Please know I'm thinking of everyone struggling this holiday. Let go of expectations of others, but especially yourselves. This is just a day. It is just 24 hours to which some of us have assigned particular importance.
Abandon all attempts to create anything "magical", "beautiful" or "perfect".
Breathe. In and out. It is just a day. The sun rises, the sun sets.
Merry Christmas, my secret sisters.
Thanks for this! I’m
ReplyDeleteNot having a good Christmas morning here and it’s because i am depending on him to do something christmassy. I think the last time i felt the Christmas spirit was 2013 when we exchanged gifts out the country. He bought me a beautiful delicate aquamarine necklace and earrings. Not my style but still lovely. I put them on immediately. I had given him a kindle fire and thought it odd that he fretted that it did not have a camera or video capabilities for phone calls , because he Hated even video Skypeing with me. 5 days later it was D-Day. And i literally tore the necklace from my neck. This morning his plan was to get up “very early in the morning” and go to town to see who is open, just for food i think. It’s now 11 he’s still here. I was pissed he blew me off last night and pissed again when i had to say merry Christmas first this morning. I realized i was making it a stand off and caved. There is something so deeply ingrained about Christmas and the christmas spirit that even when i run from the commercialization of it and look for a deeper meaning in it i am effected deeply by the lack of presents (even if we agreed on that) or even a warm Christmas greeting. Is it that hard? Ugh. It’s just a day. It’s just a day
Thank you, Elle. It's helped me a lot today to be thinking about you all.
ReplyDeletePeace peace peace and love to everyone.
Hi Elle, Merry Christmas and it's boxing day...
ReplyDeleteWell, yes it is..."It's just another day (24 hours)". As long as we still breathe, everyday is a special day if you make it special or you want to mark it as special.
I hope everyone here did enjoy your Christmas celebration with families or friend. For those who didn't celebrate, i know you've survive. Cheers :)
Lost_AA
All my best to you. You are a lifeline these past 5 long years.... And a joyous year to everyone here.
ReplyDeleteAs a LONG follow up to my perfectly awful Christmas morning when “merry Christmas “ was a mumbled phrase out of his mouth in response to my greeting. i decided to go into town while H just meandered and delayed. Of course he then decides he’s coming too. On the way back we stopped at friends, and were greeted with hearty wishes ( there’s really nothing THAT hard about those two Christmas words even if you’re faking it ) and i got a taste of the spirit i really wanted. The day progressed normally. We made dinner together. I swallowed my tongue for the day and while he jumped back on the computer, and then literally painted me upstairs while working on our staircase only to let me know, when it had dried, that i shoujd come down because we needed to clean up because it was a mess downstairs. I went down and things were spotless outside of 3 coffee cups, all his, and two water glasses, both his. That’s when i flipped out. He has NEVER treated house work as women’s work. Never treated me like a servenet, quite the opposite. He also did not lift a finger for those five glasses. All his. . So those words and that situation sent me into a door slamming and strong worded under my breath hissy fit. Not my proudest moment. I thought to myself “fuck this”!! Christmas Eve he had blown of my One desire. To watch “a Christmas carol”. Old black and white that i always watched with my dad. So i watched another movie. Which attracted him like a fly. He cannot walk by a tv even if he had no interest, unless of course i ask him to watch. Then i put on a Christmas carol,which gets meEVERY DAMN TIME. yes he watched too. And had no response to the sad and so so ruching moments that rip my heart in two. The forgiveness. The transformation. The declarations!! The future changing. The brilliant acting. But he did watch because i didn’t ask. I didn’t demand. I just did my own things that made me happy while he remained withdrawn and just disconnected. Bah Humbug (and this from me, not a huge Christmas fan,so that’s saying something.) He must have realized he was missing out and i was not going to sit around. Just like going into town. I was not waiting for him. The more I’m on this journey the more i realize he’s not normal. He’s just not. I’ve always thought he was in the autism/assburger AND genius scale, but the emotional stuff was so apparent yesterday. He’s a nice enough guy. On the day to day we live together wonderfully but the conversations are missing. (Not to mention the declarations!!) He’s doing a lot of physical work here, so he’s not sitting on his ass, even if he’s not doing the work on my timetable,
ReplyDeletebut as i reasses at the end of every year which i do without realizing it, i am starting to wonder. Cheater or no cheater is this really worth it?
