/2 years past dday sounds like an excuse. He has even told me that he should not have gotten married so young since he did not get to play the field enough. Granted he pushed for marriage. Sure I can get it that we were young but I did not push him into it and he could have handled it a million different ways besides cheating on me. What I have learned through all of this is that what he did (and I agree even if there is no sex and even just texting can be cheating) that it was 100% about him. I would ask him to talk about our marriage and even if there was ever any other woman or temptation and he always lied to my face. I was not naive but he chose to cheat and lie. I could not do anything about it when he was sneaking around and lied to me. And the biggest surprise over time has been how much this has affected him. I honestly figured he was going to be okay with what he did since he made the decisions. But honestly at this point he struggles with what he did more than I do. Of course I still have frustrations and things still bother me but it really sits with him. And honestly I am glad it does. It took about a year from dday before I started to see this side of him. It was eye opening and it has continued. It actually helps some since I can see how serious he has taken it.
DeleteEarly on he really did work to manage the narrative I guess you would say. He would say what he needed or wanted to do. Over time I gained more clarity and told him what I wanted and needed and I did not back down. By setting boundaries and expectations and working on me we have gotten really far in this recovery process. It has taken a ton of work from both of us. I will never say I am glad it happened but we are much closer now than ever before. It saddens me that my husband had to take our marriage to the brink and it took him so long in the end to grow up but I try to focus on what we have today. And I have told him over and over his words do not mean anything it is all his actions. And I am very serious when I tell him I do not need him anymore. Hang in there
Jen R.,
DeleteWhat Heartfelt, SS1, and Hopeful have given great advice. Affair fog is a really crazy thing and honestly, some of the things my husband said during that fine were very hurtful. We’re over 2 1/2 years out and if I think too much they still sting. My husband told me he “must have loved her on some level” and that she was his “best friend”. When I asked him why her, he said, “She’s everything you’re not.” All of this happened when he was supposed to have ended contact with her but hadn’t and before I knew that their affair was physical. He had successfully convinced me that it was “only” an emotional affair and that they were no longer in contact. (Those were his words at the time and not an attempt to minimize emotional affairs because i think they’re just as damaging.). What I’m trying to get at is that their minds are not clear. Also I think it’s important not to underestimate the manipulation occurring on the other end when they are still in contact, the OW. I don’t want to minimize or downplay my husband’s actions but I now realize that his affair was very manipulative on both sides. When he complained about the lack of sex in our marriage, she told him she had been in my shoes. But then she turned around and made herself available. She complained to him that her husband never complimented her, never told her she was beautiful. So, of course, that’s what my husband did to keep her interested. When he was attempting to break it off with her, she ramped up the manipulation. It was two selfish, broken people feeding off one another’s issues. Our final D-Day was a wake up call for my husband. I think having the whole truth out there and seeing my rage made him realize what he was about to lose. But I didn’t get the full truth until that happened and he completely distanced himself from her. With all the affair fantasy bs out of the way, the truth was slightly uglier. He was addicted to porn, had told her he only wanted a sexual relationship and he really didn’t know that much about her as a person. It was a relationship built on manipulation and parking lot sex.
The hard part now is determining what your boundaries are and what the consequences are if he fails to respect them.
Hugs, Jen! ❤️ I’m sorry for your pain, but you’ll find lots of wisdom and support here.
