2021 was ushered in by our family with a trip to the emergency room. Our eldest, who has a long list of mental health symptoms, has been struggling for many months with intrusive thoughts telling her to kill herself. Exhausted by fighting back, she began swallowing pills. One after another after another until the bottle was empty. She didn't want to die, she tells us and the doctors. She just couldn't fight any more. The thoughts were louder than any telling her that her life was worth anything. That she was worth anything.
I read an obituary last night for the son of a US politician who took his life on New Year's Eve. This was a kid with everything. A loving family, scores of friends, an Ivy League education, a promising future. And depression. That too. And, as he said in his note, "my illness won today."
It was also reported that he often reminded people around him that "being a human is hard". It was a plea for kindness. A reminder that we're all doing the best we can with what Anne Lamott calls our rusty bent tools.
We forget that, don't we? We put such high expectations on everyone, especially ourselves. We should leave. What sort of person stays with a partner who cheated? No, we should stay. What sort of person breaks up a marriage with someone who wants to stay married to them (even if they did cheat)? Why can't we stop crying? What aren't we crying? Why can't we feel anything? What's wrong with us? What's wrong with us? What's wrong with us?
And, don't get me started, but what's wrong with them? The cheaters, the enablers, the affair partners, this culture that celebrates infidelity as sexy and forbidden and titillating?
Being a human is hard.
This is not an excuse. Not at all. It is not a way out of accountability. It does not free any of us from what we owe to other human beings – honesty, decency, kindness, respect. It is simply a reminder that it is almost impossible to extend compassion to others, true compassion, if we cannot give it to ourselves.
It is, rather, my own plea that each of us suspend judgement as often as we can. That each of us recognize that we haven't a clue what battles others are waging. Hurt people hurt people. Sometimes with intention. Often not.
My daughter is okay. She has good care and a treatment plan. But being a human is hard, particularly a human with a persistent disease that is difficult to treat and that many continue to deny is real. It's a particular type of pain we feel when others tell us it's not there. That we're not trying hard enough. That we're overreacting. We know that pain, don't we? Invisible to so many.
Being a human is hard.
Sending love to you and your family. I wish I could offer you the help you and this site has given me xx take care xx
ReplyDeleteluppylu,
DeleteThank-you. This site provides plenty of support to me too. I am very lucky to have this community of generous, compassionate, wise souls.
I am so sorry Elle, to you all. All I can offer you is a big hug and for you to know that you and your family are in my thoughts xo
ReplyDeleteThat big hug and your thoughts is a whole lot. Thank-you.
DeleteSending you a huge hug Elle, it seems like we all wanted to start the new year with a fresh new start with more positivity but in reality life is hard. Things will always occur some situations worse than others and i agree...being human is hard, being a woman i feel is even harder. Depresssion and mental health are not talked about enough. My husband said the reason for his betrayal was depression. He stopped caring about himself, his health, the foods he ate. It was all toxic. He says he didnt love himself. He has battled depression on and off and the first lockdown and all the changes that happened i believe was a catalyst for all of our hardships. Although it is not an excuse and we have both clearly stated that, Depression can take a lot from you. Since 2021 has been here my family has had a new loss and one family friend fighting for his life. Driving home last night i found myself letting the feelings and thoughts of my husbands betrayal creep into my head, i then snapped myself out of it and told myself "stop it". There are others around me that are suffering over a loss of a mother and others emotionally torn hoping their father makes it out of the hospital alive. It almost made me feel selfish for trying to mop in my own feelings over my marriage. I have always said "it can be worse", and that is true. Im am slowly but surely learning to appreciate the little things in life and life in general. The betrayal i faced from my husband does not define me and does not define my life, now getting my mind to always think this way is extremely tough but it is a process for me. I have to remember "it could be worse" and since this pandemic has started there are many more humans that have suffered tremendously. I am learning and will be more mindful of all the beautiful moments that life has to offer.