I know he’s made concessions. Our sex life is dead but after his flirt with the booze and an undesirable website in the spring i don’t trust him enough to desire to be that close to him. If he misses sex he might want to start by holding my hand instead of doing things. So back to therapy for me when we are home and I’ll just take it from there.
Is anyone else here happily involved with someone in an emotional shutdown? I realize that one man cannot be all things to one person- that’s why we have friends. But I’m not one to trash my other half over coffee with friends. And the vast majority of my friends are much more outgoing than their husbands. Many gregarious men out there but who even knows the rest of their story? I’ve come to treasure deep laughs and all the little things as they don’t come to often. But when an ant bit me on my finger the other day and i said laughingly, because it was shocking, not because i was tortured, “god that really hurt” he said “Oh”. Not “oh I’m sorry” or “oh let’s get some ice/vinager/whatever one puts on an ant bite” Just “oh”. I can’t imagine saying just that to anyone in any sort of pain, even
Insignificant.
Any input is greatly appreciated.
Steam, I'm so sorry. What a shit day. But I think you did right, making your own way, doing what you wanted to make you happy. Is he shut down like this all the time? Over your time together have there been times when he could say "oh no, that must hurt, can I get you a bandaid?" Or has he always been this way? The other questions I have for you are; Are you happy? Are you getting what you need? When you are happy is it when you are together or when you are doing things you want on your own? Are you two in therapy together?
DeleteHere's the thing, a guy doesn't have to be gregarious to show affection, make declarations, have empathy or be willing to do things that make you happy just because they make you happy. My ex was very gregarious. He is also hollow, self centered, impulsive and completely unable to consider how his actions or lack thereof will affect others, even his own children (obviously there's more on that to come). So your H doesn't have to be upbeat or positive our outgoing to show up for you emotionally. It sounds like, whatever is going on with him right now is making him shut down. Is it shame about what he remembers this time of year? Is it some other trauma? Cause without knowing his background, he sounds to me like someone who has a flat, post trauma affect (think lethal plain of flatness that so many of us betrayed wives arrive at months or years after dday). It changes your brain, and if you aren't actively getting the right kind of help, it can become a way of life. Just more shitty coping.
The other thing is that there are people out there who's brains are just different. They lack empathy or ability to relate to others. They don't care how their actions hurt others and will often choose their career or success over kindness for people in their lives. They have wit, charm and use intellect and flattery or flirtation. They lie and cheat and especially like the thrill of the risk of getting caught. The same people like high adrenaline activities like jumping out of planes. They are also arrogant, aggressive and impulsive. This is my ex to a T. Not sure if any of that lines up with your H. But it sounds like at a minimum he's not able to show up for you emotionally right now.
Thing is Steam, only you know what's ok for you and what is not. Only you will know when you've had enough. Keep in mind that it is a difficult time of year, fr both of you right now. Have you considered sitting him down and talking about what you are experiencing? Pretty much like you laid it out above? Talk about the lack of sex (this is such an unbelievably big deal to guys) and how you need to be able to trust him and he has dine fuck all to earn that. Ask him to start holding your hands or snuggling while watching a movie you choose etc. Just ask. He'll either do it or he won't. Back in the day, when I told my ex that I needed more physical affection in order to feel safe and ready for sex he thought I meant more foreplay. Idiot. This came out after he cheated. I was like no dumb ass, I need you to touch me once in a blue moon and have it not be a run up to sex. Like give me a fucking spontaneous hug, maybe a compliment. Haysoos, no wonder I started to flinch. At any rate, consider talking to him about what you need. Guys can be idiots, especially the ones who had emotionally stunting childhoods.
