Monday, November 6, 2017

Carry On, Warriors

Some things cannot be fixed but they can be carried. 

I was at a funeral last week. My friend's mother passed away and I listened to stories of how this woman and her husband met, the "love at first sight", the courage and strength with which she lived her life. 
It sounded idyllic. A fairytale marriage, a perfect family.
But I know that wasn't true.
I also know it was.
Her life was wonderful. Full of good friends and interesting work. Her husband adored her, though not always. She suffered from depression, which reared its ugly head often. Her daughter was estranged for a number of years for reasons that nobody seems to understand.
And so she had pain in her life. And it was also wonderful. She struggled. And, occasionally, she triumphed.
She lived.
Our lives, which include our marriages, are never just one thing. There is no "perfect" marriage. No fairytale union. 
And yet...how many of us cling to that idea? How many of us imagine that our husband's betrayal of his vows, of his family, of us, lays ruin to our marriage? That the other marriages, the ones we're not in and therefore don't really see, are better? That other families are more loving.
Now I'm certainly not saying that infidelity doesn't devastate a marriage. Of course it does. What I'm saying is that lives contain both struggle and triumph. People disappoint us. We disappoint ourselves. It's all part of the journey.
And, of course, I'm not saying that anybody is required to stay in a marriage marked by infidelity, or, frankly, a marriage that isn't. But I wonder if our language around infidelity, a language that's almost apocalyptic in tenor, makes the idea of healing seem so much less likely. I wonder if it contributes to the lack of nuance in our conversation about infidelity. If it, almost by definition, makes infidelity a deal-breaker, a one-response-fits-all.
In a culture that fetishizes happiness, who wants to make emotional space for such sadness? And yet, sadness is part of the package. If not infidelity, then illness. If not illness, then accident. If not...well, you get the idea.
And without sadness would we value the happiness when it comes our way? Would our compassion evolve? Would we grow?
I can imagine many of you yelling at your computer screen – I would have been, those years ago when I had just discovered my husband's infidelity. I would have been screaming that I can grow without some idiot lying to me. That I can develop compassion by volunteering at the soup kitchen, I don't need my husband getting blow jobs in parking lots. 
And it's all true.
But this is what life handed me. And you.
And we can rail against the unfairness of it. We can spend our days longing for it to be fixed. 
Or we can pick up the burden and carry it for now, off loading some of the pain as we go through, by sharing our story and therapy and radical self-care, until the day comes when we realize the pack we're carrying is maybe not empty but a whole lot lighter.
And, at the end of our lives, when we're being eulogized, those who love us will describe our lives as wonderful. Because they were. 

71 comments:

  1. I can finally post again! yaay. Had to delete my cookies.
    Anyway, I share your perspective as well, Elle. I have been working on having clarity about what his affair is, and what it isn't and that has brought me alot of freedom and relief. I am not a fan of hyperbole and I always look at nuance and contradiction--and I am greatful for this capacity. Your post makes me think of this podcast-Tony Robbins with Esther Perel, which is mostly about marriage and relationships, and I think is truer than some of her take on infidelity. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uXbjS8d2VB0

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    1. MBS - Thank you for the link! I went and listened ... and even sent Part 2 to my WH to listen to the section about "Proving how much you want to stay – giving back your partner’s value" ... it was certainly a true representation of what I'm struggling with most right in this moment. Hopefully he'll take the time to listen. If you haven't, I'd say go out to Tony's website and listen to Part 2 in its entirety (the version on Youtube cut off at 39 mins). https://www.tonyrobbins.com/podcasts/why-do-people-cheat/

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    2. Thanks MBS - started listening, just need more time.
      Gabby xo

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  2. Elle
    I love this post! I'm getting such comfort from you! I had a major trigger this weekend. This was supposed to be our first full year with no contact from the cow. I still occasionally have seen her car in our neighborhood but she had not attempted contact due to the restraining order and she just had to look at his LinkedIn profile two days prior to me being curious when the notification lit up his phone. It wasn't late but he had fallen asleep on the couch while we watched football all day and we had the best day with our grandchildren. I just started shaking and my trigger was so deep. I had to wake him and tell him that I saw it and I explained how it made me feel. He held me in his arms and just whispered I'm so sorry that I did this to us. Then we went to bed and he held my trembling body close and whispered I love you over and over. I finally fell asleep and then the next morning we avoided the discussion for the first cup of coffee and then I asked him if he looked and saw the notification. He said yes and then he panicked and asked if I'd looked at her profile and I said no. He explained that if I had it would notify her that he had looked. So we decided that we ignore this attempt but we will notify the attorney if we see her back on our street or she attempts at texting. I'm calmer today and your post could not be more soothing than to remind me that this too is just a bump on our road and even if it's a bumpy road we can work our way over and onto a smoother road!

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    1. Theresa,
      It sounds like she has an obsession with your husband just like the OW did my husband. I'm so grateful that he OW can't drive by our house anymore. We moved across the country to get away from her and her friends. My husband does and says the same things your husband does to comfort me when I have triggers. Your husband loves you very much. My husband has blocked this woman and her friends on his Facebook page but that doesn't stop them from looking at mine. I didn't block them, I want them to see what they didn't destroy but, boy do I understand those triggers. I'm glad today was a better day for you. When I get those triggers they last for days on end. You are very resilient.
      Cathy

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    2. Cathy
      She is morbidly obsessed with my h and she thought she was going to be helping him through divorce as he was there for her when she destroyed her marriage. I'm trying so hard not to be a bitter mess but when I trigger because once again she is still doing her best to get between us but truth is she is driving my h to work even harder to keep us together. I'm very resilient as I had no choice given that I was raised by a very controlling and sometimes abusing mother. I'm still a hot mess at the thought of her continuing to chase the daydream of a relationship with my h. Just drives me nuts!

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    3. Theresa, so sorry this happened. I know that trembling trigger moment well. I’m so happy he knew what to do and how to handle your heart and trembling body. I hope you can get to a point where she goes away. I can’t imagine the amount of crazy that doesn’t give up even with legal action. Hugs

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    4. Aw Theresa, I'm so sorry this happened to you. This woman is toxic. But I'm so glad your husband was able to be so emotionally present for you and to take responsibility. If only every husband was capable of simply saying "I'm sorry I did this to us." But kudos to you for being able to state your feelings, be gentle with yourself and rebound.

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  3. Elle .. This is absolutely wonderful, I know I wouldn’t be the person I am without the ebb and flows of life.. I make sure I spend time everyday thanking god for all that I am. I’m grateful to you Elle for all you have given me on this site .. I’ve been here 4 years and this is my daily therapy I’m so lucky to have you and all the other ladies in my life... love you lots. Your an amazing woman xxx

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    1. Sam A,
      I had to delete some old comments on a really popular post from 2013 (for some reason, once we hit 200 comments, they no longer show up) and I saw something you posted! And I couldn't believe it has been that long.
      I'm happy that you still find this place of value. You add so much to this site with your words and your kindness.