ReplyDeleteA Woman's World,
DeleteI'm sorry for what you're going through. And I hope you can find compassion for your own pain. Yes, it's true that things could be worse. But that doesn't mean your pain isn't valid. Sometimes I think it's important to just let ourselves feel it. We can be grateful for what we have while also recognizing that we're carrying pain.
I’m so sorry to hear what you went through! I can’t imagine how tough things have been.
ReplyDeleteObvious question but is your daughter on antidepressants. They helped me so much. No amount of talking helps if your serotonin levels are off. Wishing you and your family the best for staying safe, happy and well xx H
Anonymous,
DeleteYes, she's on ADs but we have to be careful because she has bipolar so ADs can possibly tip her into mania. It's a delicate cocktail. ;)
I am so glad that your daughter is ok. 5 years ago we were dealing with something similar with my daughter and my husband. Thank God she had a wonderful counselor at school, the hospital ( she spent a week in the hospital) and when she went into therapy. And my husband was hospitalized for 3 days to get help.
ReplyDeleteMy husband at the time of his affair was on Citalipram. The affair lasted only a few weeks. He had been on various medications and ended up mixing them up with old meds because his doctor kept changing them. He was not sleeping well, he worked overnights and then took a day job helping out a friend. My husband totally lost his mind. His personality changed, his values changed, he became another person and very reckless. Citalipram's severe side effects was part of this. He's lucky he didn't die.
But I wonder how many men, including my husband did this as a cry for help. What voices were they listening to. just like our kids did with their suicidal thoughts. I know that bipolar people have a high tendency to have affairs due to being manic. Did they really find the affair satisfying. My husband said no he felt dirty. When he got out of the hospital he kept showering, He said it was because he couldn't get clean, that he was trying to wash the stench of her off him It took a few days for him to stop doing that and I also think it was because he didn't know how to handle telling her to get lost because she kept contacting him through emails. I had blocked her number when he went into the hospital.
When we go through this I think we are so all over the place emotionally and I was stupid enough to have contact with her and that made some of those decisions harder. It made healing harder but, it also made me human. I don't wish this pain anyone even her. She deals with enough of her own pain.
Mental illness isn't always easy to deal with, whether it's us, our spouse or our kids. It's just knowing who to turn to, to get the help we need.
Infidelity, it's such a private yet public journey to go through.
Mental illness absolutely plays a role in many affairs. Undiagnosed depression, ADD, addictions... Affairs are often unconscious attempts to self-medicate. To feel...something. Or to avoid feeling something. Im sorry for all you and your family have gone through.
DeleteFirst, and most importantly, prayers for your daughter’s recovery and peace. I can’t imagine how hard it is for her and you and life during a pandemic can’t be helping the problem.
ReplyDeleteSecond, thank you so much for this beautiful post. Humans are complicated creatures with complex minds and feelings. Understanding that and accepting the shortcomings in one another as long as we are striving to be better is important. I was thinking the other day that “it’s okay to love someone even when they’ve let us down, broke our hearts, and are imperfect”. It’s okay to still love them and want them in our lives. If we can have compassion for them then we certainly can find it for our imperfect selves as well.
SV, you are so very right.....It is okay to love those that have let us down, especially if they are showing us that they are trying to be better people. I need to remind myself of that daily. Thanks for this.
DeleteMy mother put it this way: "He loved you the best he could. His best wasn't very good but it was what he was capable of. Now that he knows better, he can do better." And he has. In no way was she telling me I had to stay with him. Just that he was broken and he needed to learn how to put himself together to become better.
DeletePrayers to you and your daughter/family. One of the worst hurts for a mom is when your kid is hurting, my heart is heavy reading this, take care of them and reminder to take care of YOU! Looking in hope that 2021 is brighter for all of us, Amen ... xoxox to Elle and all warrior princesses on this god sent of a site that was my saving grace and still my continued soft place yo land almost 6 years ago now!