Steam, I am not advocating that you leave now or that you stay and work on it. What I am advocating for is you and your happiness. And you don't sound happy. You don't have to settle. Not for a loveless, affection-less marriage, (and that could mean you and him working through this hard stuff or it could mean you see he's not going to step up and do the work with you and you go.) Steam I'm sending you a huge hug. I wish I could make you tea, or we could go into town and have a drink and a god mooch around the shops.xoxo
Oh, Steam! I hear you! Regarding "spirit", I saw it on here referred to as the "Christmas Infidelity Spirit" and that is one accurate description. I think since Christmas is supposed to be the "most wonderful time of the year" it just shines the spotlight all the brighter on all that is missing. I also have found that it is not hard at all to view (or perhaps over-analyze) these little everyday things (like not doing his dishes or not watching a movie with you) and see a huge connection between the big stuff like cheating. My spouse doesn't replace the paper towels when he uses the last one. Is it as horrendous as cheating? NO! But, I can't help but draw comparisons to the pattern of behavior because it's the same. It's lazy. His need was met--he got he last paper towel. Absolutely NO thought to the next person who might come along and have a need. Just taking care of #1. A simple lack of consideration. He's done it for years, but it is super easy NOW to view it through the pain perspective and see it as another reminder: I don't consider you. Ever. In the big stuff or in the small stuff.
DeleteThe ant bite and the "Oh" ? I am trying to accept that there really are some people who lack the capacity to imagine/see/feel/comprehend any OTHER thoughts or feelings other than their own. Or maybe it's that they do know, but their capacity to respond is so limited because their own feelings are so much bigger and more important to themselves that it squashes out any room to even try for others.
I am sorry that ant bit you! I googled remedies. You sit here with this cold compress for 20 minutes and let me run upstairs and get the hydrocortisone cream to relieve itching. Can I make you a cup of tea? Or better--how about some super spiked hot chocolate?
Hugs to you Steam! And on the bright side, we've got 363 more days until we have to do Christmas again! Hallelujah!!
Steam, I have no suggestions but you seem to know this man pretty well and he seems to be able to push your buttons without actually realizing it. All those little annoyances that can grate on our nerves are just magnified by their betrayal history. I have spent the past couple of years talking to my husband about what I want and need to feel safe just like SS1 described and for the most part, my husband has been able to step up to the plate which allows me to ignore the things that annoy me. (I have quirks about toilet paper and someone else loading my dishwasher) You definitely do not sound happy but there are times I don't feel happy either and it passes when I take care of myself. Check your boundary list again and if "talk to me when I feel you are disengaged and emotionally shut down" isn't on your list perhaps it ought to be. I have to say that my husband struggles with the kinds of things I need/want and I've been direct in a kind way when addressing them with him. He is pretty good at this now and I can honestly say I never, ever thought we could communicate as well as we are at the moment. Hang in there my friend. Take care of yourself. Love and Hugs from me to you.
DeleteSteam
DeleteI feel your pain as far as lack of empathy and emotions...my h may have feelings but he’s totally incapable of expressing them. He tries to be present in my need for support of my emotions but he falls a little short sometimes. I also think that Just Me is on target with the selfish side of men in general and some more than others! I’m sorry about that ant bite because if was a fire ant, those suckers hurt and blister! I just wanted you to know that I’m thinking of you and you are not alone with a selfish spouse!
Hugs steam, ss1 And just me have given great advice. Steam Having met you in person I can say that your the coolest person I’ve ever met, your so laid back and chilled out so I know the little things wouldn’t get to you easily. It sounds like it’s more than the little things and your right to acknowledge this. Your right to go back to therapy and talk through this, it could just be the time of the year and spending more time with your h or it may be something more that you need to work out for yourself. Whatever it is steam it will unfold as we see here with so many relationships.. know I’m thinking of you my lovely Californian girl!! Xxx
ReplyDeleteSteam, I hear you and have felt very similar on various holidays. For me it is connected to what those days meant to me growing up or what I wished they had been growing up. My husband is one who always did what he wanted. Over time and post dday I realized how self centered he was. For many of the times we do not see the situation the same I think it is based on habits and/or history.
ReplyDeleteThis might sound like a dumb suggestion but for us the Love Language books and information was helpful. My kids even took the quizzes. And we found it interesting how we all ranked. Taking those and really looking at what was important for each of us helped our family dynamics. Nothing earth shattering but it was an awareness. And the one thing I have learned since dday is if I want something done or to happen a certain way or celebrated I make it clear what my expectations are.
And there have been many times I have questioned is it worth it or am I in the right relationship for me. Since dday that is a natural thing for me to do. I take stock especailly at the end of the year.
