Wow - this is powerful. I have had a lot of painful experiences in my life, we all have. I've suffered infertility, child loss, beat cancer, and now infidelity. Honestly, as painful as the other things were, I can't say I have ever hated them...atleast not after I allowed myself to grieve and process and heal. I see all of them as part of the shape of me. But infidelity - the say my husband hurt me - I am having a hard time not hating it...him...the OW. Thank you for this powerful reminder today! (Hugs)
There are a couple of areas that address stuff like this in the book “the subtle art of not giving a f%ck”” which someone here recommended. Thank you. I’m listening to it via audible. Although it’s not about infidelity, it’s about the choices you make in life and why. And how to deal with the crappy stuff you didn’t ask for. Sure didn’t ask for THIS, but i like the majority of the stuff i have chosen since. And i continue to learn.
Steam, I'm the one who posted that book originally and I love it for those same reasons. I've had people in my life recently who are getting a raw deal with life. So much that they go through reminds me of my infidelity pain, although miscarriage, divorce, and death are certainly different in important ways... I have given that book (The Subtle Art of Not Giving A F$&@) paired with a tea cup I found on Etsy that says (in beautiful scrolled script) "and not a single fuck was given that day." They have all loved that gift. Pairs nicely and lets them know they're not alone. I would mail you all that cup as a gift if I could! (Maybe give it to yourself for xmas or to someone you know who's struggling with something) Carefully placing our limited F@#$s is so important, especially over holidays. :)
Ann the book is so great we have been listening to it in the car. Since it’s not strictly about infidelity my H loves it. Because he had no idea why i bought it. Lol. Thank you!!!!
Right now, what I am most tortured with the fact that she is more beautiful than me. I can’t let it go for some reason… it keeps coming back. I put too much value on my own looks maybe? I hate that he probably thought how wonderful she was and how gross I was. I want to be "better" then her... put myself above her somehow... and in some ways I know that I am just not. How to let this go? How to love myself? Lots of healing to do for me.
Anon 11/28, FYI she was not more beautiful than you. Fact. She may have had shinier hair, a flatter stomach, longer legs, whatever -- it doesn't matter. She was as ugly as sin. You were cheated on. I was cheated on. Beyonce was cheated on. Jennifer Aniston was cheated on. Sandra Bullock was cheated on. Princess Diana was cheated on. Elin Nordegren was cheated on. Etc etc etc. Our husband's failures have nothing to do with our beauty. I know it still feels like crap. Comparing yourself to her is crazy-making, but sometimes becomes an obsession because it puts off thinking about the things that hurt even more, the real deep stuff. Read the advice of the wise women here who will teach you about self-care. Make an appt with a supportive counselor. Go for a run and get super fit. Lay on the couch and get pleasantly plump. Whatever. Just do it for YOU and your healing. You were made for beauty. Hang in there -- hugs.
It is an obsession. And I'm trying not to do those actively obsessive things... aka look at her social media posts... and once i am successful at that for awhile i just have my thoughts. But then i do it again and sink back down. I know everything that is good for me and all the things that are bad... i dont know why i keep going down the dark road of self hate. I want to be stronger. I'm up and down like a yoyo. I'm on anti depressants now... anyone else? I'm just really alone... I can't talk to anyone and I've been a stay at home mom of three for the last 4 years. Im back to work now but i dont even want to socialize. I juat want to die some days... others I'm joyful in my kids only. I'm a disaster. Just follow my posts on here!! I'm a nutball. An emotional mess.
Anon- I’ve found not fighting the feeling or the emotions the best way to handle it. Start putting those emotions in seoerateseperate little piles and deal with one at a time. Trying to deal with the whole mess as it is is totally overwhelming. Also one day at a time. Take your joy where you can. Baby steps. And no you do NOT want to die. You want the pain to die. You will get through this. I promise. Hugs
Anonymous I’m one of those hot mess kinda woman too! I lash out at my h when stress levels are through the roof! He gets defensive and I get angry and then we kiss and make up and just try for a better day tomorrow! As for looking at her social media... she lies about her happy life and she struggles to be as good a woman as you because she’s a skank that fucked a married man! Period! I’m an emotional mess too, just not every day... you can find your inner strength!
Hi Anonymous December 1, I think we can all understand the feelings of wanting to spy on the OW and depression after Dday. You are not alone. And if you need someone besides us to talk to seek out an IC. If that's not an option, there is a good chance your employer has an assistance program (EAP) you can call confidentially. Contact Infidelity Counseling Network and apply for a peer counselor. Many faith based organizations will offer at least 1 free counseling session. Some local, in person like through Catholic Charities. Some by phone like Focus on The Family. And of course, there's us here on BWC. Also, if you feel comfortable, consider giving yourself a pseudonym on here so we can follow your posts. Being betrayed can sends even the strongest woman into an emotional rollercoaster. Be gentle with yourself.