Hello ladies. Here is my story. Second marriage for both my husband and I - we are both 54 with no children and married 13 years (together 16 years). My husband has his own business which involves early starts and long hours. I am not a great sleeper and he had to be in bed by 6 pm so over time we ended up in separate bedrooms. We had our ups and downs like everyone else - I lost both my parents in 2014 and he lost both his earlier this year. I noticed him becoming more distant and in 2015 realised we had major problems which I tried to talk to him about. He said we had nothing in common and thought we would both be happier with other people. I asked if there was anyone else and he said no. I was desperate to try and make our marriage work but he was so distant. Fast forward to April this year and I finally went looking for why he was behaving so oddly and I found it is the form of emails, music CDs and poems to the other woman. The OW had been working in his business since 2010 and had he had been basking in her adoration since around 2012. I was gutted and confronted him. He said it was all off because she got fed up waiting for him to leave. She then quit her job and I thought that was the last on her - wrong!! I thought we were trying to sort things out and even though he made no promises I was happy that I was connecting with him again. In July this year I was diagnosed with a very rare cancer (sarcoma) in my leg. It took about 6 weeks to get a final diagnosis on it and during this time I was worried sick about my health. My husband was with me at my appointments so knew what I was going through. I then had to have 28 rounds of radiation treatment in a specialist sarcoma clinic in another state. Once again he was becoming distant and my worst fears were confirmed when I discovered a text confirmation booking for 2 people at a restaurant when I was in another state having cancer treatment. He said that he was careless at not having deleted that message. He had been deleting all messages and phone calls on his phone as I had been checking it regularly. I think he had been in contact with her since just before my cancer diagnosis. He is with me at the moment to ‘support’ me through my cancer treatment. I have to have surgery again in another state on 14 December and will be in hospital for about 2 weeks including Xmas Day. As far as I know he is not seeing her at the moment as I am off work on sick leave. We don’t discuss her and I have said to him don’t go behind my back and lie and deceive me. I have too much on my plate with my cancer treatment without this on top of it. I never thought he would do it as his first wife betrayed him. He still wears his wedding ring, has been sleeping in the same bed as me and to all intents and purposes behaves like nothing is wrong. He has said that he deeply loves this woman and she is the female version of him. He never says he loves me but does do a lot of things for me. I am so confused and beyond gutted. Any affection is instigated by me. I am fighting for my life and my marriage at the same time. I know I can’t control what he does but I have so much uncertainty in every aspect of my life. Thanks for taking the time to read this. Love and prayers to you all xxx
ReplyDeleteHanging in there ... I have some not very nice thoughts going through my head right now for your H ... all I have is healing thoughts for YOU ...
DeleteHanging in there, My god, what you are going through, I'm so sorry. I'm astounded at the selfishness of your h and that his response to you finding the messages was "I should have been more careful" and not "I'm so sorry I hurt you."
DeleteMy thoughts for you are parallel to what I recommended to Jen above. So far your H has not had to deal with any consequences for his affair. What works for you? What do you need to feel safe? Is it no contact? How will he prove that and what are the consequences to him, should he fail to do these things? You deserve better.
It is an incredibly scary time for you just dealing with cancer (I can't even imagine) and I don't know what your health coverage situation is relative to him, but I'd recommend making sure you have your arms around that. And a visit to a lawyer, not to take any action, just to understand your rights, make take some of the fear away. it did for me.
If your H is not able or willing to provide the emotional support you need, who else is in your life who can be there for you? I feel sure there are people in your life who love you and on whom you can lean a little. I built myself an amazing network of friends and family, so I could spread the load around and no wear any one person out. And also know that coming here and all the articles and comments and most of all this community, is an amazing source of support. You are not alone. And you will get through this.
With so much uncertainty, focus on your immediate care and needs. And try reading Pema Chodron "Getting comfortable with uncertainty" Its was an incredible help to me.
So much light and love coming your way Hanging in there!
Hanging in there
DeleteI'm so sorry you are having to deal with cancer that alone is the most hateful of diagnoses to live through. I'm even sorriest that you are married to a lousy h about as lousy as mine even though I wasn't dealing with as much as you he still did a number on our marriage. The first thing you need to do is just take care of you. The holidays are always the toughest in the beginning of working through betrayal. The only thing good I see about your h from your post is he has the common decency to help you through your illness. He sounds like he fell into the mid life crisis and just kept diving deeper. That's on him. I'm sending prayers and hugs for you to get through your treatment and try to just survive. I'm so so sorry!
Hanging in there - I am so sorry for your diagnosis/treatment and having to go through this at the same time. My husband broke it off with both ow before dday. But from what I have read when someone is still communicating or involved with the ow they can be in the affair fog. And even though my husband broke it off 15 months before dday he was in a form of affair fog. Basically he told himself whatever he had to in order to justify what he had done. I think until they start to see the reality of their actions it is hard to make sense or figure any of this out. I think you need to decide what you want. Do you want him to be part of your life or not? Then do you want to work at getting to the bottom of this? It is hard to figure out what is right. Elle has always said to focus on today and make the right decision for today. Do not worry about a week from now. I understand you have other issues related to your health which you need to factor in. For me early on I would journal a lot. When looking over what I wrote each day it helped me a lot. Have you seen a therapist at all even just for yourself? That helped me a lot gain clarity and provided the support I needed. Thinking of you!
DeleteHanging in there... First, I’m so very sorry about your cancer and having to travel for appts and treatments. That alone is such a life changing event. Second, I’m sorry you are here while dealing with your cancer. Betrayal is heartbreaking and changes the way you eat and sleep and the ongoing anxiety is debilitating.