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  4. Thank you for this, at 10 months from D-Day I am finally starting to see there have been gifts in my spouses sex addiction and the revelation of it. I could not have found these positives without all of you, and also I listen to a CD in my car which is in part about a book called The Untethered Soul by Michael A. Singer. There are some spiritual words in the link of this CD below and if that doesn't fit for you that's ok it can be ignored, but I know the messages will

    http://podcast.centreforspirit.com/media/slp-2017-10-29.mp3
    and
    http://podcast.centreforspirit.com/media/slp-2017-10-08.mp3

    Life is long and not all rainbows and butterflies. It's how we react and think and feel to uncomfortable events that allows us (in time) to either heal, accept and move on, or stay stuck in pain and trauma. This is the most horrible event that has happened in my life, and there is not a damn thing I can do to change it. What I CAN do is allow this trauma to move "through" me and not stay "stuck" in me. And that is a decision I must make for ME.

    The book has has helped me realize that we can decide to let go of every single betrayal, trauma and painful life experience - you just have to decide and have peace with letting it go.

    Personally, having these 3 simple words to "let it go" has been extremely powerful and healing. It is not easy every time a feeling or memory comes up (and these happen many many many times), but I get so much peace to tell myself that I can let this go.

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    1. Spouse of a SA - thank you for your post. I want to look into that book - it sounds like it could be what I am needing in my life right now. I've tried many times over the years to "let it go" and remind myself that it is okay to let it go and move forward, but seeing how I am feeling now, and looking back - I wasn't ready. Now, I feel I am getting more and more ready each day. I have had some pretty hard things happen in my life - some I would never choose to go through again. This being one of them...and I never, ever imagined the hurt would be so deep. Maybe because I did slowly see the emotional distance between us and him growing closer to OW...I saw it and couldn't stop it. I just never imagined it would this hard to heal. But your words here - "...is allow this trauma to move through me and not stay stuck in me..." really hit home with that I've been feeling. Even though I've told myself to stop playing the victim, I feel I am finally ready to let that go. Thank you for sharing...and sending hugs your way!

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    2. Thank you Jules and 100 hugs back to you - I'm so happy to hear you're ready!

      I'm struggling today (well I was until I started writing this - and I pay big bucks for a therapist!) but I know that life can be uncomfortable and this feeling and the thoughts can go through me - but only if I allow it. I also believe we need to look at things long enough and as many times as it takes until it no longer has power over us - it sounds like you've done that and the time for you is now. Wonderful!

      It's strange, today as I was listening to one of the podcasts I pasted above I realize that I'm having a hard time with the act of/or even just the word forgiveness, but the 3 words "let it go" seem to help me. When I get triggered (usually from me ruminating), I literally feel a ball of YUCK stuck in my chest, arms and hands; I feel strong like the HULK that I'm guessing is rage. If I close my eyes and understand what has triggered me and imagine the rage/feeling/trauma/pain go "through" me like air, I have peace.

      My spouse is extremely remorseful and is doing his part in staying healthy, and I need to do that as well - for ME. I believe our love story is just beginning xoxo

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    3. Spouse of a SA - how are you doing today? Sounds like you were having a tough one part of yesterday but then it got a bit better? I sure hope so!

      Hearing you say ruminating - I had never heard that term until I was working with a therapist and I she identified for me how much time I spend doing just that - ruminating. I replay things over and over in my mind about the past, or what I think may happen in the future and it keeps me from living in the present. I also read way too much...however, just this morning I was doing some reading about rebuilding trust after an affair and I read this "Stay present-oriented. One of the most difficult things about rebuilding trust after someone cheats is staying in the present moment and building toward the future, rather than living in or worrying about the past." And talking about eventually needing to LET GO of those feelings. That was something I realized a while back and think I wrote on here - that I was spending all of my time in the past OR even more of my time imagining a negative future. Nothing was positive.

      I have anxiety each day because my husband still works with the OW. That is a huge risk - I know it is and honestly, deep down I think my husband does, too. I believe that there are new boundaries he has set with her - I feel it in our relationship - but there are still things he is working to change, like group meetings not sitting by her, or even being more open with me about things. It's hard to explain - there aren't the lies or the hiding like in the past, but he is still working through things, too.

      But what I do know is that I am starting to learn and finally believe that I cannot control him. And the more I try to control him or the situation by checking, by asking questions, interrogating, whatever- I am keeping myself stuck in the past, ruminating and I very much feel what you describe above. That heaviness in my chest.

      I pray that we have a solid, loving, happy future ahead of us. But I can't control his choices. I can love myself, and I can love him, right here, today, in this moment. Enjoying what we are working to build.

      I am kind of like you and forgiveness...in a lot of ways, I think I have already forgiven him for a lot of the past. I can understand what happened between us and such. But I still struggle with what that actual forgiveness for ME looks like.

      Hugs to you today!

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    4. Spouse of SA and Jules, This is so much of what makes our healing possible -- reaching out to and supporting each other, making room for each other's good and bad days.

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    5. Oh Jules, thank you so much for checking in on me <3 I hope you're still on a good path. Please let me know how you are.

      I'm still struggling today and I know it's due to me thinking over and over and over. I have learned that this over-thinking affects me most when I'm PMS'ing....I can usually tell myself "he's not doing it today and he's a good man today so stop it!"...but that's not working the last couple of days, so....hello hormones! This will pass.

      You're right, we cannot control anyone. We tell ourselves that "if so-and-so just did this, or so-and-so didn't do that then I would be ok". The fact is that this is ALL part of the amazing journey we call life. How we react and process will either allow us to let it go in time, or stay stuck. Of course it depends on their current behavior as well, but we cannot change the past or predict the future.

      Like you, when I ruminate I go over the past conversations, questions and his responses and answers. I fully admit that I didn't push further than the simple head shakes or answers he gave me. Even at the time the red flags were so blinding, yet I crawled under the flag in fear. Fear he would end our relationship again due to what I thought was depression and anxiety, fear of the truth, fear of needing to take action, but mostly - I truly wanted to believe him.

      When I'm ruminating and think of our past conversations, I have new conversations in my head - you know like when you go home after being bullied and say "I should have said or done this instead!" I realized this morning that the new conversations and questions are actually my new boundaries coming out. I'm happy I realized this, but cannot stay there because it cannot be changed. I can only have new real conversations.

      I read in one of your other posts that you saw what was happening but couldn't stop it. My neck is getting really sore from looking back, and when I look back my whole body and thoughts become misaligned. I've looked long enough at bad, painful and horrible - but I have also chosen to look for positives in this; and I have found them. There is nothing I can do back there, so it's time to look ahead and get healthy.