Hello you guys, I have had a great couple weeks but this week has been extremely difficult. I have been crying everyday since Monday. I don't really know why? I have a remorsul husband and I still have my life. I think I'm expecting to much from him and him to fix me when in fact I need to fix myself. It's hard? He is trying and doing all he can but has expressed can be slightly overwhelming. He does work a very stressful 12 hour a day job and still does what he can but I'm still constantly hounding him and I need to stop as its becoming an obsession. I'm afraid this obsession may push him away even though he says it won't. I'm hounding him for constant reassurance and it's driving me nuts. How do I fix myself and make myself realize everything will be fine? I am taking my pain and allowing the tears to come. I know I need to let all the hurt out for as long as needed but I also know I need to not rely on him SO MUCH. After 4 months since DDay I do have longer periods of happiness then the first 2 months. I know I still have a lot of hurt to deal with but I need to also deal with this on my own as well and with my therapist. Your knowledge has been more helpful then my therapist please anyone with some advice would be great. Thank you for listen to my rant. Xoxo
Trulyheartbroken I’m sorry you’re having these feelings and I know them all too well. I still struggle occasionally and lash out at my h. It’s very unsettling when it happens and I sometimes get through without a complete meltdown but only if my h responds when he can tell I’m escalating. I remember thinking that if I couldn’t get myself and my feelings under control I was going to lose my h forever. I didn’t but I’m sure it’s been hard for him to endure this. I’m not in my right mind when it happens and I’m finding it less often than that first two years. I have used the stop sign method to rid my mind of so much of this but it still creeps up on me and I’m pretty sure it does others as well. I find myself spiraling out of control when stress builds and I’m learning ways to cope with my stress. Walking is key for me because I can’t run due to my arthritis in my knees but I can walk miles. It’s how I cope with my mother issues as well. Sometimes it’s at the gym sometimes around the neighborhood but sometimes it’s just shopping and parking the car away from the entrance. It’s hard. I know how hard it is! I can remember telling my h that maybe love wasn’t going to be enough and he kept saying that love can get us through anything. He’s been repeating this for 3 years now and it’s still hard for me because he travels for work. I feel like we just get to a good place and boom he’s off to do a project that leaves us disconnecting again. He’s planning on changing jobs but he’s a big procrastinator. I finally decided that it takes as long as it takes and if we’re in it till death do us part, he now has to accept the good the bad and the ugly that his choices have changed me into. My job is to recover the me I know I was before my h fell off his pedestal. I never was this needy possessive woman I see myself as when I’m triggering. It’s a daily struggle and I choose to have more happy days than sad but I know how easy it is to fall down that black hole! Sending hugs and just know you are not alone in how you’re reacting.
Thank you Theresa, I can't stand this needy wife I've become. This isn't me. I bomb his phone with needy text messages for hours in a day then read what I wrote and realize what the hell am I doing??? I then apolize for doing so. It's ridiculous how I have this sick need for him to fix me, When I do apologize for harassing him that way he always responds " I'm so sorry I did this to you" or " don't apolize it's my fault" one day he may not be so nice. I Will use the stop sign method. I tried at the biginning but that was a fail I was in uter shock. Now that the shock wore off it may be more successful for me. I feel I'm going crazy at times...I talk to myself, I answer my own questions and I at times will say out loud "F#*=_^# B#&*@" towards THAT PERSON aka OW. Luckily my teen's have never heard me say it or they would think I'm nuts also. One day at a time yes but jeez I wouldn't wish this new reality on my worse enemy well maybe on one. I know it will get better, I know it won't always be this way but I'm impatient..I just need to slow down and take it as it is. I already see more positive today then I do yesterday and it will continue this way I'm sure. Thank god I came across this site when I was OBSESSING over Google. Thank you for all you amazing women that are complete strangers to me but yet make me feel so much better. I don't post much but I do read everything everyday. Xoxox
Wow - this is powerful. I have had a lot of painful experiences in my life, we all have. I've suffered infertility, child loss, beat cancer, and now infidelity. Honestly, as painful as the other things were, I can't say I have ever hated them...atleast not after I allowed myself to grieve and process and heal. I see all of them as part of the shape of me. But infidelity - the say my husband hurt me - I am having a hard time not hating it...him...the OW. Thank you for this powerful reminder today! (Hugs)
ReplyDeleteWe must remember this.
