yes this. This is me and food right now. I'm totally sabotaging myself.I am hurting so much right now. I'm tired. There are good things, great moments, all lovely. And yet, a tremendous amount of underlying grief and anger. Looking forward to getting to my therapist next week. At the same time, this time around, I recognize that this deep pain and grief will pass, lighten, ease up and I'll be able to focus on me and the care I deserve. I am starting to loathe the holidays. I'm seriously considering skipping next year, or at least scaling back even more than I did this year. In the near term, since neither kid wants to spend time with their father, I will have less forced interaction with my ex. Much less hopefully. Hopefully I can interrupt myself when my thoughts spin about him, when I churn on how angry I am, on how much he neglected me, how I wasted so much time on him and think about how proud I am of who I am becoming, how much I deserve people in my life who love and respect me and that I have plenty of time left to do amazing things with my life. I started looking at houses today. I am excited for that chapter. Something new, a fresh place to make all my own. With my art and cameras, and my old victrola and records and silly fund things.. I'm just so glad I have you all to hear and see me. Coming up on three years dday n Jan 1. I am amazed at how far I've come and realizing that I still have a ways to go, especially with the divorce thrown in.
SS1, I'm so sorry this season has been one of such struggle for you. But it sounds as though you're able to recognize that it's a period of time, that it doesn't signal anything long-term. You're wrestling with some old stuff that, I suspect, has been latent for a while. It's been pulled into the light and created a reckoning, which I hope will ultimately free you to move forward without it lurking in the shadows. Sounds like you've got a really exciting chapter coming up. Will be nice to pack lightly, leaving behind much pain and anger, when you move. ;)
SS1 It starts getting easier at 3 years or least it did for me. I think a new house sounds great for you and your kids it will help alot. We moved across the country to get away from the OW and start over. I found out recently that she is having a baby, her first. She did to this man what she had done to us and managed to get pregnant in the process. After a 10 day affair with my h she was trying to get pregnant thinking my h would marry her. She was actually planning her wedding to him. When I found this it out it was profound sadness I felt for the child and all of those involved. I know that your new start will be the very best thing you can do for yourself.
I am doing my best not to over do anything, despite all the pain and grief I feel right now. I don't have addictive tendencies like my H, but I know that my food cravings are triggered, the internet beckons, and my motivation gets sapped when I am in pain. But I am pretty good at staying with the pain and being mindful and aware of my actions. But this time around, the pain and grief are so overwhelming. I am so sick of feeling this heartache. It has been more than 5 years and though I had moments and even weeks of reprieve, I long to feel normal again. Because my H and I have been in limbo for so long, each day, month, week has been walking around with a fresh open wound hoping that it could be healed together. I haven't really healed all this time. I had been holding on to hope that he would "get it" and understand and in some ways, that has kept me holding on to pain. So now that divorce seems inevitable, the whole loss and heartbreak is rearing its head. I now have to tell myself that I will get through this phase, even though my body and soul feel like I will always be suffering, hurt and angry.
Oh MBS, I'm so so sorry for the pain you're feeling right now. Yes, I think it's hard to heal when you're figuratively holding your breath for so long. And I know this isn't the resolution you'd hoped for. But I do hope it gives you the freedom to move forward into a life in which you're not constantly waiting for someone else to "get it", to see your value. I hope you can give that to yourself. I know it feels like you'll never feel anything but this -- it has been so long -- but, as you know, if you continue to work through it, you will be able to release that. Your challenge will be learning new habits after such a long time of emotional pain. But here's to 2019 finally releasing you from that.
This has me thinking of new year's resolutions. I'm mostly opposed to them because they tend to be ways to disappoint yourself if you're not careful. A friend does something neat with them that I think works. Each year she embraces something fun. Something that adds joy. She just commits to exploring that concept for a year. For last year, she committed to exploring the odd, strange, and weird things around her. Each month she planned to do something weird basically. She found some totally weird stuff out there! (Having your "auora" read, funky art displays, desert hotels made out of space pod looking things...) she managed anxiety through it and had a lot of laughs. If she had never set that goal, she would have lived 2017 almost exactly as she lived 2016 except for the things out of her control that happened to her. Now I'm on the hunt for a focus/goal for 2019 that's for me only. Nothing to do with my marriage or self improvement in isolation. Something that brings me new kinds of joy I would have missed. Something that helps me spend time with intention so I can avoid the things in this post to numb out the pain I still feel. Still kicking around ideas, but thought I'd share in case "lose 10 pounds and repair my marriage" is going to be a new years resolution for you. Maybe don't do that this year. Maybe explore what's strange or what's relaxing or what's physically challenging around you or... (insert what you're curious about). She made a collage of 12 photos and she was doing something totally weird in each one of them at the end of the year. Sometimes with a group and sometimes alone. 2017 stands apart because she MADE it stand apart. Something to ponder...
