But here we are again. Stalking the Other Woman's Facebook profile, checking out her Instagram. Our heart aching, our stomach in knots, our eyes rolling at the pithy quotes she posts about destiny, or scanning her face in photos for any sign that she's miserable or happy or is feeling remotely accountable for the pain she's wrought. What are we looking for exactly? We hardly know but that matters not at all.
And when we're done...here comes the hangover. The regret. The I swore I'd stop doing this, the I know this only makes me feel worse, the what's wrong with me that I can't control myself?
My D-Day took place before social media was as ubiquitous as it is now (be grateful for small mercies, right?) but that didn't stop me from driving past her apartment, Googling her name, casually listening at work functions for any mention of where she was and what she was now doing.
Even though I knew it would cause me pain. Even though I knew it did nothing to move me forward. Even though...
It gets a lot of us stuck, doesn't it? This obsession with...something. Rifling through Visa receipts, checking his cell phone messages, constantly alert for the threat, terrified of being blindsided again.
And we feel utterly helpless to stop it. Even when we know we should.
A long time ago, Steam was terrified of flying. It's hard for me to even imagine as she's rarely in one place for long these days, constantly flying hither and yon. But her inability to just get on a plane was getting in the way of a lot of things – her career, for one. Her far-flung friendships. Her sense of independence and agency. She reached out to a guy who swore he could rid of her fear and she was just desperate enough that she went for it. Either the guy was a total grifter or it just might work.
She told me this story one time when we were talking about getting unstuck from post-D-Day behaviours. And she'd been using a lot of what she'd learned that got her ON a plane to get her OFF stupid behaviour that was getting in the way of healing.
So I asked her recently to share with me exactly what this guy taught her. It's deceptively simply, though a lot of behaviour modification techniques are (the elastic band on your wrist, the STOP sign). And so I share it here with the hopes that it gets you unstuck. That it gets you ON the metaphorical plane that takes you where you want to go.
It's all imagery, explains Steam:
In your brain, picture a photograph in your back pocket. It's a crumpled up Polaroid of you as an old woman sitting on your dilapidated porch in a rusty old chair. You have been so afraid of something that happened long ago that you've never managed to move on. You've remained there as life decays around you. You have nothing to add to any conversation. You stew in your sadness and bitterness. No-one wants to hear your story again.
Awful, isn't it? Painful.
Take out that mental photo periodically and look at it. When you feel paralyzed. When you're about to do something that you know isn't moving your forward but is rather keeping you stuck. Is that woman who you want to be? Forever? Didn't think so.
Now...
Pop a DVD in your brain and watch it as long as you want to. It shows you living after betrayal. You look incredible. You have people around you who love you. You've travelled. You've celebrated milestones. People enjoy being around you. They want to hear your stories, see your pictures. You've led an incredible life.
Who do you want to be?
Every day we make a bunch of choices. Eat this for breakfast or that. Put on these clothes or those. Take this route to work or that one.
Those choices apply to everything. Pour one glass of wine or another. Stalk her Facebook page or go for a walk. That's really all Steam's "Flying" guy taught her. To choose which woman she wanted to be.
Who will you choose today?
Yet another post meant just for me! Elle - you do this time and time again. Thank you for not giving up on those of us who came after you ... there truly is a special place in the afterlife for you.
ReplyDeleteYa. I'm guilty of all of this. I've deactivated/deleted my alternate FB page a dozen times - you know, the one I created after I blocked her on my son's FB page so I couldn't sign in on his account and look there. But I always come back. It's like a drug. And each time I come back I see more and more.
My recent find. The couch. The one my husband said he had sex with her on when I appalling asked him if he had sex with her in the bed she slept with her husband in? [Although side note ... I've seen pictures of her house ... there were definitely 2 bedrooms set up for adults there ... so maybe she really was separated from her husband - which makes my husband the sick bastard who cheated on his wife ... she probably wasn't cheating on her husband *technically*].
I keep telling myself I'm proud of the fact that all of the demise in her life - her divorce, the selling of her house, the possible move from our city - and God love the internet that will eventually spew that information out of itself eventually ... I had nothing to do with that. I didn't lamblast her from the rafters.