      Maybe forgiveness for you can look exactly as you described it above "....I can love myself, and I can love him, right here, today, in this moment. Enjoying what we are working to build." Your words alone made my chest feel lighter.

      You have made a choice; it can be that simple provided everyone is doing what they have promised to do today, and that promise is acceptable to you.

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    6. Spouse of a SA...I read your response here last night and was moved to tears and lots of head nodding thinking "yes, yes, yes." I am doing okay. I think we are so much alike - so much of what you described is what I do - thinking back to past conversations, or things I overheard that I should not have (some he knows about, some he doesn't) and it just makes me crazy. I tortured myself for a long time looking for definite signs and they were there, but I kept wanting to believe. To trust. To think the best, not the worst. And a lot of those things I have not ever told him. I have to live with them, knowledge I have and sometimes I think I should tell him and other times I think that is so far in the past it is time to just move on. It's the ruminating, the looking back that is the worst. And it's done. Like you, my neck is killing me looking back and I, too, am misaligned.

      Sometimes I think "what has really changed" when we are sitting around as a family at home, watching tv. I think this isn't any different than 2, 3, 4 years ago and I get scared. But if I am really honest - it is different. It is alot different. We sit together, we hold hands, we talk about what we watch on TV or we talk more about what our kids are doing. We snuggle at bed time, which we used to for years just give a quick kiss and roll over. We are both happier, we are both more content, we are both more relaxed with each other - IT IS DIFFERENT. If I can focus on that, and likie you said reminding myself that "he's not doing it today, he's a good man today" it eases.

      I know I am in a different boat than most because he does have daily access to her. THere are things I will never know or never see...but if I listen to his words, but also really listen to his actions - I know he is different. He is trying harder, he is working harder on work while at work, he is brining more home so I know he is working harder to get things done. He comes home as soon as he can. We connect at lunch on the phone. Things are different.

      And at the end of the day - I know, I believe I can heal myself. No matter what happens tomorrow, I can heal myself so that even if he hurts me again in this way - I know what I will do and I know that I will be okay.

      I will be okay because I am okay!

      Hugs!

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    7. Jules you are okay because you're amazing and not eternally broken.

      I have so much respect for you Jules! You are very strong knowing they still work together. Whether it be one affair or in my case many, we need to remember that THEY were broken - there was nothing lacking or wrong with us. I don't know what happened in your situation, but for my spouse he searched for anything that was more broken than him so he could feel better about himself - I was not more broken, and that is all. Like you, I am better than the OW - she/they didn't even come close to us and this experience made our husbands truly know and see and feel how amazing WE are. If they didn't know this as fact, they would not have changed or be fighting so hard for us. We are the best and they know this now.

      Personally, in order to fight my bitterness I must have compassion. As Thich Nhat Hahn said "When another person makes you suffer, it is because he suffers so deeply within himself, and his suffering is spilling over. He does not need punishment, he needs help. That is the message that he is sending." My husband attempted suicide from his shame and guilt, and almost succeeded. He needs help.

      It sounds like your husband is extremely remorseful and is doing some really wonderful things and you are very close. It sounds as though you are more intimate in every way and especially -- maybe most importantly -- emotionally. He is more sensitive now. These are the positives that have found us as well. I believed our relationship was amazing before I found all of this out, but with how we are now I can see we were just surface, routine, robotic etc. My spouse is a recovering sex addict which means he had an intimacy disorder. Now, after all of our years, we have intimacy and it feels AMAZING. Yes we can still be in pain and hurt over the past, but I would never want to go back to the before. From the sounds of it you have something so much deeper now, something so special, and something that many couples never experience.

      Getting through a painful experience is like moving from one monkey bar to the next - you need to let go at some point to move on to the next bar. At 10 months in I have decided to take an active approach because I don't want to just hang there. I know I will be happy eventually, so what am I waiting for? They say this can take 3-5 years to recover from, but who says it has to take that long? I am one of the lucky ones like you in that our husbands are good now, they are being vulnerable, they are remorseful, they are disgusted with themselves, they have stopped.

      It is ok to still love him today, today is all we know. Worrying about something that may never happen is taking away today's peace.

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    8. Spouse of a SA,
      That quote is one I need to read over and over. I do still struggle with compassion, with forgiveness. That bitterness and resentment is mainly directed at the OW. Not in person, but in my mind and my heart. I have worked through most of it with my husband, who continues to be remorseful and lives a dramatically different life now. My ability to feel compassion for her comes and goes. Just today, I told my husband I think I still hate her and it doesn’t sit well with he. As far as I know, it hurts only me as it appears she has moved on with her life. When the hatred creeps back in, I try to remind myself that it takes someone SO broken to have done the things she’s done. I hope that continuing to remind myself of that will eventually help me free myself from the bitterness and anger.

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    9. Ruminating was a new word for me this week. (Sad that it took this circumstance to teach me so many new things!). I used it to my advantage this week, however. I went back through e-mails and texts - sadly I don't have my original phone from the first few days post DDay -- it got chucked out of a moving vehicle after he revealed to me that he was struggling because he had feelings for her.

      But what I found was that my H was telling me things that had meaning ... and in the moment that I was reading the words I completely missed the meaning he was giving. The hurt from the memories of how I felt in those moments was overwhelming at times but the new eyes on seeing what he said and did helped me to feel lighter and more secure. He's been telling me since Day 1 that he wanted me ... and I was choosing to not see it.

      So ruminating can be an awful thing but it can also be something that helps heal.

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  5. I find this comforting as I face a crossroads w my h. I've learned from my work on depression that everything is a mixture of good and bad and I know that there is a lot of goodness in the world outside of the pain of the relationship.Some have been following recent events. I discovered some intense texts from a woman from this year. Husband attempted to fudge. I drew a line in the sand, he was on the couch. I found more emails showing he'd invited her for lunches and coffees. Subequently he agreed to create a transparency document. He included the coffee and text invites (not knowing that I already knew) but he also told me he'd kissed an ex girlfriend in 2013, while his other emotional affair was going on. This April I found porn which he'd hidden from me. Again I begged him to stop deceiving and asked him to tell me if there was anything in the past he'd left out. He lied and said no (not mentioning the kiss). Now I find that after four years, so many promises of doing everything necessary to heal (and it's been patchy, very poor with triggers, slipped up several times about contact when out late etc) he's been going to lunch with emotionally vulnerable women (there were two) where there was a frisson of interest either from them or him. It was the thing I clearly stated would hurt me. One woman is from the acting course I encouraged him to take up. (aarggh) He has hidden and lied all the way along (back to 2004 onwards w porn use). He can't seem to stop himself having his ego stroked by woman He says he will do counselling and we will do marriage counselling but right now I have no reason to believe that he will change, I don't want to waste any more of my life, so much has been already lost through poor mental health and living in this twilight. I don't want to break up the home for the four kids and cause more stress but I really don't see how I can believe in him not hurting us all again. I've known him for more than 25 years and now I can see that some of this stuff with women goes right back to then. I just want to live a life free of confusion and this mental exhaustion. I need to seperate at least mentally (and physically within the house) from him as a first step. After that I just don't know. It's so hard.