Christmas Horror Show part 1 - SS1
ReplyDeleteI hope everyone survived Christmas.
Holy fuck y’all what a roller coaster few days. Where do I begin.
So my ex started dating someone in November and let me know out of courtesy that he was going to introduce her to some mutual friends right before thanksgiving. It was a tough time y’all. He’s so impulsive and so crazy. Most of our friends are like yikes that’s really too soon guy. Anywho, because I had told him I needed him and this nonsense out of my face, he opted not to tell me that he was going to introduce the kids at holiday time. Because if he had, I would have told him it was a terrible idea.
So because he’s avoiding me, which in general is preferred, he also went ahead and made his holiday plans. Our divorce agreement lines up who gets what times on what holidays. The spirit of it is such that he gets Thanksgiving which is important to him and I get Christmas which matters to me. But because of the way the agreement is stated, I ended up with no holiday meal with my kids: not thanksgiving, not xmas eve and not xmas day dinner. I have them in the morning for breakfast with presents. I find this out a week before xmas when he’s at my house for his visit with our son. I was so mad I just walked out. He neglected to tell me then that the latest paragon was going to be there too.
Guys I’m really proud of how I handled it. I waited until I was calm and wrote him an email. Here’s what I proposed:
“I wanted to follow up on holiday schedule stuff. I am not asking to change anything about the schedule for Xmas eve, day or New Years this year. I’ve let the kids know they are having dinner Christmas day at your place. What the kids and I would like to do is have our Christmas dinner for our son’s birthday on the 26th. So I’m asking you that we switch up the arrangement for the 26th such that you have him in the early part of the day and then I have him later, so the kids and I can do that dinner together.
For next year I’d like to revisit the holiday arrangements. I felt that the original spirit of the agreement was such that you got Thanksgiving which is important to you and the family and I got Christmas which is important to me. The current arrangement is such that I get no family dinner with my kids on any of the holidays. If you are open to it, maybe we could consider alternating Christmas eve dinner and Christmas day dinner, so one year I’d get xmas eve and you get xmas day dinner then the following year you’d get xmas eve dinner and I’d get xmas day dinner. And of course the kids would still come to you on xmas day for gift exchange etc. This feels fair and reasonable to me and will minimize the need to make unique plans each year etc. We don’t have to decide this any time soon, but I’d like to keep it in the back of our minds for 2019.”
He agreed to it all right away and said it seems very fair and that I should get first choice for xmas dinner next year. All good.
Then the new bomb that the gf is going to be at Christmas day dinner along with her 4 year old (so clearly she’s got healthy boundaries #sarcasm). My ex tried to have my kids over on a Weds. for dinner to meet her. Both kids declined under the premise that my daughter was sick. I wish they had felt enough to tell him what they really thought, that it was too soon and I encouraged them to share that with him, because then other things could have gone differently. So then I found out that this woman was going to be there with the family on Christmas day for dinner. So my children’s first meeting is going to be on Christmas. For an extended period of time. What. An. Idiot.
Christmas Horror show part 2 - SS1
ReplyDeleteI can’t tell my kids not to go, but I do tell them they are not required to stay any longer than they are comfortable. I’m so angry for them as this unfolds and both kids, but especially my daughter is so so angry. She said, “can’t he leave Christmas alone? Why does he have to ruin every holiday? He’s so selfish.”
So the kids and I have fun after they get back from Christmas eve. I give them their new jamies and we open our new ornaments and put them on the tree. We all sat down and watched the old Rankin & Bass Rudolph special on dvd. We had a fun night and a lovely Christmas morning together. Everyone got each other thoughtful gifts. We took our time. Enjoyed coffee and biscuits. It was just a nice time. Then the kids had to go deal with this next craziness. They got cleaned up and went over to their dads, who pushed them to come early. (still wondering why no one in his family was like “this might be a bad idea” but they are a bunch of pushovers (even tho I love them) and no one can tell him anything. And the GF had just been to a family party so… why not more!)
They arrived and no other family was there, jut him and the new girlfriend. She apparently rushed up and gave them both hugs (so not ok with either kid. They are not huggy to begin with and it showed a complete lack of situational awareness). And they had to sit their awkwardly with her while their dad tried to prepare this huge holiday dinner and was struggling to accomplish. My ex at one point said something about not remembering it being this hard and my daughter had to bite her tongue to not say “yeah because mom did everything.”