But really. Then why am I so obsessed with watching her world crumble?
Oh. Ya. I know. Because it's easier to watch her crumble than to eventually watch mine crumble.
BUT ... here's the deal. It probably won't be her that comes back in and crumbles my world. It will be that AOH of mine ... the slimy bastard who stomped on my heart by sleeping with another woman ... the snake who lied to my face repeatedly.
Yep. That man is still lingering somewhere deep inside of the Husband 2.0 that I have ... and only he's the one in control of whether or not that guy comes back out to play or not.
Ok ... off to FB to delete the alternate persona ... AGAIN!
Kimberly, I confess this made me laugh. Hope that's okay. Because I've been there. There's glee in watching someone else's life fall apart because they deserve it, right? But then...did we deserve what happened to us? Of course not. So yeah, sometimes our choices lead to shitty consequences. But sometimes people doing really awful things end up doing...fine. God knows, we see it playing out on our TV screens every day.
DeleteI've learned, after a half-century on this planet, that my happiness only really comes to me when I run my own race and stop looking to my left or right or ahead or behind. There will always ALWAYS be somebody doing better than I am. And there will always be plenty doing worse. None of that matters.
Your husband, to his credit, is reinventing himself. We all deserve that opportunity (which is not to say we all have to stay married to that person). Every single one of us deserves the opportunity to say, 'nah. Don't want to be that guy anymore.' and then to do better. You get to decide whether you stay with that guy. And sure, he did those things. He's capable of it. I have a feeling I'm capable of doing shitty things but have chosen not to for a whole lot of reasons, but mostly because I DID shitty things before I got married. And I didn't like who I was. Now I do.
Run your own race, Kimberly. You'll always win that way.
Elle, I'm glad to have given you a laugh. And yes, that's ok. Because really it's all laughable. Like this couldn't possibly really be real life? It has to be some sick comedy or some horrific horror movie.
DeleteI've thought long and hard about who I want to be. And truthfully, this isn't it. I don't want to be the bitter, crazy cat lady who lives on the end of the street who walks around muttering to herself . But I also don't want to be the grandmother who doesn't enjoy life because I'm holding so much bitterness in my heart that I'm not capable of seeing the good in a.n.y.t.h.in.g. I have my MIL to thank for that little piece of insight into what life could be like.
Damnit, I used to be that person freely. Now I have to work a little harder at it. I figure over time it will become second nature again. At least that's my hope!
Gosh, it is so hard reading this. I don’t check her FB or anything anymore, bc there is no point...her life is as good as it gets. After blowing my life, she moved to my favorite city, the place where I had planned to retire for the last 15 years...she got a new, very high paying job ...and I realized that karma or universal justice or whatever you want to call it, just doesn’t exist. There are no consequences for her or for WH.
ReplyDeleteFor me, I look at that picture of myself 15 years from now and I see someone who tried really hard, who learned so much from this experience, who is wise and caring and compassionate and so deeply heartbroken. Someone, who has a great life on the outside and so much hurt and pain on the inside. At the end of the day, I can keep telling myself that the lemonade tastes great, except it doesn’t matter, as I never wanted or liked lemonade and yet, this is all I have. For some of us, this blow ended up being too deep, too strong, one of too many life blows.
I want to believe, I want to hope...and yet, as time goes by and the world keeps turning and life goes on...and I keep focusing on the “next right step”, I am making do and by all accounts I am doing great, the reality is that deep down, in my heart, I am not.
LostSomewhere,
DeleteI am so sorry for the deep pain that you feel. I'm not sure how far out you are but it took me a good 5 years to really feel as though I wasn't going to be forever wounded. I'm now 12 years out and, honestly, the cheating (which went on for the first 12 years of our relationship) is something that happened. It has little bearing on where I am today. But so much of my genuine healing only began when I shifted the focus to me. Away from the OW, away even from my H. When I really began to ask myself what do I want from my life, how do I want to live, who do I want to be. And that's the thing. No matter how glossy her life looks like on the outside (and let's be clear: NOBODY's life is perfect), she's still someone who participated in the deception and hurt of another person. That's a brand she'll wear forever even if nobody sees it. I hope for her sake, and the sake of any future wives whose husbands she cheats with, that she gets her act together and becomes a better person. But that's what you've got that she never will: integrity. Decency. Honesty. And don't for a second think that those things matter less than a big house or a fancy job. You and I both know that you can dress up a lot of pain with pretty clothes and a smile.