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    1. Fragments, I am so sorry you are going through this. Isn't that our worst fear, is that our husbands won't be the man they claim to be after the affair? that they haven't changed, that they could be getting better at hiding and lying? what happened to Honorable, faithful, loyal, honesty? I agree that you need to reevaluate. I don't know that I could continue on in that situation. I am only 11 mo from dday, but to know that it goes back so far and for so long and for things to keep happening, would make me fear that things won't change. If he doesn't stop doing what he is doing, then he obviously doesn't have his priorities straight and is continuing to only think about himself. He needs to be completely transparent at this point. Anything else is just not good enough...
      Hugs.

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    2. FOH, Everything you are saying makes so much sense. You have given him opportunities to help you trust him. And he has squandered them. He has said he will "get help" but he hasn't. I'm unclear whether it's your mental health struggles or his or both but you need to make yourself a priority. Staying in a marriage in which there's no trust and one partner consistently keeps the other on tenterhooks is unhealthy for everybody. It's possible to separate and be amicable and provide an environment for the kids of mutual respect and decency. But one thing about your comment is clear: You are doing everything you can and he is not. That tells you everything you need to know about moving forward. He is empty and looking for others to fill his emptiness. You are full and willing to share that with others. But you need to determine who deserves you. And who doesn't.

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    3. Thinking of you FOH! Elle is right, you’ve done all you can and more. Xo

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    4. Thanks everyone. The poor mental health I was referring to is mine, the anxiety and depression caused by triggers, not being able to do my beloved writing because my head was so full. I think what is going on with him is very complicated - we had our first counselling session today. I actually feel happy that I am taking a stand and that steps are being taken with a third party (counsellor) looking on to see what is feasible at this stage. I'm looking after myself and continuing to work on my own mental health and getting my life back in shape.

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    5. FOH,
      Good. I'm glad to hear that you're prioritizing yourself and your health. Regarding writing, I know how awful it is to feel too muddled to write. But I imagine you've heard of Julia Cameron's (The Artist's Way) "Morning Pages"? She advises sitting down and writing three full 8.5x11 pages longhand every single morning. It's a way to clear the clutter to let the ideas and imagination emerge. A way to unload. I find it incredibly helpful and it has helped, literally, millions of writers get out of their own way.

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  6. Oh Elle - I am continually amazed at how many times I read your words and cry and nod my head at the screen thinking "this is exactly what I needed in this moment." Thank you. Thank you. I've been quiet on here for a bit, working on myself, my anxiety, trying to heal more pieces of myself and now relying on my husband to do it for me. And it's been good. The anxiety is still there, and will always be to some degree because he still has work contact with the former OW. However, recently I have been feeling a little lighter by some choices I've made - some choices to really let go of what I can't control, to let go of the illusion that if I just can check his e-mail, or ask this right, or say this the correct way that I have any kind of control over what he does in the end anyway. And like you, having been to a funeral recently of someone who passed away too young - and knowing her life was such a struggle for her - I was having similar thoughts as you so eloquently have written here.

    I have also been thinking that it's okay to live with the "good enough" sometimes. I have a long way to go to heal. My husband has a long way to go to heal. Our marriage has a long way to go to really heal...but right now, today, we are good enough. We have love, we have joy, we have happiness...along side the anxiety, the pain, the past. And it's good enough. It's okay to celebrate what we can, because we all know this life is fleeting. It can be gone in an instant.

    That doesn't mean that his infidelity was okay. It doesn't even mean that him still working with her is okay. But what it does mean for me is that i can continue to heal and love and smile and cry...and enjoy this life, too.

    Not sure if I am making sense. I was just so touched by this post. Thank you, Ell.

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    1. Jules, Yes you are making complete sense. And please know that your anxiety about your marriage and what you can't control dissipates the clearer you become about your own boundaries. You have invited this person to be a part of your rich and interesting life. But you get to rescind that invitation any time he doesn't see it as the gift it is. Brené Brown spoke recently about saying 'no' to invitations to crappy parties. If our marriage ever becomes a crappy party, we get to say 'no' to it. And when we realize that's entirely in our control, it frees us up to feel safe saying 'yes' when it's a good party. Hope that makes sense to you.
      And thanks for your kind words. Honestly, this site isn't me -- it's the incredible group of women who congregate here and constantly amaze me with their insight and their compassion and their incredible willingness to keep their hearts open.

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  7. Thank you, Elle. This is beautiful. I have spent some time, actually, thinking about how I will review my life and choices at the end of my life. At first, I had lots of trouble imagining this. It seemed my H's affairs derailed my whole identity. How could I see my life as anything other than a failure ever again? Despite all my efforts, my life was ruined. Forever. By someone else's selfishness. But now, after what is about a year and a half of solid work and self care, I see it differently. I can imagine 2 scenarios, but I know there are more. My marriage might survive the rest of my life, and I would feel proud of how I managed the storm of infidelity. If my marriage doesn't, I would feel proud of how I managed the storm of infidelity too. Equally proud. My grace and dignity eventually returned, and I don't use my marriage as a measuring stick for my personal success or failure anymore. I care about my marriage and put energy there, but I will be complete and feel successful by facing my troubled times and doing the best I can for others and myself. His infidelity in the past or in the future is not what matters most about the core of my identity. What matters most, the part that is MY story, is about resilience and compassion and letting go of control. I will look back and marvel about how I did that. I already do!

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    1. Ann,
      I love they way you tell how you feel about everything. Being resilient, having compassion and letting go of control is something I've had a hard time doing at least towards certain people. I find that it has carried over to my job and I find I have to let certain things go there too. But I've dealt with it with grace and dignity. I'm still trying to find more about who I am everyday including not worrying about failing at something but learning from it. I guess that would be self care. I listened to Mark Manson's book that you recommended to everyone and really liked it. Thank you for recommending it.
      Cathy

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    2. ann - beautiful words and so much of what I feel, too. I think all of my marriage, 20 years of it, I have always assume it could be better - that if husband would just do this, or we could just do that, or I could just feel this, we would be happy like everyone else. What I am starting to realize is no marriage is perfect and at the end of my life, I can't let that solely define me. Nor can I let my kids and what they do define me. Like you say here, I want to get to that point where I feel equally proud at the end of my days whether my marriage survives or not. Right now - I am thankful we are surviving and feel it is "good enough" at this moment. Maybe that is enough for right now. (hugs)

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    3. Oh Ann, do I remember being there. My life was utterly ruined. I would NEVER feel whole again. I felt sentenced, thanks to not wanting to disrupt the lives of my three children, to being stuck in a horrible marriage with a horrible man who did not deserve me. Fast forward 10 years, and I love this "horrible man" in a way that I don't think I did even when I was saying "I do". He has earned my respect and my admiration and my love. Perhaps more to the point, I have earned my own respect and admiration and love. And that's really where it all starts.