So after an hour of this and whatever try hard efforts were happening by the new GF, my son decided he had had enough and asked to go home. Aunts and uncles had not even arrived yet. So my daughter drove him back to our house. My son started crying in the car. He’s 16. My daughter was so angry she started venting freely. She thought my son knew about his dad’s infidelity and so talked about that.
My son was just devastated. He’s incredibly angry and hurt but also just sad that he was kept in the dark. I did explain to him that it was out of care for his wellbeing and that he was too young when things were happening to be brought into it. My daughter is absolutely mortified, as she truly believed he knew.
My son and I had a good long talk. I told him no additional detail and took the high road by sticking to only what was mine to tell. Instead, I asked him to tell me what he knew. The good news is that he has very little detail, just the knowledge that my ex cheated with a person from work. I filled in nothing else, as it is not my story to tell. Neither kid knows about the business trip where my ex were roofied and the episodes with sex workers that came after. I don’t know what my ex shared with our daughter about childhood experiences, but I did not disclose any of that to my son. Again, not mine to tell.
Christmas Horror show part 3 - ss1
ReplyDeleteMy son was really pushing me for more info, because he knew there was more he wasn’t getting. So, I filled him in on my own rape experience in college, my mom’s chronic alcoholism (which he knew about) and also her serial cheating (which he didn’t know about) and how that fed into my own shitty choices and infidelity when the kids were little. I kept it short, clinical and age appropriate, but I felt it was important that I be truthful to him. I believed that if I didn’t tell him my truth and story at this point, and he found out later, that he could potentially lose his ability to trust anyone. I also knew, from recent past experience, that when my ex is under pressure etc he will throw me under the bus to divert attention away from himself. Luckily at that time it did no harm to my relationship with my daughter. And as I’ve also learned, there is power in owning all the parts of my own story, even the shitty parts. And I was also able to tell him, how awful I felt and how much I worked to try and make it right. This part of the conversation went really well. I think because I was just being honest with him. I can’t imagine how he would have felt if this came out later, after he had asked me to be honest with him.
I let him know that my ex and I both came from problematic and very codependent households and that the subterranean stuff that didn’t get talked about, played out later in unhealthy ways. But I also had the chance to talk thru how that doesn’t change any of the love we have for him. That we, as parents, can be struggling with our own stuff and still love our kids without reservation. I told him that now that he knows, he has the opportunity to do better for himself in his future life and relationships. But I suggested to him that it might be a good idea to start therapy soon to sort through this. He’s not totally opposed but wants some time. I’m going to bring it up again in Jan.
I then had to let my ex know that this all came out, explain how I handled it and explain that his son was not going to want to see him for a while. I think I did this with sensitivity and kindness but without making myself for my ex being OK. He responded well, but I also reminded myself that this is the man who caused all this to happen. All his cluelessness and inability to think about anything other than himself. But I resisted the urge to suggest Brene Brown and dealing with same. I resisted the urge to comfort him. He even wrote about old suicidal ideation and I didn’t bite the hook. No longer my circus. The new GF can enjoy that dance with him for now.
Boxing day is also my son’s bday. I took good care of him. He got a nice gift and a massive fast food meal at his request. And I baked mince tarts, his favorite holiday treat. I also made sure to spend some quality time with my daughter as both kids needed tending after that horror show of a Christmas.
Honestly, what kind of idiot thinks it is appropriate to introduce your kids to someone you have been dating for two months. Let alone at Christmas. It’s the same impulsive, self-centered thinking of the affair time. And its like he’s never dated before. My daughter jokingly said she gives it six months. This person is not very pretty, a bubble head, very intense and touchy feely and that my ex was already being rude to her while he was stressed out cooking the dinner. I know it is stupid, but I felt such relief. I was secretly so afraid of the same old thing. That there was something special about her. That family or even my kids would like her, better than me. But it sounds like what she is, is desperate, and willing to put up with his bullshit and equally co-dependent. I feel kinda bad for her, wish I could tell her to run because he’s still so crazy. But hopefully she’ll figure that out.