Oh Ann, what a lovely thought. I am going to incorporate that in my intentions for the New Year. My job surprisingly gave us last week off and I made a choice to prioritize spending time with my kids doing fun things--it can be hard for me to do that because I get anxious about schedules and tasks. I managed to have a few fun outings, make cookies, light candles, and play monopoly! Even my sassy 14 year old said she had fun on a day trip. A word to those of us who are thinking about resolutions--especially the weightloss one. I work with people around nutrition goal setting. Remember to make your resolutions things that truly align with your values and priorities. Also, you will be most successful if you set goals that are activities which challenge you slightly but are still attainable. So "losing weight" is not an activity--it is a potential passive outcome of things that you do. "Going to the gym 3 times a week" is an activity. "Eating 1 fruit or vegetable with every meal" is an activity. "Limiting fast food to once a week" is an activity. These things may or may not result in weightloss (your biology will decide if that is what happens) but they are the things you are in control of that can get you there. Same thing can probably be said for repairing your marriage or overcoming infidelity. You can make your active goals things you can do like "talk to your counselor every week" or "go dancing once a month." You can certainly adjust your goals if they aren't getting you towards your resolution. Sadly, whether you or your marriage is fully healed by 2020, or you lose 10 pounds, is not something you have as much control over as you would like.
Post d-day 5 years ago, I decided that i loved being physically active even if I couldn't do a push up. It was what helped me cope with the indescribable pain. I made yoga a commitment 3 times a week--it literally kept me alive and functioning. Then I joined a super uplifting dance class for non-dancers and started going to that regularly. Slowly over the last few years, I found that I could add more activities that I enjoyed and now regularly workout 4-5 times per week. My weight has fluctuated from emaciated (post d-day) to 10 pounds overweight (my new middle aged normal, I think). But regardless of how much I weigh, I love the strength and health I feel. I am so greatful for the reprieve it gives me from the pain of my relationship. And no matter how much I am hurting, how much I weigh, whether my H is being an ass, whether everything else sucks, I am so proud and greatful to I have become the fittest I have ever been in my 45 years.
Happy New Year to all...no matter how successful you are with your goals/resolutions/projects/life. We are all doing amazing things.
MBS, You sound like a different person in this post over the one you wrote just before. It sounds like your intention to have fun is working! And that's really good advice re resolutions from both MBS and ann. I had a friend a few years ago who made it her intention to "look for something lovely" each day. She said it completely shifted her focus. Instead of being miserable on a rainy day, she noticed a bright red tulip in someone's garden. Instead of grumbling as she trudged through snow, she noticed the sun sparkling on the snow. Etcetera. I keep a gratitude journal, which I know is kinda old news, but I swear it works. Makes me pay attention to what's right in my life rather than what's wrong.
Elle, each day I feel like a different person or atleast I am at a different point of the rollercoaster. Sometimes its from moment to moment. Atleast I know that I can feel positive and even joyful at times. That is what keeps me going.
Still Standing. I am so with you. I see and hear you. You have done the same for me and I am grateful. You have come a long way and I know you are on your way to a life of joy and fulfillment. Wishing you the very best and many new and amazing adventures in 2019. Love you sister
Thanks everyone. New day. Deep breath, one foot forward. I spent new years day at a fun parade in my city. Out of the home space and into a fresh day. Had such a nice time. And while i am stationed in this limbo space of maintaining the old family home for my children for a couple more years, its fun to look at houses and see possibilities. To know what is out there in my price range and picture my life and the fun of making a new place for myself. And while certainly, at first, I needed the time in this house to adjust, accept and to feel like everything was not turned on its head, I do know that when the time comes to move, I will be ready to leave this giant, expensive barn behind. I have told both kids that they will always have a room and home with me, no matter where life takes them. I know there will come a time when my ex and his drama and insanity will no longer rattle me. I can only walk toward that time and place. I'm still grieving the loss of so many things, mostly right now, the idea of my past, my children's childhood, the idea that I don't get to look back and just feel a sweet nostalgia. Not even bitter sweet. Just a loss. But I grieve less for my future. I can make a good one for myself. I feel like every time I start to get somewhere, this man swoops in like a helicopter and fucks everything up. Why can't he just leave us alone? Well, my kids have made some enforced "leave us alone" as they don't want to see him too much right now. Better for me too. But it also means I'm going to be responsible for all of my son's meals for a while too. ;) Maybe I'll add in a game night for us. Thanks everyone, again for showing up and being here for me and for each other. While I am not quite ready to "slay" at the new year, I'll keep showing up. xoxo
I have been thinking about this post since it came out, trying to figure out what it means for me. Where am I least comfortable? Staying and trying to work through this hell or running for the hills. Is the least comfortable fighting the fear? The fear of being all alone and unloved for the rest of my life if I leave? Or is it the courage to stay and work through the self doubts and being vulnerable? I have no idea what the next right step is.