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    4. Ann,

      As I’ve gotten older of course, I review my choices made. Was I a good example for my children or should I have left. My adult daughter was cheated on by her husband a yr ago but adores her father and our son has a cool relationship with both of us. He was so angry when he found out about the affair when he left for college. But 30 yrs later and a recent scary weekend as we awaited tests results to see if my cancer had come back, my husband held my hand, gave me hugs, and cried thru the night. Thankfully the cancer isn’t back but he said once again that carries the weight of the affairs everyday he is alive. Old age is definitely filled with regret but I’ve told him a good love story is bittersweet and as Elle said, you can’t feel joy until you feel pain. You can’t get through this life without some loss but you can really really see the beauty in some day somewhere even if it’s as simple as looking at autumn leaves. Peace & joy to all who are beginning the journey of healing!

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  8. Frankly, I'm ready to start lightening the load ... it's exhausting. :) I've been struggling the past few months with reconciling my idea of my self-worth with how my WH actually views me. Why are we our worst critics?

    Elle, I think that what this shows us is that at the end of the day, there will be those who realize the true story of our journey, but most will remember us for the good times, the way we made them feel, the stories that we shared. I think that's powerful to remember - especially when we're trying to reconcile. We could focus on the negative ... and we could dwell on the pain and hurt ... but in the end we want to remember what was also there - joy, laughter, love.

    I think I'll start zig zagging through this jungle of recovery and letting my load lighten. I'm going to zig-zag so that the path is so random I never find my way back here!

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    1. Kimberly, Please do put down your load, at least now and again. And then decide if you want to pick it up again.
      There's a saying in 12-step groups along the lines of "what you think of me is none of my business" and it reminds us to stop giving away so much of our power to other people. You get to live your life aligned with your values. Whether your husband sees that or not isn't your problem. And if you need to remind yourself, every single day, that you are doing your best to live a life aligned with you values, then do it. And when you go to bed each night, give yourself a pat on the back for doing your best. And forgive yourself for the days when your best doesn't feel so hot.
      Put down the load, Kimberly.

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    2. So well said, Elle. And wise words - many times Elle has reminded me to put down my load and rest for a while (in different terms). I think we get so tired trying to do it all, be all, to everyone in our lives - we forget that we count, too and that it is okay to just be. To rest. To let down our load.

      Great words here, Elle, that I took to heart today, too - and from your response to me above. I need to stop worrying so much about what others think of me, including my husband. In the end - I need to love myself no matter what happens in this marriage or this life. If I don't love me, who else will? it seems so simple, yet so hard sometimes. I have spent so much time, probably most of my marriage, worrying if I am enough for my husband or if he likes this or wants that or if he just likes who I am. Obviously I still want to be a good wife/friend/mom...but who really cares if I said or did or am the right thing for him? That is for him to decide. I don't want to be hurt again...but that doesn't mean I have to keep playing the victim.
      Thanks for the gentle reminders to all of us!

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  9. I really like this. Nobody has a perfect marriage. But society seems to think that because our spouse had an affair we should kick them to the curb to be happy. I think that we take what we learn and grow from it. Our happiness comes back and that is what people see and talk about when we depart this earth. I read Brene Brown and talk to God to make me feel better. I find little signs along the way that let me know that I'm on the right path for healing. I try never to let what the OW has done or said to me trying to manipulate me to think that I was the bad person in all of this journey. She told my husband that I was evil and crazy but in reality it's what she see's in herself when she looks in the mirror everyday. Her life has become a shadow of what it was and she lost way more than I did. I think about all I could have lost but am so grateful for what I've gained. Putting this behind us isn't easy but in the end people will know that my husband adores me and tries everyday to show me that he does. Esther Perel talking about affairs bringing some couples closer together has some merit. It brought us back to each other and has made us closer then before. I hope others on here find hope, gratitude and happiness again. It's not an easy journey but in the end we find ourselves again, we grow from it and are able to help others who travel this path too.
    Cathy

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    1. Cathy,
      Yep, we each get to walk our own path. As long as we're treating ourselves with respect and making a choice that aligns with our values, then it's the right one.

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  10. This is so powerful and what I need to hear and keep telling myself. For me I get caught up on the narrative society puts forth regarding infidelity, marriage, families etc. I know and knew ever before dday nothing is as it seems. But it is so hard when caught in the middle of this. I know it all intellectually but get caught up emotionally at times. I get a pit in my stomach when I read or hear gushing words between couples. It can be in a movie/tv show/book or it can be someone in real life. I know this is my reality and I can see the good that has come from it but I am still plagued by I guess the negative feelings that hang over me that it is not that fairy tail. I cannot look back on my wedding day and say it was so great or we were meant for each other. I struggle the most over my husband using the reason for his affairs that he should not have gotten married and was never ready. It is a huge road block for me and I struggle with how to get over it. I feel like if we did not have kids then we would not be together. So should we be together now if all those things are the case. I guess I feel like we are together sort of by accident. There is a lot of good now and I can see that. I honestly told my husband last night it feels too good to be true and I feel like I am in the twilight zone. All in a good way but it seems odd to feel this way after everything that has happened. I know some of that feeling relates to being scared of letting myself be vulnerable.

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    1. Hopeful - was this "revelation" about his affair during the affair fog days ... or later?

      I find myself struggling with allowing the words spoken during the affair fog to derail me in my healing journey. I have to believe that the words spoken after are real and that I can believe them.

      And I too have spent a lot of time thinking about why he really stayed. I keep thinking I should have had a little dignity for myself and walked away. Made him beg me to take him back. Made him work towards gaining my love again. Instead I dug in and eventually he decided I was what he wanted. But in my most vulnerable moments, him staying is not a positive thing -- it's just another sign of his weakness.

      Gah, I hate this "new reality" I live in!

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    2. Kimberly, do you mean about him saying he should have never gotten married when he did? That was all after. It was told to me on dday 2 and he has brought it up other times. Basically it is his "reason/excuse" as to why he did what he did beyond just being a selfish. I did press him and this is when he said it to me. I mean if that is how he feels and reflects back. I guess it is one of those things you cannot unhear. And I know nothing will ever be prefect or ideal and I never thought our marriage would be or was perfect. But my biggest struggle with this is I never brought up getting married, zero conversations or pressure. I was honestly shocked. Maybe looking back that should have been a sign. We knew each other for many years and things were going well but I was very happy and focused on my career and friends. Then he was the one to push for kids. It just feels odd to me. I honestly thing this is an excuse for him but it has me holding back and also somewhat resentful towards him. I agree some days I wonder should I have walked away. But after 20+ years and taking into account our kids is a major factor for me. I would not stay if it was horrible or I was clinically depressed. But I guess it makes me question everything pretty much on a daily basis. My husband has done almost everything right. He is not perfect but he really has made a major transformation and I think he has changed. Ugh it is so hard!