Christmas Horror show part 4 - ss1
ReplyDeleteI know its not very grown up, but I’m so glad they are such a shit show and that he’s crazy enough to think he’s found his next thing after a week of dating. It’s really because he spilled his guts to her about the whole story (but probably not all of it y’all) and she was fine with it. More fool her. She doesn’t know him at all, doesn’t know his character. But I do. He’s intelligent, flirtatious and charismatic. He talks a good game, but in the end it’s all about him. And underneath all the shine is a hollow man. He’s a series of masks plus ideas or behaviors he admires in other people. I don’t think he knows how to be real. Even his “new Holiday traditions” are shit he stole from me and our life together.
Guys I’m exhausted. I’m so heartsick for my kids, but I also think its better that it is all out in the open. I’m glad my kids know they can count on me and hope I did the best for them this week. I certainly tried. I’m so angry with my ex for putting my kids through even more, but thanks to this recent round of selfishness and cluelessness, I can see him pretty clearly again. Am back firmly in the better off without him camp. He’s flailing and failing so hard. Again not very grown up, but I hope he looks at how I handled this situation ad is filled with regret for losing such an amazing person.
Tonight I am roasting a whole duck and me and the kids plus my girl’s boyfriend) are finally having our Merry Christmas feast. I may open a bottle of wine for us. Roast duck, carrots & parsnips mash, roast garlic potatoes, green beans, crusty bread. Cheers to 2019. It has to get better from here. I am celebrating all my family being above ground and breathing.
SS1
DeleteOh geez do I understand your pain and the exhaustion!!!
So your ex's new thing knows what he's done and is still happy to be with him? Well some women are just so desperate, they are happy to say they have a someone, as this someone is something to claim as theirs, and to them better than having nothing. Lonely desperate people out there, happy to hurt others so they are not lonely.
I think my exes new skank tops the list. A single skank in her late 30s with no kids. As I said to my ex when I found out it was her he was having an affair with, I berated him about her "if she's such a good catch, why isn't she in a relationship??" ....didn't get a reply to that. So my exes now skank was good friends with one of his previous affair partners. So she knows he is a cheater, and is happy to be with him after he'd been with one of her friends?!!!! WTF??? How screwed up are these people?
SS1. I know your kids are angry, sad, disappointed with your ex, but there will probably come a time when they will start to see him and she will be there. You've read how Phoenix and I feel about this - our kids around skank. Phoenix handles it different to me. - I take my hat off to you Phoenix. Every situation is different, so handling it will be different,but it's good to hear how others deal with this. It also depends on how stupid and selfish ex is. All you can do is keep communications open and honest with your kids, which you have been doing. And your kids, like mine, are old enough to hear the truth. My kids and I have an unbelievable great relationship and since their dad walked out, we have had some really good talks about respect, relationships etc. Remember, we are the safe ones, so they may lash out at you.
Thinking of you my dear friend
Sending big hugs
Gabby xo
SS1 i hear you. I had the worlds most gregarious boy friend for a while and that was hell. So one day i May get the mix right. For years ive thought H was just very calm. Honestly it was his horrible mother who told me she feared his head was going to explode one day for keeping it all locked inside. God as my witness i had NO idea what she was talking about. This has taken me years to see. He’s very flat and i realize that i have been quite flat around him and i think it’s because i feel like I’m wasting my energy (and even my “merry Christmas”so my flatness is a bit of a “fuck you”’ to him. The day after Christmas was just fine. Actually quite good as most days are. I try not to compare as i have no idea what is real in the world anymore between what i grew up with, what is shoved down our throats from Facebook for example. What is real anymore? What should anything look like? Be like? What shoujd I feel like? I know there are selfish people in the world who are never satisfied and i wonder if I’m like that? Not happy because something is not right within me?? He steps up to some pretty big responsibilities and i wonder is “that” taking care of me? Because these are things i cannot to alone.