LostSomewhere, You don't have to know right now. Keep doing exactly what you're doing. Letting it sit with you. Mulling it over when you can. Maybe what's right for you now is to sit with this. Doing nothing is still a choice. And it's not so much "nothing" as "nothing visible." Healing is happening where you can't see it.
Maybe it is the fast approaching DDay first anniversary, all the thoughts of where I “should” be on this trip from hell. Feeling pressure to move in a direction, any direction, simply because anywhere must be better than being stuck here. Thanks, Elle, will keep thinking about what you said.
Good evening, ladies. I am a bit late to the Christmas party, but I am still deep in hurt and pain, eight months from D-Day with my BF of 13 years. I really hate the EA partner and also her best friend, the straight-up psycho ho he used for sex. A lovely duo. For the new year, I am going to be making anonymous donations to various orgs and charities that are polar opposites of the ho's beliefs; in fact, I know she hates them. One donation a month for a year. I hope her name gets published in their donor lists. The slow-drip effect. That won't begin to touch the pain and confusion and devastation she has helped cause in my life, but hey, it will help some of my favorite causes.
Anonymous, I'm so sorry for the pain you're in. Eight months feels like an eternity but it's really not so long for your body and your heart and your mind to absorb and process such a shock. I'm glad you've found a way to turn that anger and pain into something that's doing good in the world.
yes this. This is me and food right now. I'm totally sabotaging myself.I am hurting so much right now. I'm tired. There are good things, great moments, all lovely. And yet, a tremendous amount of underlying grief and anger. Looking forward to getting to my therapist next week.
ReplyDeleteAt the same time, this time around, I recognize that this deep pain and grief will pass, lighten, ease up and I'll be able to focus on me and the care I deserve. I am starting to loathe the holidays. I'm seriously considering skipping next year, or at least scaling back even more than I did this year.
In the near term, since neither kid wants to spend time with their father, I will have less forced interaction with my ex. Much less hopefully. Hopefully I can interrupt myself when my thoughts spin about him, when I churn on how angry I am, on how much he neglected me, how I wasted so much time on him and think about how proud I am of who I am becoming, how much I deserve people in my life who love and respect me and that I have plenty of time left to do amazing things with my life.
I started looking at houses today. I am excited for that chapter. Something new, a fresh place to make all my own. With my art and cameras, and my old victrola and records and silly fund things..
I'm just so glad I have you all to hear and see me. Coming up on three years dday n Jan 1. I am amazed at how far I've come and realizing that I still have a ways to go, especially with the divorce thrown in.
SS1,
DeleteI'm so sorry this season has been one of such struggle for you. But it sounds as though you're able to recognize that it's a period of time, that it doesn't signal anything long-term. You're wrestling with some old stuff that, I suspect, has been latent for a while. It's been pulled into the light and created a reckoning, which I hope will ultimately free you to move forward without it lurking in the shadows. Sounds like you've got a really exciting chapter coming up. Will be nice to pack lightly, leaving behind much pain and anger, when you move. ;)
Love you ss1, hang on in there xx
ReplyDeleteSS1
ReplyDeleteIt starts getting easier at 3 years or least it did for me. I think a new house sounds great for you and your kids it will help alot. We moved across the country to get away from the OW and start over. I found out recently that she is having a baby, her first. She did to this man what she had done to us and managed to get pregnant in the process. After a 10 day affair with my h she was trying to get pregnant thinking my h would marry her. She was actually planning her wedding to him. When I found this it out it was profound sadness I felt for the child and all of those involved. I know that your new start will be the very best thing you can do for yourself.
Cathy,
DeleteUgh, these people. It's enough to mess up adults' lives but to bring a kid into it. Just...ugh.