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    3. Hopeful30,
      Those cultural messages of fairytale marriages are so ingrained in our hearts and brains. And yet, there isn't a single marriage that I know of that hasn't been marked by struggle. Even the "perfect" ones. Perhaps, especially the "perfect" ones.
      I wonder if you were to write the story of your life, if you might reframe it. Reclaim it for yourself. Stop letting your husband's story ("I got married too young") be the dominant narrative. What about YOU? Look at everything YOU have done, including having the strength to give someone who deeply disappointed you the chance to be a better version of himself. Look at your strength, your compassion, the mother you've been, the wife you've been. You're a badass warrior, Hopeful30. Even in the days of having a pretty shitty husband, you showed up and you loved your family and you created a lovely home. That's incredible. And just because your husband was lying to you and deceiving you doesn't make YOU any less awesome. It simply makes HIM less awesome. And the fact that you two can talk about this now and build a better marriage now is a sign of strength and character. It's something to be proud of. You're building something good out of a marriage that was reduced to rubble. Yours is a hero's journey, Hopeful30.

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  11. Yes, this is very true.

    I never have time to go to movies or sit and watch them, but last Friday I was dealing with a head cold so decided to sit. I remember someone on here mentioning The Big Sick movie, so I got loaded up. I also remember mention that there was an affair that is exposed. To be honest, I seem to hit those in about anything I turn on these days, so I felt good about making it through. I watched most of the movie by myself and then my H wandered upstairs. Having no idea when this affair comes into play, I wasn’t feeling particularly edgy that it would be revealed while he joined me. Well, within 3 minutes boom! I sat there while the elephant stood between us AWKWARD. In the end, it was good for him to hear the regret of this man and the agony that this does not simply go away. AND the pain and anger lingers on and ripples to other painful life events if not dealt with.

    When painful moments arise with you kids, aging parents, etc you need to know your H is capable of helping with that pain. You can’t carry it alone. So many of us carry this affair pain on our own and then get hit with additional pain in the days, weeks or months after that. It’s so very hard when you are completely broken inside to deal with a second issue.

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    1. I loved the way this was dealt with in The Big Sick. I found the husband's regret to be an important reminder that even the cheater suffers when there's infidelity. Nobody wins.
      And yes, it doesn't just go away. It requires examination and time and honest commitment to figuring out how to use the cracks it exposes for something better. And that something better includes creating a partnership in which you are there for each other, no matter how uncomfortable it becomes.

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  12. "But I wonder if our language around infidelity, a language that's almost apocalyptic in tenor, makes the idea of healing seem so much less likely. I wonder if it contributes to the lack of nuance in our conversation about infidelity. If it, almost by definition, makes infidelity a deal-breaker, a one-response-fits-all."
    ^^^
    This. Wow. Speaking right to my heart today, Elle. What a beautiful reminder -- all lives have beauty and pain. This post healed a tiny piece of my heart today. Thank you.

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    1. New Mom,
      I'm glad it did. It's so hard to realize, when you're first dealing with this, that is really does just become a part of your life, sometimes not even such a huge part. My husband was a sex addict who cheated on me for the first 12 years of our relationship. Crazy huh? And yet today, I consider him my best friend, a wonderful husband and partner. What he did was part of what got us where we are. Would have been nice to get here without all that pain!!! But that's just not the way things went. The women I know who've gone through this-- whether they stayed or not -- have healed because they made themselves their priority. They determined what to do based on what felt right for them. I have friends who've stayed, friends who've remarried other people, friends who are single. But all are happy with the choice they made to treat themselves with respect and dignity, even when the people in their lives couldn't do the same.

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  13. You make perfect sense Jules, welcome Back xxx

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  14. Oh Heartfelt i think it was me who mentioned The Big Sick, I hope that that scene cut to your husbands heart and I hope you liked the movie. I have so much to say but my GOSH the women on this site are just amazing. I throw that word around a lot, but I could re-read every post here, along with your words Elle, again and again--inspiring , even in the painful words. We are a remarkable group of compassionate women. We all deserve the best--and even enough. Jules--hugs. wow.

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    1. It feels like such a privilege to be among the women (and occasional man!) on this site. I agree -- remarkable.
      And I loved The Big Sick. So rare to see an affair treated so realistically and tenderly. As a stupid choice that had horrible, long-lasting consequences.

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    2. Steam, I loved the movie. I never get to go to movies and never have a moment to watch one at home. It’s nice to hit a great one, because that is so rare.
      I too love all the tips and recommendations that all of you give on here. It’s my daily sacred time to lock in and read here. Love it!

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  15. There are many thoughts and emotions roiling around in my head. I will be the first to admit my language around his infidelity has become quite salty. I am sad/pissed that our life has been turned upside down. I hate his whore and truly wish terrible things on her and her family.

    That said, I was hit with a revelation Sunday. He has always found some way to defend her. Saw an email when I just suspected the affair and I had sent her a text telling her and her kids to stay away and for her to basically fuck herself. He told her he would never put her in harms way. The list of him protecting her and harming my well being is a mile long.

    I realized the reason he has defended her, lied to me is because while he loves me and is a good provider, he is truly in love with her. But after I told her boyfriend, I think he keeps that whore on a very tight leash.

    I don't know how to split up. But I think we need to. I'm scared.

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    1. Beagle Mom,
      I'm going to suggest a different lens. You might be right in your assessment. Or it might be that he's victim of that "white knight" syndrome, whereby these guys see themselves as some hero to this poor beleaguered woman who, through no fault of her own, is mistreated, or misunderstood, or otherwise victimized. It's so much easier to defend someone who seems incapable of defending herself than it is to defend someone who's been deeply wounded and is angry. Anger seems like power unless you really understand the hurt behind it.
      I'd be inclined to give him the choice. He either re-commits to his marriage, which includes truly taking steps to understand the pain he's caused you, or he leaves. No in betweens.
      And, Beagle Mom, of course you're scared. This is uncharted territory for you and you have kids who will be impacted. So let yourself be scared but don't let it paralyze you. Trust that you are stronger than you realize. And trust that, as long as your'e acting from a place of self-respect, you will make the right choice.
      You don't have to be a consolation prize, or a runner-up. You deserve a partner who realizes how lucky he is to have you. Your husband might be that guy. But until he stops prioritizing this OW's feelings over yours, he sure ain't.