I don't know if you're in therapy, but if not, please find yourself someone who can help you dig out of this pain. You do not need to live like this. Like you, I had experienced a whole lot of pain in my life. I began to think that I was destined to be hurt, to be rejected, to be miserable. I was wrong. I've had hurt since. I've had to deal with two of my children being diagnosed with serious mental health issues. I've lost my mother. I've had work disappointments. But...I know who I am. I know how I choose to live my life. My husband has surprised me by earning the second chance I've given him. My life is...probably like everybody else's: a mix of ups and downs but overall, pretty damn good because I've created the one I want.
LostSomewhere, you do not need to settle for this. But whether or not you're checking her FB or whatever, I want you to begin to relegate her to persona non grata status. She is just someone you used to know. That's it. Someone who, today perhaps, is doing well. What you likely won't know about are the hurts and the disappointments and the other stuff that EVERY SINGLE ONE OF US deals with at varying points in our lives. And...she cheated with a married man.
You...are you. So focus on that. Be gentle with yourself. Remind yourself often that you are amazing and brave and doing your very best to heal from an excruciating betrayal. Hold that photo of yourself, sometime down the road, in your head. IN that photo, you are so past comparing yourself to the OW that you can't even remember her name. You have been living YOUR life. There have been wonderful moments, there have been other disappointments. But it has been YOUR life, lived on your terms, with your values.
Lost Somewhere
DeleteI agree with everything you have written.
My world and my children's was also blown up because of ex and his current skank.
My ex left us. Left the family he created for this skank after years of betrayal with other women.
I too doubt if Karma exists as my ex and his skank are also cruising along nicely in life, as in time to themselves career, holidays etc
Although, from what the kids have told me, their relationship is not 100% perfect, despite what she posts on social media.
All we can do Lost Somewhere is take 1 step at a time. You are doing the right thing there. There will be good days and bad days. Come here and vent on those bad days and we'll rally around to give you words of encouragement.
Elle has given some wonderful advise, and I reiterate - be kind and gentle to yourself.
Sending hugs of support
Gabby xo
Sooo I am only 5 days out from DDay #2 and 3 and 4? 3 years ago was the first (emotional affair) but he claims he loves me and wants only me blah blah blah... will do literally anything to make happy. My question is, how do I know that this feeling is really him? if after 2 years he begins a full on affair with someone 18 years younger, then 5 months later another affair with a married woman, and lots of inappropriate texts and flirting in between, does he claim that he loved only me, all the other stuff meant nothing, they meant nothing, that something is "wrong" with him etc. How do you make that choice to give him another chance? after he PROMISED you that would never happen again because he just knows how much it broke me inside after the emotional affair? We have separated and I know not to make any big decisions but where do I go from here? telling our 4 kids was the hardest thing ever. I just feel like he is a great liar and knows just what to say to sound sincere. I know I will never trust him again. I know this. So what is the point of waiting?It just feels completely inevitable. He has broken something deep within me that will never be fixed. I do have an appt with a counselor today so maybe that will help. I just don't know anything anymore
ReplyDeleteThis comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDeleteWonderful & helpful post! Thank you.
ReplyDeleteMade me think of my current struggle - contacting her. My husband claims to have had a one night stand on a work trip a little over a year ago. For the past year I've gone back & forth on whether I should contact her and ask questions/get her side of the story. Not sure if contacting her would help or hurt. So I'm stuck doing nothing. But think about it all the time. Any advice on this would be much appreciate!
Thank you everyone. It has been 8 months since DD and a finding out my spouse of 20 years has had multiple affairs. I'm struggling and although the tears are not as frequent the pain and complete shock is still there. It is maddening quite honestly. However this site has helped in so many ways.