I am doing my best not to over do anything, despite all the pain and grief I feel right now. I don't have addictive tendencies like my H, but I know that my food cravings are triggered, the internet beckons, and my motivation gets sapped when I am in pain. But I am pretty good at staying with the pain and being mindful and aware of my actions. But this time around, the pain and grief are so overwhelming. I am so sick of feeling this heartache. It has been more than 5 years and though I had moments and even weeks of reprieve, I long to feel normal again. Because my H and I have been in limbo for so long, each day, month, week has been walking around with a fresh open wound hoping that it could be healed together. I haven't really healed all this time. I had been holding on to hope that he would "get it" and understand and in some ways, that has kept me holding on to pain. So now that divorce seems inevitable, the whole loss and heartbreak is rearing its head. I now have to tell myself that I will get through this phase, even though my body and soul feel like I will always be suffering, hurt and angry.
ReplyDeleteOh MBS, I'm so so sorry for the pain you're feeling right now. Yes, I think it's hard to heal when you're figuratively holding your breath for so long. And I know this isn't the resolution you'd hoped for. But I do hope it gives you the freedom to move forward into a life in which you're not constantly waiting for someone else to "get it", to see your value. I hope you can give that to yourself.
DeleteI know it feels like you'll never feel anything but this -- it has been so long -- but, as you know, if you continue to work through it, you will be able to release that. Your challenge will be learning new habits after such a long time of emotional pain. But here's to 2019 finally releasing you from that.
This has me thinking of new year's resolutions. I'm mostly opposed to them because they tend to be ways to disappoint yourself if you're not careful. A friend does something neat with them that I think works. Each year she embraces something fun. Something that adds joy. She just commits to exploring that concept for a year. For last year, she committed to exploring the odd, strange, and weird things around her. Each month she planned to do something weird basically. She found some totally weird stuff out there! (Having your "auora" read, funky art displays, desert hotels made out of space pod looking things...) she managed anxiety through it and had a lot of laughs. If she had never set that goal, she would have lived 2017 almost exactly as she lived 2016 except for the things out of her control that happened to her. Now I'm on the hunt for a focus/goal for 2019 that's for me only. Nothing to do with my marriage or self improvement in isolation. Something that brings me new kinds of joy I would have missed. Something that helps me spend time with intention so I can avoid the things in this post to numb out the pain I still feel. Still kicking around ideas, but thought I'd share in case "lose 10 pounds and repair my marriage" is going to be a new years resolution for you. Maybe don't do that this year. Maybe explore what's strange or what's relaxing or what's physically challenging around you or... (insert what you're curious about). She made a collage of 12 photos and she was doing something totally weird in each one of them at the end of the year. Sometimes with a group and sometimes alone. 2017 stands apart because she MADE it stand apart. Something to ponder...
ReplyDeleteOh Ann, what a lovely thought. I am going to incorporate that in my intentions for the New Year. My job surprisingly gave us last week off and I made a choice to prioritize spending time with my kids doing fun things--it can be hard for me to do that because I get anxious about schedules and tasks. I managed to have a few fun outings, make cookies, light candles, and play monopoly! Even my sassy 14 year old said she had fun on a day trip.
DeleteA word to those of us who are thinking about resolutions--especially the weightloss one. I work with people around nutrition goal setting. Remember to make your resolutions things that truly align with your values and priorities. Also, you will be most successful if you set goals that are activities which challenge you slightly but are still attainable. So "losing weight" is not an activity--it is a potential passive outcome of things that you do. "Going to the gym 3 times a week" is an activity. "Eating 1 fruit or vegetable with every meal" is an activity. "Limiting fast food to once a week" is an activity. These things may or may not result in weightloss (your biology will decide if that is what happens) but they are the things you are in control of that can get you there. Same thing can probably be said for repairing your marriage or overcoming infidelity. You can make your active goals things you can do like "talk to your counselor every week" or "go dancing once a month." You can certainly adjust your goals if they aren't getting you towards your resolution. Sadly, whether you or your marriage is fully healed by 2020, or you lose 10 pounds, is not something you have as much control over as you would like.
Post d-day 5 years ago, I decided that i loved being physically active even if I couldn't do a push up. It was what helped me cope with the indescribable pain. I made yoga a commitment 3 times a week--it literally kept me alive and functioning. Then I joined a super uplifting dance class for non-dancers and started going to that regularly. Slowly over the last few years, I found that I could add more activities that I enjoyed and now regularly workout 4-5 times per week. My weight has fluctuated from emaciated (post d-day) to 10 pounds overweight (my new middle aged normal, I think). But regardless of how much I weigh, I love the strength and health I feel. I am so greatful for the reprieve it gives me from the pain of my relationship. And no matter how much I am hurting, how much I weigh, whether my H is being an ass, whether everything else sucks, I am so proud and greatful to I have become the fittest I have ever been in my 45 years.