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  16. Elle, this is so powerful. I've been a little quiet on this blog but I read it daily. I read most of the sections and I ponder my emotional state throughout the day, some days. We have been here in the beautiful Sonoran Desert two months today. I'm loving the warm and the ability to get outdoors to swim and move my aging body. Husband and I have had some really deep conversations, usually after I fall down that rabbit hole. Honestly he seems to have a very good understanding of himself and how he got to be the guy he hated. Family of origin stuff really stinks although many of us choose something other than sex to numb that pain. I know that I am approaching some invisible milestone regarding my life with him. I struggle to figure out how to face those fairy tale moments/memories (marriage for example) that corrupt my thinking and encourage me to create only positive memories and expectations instead of remembering all those times when I absolutely hated my husband for his actions or lack of them when we were struggling with adverse things in our lives. I stuck it out and used alcohol to numb myself at times while he used porn and prostitutes in addition to the alcohol. I actually believe him when he says that he understands where that black hole inside of him came from and how he internalized all the things his father especially said to him. His mother was a piece of work too. He is reminded every day of his terrible choices in life and he still tells me every day how much he loves me and how grateful he is that I am still here with him. I'm working on self compassion and extending that to him because in my heart I know that none of us grew up wanting to be so screwed up that we would jeopardize our jobs, marriage and children's lives for sex. I don't know if I will ever trust him again because all it takes is for the wrong set of circumstances to present themselves at a weak moment for someone to ignore that voice in the head that says, "NO". My question for me is, "Can I still live a happy and rewarding life with someone I struggle to trust with my heart?" I often wonder how Hillary does it or anyone else for that matter? Do we also compartmentalize our new reality so we can live our lives as our best selves every day? Maybe a marriage doesn't need trust to be fruitful and rewarding? Overall, I'm good. We actually bought a house here and soon, very soon, I will be able to sit outside and look at the mountains all day, every day. Such peace.

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    1. Many challenges. I feel so similar. I can see the progress, work, understanding and transformation my husband has gone through. I ask all those same questions you posted above. I am not sure if I will ever have the answers. That is great news about the house! Sounds amazing! I am so jealous. I would love to move right now. I feel like we both could use a change of scenery. Some day....

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    2. Beach Girl,
      I think you're getting ahead of yourself. Do you want to be with him today? Then be with him today. I have the fortune (ha!!) to have viewed addiction through both lenses of alcohol/pills and sex. There's no difference. It's scared sad people numbing themselves. That's all it is. Sex might seem more exciting than booze but talk to an alcoholic and they'll tell you that a bottle of vodka is the most beautiful thing in the world.
      It sounds as though you and your husband are, at the very least, good friends now. And that's a whole lot more than so many married people can say.

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    3. Elle, thank you for the reminder to "Be Here Now". I often "get ahead of myself" as you so nicely described. Honestly, there is so much positive happening in my marriage and life right now. Last night as we were getting ready for bed my husband hugged me and kissed me and thanked me again for a second chance to be the type of husband he always wanted to be and now is. We are getting along great even when we have blips and we have a lot of blips but almost none are related to infidelity. My hearing loss is giving us some laughter and when our conversations go sideways because we realize that I just did not hear what he said/asked clearly, he will often hug me and tell me how much he loves me! Wow, I'm really married to a new man. Thanks for straitening out my road once again. Be Here Now. Don't look back. Repeat.

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  17. I'm not sure whete to ask this .. so here goes.
    My H has never had a problem getting aroused but since all this came about with his texting that whore twice he has just gone limp during sex ( both times only a month after I found out about the texting ) and then again now. . He says its cause hes old. But I'm not sure cause hes not even 45 yet

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    1. Izzy - We're battling this too right now ... and H is only 37 ... I'm not sure what to make of it. But just wanted to let you know you're not alone. :(

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    2. I think for not only women but men too your mental state affects intimacy. Also based on my husband being in the mental health field he said that this affects men much more than they are willing to discuss. Of course there could be physical issues too but I think your frame of mind can be a major factor. Most therapist address this in individual and/or couples therapy I have found.

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    3. It's not because he's "old". There are lots of reasons but I wouldn't be the least surprised if part of it is shame and guilt. Another part might be that your fragility is hard for him. I listened to an awesome Esther Perel podcast about a couple who were struggling with sex/intimacy and though it has nothing to do with infidelity, I found it really interesting. She essentially said that, when we create these stories in our head about rejection and shame and vulnerability, etc., it's hard to feel sexy and aroused. Sometimes other people's neediness quashes desire. This isn't about blaming you for your pain. But it is to say that maybe by creating a space in which you come together as partners -- where the desire to be close is the dominant story rather than the need -- it might help. I'm shooting in the dark here but it might be worth considering. (Speaking of which, do you two have a couples counsellor you could talk this over with?) Here's the podcast: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mHiV0Xc3TG0

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    4. I would agree. I would say it took about 6 months after the affair for the slightest resemblance of normalcy. My h had a ton of shame and guilt and it deeply impacted the bedroom. During my point of hysterical bonding it simply didn’t jive with what was going on with him. We tend to just hold each other on most days as we fall asleep, as an effort to show we are working together and trying. Prior to Dday I was nothing of a snuggler. I’m cold all day long, but when I get into bed I’m a 110 degrees and not menopausal! Been like that since my 20’s. I suffer through it and do it because we just need to touch. A hand on a leg or my head on his chest. Don’t get all messed up with the lack of sex or issues. It will come. I’m still waiting and so is he but we’re connecting. Patience is where we’re at.

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    5. I actually battled the courage to have this conversation with my H yesterday. It's been a HUGE blow to my self esteem that suddenly he is having issues as this has NEVER been a problem in the past. I let him know how it made me feel ... about how I couldn't help but take it as a sign that he preferred someone else, that he was still in contact with her, and that I'd been struggling with this for weeks but didn't want to bring it up.

      We had a conversation that we'd never had before.

      Maybe it'll help him ... but if not, it certainly helped me!

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    6. Kimberly, I think the best thing is that you brought it up. For me I realized I cannot keep things in no matter what the topic. We have had many uncomfortable conversations that most couples rarely have. My take on this is that it is important since I think my husband could have avoided having two affairs and other behaviors if he had spoken up and really thought about what he was feeling and his actions. It can be really hard but I see it as critical in recovery and moving beyond. Honestly at this point our conversations have little to do with the affairs but more about ourselves individually, our marriage/relationship and what we both want/need. To me this is really a major shirt since if we do plan to stay together I think this is the last piece of the puzzle.