ReplyDeleteI love that passage from Steam. That was what helped me turn the corner. Instead of feeling down and sad for myself it made me embrace the idea of taking control of my life and what I wanted. Instead of letting my husband and his actions shape who I was I decided I needed to take charge of that. I had to be ready to hear it but it made a huge impact on me. I will say to this day my husband is impressed by this mentality, thanks me and praises me. It was and is not easy but it is a great image and reminder!
ReplyDeleteHopeful 30, I'm with you regarding Steam's input. My sister was visiting a couple of weeks ago and we caught up on lots of things including a friend of hers who is divorced from a cheating husband. This friend is still very bitter and angry about the way things went with her marriage and my sister (who knows nothing of my saga)commented that she really hates to see her friend so angry and bitter and wants to tell her, "Bitter does not look good on you. He is the jerk, not you but he is moving on and you are still stuck in the muck he created. Please realize that you are still the wonderful you that you always were. Stop letting him snuff your glow." This is a very hard thing to do as all of us know. After four years I am beginning to feel like my "me" is beginning to return. It has been a challenge many days and those challenges won't end because we are still together but I'm determined to stop letting those thoughts of being less than because of his choices color the way I live my life. Something died inside me too and that was my innocence and trust in this man. His loss.
DeleteHopeful 30 I’m so glad it helped you. The rubber band, the stop sign, they never worked for me. I was as broken and desperate and obsessive as anyone you’ve ever met after d-day 1 and 2 . I had the shame brought on by endless snooping. I just looked yesterday at my sleep pattern recorded on my phone for the first month after d-day 2. I averaged between one and three hours of sleep per night for a month. I don’t know how i worked, or ate, or took a shower or fed the pets. I just don’t know. I had to take tiny steps while looking long range. I would not be bitter in the long run. I would not be that person Anger was fun. Planning revenge was even more fun. Torturing my H was the only thing i could put me heart into. But i knew i had to get out of this mindset. I also used to visualize my mended heart having no idea how it would be mended” this is what i used to picture the future “. Kintsugi (or kintsukuroi) is a Japanese method for repairing broken ceramics with a special lacquer mixed with gold, silver, or platinum. The philosophy behind the technique is to recognize the history of the object and to visibly incorporate the repair into the new piece instead of disguising it”. It’s the heart i have now. Stronger. More beautiful and i have always been compassionate but i grew even more so. Life too is much better. I don’t overexplain myself or people please anymore. Far from perfect but mending daily.
ReplyDeleteAlmost 4 years out and doing well with H.It has been a struggle.I did follow the OW closely on social media.I have sorta a unique situation...We are geographically isolated where we live.I am in the medical field...My biggest fear is walking into work one day and there she will be. She lives about 2 miles from our home.I watched her on line looking for clues about her health status and her kids. She has recently removed both her personal and business sites from FB....so I have no idea if or when I will ever run into her.Yuck.
ReplyDeleteI am nine months out and spiralling. Months 5 through 8 I felt hopeful and it felt like a steady climb towards healing but I've slipped. There is just too many triggers and everything feels so tarnished - like nothing will feel undamaged around me. I'm trying so hard to stop myself but the big dark pit of wallowing keeps calling me. When I try to be positive and focus on repairing I feel it calling as if to say "don't leave your post!" As if to do so would be to say what he did to me is okay; as if he got away with it. But I'm still trying. I pray I don't self sabotage and end up losing my husband who is trying so hard. Honestly I feel like I'm losing my mind.
ReplyDeleteLandofWOZ - The big dark pit is such a horrific place to be. It feels as if the walls are caving in and there is no way out. BUT ... there is! I assure you it's not where we have to live. 9 months out I was much like you. Hell, 26 months out and I still have those moments. It takes a HUGE conscience effort to fend off the darkness and, at the gentle prodding of my therapist, I'm meeting with a psychiatrist next week about the possibility of getting a little medicinal help to help my brain to repair from the trauma.
DeleteI have been anti-meds since I was a teenager. I cannot begin to tell you how angry I am at my AOH for putting me into a situation I can't seem to pull myself out of. But at the end of the day I know that I'm not living fully and there is no shame in wanting to live life fully at any cost!
I just wanted you to know you are not alone ... even if it feels that way. Keep coming here. Draw on the strength of those who came before us and lift up those who come after ...