ReplyDeleteWe were supposed to each do ourown therapy-ish things after his drinking slip up in the spring. And honest to god, life stepped in with every drama or situation imaginable and i have only been to the shrink twice and he i don’t think has been to even 1 as/sa meeting. It’s not like i can get on a high horse as the great example of what to do, because i have been so distracted and consumed by life that i can’t seem to focus on myself unless i feel kicked to the curb
He HAS been quite empathetic in the past. Never truly demonstrative /more slow, and i thought, steady- which was a real relief after the gregarious, but a-dick-after -hours, boyfriend I DO admit to the same flinching you talked about SS. His affection comes at very odd and inconvenient times (as in a back rub RIGHT before work?) ugh.
Sorry
I’m All over the place here. But i am the advocate for the more sex marriage in the world, but at home? It would be so foreign now. It’s going to take a while to get back to it. He’s so flat. I’m flat at home, we’re sexless since LAST year (but more so since spring) and i don’t miss it. It’s awful to say but it’s true. Does not mean i want to go without. I’m
Just too “whatever” to get back into it and i think I’ve scared him off.
Just me- yes i try hard to not see things through the eye of infidelity. That last paper towel, the last toilet paper, and the “oh”. Damn girl thanks for the hydrocortisone and the hot chocolate. His response shocked me because it wasn’t two weeks ago. I can’t remember what it was, he hit me with such sweetness that it caught me off guard and it wasn’t really out of character. He’s not a dick which is why it stands out when he ACTS like one. But I’m tired of being flat. And sadly i think i and maybe he? Only feels quite this flat at home.
Elle I’m
Sorry that i hijacked your beautiful reminder that it was”just a day”
Ladies you have BOTH given me much to think
About. I need that. Thank you!!! Thank you!!!
Update again! And then last night we broke out a real
ReplyDeleteChristmas. Like he had been planning for months (Like most of us have to) it was gift after gift all really based on things i have talked about and not necessarily asked for. He said he’s been listening hard and that i never ask for anything- that’s true- i want i buy. LOL and he put together some thought out, nice, and some funny multipart gifts. Plus he made dinner. And we watched a movie prettty snuggled up. God. I don’t know anymore. Years ago i read a funny observation that when dating , your entire relationship status is often categorized by the last phone call. That ALWAYS made me laugh because it rings so true. And I’m wondering if we just suck at this Christmas thing. Or suck a bit in life it just gets worse at Christmas. I almost told him last night after this fun barrage of time and stuff that he pissed me off on Christmas Day. But decided to let it go for now, but i will talk to him about how that lack of a Christmas greeting kind of gutted me because it really did.
SS1 your ex is an idiot. How can you let go of his stupidity while he’s spending time with your kids? How the hell can you detach from his madness.? Because it is madness. And your kid was right- he doesn’t remember how hard it is to get all this shit together because he probably just sat there while you made it look effortless.
beachgirl your circumstance is so close to mine that i wonder and ask myself what would be so HARD about talking? Why don’t i just do it? I have. I have actually made some progress even recently, saying out loud “you know, it really hurt my feelings when you XY or Z”. So can we try “ whatever” next time?. “
I wonder what makes ME shutdown? Why don’t i just say it? I won’t even wAit till New Years to make that resolution it starts today. Thanks for that reminder.
And Theresa I’m sorry about your husband who is trying and can’t quite seem to muster what you need. I think mine can do when he doesn’t it flattens me and after our year of his false recovery in 2014 i think it’s very very hard for me to believe anything at times.
Sam A as always thanks for the empathy and kind words. Sometimes i think it is the nature of how we spend the last few weeks of every year while we wrap up business. . A bit isolated in another country with he and i together for every breakfast, lunch and dinner. It reveals every flaw up close and magnified. Couple THAT with Christmas and I’m off my rocker almost every year.
Here’s to a happier 2019
Just getting it out has been really helpful and all your input has been incredible. Thank you!
SS1, you turned a terrible situation into a wonderful learning experience for you kids about life. You handled it with grace, intelligence and borders. Way to go.
DeleteWOW Still Standing! I really appreciate you taking the time to share your story. 1. Because I am a detail girl and 2. Because you had some really awesome Mom moments and modeled how I hope to to handle these kinds of things.