ReplyDeleteEven the crappy wounded choices I made myself... I wouldn't be here without all of it. I wouldn't trade being me for anything.
ReplyDeleteI'm who I am because of all of them, the good the bad and the ugly...
ReplyDeleteThere are a couple of areas that address stuff like this in the book “the subtle art of not giving a f%ck”” which someone here recommended. Thank you. I’m listening to it via audible. Although it’s not about infidelity, it’s about the choices you make in life and why. And how to deal with the crappy stuff you didn’t ask for. Sure didn’t ask for THIS, but i like the majority of the stuff i have chosen since. And i continue to learn.
ReplyDeleteSteam, I'm the one who posted that book originally and I love it for those same reasons. I've had people in my life recently who are getting a raw deal with life. So much that they go through reminds me of my infidelity pain, although miscarriage, divorce, and death are certainly different in important ways... I have given that book (The Subtle Art of Not Giving A F$&@) paired with a tea cup I found on Etsy that says (in beautiful scrolled script) "and not a single fuck was given that day." They have all loved that gift. Pairs nicely and lets them know they're not alone. I would mail you all that cup as a gift if I could! (Maybe give it to yourself for xmas or to someone you know who's struggling with something) Carefully placing our limited F@#$s is so important, especially over holidays. :)
DeleteAnn the book is so great we have been listening to it in the car. Since it’s not strictly about infidelity my H loves it. Because he had no idea why i bought it. Lol. Thank you!!!!
DeleteHi Steam. I’m reading that book right now. Very good
DeleteThanks for the heads up Ann and steam I’ve just ordered it .. sounds like a good read : ) xx
ReplyDeleteRight now, what I am most tortured with the fact that she is more beautiful than me. I can’t let it go for some reason… it keeps coming back. I put too much value on my own looks maybe? I hate that he probably thought how wonderful she was and how gross I was. I want to be "better" then her... put myself above her somehow... and in some ways I know that I am just not. How to let this go? How to love myself? Lots of healing to do for me.
ReplyDeleteAnon 11/28,
DeleteFYI she was not more beautiful than you. Fact. She may have had shinier hair, a flatter stomach, longer legs, whatever -- it doesn't matter. She was as ugly as sin.
You were cheated on. I was cheated on. Beyonce was cheated on. Jennifer Aniston was cheated on. Sandra Bullock was cheated on. Princess Diana was cheated on. Elin Nordegren was cheated on. Etc etc etc. Our husband's failures have nothing to do with our beauty.
I know it still feels like crap. Comparing yourself to her is crazy-making, but sometimes becomes an obsession because it puts off thinking about the things that hurt even more, the real deep stuff.
Read the advice of the wise women here who will teach you about self-care. Make an appt with a supportive counselor. Go for a run and get super fit. Lay on the couch and get pleasantly plump. Whatever. Just do it for YOU and your healing. You were made for beauty. Hang in there -- hugs.
Thank you thank you thank you thank you.
DeleteIt is an obsession. And I'm trying not to do those actively obsessive things... aka look at her social media posts... and once i am successful at that for awhile i just have my thoughts. But then i do it again and sink back down. I know everything that is good for me and all the things that are bad... i dont know why i keep going down the dark road of self hate. I want to be stronger. I'm up and down like a yoyo. I'm on anti depressants now... anyone else? I'm just really alone... I can't talk to anyone and I've been a stay at home mom of three for the last 4 years. Im back to work now but i dont even want to socialize. I juat want to die some days... others I'm joyful in my kids only. I'm a disaster. Just follow my posts on here!! I'm a nutball. An emotional mess.
ReplyDeleteAnon- I’ve found not fighting the feeling or the emotions the best way to handle it. Start putting those emotions in seoerateseperate little piles and deal with one at a time. Trying to deal with the whole mess as it is is totally overwhelming. Also one day at a time. Take your joy where you can. Baby steps. And no you do NOT want to die. You want the pain to die. You will get through this. I promise. Hugs
DeleteAnonymous
DeleteI’m one of those hot mess kinda woman too! I lash out at my h when stress levels are through the roof! He gets defensive and I get angry and then we kiss and make up and just try for a better day tomorrow! As for looking at her social media... she lies about her happy life and she struggles to be as good a woman as you because she’s a skank that fucked a married man! Period! I’m an emotional mess too, just not every day... you can find your inner strength!