Happy New Year to all...no matter how successful you are with your goals/resolutions/projects/life. We are all doing amazing things.
Great advice mbs .. hugs xx
DeleteThank you Ann, I will ‘ponder over these’ xx
DeleteMBS, You sound like a different person in this post over the one you wrote just before. It sounds like your intention to have fun is working!
DeleteAnd that's really good advice re resolutions from both MBS and ann. I had a friend a few years ago who made it her intention to "look for something lovely" each day. She said it completely shifted her focus. Instead of being miserable on a rainy day, she noticed a bright red tulip in someone's garden. Instead of grumbling as she trudged through snow, she noticed the sun sparkling on the snow. Etcetera. I keep a gratitude journal, which I know is kinda old news, but I swear it works. Makes me pay attention to what's right in my life rather than what's wrong.
Elle, each day I feel like a different person or atleast I am at a different point of the rollercoaster. Sometimes its from moment to moment. Atleast I know that I can feel positive and even joyful at times. That is what keeps me going.
DeleteStill Standing. I am so with you. I see and hear you. You have done the same for me and I am grateful. You have come a long way and I know you are on your way to a life of joy and fulfillment. Wishing you the very best and many new and amazing adventures in 2019. Love you sister
ReplyDeleteYou are all so awesome!!
Deletexoxo Olive Mee Thank you
DeleteThanks everyone. New day. Deep breath, one foot forward. I spent new years day at a fun parade in my city. Out of the home space and into a fresh day. Had such a nice time. And while i am stationed in this limbo space of maintaining the old family home for my children for a couple more years, its fun to look at houses and see possibilities. To know what is out there in my price range and picture my life and the fun of making a new place for myself. And while certainly, at first, I needed the time in this house to adjust, accept and to feel like everything was not turned on its head, I do know that when the time comes to move, I will be ready to leave this giant, expensive barn behind. I have told both kids that they will always have a room and home with me, no matter where life takes them. I know there will come a time when my ex and his drama and insanity will no longer rattle me. I can only walk toward that time and place. I'm still grieving the loss of so many things, mostly right now, the idea of my past, my children's childhood, the idea that I don't get to look back and just feel a sweet nostalgia. Not even bitter sweet. Just a loss. But I grieve less for my future. I can make a good one for myself. I feel like every time I start to get somewhere, this man swoops in like a helicopter and fucks everything up. Why can't he just leave us alone? Well, my kids have made some enforced "leave us alone" as they don't want to see him too much right now. Better for me too. But it also means I'm going to be responsible for all of my son's meals for a while too. ;) Maybe I'll add in a game night for us.
ReplyDeleteThanks everyone, again for showing up and being here for me and for each other. While I am not quite ready to "slay" at the new year, I'll keep showing up. xoxo
It's all we can ever really do. Show up. Sometimes ready to slay. Sometimes still in our pyjamas. ;)
DeleteI have been thinking about this post since it came out, trying to figure out what it means for me. Where am I least comfortable? Staying and trying to work through this hell or running for the hills. Is the least comfortable fighting the fear? The fear of being all alone and unloved for the rest of my life if I leave? Or is it the courage to stay and work through the self doubts and being vulnerable? I have no idea what the next right step is.
ReplyDeleteLostSomewhere,
DeleteYou don't have to know right now. Keep doing exactly what you're doing. Letting it sit with you. Mulling it over when you can. Maybe what's right for you now is to sit with this. Doing nothing is still a choice. And it's not so much "nothing" as "nothing visible." Healing is happening where you can't see it.
Maybe it is the fast approaching DDay first anniversary, all the thoughts of where I “should” be on this trip from hell. Feeling pressure to move in a direction, any direction, simply because anywhere must be better than being stuck here. Thanks, Elle, will keep thinking about what you said.
ReplyDeleteGood evening, ladies. I am a bit late to the Christmas party, but I am still deep in hurt and pain, eight months from D-Day with my BF of 13 years. I really hate the EA partner and also her best friend, the straight-up psycho ho he used for sex. A lovely duo. For the new year, I am going to be making anonymous donations to various orgs and charities that are polar opposites of the ho's beliefs; in fact, I know she hates them. One donation a month for a year. I hope her name gets published in their donor lists. The slow-drip effect. That won't begin to touch the pain and confusion and devastation she has helped cause in my life, but hey, it will help some of my favorite causes.
ReplyDeleteAnonymous, I'm so sorry for the pain you're in. Eight months feels like an eternity but it's really not so long for your body and your heart and your mind to absorb and process such a shock. I'm glad you've found a way to turn that anger and pain into something that's doing good in the world.
Delete