ReplyDeleteCan you level set with him about where his head is at? He needs to be honest going forward and be in a caregiver role for you and support you. You need him 200% to step up and be there for you and only you. Your mindset needs to be on kicking this and any outside anxiety of unfaithfulness is not welcome. He needs to understand that you and your health are the priority and if he’s not on the same page it’s detrimental.
It has been two years now since I found out about his cheating. I could not understand why he would do that. I started to hate him and I knew I could not continue with those feelings. I started to watching positive videos about life, marriage and etc... I felt very good about life and the hatetre started to disappear. I leave him alone and don't questioned anything. I he has changed but I feel I don't care if he has any feelings for me. It is not the same and never will. I am thinking about moving on. My problem is that where I live, i don't know anybody or even family is not near. I don't cry for him anymore. There is more to life than the love of a person. I need to be happy with life plains and simple. We have more than two years without being intimate. He has not asked and I haven't either. Just knowing that he could of have intimacy with someone else is gross. Please give me your advice. Thank you
ReplyDeleteAnonymous
DeleteI don’t know your age or how long you have been married and I’m just so sorry you have joined the club no one wants to be in but we’re glad we have each other! If y’all have not had any therapy this is where to start. You may have moved past the hat but you certainly haven’t healed your heart. That’s the hardest part of reconciliation post betrayal! Gross is how I felt when I learned about his passionate sex with the she devil. I have a bit of a germ phobia , and just knowing he has had sex with her and then me the same/ next day gave me the creeps in the early days. I’m not sure how long it took for me to get through that part because my h had ended his physical contact with her 5 months before dday and what ever germs had been shared from the beginning until the end. I remember being treated for a few yeast infections that first year but nothing major. I was already HPV positive from our teenage years. My h had several sexual encounters before me and now 39 years later he had another. We’re still a work in progress and it’s been very slow due in part to my h travels for work and as of yet I have not been included mostly because I have to provide care for my mother. That said he has made many changes in his daily contact with me to try to stay connected. Intimacy for me has a different meaning than his. I’m in need of both the physical touch of hugs and kisses and for him those hugs and kisses must be followed by passionate sex. This has always been a major difference for us but up till his affair he was able to meet my needs. He’s now the one having his issues of 60 year old man and can’t keep it up. Not always that way but it’s concerning him and even the viagra isn’t that helpful. I can be satisfied with sex a few times a week but he’s still a daily get it up and use it or you just might lose it kinda man. It’s also a daily choice that I make to really look at the changes he’s made and I reassess my needs and I can tell him how I feel so much better than before. It’s taken us 3 years to get here and I still have triggers, fits of anger but now I can usually get it under control by myself but if I have major anxiety I can and do call him and he helps me through. I don’t look at him the same way I did before and he knows this and he can see that pain in my eyes and his guilt goes through the roof and he withdraws a bit. I had to listen to him tell me that he loves me but probably never will love me the same way I love him. I’m still not sure what exactly this means. We’re just two old people that have had a very bumpy ride given his past selfish choice but he changed his selfishness and has begun to put more of us first and together we plan for friends time. It’s hard to repair a relationship if both of you are not really working on what you need from the relationship. We’re still finding the right balance for us. Sending you hugs and prayers!
I would like to ask for opinion/advice. Anyone here is welcome to give me some light. How long did your H actually wake up from fantasy world and realize that their affairs is just a fog and come back to ask for forgiveness? It's just 2 months since we separated but H insisted want to divorce (been together for 15 years, married for 5 years). I don't wish to give up so easily on this marriage but what can i do now? He insisted that there is no 3rd party out there. The OW is his co-worker. They had been together all day and night and even went for holidays. Need advise how to overcome all this....
ReplyDeleteI need some advise on this..Anyone can help?
DeleteAnonymous,
DeleteI'm sorry. Sometimes the comments on older posts get overlooked.
I don't really have an answer for you. I know for some, it's months before they "wake up". But that's usually when they're still in the marriage, not actively asking for a divorce.
I think you need to take your husband at his word. He wants out. If he actually changes his mind and asks to come home, you can reconsider it then. But I would urge you not to hang onto the hope that he's in the fog. You cannot have a marriage with only one person in it and he's essentially telling you he's out.
When the romance fades, he might realize he's made a mistake. Or...he might not.
I'm sorry. I know how painful this is. But I just wouldn't hang on to hope at this point.
There are many others on this site who've been through what you're going through. If you comment on more recent threads or on the Separating/Divorcing thread, you might get more response from others who are in a better position to help you.