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  18. Kimberly I don't know what to make of it myself. At first i thought maybe cause he had physically done something with this whore and he was shameful. But he swears it was only friendly talk.. but then last night it happened again . And I just don't really know.
    Hopeful 30 I don't know if he's feeling guilty for the Hell he's put me though or what. Guess I'll never know.
    Elle no we don't have a counselor, he refuses to go. I've gone a few times. But between work my family life my extended family life I just don't have time. And with all this going on I am just physically mentally and emotionally drained.
    I want to thank all you ladies for being my place to vent hugs to you all

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    1. Izzy. It's happened here several times and it's his guilt and all that goes with that. We spoke to our MC and she said it usually is that. He's also still dealing with midlife crap, will be 50 soon' and he has a "woe is me!" attitude. He has had his hormone levels checked and they are fine. It's interesting how I loved midlife and early menopause. Still celebrating it internally and I just turned 56. I say internally cause I was ridiculed and made to feel ashamed by yours truly when I tapped into my goddess power at the age of 50 and the onset of menopause. Go figure. I'm glad I don't have a penis...lol

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  19. Kimberly I don't know what to make of it myself. At first i thought maybe cause he had physically done something with this whore and he was shameful. But he swears it was only friendly talk.. but then last night it happened again . And I just don't really know.
    Hopeful 30 I don't know if he's feeling guilty for the Hell he's put me though or what. Guess I'll never know.
    Elle no we don't have a counselor, he refuses to go. I've gone a few times. But between work my family life my extended family life I just don't have time. And with all this going on I am just physically mentally and emotionally drained.
    I want to thank all you ladies for being my place to vent hugs to you all

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    1. Izzy,
      Well, I'm a firm believer in the power of counselling and I think the guys who won't go are generally terrified at having to really look at themselves and their actions. Until they understand why they did what they did, it's harder to believe that they won't do it again.
      I know it can feel exhausting but a good therapist should feel like support so that you have more energy to deal with everything else.

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    2. I agree if you find the right therapist it can help so much even if it is just you. For me it was critical. Over time and as we worked through it my husband's feelings came out beyond the affair details. I honestly have been surprised how long it has taken my husband to work through what he did. I figured (naively) that since he made these decisions he was good with them. I am pretty sure this will sit with him forever. I used to think he would forget about it over time but based on our talks and him bringing it up he will still tear up when he brings it up. For me in it was a game changer when we got past the affair but focused more on ourselves as individuals and then as a relationship/marriage.

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  20. Haven’t been on for a while cause I’ve been processing the shit storm. We went to vegas for a week, him for a conference, me to visit my best friend, and there was a lot of emotion going into this trip. I was prepared, or at least I thought I was. We did the same trip last year for the same reasons only last year I was half crazed wondering what the fuck he was up to and who he was. It was 2 weeks before DD1 and this time it was 2 weeks before DD1 anniversary. The 6 hour drive was fine, but the minute we crossed state line, I started crying. It came out of no where but I remembered how wretched he was last year when we entered Nevada. WOW!! I was in such back shape then. Worn out from anxiety of not knowing who the man was or what was going on. Never dawned on me that he was having an affair. Any way, this time it was different.

    He was very reassuring and kind and promised that this trip was different. I had a wonderful time visiting with my bestie while he did his conference and he would join us in the evenings when he was done. My girlfriend surprised me with a makeup and hair makeover and her husband took a few pictures of me, he loves his camera, and we had a wonderful time laughing til it hurt. It’s been a long time since I’ve laughed like that. They did this for me for my birthday and to make me feel special cause she knows what’s been going on. It was a good day and week really. I had one day that I stayed all day in the hotel room so I ventured out and explored a bit cause I’ve never been in a resort hotel. That night when H and I went out to dinner, I felt super sad after he told me he was so happy I was there with him. I realized all the shit of this past year alone. Of course I told him but instead of making space for me, he took it personal and made quite of show of it when we got back to our room. His old behavior reared it’s ugly head in a huge way. I tried to comfort him but backed off when I saw that he wasn’t budging. The week ended and we drove home and I’ve been in a strange way since until yesterday. I’ve been very introspective and have been very closed off to him. I told him that I hate him last weekend. I hate what he did. All of it. I realize that at this point I no longer love him. I’ve been wondering if I do since fuck this shit Tuesday and now I know that I don’t. It got the wheel going….sad, angry, hurt, angry, and yesterday was the day I shared that knowledge with my friend that has been with me every step of the way since before DD1. I felt relieved to say it out loud and I told him last night. I told him the vegas trip made me reexamine it all and that I find that I no longer love him. I didn’t apologize for feeling that way. He said he was crushed and asked if I wanted to break up. I told him that I don’t know right now and I’m not acting on impulse. He said that on his part he will keep doing what he can to make things work for us and him.

    I gotta tell ya that I’m sick of this shit filled pack I’m carrying. Dealing with the emotions I have and the new reality is exhausting, but I’m dealing with it out of my bed. I do find that allowing myself to process as I have, while frustrating, I’m able to do it without fear. Fear is a huge weight for me but it makes the process “easier” without it there. I find that I miss having a social life but still don’t have the fortitude to get out and meet people…that makes me angry…so I’m doing the best I can with what I have right now which isn’t much. I’d like to like my H but just don’t have it in me at the moment. I know things will get better and I’ll have happy days again, just not right now. I’d like to love again and have friends that aren’t associated with triggers.
    As Fragments of Hope wrote : I just want to live a life free of confusion and this mental exhaustion.” I guess that will come with time.

    Thanks for this amazing post, Elle. And thank you all for your incredible responses.

    Michelle

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    Replies
    1. Michelle,
      Yes, it comes with time but also the work you do within that time. It sounds as if you've had a really emotional anti-versary few weeks. I'm not the least surprised that a whole lot of emotion and pain bubbled up. Sometimes even the good times -- i.e. with your friend -- make the bad times seem worse in comparison. We're reminded of how different life is on the whole now.
      But I"m glad you're giving yourself time to digest this period and figure out what's next. We want you to make a decision based on what's best for you, not a reactive choice based on a feeling.
      You'll get there, Michelle. Just keep doing what you're doing.

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    2. Thanks for your wisdom, Elle. It's the second time I was cut off guard of sorts, but as you told me before, we revisit with a certain wisdom, and for that I am grateful. I find that I do get frustrated at the emotional state that is conjured up and I know that is because I don't want to be there/here. It's a reminder of how things are and how I don't want to be. I'm impatient and I'm full aware that when I am ready to venture out, I will. Ho hum... I won't make reactive choice. That's one thing I've learned this past year. I remind myself that he's only been present about 3.5 months and it's like it just happened 3.5 months ago for him, and for me in a way, and I want to give our relationship another chance. I want to be fair. I know that the only way things will change for me is by me and I'm doing that in baby steps. I'm getting to know me while I learn to process this shit and I do feel that the dark abyss is behind me now, but that it has bony fingers that snag me from time to time.

      Again, many thanks for your wisdom and compassion and for this miracle outlet and all the warriors here. I'd be lost without the insight that is shared.

      love to you all

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