Hi Anonymous December 1, I think we can all understand the feelings of wanting to spy on the OW and depression after Dday. You are not alone. And if you need someone besides us to talk to seek out an IC. If that's not an option, there is a good chance your employer has an assistance program (EAP) you can call confidentially. Contact Infidelity Counseling Network and apply for a peer counselor. Many faith based organizations will offer at least 1 free counseling session. Some local, in person like through Catholic Charities. Some by phone like Focus on The Family. And of course, there's us here on BWC. Also, if you feel comfortable, consider giving yourself a pseudonym on here so we can follow your posts. Being betrayed can sends even the strongest woman into an emotional rollercoaster. Be gentle with yourself.
DeleteHello you guys, I have had a great couple weeks but this week has been extremely difficult. I have been crying everyday since Monday. I don't really know why? I have a remorsul husband and I still have my life. I think I'm expecting to much from him and him to fix me when in fact I need to fix myself. It's hard? He is trying and doing all he can but has expressed can be slightly overwhelming. He does work a very stressful 12 hour a day job and still does what he can but I'm still constantly hounding him and I need to stop as its becoming an obsession. I'm afraid this obsession may push him away even though he says it won't. I'm hounding him for constant reassurance and it's driving me nuts. How do I fix myself and make myself realize everything will be fine? I am taking my pain and allowing the tears to come. I know I need to let all the hurt out for as long as needed but I also know I need to not rely on him SO MUCH. After 4 months since DDay I do have longer periods of happiness then the first 2 months. I know I still have a lot of hurt to deal with but I need to also deal with this on my own as well and with my therapist. Your knowledge has been more helpful then my therapist please anyone with some advice would be great. Thank you for listen to my rant.
ReplyDeleteXoxo
Trulyheartbroken
DeleteI’m sorry you’re having these feelings and I know them all too well. I still struggle occasionally and lash out at my h. It’s very unsettling when it happens and I sometimes get through without a complete meltdown but only if my h responds when he can tell I’m escalating. I remember thinking that if I couldn’t get myself and my feelings under control I was going to lose my h forever. I didn’t but I’m sure it’s been hard for him to endure this. I’m not in my right mind when it happens and I’m finding it less often than that first two years. I have used the stop sign method to rid my mind of so much of this but it still creeps up on me and I’m pretty sure it does others as well. I find myself spiraling out of control when stress builds and I’m learning ways to cope with my stress. Walking is key for me because I can’t run due to my arthritis in my knees but I can walk miles. It’s how I cope with my mother issues as well. Sometimes it’s at the gym sometimes around the neighborhood but sometimes it’s just shopping and parking the car away from the entrance. It’s hard. I know how hard it is! I can remember telling my h that maybe love wasn’t going to be enough and he kept saying that love can get us through anything. He’s been repeating this for 3 years now and it’s still hard for me because he travels for work. I feel like we just get to a good place and boom he’s off to do a project that leaves us disconnecting again. He’s planning on changing jobs but he’s a big procrastinator. I finally decided that it takes as long as it takes and if we’re in it till death do us part, he now has to accept the good the bad and the ugly that his choices have changed me into. My job is to recover the me I know I was before my h fell off his pedestal. I never was this needy possessive woman I see myself as when I’m triggering. It’s a daily struggle and I choose to have more happy days than sad but I know how easy it is to fall down that black hole! Sending hugs and just know you are not alone in how you’re reacting.
Thank you Theresa, I can't stand this needy wife I've become. This isn't me.
ReplyDeleteI bomb his phone with needy text messages for hours in a day then read what I wrote and realize what the hell am I doing??? I then apolize for doing so. It's ridiculous how I have this sick need for him to fix me, When I do apologize for harassing him that way he always responds " I'm so sorry I did this to you" or " don't apolize it's my fault" one day he may not be so nice. I Will use the stop sign method. I tried at the biginning but that was a fail I was in uter shock. Now that the shock wore off it may be more successful for me. I feel I'm going crazy at times...I talk to myself, I answer my own questions and I at times will say out loud "F#*=_^# B#&*@" towards THAT PERSON aka OW. Luckily my teen's have never heard me say it or they would think I'm nuts also. One day at a time yes but jeez I wouldn't wish this new reality on my worse enemy well maybe on one. I know it will get better, I know it won't always be this way but I'm impatient..I just need to slow down and take it as it is. I already see more positive today then I do yesterday and it will continue this way I'm sure. Thank god I came across this site when I was OBSESSING over Google. Thank you for all you amazing women that are complete strangers to me but yet make me feel so much better. I don't post much but I do read everything everyday.
Xoxox