ReplyDeleteThank-you. I love that this is your "safe place to land". We all need that.
DeleteI'm sorry for how hard this must be on the hearts of you and your husband, Elle. Thanks for sharing. Your words are deep and insightful, as always. May 2021 be merciful, in all the ways.
ReplyDeleteMerciful sounds wonderful. May it be so. For all of us.
DeleteOh Elle! Sending you a warm hug and hoping your daughter’s getting all the care she needs. I know you all can emerge from this, stronger!
ReplyDeleteAnd thanks again for the reminder on judgements... every one is fighting their own battles and if being cheated on teaches you one thing, it is that you can never tell who is carrying what load. I almost think it’s made me a better human being and more sensitive to the feelings of others. Much love❤️
Natanangel, It most certainly made me far less certain about others' marriages. None of us knows what's going on. Now, when I see a wife or a husband being snarky, I wonder if it's because they're dealing with the pain of being cheated on, even if they don't yet know it.
DeleteThat last sentence...interesting. I want to hear more...
DeleteNot sure if you're referring to my last sentence or Natanangel's. But if it's me...I'm referring to how full of resentment I was when my husband was cheating (and absent a lot, though I was told he was "working"and so I believe I didn't have reason to complain). I know I was passive-aggressive and so angry though I hadn't yet figured out why. So now, when I see someone behaving similarly, where before I might have thought to myself "poor guy. She is so mean to him", I now think, "I haven't a clue what's going on but she just might be dealing with a world of pain that she can't quite articulate or deal with yet".
DeleteElle, I am so sorry to hear of your daughters struggles. Eighteen years ago my son lost his battle with his illness. Navigating the mental health system is difficult and you are so right when you state that Depression is not recognized as a disease. It is real and so many suffer and it is so very difficult to treat. Wishing you and your family all the best.
ReplyDeleteWendy, I am so so sorry. That is the deepest pain. I hope your memories of your wonderful son give you some comfort.
DeleteOh, Elle. I am so sorry. My teenaged daughter was hospitalized twice this past year for self harm and suicidal ideation and we are trying to get her the right help and diagnosis. There may be more than depression, it seems. She stuffed down the pain of what her father did to her when she was 8 years old (taking her and her little brother out on outings with the AP and her kids) so I know that was one of the things that she carries, among others. Anyway, please reach out if I can offer you any support as you have offered so often to me.
ReplyDeleteThanks MBS. I know you and I have shared similar struggled. I hope your daughter is able to navigate her way out of much of her pain. Like your daughter, mine has a complex diagnoses, which makes it harder to treat. Thank you, always, for your support.
DeleteElle my heart hurt reading all of this, for so many reasons. I’m glad your daughter is doing better and has you. You are such a light to this world and have helped so many people, if there is anything we can do for you, just say ♥️
ReplyDeleteThanks so much for your kindness...
DeleteElle, my heart aches for you reading your post. My thoughts and prayers are with your daughter and you and your family. This must be such an incredibly difficult time for you all. The invisibility, shame, loneliness and isolation of mental illness makes it all the more challenging to treat and heartbreaking to witness. Please know that your community - this incredible and strong tribe you have created with your honest, vulnerable, inspiring, and loving words - is here for you and with you. Mimi
ReplyDeleteThanks, Mimi. We're doing pretty well. But yes, mental illness is challenging.
DeleteAppreciate your kind words.
Oh Elle I am so sorry. Please know I will keep you in my prayers. Yes being a human is very hard. This has been my quandry since my betrayal. Life has so many hardships we have to deal with and endure; illness, death, finances, just to name some of the most difficult. Why on earth add to those life challenges by choosing infidelity? I know I am begging the question. I am sorry.
ReplyDeleteI am praying for you strength and courage. Many hugs
Trying Hard,
DeleteI'm with you 100%. I too think life is hard enough without creating hardships or pain for others and myself. Thanks, always, for your kind words.