ReplyDeleteI like where you said, "I believed that if I didn’t tell him my truth and story at this point, and he found out later, that he could potentially lose his ability to trust anyone." I agree. I have feared all year, as much as I tried to protect and hide it, that my daughter knew. I think her gut has known for a while, and has been trying to tell her brain but her heart didn't want to know. I knew the conversation was coming--she has been dancing around it for months. When she finally asked, and chose to phrase it as, "Has Dad every cheated on you?" I know she saw the answer in my face before she heard me simply respond, "Yes." I have already lost so SO much to my husband's behavior, lies, and infidelity, that I was not going to risk my daughter's trust or our very close bond based on open communication. It was the worst moment in all of this since that moment I discovered it for myself. Seeing her crumble nearly killed me. My husband still doesn't know she knows, but that is another story. That she knows will be my fault, too. Not that he did it, but that I told her.
You did a great job handling this with such grace, class, and most importantly CONSIDERATION for your children. Bravo to you--and no wonder you are exhausted! YESSSS--Cheers to 2019. I saw a meme that said, "My goal for 2019 is to never let myself fall as low as I did this year. Never again."
Let me add my tale to the Christmases of woe. One of my three daughters put the pieces together on the 23rd and asked me whether my H had cheated. Dear girl, she was inconsolable. We knew right away that this was something that she would need to be able to work through with the support of her sisters, so despite our resolve to keep this craziness between the two of us, we had to sit the group down on the 26th and share our truth. My husband said it was the hardest thing he has ever done, and given his face I believe it. They cried, and cried and at least were willing to accept that we would not be sharing any of the details. These last three months the reality of the fallout of his behavior have been hitting my H, and that night, I think that he really got it. I told them again and again how much I love them, and how much their love has sustained me these last 10 months. This sure wasn't the Christmas I wanted or ever imagined. They love their dad, and I think that with time they will be able to see him with forgiving eyes. But even while I was telling them that it isn't the fact that the people we love fail us but what they do to make it right that they should focus on, I wanted to turn to him and punch him in the face for all of this senseless suffering. Because ultimately that is the true tragedy here: the senselessness of it all.
ReplyDeleteLoner,
DeleteI totally get this: "But even while I was telling them that it isn't the fact that the people we love fail us but what they do to make it right that they should focus on, I wanted to turn to him and punch him in the face."
Yep, LOL.
Dday was 3-1/2 years ago for me. He's behaving like a wonderful husband now. I think... I'm clearly still having trust and intimacy issues. I too find the senselessness of it all maddening.
It sounds like you handled the conversation with your daughters very well. Keep being honest and loving -- they will be okay. Your example of self-respect and resilience will serve them well as they grow into their own relationships.
Best to you. Sal
Thanks Just Me and Steam. Now I am thru it, I am just exhausted. I'm so tired. So done. And so, so filled with grief and this vague feeling like everything has been stolen from me. I think I did OK for my kids. I hope so.
ReplyDeleteAnd Just Me, I'm so sorry your daughter figured things out, but I think good that you were honest with her. And frankly, her knowing that he cheated is on him. But I hear what you are saying. You feel you will be blamed rather than im taking ownership for causing the shitshow in the first place.I'm sorry that's your situation.
Steam I'm glad things turned around. So glad.
Guys I am so sad and tired. Holidays are almost over. This is my usual. Strong in a pinch and en fall apart afterward. I do need to think, Steam, about how to have even less of this insane man in my life. Even his kids are calling him crazy. I need to put as much distance between him and me as possible. The kids not wanting time with him right now will help. I hope I bounce back soon. I don't like where I am and not being able to run doesn't help either... I need an adult!
Hi all,
ReplyDeleteI have just put away my last plate, blown out my last candle, and hung up my last outfit. I am blessedly done with entertaining, cooking, baking, tidying, etc. Our last guest has left.
I am going to climb into bed with the hilarious book I'm reading (Lake Success. So funny but...adultery so be warned) and I will do my best over the next couple of days to read through everyone's comments. Suffice to say, we survived. YOU survived. You might feel a bit beaten up but here you are. And that, my warriors, is worth something.
Enjoy Elle, you deserve a rest .. lots of love xx
DeleteDear Elle
DeleteMy God woman you are amazing. Your energy is endless. I hope you can have some Elle time.
Yes I did survive. This Christmas and these holidays have been very difficult, but I am still here.
Love to you Elle
Hugs
Gabby xo